"-You got it, you got it, some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic, you're leaving me breathless. I hate this, I hate this, you're not the one I believe in. Oh, God is my witness. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something, that I should've never thought of you. Of you... you're pushing and pulling me down to you..."
-Paramore: I Caught Myself
...Don't let me think of you. Get out of my head.
You are nothing but trouble. Nothing but filthy poison seeping into my bloodstream, finding a way to kill me off when I least expect it.
You are not what I want. You are not what I need.
What I need is to be alone, to be able to stand on my own two feet without needing to rely on others to support me. I didn't know what I was thinking; letting you dance around me like that, sprinkling glitter and sugarcoating everything with words that are pleasing to the ear, but falsify the realness of reality with fairytale-like concepts.
Love? Love is not even an emotion. It is a useless and disastrous condition that leaves a person needy and blind to logic. It is more of a state of infatuation caused by hormones more than anything else. Do you expect me to accompany you by indulging in this stupidity together with you, Michelle Chua?
It doesn't matter. I don't think someone like you would understand. Even if I were to explain it over and over to you a million times, produce evidence of how love drains people and makes them pathetic and useless with its absence after being infected, you would still fail to comprehend my words.
And it's a pity. Because if you happened to realize this, then you would actually be less of a fool. I know and believe that you have sense somewhere in you, but you just refuse to use it. You'd rather test your boundaries and challenge everything that comes your way, just for the fun of it. I don't know what joy you find in walking against the current. I refuse to argue with you anymore, however, because it's pointless arguing with a person who enjoys the arguing in general in the first place and not what you can actually gain from an argument in the end.
I can no longer see you as anything else but an enemy. You defy my theory, and challenge my knowledge; therefore you can only be considered to be my rival. And I will not lose something I am so sure of, especially not to a person like you. An idiot to the very core; that's what you are and most likely what you are doomed to always be.
Only idiots fall for other idiots, and I am certainly not an idiot. Even if I scoff at the idea of romance, at the very least I can say that sensible people should not be paired up with idiots, but with other sensible people instead. That way, the offspring and genetic DNA of the idiots would decrease and there would be more people with brains around in this world.
An idiot and a sensible person should not be coupled up together for many reasons. Mainly because the idiot does stupid things that causes chaos and wrecks havoc and enjoys it, while the sensible person who has a brain and knows the right way to behave, has to be pulled into the mess the idiot created against their will since they are a couple and he or she has to suffer.
What bothers me the most is the fact that I enjoyed the company of an idiot. I'll give you that much. You are very interesting to be around, but anybody would be amused with idiocy. It's just one of those things that come naturally for some reason.
Sadly, this is the end of our short-lived 'friendship', as you call it...
...so get out.
Get out of my head! Stop causing me to think so much about you! Even when you are not here, you are still around me. It is as if you made a nest in my brain with your memories, your laughter, your voice, your images, and your touch even...
It is so tiring to be stuck in this state.
Why am I being affected like this? It used to be so easy brushing off unsubstantial issues such as this. You're not any different from the girls back in the orphanage. Just another girl. You're just another 'Linda', aren't you...?
I try my hardest to believe that, but then my mind protests and it is like I'm fighting a battle with myself.
You see, I have an unwilling confession to make. A secret that haunts me to the very end. The thing is, I know that you're not just another 'Linda'. You are nothing like her. You are nothing like any of the other girls back at Wammy, either. None of them are like you. You, who believes in wishes, dreams and prayers, in living in disregard and reckless abandonment, in things that cannot be explained...
...I have never met anyone else like you...
Instead of a close-lipped smile and a girlish giggle, you laugh obnoxiously with your mouth wide open and lips stretched tight to show off your teeth, not caring how you looked or how people looked at you.
Instead of politely inquiring if I would like to go out and play and then leave when I decline, you refuse to take 'no' as an answer and proceed to forcefully drag me by the arm to the outside so we could spend more time together.
Instead of getting hurt or offended at the constant insults I throw at you, you pout a little and then laugh it off, never taking it to heart, before you insult me back, in the name of playful teasing.
Instead of ignoring and giving up on me like everybody else, you decided that since you can't coax me out of my shell, you shall come inside to join me instead, so no one else from the outside could disturb us. At some moments, it really did feel like it was just you and me...and no one else.
...No. I cannot think for even an instance that you are like the others. You are undeniably different. Be it in a good or bad way. As a person in general, I will give you credit for that.
Lastly, instead of choosing to fall for a guy that would have suited you better, you chose to fall for me. Why is that so? I fail to see what you are planning to do, once again.
I would have assumed that a better suitor would have been someone like Mello, maybe. There are plenty of resemblances between you two.
For starters, you two let your emotions take control of your actions, so he would probably understand your feelings more than I ever will. And then there's the fact that you both enjoy living life like it's a wild party, so he should be better company than me. In terms of physique as well, Mello has definitely the kind of body majority of females would go for and his face isn't that bad looking-
What am I saying, he'd probably get her killed twice as quick as she would be able to accomplish herself- my own thought snapped at me and I narrow my eyes. Where on earth did that come from?For some reason... that part of me didn't appreciate me imagining you and Mello together.
It was coughing up excuses now- She'd annoy the sanity out of him, wouldn't she? And he would be too bossy for her to enjoy being around... she wouldn't chase him around like the way she chased me around, so I don't have to worry about something like th- ..No.
I have to force myself to stop before I go any further. It does not matter. Not even a little. I am not going to entertain these preposterous thoughts any longer. It means nothing to me. You mean nothing to me...
I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut as tightly as I could. My legs were pulled up against my chest and my arms were wrapped around them to hug them close to my body. I was curled up into a ball. I repeated those words again and again to myself like a religious chant, trying to fold my emotions and feelings away like a piece of paper, reducing them to their smallest form so I could store them away in the deepest, most deserted part of my heart, hopefully to be forgotten forevermore.
...But it was hopeless...
At the back of my eyelids, all I saw were lively brown eyes, glimmering and shining, full of chaos and life, and thick locks of messy dark hair which were dark, pitch black, the very opposite of my own. All I heard was merry laughter and a voice calling for me over and over again; 'Angel, Angel...', and somehow that soothes me. For whatever sick and unintelligible reason, it does, and just like how I would put together a puzzle, I put all the pieces together in my mind and I saw... you.
A strange, yet somehow fitting vision flashes before me. It was strange, only because I don't usually have extraordinary bursts of visions, but this one seemed to be abnormally vivid and I couldn't help but pay attention to it.
You were in my head, infiltrating my thoughts and standing outside of that window in the cafe that we met in for the first time, staring back at me, the glass dividing us both.
I looked at you and I felt something that I could not recognize. I deduced that it might have been, or was at the very least very closely related to fear.
You were so close that you could have easily stretched out a hand and touched me or did whatever you wanted to me, if not for the sheet of glass. I didn't know what I would have done if you did. With the frightful emotion I was experiencing currently, maybe I would have just fallen into bits and pieces of myself, lying in a pile of pathetic shambles, doomed to never return to being the same again.
As I stood there and kept my eyes on you, I found that my legs grew to be suddenly as heavy as lead and I was stuck rooted to the spot. I almost didn't notice that the cafe was starting to fade away into nothingness, leaving the window to morph into a glass wall. The wall stretched on for miles and miles, from left to right, and was so impossibly high that I had no doubt that there was no way to get through or over it. We were blocked off from each other, denied of direct contact. Still, you showed me your usual warm, inviting smile.
"Near?"; a single word fell from your lips, and my skin suddenly started shrinking against my bones again. All of the resentment and blame I put so much effort into building up for you disappeared without a trace. I cannot hide. The glass was transparent.
That doesn't mean that it didn't exist. You could see me, and I could see you, but I am here and you are there. The message could not be any clearer. As long as this invisible wall continued to exist between us, we could never be in the same world.
Your smile turned into a frown as I thought that, and in my head, you appeared to have understood. You looked sad as you gently pressed your fingertips against the glass that was coming between us, which was the closest you could do to try and reach to me. Did this grim reality sadden you that much?
I nearly started feeling sorry about it, myself.
"I have feelings for you, you know that, right?" you whispered again, and I nodded understandingly, surprisingly in an easily accepting manner. I never mentioned feeling mutual, but I acknowledged it like a fact. "Near..."
There it was again. My alias flowed inside your voice like a part of the lyrics to an alluring song. A siren's song. The only one that had ever worked on me. Would it be foolish to believe that this song was specially composed for me, and only me?
Before I knew it, my own hand rose and my own fingertips were pressing against the glass as well, right over yours longingly. Your frown transformed back into a smile upon seeing that. For a moment, I let it be. I let my fingers linger there on the glass's surface for a while before drawing them back again slowly.
I turned my back and walked away from the wall. I opened up my eyes and the visual scenario distorted and I was pulled back into the real world immediately.
I wished you could understand like I did, Michelle.
If only you knew that the glass wall is my protection from the outside world. On my side of the wall, everything is white, bright, and I can see everything clearly in the light. Everything is always rational. I am never lost. Control is always within my reach when I need it. On your side of the wall, everything is black and dark and frightening. Things are dwelling in the shadows, waiting to hurt me. Terrible, terrible creatures that I have no knowledge of. Creatures that I have no power over or control of. They want nothing more than to inflict pain on me. Since you are on that side of the wall, how can I be so sure that you are not one of those creatures, yourself...?
...I know I am contradicting myself yet again in some ways. Because, to be honest, I have never feel this much hatred and spite towards the glass prison I am residing in before. Could it be possible that, in reality, it is really I who did not understand? But how could I be wrong? I am never wrong. I hate how you make me feel like I'm making more mistakes than I have ever made in my entire life span.
I slowly uncurled myself from my position and start to get off from the floor, but I return back to closing my eyes, hoping to see you one more time.
A part of me considers that, maybe, just maybe, all I needed was someone crazy such as yourself- who deals with illogical matters all the time- to help me in understanding this thing that did not make any sense.
I stared at the blinding back of my eyelids and allowed myself to play pretend with an imaginary figment of you. A soft breath of both blissful peace and mournful frustration escapes the parted gap between my lips.
...Hormones are so troublesome.