GleeJunkie007: Well, as I said too, I like Rory but not Sugar and think that he deserves someone better. But I kind of liked writing them actually and I'm glad you liked the chapter
Gleekforever12345: Yeah I guess it was a bit weird "Shrugs" I guess that's okay though and if you thought that was weird…! But I'm glad you liked it anyway and I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Ember411: Heyyo! Iiiiih! I'm so happy you're reading and enjoying my story. Even though I'm more for Jarley than Ryley I kind of like the L chapter too. I can't promise you anything about Jitty or more Ryley, but so far- future chapters I've got planned are Q, R, T and Y. So there's room for it! And I'm going to do my best to keep everyone happy. I'm happy you're enjoying my story that much and I hope that you continue to enjoy the story. Here is the new chapter and even though it's- like I said, really weird I hope you like it!
I am actually not sure where the idea to this came from, P was always going to be for Pregnant but I had planned it for other characters but so I had the idea and though I was crazy and cred for letting me doodle a bit of ideas goes to LocalXmusicXjellybeanX
P is for Pregnant
"I'm gonna be sick"
I had been fine when I woke up, but just as I pushed myself up the nausea hit me and I knew there was no time to hesitate and feel before I jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom and kneeled by the toilet- for once no angry about that Burt would always leave the lid up.
"Hey…" Burt must have gone from all half asleep to all awake in just a second because suddenly he was right behind me, kneeled and rubbing my back. "It's okay, honey!" I heaved and threw up once again. "It's okay." After what felt like it must have at least been a few hours after I kneeled I could flush, then lean back and Burt was right there and embraced me when I was taking deep breaths and trying to ease the horrible, sour taste in my mouth.
"You alright?" Burt moved a bit and stood up. "Sorry, but I have to let go for now." He took a washcloth from the cupboard and run it under the crane. "Here" He handed me the cloth and sat down by me again, putting his palm back against my back. "I know it's a stupid question! But are you alright?" I shrugged. "Do you think you might have caught something?"
"No!" I stated almost right away. "No! It's just nerves and…" I sighed. "Everything I guess." I looked away from Burt not to let him see my tears. I had been crying- more than I could count on how much the last week, but still the smallest thing could set the water works right back on again.
One week ago my Finn- my beautiful little boy had called and told me he would come to mine and Burt's to stay for the night. He was out with some friends, and walking to ours would be closer and easier than going back to college. I hadn't seen him for almost two weeks and for me that felt like ages so I had been over the moon with joy, of course, like any mother would be.
Fixing in the house and making for his favorite snacks and everything I hadn't noticed how the clocked kept on ticking, until I suddenly realized that Finn had said he would be home almost an hour ago. I had tried to shrug it off but- I had just had a weird feeling that he wasn't just having a great time with his friends and because of that had forgotten about the time and ended up late- I had known that there was something wrong! Very wrong!
Trying to keep my thoughts off that I had turned the radio on, it had played one song I really liked had gone on and just as it reached a line about no one laughs when the police knock on their door and tell you they have bad news. My colleagues at the Lima Memorial Emergency Room had called me up and I had just known that it wasn't about just chatting or switching some shifts. And I had been right.
I had heard on the voice of my colleague Jane Hansen that this was serious when she told me Finn had been brought in with an ambulance after an accident. And I had heard there was something she wasn't telling me and not known what until I and Burt arrived there and found and been told that Finn had been hit by a car walking home, and there was nothing left to do but to turn the respirator off.
And today that was one week ago and time for the funeral! And the last seven days and nights were all a big blur. Some days I had woken up and not even believed I would get myself out of bed and some other times I had been on the verge of calling my boss and telling him I retired. Memories of Finn and thoughts about what could have been haunted me day and night and from early morning to late night I had to go through the whole day one second by the other because I just couldn't think about what was going to happen next, it was too hard.
If I got sick now it wouldn't be weird! Neither would it be if I just got nauseas the morning before the funeral as soon as I thought about that because… because I had just been too stressed out and… And even though I hadn't been physically sick of it until now I couldn't understand how I would not have thought about it until now that I would.
"Finished?" Burt asked, and I nodded and let him help me up before he pulled me into his tight embrace. "I'll go make you some tea. Just holler if you get sick again or something." He reached down to kiss me. "Oh right!" He raised again and touched my hair with his lips before he pulled away and left the room while I spent the most part of the next while brushing my teeth trying to get rid of that horrible taste.
"Ginger's supposed to help towards nausea right?" When I came downstairs to the kitchen Burt stood reaching up in the cupboard. "We've got some biscuits." I shook my head. "Here… ehrm." He reached for a box of tea bags that stood in the corner. "I have forgotten to buy those with cinnamon- again! But I think we have one… about here!" He took one bag out of the kind that was my favorite out of the box. "Anything else you need honey." I put the cup down, but didn't have the time to put the teabag in the water before the smell of cinnamon made my stomach turn again.
"Hey, hey, hey." Burt tried to lead me over to the sink but I just had to get away from the smell in the kitchen and walked into his office and closed the door after me. Right as I got away from the smell of cinnamon the nausea eased again and I sunk down on the small couch he had put in there and put my head in my hands.
"Hey?" Burt came and sat down next to me while shoving a bucket into my hands. "What happened?"
"I- I don't know I… It was just some smell that smell of cinnamon made me feel sick I don't know…"
"You love that smell!"
"I know…." Suddenly a memory came to mind. "Once I couldn't even feel a hint of it without feeling sick…. Although that was when I was pre… gnant!"
That was the first time the thought came to mind of what this all could be. But I couldn't be…. Could I? I would be too old for that by now… right? For several seconds I was only silent because of the thoughts spinning around in my head and something told me that Burt thought that I got so silent thinking about that pregnancy today. Because I felt his grip around my hand tighten and so he just embraced me and pulled me tight.
The thought kept on coming and going for the next couple of weeks, even though I hadn't actually been sick anymore I… if I became dizzy from standing up for too long or felt nauseas from feeling a certain smell or craved something else! But I kept on telling myself it was all some sort of reaction to the stress and kept on pushing the thoughts away even though I probably already knew that my intention was right!
Even though I kept on noticing signs and symptoms that my intention had been right I kept on pushing the thought away. But it kept coming back and at last, one day when Kurt and Blaine was back in Lima for some reunion for Finn but out with some friends, and Burt had to go to work for a few hours. I had to go to the store.
"Is that all then?" The cashier asked and I was just on the verge of answering him yes and as fast as possible before I had some sort of breakdown. But so the home pregnancy tests hanging on a hook right by caught my eye and before I had the time to change my mind I had grabbed three (Yes three!) of them and thrown them at the rolling band.
The cashier raised an eyebrow at me seeing the tests, but didn't say anything before he passed them on and I could pay before I just threw everything in the bag- I just wanted to get this over with so that totally unrealistic feeling I had that I had been right with my first thought of what this all might be would leave me alone some time so I could go back to care for myself.
"Oh f*ck" What probably wasn't too long later but still felt like it must have been a year I stood leaning over the shelf- on which those three pregnancy test laid - all used and yes- all positive! And while a feeling I didn't quite know how to place it on exactly what feeling was roaring up inside of me. And of course when I ran out in the living room to get my phone which just as I picked it up it beeped and ran out of batteries.
I didn't know what else to do- or it was just that my knees buckled under me because I sank down onto the floor and put my head in my hands. And didn't even notice that someone had come in before I felt a hand on my shoulder and Kurt kneeled by me.
"Carole? Are you alright?"
I raised my head and lowered my hands. "Kurt…" I didn't quite know what to say, but I knew that I needed to get it out of my head before I exploded. "I think… I think you're gonna have a little sister or brother!" Kurt frowned, and for the moment he just seemed confused and not getting what I meant. "Kurt." He nodded. "I'm pregnant!"
I almost thought that Kurt would simply fall backwards and faint on me, but instead he turned a bit and sat down by me. "Are you sure? I mean… have you done one of them tests?"
"Three of them!"
"And they all showed positive?"
"Yes"
"Carole?"
"Yes?"
"Are you alright?"
I turned to him and silent, then couldn't help myself before I was shaking with sobs and Kurt sat with his arms around my shoulders gently shushing trying to have me calm down. God! Just a month ago I would have been over the moon with joy by news like this and now… I just didn't know how I should react!
"Hello." I didn't know how long- but some while later we heard footsteps onto the porch steps and then Burt's voice. "Anyone ho…." He came out in the living room and saw us and then interrupted himself in the middle of a word- and I, in the middle of it all could only imagined what a miserable look he was met by coming into the house. I had barely stopped crying and still had tear- stained and swollen cheeks, and Kurt with his arms wrapped around me in an attempt to comfort me and on top of it all sitting on the floor.
"What's going on?"
"Burt." I took a deep breath and showed him to sit down in front of us two. "Sit, there's something we need to tell you." Burt frowned but did as he was told- well, with tear-stained cheeks and sitting on the floor, I guess that was a way to do it. "Burt…" I started and decided that it would be the best to just come right out and say it. "…I'm pregnant."
For the second time today I had a Hummel in front of me and almost 100 percent sure he would faint as he stared in another direction and changed his position with his chin dropped. "Oh my lord." He took his cap off and scratched his head. "Well… I…" He stuttered and didn't seem to know what to say next. "What do you want to do?"
"What do I want to do?"
Stupid hormones!
"What do I want to do?" It as good as set the water works right back on again. "Burt do you mean?" And so I started crying again. "Burt this is my baby! Our baby do you mean that I? Do you mean that I should get an abortion? How could you ever even think about that how could…" I interrupted myself and started hitting just about every spot I could reach with my palms.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey." Burt took stern grips around my wrists and held my hands still so I couldn't keep on hitting him. "I wouldn't! Of course I don't think you'd do that but what I meant was that whatever you want to do." Burt lifted my hand and touched it with his lips. "It's fine with me. And I will be here all the way until the very end."
I smiled through the tears that had started rolling down my cheeks again. "I love you" I only whispered because if I spoke out loud my voice wouldn't hold, and Burt tenderly wiped the tears from my cheeks and then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up into his lap and then just held me and rubbed my back.
We didn't even notice that Kurt had left the room
"But you can't! Kurt this is college we're talking about! You can't just…" Burt's shouting was followed by mumbles muffled by the door in between us, followed by Kurt shouting back at his dad.
"It's my choice dad! And I've been thinking about it…"
"No you haven't! Then you'd know…" I heard Burt getting more and more frustrated and decided to step in and opened the door and talk to them about whatever this was about. "Kurt…" Just as I came in Burt's voice got calmer while Kurt seemed more frustrated than what I had ever seen him before. "I and Carole are adult people. We can and we will take care of this for ourselves."
"What's going on?"
"Kurt wants to take a term off school to stay at home and help us." Burt took his cap off and scratched the top of his head with it. "And he states that he have talked to that Tibideaux about it and… well he can tell you the rest for himself I guess." He sighed and slumped down into his desk chair and put his cap over his face as he used to when he was really thinking hard and didn't want to be bothered.
"As dad just said." Kurt seemed calmer again when he turned to me. "I have been thinking about it for a while and… I thought that from graduation this summer I will take one term completely off school, and then one term as well after that and take the courses I can on distance. Then I'll be at the same part of school as Blaine is if he comes in- which he will! And the courses I cannot take on distance I can get caught up in in the years I have left."
"Wait, wait, wait." Burt sat up again and pushed his cap up again. "You did not say anything about taking a whole year off school. I am not letting you do this. We can take care of ourselves and I am not letting you do this! Not for me, and not for Carole. God kid this decision is going to affect the rest of your life and you are going to regret it and whatever lies you told that Tibideaux for her to say that it would be alright to take time off…"
"It wasn't lies dad!" Kurt had gone back into being frustrated. "She accepted it at the part where I said I wanted to be home with my dad and stepmum because my stepbrother died!" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath not to just break down crying. I knew very well- both before and right now what had happened to Finn but this was for sure the first time someone had just thrown it out like that and he could just as well have punched me right in the stomach. And the room seemed to have gone awfully silent.
"Carole…" Kurt had silent for a bit and spoke again just as I opened my eyes again. "I am so, so sorry. I wasn't thinking about…" He seemed not too sure about how to express himself next and I didn't wait for him to find the right words before I turned and stormed out of the room, then through the kitchen and up the stairs before I sunk down onto my bed with my back against the door and my head in my hands.
"Honey." Burt's voice sounded through the room just a bit later and I could hear him coming walking around the bed and sitting down by me, took my hand in his and gently pulled away my hands from my face. "I know Kurt is an adult, but I am not letting him get away with hurting you like this." I sighed and tried to breathe for my voice to get steadier but before I'd had the time to answer him he pulled me close, although I pushed away from him right away. "What is it?"
"Can you go get Kurt honey? I need to talk to him." Burt nodded and clapped my shoulder standing up and walked around the bed again and I could hear him continue down the stairs and then Kurt's lighter steps as the younger Hummel came walking upstairs and into the room. "Come here honey." Kurt seemed quiet and somewhat awkward when he came into the room so I had to ask him to come and sit down and while he did I reached for a tissue from a box on the bedside table.
"I am…" Kurt began kind of callously. "I am so, so sorry. Carole I didn't mean…"
"Kurt!" I interrupted calmly. I couldn't bear being angry with him. "You know, from time to time you are so much like Finn." Kurt made a failed attempt to smile and I could almost feel the lump he had in his throat and how much he fought for keeping his tears away, so I reached out and took his hand. "Like how you say things without thinking when you get frustrated, we all do that but… Guess where Finn got that from!" I pointed to myself. "What I mean is… That honey… you did nothing wrong!" Kurt looked up and seemed to want to protest. "Honey! Don't you think I've ever said one crazy and not less mean thing when I've been frustrated?" Kurt hesitated. "Loads of times! I might or might not have caused the accident that caused my brother to break his leg!" Kurt bit his lip. "So… I know what happened downstairs and… I'm not angry! And the thing is…" Next thing was heartbreaking but true. "It was the truth! So… if this is what you want to do… then it's okay with me and I'm going to make sure it's okay for your father. Just… do it for yourself and not for us okay?"
Kurt nodded but turned away his head. "Oh come here sweetie" I laid my arm around his shoulders. "I love you okay? And in these times what is most important is that we stick together okay?" Kurt nodded but still didn't look at me and… I guess a mother just knows the perfect ways to break the ice! "Hey… how about…. To make your dad not be so angry anymore… we bake something that he likes?" Kurt finally smiled for real.
"Hmm… he likes those cinnamon sugar pull apart loads I've been making!"
"Well…" I hesitated. "If we want to bring cinnamon into the house again we… might have to wait until after the baby is born" Kurt looked confused for a moment, but seemed to realize what was going on at last and nodded. "I think I've got a folder somewhere with recipes that I have been saving for some time later. So… Why not start trying them out yeah?"
Kurt smiled weakly and nodded, and I squeezed his hand before we both stood up. It might have been that the very worst had brought us to this situation together. But the last few weeks moments like these what was I collected and memorized as much as possible. Held onto as good and as long as I possibly could because those were the moments when everything wasn't just as hard, even though it was usually those things that were just… normal! Like watching TV and for a minute being pulled into the world of the characters, or like now- baking along with Kurt.
"So…. Who is it we have to tell?" A couple of days later, just as Kurt had left to go back to New York I and Burt sat on our bed, Burt had his back against the headboard and was playing with my hair. I sat resting my head back against his shoulder and none of us had spoken a word for several minutes when Burt spoke the question.
"About the baby?"
"Yes. I mean… You and I obviously know. And Kurt obviously has to know as well as your mum and my sister and brother and your sister and brother and their families… Blaine… And with everything that will be going both before and after the baby is born, people at my work and people at your work when you go back. Although- about your work, and I've never meant it as much as I men it now. Don't rush anything. It will happen when it happens and I know that you know that you have to be more careful than usual."
I nodded- yep! I had already gone through what would happen when I went back to work a thousand times. And I knew that if there was something I neither wanted nor needed it was pity! So I'd have to come up with something not to have all of my nurse colleagues fuss over me like I would actually need it- which I didn't!
"Rachel" I stated suddenly. "And I think… I think some of Finn's closest friends should know I… I don't really get why it just feels like… if they were close friends with Finn then they might want to have something to do with the baby… and we need to come up with a nickname for him or her! We can't just keep calling him or her the baby!"
"Speaking about him or her… should we ask to know about that on that ultrasound?" I shrugged. "For me it doesn't really matter… either way it will still be ours, and either way I'll love him or her with all I've got but…"
"I think I want to find out…." I started. "I just have a feeling… that if I know I might… Well, we'll know what to buy and such- and won't end up with Kurt having bought two loads of clothes- one for girl and one for boy which we will only use one." Burt chuckled- we both knew that Kurt was going to buy more clothes than we would ever have any use for, no matter what we said!
"Yeah… well, you're in charge but… This baby was surprise enough! I don't need the second surprise." He chuckled and ruffled my hair- just in the way he knew I hated and I glared at him. "I know honey, I know… Hey, how about after this ultrasound and everything… we take a trip to new York and… tell Blaine and Rachel and if there is some other of Finn's old friends there that needs to know… although we might want to tell our families first." I nodded. "Hey…" I looked up to see Burt smiling. "I just wanted to tell you I love you!"
"I love you too honey" I said again a couple of days later when we sat in the waiting room at the hospital and Burt had once again told me out of the blue that he loved me. "But God it feels like everyone in here are sitting staring at us!" He clapped my shoulder and I leaned my head against his shoulder and looked away from all of the others in the room.
"Why would they be watching you hon?"
"Oh I don't know…" I said ironically. "Because we're obviously way too old to have a baby!" Burt smiled and rubbed my shoulder again. "God it feels like everyone are staring!"
"You're just being paranoid honey!" He told me and I glared at him- if only glares could kill! "I promise you. No one is star…" He didn't get any further before we heard someone call out my name in the waiting room and I felt my heart beating in my ears when I stood up and walked along with Burt through a hallway and into an examine room- What if something was wrong? What if all of those tests had showed wrong and I wasn't pregnant after all? What if… "Honey." It almost seemed as Burt had been reading my thoughts. "It's okay. I'm sure it will go just fine."
"So… What do we see here?" Burt looked to the scanner screen during the ultrasound. "I've seen something like it before…" I could tell he was nervous with how weirdly he was expressing himself. "But I still have no idea if I'm looking at a head or a foot!" The nurse chuckled and pointed to the screen.
"Here we've got the heart… and it's beating strong. Here we've got a head and a body." Burt smiled and I could see his eyes were shining. "Do you know how far into the pregnancy you are?" I shook my head and she moved the scanner a bit, making me shiver. "Oh, sorry. Well… I'd say you're about seventeen, eighteen weeks into the pregnancy… we've got tests that will show it more exactly though… Do you want to know if it's a girl or a boy?" I nodded, I didn't really trust my voice to keep at this point. "Well, it might be a bit too early but… no, I can see it here… you are going to have a baby… girl!"
I looked up at Burt who was smiling with tears in his eyes and had to wipe tears from my own eyes as well. "I think someone's going to have her daddy wrapped around her finger." Burt whimpered and took my hand harder. With that I couldn't do else than agree- anyone could wrap Burt around their finger, so with a daughter…!
"So well, everything looks just fine but… considering your age and everything. I think that we might want to do an AFT to check if she would have… Down's syndrome or anything else that would affect your life more than a "Normal" healthy baby." I hesitated-I knew that it was for our best but AFT's wasn't done without risks and with every risk there already was…
"Actually… and Burt if you don't mind as well… I wouldn't think that we should do an AFT… I know it's not without risks… " The doctor nodded. "And I guess… the only thinks I need to know that are baby girl is somewhat healthy and alive and…. That whatever is going to happen or who she is I will always love her." Burt smiled and patted my shoulder. "So if it's not absolutely necessary…
"No of course not! Well, we'll only go through some things then and draw some blood and then we'll be done here."
"So are you ready?" Burt asked the week after when we stood in the kitchen window and saw as both my mum, my sister and brother and his sister came walking up the driveway, as the first ones that arrived- actually everyone that would arrive except for Burt's brother Andy and we already knew my family had gone all together from Toledo, they were now walking up the driveway. Dinner was on the stove and we had planned to tell our closest families- except for Kurt who already knew about this, about the baby- and Andy Hummel was late as usual!
"Hey mum." I greeted and hugged her, and couldn't fail to notice her only glaring at Burt- she had never liked him, while I pointed out to the kitchen and greeted my sister Karen (Yep, Karen and Carole- how imaginative!) And David- our little brother as well as Burt's younger sister Debbie, and just as she had disappeared out of our sight and into the kitchen I could hear running steps up the driveway and I opened the door before Andy stumbled at the porch steps and fell into the house- again!
"Thanks Carole. And thanks Bro" He took Burt's hand and Burt pulled him up, jokily almost pulling to hard to throw Andy off his feet. Well- no matter how old they were, brothers were always going to be brothers and I sighed at them and their "secret" handshake as I just continued walking and sat down on the kitchen sofa, nervously fingering with the front of the one of Finn's T- shirts I was wearing for it not to show that I was pregnant until the Hummel- brothers finally came into the kitchen and Burt sat down next to me and laid an arm around my shoulders.
"Well…" I started passing around the kettle and the salad mostly to have something to do because I was too nervous to be still. "We have got some big news to tell you guys…" I started putting up food for myself not to have to meet them for another few seconds. "Well… I guess it's… it's not that easy to tell." I was twisting my hands in each other because I couldn't keep still and knew that they knew I was nervous. "So I guess we'll just say it…"
"What is it honey?" Mum frowned and seemed kind of upset. "Please tell me it's not another tragedy." I looked to Burt, silently counted to three and then we both said it at once.
"We're pregnant."
"You're WHAT?"
Mum was angry- there wasn't one doubt about it in the way she had stood up, put her hands on the table and that damn look in their eyes that had scared me to Europe when I was little. "Mum?" I just wanted her to say something… something at all that would put that fire out…. Although before I had mum seemed to calm down and sat down again and for a moment she just looked from me, to Burt, back to me, to Burt and like that at least eighteen times. Also the rest of the people around the table seemed to be in loss of words.
"I have a question!" Mum said at last. "Which one of your last names will she or he be having?"
"I don't know." I hesitated and thought about it. "We haven't really been talking about that yet but… I guess Hummel since that is both of our names and Hudson was Christopher's last name." I jumped when mum hit her hand in the table so the porcelain jumped. "Mum… what was that all about?" Mum was suddenly peering way too much for my taste, and looked very angry as she looked to my Burt.
"You… This was your idea wasn't it? You made her do this? You filthy little rat and that part about the last name made it very, very clear. " I shook my head at mum- she was only finding excuses. "She just lost her son and you get her into this."
"Ehrm… mum." David started. "The last time I checked it took two people to get one of them pregnant so this is on Carole just as much as Burt and you know her- she would never let anyone just talk her into something that didn't feel right and besides, I think we should hear Carole out on what is going on with all of this."
"Mum I was pregnant before what happened to Finn, I only didn't know about it then… and Burt didn't get me into anything. And…"
"Have you thought about the risks? There are risks for your health. Risks for your baby's health…"
"Mum" I tried shouting but my voice didn't keep and it was more like a half- suppressed whimper while I stood up. "You're not making this any easier!" I ignored Burt trying to calm me down and stormed out of the kitchen and out of the house. And I heard Burt starting to talk before I slammed the door close and sat down onto the porch steps outside in the sunny but cold early summer day.
"Hey sis'" a few moments later the door opened again and David came out. "Oh come on, it's freezing." I heard him fix with the zipper of his hoodie and then felt him lying it around my shoulders. "You need to take care of yourself." He sat down by me and in the corner of my eye I could see him turning his head and saw my tear- stained cheeks. "Hey… mum just had a chock and she just worries about you!"
"She hates the one I love David! How do you think that feels? And with the baby and everything…"
"I know." David frowned. "But she wouldn't let that steer how she feels about the baby. And it doesn't mean she won't change her mind before the baby is born! Don't worry about it! If mum decides to act like this then it's her problem and you've got enough people around you without her!" I glared at him. "I know, I know. But come inside again it's freezing." David stood up and I took his hand for a moment to stand up and walked after him into the house again.
"Geez!" I stated to my brother before we had walked into the kitchen. "We're going to New York next week and asked Kurt some of Finn's closest friends to tell them too. I hope that goes better than this time!"
"Kurt!" Burt moaned when he saw everybody Kurt had invited to hear the news. "We told you to invite some of Kurt's friends not everyone he ever knew!" Everyone had arrived at the same time and in the hallway at the loft- except for Kurt and Rachel and Santana now stood Brittany, Tina, Mike, Artie, Blaine, Mercedes, Sam, Quinn and Puck- and I wouldn't know why the people who didn't even live in New York were here.
"Well… now when they're here everybody anyway!" I stated. "Well, let's not just stand out here in the hallway and talk." We moved out in the living room and Burt, Kurt and Puck were running around finding chairs and pillows and whatever else they could find for people to sit on and I who was so nervous I couldn't keep still said one, two, three, four, five times I didn't need anything.
"So well." At last when everyone except I, Burt and Kurt had something to sit on and there was no way we were finding anything else for Kurt, Burt moved over to where I stood and took my hand in his and I cleared my throat to save a bit of more time before I'd have to start speaking.
"Well… We didn't expect so many to be here but now when you're all here you might as well hear it anyway. And I know that you all had bonds and your very own relationship to… to Finn." I had to clear my throat again. "And… I know we told all of you that if you'd ever need…. Anything then you can come to us. But if that would ever happen then there is something you all should know…"
"Oh my God! Blaine shot up after sitting leaning back. "The cancer isn't back is it? Did Burt have a heart attack? Is something happening to you?"
"Blaine honey," I started again. "Nothing like that. But if you calm down we can tell you." Blaine's cheeks turned pink and he mumbled a sorry as he seemed to calm down. "That's okay honey, it's sweet that you worry about us even though you wouldn't need to. But the news are that…" I nervously squeezed harder around Burt's fingers. "…Me and Burt are going to have a baby."
"So wait…" I could see that Santana was thinking really hard. "If you're having a baby you're adopting right?" I shook my head. "So you're actually having a baby?" I nodded. And what Santana next I didn't understand more than that it was in Spanish. The rest of the people in the room still seemed to be in chock too much to even know what to say.
"I'm gonna be a brother!" Kurt's smile was undeniable. "I'm going to be a real big brother." He was as good as jumping where he stood and Blaine continued.
"I'm gonna be a brother- in- law! I was before too but Cooper's wife doesn't like me so she doesn't count!"
"Kurt… did you know about this?" It was Rachel speaking. "Of course you knew that's why you've been buying all of those baby clothes. Oh my I can't believe you didn't tell me!" I shook my head and interrupted.
"We asked Kurt not to tell anyone before we had been to the hospital, made an ultrasound and so we were going to be sure we were pregnant and everything was alright." Burt moaned when I gripped too hard around his fingers. "Sorry honey… we did go to the hospital, and we asked to know if we're having a boy or a girl." I looked to Burt, to see if he wanted to say this but he only nodded to me and I turned towards the old- and some of the current New Directions.
"And we are having a baby… girl." Kurt's smile was undeniable- this was what he had wished for, for certain and I could see him leaning against Blaine's shoulder- otherwise he might have fallen because he had a very dreamy look in his eyes and was obviously in a whole other world. "And of course… even with the baby and everything… if you would ever need someone to talk to or anything you are still absolutely welcome to ours." I smiled. "So don't hesitate about that okay?"
"So how do you know it's a girl?"
"Well Brittany…" I grimaced slightly to Burt- I knew Brittany! "The doctor saw it on a screen, and told us." I crossed my fingers she'd buy it.
"But the stork… Did the stork tell you it was a girl?"
I couldn't help it. I hadn't laughed once in the last couple of months and now when I had started I just couldn't stop and had to hold onto Burt not to fall because I couldn't stop laughing. The others seemed to have more about me laughing than about what Brittany had said- and even though I couldn't get why it was hilarious.
"Can…" I had to wipe tears when I could finally breathe again: "Can you promise me one thing Brittany?" She shrugged. "Always be yourself okay honey?" Brittany nodded and looked confused and I chose to leave it be for now. "Oh well… Kurt did Rachel say you had been buying baby clothes?" Kurt nodded. "Can I see them?"
"Oh Kurt." Burt sighed when Kurt came with a great big box with baby clothes. "You do realize that the baby will be growing and just with all of these clothes there probably won't be enough time for your sister to wear it all. Kurt nodded and I couldn't help but to just laugh at him… "And it will be years before she can wear these." I held up a pair of overall jeans printed pink floral. "They are too adorable though!" Kurt nodded agreeing. "Maybe we should just bring it all with us home don't you think?" Kurt nodded yes again. "Okay honey. And don't go off and buy even more now!"
Who was I fooling anyway? We both knew that I and Burt would barely had gotten on the plane home and Kurt would have already bought loads of baby girls' clothes on the stores on the airport or wherever he could find! Nothing I said or did would keep him from buying every single cute baby girl outfit before our sweetie had even been born!
The world is a funny place! I had thought it was ending when Finn died but… the world has a way with moving on and keep on spinning, the sun has a way with continuing to go up and down and people around you had a way to keep on moving on even when it felt like you would never be able to move on yourself.
To know that I and Burt was going to have our sweetie- who we hadn't named yet because I had said that I wanted to hold her and look my baby in the eyes and I'd just know. Well… to know that we were anyway going to have our house being filled with screams of a baby, that there was going to be a real reason to actually get out of bed in the morning, to know that there was someone I would need and someone that would need me. Maybe I shouldn't have been happier!
But to know all of that didn't mend my broken heart. Some of the times that I stumbled across something on TV and thought to myself "Oh I need to record this it's Finn's favorite" and every time I was making the dishes I knew that he had loved- I would break down. If I stood up my knees would buckle under me and I would sink down onto the floor-and grab onto whatever I could hold onto, whether it was a table's leg or a dresser or Burt didn't really matter.
And one thing was for certain- being pregnant didn't make me less nervous about going back to work! If anything-it made me more nervous! And still I was determined that I wouldn't take days off for longer than what I had planned from the start because of this and because I was nervous- and just as I could mark that probably around half of the pregnancy was behind us- I was going back to work.
"Oh hello honey." My colleague and one of my best friends Jane Byrne stood right by the desk when I came into the ER and came around the desk to hug me. "Oh are you okay?" I pulled away before she would realize all on her own that I was pregnant and showed her to come with me, then walked fast because I didn't really want to talk with anyone at the moment before Jane knew about all of this.
"What is it Carole?"
"There's something I gotta tell you. Well as you can see I'm back for now but…. It won't be for too long…" I took a deep breath and hesitated.
"Oh my God is there something else going on? Damn it woman you're stalked by bad luck. What is it? Answer me! Are you dying or something?" I should have expected this… Jane thought and she spoke! There was nothing keeping her from asking the questions she wanted to.
"Of course I'm not dying Janie." I interrupted. "I and Burt are both just fine but… the thing is…. I'm pregnant." For a moment Jane only stared at me with her mouth open and her eyes bigger than what I had ever seen them before-including the time I had come to work after when Kurt had given me a makeover! (Thank God for that makeover by the way!)
"You… You… " Jane stuttered and didn't seem sure of what to say next before her mouth dropped open if possible even more and she ran both of her hands through her brown thatch and suddenly a wide smile formed on her lips. "That's great!" I wasn't so sure if I wanted to agree to that or not. "That's…. oh I'm so happy for you." Jane hugged me as tightly as she seemed to dare.
"I… I'm happy too I only… I guess I… well you know!"
"Carole, honey you're… You're allowed to be happy… It's what Finn would have wanted." I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "More than anything he wanted it when he was here and more than anything he would have wanted it right now."
I could almost feel something break in my soul and heart when Jane stated what she did. And I didn't really know what it was that made me do it but I guess I just needed to get it out in one way or another.
"No Jane. More than anything he would have wanted to live. He would have wanted to be here, with me and be able to watch his sister grow up. He… when he was little he used to nag and nag and nag me every Christmas and every birthday that the only thing he really wanted was a little sister or brother. And as he got older and understood why he couldn't then he would stop but I knew… I knew what he wanted more than anything else and I knew that it was the thing I couldn't give him… and now he's going to have one and he's not going to be here to meet her or get to know her and she is never going to get to know him and I…"
I couldn't go on anymore, I let myself sink backwards towards the bunk and put my head in my hands. "I'm sorry." I whimpered. "I didn't mean to put that on you! You did nothing wrong! It's absolutely not your fault!" Jane didn't say anything for the moment but laid an arm around my shoulders and for the next few moments that meant so much more as she silently just let me cry until there were no more tears to cry and then fished up a tissue from her pocket.
"It's okay. I know. Nothing's your fault either and I want you to know that if you need to spill it out like that or… whatever you need that is perfectly alright with me!" She took my hand with her empty one. "I can take it! And I will stay right here." I nodded and dried the last few tears. "And Carole, like I said- You don't have to feel bad about being happy! And I know that your baby is going to know her older brothers, because I know you will make sure she does and he will also know her because he is in you." I nodded and wiped the new tears that had come slowly rolling down my cheeks. "He is here." She laid a hand on my head and then moved her hand down and pointed to my heart. "And here!" I nodded again. "Maybe… maybe you should take another few months off and not come back to work until after the baby is born and old enough for you to go back to work." I shook my head.
"No! No! I… I want to come back I just…" I took a deep breath, I didn't have to go on and I knew that Jane understood even though I didn't. Then for a while we just sat there in silent, and we both jumped when the door suddenly opened and Burt stomped in. He seemed worried when he saw my swollen, tear- stained cheeks but I waved it off in a gesture to tell him I was alright now and then he held up a brown paper bag.
"You forgot your lunch! And I know, I know but you need to eat!" I rolled my eyes. "I saw that honey! Now aren't you two supposed to get to work?" Burt smirked to let us know he was kidding and it was all up to ourselves- but he was right. And with actually being here, letting the feelings go and being gone for so long I was for the first time actually looking forward to go back. And it was almost like the baby felt it because just as I stood up I felt her move for the first time.
"Whoa." I grabbed onto the railing of the bed and laid the other hand onto my belly. I couldn't see Jane since she was behind me, but Burt was in front of me and just in that move I could see the panic in his eyes as he started babbling questions as about if I was okay and if he should get a doctor or whatever else.
I sighed at him, and at last when I realized I wouldn't catch his attention trying to talk I grabbed his hand in mine and lied his palm against my belly. And the baby must have felt something because in the move she started kicking again like crazy and a big smile formed on his lips as he felt it. I could have sworn I heard his heart beating.
"Oh…" Burt pulled away his hand when our girl had stopped kicking for now. "I couldn't say it too many times but… this girl is going to have me wrapped around her little finger!" I smiled and didn't even notice Jane leaving the room when I leaned my head against Burt's shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me before we just stood like that for I didn't know how long!
"Now…" Burt pulled away. "I've got to get to work too. But you've got my number and the number to my pager and the number to my colleagues. So if you can't reach me then just keep on trying until you've reached somebody. I can see that you've been upset and already before I knew that this isn't going to be easy and I think you know that too! So don't hesitate to call okay? I mean it!"
I didn't answer, I would tell him that I'd call him but then when it came to point I wouldn't do it anyway. I knew- and he knew- and Jane knew and I think a big part of the hospital staff and the patients did know too! So I might as well ignore it for now and see what would happen later- maybe I would have called him if it was about our sweetie anyways…
"Well… is Cadence working today?" Jane nodded about our boss. "Well… I suppose I'd better go talk to him about that I'll have to take time off for quite long in a few months I guess… Jane don't look at me like that I know I save these things until in the very last minute- and I do know that and that but this isn't about me it's about my baby. What is it Jane?"
Jane suddenly looked kind of amused and when she pointed to behind me I understood that someone else had heard what I said. And for some reason I prayed to God it wouldn't be Alexey Nicholson the receptionist because I would never know how he would react! He was like Jane with saying and doing whatever he felt like-only worse!
Turning around there was no doubt about it, I recognized his brown tousled thatch and skinny, tall figure already before I could see him clearly and then faced him where he stood with his mouth wide open, looking from my eyes down to my belly, then up and down again a couple of times more while I felt my heart beating in my ears on how he would react.
"AAAAAAH…" Alexey suddenly shouted happily and ran over to me. Then hugged me from the side as hard as he dared. "AAAAAAAAAH…" I grimaced to Jane when Alexey shouted right into my ear. "Oh sorry C." Wow I could never teach him not to use that silly nickname! "You're GONNA have a BABY?" I shushed him- hopefully the others would think it was some patient and I nodded. "But this and that and… You must be so happy… and so not happy! And… I'm so stupid and AAAAAH!" Alexey finally stopped screaming for a moment. "If you ever need a baby- sitter you know where I am!"
I couldn't help but laugh at the young man who seemed mostly confused and surprised ran out of the room and down towards the reception again- oh well, that guy had always had a way with making people laugh- we were lucky to have him here!
"Well, as I said. First I need to go tell Cadence." I pushed the tissue down into my pocket to throw it later. "Then I guess I'll get back to work. See you later!"
I did in fact go back to work, and even though I knew it was only for a little bit and everything that was going on, it felt kind of good to be doing something again. And so the day turned into night, which turned into night, and then turned into a new day. Which turned into a week- that turned into several weeks that turned into months.
I had read somewhere- and felt myself when I was pregnant with Finn that in the ending of the pregnancy it felt like the time was going way too slowly. And if this was the way it would go between week twenty and week thirty two and a half- I would not be able to know how slow it would go the last seven and a half weeks- and little did I know that there weren't going to be any last seven and a half weeks.
But even though I didn't know the pregnancy would be shorter than what we expected, as soon as Kurt came home I and he would go into town what felt like every other day- or at least the day I didn't work since most of the days I came home from work I would be exhausted and go to sleep, we would be out on town and shopping anything and everything we thought we would need for the baby- in heaps.
Soon our house actually did look like there was a baby coming, already now there stood a crib in mine and Burt's bedroom, I had been bored one day and decided to put the car seat into the car, we had a whole dresser and enough clothes so our sweetie would have for the first ten years of her life- including shoes and in the bathroom cupboard there was piles of diaper and baby oil and whatever else we would need to have.
And suddenly I woke up and realized that I was in week thirty and didn't know where the last ten weeks had disappeared.
"Whoa" Some while later I was in fact at work, standing up and had just been putting an IV on a patient so when I raised all blood rushed from my head and I had to grab onto the frame of the bed as I felt that I would fall. "I'm alright. I'm alright!" The patient- an old man probably old enough to be my granddad frowned and laid his hand on mine in a comforting move. "I… I need to go and do something."
"Jane?" I found my colleague and best friend in the hallway. "Can you come and help me with something?" She nodded and followed me into the examine room "I just… I was dizzy and I'm fine and everything but… I just have this weirdest feeling that something is wrong and I know you're busy and everything but…"
"You want to do an ultrasound?" I nodded and Jane smiled comforting. "It's fine. I'll get the scanner. You wait here. No one ever comes in here anyway." She lowered the blinds. "I'll be back in just a minute. Don't worry I'm sure everything is fine." She left the room and I was left alone in the room and slumped down on a bunk, rubbing over my stomach hoping that just maybe it could make my Sweetie kick or move or anything that would say me she was still alive and well.
"Found it!" I was woken up from my thoughts when Jane came into the room again. "Here we go, shirt up!" I did as she told me and rolled up my shirt, but while she did what she had to I couldn't look at the screen so I just looked away from it- scared of what I might see if I looked at the screen. "And there is the head and the body and… there is the heart! And it's beating strong."
I breathed out finally, my feeling that something was about to go very wrong didn't disappear though, even though it wasn't as strong just now as I saw the screen and my baby's heart beating exactly in the pace and in the way it should I felt the feeling fade- even though I couldn't quite let it go just yet.
"You're around seven and a half months pregnant now are you?" Suddenly Jane frowned and I nodded worriedly. "Okay that means the baby should weight just over two kilos and… I think the baby might be around one, eight kilos… I'm not an expert but it looks so to me. So she might be a little bit too small. Don't worry though it's common and it's usually nothing to worry about." I breathed out again. "Other than that as much as I can see now it's a perfectly strong and healthy baby girl."
"Thanks." The feeling of that something was wrong was back again despite Jane telling me it was nothing to worry about. She didn't answer and looked away for a moment and I dreamed away into my own world for a second
"Do you know what Carole?" Jane woke me up as she turned the scanner off. "Go home. I'll cover for you. "
"No- no I-I'm fine it was just a feeling!"
"I mean it Carole. You're still worried I can tell, and exhausted. Exactly how much did you sleep last night?" I ignored the question, rolled the scrubs shirt down again and stood up- not to have to answer I had barely slept at all because of the baby's kicking. "Go home hon. I know it's not even noon but you need rest. I can call your husband and ask him to pick you up so you won't have to drive."
"No!" I answered her strictly. "I don't want him to worry about me. And speaking about that I don't want you to worry either!"
"Well we need to do it when you haven't got brains enough to worry about yourself."
"Fine!" I gave up, knowing that if I was stubborn it was nothing to how Jane would be when she had decided on something. "But I'm doing it for the baby not for me or you. And if you call my husband I'm gonna kill you very slowly and very painfully!" Jane just laughed and ruffled my hair just in the way she knew I hated so badly. "See you tomorrow then!"
"Don't come in if you're not well."
"See you tomorrow."
I left the hospital and went down into the basement to leave the scrubs and change. And I felt fine despite the fact that I could just as well have lied down on the floor and fallen asleep there and then. But just as I sat down by the steering wheel the nausea hit me and for a moment I was sure I would have to get out of the car and back up to the E. Even though that happened just as it eased again and I could turn the key and drive home.
"Hello." Oh I had forgotten Kurt would be home all day. "Dad? Carole is that you?" Just as he asked he came out in the hallway and I didn't have the time to answer. "Oh hi, I thought you would be working long today. Are you alright? Is the baby alright? Should I call dad?"
"I'm fine, the baby kept me up all night. And my colleague Jane talked me into going home so she would cover for me. I'm just really tired so if you don't mind I'll go to bed, sleep and eat later." Kurt frowned and before I had had the time to say anything else he was over by me and felt my forehead with the back of his hand. "I said I'm fine Kurt."
"I just made lunch if you want…" I shook my head. "Okay, do you want me to come up and keep an eye on you just in case something would happen? No not that either. Well if anything happens you know I'm just in the kitchen or living room so just should alright? It doesn't matter if it's something serious or you just need company. I mean it!"
"I know!" I stated and finally took the last few stairs up at the second floor. "See you later."
As soon as I came inside mine and Burt's- and soon to be also the baby's bedroom I knew I had to sit down or I would fall. So dizzy I started rocking I sunk down onto the side of the bed that was the closest to the door- not really minding about the fact that it was Burt's side and lied down and laid my head down on his pillow.
"Carole?" Oh well… either Burt had come home for lunch today or I was going to kill Jane or Kurt. "Are you alright honey?" I wasn't as dizzy for the moment and had stood up to get something else more comfortable to wear and then sat down and looked out the window. Burt came around the bed and sat down next to me. "Your colleague Jane called me."
"I'm gonna kill her!"
"I'm not." Burt shrugged. "She told me what happened. Are you feeling better?" I forced myself to nod as I knew that if I didn't I would never get to sleep. "She… she also said that there seemed to have been something bothering you the last few weeks. Do you feel like telling me what it is? Oh… Hey…" I had started crying again, silently this time but still with tears rolling down my cheeks. "What is it? You know you can tell me!"
"What if I do it wrong again?" I was too tired to discuss it, and if I didn't get to talk about it I would explode. "What if there is something else that I do or don't do which ends up in something happening to our baby girl? What if it's with Finn and I tell her just one time too little never to cross a road without checking for cars or what if I… don't notice the poisonous mushrooms that keep on growing in our garden every year… what if I…"
"Hey." Burt stroke my cheek and laid the other arm around my shoulders. "Hey, hey, hey… Don't think like that! Honey it wasn't your fault." I closed my eyes and looked away but Burt pulled me closer again. "Accidents happen and sometimes it ends up in the very worst way. I don't know why it happen but I do know one thing for certain and that is that you couldn't have done anything to prevent it okay? And I know one thing more… that if this, or any kind of problems turn up… then we'll have to deal with them then, because there is no point with wasting a whole lot of time worrying for something that might never happen! Now come here honey." He pulled me close to his chest and held me for a long while until I had almost fallen asleep like that and he gently helped me to lie down.
"Do you want me to stay here honey?" I shook my head. "Are you sure… okay! I'll be in my office, you know where I am and you only need to shout." I nodded towards the pillow, and Burt hadn't even left the room before I had drifted off.
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
I woke up from feeling- what I thought were my water breaking. Oh no! It was too early this shouldn't be happening now. "BURT." I shouted and waited for just a couple of seconds to wait andh hear if he heard me. "BUUUUUURT ah." I tried to stand up and go downstairs but just as I did it started cramping and I sunk down onto the floor reaching for the button of the lamp on my bedside table while I looked down.
Blood?
Oh f*ck!
I couldn't waste any time on shouting for Burt when he didn't hear me anyway, my phone lied on the bedside table so I reached for it and quickly dialed nine, one, one. "What's your emergency?" Was the first thing said on the other end and I couldn't even speak at first. "Is someone there? What is your emergency?"
"Y- Yes. I'm pregnant and now I'm bleeding and got cramps." I had to almost force myself to go and. "Help, I need an ambulance please…. I can't lose my baby, please!" I heard the woman in the other end trying to speak calmly and calm me down, but still I was only barely "calm" enough to tell her my address instead of just panicking.
Just as I wondered why they were never coming I heard the sirens far away and prayed to God that Burt or Kurt would hear them and realize it was coming here. Just a second later I heard two pairs of feet running up the stairs and even though I was still on the verge of panicking I cried even more when I realized I wasn't going to be alone at least.
"Carole…" The door flew open and my boys walked in and Burt came running over to me and saw the blood. "Oh dear God!"
"I think we're losing her." I cried, and barely even heard that the ambulance was pulling up in our driveway. "I think we're losing her, I think we're losing her." Burt froze for a second, Kurt ran to meet the paramedics and Kurt laid his hands towards my shoulder blades to embrace me as tightly as he dared right now.
"Let's not think like that right now!" I could hear he was trying to stay calm, but his voice was shivering. "Let's not think like that she… she needs to be alright. You need to be alright." The paramedics came running into the bedroom, no time was wasted and at the same time as it felt like everything was moving in slow motion it felt as if everything was moving too fast.
And it hurt! Oh it hurt so badly!
"Carole?" Jane came running up as the paramedics were pushing the gurney I lied on through the hallway towards the emergency room. "Honey… oh God! Oh… It's okay honey…" I could have punched her right in the face! Obviously it wasn't okay I was losing my baby for Christ's sake! And even though I had more important things to think about I mostly just wanted to sink through the floor when all of my colleagues heard that I was here and came running into the trauma room.
Someone had gotten the ultrasound scanner and someone else were taking tests of all of the kinds they were. And even though I knew that the chance was little I prayed to god with my hand in Burt's that it wouldn't be too bad news.
"Carole." Jane suddenly showed up behind Burt. "You have something called placenta abruption." I pressed my eyes closed and hit my head back towards the bunk- nononononono! God let it be something else! "And we need to make a C section… And we need to do it here and now! " God no, No no no no no!
"Is it…" Burt couldn't finish his question. "Could the baby?" Jane didn't need to hear the whole question- she nodded. "Carole… could Carole?" Jane nodded again. I felt something towards my abdomen but I couldn't quite tell what and I couldn't really feel, see or hear anything else until suddenly…
"Why isn't she screaming?" I saw them hold my baby in their hands and quickly walk away with her- but she was all silent. "WHY ISN'T SHE SCREAMING?" I struggled to get up- only wanted to get up and do what it would take to save my baby girl. "NO LET ME UP. LET ME GO I NEED TO SEE MY BABY. I NEED TO SAVE HER I NEED TO SAVE HER!" Burt and Jane held each of my shoulders and each of them pushing me down towards the bunk. "I NEED TO… I need to…"
Suddenly my voice was mixed with the sound of my baby's screaming- and I couldn't help it! Relieved I sunk back towards the mattress and somewhere in between laughed and cried with relief- she was screaming. My baby was screaming!
For someone to scream it would take free airways and well breathing.
My baby girl was alive!
"That's a pair of very strong lungs." James- one of the doctors held my baby in his hands. "Say hello to your baby girl." I couldn't stop laugh- crying all the while, while James carefully walked closer and as he did I could see exactly how incredibly tiny she was and there was just… I couldn't even look at her it would break her!
"What are you doing love?" Burt- whose voice was thick and shivering noticed me looking away. "She's beautiful!" I shook my head. "What?"
"Are you sure it won't break her to look at her? She's so tiny, so fragile." Burt almost started laughing.
"Yes honey, I'm sure you can look at her without her breaking!"
"She's a bit small for the time… actually a lot, I'd say around one, three to one, four kilos." James was carefully walking with our tiny baby girl in his arms. "But she's got strong lungs and I think that she's a perfectly healthy little lady." He finally was up by the bunk and carefully lied our baby girl towards my chest, just so I could feel her tiny little heart beating fast and strong towards my chest.
"Oh Burt…" I could barely speak without my voice breaking. "She's so… She's so beautiful… And…. And I… I think that I have just the right name her but… oh…." I had to take a break because I couldn't say it just yet. "If you don't mind I'd like for Kurt to be here too when I say it." I felt Burt nod towards my head and his tears dripping down into my hair. "Burt? I love you so much!"
"I love you too honey."
Kurt had been supposed to come with the car right after the ambulance, but when Alexey went and checked if he had arrived yet he came back shaking his head. At first I got nervous but so we had a text message a while later saying that something had showed up, that it wasn't serious but that he probably wouldn't be here for another few hours
And still I refused to tell Burt what name I had thought about. Well… that was more about me thinking about the name so I would know perfectly well that it was the right name.
At last, when we sat upstairs in our own room at the NICU, Faith had been put in an incubator and I probably wasn't supposed to be up yet- although I had been allowed to with help walk over to the chair by the window, and for a little while just hold my baby girl in my arms- and I just couldn't stop looking at her.
"Can you see there?" I asked her and pointed up to the skies lit up by starlight. "Do you know who is there? Your brother Finn is there. And you won't always think that he is here but he will! And I'm going to make sure that you know him and that he knows you… I'm also going to make sure that nothing like what happened to Finn happens to you. Do you hear me sweetie? I'll never let anything bad happen to you. And neither will daddy, or your big brother Kurt or his fiancé Blaine, or Finn- we will all keep you very, very safe… oh… Hi Kurt. Come and meet your baby sister."
Kurt had come into the room while I was talking with my baby, and as he walked closer with a brown plush rabbit in his hand I could see tears well up in his eyes. "Oh…" He whispered and kneeled by the armchair I sat in and rubbed his sister's little hand as she continued to sleep peacefully more beautiful than ever. "Oh my God." Kurt laid a hand over his eyes and I carefully moved and patted his hand slightly.
"Here." I moved a bit to the side when Kurt had sat down there by me. "Do you want to hold her for a minute?" Kurt mostly seemed to panic and I lifted her carefully and cleared out the hoses and chords attached to hear ending in big machines that made her seem even tinier. "Oh come on,, just support her body with one arm and her head with your hand and rock her carefully."
"Oh I… I don't think I can do that I…" Kurt did take his little sister in his arms, but he didn't dare to move and just sat still as a statue with Faith in his arms. "Oh she's so tiny… I can't move, I can't… what if I pull something out or…. Or what if I break her?" I couldn't help but laugh slightly- quite ironic considering I barely had the courage to look at her. "Oh she's so tiny!"
"Hey Kurt." Burt had woken up and came walking over to us. "Why so late?"
"Car broke down on the highway and on it went from there!" Kurt said it all forced and pressing as if he wanted to move as absolutely little as he possibly could. "Oh dad she's so… she's so tiny but… but she's so beautiful!"
"I know." Burt laid one hand against my shoulder. "Carole here says she has the right name for her. Now when Kurt is here will you tell us honey?" I nodded just as she started whimpering again and I reached my hands out to take her again, then couldn't answer until she was safely in my arms again.
"I was thinking…" I thought about it one last time before I said it out loud. "I was thinking Faith… Faith Elizabeth Hummel." Burt didn't answer, but leaned his head towards the side of my chair and even though I couldn't see his face I could hear him crying. "What's the matter Burt? Don't you like it because then of course…"
"Like it? Oh… it's the most beautiful name I've ever heard!" He cleared his throat. "A perfect name for a perfect girl but… Elizabeth? Are you sure honey? My…" I nodded, and I knew on the look on his face that he could see I was serious this time. "Oh…" He laid a hand over his eyes and trembled before he removed it again. "Well…" He reached out his hand and took Faith's hand on his finger. "Welcome Faith Elizabeth Hummel. My daughter who will have me totally wrapped around her little finger."
"Everyone's got you wrapped around their little finger dad!" Kurt joked.
"Not everyone, just Faith and you and Carole and Debbie and… okay I believe you!" I laughed. "Faith Elizabeth Hummel." Burt seemed to be tasting the name. "My daughter… and your daughter." He stroke my cheek.
"Faith Elizabeth Hummel." Kurt said in a thick voice. "My sister"
"Faith Elizabeth Hummel." I almost whispered while stroking Faith's cheek. "The perfect missing puzzle piece to… okay maybe our dysfunctional, not so perfect family."
Awwwwwwww…. "Hands tissues to you all" It's now half past four in the morning and I'm finally finishing my project with updating all of my stories in 2015. Have a great year everyone.
And this is my longest chapter ever! I hope you enjoyed it.
David is portrayed by Adam Astill
The things with Kurt and Carole reacting to how small she is- Carole barely dares to look at Faith afraid she's going to break. My grandma did that. And that Kurt does with sitting absolutely still not daring to move because he thinks Faith will break- my sister did that. And yes the baby was me!