KlaineForeverLover07: Thank you. I will never understand how anyone cannot like Jarley. They're so cute. Yeah I like Marley too. She's a great character.
Lilangel1: Thank you. I'm trying to get on with the story as soon as I can.
Precious- passenger: Thank you. But I think you misunderstood the joke a little. The joke wasn't that he brought roses for Rose's. The joke was that he mixed up the words with seeing how beautiful Marley was. I didn't do that either so much from the beginning but when I continued watching s4 when it came out on DVD I started liking them more and more. Yeah- I loved the idea about them dancing in the living room and I'm so glad I thought of it. Yep- how could I not put that? Jarley are so cute
Leoni123: Thank you. I'm doing my best to write so it gets cute- I love writing cute. And you've got the E down below and in the chapter's name.
Gleekforever12345: Thank you, I'm glad you are. I try updating as soon as I can and I am, I am.
IMPORTANT NOTE DOWN BELOW
Listen guys, I have since before made up my mind that in this chapter I will use the kind of language that needs to be used for this chapter. I'm not meaning that I'm going to be swearing or etc. I mean that there might be medical terms, and you might be disgusted but… this doesn't seem like the right time to sit here and censor everything, so if you don't like- don't read.
Some of the parts in this chapter- especially some of the memories are slightly based on parts of the song "don't take the girl" By Tim McGraw- if you listen to the song you will see which parts. Take a listen to the song- it's awesome.
Anna and her parents are syoc's I have sent in to LocalXmusicXjellybeanX's story it takes a team. But I've had to change Anna's age a bit to fit it in with the storylines here- but I came up with the storyline and then I just couldn't let it go.
E is for Elizabeth
"Sch, sch, sch." I comforted my Elizabeth. I sat on our bed, Elizabeth sat on my lap and I had my arms wrapped around her as she cried into my chest. We had been sitting like this since we came home from the hospital. We were both in chock, but Elizabeth had been crying since we came home while I just did my very best to comfort her while the thoughts were spinning in my head.
Cancer! Breast cancer! Elizabeth? I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. This stuff were things that happened to others. Not us. I sighed- well, that was what I used to think- until we went to the doctors to check what the lumps in Elizabeth's breast was- and we immediately were sent up to the oncologist. That was three weeks ago- and it had been almost five hours since we got the results and the final diagnosis- yet it still felt so unreal.
Elizabeth had kept strong from this morning, then through the meeting with the doctor, and on the way home. But in the hallway she just collapsed, thank God I was right behind her and could catch her before she hit something. For about five minutes I couldn't wake her up- I just sat there on the bed with her in my arms, stroke her hair and talked calmly to her.
Then she woke up, and just started crying, and after that she had been crying for almost four hours. She was still crying, but it was drifting off. As if there was no more tears for her to cry. Exhausted she leaned her head towards my shoulder and looked out the window- tears still shining in her eyes. I swore to myself that if there was one way for me to do this I would.
If I could be the one who had got something growing inside of me. Something evil and threatening- if I could take that so Elizabeth wouldn't have to I would. If I could be the one to know that I was going to go through surgery, chemo, nausea, pills, IV:s, needles and everything else there is that goes with cancer, while not even knowing if I would make it through alive or not- I would. If it meant that my Elizabeth wouldn't have to I would without a doubt.
"Mummy! Daddy!" The voice of my seven year old son woke me up from my thoughts as he came running into the room with my sister walking after him and looked to me. I could see that Debbie knew how it had gone at the hospital when she saw me and Elizabeth and while Kurt was running around showing a drawing he had done she came and sat down next to us.
"Kurt." Elizabeth stood up, to then sit down on the edge of the bed. "Can you come sit down please?" Kurt seemed to know that this wasn't the time to protest and came and sat down on his mother's lap. I had already moved to sit down next to Elizabeth and took Kurt's hand.
"I can come back another day." Debbie started pushing herself up and I quickly stood up to help her get up. Elizabeth and Kurt said goodbye to her for the day and then I walked with her downstairs. "I'm so sorry B." She said- I knew my sister and she probably didn't really know what else to say. "You just… just call if you need anything. It doesn't matter if it is in the middle of the night or any time. Just call okay?"
I hesitated- now was the end of December and Debbie and Michael's child- a boy we'd heard- was due to the middle of March- she'd have a lot to think about without me and Elizabeth calling her in every once in a while. I pulled Debbie's coat down from the hook in the hallway and held it out so she could pull it on.
"We'll call Andy or Elizabeth's sister Mildred in first hand." I said after a while. "Maybe mum too. If we can't reach any of them I'll call you okay?" Debbie nodded. "Thanks for today Deb, I know it was on a short notice but…" Debbie shushed, and then pulled me into her embrace- sometimes it would be easy to think she was the big sister with how she would protect me at times- in fact I was ten years older than her.
"Okay then. And don't even say it- I've had a great time and you know how Michael loves playing with Kurt. Bye B." She walked out the door, I made sure she got down the slippery driveway safely and then rushed inside and back to mine and Elizabeth's bedroom. I felt sick- if Elizabeth was important to me- it was nothing with how important she was to Kurt- so how were we going to explain to him his mum might not be okay again. I sat down and laid my arms around Elizabeth's shoulders and took one of Kurt's small hands in my bigger hand.
"Kurt" I began. "You know how we told you mummy was going to a doctor." Kurt nodded. "Do you remember that we said that the doctor had found some lumps that might be dangerous?" He nodded again. "I and mummy went to the hospital again today so the doctor could tell us if the lumps were dangerous." I swallowed. "And… he told us that the lumps were of the dangerous kind."
It went silent for several seconds. Then Kurt spoke up. "Will you be okay mummy?" It was the question we had been dreading but that we knew was coming. It would be very important of how we answered his question to not make it seem like there was nothing left to do for the doctors.
"The doctors will be doing their very best." I began at last. "Mummy will get meds, they will make her very sick and tired and will make her hair fall off. Mummy will have to go to the hospital every once in a while and the doctors might have to do an operation." Kurt nodded. "And I will have to go with mummy sometimes so either you will go to uncle Andy's or Auntie Mildred's or Auntie Debbie's. Or maybe Grandma's or they will come here to be with you so you won't have to be alone."
"But I want to come with you and take care of mummy." Kurt's lip was trembling and tears glittering in his eyes. I hesitated for a moment. How was I going to explain to Kurt that mummy might be so sick it would be better for everyone if he wasn't there?
"Kurtey." Elizabeth began. "I will get very sick. So sick there won't always be something you can do. And then I will need to rest so I can get better." She took a deep breath. "So then I think that the best thing you can do for me is to be somewhere else. And it's not because I don't love you- it's because I do love you and I don't want you to remember how sick I was." Kurt nodded and pulled his arms around Elizabeth's neck.
The doctors had decided to do chemo first. To see if they could shrink the tumors before they'd try surgery. New Year came and went and way too soon, only a few days into January, I and Elizabeth were walking through the hallways of the hospital to get to the oncologist. Kurt was at my brother Andy's over the night- yet it was yet only forenoon as I and Elizabeth were shown into a room. I climbed up on the bunk first and then Elizabeth came up and leaned back against me.
She whimpered when the doctor came with the IV she'd get cytostatic through. Elizabeth hated needles and I could never put in words how much it hurt me to have to hold her arm while the doctor put the needle in and Elizabeth whimpered and cried into my shirt. The doctor left and we were left alone- except for a doctor or a nurse that came in and checked the IV every once in a while.
Elizabeth just sat there. I asked her if she wanted me to go down to the kiosk and buy some papers of vogue but she shook her head, I just held her as she drowsily leaned against me, and then picked her up and carried her out to the car before I drove home and carried her into the living room, where I put on a movie she liked, placed a bucket on the floor in case she'd be sick and then just sat there with her.
"Burt…" a little while later Elizabeth shot up, I quickly reached for the bucket but not in time as she clapped her hands over her mouth- which didn't help when she threw up all over my shirt, the blanket she had, and herself. I quickly grabbed the bucket and held it under her chin just in time for when she threw up again. Grabbed a hairband from the coffee table and tied her hair into a messy ponytail.
"Sch, sch, sch." I comforted and stroke her back. "It's okay, you're okay." Elizabeth gripped hard in my arm with one hand and the bucket with her other- and it seemed like ages past away before her muscles tensed in one last heave and it went silent. Warm, salt tears were rolling down my love's cheeks- I wanted to pull her close and give as much of my comfort as possible but I didn't want to do that with vomit all over me.
"I'm s- s- sorry B- Boo" Elizabeth sobbed. I just continued stroking her back, told her that it wasn't her fault and a thousand times that I wasn't angry with her while she continued crying. I looked around, there were vomit over my shirt Elizabeth's shirt and the blanket- I needed to clean this but at the same time clean up Elizabeth and comfort her. Just as I started wondering how I would do this we heard footsteps on the porch steps and the front door open.
"Hello?" Thank God- I recognized the voice as Mildred's- Elizabeth sister, and I spoke up to let her know where we were. "Oh Lizzie." She walked right up to us, made Elizabeth stand up on shaky legs with one arm wrapped around Mildred's shoulders. The older sister held the bucket right under Elizabeth's chin while they made their way to the bathroom.
Mildred quickly came back and looked sternly to me. "Go change shirt- throw a cover or a blanket or something over the sofa- it will be easier to wash that than the sofa. Then go find something new for Lizzie to wear. I'll help clean her off." I nodded and walked to our bedroom to grab a new shirt, managed to pull the other one off while turning it inside out and threw it in the laundry basket and then sat down on my side of the bed and just stared without really knowing what I was looking at.
I drew a deep breath- I knew it was nothing compared to how Elizabeth felt now but I was exhausted. More than anything else I- of course I wanted to take care of Lizzie but I also wanted to just lay down and sleep. Or just, crawl up in mum's arms and cry my heart out.
We went to the hospital every day for four days after that. Kurt spent one day at his uncle's, then one at Debbie and Michael's, Mildred's, his friend Mercedes' etc. Every day he'd come home and meet me in the hallway where I explained that he'd have to stay somewhere else tonight too. Kurt would always bring a drawing, or something else he had made and I'd promise I'd give it to his mum and help him pack his bag- not that I did help so much though- I'd pick the wrong clothes, the wrong toys… so I just let him pack by himself.
One day I stood on the porch steps watching Mrs. Jones- Mercedes' mum stand by her car to greet Kurt. He was dressed in something I barely knew what it was called. "I know who you are Kurt." I mumbled- I'd known it since he was three and everything he wanted was a pair of sensible heels. "And when you choose to come out and tell me." I was mumbling more to myself than to Kurt when I saw Mrs. Jones hug Kurt, threw his bag in the back seat and help him climb into the car. "… I want you to know that I love you just as much."
Sure- when I had a son I saw in front of me how I would bring him to football games. Sit in the living room and watch sports with junk food and teach him to fix cars at my station. But I loved Kurt over anything else- and I wouldn't trade him for the world. So the day he'd choose to tell me who he was- I would still be right there and love him with all my heart.
By the weekend that round of chemotherapy was finally over. And it would be three weeks- and right in the last days of January before the next round. Andy and a friend of mine were taking care of the gas station most of the time now and I was sleeping early January the twenty seventh- my thirty fifth birthday when my phone started mumbling.
"Mhm Hummel." I answered drowsily, and started rubbing the sleep of my eyes. Starting to remember that I was at the part right in between thirty and forty years old at thirty five when I heard my sister's voice in the phone.
"Hello Uncle Burt and happy birthday." I heard in the other end- and I recognized the voice as Debbie's. At first my brain didn't register what Debbie had said.
"He… what did you just call me?" I sat up straight. Now? No it couldn't be! It was still a month and a half left before Debbie was due. But Andy didn't have any children so she was the only- the thoughts were spinning in my head through the seconds as Debbie explained to me what had happened.
"I woke up in labor and it all went so fast that by the time we reached the hospital there was no turning back. But the thing is…" The tone in Debbie's voice worried me. "You know how the doctors said it was a boy… actually they were wrong. Since three thirty tonight I and Mike are parents to a beautiful baby girl." Chocked- I leaned my head in my hands. "So… If Elizabeth's well enough why don't you three come over- we're in room three four seven."
After that I had hung up to my sister, I carefully woke Elizabeth up, told her what had happened and asked her if she wanted to go. I helped her to get up and then went to wake Kurt while she got dressed. I told Kurt to get dressed and brush his teeth and stuff so we could go meet his new- and first- cousin. Kurt more or less jumped out of bed, but still stood by his wardrobe for almost fifteen minutes and picked out his outfit to meet his new cousin.
I found Elizabeth sitting on her bed with her pills in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. She was tiredly looking first to the pills and then to me- her bottom lip trembling and tears rising in her eyes. "Hey." I said calmly and kneeled in front of her. "If you're not feeling well we don't have to go now. We can go another day." Elizabeth shook her head slowly and wiped away the tears.
"No… no I want to go… I'm just a bit tired. Oh… and happy birthday love." I thanked, then took one of the pills she held in her hand. Put it in her mouth, she swallowed it with the water. Then I took the next, and the next. A total of five small pills before it was done. How I fed her with them made us both smile. It was ironic to find that funny but- sometimes you just reach a point where you've got to make something good out of the hard things to manage to go on.
Kurt was nagging and nagging about going so I made breakfast for the three of us- poured juice in three old coke- bottles and brought them to the car. Kurt sat in the back- seat and ate happily while I tried to steer and eat at the same time. Elizabeth just sat there, looking down at the bottle and the sandwich without moving a muscle. I lifted my hand and stroke her hair. Asked her if she'd want me to drive home again and take this another day, but she shook her head and answered that she wanted this.
I concentrated on the road again- well- if someone looked at me they'd think I was- when in fact- my mind was pulling me twenty seven years back in time. When we were little I and Elizabeth had lived in the same block, then she moved when we were nine, and when she began high school she moved back- and that's when we started going out together. But when we were neighbors- I- as a little boy had been like most others little boys and not wanting to spend too much time with girls.
But Elizabeth had then- been very much of a tomboy. She liked to play soccer with us boys, would rather wear slacks than a dress, and there was nothing she enjoyed doing more than fishing. So when I was eight- and I and my dad was going out fishing- she came through the front gate with a fishing hold.
My dad was one of the greatest men I'd ever known- and he was not one of those who would say a girl couldn't come with fishing. So he'd looked down at me and told me that we couldn't leave her behind. I had begged him to take one of my guy- friends- or even Andy- who was at the time five years old and just as annoying as little brothers usually were. I had begged him not to take "the girl" But he did anyway.
That day I mostly sat on the side watching my dad help Elizabeth with her fishing equipment. Showing her things he'd swore were mine and his secrets. While he barely even looked at me through the whole day. I wasn't angry now- it was a long time ago- but the memories of how hurt I had felt that day were clear. And I could barely even believe that was the same girl that I'd love with all my heart.
I shook my head and concentrated on the road again. Turned some music on and heard the tones of defying gravity filled the car. Elizabeth was tiredly humming along while Kurt sang for all he was worth. I smiled and turned into the parking lot in front of Lima Memorial and walked around the car. Elizabeth only moved enough to look at me. And how could I tell those sweet puppy- eyes no? I leaned down and scooped her up in my arms. I told Kurt to hold onto the back of my coat while we made our way to the front door to the hospital.
"Would you like a wheelchair?" The receptionist asked me. I shook my head and answered her no. Then I walked through the hallways with Kurt's fingers wrapped around the fabric of my coat and Elizabeth tiredly leaning her head towards my shoulder. After several minutes I kicked the door to the NICU open and searched for my sister's room.
I didn't have any free hands so Kurt let go of my coat to hold the door open for me and his mum, and then I walked into the room, while Elizabeth lifted her head from my shoulder and looked up. Except for Debbie, Michael and the baby also Andy and my mum were in there. Andy more flew than stood up from the chair and I sat down with Elizabeth on my lap.
Debbie sat on the bed in the room with the baby girl in her arms, she was sleeping at the time and Andy had lifted Kurt up to see. Debbie looked tired but her eyes were shining in a way I'd never seen them do before. Questions of how everyone was doing and happy birthday wishes to me was sent back and forth. Until Elizabeth slowly stood up at shaky legs. I flew up on my feet but she held up her hand to show me to stay.
"I just need to go to the bathroom, I can go by myself." I nodded and slowly sat down again. I sat there but after Elizabeth hadn't been coming back I walked out of the room to go and check if she was sick or something. I found her standing by some windows in the hallway- looking into a room where maybe twenty to thirty babies were lying in each small bed. I walked over to her, but before I'd have the time to say something she interrupted.
"When I stand here and look at these babies- it doesn't feel as terrible anymore." I stroke her back. "The thought of- even if I'm not going to be here anymore the world will keep going on like it always did. Babies will be born, there will be… new- become parents happy and not even knowing about this. People will be born, live and die and the sun will keep on shining."
I looked down and bit my lip, not to show Elizabeth I was crying. "I don't want to do this Burt. I don't want to think about that I might not be here tomorrow. I just want to… let go of that, take the day as it comes and make the most out of every minute I can get." I nodded. I didn't know what else to say. She was right- but I didn't want to believe it.
I stroke away my own tears and then led Elizabeth back into Debbie's room. Talking like this seemed to have made Elizabeth decide to not just be there anymore. Not just sit drowsily in my arms barely hearing what was said- she walked over to Debbie's bed and I walked to stand next to her. "Have you decided about a name yet?" Elizabeth asked, Debbie looked down.
"Actually- we haven't." Debbie said. "We were so sure it was going to be a boy we only thought of boys' names- deciding that if it was a boy we'd name him Michael Jr. Then we thought about Mikayla but… it's just not her. Have you got any suggestions?" Elizabeth laid her hand to the side and looked to the baby with pitch black curls all over her head.
"She looks like a little Anna don't you think…" Elizabeth exclaimed after a while. Debbie and Mike both looked down at their daughter, and I could see on Debbie's smile that she agreed.
"In fact she does." Debbie said. "Anna… I like that." Mike agreed. "Maybe Mikayla as middle name then… Anna Mikayla Marston." Mike agreed to, Debbie placed a kiss on Anna's forehead. "Welcome Anna." I smiled, and stroke Elizabeth's hair. She smiled at me, and from that moment on I knew she was back- my Elizabeth was right there.
We stayed in the hospital with Debbie and Mike through the whole forenoon. When I drove home all three of us were singing defying gravity on the top of our lungs. If someone heard us they'd think we were crazy- especially with the fact that I sounded like a hoarse cow when I was singing. But it didn't matter to us as we sang.
I drove by McDonalds and bought lunch, Elizabeth took a few bites but couldn't eat anymore. It was too little- but at least she had tried and that was enough for me to know. I drummed with my fingers towards the steering wheel and whistled, and looked to Elizabeth on my side- and then looked to Kurt in the rearview mirror- they had both fallen asleep. I turned the music down and while I drove towards our street started thinking back to mine and Elizabeth's first date.
We had been to the cinema. I had discretely put my arm around Elizabeth's shoulders and right there right then- just as the couple on the screen stood in the middle of the pouring rain and kissed, I kissed my Elizabeth for the very first time. I had been so happy- like if I knew this was all right, and then when we were walking back to my car suddenly it was all changed, when a stranger came, grabbed Elizabeth tightly by the arm and pulled a gun.
"If you just do what I tell you now, there won't be any harm." He'd told my Elizabeth and tried to pull her along. But before he could I had stepped in between and emptied my pockets. Given him my wallet with my money and cards, the watch that my grandpa gave me for my sixteenth birthday and the key to my car while I pointed to the car that was mine. At the same time that I begged him not to take Elizabeth- not to take "the girl."
The stranger had hesitated, then taken all my things and drove away with my car. I and Elizabeth had to walk home in the pouring rain, Elizabeth was wearing heels so after some while I lifted her up and carried her the rest of the way. I had barely been able to move my arms by the time we were home- soaking wet and shaken but unharmed. And from that night on- when we came home to our worried parents at three in the morning- I knew I'd love Elizabeth with all that I had.
When we came home that day, I managed to wake up Kurt enough to tell him to hang on my back, while I lifted up Elizabeth in my arms again and put them both to bed- both of them in mine and Elizabeth's bed and pulled the covers over the both of them while Elizabeth rolled over and put her arm over Kurt in her sleep.
Two days later it was time for the next round of chemotherapy, this would go on for four days. I and Elizabeth talked and decided to let Kurt be home this time- we'd let him be at Mercedes' or Andy's while I and Elizabeth were at the hospital but he'd come home with us during the afternoon and night.
Of course we asked Kurt several times if he really wanted to be home while mummy was ill. Kurt nodded, I still wasn't sure about it- I didn't think it would be good for Kurt to see his mum that ill, yet I think he needed to spend as much time with his mum as possible. Just in case this wouldn't end as we wanted it to.
We talked a lot with Kurt of what would happen in the afternoons when we came home. We told him mummy wouldn't be able to play with him because she was so tired, that she'd throw up, that I would need to take care of her and therefore Kurt would have to entertain himself very much in the next few days. Kurt jus said that he understood- he sure was a great and wise little man.
So then the Monday came, I drove Kurt to Mercedes' and then went to the hospital with Elizabeth- held her as the doctor put the IV in, stroke her back and gave the comfort I could. I looked helplessly to the doctor while he put the IV in and Elizabeth whimpered and screamed into my shoulder.
"Is there really no other way to do it?" I asked when the needle had been put in. The doctor pulled out a chair that he sat down on while I was rocking my Elizabeth back and forth- tears still rolling down her cheeks. He sighed and started talking about some different things that could be put into one of Elizabeth's blood vessels and be also outside the body- so then they could give the shots through that so they wouldn't have to sting her every time. He let us look at the different options- Elizabeth and I both thought that the best was something called a picc-line. Where this little… thing was operated into the over- arm with local anesthesia and they would be able to give her shots and chemotherapy through that- that operation was going to be done by Wednesday though- so she'd have to get some more shots and needles before it was time.
The earlier time Elizabeth hadn't started throwing up until we were home in the afternoon. This time the meds were stronger, and already by the middle of the dose Elizabeth started feeling nauseas. We were watching a musical, I asked her if she wanted me to turn it off but she just shook her head- maybe it was good that she'd have something else to think about, I grabbed a basin and held it in front of her just in case.
It turned out I had done right- just as the doctor came in- maybe five minutes later. Elizabeth shot up, grabbed the basin and threw up. "Whoa." I exclaimed and stroke her back just as she threw up again. "It's okay love," Elizabeth moaned, and then started dry heaving. I looked desperately to the doctor. He walked out the room and came back with some fluid that he put in a needle and then took the IV bag and put the needle in.
"That should help towards the nausea. But it might take a few minutes before it starts working." Another dry heave wrenched Elizabeth's body. "Try to drink or eat something. It's very important that you don't get dehydrated and then you won't have to dry heave as much yeah?" Elizabeth shook her head- I could see on her that it meant that she didn't want anything.
"Boo" she whimpered. When Elizabeth called me Boo she had got me wrapped around her finger- not that she hadn't got me wrapped around her finger if she didn't but she had got me even more wrapped around her finger when she called me that. And my heart broke when she- pale as a ghost looked up at me with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Make it stop." She whimpered. "Please make it stop." Her voice broke, I pulled her close to me and held the basin under her chin. I didn't know what to say so I just kissed her clammy forehead and stroke her back. The medicine Dr. Lautner had given had seemed to help so Elizabeth just laid there, her cheek against my shirt and tears in her eyes. I stroke her arm and breathed in her hair- doing my very best to give my comfort.
The whole ride home- even when we picked up Kurt, Elizabeth just sat there and looked out the window. I carried her inside and into our bedroom, Kurt went to his room with some old numbers of fashion- magazines and didn't make a sound. I wanted to make Elizabeth eat something so I told Kurt to keep an eye on his mum and call me directly if something happened while I ran to the grocery store around the corner and bought ice cream. It wasn't the most healthy thing but- it was Elizabeth's favorite- it might be easier for her to eat when she wouldn't have to chew it and- it was better than nothing.
But I was scared half to death when I came indoors again and heard a high- pitched scream from the bedroom. I let go of the bag and ran upstairs- Kurt was right after me and I ran into the room to find Elizabeth sitting up, breathing heavily with tresses of her hair in her hands that she held in front of her- and on the pillow.
Elizabeth whimpered and while breathing more and more heavily she pulled off more and more hair that fell off in big tresses. "Hey." I said. "Hey, hey, hey, stop." I took stern grips around Elizabeth's wrists to make her stop. She was crying hysterically and looked to me.
"No… no let me do it… I'd rather do it all at once than have everything fall of in a cap or wake up with loads of hair on my pillow." I hesitated-but it was her choice so what could I do? I asked her if she wanted me to use the shaver to shave it all off at once but she just shook her head to answer me no. She had stopped hyperventilating and only cried silently as she sat with her legs crossed on her bed and pulled her hair off in big tresses, throwing it in the bin by her bed.
Kurt wanted to give his comfort so he sat there and stroke away tears from her cheeks every once in a while and with his hand on her knee. I had put the ice cream in the freezer- making her eat now just didn't seem right.
It took Elizabeth almost two and a half hours, but at least she'd pulled the very last of her beautiful chestnut tresses. Kurt had fallen asleep by the foot of the bed and I sat down with her. She sat leaning against me like that with tears silently dripping down on my shirt for a long while before she fell asleep. I sat like that for another hour or two before my eyelids just fell closed and I drifted off.
I woke up with a sharp intake of breath, and the first thing I knew was that Elizabeth and Kurt weren't there anymore. Then I heard Elizabeth throw up again and I quickly jumped out of bed and rushed out of the room and down the hall. But just as I put my hand on the door handle I heard Kurt's voice with his mum's heaving.
"It's okay mummy. You'll feel better soon." I quietly opened the door and saw Kurt sitting on his knees by his mum's side while she was leaning over the toilet bowl and was dry heaving yet again. We had gotten some anti- nausea meds from the doctor so I walked back to the bedroom and got one of them and a bottle of water.
"Liz." I kneeled down by the other side then Kurt and held out the bottle of water to let her clean her mouth first. She washed her mouth and spat and then I gave her the pill. She took it and leaned against me- Kurt had already fallen asleep again on the floor, I wanted to get up and carry him to bed but with Elizabeth leaning against me I couldn't stand up without her having to move and I didn't want that.
I and Elizabeth must have fallen asleep at about the same time, and I didn't wake up again until the next morning when I heard the alarm go off in the bedroom. I stood up, stepped over Kurt and walked to turn it off. Then realized it was more than two hours to the time where we'd have to be at the hospital. I walked to wake Kurt and Elizabeth up too and helped Elizabeth to get down to the kitchen.
Elizabeth didn't want to eat so I went with my "Emergency- plan" and got out the ice cream from the freezer. "Come on." I begged her and held the teaspoon with ice cream in front of her. "Please… for me." Elizabeth just turned her head away, when I thought of something we had used to do when Kurt was little and didn't want to eat his vegetables. "Come on… here comes Thomas the chew, chew train. Chew, chew, chew." Elizabeth didn't even smile as she turned her head away from the spoon.
"Please mummy." Kurt's voice was heard. "Eat a little bit… for me." Kurt looked at his mum with his sweetest puppy- eyes- he knew she wouldn't say no to that. Elizabeth sighed, then opened her mouth, and ate what I fed her. She didn't even eat half the bowl with ice cream but it was something- and I couldn't say that Kurt was sad to get to eat the leftovers, even though he helped me to try to make Elizabeth eat a bit more.
Elizabeth stood up and walked into the bathroom to make herself ready for the day, I had just been upstairs to get some own clothes when I heard a whimper from inside the bathroom, I opened the door and found Elizabeth standing by the mirror with her face buried in her hands.
"I'm so ugly." She whimpered, I was blown off and walked over to her, grabbing her wrists and looked into her beautiful eyes- with the perfect mix of brown, green and grey. Just like Kurt's and her father's. I tried convincing her that she was just as beautiful as ever but she didn't listen to me. "No I'm not- I'm bald- and I'm ugly."
"Hey." I said, and laid one of my hands on the top of my own head- bald since long. "I'm bald aren't I? Am I ugly for that?" Elizabeth shook her head- I thought she got my point. "See? So why would you be ugly for being bald?" She hesitated.
"But I am ugly… I'm a woman… people will think I'm ugly without hair." She looked into the mirror with tear- filled eyes. I told her to close her eyes and sit down. Then shouted to Kurt to get one of Elizabeth's scarves that he later helped me to tie around his mum's head to hide the fact that there wasn't any hair. I told Elizabeth to look into the mirror again- and she couldn't help but smile through the tears, she went to sit down in the living room while I got dressed and finished and I was just buttoning my shirt when Kurt came into the room.
"Daddy." He stated- and I knew instantly that he wanted something- and that he wouldn't give in until he had it. "I want you to shave all my hair off." I looked down at him with big eyes. Kurt had his arms crossed over his chest and looked up at me in a way that told me that he wouldn't give in until I had told him yes.
"No Kurt." I shook my head. "Your mum would probably hate me if I let you shave all your hair off." Kurt looked even more sternly to me, he moved his hands to his hips, moved his feet further apart and he almost shouted at me.
"Daddy- I want you to shave all my hair off." I looked down at him. I thought I had made it very clear to Kurt earlier that I did not tolerate that he'd raise his voice at me.
"Don't you raise your voice at me Kurt." I told him and put the toothbrush down at the shelf with a bang. "I will not tolerate that and you know it." I wasn't angry with Kurt- but I raised my voice accidentally and Kurt was afraid. His bottom lip started trembling and tears rose in his eyes, I kneeled down and softened my expression.
"Hey- it's okay. I'm not mad at you." I lifted my hand and stroke away a tear rolling down his cheek. "But I will not shave your hair off." Kurt hang his head. "I'm sorry Kurt- your mum would not be happy if I did."
"But daddy." Kurt moaned. "I want to have no hair like you and mummy. Then people will see we're a family and I can show mum that bald isn't ugly. Please daddy please… pretty… pretty… pleeease." He stuck his bottom lip out and laid his hand to the side while giving me his best puppy eyes- well- Kurt had me wrapped around his little finger just like Elizabeth with those eyes and he did have a good reason.
"Okay then." I said at last. "You do have a good reason." I lifted him up to sit by the edge of the laundry machine and grabbed the shaver. I had already plugged it in to shave myself, before I started shaving Kurt's head I asked him one last time if he really wanted to do this. He nodded and then I shaved his hair off. Afterwards I lifted him up so he could see it for himself and was half expecting him to start crying, but he just smiled big and continued to do so while I lifted him down again and he ran out to his mum in the living room.
"Look mummy. Now I'm bald too so people will see that we're a family, and you can see that bald isn't ugly."Elizabeth looked with big eyes to Kurt and then to me when I came after. "So daddy shaved my hair of bec…"
"Go to your room Kurt." Elizabeth interrupted- without any feeling. Kurt looked devastated but didn't move. "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel- go to your room… now." Kurt knew his mum was serious when she used his full name, his lip started trembling when he turned around and ran towards the basement.
"He wanted to do it." I sat down on the arm support next to Elizabeth. "He had to talk me into doing it. He wanted to make you happy." Elizabeth looked to me.
"I hate you."
"I know."
"I can't believe you shaved all his hair off."
"I know."
"Let's get a time at a photographer's."
"Whatever you want honey… but then you need to go and tell Kurt you're not mad at him." I walked to get my phone and call up Andy- who was a photographer. He laughed good when he heard and promised he had a special price for bald families.
That Sunday I, Elizabeth and Kurt went to Andy's studio and got the pictures taken. It was the greatest time in such a long time, the first thing Andy did when we came there was that he held up a T- shirt for Elizabeth to wear. With the text "kicking cancer's butt" Elizabeth usually wasn't much for T- shirts but she happily pulled it on and posed with it on, along with me and Kurt and both with and without different scarves pulled around her head.
Years after this I still had one of the photos standing in my bookshelf. I held Kurt with his feet higher than his head. I looked to Elizabeth who had her palms at Kurt's head and Elizabeth was looking to me. We were all laughing- and it would be a photo to make me happy in so many years after it was shot.
On a Tuesday in the middle of April I and Elizabeth sat in Dr. Lautner's office- Ian Lautner himself and a surgeon with "C. Christoph" reading over his tag sat by the other side of the table, there were two chairs for us yet Elizabeth chose to sit on my knee. Dr. Lautner looked seriously to us- that was enough to know that he wasn't going to give us any good news. Some all- day talk were sent back and forth across the room before Dr. Lautner leaned towards his desk and looked to us.
"You guys know that already by the first biopsi we made we knew that the cancer was aggressive. And that we tried with chemotherapy to see if we could shrink the tumors before we'd have to go with surgery. Now our second test results have come back and it shows what we were afraid off might happen- the tumors haven't been shrinking. In fact they have been growing." He spoke his medical language for a while, I felt Elizabeth shake towards my lap and I had my arms wrapped around her to give as much comfort as possible. And at last it came. "And… we're now at a point where the only thing we can do is to… remove your breasts- both of them." Elizabeth bit her lip to show herself strong.
"When?" She asked weakly- and then another answer we were dreading- as soon as possible- Dr. Christoph here can do it some time next week. Elizabeth shook even more, while I stroke her arms to give my comfort.
Wednesday one week later Elizabeth was on her way into the OR, Kurt was at my mum's for the day. Elizabeth was crying. "Hey." I said and stroke away a tear. "It's okay." Elizabeth shook her head and looked to me.
"Will you still love me?" She asked with her voice breaking. The question knocked me off, of course I would. How would she even be able to give that a doubt. I stroke her hair and told her that I'd still love her no matter what. And then she was pushed into the OR. I sat down in a chair in the hallway and started riffling in a car- magazine to keep myself entertained.
Dr. Christoph came back and with a serious expression and sat down next to me. Seriously he started telling me how the cancer had spread more than what they had expected so they had to remove more than what they were first planning. Then he took a deep breath again.
"It may have spread to other parts of the body- we've taken some tests to know if it has- if it has- I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do at this point." It hit me like a blow right in my face. Nothing more- would my Elizabeth… I couldn't even think the word- but that couldn't happen! I couldn't live without Elizabeth- Kurt couldn't live without Elizabeth.
The whole world seemed to be spinning, everything went black and the next thing I knew I opened my eyes and laid across some chairs in the hallway. While a nurse was dabbing my forehead and holding a small plastic cup of water towards me. I told Dr. Christoph I wanted to tell Elizabeth myself, and when she woke up I sat down by the edge of her bed and told her what he had told me.
Until know Elizabeth would have tried to keep strong while we were still in the hospital, but now she couldn't bear anymore. She bursted out crying hysterically and when I held her close she started screaming at the top of her lungs. A doctor came in and gave her some sedatives through the picc- line. I continued holding her in my arms as she cried silently, but this was harder for me to deal with than when she had been crying hysterically and screaming.
After a few hours Mildred arrived, I told her- and then went to my mum's to pick up Kurt. I didn't want to tell him until we were sure about that the cancer had spread but when I came to my mum's I went into my old room for a moment, sunk down to the floor and before I knew it I was crying hysterically.
My mum came in, Kurt was in the living room. She pulled me up into her arms and held me close to her chest. Like a little boy I gripped hard around the fabric in mum's shirt while she stroke my back and hushed gently. I didn't know for how long it lasted but I knew that when I woke up- mum was still holding me in her arms.
Three weeks later we got the news about the tests they had drawn by the surgery. Dr. Lautner and Dr. Christoph were sitting by the other side and calmly and slowly told us that the tests had come back to prove that Elizabeth had malign tumors in- not just her chest. But also her brain, her livver, her lungs and her kidneys.
Elizabeth just sat there, there was no energy left for her to use at panicking again. She was worn off just by the latest months. Dr. Lautner looked to us again. "We have come to a point where there's not much left for us to do. If we do chemo then it might give you a few extra months- but even if we do ever so much chemotherapy- There is a very small chance you'll live for another year."
"And if I don't choose to do chemo- how far have I got?" Elizabeth asked weakly, Dr. Lautner hesitated. Before telling, three maybe four months. Elizabeth looked to me. "I don't want anymore chemo Boo… I just want to live the time I've got left with making the most out of each minute and soend as much time as possible with you and Kurt… please don't make me do anymoe chemo."
Maybe I should have wanted for Elizabeth to have chemo- to give her as much as seven or eight months, but I didn't. I didn't want my Elizabeth to go through it all again. I'd rather want her to have three good months than to let her have eight months were she spent most time in hospital, throwing up or sleeping.
So we spent the rest of April, May, June and half of July with making the most out of each minute, we travelled to Lofoten islands in Norway and watched the midnight sun in a place that Elizabeth had always wanted to see- we travelled to China and walked on the great wall- we travelled back home and just hung around with watching our favorite movies.
But by the end of July it was clear that Elizabeth was becoming really sick, she didn't make it out of bed most days. Threw up a lot and slept even more. We didn't want this to be Kurt's last memorites of his mum so he'd spend a lot of time at my mum's, Mercedes', Andy's or Debbie and Michael's. His favorite place was Debbie and Michael's since when Anna had showed him- him and no one else her very first smile.
August the third- at six in the morning I woke up from hearing Elizabeth wheezing, I got a cool, wet cloth and started dabbing her fever- warm forehead when she made a gurling sound. I quickly helped her to sit up so she wouldn't get choked by vomit and held the bucket under her chin. Blood! The dark red fluid scattered down in the bucket. I panicked and quickly lifted Elizabeth up. There was no time to wait for an ambulance I thought as I took my car- keys- and us both in just PJ:s I carried her out to the car and hit the gas harder than ever before.
"HELP." I shouted, I had gone straight up to the oncologist- god knows why. "SOMEBODY HELP ME." Dr. Lautner stood in the reception, he lifted Elizabeth out on a stetched and pulled her to lay on her side when she trew up more blood. I was left in the hallway, where I first walked back and forth and then hit my knees and clasped my hands together and lifted them towards the ceiling.
"Please- d- dear God." I started. "T- take the heart from my chest. Take away every breath you gave me. If you just let me take her place then I swear I'll never ask for anything again. Please God take me instead- don't take away what's most important to my Kurt. Please- please take me. Please don't take my Elizabeth. Please don't take her- please don't take "The girl"" But right in that moment Dr. Lautner came walking out.
"There isn't anything else we can do I'm afraid. She's got a very severe pnemonia and it's caused everything to simply… crash." He helped me to stand up. "She's in a coma now. And when we turn our machines off she'll stop breathing." I nodded. "I think the best thing you can do right now is walk in there and speak to her. Let her know that you're there." I nodded. "Just let us know if you need anything. If you want we can give you some mild sedatives to take with you home." I shook my head then pulled the door to Elizabeth's room open while Dr. Lautner clapped my shoulder.
I walked into the room where Elizabeth looked so small and so fragile in the bed. The last few months she had gone to be only a shadow of her earlier self- she'd gone from a healthy woman to only skin and bones. Her hair hadn't been growing out again and I stroke over the bald head and sat down by the bed while my free hand took hers.
"Hey Liz." I said- my voice almost breaking. "I want you to know that I love you now just as much as ever. I want you to know that Kurt does too- and we love you over anything else in the whole wide world and that is never going to change." I took a deep breath while Dr. Lautner came in and started turning the machines off when I gave him a nod. "I want you to know that it will be alright- I will take care of Kurt- even when he chooses to come out and tell me who he is I am going to love him with all of my heart. And I want you to know that we'll be alright." I couldn't believe what I was saying. "I love you… now, before and for always." I bent forward and placed a kiss on Elizabeth's forehead just as the respirator beeped without silent.
"Time of death, seven o three." Dr. Lautner exclaimed after making his tests- and I could have swore his voice was breaking. I continued stroking Elizabeth's head for almost an hour- I couldn't leave, I couldn't cry. I wanted to cry, scream, throw myself on the ground and scream like a baby.
But I couldn't, I just kept silent and wished that I could, while I stroke Elizabeth's hand with my thumb. I couldn't leave, not just yet. Because I loved her too much. I couldn't let go- not yet.
Because I love you Elizabeth
I love you
Ow… right in the heart. A malign tumor is a tumor with cancer and cyastotic is the same thing as chemo. But just so you know- I didn't have any internet and therefore no google translate while writingg this.
By far longest chapter I've written, at over 9000 words.
Pst, the aftermath of this can be read in my one- shot "daddy."
English is not my first language