A/N: If you have an idea or character you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Remember, the winner of the self insert contest will be revealed at the 50th review special.
Arien Desol: That video scared me too…..and I'm the one that wrote it…Black Pigtails is up next, hope you don't mind that I'm giving you them in code…..sort of…..
Ren Rika: *giggles* the only difference is one sounds cooler…..oh look…cooler is a word! I have no idea why I forgot that…maybe it's because it was 5:59 AM, Can't wait to see your story!
Pika-Chan: Awesome!
Son Gochi-chan: It would be very possible. The only catch is that I take a total guess on your personality and such…..usually I'm pretty close to spot on…..
glittergirl73: For some reason, this made me think of Fruit loops…Do you think I need mental help? Hope Emely likes the chapter! I love your story!
Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, if you wish to debate that, you can do so at The 50th Review Special.
THE REAL DBZ: ANDROID 17
"You're positive that he is going to be here?" A girl said. "Right?"
Jackie sighed from her spot on the desk. Both girls were wearing black shoes, boring gray socks, black blazer, and gray shirt with a white collar. Overall, no one would have ever thought Jackie and her long pink haired friend would ever be caught dead wearing that. Maybe they were dead and the studio was located in some part of otherworld. Though, it probably wouldn't be King Kai's planet…..or anything 'up' for that matter…..
"For the seventeenth time! Yes, Emely! He will be here!" Jackie said, laying her blonde and electric blue locks in her hands.
The pink haired girl was none other than Emely Roze Tevens, Jackie's cousin. Since Emely had to stay after school for Drama Club, the girls had no time to change out of their school uniforms. While Emely was only slightly miffed by it, she was more focused on meeting the objects of her obsessions. Her fantasies, her wildest dreams, the one person that would let her finally finish that goal setting project due last year.
Jackie, on the other hand, was a completely different story. She hated C.M.S. so much that she called it Clueless Middle School. Some more common nicknames were Children's Medical Services, ChiChi's Madness School, Cooler's Morose Sanctuary, and Chibi's Military School.. So when she found out that she couldn't change out of uniform before the show, well, she was more than just a little annoyed. She was more furious, and she planned to take it all out on today's victim.
The poor, poor soul: he didn't know what was coming.
"Miss Tanner, we're live in five," Carl the Cameraman said.
Jackie nodded before turning to Emely, "The show needs to be announced before you can meet him." She said, trying to tell Emely that she needed to be quiet.
Unfortunately, Emely received a completely different message. "All right!"
"Welcome back to The Real DBZ," Emely said, shoving Jackie to the side. "I'm Emely Roze Tevens and that's your host, my cousin, Jackie Tanner. Today we have the most gorgeous guy under the stars, the only guy who burns hotter than the sun. He was the one that brought the idea of being hot and cold at the same time to reality. The one who should never be allowed to wear sloppy clothes in public, Kami's greatest gift he ever gave to women, the misunderstood creation of Doctor Gero and I'm not talking about Android 16... Give it up for my future boyfriend and mate…..ANDROID 17!"
Jackie rolled her eyes at her cousin's behavior. She just didn't get her obsession with Android 17. What was so alluring about, as Vegeta would have said, an idolized tin can? Jackie could just picture it now: some preppy girl, strolling hand in hand with a Soda Can wearing clothes...The more disturbing though wasn't why someone would do that, rather, it was why Jackie wouldn't be shocked if some girls at school did that. Ah yes, Jackie's school was a very strange place….But that is, sadly, a story for another time and another place…..
The Despicable Me theme played from the speakers, surprisingly fitting for today's guest. Jackie could see the goose bumps running up Emely's arm.
One second, there was a perfectly fine victim's door. Nothing was possibly wrong with it, just as it was unscratched. It was unscratched because it was well cared for, meaning that it was spotless. Hence it was perfectly fine victim's door. Nothing was possibly wrong with it….
The next second was a completely different story. Out of that once spotless door, a sneakered foot had been kicked through. Now, Emely was about ready to faint on the spot, having stared at pictures of that very foot for hours on end. She had memorized each smudge, the very twist in the laces, and the way it began to fray on the left side. Some would call her a stalker because of her obsession with Android 17. She agreed with them wholeheartedly, but see, Emely thought that being a stalker was a good thing.
But really, is there such thing as good and bad? According to Twilight, the book all about how important it is to have a boyfriend, it is perfectly alright to be a stalker. Especially if you are an immortal teenager born about a century ago, who likes to watch a depressed push over while she sleeps. So really, what Emely was doing was considered to be a celebrated behavior. But as in a lot of cases, society chooses to turn a blind eye to some of its customs. Thus, the numerous tin cans thrown at Emely as she walked through the hallway at school. At least it was better than some of the things Goku lovers had thrown at Jackie….
The sneakered foot kept on pushing, forcing tons of strain on the poor Victims door, until it finally snapped. Yet, you can't really blame the door for being too weak. This door was used by tons of the strongest warriors….and others…..in the universe. It was amazing the door remained standing at all. That door was leaning up against the wall, on its own power mind you, while the newest victim stood proudly.
His black locks spraying out behind him as he rose up a little in the air, doing a rather impressive imitation of Washington crossing the Delaware river. His ice cold blue eyes even gave it that freezing element to it, while Emely's minor panic attack reminded Jackie Tanner of the drunk hessians the patriots had fought. All in all, it was the oddest time for a lesson in American history, but it still burned the image into their minds. When someone asked Jackie or Emely who crossed the Delaware River, they would not say Washington. They would answer, without a doubt, Android 17.
"You know, when I told baldy all about the game, I didn't mean you staring at me, pinkie," Android 17 said, sitting down in the victim chair.
Cleverly, Android 17 used one of his fingers like a cigarette with a minor energy blast. Oh boy, did Jackie wish that she had enough money to have the 'No Smoking' signs put up in the studio. But it was either those, or, the 'GT free zone' signs. Obviously, one was more important.
The GT free zone, of course!
"I HAVE A NICKNAME!" Emely screamed, shaking Jackie back and forth.
Now, Jackie looked at Android 17. Or at least tried to, and then looking towards Emely. She only had enough rope to tie one of them up. While Android 17 had the power to destroy her and the entire universe, along with his Mirai counterpart who was still being held up by Mirai King Yemma, she wasn't sure he was the best person to tie up. 17 hadn't actually hurt her, while Emely's constant shaking was starting to make the young blonde haired torturer dizzy.
A couple of knots and some narrowly avoided kicks later, Emely sat tied up with her mouth gagged. Ah yes, this was so much better! If Jackie could survive Vegeta not being tied up, then she should be able to survive Android 17, who was weaker than him.
"Do I need to explain this to you? Or can we start before the audience loses interest?" Jackie Tanner asked in a babyish voice, ready to get back into her torturing after a month of forced vacation.
She had just barely been able to escape and get today's interview going. Who would have thought that someone would have wanted her to not go on? She was losing viewers for crying out loud! And if there was one thing Jackie Tanner cared about, it was the viewers. They could be criminals for all she cared. They only needed to watch. But if they didn't, oh, that would not make a very happy Jackie. And the last time she wasn't happy, well…..No one speaks of that anymore.
"I wouldn't be playing the game if I didn't know the rules, Mini 18," Android 17 said, kicking his feet up as if a little table was there.
"It's Jackie," she insisted, a little bit vexed at her latest victim.
"Mini 18," Android 17 countered, not bothering to look her in the eye.
"Jackie!" She yelled.
"Mini 18!"
"JACKIE!"
"MINI 18!"
"JACKIE!"
"MINI 18!"
"MINI 18!"
"Good, then it's settled," Android 17 said cunningly. "Now can we get on with this little game?"
Emely was giving Jackie the evil eye. While she had been tied up, helpless to come to Android 17's aid, her cousin had been the one having all the fun! That should have been me, Emely reasoned. Jackie didn't even have a crush on Android 17! While she, Emely Roze Tevens, did! But there was nothing she could do….Jackie had used duck tape, the invincible tape made of ducks…..Not the phony rubber ducks, mind you. These were genuine ducks! The kind that would quack if you sat on them...Well, rubber ducks did that as well, but it was besides the point.
"Fine," Jackie snapped. "As long as you keep your disgusting fantasies out of this room. They're almost as bad as…..GT!"
Everyone in the studio audience, the crew, and all of the people on stage minus Jackie gasped at this. Being called as bad as GT was one of the highest insults imaginable! In fact, that was why they invented the show in the first place, so people would gasp! It was all part of their evil plan. See, when people gasped here, they inhale a rare bug that is known to cause a heart disease, which can only be cured by a boy from the future. Now, contrary to popular belief, there are not a lot of boys in the future. Look at what happened to Gohan! He got his arm cut off and died, along with all of the other original Z Fighters! While on the other hand, the females of the group had survived. So, they'd have to go to the E.S.I. (Evil Schemers Inc.) and buy their medicine. Before you know it, you're receiving tons of magazines on Videl Satan even though you could just Google her or watch her on TV!
"What fantasies?" Android 17 hissed. "I am a machine. I don't have fantasies!"
"Oh really?" Jackie Tanner asked, her face alight with evil glee. "Then why did you stalk Krillen after you somehow survived the cell games?"
Oh. Busted.
Android 17's normally pale face began to turn a bright red. Jackie hadn't even known it was possible for him to have blood rushing to his cheeks. Yet, he was able to bleed when he was punched in the mouth like every other fighter; must have something to do with him actually being a cyborg.
Or was he…
"That was a onetime thing!" Android 17 admitted, "Besides, I've never actually done anything like that….."
"What?" Jackie exploded, "You're a-"
"Yes," 17 said ashamedly, "I am. But you see, I was abducted by Gero!"
Emely wiped the sweat off her brow. Somehow, she had been freed from the dreaded duck tape. Perhaps Jackie or Android 17 had been the one two do it, yet there was no evidence to suggest that. Her eyes still had a slight psychotic look to them, as they twitched rapidly.
Jackie paused, creating total silence in the studio."But you wear Android 18's clothes…."
Android 17 blushed. "They're so comfy and warm! Why else do you think I took her shopping so many times? I wanted clothes too!"
Blank stares were the only reply Android 17 received. What were you supposed to say when someone admits that, so openly, on inter-dimensional TV? All of the villains in Hell were watching, along with Goku and some other do-gooders. They had to create a warning now, that some of the most despicable people dead and alive would be watching your every word. They could do anything- unless, of course, the person in question is Goku. He would more likely just frown at you before gushing all about the food at King Kai's place. He wouldn't even care about what you had done after those three seconds of disappointment were over!
"What? I'm an Android! It's not like I'm going to die and people will remember me as some dude who plays dress up!" Android 17 half yelled, trying to justify himself. "I'm practically immortal!"
"Can you make me immortal?" Emely asked, a hint of a squeal in her voice, "Can you? Can you? CAN YOU?"
Android 17 looked at her for a second. Jackie was actually feeling a little scared, not that she would let anyone know about it. Especially, since she had to go back to N.F.A.O.O.F.I.Y.B.S (Not Feeling An Ounce Of Fear In Your Body School) because she wasn't tough enough in the last episode. After going through extensive training, which involved being locked in a room with Goten, Jackie had sworn to never let Launch back on the show. If she did, she'd have to return to that dreadful, terrible room.
"Pinkie? What did I say?" Android 17 said sternly, like a father scolding his child.
How odd. Android 17 raising Emely as his own, teaching her how to terrify people who didn't get her what she wanted. Jackie cringed at the very thought. If Emely learned how to use ki, the world as she knew it would not live to see another day. Just in case, Jackie would make sure that the Emely shelter was fully stocked and prepared for war. She had been miserable when Emely had campaigned for 17 to go on the show, later shanghaiing one of the viewers to get her way.
"Err…Shut up?" Emely volunteered energetically, firmly sealing her lips at Android 17's nod.
"Why is she acting like an idiot?" Jackie mumbled to herself, just quiet enough that Android 17's sensors couldn't pick it up.
"Good," Android 17 commented. "And no, I'm not that evil,"
Maybe Dende really did care for the Earth. Caring, of course, meaning that he let Mr. Popo take over so they'd get some good luck every once and a while. It was an odd feeling for Jackie, to have a deity actually help her out instead of making the tables turn on her. Could this be the reason that Son Goku was such a goody two shoes? Maybe she should become good and turn this TV show into one of those exercise shows…Nope. There was no way Jackie Tanner was willing to do that, she still had tons of torturing sessions, erm, interviews to film….
"But I am," Jackie whispered, instantly catching the attention of everyone in the room….
…Including the annoying little fly buzzing around the walls.
Jackie raised her hand swiftly, revealing the dreaded remote in her grasp. Pressing down on the tenth button, she instantly relaxed back into her chair. She knew that finally, her mission had been completed. This would drive Android 17 insane; she could leave him to Emely, who would leave her alone, which meant she could hang out with Glitter tonight. Ah yes, life is sweet when you have the power to torture the strongest, alive and dead, warriors in the universe!
"NO! IT IS NOT A SMALL WORLD! OTHERWISE, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN TO GOKU'S HOUSE A LOT SOONER!" Android 17 screamed, clutching his ears in pain as Emely fussed over him.
That dreaded song was the only thing that poor Android could hear. He wanted someone to shut him off, just to spare him from that dreaded noise! But the only person willing to help him was the android obsessed Emely Roze Tevens.
"I can help you," Emely purred. "You just have to say yes to my next question!"
"OK! JUST MAKE THIS HORRID SONG CEASE! I'M GOING TO MALFUNCTION!" Android 17 begged, not even listening to what Emely was saying.
"Will you marry me?" Emely asked, "And let's have our wedding today!"
"Hey Emely," Jackie called, holding up a bag of chocolates marked 'Hypnotic chocolates that will get a crazed fan girl off your back and make for great television, "Want some?"
Oh, revenge is a dish best served cold. Jackie would know. She'd been freezing these chocolates for as long as she could. Emely would never know what hit her.
But remember boys and girls, the moral of this story is don't, you ever let a pink girl named Emely Roze Tevens become your friend, stalker, or relative. It will be your undoing, much like if you called Frieza fat when you can't even beat Raditz. Oh, I pity the souls that would have tried that. But not as much of the ones who didn't, not because they haven't lived.
Jackie Tanner would have had tons of hits if she videoed that.