The phone rang, and the harsh sound made Reno jerk awake, gasping from a dream he could barely remember. He knew he'd been dreaming of Rude, and if the throbbing in between his legs was any indication, it had been a fairly racy fantasy. Reno groaned, yesterday's clothes sticking to his sweaty body as he fumbled in his pocket and pressed his phone to his ear.
"Reno," he croaked.
"It's Tseng."
"Fuck, Tseng, do you know what time it is?"
"It's eight in the morning, Reno. And I'd be careful how you address me, since I was calling to tell you not to come in today."
Reno straightened a little. "Uh, y'know, boss, have I mentioned how nice your, uh…" Before he could think of something of Tseng's to compliment, the director snorted.
"Don't bother with your fake flattery," he said, actually sounding amused. "Since you and Rude have the night shift with Rufus, take today off and get as much sleep as you can. I want you both alert for guard duty."
"Got it," Reno said, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. "You gonna call Rude or should I?"
"You tell him," Tseng said, a little evilly.
"Fine," Reno snapped, irritated that he'd even asked. He ended the call and lay back on the bed, one arm over his eyes, breathing in the acrid smell of alcohol. Drinking in bed, Reno thought. That's a new low. Surprisingly, he didn't have to vomit, though he still felt out of sorts. With a sigh, Reno dialed Rude.
"Rude."
"It's me. Tseng says to take the day off and get some sleep before tonight." Reno was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, even though it sounded somewhat dead.
"All right. Thanks," came Rude's rumbling voice. Then, "Are you all right?"
Reno clenched his jaw a little. "Now you care?" he asked mildly.
Rude was quiet, his breathing deep and steady through the phone.
Reno bared his teeth in frustration. "I'm fine," he snapped petulantly.
Rude let out a sigh, and Reno went silent, ashamed. "I've always cared," his partner said, his deep voice quiet.
"I'll see you tonight." Reno hung up and threw his phone at the wall, rolling over on his rumpled bed to hug a pillow to his chest. He wasn't as hot and sweaty as he'd been when he woke up, but Rude's rumbling voice had reawakened the throbbing between his legs, and he was steadfastly trying to ignore it. It was unlike him to ignore need for something sexual, particularly when he was alone in his bedroom, but being on the outs with Rude wasn't very sexy to Reno, even if his body was telling him otherwise. He felt a desperate need to drink until he fell asleep, but he knew Tseng and Rude would both tear him a new one if he showed up to guard Rufus drunk or hungover. Reno groaned, rolling over again and cuddling up to his pillow, shutting his eyes and trying to sleep.
Evening fell, and Rude found himself standing outside Reno's apartment door, wondering if he should knock. He never had before—he and Reno were normally close enough that they just walked into each other's living spaces, but now Rude had no idea where they stood with each other. He was still debating when Reno opened the door, starting a little when he caught sight of Rude, poised with one fist in the air.
"Oh. Uh, hey. You ready?" Reno asked, shrugging into his blazer. He looked more rumpled than usual, but thankfully sober.
Rude nodded, checking his watch. "We've got thirty minutes to get to Rufus's, and that counts doubling back to make sure we're not followed. We should leave."
They took Rude's car, taking side streets with Reno keeping a sharp eye out for any tails. Normally Rufus lived in a penthouse apartment in the city not far from headquarters, but Tseng had had him moved to a safe house on the outskirts that could be more easily guarded.
The house was well-lit, and Reno knocked lightly at the back door. It opened, and he found himself staring down the barrel of Tseng's gun.
"Very nice," Reno said dryly, and Tseng lowered his weapon, beckoning them inside.
"You know what to do?" the director asked, holstering his handgun. Tseng looked tired, the skin under his eyes a bruised, purplish color. Elena entered the room, looking slightly better than their boss, but not by much. The ex-SOLDIER threat was taking a toll on them all.
"We got it," Reno said, flicking back his ponytail. "Go get some rest, boss man." He smirked at Elena. "You too, shrimp."
"Bite me, Reno," Elena muttered. "And I'll take your advice if you take mine." She smirked back, and Reno frowned, looking away.
Tseng and Elena left, leaving Reno and Rude alone. They checked in with Rufus, who was in the upstairs study working, looking even more tired than Tseng had. Must be exhausting having people trying to kill ya, Reno thought.
Rude was checking the windows and doors, his pistol in one hand. "What advice did Elena give you?" he asked finally.
From the couch, Reno looked up. "Huh? Oh…nothing. She's just being Elena. Irritating as usual." His face was closed off, and Rude could tell there was more to it, but he didn't press the matter. Rude finished checking the exits and sat on the couch with Reno, leaving a generous amount of space between them.
Silence stretched, the hours creeping by slowly. Every fifteen minutes or so one of them made a round of the house, checking to make sure Rufus was safe and that they were still alone. Reno was jittery, his fingers tapping on his knees, his eyes darting back and forth. Rude could see a sheen of sweat on his fair skin, and realized with a little jolt that Reno was uncharacteristically nervous.
It was nearly midnight before Reno spoke. He'd just gotten back from a quick look around and had settled back on the couch, still looking edgy. "Are we ever going to talk about this?" he asked in a low voice, not looking at Rude.
The bald Turk was quiet for a very long time, but Reno gritted his teeth and tried to be patient. "Now isn't the time," Rude said finally.
"I ain't spending eight more hours in fucking silence just because you've got your panties in a bunch, partner," Reno snapped.
Rude stiffened. He got to his feet and went to one of the windows, just so he wouldn't have to sit on the couch next to Reno anymore.
"When will you stop being such an asshole, Rude?" Reno almost shouted. "You can't just ignore everything that's wrong and hope it gets better." He was on his feet now too, body tense.
Rude still didn't say anything. His back was to Reno, quivering slightly. "I'm not doing this now," he said at last.
"Fuck you, we're going to do it now!" Reno snapped. He swayed a little, feeling suddenly nauseous, and put a hand to his head. "Gods, I need a fucking drink," he muttered. "You're impossible to talk to unless I'm half gone anyways." That was a lie, but Reno was angry enough that he was saying anything he could to get a rise out of his partner.
Rude finally turned to him, his jawline sharp and tensed. "If you need to be drunk to talk about things, then we have nothing to say, Reno."
Reno stepped forward, jabbing a finger into Rude's chest. "You are such a fucking coward, you know that? Everyone looks at you, big bad Rude, and says, 'oh he's so strong. He's so brave.' But you're not, are you? When it actually matters, you're a fucking coward!"
Had he been prepared, Reno would probably have been able to dodge. As it was, he barely managed to move an inch before Rude's fist connected solidly with his face, bloodying his nose and splitting his lip. Reno gasped in surprise, staggering back a little and looking up at Rude in shock. He'd wanted a rise out of Rude, but he'd never known his partner to ever react violently when there was another option, and the punch had thrown him for a loop. Rude's face was tight with anger, even from behind his shades it was obvious. Reno recovered and bared his teeth, blood staining the whiteness of them as he launched himself at Rude, tackling him around the middle.
Most Turks were trained in martial arts of some kind, beautiful movements designed for maximum damage. They were taught not to let feelings intervene, because feelings made you sloppy. 'Sloppy' could describe how Reno and Rude fought now, all training forgotten as they rolled together on the ground, punching, kicking, and biting, fueled by rage.
Reno had just headbutted Rude hard in the face, making him grunt and flip Reno over his head to land hard on the carpeted ground, when they heard someone clear their throat. Both of them froze, remembering where they were and what they were supposed to be doing.
Rufus was standing in the doorway, clad in silk pajamas and looking halfway between angry and amused. "I thought we were being attacked," he said as they got to their feet.
"Nah," Reno said, blotting his bleeding lip with a sleeve. "Uh, sorry, sir." He had the grace to look guilty.
"I would've expected this from Reno, but not from you, Rude," Rufus said quietly, exuding authority for all of his youthful appearance.
Rude shifted uncomfortably. His sunglasses were broken and lying on the ground somewhere, and a black eye was forming on the right side of his face. "My apologies," he muttered. "I forgot myself."
"If we are not being invaded, may I return to bed?" Rufus inquired icily, and they nodded, shamefaced. Rufus turned to leave, muttering about docking their pay.
Reno looked around the room, surveying the damage. No furniture was broken but the contents of their pockets had spilled across the carpet. He picked out his own keys and wallet and stuffed them back in his pants, handing over Rude's.
The rest of the night passed in uncomfortable silence, but with no other altercations. Reno was itching to talk again, but he kept his mouth shut until they had been relieved by Cissnei and another Turk and were en route to their apartment complex. And then, Reno realized, he didn't know what to say, which was extremely rare for him. They parted ways with muttered goodbyes and Reno unlocked his apartment door, raking a hand through his hair. He was dog tired and his face hurt, but he was also starving, so he pulled out his wallet and phone.
One glance inside the black leather wallet and he knew with a sinking feeling that he'd accidently picked up Rude's wallet instead of his own. For one thing, the bills were arranged neatly, from lowest amount to highest, and for another, there was a photo inside. His brow furrowed, and with a sense that he was being incredibly nosy, Reno unfolded the creased photo.
It was a picture of a girl, a pretty girl with auburn hair and a wide smile. Her skin was too light and her features too delicate to be related to Rude, so Reno surmised she wasn't his mother or sister. An old lover? he wondered briefly, before the rest of the picture registered with him. The girl was holding a child, a small boy of about two or three, with thick black hair and rich brown skin only a little lighter than Rude's.
Reno's eyes widened, his heart pounding in shock. He knew next to nothing about Rude's past, or the pasts of any of the Turks. Joining up with the Turks was a new slate—past sins and past lives washed clean. But there was no mistaking it—this had to be Rude's child, or at the very least somehow related to him. Rude, a father? Reno thought, barely able to entertain the idea. He knew better than others that Rude had depth, had feelings, but he had never imagined his quiet partner as part of anything other than…well, himself. And what's more, Rude had never spoken of having a family, even when he was wasted out of his mind, which was how Reno found out most of what he knew of his stoic friend.
The shock finally starting to wear off, Reno tucked the photo back in Rude's wallet and left his apartment, walking up the flights of stairs to the other Turk's apartment in a daze. He paused outside of Rude's door and finally knocked, not wanting to push his luck by just bursting in when they were on such bad terms.
Rude opened the door, lowering his handgun when he saw who it was. He hesitated, as though debating whether or not to let Reno in, and finally stepped aside. They stood in his living room, bathed in early morning light as Reno fidgeted, trying to think of what to say. Finally he handed the wallet to Rude.
"I took yours by mistake."
Rude opened it, checking to make sure the photo was still there. It was in a different place than usual, and his stomach sank a little, knowing what it meant.
Reno stepped closer, on edge, remembering how Rude had hit him the last time he'd opened his mouth without thinking. "Rude," he started, then fell silent. This was new territory, and he had no idea how to proceed.
"I guess we all have secrets we don't want to share," Rude said at last, echoing what Reno had said so many weeks before. He hadn't replaced his broken sunglasses yet and his dark eyes were expressive and sad. He sank down onto his couch and set the wallet on the arm, smoothing a hand over his bald head with a sigh.
"Is she—are they the reason you pushed me away?" Reno asked finally, still standing. For all his boasting about wanting to talk earlier, he was feeling rather awkward.
Rude still wouldn't look at him. "They're dead," he said.
"That ain't what I asked," Reno said quietly.
"You want to know why I won't fuck you?" Rude asked, his voice harsh. "What relationship have you ever had that lasted longer than three days?"
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Reno shot back, feeling defensive.
"There are so many reasons why, Reno," Rude said, keeping his voice calm and controlled. Or attempting to. "One, you're my partner. I work with you, and it's unprofessional. Two, you're looking for a quick fuck, and I'm not into that. Three…" He trailed off, looking almost embarrassed, as though he'd said too much.
"Ten years," Reno cut in, shoving his hands in his pockets to stop them shaking. He could do nothing for his trembling voice, however. "You've known me ten years. We've been friends for ten years. You really think I'd throw all that away for a quick fuck? When the hell did you get senile, Rude?"
"What am I supposed to think, Reno?" Rude snapped, finally locking eyes with him.
"You're supposed to trust me!" Reno shouted. "I don't—I can't even—" His collar suddenly felt too constricting, even though his shirt was in its usual half-buttoned state.
Rude heard his breath turn raspy and knew Reno was on the verge of another panic attack. His anger forgotten, Rude got to his feet quickly, pulling off Reno's blazer and throwing it aside before unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders. "Breathe, Reno," he said, feeling like a broken record.
"I'm fine," Reno said weakly, but he let Rude guide him to sit on the couch. "Gods!" he cursed, covering his face with his hands. "I don't do this on purpose," he said defensively, muffled by his hands. "I don't do it to make you feel sorry for me."
"I know," Rude said. Reno was crass and cruel at times, but he didn't manipulate the people he cared about. "It's okay. Just focus on breathing."
"I'm really okay," the redhead rasped, still hiding his face. "I just—I wouldn't do anything to fuck up our friendship, Rude. You know I wouldn't." He wiped sweat from his brow. "You're the last damn person who cares about me."
Rude didn't deny it. Their coworkers were fond of Reno, but none shared the bond the two of them had. Reno gave a hollow laugh.
"Well, cared about me anyway. I've been a right bastard about this whole thing."
Rude relaxed against the couch. "You're not the only one." Then, quieter, "And I do still care about you."
They sat in silence for a bit, but a comfortable silence, unlike the ones that had occurred before. Amazingly, Rude was the first to speak.
"Before I joined the Turks," he began, "I met a girl. Tessa. I got her pregnant when we were eighteen, and married her soon after." Rude paused, unused to so much speaking. "I wasn't old enough or smart enough to be a husband or father, but I tried. I'd left school early to work, but we never had enough, so I kept borrowing money. I…"
Reno frowned a little, thinking he knew where the story was going. "Ya borrowed from the wrong people?" he suggested.
Rude sighed. "Yeah. A few years later, when my son was only two, the people I owed broke into our house at night. They tied me up, killed my son, and raped and killed my wife."
Reno's jaw clenched a little at the matter-of-fact way Rude was speaking. He'd known the big man long enough to know that Rude was feeling anything but matter-of-fact, no matter how casual he sounded. It was the tightness in his clenched hands, the barely-there quiver that edged his words. "Why are you telling me this?" Reno asked. "You know I'd never ask—I mean, I get having shit ya don't wanna tell people."
"I don't know," Rude said, smoothing a hand over his head. "I just…I never had anyone as important to me as Tess and my son. Before you, I mean." He was glad his dark skin hid the blush he could feel burning its way up his chest into his face. His heart was hammering, waiting for Reno to laugh at him and call him a sentimental woman.
Reno's long fingers landed on Rude's temple and the big man stiffened at the touch. Before he could pull away, Reno was in his face, looking into his dark eyes with a curious expression on his face. Then he was kissing him, a surprisingly tender kiss, just a soft press of lips on lips.
The redhead slid a hand around Rude's neck, gently holding on as he started to become lightheaded from the feeling of Rude's mouth on his. His split lip stung, but the pain was muted, as though it was far away, his gut twisting in desire so strong he felt physically ill.
Rude pulled away, much as he had the last time Reno had kissed him. Reno swore viciously. "Are you fucking kidding me, Rude?"
Rude glared at him. "Were you listening to anything I said?"
"Yes! And fuck all, Rude, I'm shit at talking when it comes to feelings, so I was trying to do it without words!" Reno snapped. "I thought you just said I mean as much to you as your wife did. Excuse the fuck outta me for interpreting it wrong." A red flush had colored his pale cheeks.
"That's not it," Rude murmured, still looking away.
Reno settled back, his eyes sharp, and Rude could feel them boring into him even though he couldn't see, and knew Reno was reading him.
"You feel guilty," the redhead said softly. "You feel so guilty that you couldn't protect your family that it's eating you up, even this many years later."
Rude clenched his jaw harder. "I should have been able to stop them. I shouldn't have let it go that far in the first place. I killed them afterwards, but I should have prevented it."
"Maybe so, partner, but that doesn't do you a whole lotta good now, does it?" Reno retorted. "We all make mistakes. We all get people killed." His voice was shaking a little now, and Rude knew he was thinking of the plate.
"It's different."
"Bullshit, Rude. You're using this as an excuse not to get close to anyone because you can't bear the thought of failing people again. Well, fuck you, because I can take care of myself. We all risk dying every day in this line of work, and yet you can't let down a single wall to have the semblance of a normal relationship."
Rude opened his mouth to say something, but Reno cut him off.
"Shut up and let me talk," he snapped. "You think depriving yourself of affection and contact is going to make you atone for letting your family die?" Reno snarled, eyes burning like sapphires. "Let me tell you a thing or two about atonement, partner, because you seem to never take your own advice to heart." The redhead straddled Rude's lap and grabbed his face in one hand, forcing him to look at him. "You will never be able to change what you did!" he yelled, so loudly that his voice cracked. "They're gone, and you're so wrapped up in what you should have done that you won't see what's right in front of you. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't make you any better. It makes you a dick." He paused, breathing hard, his bare chest heaving and his aqua eyes growing suspiciously damp.
"Reno," Rude started, reaching up towards his partner's quivering cheek.
"Fuck," Reno muttered, rubbing at his eyes. He started to turn away, but Rude's hands on his upper arms held him still. After a moment, the redhead leaned in, his breath coming in heavy gasps as he kissed Rude hungrily, hands coming around to the back of his partner's head to hold him. "Kiss me back," he almost begged. "Fuck you, Rude, kiss me back, dammit. Let yourself have something for once." Reno could feel Rude shaking, but he wasn't pulling away, and after a minute his lips started moving, kissing back, sliding along Reno's in a sensual dance. Reno was still gasping, his breath stolen by the kiss, and there was wetness on his face, even though he couldn't remember crying. One upward glance saw slick trails on Rude's cheeks as well, and he reached up to wipe them away, comforting in the only way he knew how.
Rude loosened his grip around Reno's biceps and moved his arms to his waist instead, closing tight and pulling the redhead against him, feeling the battle-hardened skin of his back and sides. Reno's tongue was stroking against his lips now, and he opened his mouth to taste him, his body remembering what to do even after so many years that he'd thought he'd forgotten. Reno's hands popped a few of his buttons and slid into the opening, stroking against Rude's chest muscles, pausing briefly to toy with the rings in his nipples. Rude groaned at the feeling, his hips thrusting up a little at their own accord, making Reno gasp. He could feel the smaller man's erection pressing against his own, and the feeling made him dizzy.
Reno pulled back to catch his breath, leaning his forehead against Rude's. Rude kept stroking the skin of his back, his touch surprisingly gentle as his large fingers feathered along Reno's spine, and Reno relaxed further into him, head moving to nestle between Rude's neck and shoulder. He kissed the skin there, nibbling slightly as Rude shivered. He sniffed back the tears that threatened to continue falling, and heard Rude echo the sound.
"You miss her," Reno said into his neck. "Both of them."
"More than anything," Rude murmured. His grip tightened, his hands moving over Reno's sharp shoulder blades.
"And I'm her replacement?"
The hands paused, and Reno heard Rude give a chuckle. "She was much sweeter than you. I don't think you could replace her if you tried."
Reno grinned, satisfied. "Sweet ain't a word ever applied to me, that's for sure." He pulled back so he could look at Rude's face. "So ya wanna fuck?"
Rude snorted softly. "Not today. I'm still dead tired from last night."
Reno leaned back, stretching, and Rude was momentarily distracted by the shifting muscles under his white skin. "Yeah, who knew standing guard was so damn tiring?" he yawned, then gave an evil grin. "I'll give you a ride to remember when I'm less knackered." He laughed sharply, feeling Rude's groin stir. "I felt that, partner. You sure you're not ready to rumble?"
"Another time," Rude muttered, looking away.
Reno got to his feet, heading for Rude's bedroom and shedding his pants along the way so he was clad only in his navy boxers. "Mind if I crash with ya, at least?" he called over his shoulder, and Rude heard him flopping onto the bed. "Your bed's way comfier. Damn, Rude."
Rude sighed and followed him into the bedroom, shrugging off his blazer and setting it on a chair. "Fine," he said, stripping down to his boxers as well and drawing the curtains against the sunlight. He didn't miss the heat in Reno's eyes as the redhead watched him undress, and he certainly didn't miss the swelling bulge in his underwear. "This is a shit idea," he commented, nodding towards Reno's crotch, but he lay down anyways, stretching his large frame out on the bed. Reno untied his ponytail and cuddled up to his side, his lithe form curling around him like a snake.
"I'm as tired as you are, big guy," the redhead murmured, nuzzling into Rude's chest. "I can't help it if my body has wanted you for so long that it gets overexcited."
They were silent for a while, Rude curving an arm around the other man and stroking up and down his ribcage. "How long?" he asked finally, and Reno stirred a little sleepily.
"Our first assignment together," the redhead said. "You told me to shut up and spot for you or the guy we were sniping would hear me, even from hundreds of yards away." A laugh rumbled in Rude's chest, and Reno smirked. "How about you?" he asked, one long-fingered hand teasing at his dark nipple and the silver ring that was thrust through it.
"I wanted you from the moment I saw you," Rude admitted in a low voice, wishing he had his shades to hide his expression. "I can't remember when I fell in love with you."
Suddenly wide awake, Reno sat up quickly, his aqua eyes wide. He almost looked scared. "I—wha—" And for once in his life, he was struck speechless. He'd suspected, of course, but hearing Rude say the actual words was far more different and moving than vague suggestion. Now he could see the slight fear in Rude's eyes, as though the dark man was waiting for him to either laugh at him or run away. Reno forced himself to relax and lay back down, hugging Rude around the chest tightly. "You already know how I feel," he managed to say.
Rude was about to reply that no, he didn't, until he thought hard about what they were doing. Reno was (so far) respecting his desire not to have sex right away and was still lying next to him. He had also explicitly said he wouldn't fuck up their relationship for casual sex. He was too proud to say the words, but he felt them. "I know," the bald man said softly. "You don't have to say it."
A hand curled over his heart in gratitude, and Reno pressed a kiss to his jaw. Curled together, the two men drifted off to sleep, some secrets yet untold hanging between them and others laid bare, bleeding like an opened heart.