Chapter 7

Eclipse

Sara stepped quickly out of the shower, draping a soft, white towel around herself as she dripped water onto the cold tiles. She wrapped a finger absently around a strand of hair, already coiling into a characteristic spring, trying to ignore her conscience's persistent attempts to have her confront the last few weeks that she had been comfortably pretending had not existed until a few days ago.

He had said he would come over later, if that was alright with her, which of course it had been. After the state she had been in over the last few days however, it had forced her to panic a little and have an emergency shower and change to at least to pretend to make herself somewhat presentable.

He needed to talk. She found it ironic that after all her time on this job, all of the guilty cheats; the furious cheated; the angry drunks; the twisted rapists; the deranged serial killers and the psychotic sociopaths with all of the vile, horrifying things they had said over the years, that the thing that terrified her above all others were Gil Grissom's words, "We need to talk."

She was in trouble if he wanted to talk but when needing to talk had her down on her knees praying to a God she did not believe in...

Whatever happened, whatever they talked about, everything was going to change. One way or the other. Something not altogether reassuring to Sara who, despite her best stubborn efforts, had adopted the principle she had been raised with 'put up and shut up' and was reluctant to accept anything being majorly altered in her life however much she was told that it 'was good for her'...

She glanced around the room as she nervously sat down in the middle of it. She loved this room; loved this house and she did not want to leave.

Her eyes fell on the various aspect of the room that defined it. It was easy to pick out which items belonged to him, the crystal cubes with butterflies inside, and which items belonged to her, the little animal figurines she had picked up on her travels and yet the effect of their different tastes blended seamlessly to create their room.

Their room. Their house. Their home. Their life. Everything was theirs; so much so that she could not imagine anything being just hers anymore.

Stop it. Yes you can, you have to. You did when your father beat you; when your mother killed him; when you couldn't trust anyone or anything; you did when you left everything you knew to come to Vegas for the man you loved after a two hour lecture; when the man you loved and who obviously loved you back rejected you; after the DUI; you did when he noticed you and wanted to be with you; you did when you fell apart, burnt-out and ran; when he ran after you, married you made you happier than you ever prayed possible; you did when he took it all away; you'll do it now...

Sara Sidle, fighter...No-one could deny that...

Whatever happened here, she would not just jump back into his bed and into his life, she could not. She could not just pretend that the last few months had not happened. They had and the damage they had done, the wounds that had not yet scarred but would reminded her of that.

The events with Wynard and Basderic had tipped her over the edge. She had been teetering on it for a long time, the long distance 'relationship' she had been attempting to have with her husband and had realistically been having with an automated machine whom she had spoken to more often, the bitterness that had been building inside her, the train wreck of her marriage abruptly leaving the tracks when he had suggested a separation, the realisation that something she had devoted more than thirteen years of her life working towards had gone, her world, in short, crumbling around her, had dragged her kicking and screaming to the edge but had not been enough to push her over. This had.

She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was too weak, too fragile to just hand herself unconditionally to him, to give him everything and have him do worse than throw it back in her face, to have him ignore it completely. She knew that she was not strong enough for that...

She jumped as there was a gentle tap at the door and she hurried to get it, opening it and standing aside, allowing him to pass into the area reception area of their home.

"Hi." She whispered

"Hi." He murmured in return.

He hesitated for a fraction of a second before pulling her into an unannounced hug, unable to maintain the distance between them while they were in the same damn room. She was a little taken aback and pulled him closer to her without thinking, savouring everything about him and suddenly feeling the need to collapse onto the floor and just have him hold her the way he used to. She pulled away from him suddenly, breaking the connection between them as shivers fluttered up her spine unpleasantly and her stomach turned.

As she led him into the living room she noticed for the first time that he had not come alone.

"Hello boy." She breathed delightedly, pulling the large dog into a hug. He had waited patiently for her to greet Grissom first but not could not contain his happiness at seeing her again. "Good call, dog bribery." She told him smiling, the atmosphere between them breaking.

He smiled as they entered the living room.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked, inadvertently reminding herself of the first time he had needed to talk and she had found herself breaking down and talking and crying uncontrollably in front of him. The only vulnerability she could remember showing to another human being. She had been unable to offer any reason as to why she had told him what she had other than they way they both felt about each other.

Hank diplomatically settled himself against the coffee table in the middle of the two opposing chairs they had picked, refusing to side with either of them, firmly declaring that he was on team marriage as opposed to team Grissom or team Sara.

She smiled as she noticed this and said, softly, "The dog's more intelligent than we are..."

"I've been saying that for a while now..." he said, pausing and playing his uncomfortably as he did so.

Her eyes were drawn to them watching them awkwardly writhing around in his lap but she quickly found herself forgetting about their discomfort as she realised that, like her, he was still wearing his wedding ring.

"Did you get my letter?" he asked, softly, for lack of anything else to say

For both of them having agreed to this for the purposes of talking they were both useless at actually getting down to it and saying anything.

"I did." She answered, without giving anything away but allowing their eyes to meet properly for the first time.

"I don't know what made me write it..." he confessed, slowly unsure of where this was going, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No. Thank you...It was beautiful..." she murmured, lowering her eyes but allowing the ghost of a smile to flicker across her lips.

"I meant it... I don't know why I couldn't say it to you, I don't know why I couldn't have said it months ago I..."

"Well that would have been too easy."

He laughed gently in agreement, "Yes, yes it would...Sara I know this isn't easy, I know that none of this has been easy for you, for either of us, and I know that none of it will be-"

"Stop." She said sharply, without quite knowing why she had said it herself, "I...I can't do this Gil...I mean, I mean I can't do this right now. I can't just jump straight from first gear to fifth with nothing in between and start living my life as though we've just been on pause for God knows how many months...I need...I need a little bit of time to work out what I want to do about this."

He smiled quietly at this...

"What?" she asked, a flash of annoyance colouring her words.

"You were right. When I finally figured out what to do about this...It was too late."

She too remembered her first, disastrous, attempt to ask him to dinner all those years ago, confused as she both smiled and flushed beetroot at the memory,

"It's not too late..." she whispered, "It's never too late..." she found herself adding without remembering giving herself permission to convert the stray thought into words.

He smiled, "I understand..."

That was all he said. That was all he needed to say, all he had ever and would ever need to say. He understood. He understood her. Understood why sometimes, even after all these years, she still woke up in a cold sweat under the blanket, screaming, and needed him to just hold her without asking why. Understood that she would never be able to trust another human being unconditionally but that she wanted to trust him. Understood why she stood outside in the pouring rain even though it terrified her after what had happened out in the desert with Natalie Davis, because she needed to remind herself that she was alive, that she had people who loved her, who needed her, who she had to keep living for. Understood that after everything they had been through, survived through, alone and together, that she still needed him as much as he needed her, understood that they could be OK...

"Would you be upset if I left for a few days?" he asked, suddenly

She laughed at this, she couldn't help herself. For all of his intelligence, the man had less emotional range and understanding than a vegetable

"I think that's the definition of 'giving it time'." She told him quietly, the smile of her last laugh still lingering on her lips.

"Oh good..." he murmured, absently, obviously miles away, "I'm going to go back to Peru." She stared at this, startled by the sudden turn the conversation had taken, seeing her confusion as she began to open her mouth to protest, he quickly, added, "To pick up my things, make arrangements to leave before I come back to Vegas."

"Gil..." she cautioned "I'm not saying that if you give me a couple of weeks I'll be weeping rainbows of joy as we skip through a sunlit meadow of flowers together...I said I need time to figure out what I want, not when I want this..."

"I know that...We need a change."

"Gil, I don't want to pull you to Vegas, away from something that you love to come here for 'us' and make it feel as though we're forcing each other to be together because you left everything for it so it has to work...If it's going to work, it will work, whether we do this at a hundred miles an hour or at thirty..."

"I know that. I'm not trying to rush into this Sara; I've been feeling this way for some time. I need a change. Peru hasn't been good for me in a while, I've become too wrapped up in little things, too obsessed over things I promised I wouldn't become involved in anymore. I don't want to be that anymore, I don't want to be there anymore. I miss Vegas and you're here, where else should I go." He said, carefully, before adding without thinking, "And you wouldn't be pulling me away from something that I loved but towards it..."

She stared at him, a smile spreading infectiously across her face at just being in the same room with him again and actually feeling that they were getting somewhere for the first time in months. And for the first time in months she felt happy.

He was always able to surprise her, usually just following her giving up on him and then he went and said something like this...It was the infamous 'beauty' incident all over again and she found herself falling in love with him again as she had done then.

She was struck by a sudden thought, something that had probably not hit him yet and felt uncomfortable but also at the same time determined to bring it up,

"Gil..." she began, carefully,

"Hmm?" he said, absently, jerking himself back to reality, clearly back in Peru trying to decide which bugs he should quickly frame and pack for coming back to Vegas.

"Where do you want to stay when you come back?" she asked in a small voice,

He opened his mouth to answer before realising he was not sure how to and finally he shrugged and said in an off-hand voice,

"I'll sweet talk Catherine into lending me The Eclipse..."

She laughed uncontrollably at this and when she was finally able to control herself again she said,

"I, I...You should stay here, I'll-"

"Don't be ridiculous, you're not leaving." He protested, misunderstanding,

"No, no, of course not...Can I ask you to give me a few days to sort some things out, mainly myself, and then we'll work it out so one of us can have the spare bedroom?"

"Yes dear, you can..."

A/N: Actually almost happy for me...Maybe...But since it's me you should all be warned that it's not over yet, next chapter we have Nick and Greg round for beer and Sara and DB at work.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, I'm very grateful!