Note: I do not own Trigun / Vash "the Stampede": he belongs to the incomparable Mr. Yasuhiro Nightow.
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"Broken Memories" is dedicated to:
Everyone who has survived nightmare-inducing circumstances,
And their friends who care enough to provide a safe place when they need one.
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"Broken Memories"
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Chapter 4: Worries
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Date: Star year 0155 month 6 day 2, approximately 1:38 a.m.
Location: Seeds Village
She couldn't help worrying about Vash.
He was hugging her exactly as a frightened child would. She gently stroked his hair around his ears and temples, exactly as she did when comforting a frightened child. Her other hand rested on his forearm, where it was draped across her waist. She thought she felt a little moisture soaking through the fabric of her pajama top, on the shoulder where his head rested.
Usually, Vash concealed his inner pain so thoroughly that it was difficult to detect. Yet it was always present, as an undercurrent, during every waking moment. If she weren't a Plant, she usually wouldn't be able to detect it at all... except during moments like this, when some cruel memory caused part of his pain to escape its leash. During those moments, his cheerful facade was temporarily shattered, and he was vulnerable.
Seeing him like this always brought tears to her eyes. She felt his tension fading away, as he drifted more deeply into sleep, so she let herself cry silently. He wouldn't notice, not now. She kept hearing the ache in his voice, when he'd admitted that he didn't know her.
She could always trust him to be honest, even at times like this... when he didn't know who she was. He might not bring up the subject by asking her about herself. However, if she detected anything in his emotions or behavior that made her wonder, and asked him whether he knew her, Vash would always answer truthfully.
Her thoughts drifted backward several hours, to his arrival yesterday afternoon...
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Date: Star year 0155 month 6 day 1, approximately 3:22 p.m.
Location: Seeds Village
Vash might be coming! Perhaps not today... well, truthfully, probably not today. But he planned to come soon. She missed him so much!
He'd written Luida that he might visit Seeds some time this month. This was the first day of the month, and she was so distracted by the hope of his coming that she couldn't concentrate at work. So she spoke with her supervisor at the infirmary, and was granted time off to make the house ready. Tomorrow she would be able to concentrate better, simply from knowing the house was ready.
Unless he came. If that happened, she'd have difficulty concentrating on anything else.
Vash didn't always come when he said he might, because circumstances did not always cooperate. She understood and accepted that. Yet she always hoped. She was determined to make the house ready for him, because of that hope. It had been 17 months since his last visit, and she missed him tremendously.
He most frequently arrived late in the day, weary from travel. Sometimes Vash drove himself beyond exhaustion, which always worried her. For the moment, however, she set aside such worries. Perhaps he wasn't driving himself too hard, today. Perhaps he would only be normally weary, when... no, if he came.
The anticipation of possibly getting to see her favorite person in the universe was enough to lift her spirits.
Humming a happy tune, she prepared bread dough. While it was rising, she mixed up some salmon paste, because it was Vash's favorite sandwich filling. She also took a jar of dill pickles out of the pantry, and put it into the refrigerator. She kneaded the bread dough, put it into pans, and let it begin rising the second time.
After that, she began to freshen up the house. She wanted everything to be as nearly perfect as possible.
Naturally, she began in Vash's room. She continued humming as she took down the curtains and gathered the bedding. While they were in the washing machine, she cleaned and dusted his room. When the textiles were clean, she hung them out to dry and put the bread in the oven. She poured cider from the barrel in the pantry into a pitcher, and put that pitcher of cider into the refrigerator.
She checked on the drying textiles, and wasn't surprised to find them dry. The combination of the desert air and summer temperatures* had dried them swiftly. She took them back to his room and re-hung the curtains. Checking the clock on his nightstand, she saw that it was time to take the bread out of the oven. She did, and then she returned. She began to put the freshly laundered linens back onto his bed. She had gotten as far as putting the clean mattress sheet on and reaching for the top sheet, when she heard a knock at the front door.
Her heart skipped a beat. Had something happened at the infirmary, which required her presence? She was always "on call," so any knock at the door might mean someone needed help.
Glancing out the window, she saw that it had grown so late in the afternoon that it was nearly evening. She hurried to the door, wiping sweat from her face and brushing dust and flour off her clothes. She devoutly hoped that nothing was seriously wrong. She opened the door, and gasped.
To her surprise and delight, she found a very dusty Vash standing on the doorstep. His bag was resting on the ground against the outer wall of the house.
"Vash!" she said, smiling widely, "It's so good to see you! I've missed you..."
He smiled and opened his arms as soon as he saw her. She accepted his nonverbal invitation without hesitation, and hugged him tightly.
"...so very much," she finished saying, while hugging him.
As usual, she hugged him by reaching under his right arm and resting her head on his shoulder as she leaned against his side. She stretched her neck just a little, to press her nose against his neck and inhale his scent. She felt his breathing and heartbeat as she hugged him.
Knowing that Vash was alive and well, from direct observation with most of her senses, always made her happy. When he was nearby, she felt as if she were somehow more "alive" than usual... even though that idea made no sense. Vash was her favorite person in the universe - and the one dearest to her, since her adopted human mother had died. More than anything else, she loved to see him and to be near him.
"It's good to see you, Shyla," he said softly, as he hugged her and patted her head. "I've missed you, too."
"I haven't quite finished getting your room ready," she said guiltily, thinking that she ought to have begun sooner by taking yesterday off from work instead of waiting until this afternoon. "I was just changing the bed..."
They both let go, ending the hug, while she was speaking.
"I'm sure it will be fine," Vash said fondly, as he picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. His voice turned more light-hearted, a sound she knew meant he was teasing. "It will be more comfortable than the desert sands, even if it's not quite up to your high standards of perfection."
Even though he was being silly, his words were still a compliment. She blushed slightly, embarrassed by his praise.
He took half a step toward the open doorway, and stumbled. She caught his elbow, and steadied him. He smiled a weary and mildly embarrassed half-grin at her as he moved into the house.
That stumble suggested that he might have pushed himself too hard, again.
They both went inside, and she closed the door behind them. He began moving through the sitting area toward his room. She walked beside him.
"I'll get you something to eat," she said. "I have salmon paste, dill pickles, fresh bread, and cider."
He smiled again. "You're spoiling me," he said fondly.
"I like taking care of you," she said, smiling. Then she sobered. "It looks like someone needs to."
"I'm only tired," he said softly, still smiling.
She looked at him reproachfully, and his smile grew wider.
"I was eager to get here," he said, as his smile softened, "so maybe I didn't sleep as much as I should have, during the last few days. I might have skipped a meal or two, also."
Seeing her expression, he reached out and mussed her hair. "Don't worry, though, Shyla," he said. "I'll catch up while I'm here. But first, I need to wash up."
She gave him a fond look, and deliberately shared her affection for him, as she removed his hand from her hair.
"I'll make up a few sandwiches and pour some cider, then," she said. "I'm sorry that I don't have any doughnuts ready, or a better evening meal. I hadn't expected that I would get to see you again quite so soon."
"Sandwiches and cider will be just fine," he called over his shoulder, as he walked into his room.
Shyla found herself frowning. She sensed that he was extremely weary, more than usual even for him. It showed in his eyes, and in the slight slouch to his shoulders. It showed when they stopped hugging, and he stumbled. It showed in how stiffly and slowly he walked to his room, entirely lacking his usual athletic grace. In her opinion, Vash pushed himself far too hard, and he did it much too often. He was so focused on protecting (and taking care of) others that he often forgot to take adequate care of himself.
She felt her expression soften as she looked toward his still-open doorway. That intrinsic selflessness was part of what made Vash so special, and so dear.
She hurried to the other side of the sitting area, through her room and into her bathroom. She took off her apron and dirty shirt, and quickly washed up and smoothed her hair where he'd meddled with it. Then she put on a clean sleeveless shirt. Thanks to the apron, her knee-length shorts were in reasonable condition.
She went to the control panel and turned on the air conditioning, choosing a low setting. The day was uncomfortably warm, but she didn't want him to grow too chilled after his long walk through the desert. The thick walls of her cliffside home were good insulation, but they didn't keep enough of the summer heat out to make it truly comfortable (at least not after this many hot days, because the heat gradually soaked into the walls). To spare her sister-Plants who lived in their orbs inside the bulbs in the ship, she seldom turned on either heat or air conditioning, unless temperatures became truly extreme. At least, not when she was home alone. However, for Vash... she knew the orb-sisters wouldn't mind. They loved him as much as she did.
After that, she returned to the kitchen and put on a clean apron. She was humming happily again. She would see to it that he rested and ate properly, and recovered, while he was here. She quickly and efficiently assembled sandwiches, cut them into smaller pieces, and then arranged them on a decorative plate. It was nearly time for dinner, so she made enough for both of them. She also took two glasses from the cupboard, and poured cider into them. After returning the pitcher of cider to the refrigerator, she took the sandwich plate and both glasses of cider to Vash's room.
He'd left his bedroom door wide open. She walked in and put the plate of sandwiches and both of the cider glasses on the nightstand beside his bed. She noticed that the bathroom door was nearly closed; it was barely open enough to be unlatched.
Seeing that inspired her to smile again. When Vash was visiting, she never latched a door between them, either.
She walked to the bench under the window, planning to take the top sheet, blankets, and quilt off of it, and then spread them over the bed. However, she had only picked up the top sheet when he came out of the bathroom, rubbing a towel over his hair.
He'd changed from his dusty clothes into a scoop-necked sleeveless top, and lightweight pants with a drawstring waist. She'd seen him wear those clothes previously. He might wear them when it was a very warm day. Other times, he might wear them to sleep in. The day was easily warm enough for him to want a sleeveless top, if he wasn't wearing his Seeds-made body-armor that helped to protect him from both heat and cold.
She also wore a sleeveless top, because of the heat.
"I see that dinner is ready," he said, smiling. "It looks and smells good, as usual."
"I try to do well, for you," she said softly, blushing slightly as she smiled in return.
"You're too hard on yourself," he said fondly.
She said nothing, though thoughts of soot-blackened pots and kettles each accusing the other of being sootier passed through her mind.
Vash sat on his bed, and she sat beside him. He passed her a sandwich and a glass of cider, and then took one of each for himself. They ate in quiet companionship.
She left to refill his glass, and then returned to find him leaning back on the bed looking sleepy. He sat up quickly, looking embarrassed, when he saw her.
"Thank you," he said, smiling. "How did you know I'd still be thirsty?"
"I thought you might be," she said fondly, as he drank the cider. "Now that we've finished eating, I'll wash the dishes. I'll be back shortly."
"No need to hurry," he said. "Since I managed to get here earlier than I'd originally planned, I might stay all week."
"Oh, that would be wonderful!" she said enthusiastically. "I like it best when you're here. The longer you stay, the better I'll like it."
"Aw, man," he said, "that's too much! You'll make my head swell so big that my sunglasses won't fit anymore. Then I could go blind from the suns' glare!"
She laughed at his joke, and then gestured for him to give her the glass he'd just emptied. He gave it to her. He also pulled the towel from his shoulders, and yawned.
"I'll only be a few minutes," she said. "Then you can tell me all about your journeys since your last visit. Or we can do whatever else you'd like to do."
"Sure," he said.
When she returned after washing the dishes, however, she found him asleep. He had nodded off in an awkward position, which would be likely to give him muscle cramps. So she took his damp towel away, and gently adjusted his position so he could rest more comfortably. After that, she spread the top sheet over the bed and over him. She also went into his bathroom and gathered his dusty clothes.
She knew that Vash was accustomed to doing his own chores. If she wanted to do something for him, she had to act quickly. Since he fell asleep before tending his laundry, it gave her an opportunity to do a little more "taking care of him." She grinned and hummed softly as she took his dirty clothes to the laundry room and washed them.
After hanging his freshly laundered clothing out to dry, she returned to his door and peered in to check on him. He was still asleep. So she quietly entered and took his blankets and quilt, and then carried them across the sitting room to her own room.
She spread his bedclothes over her own bed, and then folded them away from the equivalent area on her own bed that matched the part of his bed where he slept. Then she folded his blankets and quilt again, and again. Finally, she pulled them off her bed so that she could carry them to his.
Working quietly, she carefully unfolded them onto his bed, and then arranged the blankets and quilt so that he could pull one or more of them across himself if he grew too cool. It was unlikely, with a day so warm, that he would want them anytime soon. However, she knew that it would grow cooler at night. She always tried to provide everything he might need or want during any of his visits, and this was simply one opportunity to do so.
She felt he deserved more than that - much more - but it was all she knew how to do. It was probably all he would permit her to do, anyway. She stood gazing at him fondly as he slept, drinking in the sight of him, and enjoying having him near.
She saw him frown and tense, without waking up. She walked softly over to him and gently stroked his shoulder-length black hair, which was still damp from its recent washing. He relaxed almost immediately. She continued smoothing his hair long enough to be convinced that he seemed likely to keep sleeping peacefully and relaxed, instead of tensing again. Then she walked away and pulled the door nearly shut behind her as she left his room. Thus, any noise she made would be less likely to disturb him.
After that, she mixed up doughnut dough and set it aside to rise overnight. She quietly cleaned all potential imperfections it in the rest of the house. Then she did whatever preparations could be done ahead for Vash's favorite foods. She wanted them all to be as nearly "ready to cook" as possible, both to limit preparation times later, and to make it easy for him if he awoke hungry while she was asleep. She also brought in his clean clothes from the clothesline, and folded them.
She opened his door just enough to peer inside, as the suns were setting. Vash was still sleeping. The sunset colors washed across the room, emphasizing the golden tones in the pale golden-beige walls. The band of colored light from the stained glass windows added to that effect.
Since he'd fallen asleep, Vash's emotional echoes had been what she normally felt when he was asleep and dreaming. She went in quietly and placed the folded laundry on the dresser. Satisfied that she had done all for him, which she currently could, she returned to her own room.
Just before she was ready to go to sleep herself, however, his emotional echoes went completely silent. That was sufficiently unusual that she left her own bed and walked across the sitting room to peer into his room again. She found him frowning again, with his mouth moving and his body tense. His arms were also moving, as if he were struggling. Again, she moved to stand beside his bed. She stroked his hair until he seemed to relax.
Shyla sighed. She wanted to lie down beside him, and hug him at least until she was convinced that his nightmares had ended and he could again sleep peacefully. Unfortunately, he had previously instructed her that she was not to do this. He had been moderately stern about it, too, which was unusual for him when talking with her.
He had claimed he was concerned about harming her, if he awoke from a nightmare and didn't know her. However, she knew that wasn't the only reason. He was also worried about something to do with reproduction, even though he didn't want to say so. She remembered how her human mother had insisted that only Vash would know when she was ready to learn about "how to make a baby." So, when studying, she had worked hard to learn as much of everything else as she possibly could.
Since Vash brought her to Seeds, decades ago, she had learned so many things! She'd learned things she had not previously imagined about math, science, literature, botany, history, anatomy, and a great deal about medical science... everything except human / Plant biology where it applied to reproduction. She often wondered when she would be ready to learn about "making babies," and why her mother had thought that only Vash could teach her.
As she was learning more about anatomy and other medical sciences, it was growing increasingly difficult to avoid the subject of making babies (which was referenced by a list of labels that seemed to grow longer nearly every week).
She had watched him sleep for a time, as she pondered those things. Eventually, she returned to her own room.
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Date: Star year 0155 month 6 day 2, approximately 1:43 a.m.
Location: Seeds Village
Shyla continued gently stroking Vash's hair, as she remembered and thought about all that had happened since he arrived yesterday. She'd been restless, dozing more than sleeping, from worrying about him. Eventually, knowing it would be cooler outside, she'd gotten up to open the windows and turn off the air-conditioning.
Even though he hadn't known her, he hadn't hurt her. She had expected that, from knowing him. He wasn't the type of person who would hurt another needlessly.
Tonight was the first time when Vash had said that she should be "old enough to know" about reproductive activities. He didn't remember her when he said it, so she'd need to inquire again after his memories returned.
It would be a relief to finally know about those things, so that she wouldn't need to keep avoiding all references to them. She had been resisting her own curiosity on the subject, on and off, ever since Vash had brought her to live at Seeds.
Feeling a cooler breeze, she carefully adjusted the quilt to better cover both of them without waking him. She turned slightly toward him, and hugged him, before returning to her original position.
At least she didn't have to worry about a baby tonight. Vash had told her that she couldn't get pregnant from the manner in which he'd touched her.
More importantly, he was allowing her to be beside him while he slept. The one time she had fallen asleep beside him, while hugging him after he had a nightmare, he'd slept peacefully for the rest of the night. She hoped her presence would have the same effect, again.
She sighed contentedly, and looked at the stars. Her thoughts were mostly about her fondness and admiration for the man beside her.
Eventually, she also fell asleep. Her fingers in his hair stilled.
Shyla fell so soundly asleep that she didn't notice when Vash began to tense again.
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Author's note: In manga, near the end, it indicates that Knives caused trouble in all the cities in the southern hemisphere. Since that trouble didn't touch Seeds (this happened about a year after the attack of the Gung-Ho Guns), I imagine that Seeds may have been located slightly north of the equator. If so, then it would be summer weather during June there... and very hot during the summer.
Fun fact: Yellow or amber lenses cut glare, without being so dark that they cause the pupils to dilate. That might be the reason why Vash's sunglasses had amber lenses.