It had been a whole week since that day. A week of not hearing, not speaking….not being. Alex simply forgot how to be herself, without the knowledge that Piper was safe and alive.
"You wanna go in front of me Vause?" Nicky gestured with her tray, slowing as they reached the top of the lunch line.
Alex shook her head and stayed still, waiting for her wild haired friend to pass her. "You know, you really should try and eat something." Nicky turned as she placed her tray in front of the serving hatch. "It's been…what… a week since I saw you put anything in your mouth." Raising an eyebrow, Nicky fought the urge to make her last statement one of her usual dirty innuendos. Humouring her in an attempt to appear at least semi-interested in her company, Alex shook her head slowly in mock disbelief, apparently sharing the same thought.
"No I'm serious Vause," Nicky took her tray back from the server and moved on "I'm worried about you." Alex followed, not waiting for anything solid but grabbing a carton of milk as she moved in line. Still, she failed to reply.
"But baby, you haven't actually said what it is you're doing for work. I can see you're doing well…you've only got one job for a start and it's not a Friendly's or Pay Less."
Alex smiled into the phone as she listened to her mother's playful, lilting voice. Chuckling, she replied, "Look mom, you don't need to know the details, it's just boring industry stuff and I can't really give much away. Just remember that I make good money and know that I'm fucking brilliant what I do. Ok?"
"You've always been fucking brilliant at everything you turn your hand to Alex. Your ability is not what I worry about. Something doesn't seem right here with the secrecy. I need you to look after yourself, ok? You know what I'm like, I spend hours stressing about you, even when you're probably in bars chasing hot girls…" Despite the chatter of the television in the background, Alex could hear the notes of concern in her mother's voice.
For her entire life, Alex had been one half of an inseparable mother daughter pair; growing up without a father, fighting poverty and a bad reputation, it tied them together, intensified their loyalty, made them strong. Diane loved Alex fiercely, with a rare kind of devotion that allowed her to accept her daughter for exactly who she was, even when she was completely unconventional or made hideous mistakes.
"You have to trust me mom…" Alex paced as they spoke, stretching her neck from side to side as she listened.
"Alex, I worry about you." Diane's tired whisper revealed some of the vulnerability that she so desperately tried to conceal. Living alone made her anxious, made her cling to Alex in a way she hadn't done before.
"You don't need to worry, I promise. I'm good…MORE than good. I have a great job…I met a girl…"
"You what?!" Diane exclaimed, sighing a little as the news sunk in. "I'm guessing you mean a girl that isn't Silvie, the woman that you live with, who you're supposed to be committed to."
Alex bit her lip, "No, it's not Silvie. Her name is Piper. She's blonde and cute and funny and smart. She reads a lot and she likes tequila. She's different to Sylvie. She's…special, somehow. Are you mad?"
Diane laughed again, "Alex, baby, it's not me you need to worry about here. That Silvie's got some serious control issues… "
Relieved, Alex chortled as she scoffed, "Mom, I've told you… I keep telling you, you don't have to worry about me."
"Earth to Vause?!" Nicky waved her plastic fork in front of Alex's face. "Do you even listen to a word I say anymore?"
Alex stared at her milk carton, avoiding eye contact.
"I mean, I know you're suffering. You went through some nasty shit. But you got friends here Vause, you know? People who want to help you. You don't have to go through this alone" Pausing momentarily, Nicky stared at her silent friend, before spearing a grey, unappetizing potato and bringing it reluctantly to her lips.
"You know, she might not even be dead."
Alex flinched, dropped her hands into her lap and winced as Nichols continued. "Just because we haven't heard anything, it doesn't mean that's it. Chapman's a fighter, she's not going to give up. Takes more than a phoney prison guard with a metal bar to keep a good girl down." As soon as Piper's surname was mentioned, something within Alex snapped. Struggling to control her anger, she rose from the table, taking the half full milk carton in her hand.
"You're leaving?" Nicky dropped her fork and ran one hand through her shaggy mane of hair. "Vause? What did I say?! Was it because I said her name?! What the hell is it?" Nichols rose now, leapt to her heavily booted feet and quickly rounded the table to confront her friend face to face. Alex ignored her, slowly stepping into the centre of the dinner hall, trying to avoid the watchful gaze of the guard on duty. She recognized this feeling; her body was moving but everything inside her felt numb. All she knew was that she had to escape. Good humoured or not, anybody who wasn't in the shed that day had a tendency to make her feel smothered, with their well meant intentions and their generic words of encouragement and positivity, they were suffocating. In crises, people tend to offer out their sympathy or advice like gifts, tokens of friendship or kindness that they actually find more comfort in donating than the receiver does in hearing them. In Alex's case, listening to them made her feel more alone, more isolated in her understanding of the truth of what really happened and what it actually meant.
"Vause I swear to god, you don't turn round, I'm going to seriously question our friendship. Whether Chapman's dead or not, you're still alive, and nobody can live like this." Nicky's cheeks were flushed with frustration, her arms spread wide in an exasperated show of confusion.
"What the fuck did you just say?" the broken shards of Alex's voice gathered in her throat as an angry growl. She stepped forward, gathering a fistful of Nicky's khaki overalls in her hand. "You do NOT get to talk about her like that. Ever." Inches from her friend's face, Alex finally broke through her frozen mask of grief with a frown of pure despair and revealed the extent of her suffering. Instead of fighting back, Nicky nodded slowly, scanning the brunette's beautiful face for signs of the tough, confident, sarcastic woman she used to know.
"You know, you've got bargaining rights here Vause. What happened, should never have happened. Use it. Go see Caputo. Tell him that you want to know what really happened, or else you're going to spread the word about his gross professional incompetence and the poor running of this federal unit."
Hearing these words, Alex slowly released Nicky from her maniacal grip and chewed her lip in consideration.
She was gone from the dinner hall in seconds.