And here we are with another batch of madness just as I promised. Before we begin though, a big thanks to everyone who reviewed and favorited the story so far! Your support really helps me come up with these crazy scenarios. Anyways, onward to the story!

Disclaimer: I like the new generation of Pokémon. Red doesn't. You'll understand when you get there.

Ch 1: Otter Nonsense with Old Friends

Red was in paradise. He was sitting on top of what appeared to be a giant fluffy cloud as he happily munched cookies of all variety that were stacked like mountains around him. Somewhere, the cheerful sounds of the Route 1 theme could be heard playing as if to match the Champion's jubilant mood. After jumping into a nearby cookie pile and coming out with a carefree laugh, Red suddenly spotted something strange. A Pokémon that Red had never seen before was wistfully staring at Red's pile of cookies. Feeling rather generous, Red motioned towards the Pokémon to come join him. Seeing this, the Pokémon perked up and quickly ran towards the cookie pile.

"Help yourself to anything in the pile," Red said with a smile causing the Pokémon to immediately dive headfirst into the closest stack. Now that he had taken a closer look, Red saw that the Pokémon resembled a blue and yellow shrew with a small flame on its back. Before Red could pull out his Pokédex to see what the creature's name was, another new Pokémon entered his field of vision. This one was a strange, four-legged creature that had a large leaf on its head. As Red tried to figure out what to do with the newcomer, the flaming shrew from before jumped out and began chatting with the new Pokémon before turning to look at the trainer expectantly.

"Ohhh… I get it. You want me to let your friend join us as well." Red paused for a second to add some dramatic tension before answering with a wide smile. "Sure, why not? The more the merrier I say. Besides, I've got more than enough cookies for the three of us."

This caused the leaf-Pokémon to jump for joy as it jumped into the pile next to its friend. Deciding the two Pokémon would keep each other occupied, Red returned to his glorious cookie feast.

After a long while, Red returned to check up on his guests. Much to his surprise he found that the number of Pokémon had increased. Chomping through a nearby mound of cookies was a bizarre blue mudfish creature as well as a small orange chick.

"Umm… who are these guys?" Hearing Red ask this, the shrew and leaf creature from before simply shrugged as if this didn't concern them.

"Well… I guess two more wouldn't make too much of a diff-" Red didn't get to finish as his favorite Route 1 theme suddenly changed into an unfamiliar tune featuring a lot of trumpets. Seeing the way that the mudfish thing and the chick were bobbing their heads to the new music, he guessed that they had been the ones to somehow change the soundtrack.

"Okay, not cool. I'm the boss here and I didn't give you permission to change the song." This was promptly ignored as the fire shrew and leaf creature began dancing to the tune as well. "Seriously guys, this is getting out of hand…"

Red trailed off when he spotted yet another intruder in his personal paradise. This time he wasn't even sure if what he was seeing were actually Pokémon. A proud-looking blue penguin along with a turtle that had a small plant sticking out of its head were munching away on his cookies without a care in the world. To Red, these new creatures looked like something he and Blue had doodled on their sketchbooks as kids when they didn't know what actual Pokémon looked like. Whatever the case was, Red was starting to get ticked off about the uninvited guests.

"Hey! I never said it was alright for you guys to be here! Just who do you think is in charge of this place?"

This seemed to be the wrong thing to say as all the Pokémon suddenly turned on him with an annoyed look on their faces. Even though he was a bit intimidated by this, Red maintained his stern look as he continued speaking. "Alright, listen up! If you guys are going to stay then let's get one thing straight! This place belongs to me and only me! You guys are all here because I let you! So unless you want to get kicked out, you'll start listening to what I have to say!"

Upon hearing this, the Pokémon slowly got up and began to menacingly approach the young Champion. As they did, numerous other Pokémon that Red didn't know about suddenly popped out from the piles of cookie surrounding him. Normally, this would have scared the heck out of Red but at the moment he couldn't help but suddenly burst out laughing as he spotted something among the crowd. The Pokémon all stopped with a confused look in their eyes as the Champion continued to laugh like a maniac. After a long while, he managed to lift up his hand and pointed towards a pair of Pokémon that had just appeared.

"Y… you're kidding, right?" Red said while trying to hold back his laughter. "A fire pig? That has got to be one of the stupidest things I've seen in my entire life! I mean, what's it going to do? Cook itself for my breakfast? And don't even get me started on that dumb otter thing! It just… it looks…" Red couldn't finish his sentence as he burst out laughing again.

Unfortunately for Red, the "dumb otter" did not take too kindly to being mocked. With a clearly enraged expression, the otter suddenly began to glow with a white light. Instead of evolving however, it simply grew to about ten times its original size. By this point, Red was no longer laughing as he stared up at the colossal otter in pure terror.

"Err… I was just joking about you being dumb…" The otter ignored Red's lame attempt at an apology as it reached down and somehow grabbed the terrified trainer with its stubby arm. With a furious look still on its face, the giant otter began making its way towards the edge of Red's cookie cloud island with its victim in tow. Upon reaching the edge, the otter looked down at Red with a menacing grin before slowly raised the arm holding the trainer. Realizing what was going to happen, Red began to struggle and plead for his life.

"I take it back! You're not stupid! You're the most majestic Pokémon I've ever seen! Just let me go! I… I'll even give you half of my cookies!" As he said that, Red caught sight of something that made him forget all about his current plight. The mountains of cookies that had decorated the place a few seconds ago were all gone as the other Pokémon were lying on the ground with overstuffed bellies. Not even a crumb was left behind as Red looked on in disbelief. As if to add insult to injury, the fire pig gave a loud fiery burp that somehow lighted up the cloud causing Red's former paradise to suddenly turn into a hellish landscape. As Red looked on in horror, the giant otter holding him caught on fire as well. Everything except for the arm holding Red was completely enveloped in a fiery veil giving the otter an even more nightmarish appearance. As Red finally began to openly scream in terror, the otter let out a deep, booming laugh that resounded with pure malice. As the demonic laughter continued to echo through Red's ears, the giant otter threw the screaming Champion off of the cloud and into the dark abyss. The last thing Red saw before being consumed by the darkness was the laughing form of the hellish otter as his once-glorious cookie paradise burned behind it.

xxx

"AHHH! DEMON OTTERS!" Red's screams about nightmarish, semi-aquatic mammals were interrupted when he suddenly felt himself falling before landing face-first onto a carpeted floor. "Owww…"

After taking a few seconds to recover, Red slowly got up and found himself in a tidy little living room. Apparently, he had been sleeping on the sofa next to him before he had so graciously fallen off just now. As Red tried to sort all of this inside his still-throbbing head, a bemused voice was suddenly heard from behind him.

"Demon otters? Hmm… maybe I should have given you that shot of antipsychotics after all…"

Recognizing the voice, Red quickly turned around and gave a sigh of relief when he found a familiar face. Wearing a fashionable lab coat as well as a pair of dark shades, the bald man was none other than Blaine, the ex-gym leader of Cinnabar Island as well as one of Red's few trusted friends. At the moment, Blaine was casually sitting in the recliner next to the sofa and was sipping a cup of tea. From the look he was giving Red, he was still expecting an explanation about the Champion's latest remark.

"Err… you can forget about the otter thing. It was just a nightmare I had..." Judging from the small yet distinct smile on Blaine's face, Red guessed that his friend was already compiling an extensive list of otter-related jokes to taunt him with. Deciding he had enough otters in his life for one day, Red quickly changed the subject. "So… I'm guessing you're the one who saved me from my fans?"

"More or less," Blaine remarked with a shrug. If he was disappointed that he didn't get to use his jokes, he clearly didn't show it.

Red gave a nod to Blaine's answer before bringing up another important question. "How long was I out for?"

Blaine stayed silent as if he had to think for a second. After taking a sip of his tea, he finally answered in a calm voice. "One year and eight months, if I recall correctly."

Red visibly blanched when he heard this. Just as he was about start running around the room looking for a calendar, he realized something didn't quite add up.

"Wait a second... I was sleeping on the sofa. No one would keep a comatose person on the sofa for nearly two years!"

Hearing this, Blaine finally started to laugh. Realizing that he had just been duped, Red crossed his arms and simply glared at the old man.

"Ha ha. Really mature of you," Red sarcastically intoned as his friend continued to laugh.

It took a good three minutes for the old Gym Leader to calm down. After drowning out the last few bits of laughter with a sip of his tea, Blaine faced Red with a smirk still on his face.

"Sorry, couldn't resist. You were actually just out for about an hour or so."

"And here I was thinking that you might have improved your sense of humor since I last saw you." Red gave a heavy sigh as he sat back down on the sofa. "Ah, well. I guess you did just save me from being butchered by a horde of fans. I suppose I owe you one even if it means putting up with your 'jokes.'"

Blaine actually turned somewhat serious as he dismissed Red's words with a wave of his hand. "You don't owe me anything. I'm merely repaying you back for the time you helped with Cinnabar's evacuation."

Hearing this, Red couldn't help but smile a bit as he remembered that fateful day. Several months before the latest fan club attack, Red had played a crucial role in the evacuation of Cinnabar Island when its volcano had suddenly erupted. With the help of his various Pokémon, Red had managed to scout, rescue, and ferry the island's inhabitants away from the burning town before it was too late. After the dust had settled, the media had made the surprising report that there had been no casualties despite the magnitude of the disaster. Of course, Blaine and the town's residents knew exactly who to thank for this but kept their savior's identity a secret to prevent the infamous fan club from tracking him down. Following this, Red had come back to check up on the refugees every once in a while and had struck up a friendship with Blaine during that time. Of course, the Champion soon had to go back into hiding as fan club activity began to rise again.

"Speaking of the eruption, since when did you get a nice little vacation home like this?" Red asked as he finally took in his surroundings. "Last I heard, you were camping out somewhere in the Seafoam Islands."

Blaine gave an amused smile before answering.

"Who said I wasn't?"

Blaine then pulled out what looked like a tiny TV remote from his coat pocket. With the press of a button, a small section of the wall above the sofa suddenly slid open. As Red got up and peered through the newly exposed window, he saw that the room was actually built inside a cave overlooking the ocean. Judging from what Blaine had just said, it was quite clear that the entire place was built directly into one of the Seafoam Islands.

"Wha…? When did you…? How did you…?"

Blaine couldn't help but give a laugh after seeing the incredulous look on Red's face. "No need to be so surprised. Anyone with the right contacts can get themselves a secret, ocean-side villa built nowadays. Unfortunately, I might have gone a little overboard with this little project."

"What do you mean?"

"I spent all my money on this place so now I have nothing left to rebuild my gym," Blaine said as he scratched his head in embarrassment. "Luckily, the Pokémon Association is still stuck on the official paperwork regarding the destruction of Cinnabar so I have a bit of time before announcing my return. Just as a precaution though, I've constructed a temporary gym on the other island."

"Cool. What does your new gym look like?"

"Well… it's not really so much a gym as it is an empty cave with a battle arena drawn on the floor in white paint… Anyways, if anyone asks, tell them I'm still homeless. I'm planning on enjoying a quiet life here after I retire so be sure to keep this place a secret from everyone else."

Red simply nodded as he turned around to inspect the place more thoroughly. The living room was modest in size but very cozy-looking with its sofa, recliner, coffee table, bookshelf and large, wall-mounted TV. Next to it was an expensive-looking dining room with a hand-crafted wooden table and crystal chandelier as well as a kitchen that was filled to the brim with the latest cutting-edge appliances. From his position, Red spotted three separate rooms that were connected to the living room. The one on the far right was clearly a bathroom while the other two were currently closed at the moment. Red guessed that these two rooms were Blaine's room and lab respectively.

Finishing his look around, Red gave an impressed whistle. "This is one heck of a place you have old man."

"Oh, this is nothing. You should see the water-ski course I have downstairs."

"You have an underground water-ski course?!"

"Of course. It's right next to my starship fleet and otter zoo."

Red could have reacted to this terrible joke in a variety of different ways but eventually chose to just go with an old classic: the face-palm. Of course, Blaine didn't even notice as he was too busy laughing.

Several minutes and multiple sighs later, the two were back to making small talk as they ate the bowl of chips that Blaine had brought out from the kitchen. As they continued ranting to each other about the rising prices of Repels, Red suddenly remembered something that he had forgotten to ask.

"By the way, how exactly did you rescue me from all those fans?"

Before Blaine could answer, one of the closed doors suddenly opened and a familiar yet terrifying figure entered the living room.

He didn't, the legendary Pokémon known as Mewtwo said telepathically as he glared at Red. I'm the one who had to actually go and teleport your sorry ass over here. The only thing that old geezer did was to tell me to rescue you after seeing your stupid chase on the news.

Red was speechless as he tried to take all of this in. In hindsight though, Red really shouldn't have been surprised by Mewtwo's presence. He had actually entrusted Blaine with the Psychic Pokémon during their last meeting several months back. Even after capturing Mewtwo with the Master Ball, Red had been too afraid to use the violent Pokémon as he would always turn on Red the moment he let him out. As such, Red had hoped that Blaine would be able to use some of his scientific tools and knowledge to help adjust the Pokémon's foul temper. Judging from what he just heard though, Red guessed that progress was still slow.

"I didn't know you could talk," Red eventually managed to say as he took a closer look at his former Pokémon. The only change that Red saw was the large mug of coffee that Mewtwo was telekinetically holding up. As Red waited for an answer, the Pokémon downed the last bit of brew in the cup before facing the young Champion with a scowl.

I think I should be more surprised that a primitive monkey like you can talk.

Red wisely chose not to make a witty comeback as Mewtwo went over to the coffee machine in the kitchen to refill his mug.

"I'd cut back on the caffeine if I were you," Blaine advised without even turning his head. "I don't want you going another genocidal rampage from sleep deprivation."

Mewtwo simply gave an annoyed grunt as he walked back to his room with his coffee in hand.

"Well… You two sure seem to get along," Red remarked sarcastically as the door to Mewtwo's room closed.

"Yeah, our therapy sessions haven't been going very well." Blaine gave a sigh as he folded his arms. "I mean, he's definitely improved from his 'destroy all human' days but now he's turned into a caffeine-addicted internet troll."

"…a what?"

Blaine gave another sigh before explaining. "He spends most of his time on the computer posting angry and disruptive comments wherever he can. Apparently his actions have become so infamous that the online community coined the term 'troll' to describe him. Honestly though, I'm not much of an internet person so it doesn't make much sense to me either."

Red nodded in agreement to the last part of that statement. As he had been on the run for nearly two years, Red was not exactly the most tech-savvy person on the planet. However, he did know that the internet was an old invention of Bill's that had grown in popularity in the last several years.

Red's thoughts were interrupted when Blaine's clock suddenly began to chime.

"Oh wow, it's seven o'clock already?" Red exclaimed as he got up. "Well, guess I better head out then. Thanks again for saving me Blaine. And be sure to thank Mewtwo as well when you get the chance."

"I think you should stay here for a few days," Blaine casually replied without getting up.

"Thanks for the offer but it's alright. I don't want to bother you any more than I already have. Besides, I've got a nice landfill near Fuchsia City that I can lay low in for a while."

Deciding to overlook Red's bizarre choice of a hideout, Blaine instead grabbed the TV remote on the coffee table and flipped over to the news.

"…the greatest Champion ever! He even cares so much for us fans that he actually took the time to have a mock air battle with us today!" From the look of things, the media was covering the story about the Champion's appearance earlier that day. Disturbingly enough, the person who was being interviewed was a half-naked man that had painted himself to look like a Pikachu. However, he was hardly the strangest one in the shot as the enormous crowds of people behind him were all dressed as either Red or his various Pokémon. As the clearly freaked out reporter tried to give a smile and walk away, a disheveled young girl dressed as the Champion suddenly burst forward with what appeared to be a fistful of hair.

"RED-SENPAI ACTUALLY GRABBED MY ARMS AND THEN GAVE ME SOME OF HIS HAIR!" The subsequent squees from the fangirl were so high-pitched that it actually managed to put a crack on the camera's lens. However, this was only the start of the chaos as nearby fans suddenly plowed through the terrified reporter and cameraman in their scramble to steal some of Red's hair from the ecstatic fangirl. The last thing to be heard before the live feed was cut off was what sounded like several limbs being torn apart along with the muffled voice of the fangirl shouting, "MARRY ME SENPAI!"

An awkward silence fell upon the living room as the news returned to an equally quiet studio. Red was in complete frozen status with a look somewhere between disbelief and outright fear etched onto his face. After a good five minutes, Red finally thawed out and spoke up.

"Forget the landfill. I'm staying here for the night."

Blaine could barely contain his laughter as he got up to refill his cup of tea.

"You can sleep on the sofa."

Leave a review and I'll give you an imaginary otter farm. Just make sure to never call them dumb.