Rise, fall. Rise, fall. Rise, fall.
"Piper, why are you crying? Sweetheart stop." A handkerchief was retrieved with flourish from her mother's cream leather clutch and thrust towards her, accompanied by a symphony of irritated tutting. "Look, you're going to spoil your beautiful new outfit. Grandma doesn't want to see you sad darling, you must control yourself. This is not an occasion for you to be selfish."
At ten years old, Piper was taught that expressions of her own emotion were to be suppressed, particularly if they were to be inconvenient to other people. Knowing this, while standing with her shiny, patent leather shoes in the grass next to her beloved grandfather's open grave, caused Piper to feel what she later came to think of as her first heartbreak.
'That's right sweetheart, lie down, make yourself comfortable." Piper wriggled her small body into the space her Grandfather had made for her between the heavy duvet and the cool cotton sheets. Spreading her arms and stretching out her legs to the point of her toes, she allowed herself to fall into the bed's soft embrace. Her grandfather perched on the side of the mattress, his kind, weathered face smiling back at her. He wasn't an outstandingly handsome man, or extraordinarily successful one, but he was honest and generous and full of adoration for his only granddaughter, the girl who'd proven to be more like him than any of his own offspring. He had the type of face that was proudly decorated with a lifetime of emotion; each crinkle around his big blue eyes marked the repeated delight of his happiness, the occasional heaviness of his tears; the many fine lines around his wise mouth were shadowed with the weight of his every spoken word, whether angry, sad or pleased; upon his forehead his most painful inner turmoil was exposed, the tanned skin etched with deep creases of concern. Looking at this face, Piper felt safe. In her grandfather's eyes, young Piper could almost see the journey she would go on herself as she grew, and what's more, she felt like whatever direction she took, that would be ok.
"Thank you for a wonderful day today honey." A large, strong hand reached forwards and lovingly smoothed her wild hair behind her ear, carefully handling each strand as if were pure spun gold. In response, her quick eager fingers propelled one of her tiny hands upwards to meet the elder's loving grip.
"I love you grandpa." Piper whispered as she laced their fingers together, her genuine but childish voice cutting through the comfortable stillness that lingered between them.
"I love you too baby." He leant forward now, one hand laid gently on her swaddled torso, the other on the pillow next to her head, free of her delicate fingers which had since curled like petals into the bud of her fist. "Piper?" her grandfather's gaze swept her face, a curl of affection pulling at his lips.
"Yes grandpa?" she whispered again, stifling a yawn.
"You're perfect, baby girl." Soft fingers caressed her forehead, as one lingering thumb gently stoked her cheek. Reassured by the protection of her grandfather's touch, Piper's milky eyelids fluttered, her long black lashes flickering like butterflies' wings against the powerful pull of sleep.
"Promise me you'll never change." He paused, savouring the sight of Piper's innocent expression as her eyes finally closed. Like a blank canvas, her satiny, unblemished skin invited him to imagine the future that would one day be so intricately painted on her face. "Don't you ever change Piper. Be true to yourself. You are who you are, and that's ok. Believe me, that's more than ok."
As Piper let go of consciousness and drifted into sleep, she felt the final blessing of her grandfather's lips, pressed meaningfully on to the top of her head.
Rise.
As Piper watched the glinting metal bar travel higher into the air above her head, she became aware of the startling contrast of the cool of the concrete floor against her cheek and the heat of Alex's anguished stare as it bore into the glassy blue of her own eyes. Her body, heavy with the ache of her previous injuries, lay somewhere beneath her, far away, detached. Against her own control, she found herself focusing on the rise and fall of her own wheezing lungs, intermittently punctuated by the deep thud of her fractured heart.
Fall.
Moments of complete powerlessness sometimes appear to be played out in slow motion. Time slows down as a reminder that you have no control or choice to speed it up. Eventually, the metal began to lose height. Sounds became muffled and Piper's vision began to distort as the inches fell away.
Fall. Fall. Fall.
Somewhere close to her, Alex was screaming. Piper knew. Not because she could hear it (the colour of her girlfriend's words had faded seconds ago) but because she could feel their frightened tension in the air. At this point, with some of her major organs in crisis and most of her nerve endings exhausted to the point of shutting down, Piper had the strange sensation of almost being able to taste Alex's love as she sucked oxygen through her parched, bleeding mouth. It tasted like home.
Fall. Fall. Fall.
Moving closer to her face, the metal bar seemed to whisper her name. Piper closed her eyes, tensed her muscles, clenched her jaw. Momentarily soothed by the darkness of her own eyelids, she was shocked to find she could still hear the closeness of the object as it hovered, fractions away from her face. She could feel its presence even before the metal made contact. In the instant before she lost consciousness, Piper recalled a similar feeling.
Fall.
She was five years old, grazed knees, limited experience, big ideas. Her body was tired; her heart was happy; her mind was at ease. Beneath her cheek, a pillow. On her chest, the reassuring weight of her grandfather's hand. Even then with her eyes closed, she could feel the imminent weight of her grandfather's lips, which he would soon press against her forehead. A mark of his enduring love, a sign of his acceptance, a well-remembered kiss.
Fall.
And as Piper finally felt the sharp pain of the metal coming to rest, she could swear she felt those lips again.
She let herself fall.