A/N: If you have a character or idea you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Special thanks to Babie-Dollie for brainstorming with me!
glittergirl73: I can't tell you much about it; but I guarantee it will make you laugh. Thanks for the money!
Ren Rika: She has been added to the list, I honestly am shocked that no one's requested Gohan yet….oh well…. Did you and glittergirl73 plan that together? Or was it a coincidence that I'm not allowed to know where BOTH of your money came from….
Ferrice: I've been waiting for someone to request him!
Arien Desol: Technically, I'd be a brave girl. But I must say that is one of the most helpful reviews I have ever received, I'll be sure to write those in. Too bad this takes place before Buu; maybe Jackie could get a time machine….
Disclaimer: 584,600 Zeni! I might be able to make it before I see Akira at the 25th Review Special! Of course, I'd have to tell him that I do not own DBZ….
THE REAL DBZ: MR. SATAN
"OH YEAH, I'M THE CHAMP!" the victim cried from behind the door. "NO ONE CAN STOP ME!"
Jackie sighed. The good news was that the next victim had agreed all too easily to come on the show. The bad news was that he kept chanting that over and over again, like someone actually cared about him making a fool of himself. Someone besides the six million reporters and seven million fans who would dream about meeting The Hercule Satan.
Jackie, on the other hand, dreamed about world domination. The soldiers, bodyguards, posters, palaces, total obedience, as many weapons as you can imagine….what wasn't there to love?
"I DEFEATED CELL!" the victim yelled, jerking Jackie from her pleasant train of thought.
Jackie shook her head and nodded at the crew to get ready. She hadn't even begun the interview and she was getting a headache. It was worth it when she enjoyed meeting the victim, despite popular opinion that she hated them all. She was just doing her job, she had to pay her bills somehow. Hair dye wasn't cheap.
"Welcome back to The Real DBZ!" Jackie said cheerfully, "I am still Jackie Tanner and if you think I'm not the host, please email me the name of the asylum you're locked up in! Today we have one of the biggest idiots to ever appear on television, Hercule Satan!"
Did he not hear that stab at his ego? Did he block out all voices that weren't screaming his name? Did his afro interfere with his hearing? Or were the Z fighters right about everything they told him going in one ear and out the other? It was up to Jackie Tanner to find out. She'd die trying if she had to. She'd rather not die, but she was willing to do it. She was that dedicated.
The Champion opened the door and strutted out. Without looking, he sat down in the Victim chair. Or tried to since the chair was a good two or three feet to the left, causing him to fall. Nursing his sore behind, Hercule made sure this time that the chair was actually there. He didn't want his loving and adoring fans to think that he was a clumsy fool, his ex wife thinking that was bad enough. Hercule didn't want to disappoint his fans too.
"Here's my autograph," Hercule said, handing a glossy photo over to the stunned teen. "I don't usually do this, but that photo is free of charge!"
Jackie blinked.
Was he trying to bribe her into making him look good? Or was he just plain stupid? That must have been it. Why would he think she wanted a Hercule Satan autograph? She did know that he didn't defeat Cell, even if the Z fighters made her sign a non-disclosure contract.
"Umm….thank you," She said. "Why don't we get started?"
"OH YEAH! IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE ROOF SHAKE!" Hercule roared. "YOU'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED SOMEONE LIKE ME! I'M LIGHTNING FAST, MY MOUTH IS A BLUR!"
Jackie growled from frustration. How conceited and idiotic could someone be? It shouldn't be possible for him to behave like this! Jackie took out her mental scouter and gasped from shock: his annoyingness levels were over 9,000! It was impossible!
"Right," Jackie said. "Don't you think you should let Videl know that you are an undercover agent for the Ginyu Force? Shouldn't she know about how they trained you and taught you how to pose?"
Hercule snorted, "AS IF SOMEONE COULD POSE BETTER THAN THE CHAMP!"
Jackie held her ears in pain. This guy did not know when to yell and when to…not yell. In his case, yelling should be illegal. It would make the world a better place not only for her, but for the Saiyans and Namekians as well. How they put up with that kind of strain on their ears, Jackie had no idea.
"I don't care about how good your poses are," Jackie said abruptly. "But doesn't Videl deserve to know the truth?"
"Know the truth about what?" Hercule asked. "All I heard you say was: You… trained… how… to… pose,"
"Dende, give me strength," Jackie muttered under her breath. "I'm going to say this slowly, nod if you understand."
"OH YEAH! LET'S DO THIS!" Hercule said as he nodded his head so much his hair was still shaking after he had stopped.
"YOU WORKED FOR GINYU!" she yelled, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL VIDEL?"
Hercule began to protest, "MY STOMACH HURTS! IT MAKES MY CLOTHES CLASH AND MAKES ME LOOK FAT! THAT FREAKY GREEN PUPPET IN THE TRASH CAN CALLED ME A MUFFIN TOP, EVEN THOUGH MY SHIRT IS CLEARLY A BAGEL TOP! VIDEL IS AN OLD WORD FOR FOOD! GINYU SOUNDS LIKE PING PONG!" he yelled to high heavens, or in this case, King Yemma's desk.
Jackie blinked. She blinked again. Then she…..blinked. She kept this up for a good few minutes, with the audiences at home clearly sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for her next move.
"That was a lovely speech, Mr. Satan," she said sarcastically. "But not nearly as nice as your wig! Remind me what kind of poodle fur its made from?"
Jackie could literally see the gears turning inside of the world champions head. Sure, they were rusty and slow after years of neglect and being mistreated. But after a good interview, she was sure that they would run at least point one percent faster….or slower…..It depended on how he deals with his reputation being ruined by a teenage girl.
The champion was mentally looking for ways to take her question as a compliment. He could say 'Would you like fries with that?'…..but he had an odd feeling that this girl was British. Hercule didn't even know what British meant, but he was sure it had to do something with toenail clippings. Or he could say 'Bob the Builder can he fix it? Yes he can!'….too bad he forgot what a Bob was…..
"I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" He said, determined that he wasn't weird.
Jackie put her head in her hands. All she wanted was a simple answer or an elaborate denial. She never asked for him to quote Scooby Doo! Whatever the champion of the world was on, Jackie was certain that it was illegal. He was such a hypocrite: he had even gone to her school and told them to say 'No' to drugs and alcohol. She had to do something fast, something no one would expect.
That's when she knew exactly what to do. If anything could get through to him, then this would have to work. There was no chance it could fail; not even Murphy's Law would dare to challenge it. Jackie pressed the fourth button on her remote, causing a TV screen to lower from the ceiling. Smiling, she watched as the screen activated and began to play a video saved for this kind of emergency.
Hercule Satan appeared on the screen, wearing the Japanese flag as a toga. He had red glasses that looked like they were from the 60's and had a lime green headband to keep his afro up. Hercule pulled out a pink Barbie guitar from behind his back and began to play the popular song Call me when you're sober. His voice was surprisingly high-pitched, to the point of hurting the ears of people around him.
He then began to play a massive guitar solo which was too much for the little pink Barbie toy. It promptly exploded, causing Mr. Satan to pause. His eyes darted back in forth as he searched for whoever made his guitar explode, it hadn't occurred to him that he had caused it. Looking behind him, he saw a small child staring at him. It could only be one person: the Delivery boy.
"DON'T HURT ME, MISTER DELIVERY BOY!" Hercule wailed.
The child stepped into the light and scowled, "Dad, have you been drinking again?" the child asked.
"How'd you get that tape?" Hercule questioned, "I thought I destroyed it when I bought some night lights…to keep him away."
"To keep who away, Mr. Satan?" Jackie asked with a fake mask of politeness that she was well known for.
Mr. Satan began to sob as he glared up at Jackie, "THE DELIVERY BOY!" he wailed. "AND HE'S GOT IT IN FOR ME! THE LARGE YELLOW BIRD TOLD ME! AND THE WEIRD RED THING SAID HE'S PLANNING MY FUNERAL!"
Realizing that Hercule talked to Sesame Street characters, Jackie thought of the first character that came to mind. It was her favorite. She had hated it when they made him love vegetables instead of cookies for a while. Come on, what's with shows and vegetables? No one likes them! Not even Vegeta enjoyed them and he was named after one!
"What did the blue puppet who eats cookies tell you?" She asked curiously, understanding that Hercule didn't know their names.
"He said…..," Hercule paused. "It was okay that I wet the bed….."