Pale fingers run through my slightly damp hair. My eyes slip closed as I listen to the sounds of the TV in the background. We're watching the Last Song for the thousandth time, being that it's our all time favorite movie. My head is resting on Isabelle's lap while she leans against the headboard of her bed.
"I think he might love you," Izzy says out of the blue. A bitter laugh escapes my lips as I turn my head to look at her.
"Not in the way I want him to," I say. Izzy shakes her head and moves her eyes to mine from the TV.
"You don't know that," she says.
"Has he told you differently?" I say while raising an eyebrow.
"Not exactly but-"
"Iz-"
"No, Mags, listen. You didn't see how upset he was after the accident and after you started avoiding him. He fell apart completely. I'm not sure what he would have done if you didn't make it." Izzy looks back to the TV with a sigh.
"He was my best friend. Of course he was upset after what happened. That doesn't mean he thinks of me as anything more than a friend," I say. I want to believe what she's saying but I can't let my self get my hopes up, not again. Alexander Lightwood is my best friend and that's all we'll ever be to each other, whether I like it or not.
"I think you're wrong. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?" Izzy says, barely above a whisper.
"I'll scare him away if I do. I can't lose him," I say.
"You've been ignoring him for months. How is that different from losing him?" Iz states, a little edge in her tone.
"Yeah and look how far that got me," I say. "I can't live without you guys, whether I like it or not."
"Then why'd you do it?" Izzy asks hesitantly. My posture stiffens at her question. I knew it was coming eventually but I was hoping it would be later rather than sooner.
"This is my favorite part," I say while moving my eyes to the screen. Izzy sighs again but doesn't push the question further. We finish the rest of the movie in silence, Izzy's fingers still working through my hair. Once the credits start rolling I move my head off of Izzy's lap and onto one of her pillows. She lies down next to me and pulls her comforter over us.
"He visited you every day in the hospital before you woke up and said he couldn't." Izzy says. I sigh and close my eyes. I knew she would never give up on this.
"I know. My mom told me."
"We all came to see you. Just not as often as him," Iz says. "He even kept coming after you told your mom not to let us in. He would just sit in the waiting room for hours."
"I didn't know that," I say, shocked. I had figured Alec just gave up after I wouldn't allow any of them into my hospital room.
"He didn't stop until you got out. I think he was hoping that one day you would change your mind and let him in." Izzy curls her legs up and wraps her arms around them.
"I'm sorry," I say. The words feel so insignificant as they fall out of my lips. I have a feeling there is nothing I could say that would truly make up for what I did.
"Do you have any idea what you put us through?" Izzy says. I gulp as I wait for her to continue. "We were so happy that you pulled through after those terrible two weeks of not knowing what was going to happen. Then you wouldn't talk to us and it was like you actually had died. We would see you in the hallway and even though you wouldn't look at us, we still watched you. We were constantly reminded of you, making us miss you even more."
"I get it, Iz. Trust me, I get it. But you have to understand while you were losing one friend, I was losing five. Do you know how that made me feel?" I say, desperately trying to make her understand.
"At least you knew what was wrong. We had no idea what we did for you to hate us," Iz says. A tear rolls down her cheek and I wipe it away.
"I could never hate you, Isabelle. Or any of the others, as a matter of fact. I was just dealing with a lot and being around you guys would have only made it worse. I needed to come to terms with what happened," I say.
"Have you?"
"Have I what?" I raise my eyebrow at her.
"Come to terms with what happened," she says while sniffling a little.
"I don't know," I say with a shrug. "It's more complicated than a yes or no answer."
"Are you ever going to get back out there?" she asks. I suck in a breath and close my eyes. It's hard to understand how such a vague question can draw so much feeling out of me. We both know exactly what she means and we both know the weight of my answer. I quickly shake my head without opening my eyes. Izzy sighs and wraps her arms around me.
"No one has been able to beat your records. Alec was close at the last competition, but he still didn't do it," Izzy says in a lighter tone. I look up to her with a small smile on my lips.
"How close?" I ask.
"He finished in first with a score of 17, giving him 24 points at this point in the season," Izzy says, a proud smile on her lips. I realize how much I miss witnessing the love those two share. They're such an odd pair but their bond is so strong, it's hard not to be affected by it.
"That's only 7 points away from my record," I say excitedly.
"Yeah, I know. If he wins the next two meets, he'll be taking that one from you. He's still not close to your streak of 5 perfect scores in a row, though. He's only gotten two 20's this season." Izzy smiles at me and rests her head on my shoulder.
"Wow, he's gotten good. I wish I could see him ride," I say while shaking my head. I can't believe how good Alec has gotten without me even realizing it. Of course, I haven't been keeping up with the team, knowing it would be way too hard on me. I never imagined that it would be Alec taking my spot on top of the team. I assumed it would be Jace. I'm happy it wasn't, though. I'm proud of Alexander, knowing he's worked hard to achieve what he has.
"You can," Izzy says, pulling me out of my thoughts. I raise my eyebrows at her in a confused manner. "Tomorrow morning we have practice, as always. Come with us."
"No! No way that's happening," I say abruptly. My voice raises slightly as I shoot up into a sitting position.
"Calm down, Mags. I'm not asking you to surf. I'm just saying you can watch, considering you wanted to see how good Alec has gotten for yourself," Izzy says while sitting up with me. She puts her hand on my forearm as my heavy breaths start to slow down.
"I can't. I haven't stepped on a beach since..." I manage to say without yelling.
"Then now is a good time to. You'll have your friends there to help and support you. You'll be okay," Izzy says softly. I hop out of the bed and start pacing the room.
"I knew this would happen the second I went back to you guys. I'm so stupid! Why did I do this? This whole night was a mistake," I mumble as I walk circles around Izzy's room.
"Magnus, please calm down," Izzy says. She stands up and grabs me around the waist, affectively stopping my movements. "You can't run from this your whole life. It's been six months! You need to try and move on. Do it for yourself. You know you'll never be truly happy until you surf again. It's what you love."
"Yeah, well things change. I need to move on from that part of my life," I say harshly while shoving her arms off of me. I walk towards the door and reach to pull it open.
"Please don't leave! Not again, Magnus. Not again," she says barely above a whisper. The tears are evident in her voice. I pause in my motion and rest my head against the door. What am I doing? Why am I leaving again, right after I got them back. I must be more unstable than I thought if one small conversation can send me running. I need to be strong, or at least I need to pretend to be strong. They do say the more you repeat a lie, the more you start to believe it. Hopefully that's true.
"Fine," I whisper. I know Isabelle hears me from the way her arms wrap around my torso. She pulls me towards the bed until we're both lying down and under the comforter.
"I promise, you won't regret this," she says into my hair. I sigh and close my eyes. I really hope she's right.
The wind blows through my hair as I stand on the edge of the street. The smell of the ocean is so strong here. This is the closest I've ever gotten in the last six months. I thought I would be freaking out more than I am but I think I'm actually calmer. It's like my brain is relaxing me, telling me that this is where I'm supposed to be. I open my eyes and look to Izzy standing next to me.
"You ready?" she asks. I look out onto the beach and bight my lip. The team is already out in the waves being that Izzy is late, not surprisingly. I can't tell who is who yet because we aren't close enough. Izzy grabs my hand with the hand not holding her surf board. I look to her and nod.
Izzy takes a step onto the beach and pulls me with her. My toes curl as my bare feet hit the sand. It's cool and soft, just as I remember it being. Izzy brings me to where the rest of the team keeps their stuff and I sit down in the sand. Izzy puts her things down and runs towards the water, zipping her wet suit up as she goes.
I pull my knees up to my chest and sigh. I sift one of my hands through the sand, loving the feeling against my skin. It brings back so many great memories and amazing feelings. A small smile is on my face as I look over to the ocean. Someone falls into the sand next to me and I look over into Alec's beautiful eyes.
"Hey," he says with a small smile. He lightly nudges me with his shoulder before running his hand through his wet hair.
"Hey to you too," I say, returning his smile. "How's practice going?" I ask.
"Good until you showed up," Alec says with a cheeky grin.
"Oh. Do you want me to go?" I say while raising my eyebrows. Alec chuckles a little and shakes his head.
"No, not at all. It's nothing you did. I just can't concentrate with you sitting so close," Alec says. He looks at me through his lashes, a shy smile on his lips.
"I'm not that close to the water. I'm pretty far away actually," I say.
"Well, you're close enough to distract me," he says.
"I'm sorry," I say. Alec leans into me so our shoulders are touching.
"Don't be sorry for something that isn't your fault," Alec says. Our eyes lock as we look at each other. There's an emotion in his eyes that I can't exactly place. There's a lot of happiness in them, that much is obvious. I can see a bit of hope and maybe a little sadness. Love seems to be present but that might just be my wishful thinking.
"I heard you've been doing pretty well," I say, my eyes not leaving his. A small smile plays at his lips.
"I'll never be as good as you were," Alec says with a shrug.
"You never know. I wasn't that good," I say, a small blush spreading on my cheeks. Alec rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
"You're joking, right? You were amazing, better than amazing. I doubt anyone will ever be able to live up to your legacy."
"You flatter me," I say in a joking tone while placing a hand over my heart.
"You could still be amazing, if you just got back out there. I know you can," Alec says hesitantly. He averts his eyes a bit as if scared of what my reaction might be. I suck in a quick breath and bight my lip.
"I can't do it," I say while shaking my head. Alec looks back to my face, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised.
"But why won't you try? This is what you love and it's what you're good at. I just don't underst-"
"No, you don't understand," I interrupt.
"Well then make me understand," he says. He scoots a little bit closer to me so our thighs graze each other with each movement.
"I died, Alexander. I wasn't just injured. For 8 seconds in that ambulance, I left this world completely. If they hadn't been able to revive me, I'd still be gone. I can't take that risk again," I say. I turn my head away form him and roll my lips into my mouth. Alec grabs my chin and turns my head to face him again.
"It was a freak accident. The chances of it happening again is insanely low."
"That's the thing, it wasn't a freak accident! It was all my fault!" I exclaim.
"What do you mean? You were knocked off your board and hit your head. How is that your fault?" Alec says, his eyebrows drawing together. I sigh and shake my head. "Please, tell me."
"I shouldn't have been out there in the first place," I say softly.
"The storm wasn't that bad. You've surfed in worse before," Alec says, his face plagued with confusion. I bite my lip and look at him. I don't want to tell him but this is my best friend. In some respect, I feel like he has a right to know.
"I was upset, really upset. I went surfing to make me feel better. I knew I shouldn't be surfing when upset but I wasn't thinking straight. Not only that but I went alone. The entire thing was my fault," I say. I feel a weight on my hand and look down to see Alec's hand on top of mine. He laces his fingers through mine and squeezes.
"What made you so upset to do something like that?" Alec asks. I turn my head away again and close my eyes.
"I can't tell you that," I say softly.
"Why? I thought we told each other everything," Alec says. His voice sounds a little bit desperate. It makes me want to tell him but I know I shouldn't. It would reveal everything I've tried so hard to keep hidden.
"I just got you back. I don't want to lose you again," I say. When I turn my head back to him, our faces are barely an inch apart. I can feel his breath ghosting over my lips.
"Nothing you say could ever scare me off," he says. He opens his mouth as if to say something but instead just shakes his head a little.
"I'm pretty sure this would," I say.
"Try me." I sigh when he says this. I doubt there's anyway I'm going to be able to get away with not telling him.
"I overheard something that wasn't meant for me to hear. I just sort of thought it wasn't true but after hearing it, I couldn't deny it anymore. It hit me hard," I say. I hope this satisfies his curiosity enough that he doesn't ask questions.
"What did you hear?" Alec asks. I sigh but am too worn down to try to hold any information back from him.
"The person I'm in love with basically rejected me," I say. Alec looks a bit dejected when I say this but I don't know why he would be.
"I didn't realize there was someone you loved," Alec says softly.
"I don't really tell anyone. It's too hard to know that the love of my life will never love me back." I shrug in an attempt to play it off as nothing but I know by the way Alec is looking at me that he realizes how much it hurts. He pulls me into a hug and buries his head in my hair. I think I hear him inhale my scent before he pulls away.
"I need to get back to practice. Think about what we talked about, okay?" Alec asks. I nod and look at him through my lashes as he stands up. He brushes his hand across my cheek and smiles fondly. I watch as he picks up his board and heads back into the water.
As I watch him paddle deeper in, I have this longing in the pit of my stomach to be by his side. I try to push down the urge to hop into the water but it's hard to ignore. It's been there ever since I stopped surfing but has never been as strong as it is now. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to hold off my urges.