]o[ ]o[ ]o[

Games without Frontiers

Chapter 26: Got a Big Mouth but Don't Say a Thing

Rating PG

Soundtrack: Bang Bang – Jessie J, A. Grande, N. Minaj

Roy would certainly be glad when Riza returned from her leave. Because he was sure that everyone around him had gone crazy. And, with her absence, he was sure to join them down that pitted road to insanity.

It all started with the woman they sent him from the secretarial pool that morning.

Her name began with a C or S something of the sort. He really didn't remember. He did remember that she had the longest legs he'd ever seen on a woman and the almost perfect set of... the reaction in the room when she walked in said everything we couldn't. Apparently some smart ass knew his history with the secretarial pool and sent him someone sure to turn his engine over.

"Stunning," was Havoc's singular comment when she walked into the room.

That she was. A remarkably red-headed woman, again with legs – that went on forever and a face...

That looked nothing like the woman Roy was truly missing like crazy, who was enjoying the company of her grandfather for the next three days, ten hours and forty-seven minutes. And seventeen seconds.

He managed to greet the girl with some propriety and directed her to her duties for the day without incident. After that, he hadn't given her a second thought. He wasn't blind and he wasn't dead, but he really didn't have time to deal with the blowback. In front of him was an unrelenting run-on sentence that Edward Elric was calling a field report.

"Do you think that, next time, you could find it in your heart to use at least a comma? A semi-colon?" he asked plaintively as his prodigal Major (by the skin of his teeth) sprawled over his couch. Al was absent; doing something unbelievably domestic, Edward had told him.

"What? I'm told to report, so I report," Ed told him, not giving an inch. He'd returned from his hometown in the worst mood Roy had seen. "Nobody gave me any formatting rules or regulations. All the main points are there."

"Yeah, everything is here except a comma. Or a damned em dash. How about a capital letter to let me know when a sentence begins? You should borrow a secretary to type up your report next time," Roy muttered. "Ah-ha! A period. I found a period in here!"

Ed rolled his eyes and squirmed further into the soft leather of the couch. Roy was sure he heard the word "Bastard," seep past his teeth into the air.

"Sir?" came the voice of the secretary. "Would you like me to transcribe the report for you? Make it easier for you to read?"

The other men in the room – except the Fullmetal Alchemist, froze and listened to her voice swirl around them like hot caramel. Edward was examining his dirty fingernails and picked at the large screw in the back of his right hand.

Roy waved a hand in her general direction, ignoring his officers' hijinks. "No, no. It's all right...I think I can actually make out what he's trying to say here."

Havoc moved up to the desk, and as Roy looked up, he caught that particularly interesting look in his eye. It wasn't quite the usual poleaxed look he got whenever a beautiful woman crossed his path, but Roy couldn't quite identify it. "Mustang, are you feeling all right?" the younger man asked as he flipped a cigarette into his mouth.

Roy arched an eyebrow. "Yes, why?"

Havoc leaned across the desk, the unlit smoke stick wiggling with each word. "Have you seen Celia?"

"Who?" Roy frowned.

Havoc jabbed a thumb in the general direction of the Secretary. "Celia. She's. Absolutely. Amazing."

Roy looked again. Really, if truth be told, he couldn't help but look. She was sex appeal packaged in a tight miniskirt. He tilted his head to think about it. Perhaps if he didn't respond appropriately to the girl's obvious charms, someone might wonder if he hadn't gone completely spare. "She is remarkable," he said in his best purring voice. He would have sworn he actually saw her ears wiggle.

Ed made a noise. The other two turned to look at the scowling countenance. "What? You don't agree, Fullmetal?" Roy said, smirking.

Ed gave them both a look to melt steel. "I've got better things to do than sit here and stare at some random secretary all day," he said. "And so do you." He reached out and tapped the corner of Roy's desk. "The report?"

Roy shook his head and bent back to the paper in front of him. Dear Powers, the spelling! He could probably forgive the fact that the poor guy had to write things with his less dominant hand, but this spelling was beyond atrocious. He sure as hell didn't want to have to read any of his journals; he would be driven mad just trying to find a legible word.

"You mean to tell me that set of legs doesn't make you want to stare all day?" Roy heard Havoc comment to Ed, this time with strange, twisted grin. Indeed, that expression did not fit on his easy going Second Lieutenant's face at all. He suddenly recalled something very curious that he'd put out of his mind when the Crimson Alchemist started messing with his reputation. Now, it danced in front of him, teasing the edges of his mind. He kept his head bent but looked up to follow the exchange.

Ed threw Havoc a dark look. "Not interested in that set of legs," he muttered.

Roy detected the growling undertone in the boy's voice that didn't quite sound right and flicked a glance between the two. Even Breda was stretching his ear as far as he could without actually turning his head. Falman and Fuery were, as usual, oblivious to everything except the forms in front of them.

The two were glaring at one another, like a couple of dogs fighting over the same tree. Such blatant hostility from Fullmetal was usually dedicated to Roy alone, but now it seemed that he'd picked another victim toward which to vent his spleen.

"She's splendid," Havoc said, pivoting and leaning forward. "And did you hear her voice? Like a symphony."

Celia giggled, overhearing the compliment.

"Glad you think so," Ed spat.

"Don't you think she's stunning, Boss?"

Ed said through clenched teeth. "Not particularly."

"You haven't even taken a good look."

Roy began looking from one to the other, feeling like he'd just come in during the middle of a radio drama. The color was growing high on Edward's cheeks, and Havoc looked utterly, relentlessly gleeful.

"I said I've got better things to do!"

Havoc crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against Roy's desk. "You sure are in a foul mood, Boss."

"My mood bothering you?" Edward stood, taking one step toward the other blond.

"It might be." Havoc bent down, bringing his eyes on a level with Ed's. Roy hoped he didn't get a crick in his neck for his efforts.

"Too. Bad."

Now, they were practically nose to nose, giving up on the tree and heading straight for the juicy bone. Roy was utterly perplexed; what the hell was wrong with them?

"Really, Boss?" Havoc asked.

"Really," Fullmetal answered.

"You know, maybe you should take a good look," Havoc growled, "Might help you get that stick out of your-,"

Roy cleared his throat, wondering what would happen if he broke their train of thought.

It was then they remembered their audience. Looking slowly around the room, Ed and Havoc gave each other one last, wary look and withdrew to the opposite corners of their imaginary ring. Roy actually thought he heard a bell ringing the end of the round. Apparently, they'd reach an accord on one thing:

That this cockfight could not take place right under the nose of their Colonel. Especially when their Colonel was bored and looking for a reason to be entertained.

"Would either of you care to tell me what that antler-slamming was all about?" Roy asked, thoroughly amused. He'd never seen Havoc act quite that way before, especially toward Fullmetal. Usually, he was pleasant and friendly, and only interacted the young Alchemist when he had to. And, although he had seen Edward in full seethe, he hadn't seen it done with quite so much...maturity. His voice was even pitched deeper if that was possible. Roy did a quick mental calculation and decided that sixteen was going to be an exciting age for Edward Elric and that he for one was going to be paying very close attention.

"I'm just tired, Colonel," Ed offered after a moment of two of silence. "Been sitting on a train all day, and I do have more research to on this before I can go to bed."

Roy turned slowly back to the young man, tucking the surly look on Havoc's face away for future reference. "About that. It says here that Scar alluded to information on the Philosopher's Stone. Are you sure he's not just yanking your leash?"

"I don't doubt my sources if that's what you're asking. I gave him no reason to mention it. I intend to go down there and ask a few questions of my own."

"That could be dangerous, Fullmetal," Roy said. "Perhaps I should send an escort with you again-,"

"No, thanks," the young man protested quickly. "Despite popular opinion these days, I'm not a baby; I can handle myself."

Havoc snorted and moved back to the communal table.

Roy was determined to find out why these two were at odds by the end of the day. "Fine," he said slowly, "Just, let me know the next time you decide to wander off. People do expect me to know where all of my subordinates are these days."

"Well, I'm wandering off to the library now. That okay with you?"

Roy sighed. He really wasn't in the mood for the Elric type of surliness. "Knock yourself out."

Ed, stood, straightened his overcoat and stalked out, ignoring everyone else in the room.

As the door banged shut, Roy looked over at Havoc, who was nose deep in a file. "Don't think I'm not going to ask what that was all about."

Jean kept reading for a minute, then looked up as if he'd just heard. "Sir?" he asked with all of the fake innocence of a two-year-old with his hand in a jar of cookies.

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose and shoved the report to the other side of his desk. The secretary immediately made her way over to him and scooped it up. He looked up just in time to see her flashing a bright smile and sauntering back to her own desk. He briefly watched the sway of her hips beneath the tiny skirt and noticed that she didn't quite have the right stride, that purposeful walk that usually attracted him.

"Three days," he muttered.

"Sir?" It was Fuery. The others were lined up with him. "We're going to the mess. That okay?"

Roy looked over at the clock and waved them out without comment.

The room was quiet then, except for the girl, who kept on giving him the most annoyingly sly glances he'd ever encountered. Had he actually been attracted to such nonsense mere months ago? He smiled once, just to keep her happily chirping to herself, then went back to work. Three days from now and all would return to normal, he promised his cramping fingers as he signed and signed and signed.

The phone rang, the most beautiful sound his ears had ever heard.

"I hope you aren't shirking your duties just because I'm not there, sir."

He smiled and leaned back in his chair. He flung a pencil upward. It stuck into the ceiling effortlessly. "Of course not, Lieutenant. Did you know that the ceiling has two hundred and–,"

"Forty-two tiles. Yes, I know." He loved the smile in her voice. "And you're getting that pencil down yourself this time. How are things over there? Certainly less boring than here, to be sure."

"I wish it were boring. I've had to survive a report from Edward, and then I had to keep Edward from almost tearing into Havoc's throat."

"What? Havoc? Why?"

"Or was it Havoc from Edward's throat? They were...fighting. Yes, that's what most people would call it. I'd call it acting like they belonged in a menagerie."

There was silence on the other side and then a soft sigh. "Colonel. I leave for one day and the place falls apart around your ears."

"Hey! I am perfectly capable of–,"

She laughed again. It was refreshing, to hear the voice of the Riza he knew outside of work while hip deep in the military bureaucracy. It also made him wish she were here...where he could watch her admonish him in person. Perhaps with the usual checking of the chamber of her gun. Visions of inappropriate office behavior danced before his eyes, leaving him in a misty glaze.

"So, Colonel, what's her name?"

He blinked back to consciousness. "What? Who's name?"

"The secretary. What's her name?"

He thought about the fact that she knew there was a secretary there. "You had her sent over, didn't you?"

"Of course. I don't want to have to clean up your mess after such a lovely five days off. What's her name?"

"Something that begins with a ... C ... I think."

Again that thoughtful silence, and again that rich, contralto chuckle. "Is our line clear?" she asked quietly.

He'd been listening, and had heard the telltale click that let him know that the monitors had gone off to something more interesting than an adjutant admonishing her lazy superior. "By now, yes."

"I miss you," she said, and before he could respond to that, she hung up.

He stared at the phone for what seemed like forever, "Affirmative, Lieutenant. That is a mutual opinion." He hung up, wondering what he could do about the suddenly tight feeling he had around the lower half of his body. Maybe if he stretched his legs a bit, all would be right with the world.

He told the secretary to take his messages and left, turning toward the library. Perhaps, by the time he made it there, he would have walked off the effects of Riza-deprivation.