You are standing before a blazing inferno of an inn, children around you screaming and Jack the Stripper prancing around gleefully stealing from the blazing building, including and I quote "the kitchen sink."
Ellen leaps into the burning inn, and fails a trap check. Ellen takes 5 damage as she crashes through the door. Igvar follows soon after, but gets a critical failure! 10 damage to Igvar. Realizing that they could have just told Ian - I mean Jack the Stripper - to get out of there, they both file back out again, followed by Jack. By now, the party is surrounded by several angry villagers, while explosions go on behind them due to burning alcohol.
Ian attempts to flee and fails, taking 3 damage from the crowd and being knocked out...again.
Can we just kill them all?
Yeah, sure, fine, whatever. Go ahead.
Igvar launches toward the crowd, throwing bottles of mead. As a bottle of mead is not an official weapon, the crowd catches them, drinks them, and goes into a drunken rage. God I'm a good DM.
Ellen fires a barrage of arrows at the helpless villagers, and does 8 damage. Several innocent villagers now lie dead at the hands of a Lawful Good elf, but the villagers are still coming as they have no realized that this party is bull.
Jack the Stripper annoys the DM so much that he comes back to life with full HP. Using his now-unwasted scroll of Fireball so that we can get on with the bloody plot, he damages the remaining villagers for 13 and slays them all. Congratulations, you guys just killed an entire village except for the barracks. This is going splendidly.
Jack the Stripper does a loot check on the corpses. For some reason, one of the villagers was carrying an Amulet of Truesight, granting Jack the Stripper darkvision for 60 yards. Igvar picks up a body. Igvar has equipped peasant child as a two handed weapon. Ellen does a loot check and finds 50 gold. DM urges the party to hurry the hell up. The party begins traveling to Dusty Skull Catacombs.
On the way, you encounter something.
A roadblock stands in your way, and before you can turn away you find yourself surrounded by several crossbow-wielding bandits. One, older and far more scarred than the rest, takes a hat off a balding head and bows. "Your money, your life, or the elf. Take yer pick." says the bandit chief.
Igvar: Thou canst taketh thee elfth.
Ellen: I object! Namely because we can't sell party members for ransom!
Jack the Stripper: YAAAAARGARBL!
Jack the Stripper launches a pre-emptive strike, gaining a first strike bonus on the Bandit chief. Critical hit! Jack the Stripper does 4 damage.
FOUR!? But I got a critical!
You're using bare fists and put all of your stats into charisma, luck, and intelligence, and you didn't choose any spells. Just let BJ and Dave fight it until we can fix your spellbook.
Fine, whatever.
Ellen casts Summon Nature's Ally 1, and an octopus joins the fight.
Bandit attacks the octopus, but his roll fails agains the octopus' parry. Octopus counterattacks for 6 damage!
Igvar bashes octopus with small child, sending it flying at the Bandit chief to deal 7 damage to the Octopus and sending the Bandit Chief into a frenzy after taking 2 damage!
Bandit (2) fires a quarrel at Jack the Stripper. Jack the Stripper dodges matrix-style.
Bandit Chief attacks Octopus, dealing 14 damage and killing it.
Ellen: Noooooooo! My little octopus!
Bandit chief laughs maniacally at the loss of the octopus.
Jack the Stripper vicious kicks at the groin of Bandit, dealing 4 damage and killing him.
Awesome.
Ellen casts Longstrider for increased movement speed and moves out of the melee, avoiding an Attack of Opportunity from Bandit (2)
Igvar attacks Bandit Chief with his small child club, dealing 9 damage. Bandit Chief is now Injured.
Bandit (2) draws his blade and gains an Attack of opportunity against Igvar's back, causing 5 damage.
Igvar is now seriously injured as his wounds from before had not been healed.
Bandit Chief attacks Igvar for 7 damage, knocking him out.
I call bull, how can my dwarf be beaten if he can swing around a small child?
Just...okay? Ellen fires a bow at Bandit chief and scores a hit! 8 damage is dealt and now the Bandit Chief is near death.
Jack the Stripper punches the Bandit chief, dealing 2 damage and killing him!
Hells yeah.
Bandit (2) attempts to flee. Jack the Stripper gains an attack of opportunity and hits the Bandit (2) for 2 damage.
Ellen fires an arrow at the bandit, killing him before he can get away. The party is victorious!
Alright, let's see here. The party finds -
Am I still unconcious?
No, Igvar is back up now.
The party finds the weapons and armor of the bandits on their body, along with 150 gold spread evenly among the members of the party. ON the corpses are: Two iron swords, three crossbows, one hammer, two leather breastplates, and some leather greaves.
Igvar looks at the hammer and throws it away, preferring his small village child to any other weapon. Igvar equips a leather breastplate and leather greaves. Ellen stores a sword in her pack and takes a crossbow. Jack the Stripper takes a sword, two crossbows, and leather armor, equipping them all. Alright, finally we're getting somewhere.
Jack the Stripper cuts the ears off of the bandits and consumes them.
Jack the Stripper contracts HIV.