Sickfics A to Z

by Linneagb

Title says pretty much it all, ABC series of sickfics. Will do various characters and pairings but mostly Klaine and Barole

23. Wrong

Thenameissnix: Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. But poor Kurt indeed.

Sarah is portrayed by Connie Talbot, and there is a polyvore edit made with her in the collection called 'A to Z' Shawn is portrayed by Jadon Sand, and September by Quvenzhané Wallis. Sarah's family are Edward portrayed by Morgan Gingerich, Andrew by Frank Gingerich, John portrayed by Jacob Hopkins, Thomas by Sam Earle. And those are the brothers and parents Patrick and Lucy Wurrington by Nikolaj Coster- Walau and Leigh Allyn Baker. Theo is portrayed by Alex Pettyfer, Finn by Ty Simpkins and made by LocalXmusicXjellybeanX, Trevor by Davis Cleveland and made by GleeJunkie007. And Olivia by Aubrey Anderson- Emmons and made by me and Ballet fairy. And Dr. James by Stellan Skarsgård

Hey, this chapter is really, really, really long. Like the longest chapter I've ever written- long. And there is a lot going on so I hope you can take it like that. But anyway, I think I'm quite happy with the way it's turning out (Not turned out as when I'm writing this there's still quite a bit left to go. And I'm hoping you like it as much as I do.

Parts of this chapter are briefly based on the song I'm gonna love you through it by Martina McBride. And the song is where the idea of writing this chapter came from.

W is for Wrong

"So." When Theo came into the kitchen he hung up on his phone. "That was Santana, and the doctors have come to the conclusion that Zachary have epilepsy. But he's getting meds, and it's of the kind that should go away before he's turned fifteen." Theo sat down, and I wasn't so sure what to say. I heard his words, but couldn't take them in to understand them.

I just continued sitting there by the table with my head in my hand and stared towards the window. I could see our Finn coming up the driveway in his horse riding gear and heard the door open. Then could see and hear him coming into the kitchen. Where he threw his bag onto the floor and reached for a small bag of potato chips in one of the cupboards.

I usually hated it when he just threw his bag onto the floor like that, especially when he just left it there while he went into his room. Theo went to bring it into Finn's room though. And while he was gone I couldn't help to wonder about what on earth I would tell him. After all, Theo had been staying by my side through everything from our beginning when I was still having nightmares about Finn dying and he had to pull me into his arms while I was screaming for my ex. He had been there through the birth of our Finn when I had literally shouted him in the face that I hated him and that I was going to leave him as soon as it was over. When I wanted to name the baby after Finn Hudson he had just smiled and agreed that it was the perfect name. And when Trevor was born with a C section he had been sitting right by my side and stroke my hair. Told me everything was going to be okay, and I needed him to do it now. Although this time I wasn't so sure.

"Hey." Theo came back into the room and noticed me sitting in the same slouched position as when he had left. And he must have sensed something was wrong because when Olivia shouted he just shouted back that he'd be there in a second while he sat down by me and stroke my back. "What's the matter?"

"Theo I…" I hesitated, then decided to take it from the very beginning. "Just after the fourth of July… I… I found a lump." I gestured towards my breast. "And… And I thought that it would be best if I didn't tell anyone about it because… if it would have turned out to be nothing I didn't want you others to worry about it." My husband had gone pale as a sheet and shouted back to his daughter that he'd be with her in just a second one more time. "But… they did some tests and I had some calls back today." Theo was frowning towards me and while one of his hands held mine. The other one was gripping so hard around the fabric in his jeans the knuckles shined white. "Theo…" He nodded slightly. "I have cancer."

For a few second it seemed like not only Theo and I, but the whole world had gone silent. So silent that if someone dropped a feather you'd be able to hear it touch the floor. In pure surprise Theo had let go of my hand and leaned back towards his back support. His chin had dropped slightly and his eyes were filled with surprise and fear while he looked at me and I felt tears fill up in mine. Another lump formed in my throat, and it was all too fast for me to stop it.

"P- please don't leave me." I had half stuttered, half whimpered before even I had had the time to come up with anything else to say. "Please don't leave me T. Please don't leave me." Theo stood up for a second, he was tall. And tall enough for that when he sunk onto his knees in front of me he could hug me tightly without pulling me down from my chair.

"Sch, sch, sch." He gently hushed and stroke my hair. "It's okay. I won't. Not ever." After a few seconds, he actually did pull me off my chair and into his lap. Where he rocked me gently back and forth. "It's okay." He started humming on a lullaby, the same one as his mum had sung to him when he was little. And the same one he had used to sing all of those nights when the nightmares about Finn were too scary not to be heard.

I silent and snuggled into Theo's soft shirt. It smelled of after shave and grass. He must have been outside and cut the grass in the lawn today. It was March, and I had said just yesterday that it was needed after the winter. But that was yesterday, before I knew what would be going on today. And what the doctor would tell me. So I had forgotten all about it until I smelled that grass and relaxed slightly into his embrace.

"Hello." I raised my head from Theo's chest when I heard a voice I knew very well coming from the hallway. "Anyone home?"

"God!" Theo couldn't help himself. "What is it with that woman she always knows exactly when she's needed?" Just as he'd asked Carole came up in the doorway between the hallway and the kitchen. And right away frowned when she saw how we sat. "What's wrong?" She grabbed a napkin from a basket on the table and sat down on the chair right by us and reached it to Theo who wiped the tears from my cheeks. And Carole seemed worried when she noticed none of us had answered.

"I…" I looked to Theo and had to fight not to break down again. "Carole? Do you think it's possible that you and Burt could take the children at yours tomorrow when they come home from school?" Carole nodded. "Are you sure, it's so fast notice but…"

"Shush honey. Shawn and September are coming over as well and you know how much we love all of them." Shawn and September were children adopted by Kurt and Blaine from two different ways. "But Rachel… What's going on?" I looked up at Theo, and listened so none of the children were in the hallway before I just said it.

"I have cancer."

Carole's chin dropped slightly and her hand fell from my cheek. It felt like hours but probably wasn't more than a few seconds before she lifted her hand again and took mine.

I had grown up with two fathers, I had never really known what I hadn't had since I'd never had it. I only met Shelby very briefly from time to time. And she just wasn't a mum… At least not like Carole was. When a single touch made you want to curl up and cry. Or… well, the way she always knew when she was needed. And knew exactly what to say at all times. Even if it was best for her not to say anything at all. Just like now.

"What's going on?" We heard from the doorway and we all looked up to see Finn standing there with a worried look on his face. "Mum, what's wrong?" I pulled a deep breath and then crawled onto my feet while Theo supported me with one of his hands and then stepped up and laid his arm around my shoulders while I turned to Finn.

"Should I get the others?" I nodded at Carole's question and she turned and walked out of the kitchen. Then we heard her go and get Trevor. Who came right away and frowned when he saw the look on my and Theo's faces. And once again I hated the fact that I would have to put this on the children. I loved them more than I had ever loved anything- and every day I swore to myself that there was no way I could love more than this without my heart just exploding. And for every new day I was proven wrong yet again.

We could hear that Livie had been doing something when Carole came in. Livie wanted Theo to come, and Carole had to tell her several times, more and more strictly to come. Before at last it sounded stricter than I had ever heard Carole before. And it was almost as if she had to fight not to shout or break down herself.

Once again I hated myself, Carole was the one person who had been there through exactly everything. From the day Finn Hudson introduced us to each other. To graduation day, to the day Finn had died. To the day my Finn was born and I wanted her approval to the day. Until the day when Trevor was born, and then when we adopted Olivia while Theo was still ridden by nightmares after his brother's death.

And I hated myself. Truly did hate myself that after every moment that she had been there for me. In exactly the way I needed her. Every time I needed her. And I would be giving her the heaviest burden of them all through this. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew that she would insist on doing one thing after the other. Even if it meant exhausting herself in the process.

"I…" I hesitated. I had already known that the children had to know. But that Finn would be old enough to really know how bad it was. While Trevor would know a bit, but we'd have to explain to him what it really meant. While Olivia was too little to know everything. "I have been to the doctor several times lately. And they found out…" I hesitated and looked to Theo who nodded. "I have a disease… It's called cancer."

Finn gasped, Trevor was looking at me with big eyes and Livie just seemed confused. Finn's eyes filled with tears but as his mum I could almost feel the way he was trying to fight them. And it hurt me worse than ever that I could say nothing to take his pain away. Even more than my own pain. And I would have taken it away from him and taken it myself in the blink of an eye.

It didn't feel right that my pain would mean hurting everybody around me as well. But that it would pass onto my children just felt overall completely wrong in every way. And seeing a single tear roll down his cheek I felt my heart breaking into small, small pieces. But already before I had thought of anything to do Carole had hurried over to him, sat down in between him and Theo and pulled him close.

"It's okay." She whispered and played softly with the young teen's hair. "It's okay honey. Just let it out." Another tear rolled down Finn's cheek and Carole reached for a napkin from a box at the table to wipe it off. "You're okay." Finn sniveled, then pulled away and leaned his head into his hand and I could see on his expression and body language how hard he was fighting the tears away and the lump in his throat down.

"Do you…" A few hours later Carole was still there, and she had come out of Trevor's bedroom. As I thought that as she was a nurse she would be the best to explain these kind of things to Trevor and Livie. "Do you need me to stay here for tonight?" I bit my lip, I didn't want to be too much bother for her. But honestly, it felt like Carole would be the best one to have if one of the children- or I or Theo for that matter would breakdown. But before I had the time to protest Theo had spoken for me.

"Actually, I think that would be great. If you're sure it's not a bother."

"You're never a bother. I just want to…"

Carole was cut off when we heard Finn sobbing wildly in his room. For a moment I wasn't so sure what to say or what to do. Finn was fourteen and perfectly capable of having a choice of which person he wanted there and if he wanted anyone there. But he had solved that problem before I had the time to figure something out.

"Nana?"

The children had never known Shelby, and only met Theo's mum every second year or so since she lived in another part of the world. Carole was the closest thing they had for a real grandma figure. And I couldn't recall them ever calling her anything else then nana. As she kept on insisting she wasn't old enough to be called grandma yet.

"I'll go." Carole whispered, and I and Theo couldn't help to stay right outside the door and with the door slightly opened we could hear every word they said. Even though we couldn't see them in the dark room. "Hey, sch, sch, sch." Finn's bed had a way with creaking even at the slightest move and we heard Carole sit down and Finn crawled onto her lap and sobbed even worse. "It's okay. You're okay." She shushed and comforted gently while we could almost hear the way she played with his hair to calm him down. "Deep breaths honey. Deep breaths. There we go."

"Oh..." Next thing, I flinched when I could hear Finn gagging and there was a movement and then the bed lamp was turned on and we had it confirmed that Finn had thrown up when we could see him sitting lurched forward and sour bile still dripping from his mouth and down onto the sheets. "It's okay honey. You just cried a bit ha… Oh there we go." Finn gagged again, but couldn't bring up anything. "Deep breaths honey. Just relax" She softly rubbed his back as good as she could from sitting in front of him when he gagged yet one more time.

I guessed no one would like to hear or see anyone heave. And especially not your children. But seeing Finn do it. Knowing exactly how hard it was for him bringing up anything at all. How painful that made every single heave and how much he hated it. Upon how I could see his hard grip around Carole's fingers as the fear and nausea wrenched his body I could have stoned myself knowing that all of this was because of me.

Theo, whom I hadn't even noticed had gone off quickly made his way past me holding a pack of tissues, pulling out one and handing it to Carole Finn was once again trying to breathe through a wave of nausea. Once again failing and this time he gagged so hard he was brought to sitting on his knees on his bed.

"Here honey." Carole softly wiped Finn's mouth with the tissue while Theo had run off again and I felt worse and worse about just standing here watching it. Even though it was like no single part of my body was doing what I wanted and I couldn't walk away. "Finished?" She held out her hand and grabbed the glass of water Theo had brought with him coming back. Finn just shrugged. "Come on. Let's get you into the bathroom, clean you up and get rid of that terrible taste okay?"

Carole cupped her hand around another tissue and held it under Finn's mouth while supporting him to walk out of the room and somehow into the bathroom where she gently pushed to sit on the toilet lid and Carole put the water on running and Finn leaned forward and drank water right from the crane.

"You know I'm fourteen. I could do this myself."

"Don't even try it young man."

Finn looked up at Carole and I could see their eyes meeting. However. It was what he said next and not the look in his eyes that was what scared me to death, while it broke my heart that he would only have to question it.

"Nana? Is mum going to die?"

"You know…" Carole's voice sounded just as calm and comforting as it always did when someone needed it to. "…No one ever knows if we are going to live or die through another day. I could step in front of a truck tonight when I'm on my way to get some things. And then it would all be over. But we can't live every day in fear that today or this week or this month would be the time for us to go. So we only think about here and now and… Finny, look at me… And right here and now I'm here, and you're here. And mum's here and we both love you. And no matter what happens that is never going to change. So… with all of that. We just need to take one day at the time and see what happens yeah?"

"Nana?"

"Yes?"

"I love you too."

It went silent again, and I stepped away from the door so I wouldn't be able to hear or see them unless they spoke loud. I sunk down on the bench in the hallway and moved my hands against each other. I tried not to shake, but sitting there alone just made me feel so lonely while Theo was running back and forth changing the sheets on Finn's bed.

"You look exhausted. " When Carole came back from getting some clothes and stuff from her house I was still sitting on that bench. Now along with Theo who held his arm around my shoulders. "Go to bed Rach. You can go to Theo. I'll stay up until Trevor and Finn have gone to bed too." I sighed- but was too tired to protest or even thank her so I just stood up. And despite everything, with the exhaustion of everything that had happened. I just fell into bed and felt Theo spreading the covers over me. As I had been too tired to even do that.

I had never been afraid to fall asleep. At least not except for when Finn had just died and every single night was ridden by him calling out for me, his face and big smile. And then him being ripped away from me yet one more time. Over and over and over again every single night.

But somewhere between Theo putting the quilt over me and I blacked out. I felt a weird kind of fear that I couldn't even recognize. I wasn't afraid of falling asleep. But of waking up. And I was afraid of waking up in the same misery that I had fallen asleep. But I was too exhausted to fight it. And so I just dozed off.

"We do know that we have caught it at a relatively early state. But we want to treat it as soon and as aggressively as possible. And I've checked over the schedules and we'd like you to start tomorrow." My Doctor, his name tag reading Dr. J. James was telling me the next day and I shivered. "Yeah, I know that sounds no fun at all. But now we want to fight this don't we?" I didn't answer him. "So, we'll do five rounds of chemo during the next four months. Then check it, and if we aren't happy with the progression then we might go with surgery. Followed by four or five more rounds of chemo during the following five months. And then take new x-rays and see if we need to do something else." I nodded. "Of course, as you probably know chemo can have loads of side effects like nausea, vomiting, loss of hair and weak nails, exhaustion." He grabbed a flyer from a shelf on the wall. "You can read through this if you want to know more. And as we always suggest, don't Google on it please. Then you'll only find the very worst." I nodded- I already knew everything about this. "The rounds of chemo are between one and four days and you will get a break of about two weeks in between. This first round starts tomorrow, which means that tomorrow you come here and go into that room over there…" He pointed with his pencil. "…And that is going to last for about two hours while the one the day after tomorrow will be shorter." He sighed. "Be here about nine in the morning. So… I guess that's everything for now. Any questions?"

I kept silent, just shook my head slightly. It felt like only a minute ago I had had a million different questions. But right now I couldn't think of one. And I mostly just wanted to go home and collapse into my bed. And Dr. James smiled at me, fixed with his papers. Handed me some whatever brochures and then let us leave.

On the way from the hospital Theo was driving. And we were both quiet. There didn't seem to be anything left to say. And just quietly Theo held my small, cold hand in his big and warm. Only letting go to gear and putting on the blinkers. Then he suddenly pulled over onto the curb and turned the motor off before he turned to me.

"I don't think I'm strong enough for this."

The whisper had escaped my throat before I had had the time to stop it. And despite it barely being more than a breath Theo sat close enough to hear it and he leaned over to my seat and embraced me. Theo's hugs could usually felt like it made everything better. But it didn't this time. And I wasn't so sure if anything could.

Well, that would be unless Dr. James called me up and told me this had all been a mistake and I was all healthy and alert. But even though I kept on having a feeling that this couldn't be real. This wouldn't happen to me. Cancer only happened to other people. I was thirty six for Christ's sake! People who got cancer they were… well, old.

"Well." Theo finally moved away a bit, but kept a hand towards my back. "I know you can. I'll know that you can even when you don't. And if you're not against all odds…" He leaned closer, and whispered into my ear. "Then I'm strong enough to carry you."

"Theo?"

"Mhm."

"If they have to... like Dr. James said… remove my… breasts."

"Mhm."

"Will you still love me? And will you still love me when all my hair falls out from chemotherapy?" Theo froze, then leaned back and stared into my eyes for a few seconds. Then sighed and embraced me again, even harder than before he let go, leaned back slightly and then gave me an answer.

"Love… Why would you even wonder about that? I will love you, now and forever. Nothing is ever going to change that and… my love for you isn't in your breasts or in your hair. My love for you is exactly everything you do. And everything in you. My love for you is for the way your eyes are just sparkling when Livie gives you another hideous drawing and you have to pretend it's great and beautiful. My love for you is how passionate you sound singing a song you love or the way you slam the doors when you're angry. My love for you is your touch, your heart, your personality. And yes, I fell for your looks very much. But no matter what happens, and no matter how it changes. I will still be here. And I will love you. I will love you do you hear me? Until the day I die."

Theo just always knew the way to make me smile. And even now I couldn't help to smile slightly. Before I kissed him, and then leaned my head on his shoulder. We must have been sitting like that for almost an hour. Just sitting like that, letting the silence and hearts speak the words we wouldn't be able to. Until we realized they were pretty worried about where we had gone now, so I sat up again, and Theo steered out on the road and hit the gas.

We went to get the children at Burt and Carole's. It took some talking and arguments from my side for Theo not to leave me at home for resting and getting ready for tomorrow. But I just wanted to keep on doing everything like normal and when we came to the crossroad, we turned in the opposite direction than which one we lived in.

"Oh crap." Theo stated suddenly. "Crap, crap, crap, crap." I just continued looking up at him. "Eurgh! I can't miss work tomorrow." My stomach clenched. "I might get fired if I do because… crap! Crap! Crap! Well because my boss is a jerk and this meeting is very important for what I'll do in the future. Heck, I'll just quit work. I hate it anyway and you are far more important than any meetings."

"No," I protested hoarsely as soon as he silent. "I won't be able to work for God knows how long. We need your work to pay for all kinds of hospital bills. You don't have to come with me." Theo didn't look pleased, but didn't protest against what I said as we got out of the car and up to the house. And just as we opened the door I could hear Finn coming down the hallway and he met us already in the hallway with a worried expression.

"What did they say?"

"Ehrm…" It took me a few seconds to figure out what he had said and how to respond. "Finn, honey. Can you get Liv and Trevor and we'll go…. I'll ask Carole where we can get some privacy. We might as well tell you right away." I didn't have to ask Carole- she had come out in the hallway when she heard us coming and without a word she smiled comforting at me and showed us to come after her upstairs and into Finn's old room. "Carole maybe…" She was on her way out just as Trevor and Liv came and where Theo had sat down on the foot of what had once been Finn's bed the young girl crawled up in her daddy's lap. "Could you stay?"

"Of course honey." I sat down next to Theo and Carole closed the door, but stayed on her feet holding one hand on Finn's shoulder where he sat in the desk chair and his leg was moving up and down in the way he made it do when he was nervous or restless. And the other hand on Trevor's shoulder where he stood and only nervously looked at from me to Theo and back several times before I started talking.

"Well… The doctor said that… And you all know that this is… a disease that is very… bad and… Theo can you take the rest." Theo looked down- more down than I had ever seen him before and I felt terrible. The fact that I had done this to him after all he had done for me just felt wrong. I was such a terrible person. And that feeling only grew worse when he nodded and rubbed my back slightly.

"It is a very bad disease but. Your mum's going to get some meds that are even worse to fight the disease. And during some days, usually a number of days in a row she will go to the hospital and then during a number of days she will stay home. And… When she does get the meds…" I bit my lips not to cry, but it didn't help much. "She will feel really ill. And get very sick. So there will be times when I or mum won't be able to be there for you as much as usual. But we will do our very best to be. And also, it will make her hair fall out, and she will get tired and such things. So you will have to stay quiet and calm when she's not feeling well. Okay?" Finn, Trevor and Livie all nodded. But didn't say anything. "And the doctors will give Rachel medicines as fast as possible. So they'll start tomorrow." By now the tears were running down my cheeks faster than what I could stop them. "Maybe… Carole, I can't come with her. And I don't want to be a burden or anything. But I don't think she should go alone. Maybe you could?" I sighed. I didn't want anyone to come with me. It was wrong of me to put a burden on them like that!

"Of course." Carole said, just as calmly as she ever said anything. "And don't worry. You're no burdens. In any way." She gave a slight, comforting smile but it still seemed kind of forced. "What time is it?"

The next day when I sat next to Carole in the waiting room, I was bobbing my leg up and down just as Finn used to. I had never used to do it before but the stress seemed to have caught me too. We were almost alone in the room, except for a little boy who sat on his mum's lap with an IV in his arm and leaning back tiredly against his mum. And an old woman with what I guessed was her husband.

"Don't worry Rach." Carole squeezed my hand. "There's no point with worrying before we're there." She smiled comforting. And a nurse appeared in the doorway between the department and the waiting room.

"Rachel Bailey?" I looked to Carole, then. Without another word we both stood up. "Come with me." The nurse turned around and we walked after her into a room where there stood two arm chairs, one which was taken and I sat down into the other one. "Well, I'm Jess. And…" She went through all the questions and I answered them all callously. "So, I'll get your IV. Don't go anywhere." I nodded. Then looked around the room before she came back.

In the chair next to the one I sat down into sat a girl, she could have been six, maybe seven. Wearing a pair of tights printed from something from the movie frozen, a way too big hoodie with 'San Diego' written on it, pink cozy socks and a blue cap with a white thread sown around it. A PE bag printed with something from Frozen hung on the chair, which was big enough for her to look tiny in.

She had pulled the rolling table towards her and was sitting on a few pillows to reach up so she could play with her plastic horses. On the table also stood a box of Nutella to go, everything about the girl just seemed so normal. Just like any little girl should have looked like, but it wasn't. A sick bag laid on the table just by her toys, and there stood an IV pole right by her with a hose that went through a needle into her arm. And she was pale, and skinny. And despite the beanie it was clear that she was bald.

Or maybe it was only clear to me since I knew where I was.

"Are you okay so far?" Carole asked and sat down on a stool in between our arm chairs. "Do you need anything?" I shook my head carefully just as a nurse came in and sat down on the other side of me from Carole. Carole gestured something to her and showed me to look at her while she started explaining what would happen, but interrupted herself when I started crying- again!

"Hey." She stroke a tear away from my cheek. "Rachel! It's okay. Let's just take here and now and hey…" She took my hand and looked me into the eyes. "You're going to beat this! But… now is just here and now. Okay?" I nodded. "Okay, now you'll feel a little sting when the nurse puts in the needle in your arm." I didn't hesitate, I had a huge fear of needles and I quickly pulled my arm away. But before either the nurse or Carole had had the time to say anything I heard a small child's voice from behind Carole.

"It's okay." Carole turned her head to look and rolled her chair a bit backwards so that she could see us both. "It doesn't hurt at all." I felt the nurse taking a careful grip of my arm again but didn't look away from the girl. "You're new here! I'm Sarah. Sarah Wurrington." She looked to Carole. "Are you her mum?" Carole smiled and shook her head. "Well, then what are your names and who are you?"

"My name is Rachel Bailey." I told Sarah.

"And I'm Carole Hudson- Hummel"

"Who are you if you aren't her mum?"

"Well." Carole hesitated a bit. "It's a long story." Sarah just took one of those sticks, dipped them in the Nutella and leaned back.

"I've got time."

"Carole has a son named Finn." I started. "And I and Finn used to be really, really good friends." I reached up my hand and touched the charm of my necklace- one heart for Finn, and one heart for Theo. "And yeah. That wasn't a really long story." Sarah smiled and didn't seem to mind. She just leaned her head a bit backwards while I turned to look at the IV whose fluid was slowly dripping down into the chord and into my body.

I turned my head and looked out the window, or as I could for a while mostly seeing the tops of the trees and the skies. But did it silently for a while and didn't pay much attention either to what was going on inside or outside of the hospital. When I turned my attention back into the room I sat in Sarah had fallen asleep. Carole draped her own jacket as a blanket around her but the young girl didn't even flinch. And while no words were spoken in between us. I and Carole both knew looking to Sarah that it may be wrong that I, mother of three would get cancer at my age. But it was a hundred times more wrong that Sarah had gotten it, and our hearts were both breaking for the skinny little figure curled up in that hospital arm chair.

I dozed off myself for a moment. But woke up with a start only from hearing Carole moving from my side and when I looked up I could see her standing with her palm rubbing Sarah's back, she had woken up and was paler than ever in a way that any parent would have learnt how to recognize.

"It's okay." Carole said in a low voice and reached for the vomit bag that laid on the table by Sarah. "It's okay honey, just relax." Sarah heaved just as Carole held the bag in front of her. "Oh, there we go sweetie. Sch, sch, sch. It's okay." Carole continued talking comforting to the young girl. Sarah just continued heaving and soon she was left with nothing left to throw up and one dry heave after the other wrenching her fragile form. "It's alright. It's okay."

After what felt like it must have been hours Sarah lurched forward one last time and was left panting shallowly and sweaty. But at least she wasn't throwing up anymore while she leaned back towards the back of her chair and looked down on the jacket that had fallen down and laid across her thighs.

"I got sick on this one." She fingered towards the fabric while Carole could hand the bag to a nurse and wiped her own hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." Carole threw the napkin in the trash and stroke Sarah's hair. "I really didn't mean to. Don't be angry with me please."

"I'm not angry." Carole assured her. "I'm not. You can't help it, and that jacket can be washed. No harm done." Sarah had started crying. "Do you want to come here?" Carole patted on her lap and Sarah nodded. "Okay then. Come here." She carefully wrapped her arms around Sarah's trembling figure and lifted her onto her lap. Where she held her continued in her embrace and softly shushed while rocking from side to side. "Do you feel better now?" Sarah nodded slowly. "Do you…" Carole hadn't finished the sentence when the door opened and a tall, big- grown man came into the room seeming kind of tense. And his tux and neck tie didn't seem to fit in right here.

"Come on Sar." He put Sarah's plastic horses in her bag and took the candy in one hand. "Time to go home." The nurse was just there to pull that IV needle out of Sarah's arm. "Thank you nurse. Come on now, mum's making dinner so we need to get home." Sarah didn't move from where she sat, then the man- obviously her dad lifted her out of Carole's lap. "Okay, come on then." Without another word he took a vomit bag from a hanger on the wall and left the room. Without as much as a glance to neither me, nor Carole.

"What a nice man!" Carole said ironically, folded her jacket and put it on the floor. I was too tired to take in what she had said and still barely felt it when she moved her hand upwards towards my forehead and over my hair. "Are you okay? Do you need something?" I shook my head carefully. "Are you sure?" I nodded. "Okay then, try to get some sleep honey. I can see you're tired." I leaned my head back, but didn't close my eyes. The medicine was starting to make me nauseas, but only in that annoying way when you're really nauseas but can't throw up.

Carole took my hand and held it, just held it. I tried to smile at her, to show my gratefulness. But it didn't end up more than a half-hearted grimace and I probably looked even more miserable because she rubbed my hand with her thumb and I lifted up my other hand towards the back of my head and tugged the hair a little.

"Don't worry honey." She told me. "It's not going to fall off just yet." I nodded, I knew that. I had just wanted something to do. And something good to rely on. "Do you wait until it does or should we get Theo to shave it all off?" She raised an eyebrow at me and I took a moment to wonder leaning my head back.

"I think I'd rather get Theo to shave it all off."

"Okay, here we go." Theo put the shaver on and it started buzzing just after I had come home. And I tried to ignore the sound and how it felt when he used it to make my hair fall out in big tresses. "You're doing great honey. Just keep still like that." I closed my eyes and couldn't help to let a few tears escape. "It's okay." I was starting to feel more and more nauseas but still felt like I could wait. "And… that's it. Whoa."

Just as Theo told me it was done I shot forward over the sink and threw up. "Okay, okay." Theo put the shaver away and started rubbing my back. "Just breathe honey, you're okay." Breathe? Well that was easier said than done and for what felt like hours and hours I hung over the sink with him rubbing my back and comforting me with his voice. "It's okay." At last I could weakly turn the water on running again and lean back. "Finished?" I nodded, although every move was weak and shaky. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

"Come on then love." I had an arm around T's shoulders when I stood up and he grabbed a bucket with one of his hands before we moved slowly out of the bathroom, through the hallway and up the stairs. "One step at the time." I closed my eyes for a split second and took another stair. "That's it. Good girl. Only one more step."

Leaning heavier than ever against my husband I took the last stair up onto the second floor. And then, still concentrating on one single step at the time we got into the bedroom. And thankfully my side of the bed was the closest to the door and only three steps until I could lay down and sunk into the mattress and pillow while Theo spread the covers over me.

"You can leave…" It was a whimper, barely more than a whisper. "…I just want to sleep." Theo stood kneeled by my head with his face only a few centimeters away from mine. "Please T. I really just want to be alone." I looked right into his eyes, hoping that he would see that I was actually telling him the truth. And it seemed that he did, because he slightly touched my forehead with his lips. Stood up and backed away from me.

"You've got the bucket right there." He pointed with his whole hand. "I'll come in with a glass of water. Just holler if you need anything else or you don't feel good or anything." I nodded as much as I dared to without getting dizzy and Theo turned towards the door. And before he had come in with that glass of water, I was far gone in my sleep. And actually, I haven't slept for that long since… well, ever since I could remember actually.

I woke up that night. And it didn't take me many seconds to realize why. I had rolled out of Theo's warm embrace. And onto the side of the bed where I laid almost on the edge, with my covers kicked down and barely over me and shivering uncontrollably. I reached for the covers but couldn't find the energy to reach all the way down and was left lying shivering from head to toe. Making as much sound of it as possible hoping to wake Theo up.

"Mum?" Theo was still sleeping like a rock when I had made enough sound to wake Finn up and he came tip- toeing into the doorway to the hallway and our room. "What's wrong?" I was on my way of telling him nothing. But he was already tip- toeing over the floor and pushing a hand over my forehead just like I used to do for- and should still be doing for him

"F-F-Finn. Wa- ake up- p The-eo ple- ease." The grinding and shivering was making it hard to speak. But I could do it enough for Finn to understand what I was saying as of a miracle and he quickly ran around the bed while Trevor also got out of bed and drowsily stopped in the doorway looking to me. "I- It's okay hon-ey- ey." I tried to calm him down, but he looked more worried by the second and Finn was trying to get life into his dad.

"Dad. Dad." Finn whispered and while I was still shivering I fought to sit up and sit on the edge of the bed and Trevor came and crawled up next to me and embraced me. "Dad." Theo drowsily looked up. "Dad, something's wrong with mum!" Right away Theo shot up and crawled over on my side while Finn came running around again.

"What's wrong love?" Theo whispered, but I could still hear the worry in his voice. "Do you need something? Water? Should I get a bucket? Or some Zofran?" I managed to shake my head and Theo took my hand. "My god love." He almost flew onto his feet and pulled the shirt of his flannel pyjamas off. "You're freezing. Here, Finn. Sit down on mum's other side okay." Finn didn't say anything, but came sitting by me on the other side from Trevor while Theo wrapped his big shirt around my small form. "Here." He pulled my covers around the three of us. "I'll be right back." He disappeared out into the hallway and out of our sights. But I could hear him continue down the stairs and into the kitchen.

The boys sat close towards me, in both of their embrace they gave a bit of their body heat to me. But not enough, and I continued shivering cold when I heard Theo's heavy steps up the stairs, through the hallway and into the room with a steaming cup in his hands.

"I'm so cold." I whimpered. Theo showed the boys to move away and with loads of struggling with the covers they could move away, before Theo crawled up behind me with his legs on either side of me and his hands held in front of me, he had put the cup on the bedside table not to accidentally pour it all over us.

Finn and Trevor moved closer again and I almost started crying again. How could I deserve all of this with everything I was doing to them in this very now? I could just hope that none of them were thinking like that while Theo asked Trevor to hand him the cup and then held it up in front of me.

"Tea, lovely. Drink a bit. It will help warm you up." I didn't question him. But slowly and carefully sipped from the cup. I didn't dare to reach for it myself. With my hands shivering like this I would get the hot beverage over all of us. And just make it all worse. "That's it hon." Theo held the cup up and I could feel the heat spread all the way out into my fingertips. And for every second, as it spread into my shivering form. I leaned heavier and heavier back towards Theo's chest. And so fell asleep, surrounded by the love of my husband and sons.

When I woke up Finn and Trevor were sleeping leaned against me. But Theo was still awake, and after remembering that today it was time for yet another round of chemo I loosened myself from the grip of my two sons and carefully laid them down to continue to sleep in my bed. But as the morning sun hurt my eyes I had to turn my head away from Theo.

"Have you been sitting like that all night?" Theo didn't answer, but I knew what it was. "I'm sorry I made you do that honey. I didn't mean to wake any of you up." I got up on shaky legs and Theo crawled over the bottom of my bed carefully not to wake anyone. Then came over to me and helped me keeping steady while walking out into the hallway, where he scooped me up and carried me down the stairs.

"I know you didn't." He answered me tiredly. "But I'd do it all over again." He didn't put me down until we were in the living room. Then he carefully put me towards the cushions, grabbed the biggest and softest blanket he could find and wrapped it around me. "What was it Carole said about eating before? Salt and clear fluids." I moaned- I certainly did not feel like eating. "I'll get what I can find of that then."

I didn't have the energy or the heart to protest against him. So when he came back with a glass of juice and peanuts I just silently ate and drank as much as I could. Very, very slowly. And with every bite feeling so I wouldn't get nauseas. Theo seemed to know the struggle I had. He sat down and let me lean back against his chest. And then tenderly stroke my hair while I chewed and swallowed mechanically.

"Hi Rachel." Also this time, when I came into the hospital Sarah sat in the chair next to the one which was going to be mine and I sunk down into it and smiled at the young hospital patient. "Do you want to play with the horses with me?" She gestured to her table where she had put up a collection of plastic horses. But I shook my head slightly.

"Not today Sarah, maybe another day."

If this had been Livie, or several other young girls I knew they would have protested and nagged me until I had given in and would play with them. But Sarah seemed to sense my exhaustion and nodded before she turned back to her horses and I heard she talked almost low enough for me to hear it to make voices for them.

"Theo." I looked up at Theo who nodded. "Can you sit with me?" Without making a sound he came over and while I stood up on shaky legs that threatened to give in for me he sat down and then took me on his lap. I leaned my head against his shoulder but not two seconds later the nurse came in and I buried my face in his shirt and tried to keep myself from hyperventilating while the needle was put into my arm.

"Sch, sch." Theo spoke softly into my ear. "It's okay. You're okay." He stroke my upper arm, and when I looked up again. The nurse had gone and Sarah was sitting leaning back in her chair with a pale smile on her lips looking to me and Theo. "You must be Sarah!" Sarah nodded. "Yeah, Rach told me all about you."

"Are you her boyfriend?"

"Wrong!" Theo didn't care about the teasing tone in her question. "I'm her husband. Are you feeling alright honey?" I nodded towards his chest. "Are you feeling alright?" He turned towards Sarah. Whom didn't have the time to answer before the same man in tux as last time came into the room. "And who is that? Because you don't seem to belong in the hospital."

"I am Patrick Wurrington and I'm Sarah's father." Without another word he put Sarah's things in her bag. Pulled it onto his bag and pulled her with him. It was just that in the fast move, Sarah choke and threw up. "Oh… Sarah!" Mr. Wurrington moaned. "On my best clothes. Again? You have a sick bag right there." He grabbed it and threw it to his daughter. Who didn't have the time to hold it before she threw up again. "Use it!" Sarah started crying loudly. "Now stop that. You're eight years old, you're a big girl and big girls don't cry." Sarah cried even louder, and we heard her continue doing so while Mr. Wurrington took her in one hand and a new bag in the other before pulling her after him.

"What a jerk!"

I couldn't do else then agree with Theo as I leaned my head back against Theo's chest. He kept silent, but I could sense his distress. And I couldn't help but feeling it myself. What on earth was it with this Patrick Wurrington that made me feel so worried?

I wasn't going to get an answer to that. At least not today, and I forced myself to think about today and me. And while leaning into Theo's embrace and hearing him softly humming on that lullaby. I could relax for the first time in only God knows how long.

"So." Barely half an hour after they had put the needle into my arm the nurse came in again. "That is it for today. Now, you get the next ten days off and then come back here. For now you're free to go." I nodded and waited for him to pull out the needle and he gave me a box with pills. "Zofran, against nausea." I nodded, I had gotten them before- but doubted that they were going to do more good now than during both of my pregnancies and the first round of chemo, so I just thanked him and stood up. And right away felt my legs buckle under me.

"Whoa." Theo's strong arms caught me before I'd had the chance to fall. "It's okay love. Do you want me to carry you?" I shook my head, slowly. If I did it too fast I'd get dizzy. "Okay, then we do it this way." He put my arm around his waist and I held tightly onto his shirt while he had his arm around me and one hand under my arm on the other side from him. While the other one held my hand steady to his side.

We walked through the ER on the way back to the car, Carole came running in her nurse scrubs and supported me on the other side. I hated doing this to them. For them all to worry, and I didn't say another word through getting into the car, or the ride home. I had felt quite okay during the time at the hospital. Even though feeling my stomach going in knots and the weakness. When we came home, I slowly got inside and sat down by the kitchen table just as the children came downstairs to check on us. Theo ran to get something, but just as he had left I felt my stomach churn and the nausea creeping up my throat. Quickly!

"Theo I…" I tried shouting, but my body wouldn't let me do that. And then, just as I had lost my concentration on not throwing up for a second I heaved, threw a hand over my mouth which didn't help much when threw up right on Finn's shirt. "Oh, honey I… I am…" I didn't get finished apologizing before I heaved again- looking down onto the floor this time. "…I am… THEO." I wouldn't have had to shout. Theo was already running here with a bucket in one hand and a towel in the other. And before I heaved again he held the bucket under my chin.

"I, I." I didn't get any further with what I was trying to say before I had to lean my head down into the bucket and continued heaving. I couldn't look up, but in the corner of my eye I could see that Finn didn't move. And felt and heard that while Theo held the bucket and comforted me with his voice. Trevor had come out of nowhere and was rubbing circles on my back.

In a split second between two heaves I looked up again and could see Finn standing there. His shirt was soaked, but he managed to smile through that and the worried look in his eyes and on his whole body to comfort me. Then I looked back at Trevor who did the same and was on my way to look at Theo when I had to lean forward and start heaving again.

"It's okay." When I could finally sit up and Theo had sent of Trevor to get another bucket while he cleaned out the one I was already holding Theo stroke my head. "It's okay. You're okay love." I closed my eyes for a brief moment. And wished for it all to go away and for at least this day to be starting from the beginning when I saw the look in Finn's eyes.

"I am so sorry honey. I didn't mean to get it all over you." Finn was gesturing towards me and obviously wanted to interrupt several seconds before he actually did. "No, no. I'm sorry. I'm your parent and should be making sure such a thing doesn't happen. What do you want to say honey?" I silent at last and Finn sighed.

"It's okay mum." He said, but couldn't cover up the shakiness in his voice. "You can't help it." I tried to smile comforting at him and Theo sent him off to change his clothes. "The clothes can be washed." He sighed and then left the room while I leaned back towards my husband and finally breathed out.

"I don't want to do this anymore." I whispered. But Theo could still hear me and he kissed the top of my head. And I could feel his worry and tension while he took the bucket and went to clean it out when Trevor came back with another one. "I am so sorry honey." Trevor didn't answer. And I leaned back towards the back of the chair and my head against my middle son's chest. "I shouldn't be putting this on you."

"It's okay mummy."

"EW MUMMY. EW!" Livie had come into the room while Theo was cleaning the floor. "Disgusting!" I leaned my head against the plastic edge of the bucket. I didn't have the energy to answer her and Theo had stopped in the middle of a movement. "Daddy? Why did you let mummy do this? On the floor and on Finny?" I let a slight whimper escape my throat, and Theo had had enough.

"Go to your room Livie." He said in a quite forced tone. I knew how hard it was for Theo to be strict with Olivia. And how hard it was for him to get angry at all. But right now, he seemed so tense I had a feeling it was between showing his anger, or exploding.

"But I haven't done anything wrong."

"NOW." I flinched. I had never heard Theo use that tone- to anyone and certainly not to Olivia. I tiredly looked up and towards Olivia. "Olivia Ling Bailey go to your room. Right now!" I looked up towards Theo who was as good as trembling in front of me. "I SAID NOW." Olivia sighed and stomped her foot. "NOW" Theo's voice was going more angry- sounding for each tone. And even Livie seemed to understand it was serious when he had even used her full name. But it didn't keep her from using her usual spoilt behavior.

"I wish my real mum and dad were here." She hung her head, but I knew it was fake- Olivia couldn't even remember her real parents and right now it was only for Theo not to be angry with her. That man was still looking sternly towards his daughter, with his lips hard together and pointing towards the hallway Olivia finally turned around and stomped down the hallway before she slammed the door as hard as she possibly could.

"It's okay." When I couldn't say anything about Livie's behavior until I had to lean my head down the bucket again Theo seemed to temporarily at least let go of what had just happened and he sat down next to me and took one of my hands and rubbed it with his thumb. "You're okay love. You're okay." I looked up at him slightly. But only for a split second before I had to turn my head downwards while the first dry heave for this round wrenched my body. "It's okay. You're okay. Just relax. Sch, sch, sch. Just relax love."

I gripped hard in Theo's fingers with one of my hands and the other in the edge of the bucket with the other. One painful heave after the other caused my whole body to tremble. And whatever Theo would have said right then would have been wrong. While I couldn't do else than let my body fight against the medicine that had been pumped into my system and at last bringing up only sour bile that burned in my mouth and made blisters in my gum burn like fire.

"Make it stop." I whimpered when I could finally catch a break. "Can't you please make it stop?"

Theo couldn't make it stop and I knew that perfectly well. And I knew questioning it was breaking his heart. But I couldn't help myself before I had to look down again and only brought up more bile. It was disgusting! But there was nothing I could do than to let this go the way it was gonna go. Even if it meant throwing my guts up.

"There, there." Hours later. When I had at last been able to have a tiny little sip of water without throwing up for half an hour Theo led me to the living room sofa and tucked me in. "Love. I just need to go out for a minute. I swear I'll be back in just a minute. Finn…" Theo stood up, he said something to Finn about keeping an eye on me but I was too tired to protest against his leaving. Or to even hear everything they were saying. And while Theo left, Finn sat down right by me and took my hand.

One wave of nausea hit me after the other and I crouched where I laid. Finn was softly humming on the lullaby his dad always used to and for a moment it hit me exactly how much my Finn was alike with his namesake. And if I hadn't been so tired I would have completely broke down. Now there was nothing else I could do though, but to lean back against the cushions and let the tears slowly fall from my eyes to my cheeks, to the pillow under my head. Because I was just too tired to even fight them. And for the first time I could feel in my whole body. That there was something seriously wrong with me, something evil. That could break me down in the cruelest ways. But I didn't say anything, not either when Livie came back into the living room and stroke my head from where she stood.

"I'm sorry mummy." Her voice was shaking. "I didn't mean to." I closed my eyes, I had expected this to come sooner or later. But I couldn't fight enough to make my voice heard. Hoped that my eyes looking into hers would speak the words I couldn't. While I couldn't look up for more than a few seconds before I had to look down and sink back towards the pillow again just as I heard Theo's car drive up in front of the house and his footsteps before he came into the room.

"Come on, we need to…" Theo didn't explain where we were going. He just simply lifted me up still wrapped in that blanket and carried me out into the car before he got into the driver's seat and drove away from our yard. He just drove a few blocks away and leaning against the window I had a feeling about where we were going watching what directions he took. At last, I was proved right when he steered up on the driveway to Burt and Carole's house and then got around the car to lift me up again.

Theo didn't say anything while he carried me into the house but softly asked if I could sit up coming into their kitchen. I nodded and he put me down onto one of the kitchen chairs. Then looked to Carole, to Burt who looked a bit tense standing a bit away from us others. And then down at me before he sighed and said what he needed.

"We think that it would be the best if you maybe lived with Burt and Carole until this part is over." Theo too my hands and sat down in front of me. "As you know, children have a way with catching bus and even if they're not ill they get it with them from school. So we think it would be the best if you got away from that during the worst treatment. But it's only for your best."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I asked weakly, Theo let show one of his most comforting smiles. Lifted me up carefully, sat down himself and then put me down in his lap.

"Oh. My love, of course not." He kissed my forehead. "We're just trying to work out what's best for you. And I promise you I'll visit every day. And I'll even bring the kids over every once in a while but I think that right now the best place for you is where there are no children to pass any whatever bugs onto you. Okay?" I nodded towards his chest while he wrapped his arms around me. "But I'm not going to leave you. Not in any way, okay. And I'll bring you… anything you want. Come on, I'm British so there's probably something I can bring." I laughed slightly- even though Theo had been able to train most of his London accent away, he could never let his British sides go. "Tea or whatever. Is there something I can get from home to you now?" I shook my head. "How about some clothes? I suspect that you don't want to go naked to the hospital and I know that to prevent infection you should switch clothes often." I couldn't help but laugh- my husband and his stupid humor! "That's my girl." I wiped the tears. "We're absolutely not trying to get rid of you. We just want to make what's best for you and… what's best for you is to only think about you… Okay?"

"Theo?"

"Yes?"

"I love you and the children so very much."

Theo kissed my forehead again, and took my small hands hard in his big. But he didn't say anything and I was happy with that. This moment would only be destroyed by words. No matter how wise. And then he hugged me tightly. And left after giving me a bag with sheets- very, very special sheets. Something he had bought to put in his dorm in New York ages ago when we first met and was on Broadway. Back then when dreams were big like America, and thoughts about tomorrow smaller than… say a small country… than Sweden! Then he had went home to London for a few weeks, and brought back two pairs of sheets- one with print by Big Ben and reading 'London' and the other with the British flag. And looking down into the bag and seeing them that had been stuffed into the back of the wardrobe for God knows how long. I couldn't help but smile again.

That night when I went to bed for the first time after I moved in with Burt and Carole. And even though I'd always rather be home with my family. I felt kind of relieved that in all of this I didn't have to run around putting everybody to bed. Burt was still acting weirdly whenever I was around though. But Carole was still as motherly as ever and had sat down in an arm chair in the corner of what would be my room. And I should have known that she would do that loads and loads and loads of times from now on. And wrapped around me were the covers with the Big Ben and London.

I could probably never have guessed how much there was around having cancer. And being so ill. I mean, I must have known a part of it- everybody did. But never close to as much as there really was. One day I would be getting surgery where they put in a port- a- cath. A little thing they put into my chest that they could draw blood or give me injections without having to poke me with needles every time. The next day I didn't have anything and sometimes would just lie in bed, wanting to go home or at least see the children. And the next day they actually came.

"Here mummy" It was in the children were only here for a short while. But they had brought with them each small present for me and Livie held up hers. "Open mine first." Hers was wrapped in Princess Paper and I took it with weak and shaky fingers I started unwrapping it. Theo had to hold it still, but somehow I managed to get all of the tape off and pick up a small beanie.

"I made it myself, none of the boys made their on their own. You do like mine do you mummy? We thought you'd have caps to wear now that you're bald. Because daddy told us you have kept on wearing poppy's baseball caps. But we don't think you should wear them anymore because they're really ugly, even uglier than just being bald. But we know you want to wear caps since you're bald. The boys have caps too but…"

"OLIVIA BAILEY." Theo interrupted angrily and the boys glared towards their little sister. "First of all, you don't tell what anybody else gives in their presents and SECOND." I could see on Theo that he was almost boiling with anger and when he continued he was too angry to even shout. "…If I ever hear you call your mother ugly ever again."

"I didn't say mummy was ugly. But bald is, but mum's hair will grow back out when she isn't ill anymore…"

I didn't hear the rest. Sadly, I turned around. I was too tired to talk to Livie, and I left the kitchen and closed the door after me before I got through the living room and towards the stairs. Somehow, I wasn't quite sure why I got up one step after the other before I walked into my room but didn't have the energy to close that door before I sunk down on my bed and finally looked to what Livie had been giving me but upside down.

It was as she had told me a beanie, badly made but still surprisingly nice and suiting in a blue frozen- pattern. I think I'd even rather keep on wearing Burt's baseball caps rather than this one, but at the same time I couldn't wait to see the look on Sarah's face when I came in a frozen cap (Maybe Sarah could have it) and couldn't wait to see the look on Livie's when I wore it.

"Mum?" I had heard two people and it wasn't hard to guess who were coming up the stairs and into my room. Finn had been the one asking and he and Trevor came in both holding their presents. "Livie was really mean to you. And we both think you're beautiful." They stopped right in front of me where I lied on the bed. "Can we still give you our presents?" I nodded and struggled to sit up even with my back against the wall. "Well, Trevor you go first." Trevor handed me his in pink Disney princess paper. And I carefully took it but quickly realized my hands had gone all too weak to open it.

"Honey, can you help me? I can't…"

"Of course mum." Trevor took the present from my hands. "And don't be sad that Livie told you what we got. After all. You still haven't seen what kind we got." He had pulled away all the tape pieces and unfolded the paper to something grey. "Here." I unfolded the hat and could see that it was grey, and on one side. There was a flower made in dark red.

"Oh honey." I had wanted to hug him, kiss his cheek and show my gratefulness in every way that I couldn't. But I knew, and Trevor knew I couldn't. And right there I hated what this disease was doing to me more than ever. "It's beautiful. I'd want to hug you but…" Trevor nodded. Then he hugged himself. "Yeah, that's one from me." He gestured to me and sent one back and like him I hugged myself. "Oh thank you. That was a really nice hug. Trevor, can you get the blanket that hang on the chair over there." I pointed, and Trevor nodded and went to get it. "Thank you love." I wrapped it around me and looked to Finn who had taken one step closer and was holding another present- this one with green paper printed with horses. "Oh, can you open it?" Finn nodded and was already twisting and turning the parcel to get off the paper thread and then the tape before he reached some kind of bandana to me.

"Oh honey." I twisted and turned it to see it. It was black, with a big, printed pink ribbon on top and 'fuck cancer' written one word on either side. "This is great." I looked around at all of the three of them. "So which one do you think I should wear first? I can't really make up my mind they're all so nice."

"I think…" This time Finn was the first one to speak. "That you should be wearing the one from Liv, and go and talk to her. She feels really bad about what she said. But you know, she's just a kid."

I smiled- my Finn had such a good heart! I pulled the beanie on even though it was too little. And had already decided I would follow his advice and I slowly got onto shaky legs while the thoughts about what he said about Livie being just a kid were spinning in my head. Finn was only a kid too, and so was Trevor but Finn was the oldest at fourteen and now he had had to grow up very fast- and I absolutely hated what it was doing to him. Because in his eyes was a worried, troubled look. That hadn't been there before and definitely shouldn't have been there for at least another ten years. And it could probably have made me cry, but for once I decided not to show myself weak and emotional in front of the children- I couldn't bother them anymore now. Although, I still needed some help.

"Finn, honey." After taking two steps on my own shaky legs. "Can you…" I didn't know what to say so I just gestured with my arm held out and Finn quickly understood, came over and let me lean against him. Making our way downstairs and into the kitchen. And while I couldn't find the right words to say how I was feeling- I hated myself for putting so much on the children. And the fact that from now on, it would probably be several months before I could see them again- if I ever would! And during the long days of chemo, hospital stays, needles, medicines and more medicines I missed the children so much I thought my heart would blow with all the emotions. And it felt like the days were never ending. Even though they did, one after one after one.

By the time my birthday and then Christmas came it had been two and a half months since I was diagnosed and we were right on the third… or was it the fourth round of chemo? Chemo brain makes you go kind of confused and I couldn't even remember my own name while I laid in my bed or at the hospital spending most of the time either throwing my guts up or hating my life. Or I couldn't make a decision and did both at the same time- worst Christmas ever!

A few days before New Year's Eve I was finally starting to feel better. And while none of us- not even me thought it would be a good idea for the children to come here. They went to Kurt and Blaine's to celebrate with them, September and Shawn. While Theo came over here, Carole and Burt went out to the nicest restaurant in town. And in my still weak and tired state I laid wrapped in the warmest, softest blanket we had been able to find and leaning against my husband.

"Here Rachel."

Just before midnight, which I had made up my mind I'll keep awake to I sat curled up in the sofa with a blanket wrapped tightly around me and with Theo's arm around me. Theo had had a backpack with him with some drawings from Livie, and a framed photo of the children. I smiled and leaned my head towards his shoulder while he carefully stuck his hand down the backpack again.

"Nope, it's empty… But maybe..." He shoved his hand down his pocket. "Oh look, here's something. And look. Livie wrapped it." I laughed slightly, but had to stop when it made my stomach hurt. "Whoa." Nowadays, I had to bring a bucket or vomit bag with me everywhere, no further explanation and Theo quickly reached for the bucket when he noticed me seeming uneasy. "It's okay honey, just relax."

"Theo." I spoke and pushed the bucket away. "I'm fine. God I'm tired of this." I leaned my head against his shoulder again and stuck my hands out from under the blanket. "What is it?" I took the package with shaky fingers and started with some struggle open the present which was wrapped in loads of paper, and even more of tape. "Eight year olds…" I sighed. "Can you open it for me?"

I hadn't meant for my voice to sound so weak and I hoped I hadn't worried him more while I watched him carefully taking it from my hands and I pulled them towards me down under the blanket again and fought not to shiver cold. It would only worry him even more. And I noticed him keeping a close on me while he pulled meters of tape off and then unwrapped the Disney princess paper.

"Here." He held up a black fabric chain, with a charm of a circle. With all of my children's names written in it. "I let the children decide which one and they agreed on this one. I know you're not supposed to wear jewelry as it's got a risk for bacteria to get stuck. But I guess then… when you're done and strong and healthy again you can wear it... along with something else." He stuck his hand down his pocket again and pulled out a jewelry box. "We couldn't give you anything for Christmas but… here's my present. Do you need me to open it?"

I shook my head but fumbled with the box. One part of me almost thought that he was going to ask me to marry him again. While most of me knew that I was wrong since he wouldn't do that right now but maybe that was the part that was wrong… When I finally got it open to find a bracelet- silver chain with a golden star I almost got tears in my eyes- a part of me had hoped that small part was right. But another part because it was darn beautiful.

"Rachel… Barbra Bailey." Theo took my fingers in his hands. "You are cold as ice." I couldn't help but smile while he carefully moved his own palms back and forth and then blew his warm breath on them. "Anyway… this bracelet and that necklace are no expensive stuff. I bet it's all plastic fantastic…"

"Theo I don't care."

"Hold on let me finish. And neither is this." He pulled up a box with some kind of candy ring. "But… whatever kind it is doesn't really matter because… my promise will be just as strong this time as It was the last time. With real rings. I know there's a lot right now but… I love you more than ever." My eyes had filled with tears again. "And when I say I do, and you hopefully do the same. I want the children to be there to see it so…" He gently pushed me out of his lap and to lean against the arm support of the sofa while he turned, and got down on one knee in front of me holding onto that candy ring. "I don't remember the floor being so far down the last time I did it." He put his hand to the floor to get comfortable and then held that candy ring with both of his hands looking right into my eyes.

"Rachel, love. When you're stronger than ever before and all of this is over. Do you want to marry me again?"

I opened my mouth to answer him, then closed it again as I couldn't find the right words. And if I hadn't been so concentrated on that I might have heard Burt and Carole standing behind us with their hands tightly holding onto each other's. And I think they were more anxious for the answer than my Theo.

"Yes." I said at last. "And I'd do it again a million times… yes, yes, yes… But, you know I can't wear any jewelry right now. Not candy rings either." Theo nodded and the next thing just went really fast while Burt and Carole clapped their hands and Burt must have whistled, because that was one of the sounds that would make my head spin and hurt like crazy.

"Ow, ow." I immediately put my hands to my head and rocked forward slightly while Carole scolded on Burt. "Ow, my head." Theo got up into the sofa and wrapped his arms around me while Carole stuttered something about painkillers. "No, no. I think I'd rather just go to bed but… I don't think I can get up from here. Theo? Please can you…"

"Any time my love."

I didn't have to finish the sentence. Theo stood up and scooped me up bridal style. I had mostly suddenly got so tired I could barely keep my eyes open and leaned my head into my husband's shirt the whole way upstairs. And as we had just came into my room, I was laid onto the bed and the door was closed we could hear the muffled voices of Burt and Carole's counting down the seconds of the year. And while Theo came back to me he spread the covers (the ones with British flags) and sat down on his knees right by my bed while softly and quietly counted along until he reached one.

"Happy new year love." He stroke my forehead and head. "I love you."

"Happy new year Theo." I answered weakly, but still as loud as I could manage. "I love you too…. I made it to midnight."

With that, a few seconds into the New Year. I fell asleep with my husband's warm and steady hand still holding my cold and shivering. And feeling the love from his touch, and in every heartbeat. I wouldn't have want to be anywhere else in the whole world. Then just here. Just now.

I wished I could have had him there more. Through every chemotherapy when I sat through one after the other. Told Sarah no when she wanted to play with her horses and acted like I wasn't sick and tired of having Carole around twenty four seven. (It wasn't that I wasn't grateful. But when you spend so much time with a person as I did with Carole you'd get tired of her sooner or later). Every night after chemo when I laid dry heaving for God knows how long and shivering cold. And when I sat crouched on the floor in the shower because I was too weak to stand up, but too proud to ask anyone for help. I really wanted Theo there.

I wanted- no. I needed his annoying accent, his stupid humor and way to always be so calm it got almost frustrating. I needed his tender touch and embrace. Needed his humming to calm me down even when things were at their worse. I needed his lips towards my forehead and God I needed somebody else then Carole to be there just for once. I needed him to tell me why Burt was asking so strange. And more than anything I needed Theo to just be there with his support. To help me onto my feet when I kept on falling. I just needed him there. I just needed him here.

But knowing that it didn't matter, that he still couldn't. Both for mine and for his own sake. And not wanting to cause more worry and trouble than what I already had. When I laid in my bed at night I took that candy ring in my hand, twisted and turned it as if I was afraid that it would all go away if I didn't look at it from every single angle and then put it back in the shelf of the bedside table along with the rest of the jewelry they had given me. And the necklace with the hearts for Theo and Finn Hudson. And I couldn't wait until I could start wearing them- if I would ever be able to. Right now it just all felt kind of hopeless anyway.

So, at Valentine's Day. Wednesday February the 14th I finally met Theo again when he came to Burt and Carole's to pick me up. And as if nothing was going on and everything, all of the time apart had never happened. I just walked outside without a single word before we sat in Dr. James's office and he started babbling.

"So." Dr. James said having put the new x-rays they had taken in front of him and frowning. "The progress isn't quite what we would have hoped for and I think that the best option right now." He started babbling in whatever doctor's language. The whole breast would have to be taken, but it was up to me whether I wanted to remove the other one too. To reduce the risk of relapsing. And yada, yada, yada.

"Just take it all."

"Okay." Dr. James looked into his papers and then up at me over the frames of his glasses. "Are you sure? You're allowed to think about it for a while you know." I shook my head. "Well, if you're sure. We need to do it as fast as possible. Do you think you could be here next Wednesday seven A.M.? And we'll do it sometime throughout the day?" I didn't have the energy to protest about that I had to be at the hospital so early. So I just nodded and Dr. James wrote something in his planner. "Great. I won't be around as that's on the surgical ward. But I'm sure they'll take very good care of you and I might come in some time after you're back at the ward. I guess that's it for today then. Oh and, as you might know. You're not allowed to eat anything before surgery and…" He grabbed another one of his flyers. "Everything you need to know should be in this one. Good luck." He smiled at me and I stood up on shaky legs and felt Theo behind me, seeming to be ready to catch me if I fell. And we slowly made our way through the hospital and towards the parking lot.

So far since this whole thing started I had never really been able to decide whether I wanted the time to go by fast or slowly. Partly slowly because if this was going to end badly I wanted as much time to do something about as possible. And partly fast because I just wanted it all to be over- and sometimes even if this would end badly, because I just wanted it all to go away.

But before the surgery I was all sure- I didn't want this to happen! But knowing I couldn't change it I tried to act normal and the last night before the surgery I threw all of the bras I had except for one for tomorrow in a plastic bag and stuffed them furthest back in my underwear drawer. Then I sat down, clasped my hands in my lap and stared out the window into the dark night for God knows how long.

"Rachel." Just before I was on my way to go to bed. Not so much because I felt I wanted to- but because I knew I needed to Carole came into the room. "Are you okay?" I forced my head to bob up and down. "Good, is there anything you need? Should I stay here tonight?" I shook my head carefully and bit my lip- I didn't want to snap at her. I knew she was only trying to help. "You know you only need to holler if you need anything and…"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" It just suddenly became too much to bear and I snapped back. "I know I only have to holler. And I don't need anyone there to rub my back or dab my forehead. I don't need anyone to check on me every five minutes or to sit with me at night. I don't need, I don't need, I don't need."

"Oh my God." After a few seconds of silence I realized what I had just said and that I had run out of words. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean all of that I know you're only helping and I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to put that on you. I am so, so sorry I'm so…" I ran out of words and put my head in my hands. "I'm so sorry."

"Rachel," Carole's voice sounded just as calm and steady as it ever did and she sat down in the chair in the corner. "It's okay. I get that you're sick and tired of me by now. That is highly understandable because we've barely been away from each other for the last… how long is it now? Four, five months? Even more? Anyway… I get that you'd snap like that… I've only been waiting for it to happen and seriously, I'm a mother and a nurse. Do you think you're the first one that have snapped like that after spending all too much time with me?" I wasn't too sure what to answer on that. "It happens all the time, and honestly I can understand them. Sometimes I get a bit sick and tired of me too." I tried to smile at her bad joke, but it ended up more of a half-hearted grimace and had to fight to keep the tears away. "Hey, talk to me. What's the matter?" She stood up and came sitting next to me on the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I just… since I had cancer it's just… everyone are taking care of me and…"

"It's frustrating?"

"Yes but… It's all because of me and I don't think it's…" Carole frowned, but seemed to understand something I couldn't say because she looked me right into the eyes as mine filled up with tears and started asking me something.

"Rachel? Have you gone through all of this believing it's all your fault and you're a burden to all of us?" I didn't answer that, just looked straight into Carole's eyes and hoped that she'd understand something I didn't. "Oh sweetheart." She embraced me and just held me like that for a long while before she pulled away and then looked me in the eyes. "Have you gone through all of this thinking it is all your fault?" I didn't answer that- just hoped that she'd understand. "Oh Rachel." She took me back in her arms and stroke my head. "It's not… Don't you believe that for a single second."

"Whose fault is it then?"

"It isn't anybody's fault… Oh honey, these are things that none of us want to happen but they do anyway. It's not anybody's fault and certainly not yours." She pulled away and laid a hand towards my arm. "Tell you what! Tomorrow, when you go off, I know that Theo will be here and take you and stay with you in the hospital. And your children will stay with Kurt and Blaine so… Why don't we get some time away from each other. You get to spend some time with the love of your life and I get to spend some time with the love of mine. And then we'll see each other again when you come back home. Okay?" I nodded. "Pinkie swear?" I couldn't help but laugh but hooked my pinkie in hers and let go. "Now, try to get some sleep. Tomorrow's a big day and you need all the sleep you could possibly get. Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" I nodded and got under the covers. "Okay, I'll leave the doors open… I'm doing it again aren't I?" I nodded, but smiled- what would we do without Carole say "Goodnight."

"Carole." Just as she was on her way out the door I called for her attention again and she turned to me. "Exactly how many times have you and Burt not gotten a date or some time alone because of me?"

"Don't even think about it young lady." She smirked. "It's not your fault."

"Carole?"

"Yes?"

"Will it hurt?"

"When they make the surgery you'll be asleep. But yes, it will hurt afterwards. You'll be given painkillers though, so not too bad."

"Carole?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I snapped at you like that- I really am."

"Don't worry about it."

"Carole?"

"Yes honey?"

"I know I said no… but if it's not too much trouble… Could you stay? Just until I fall asleep?" Carole nodded and while I pulled the covers up to my chin and made myself as comfortable as it was possible Carole sat down into the chair in the corner. And for the first time in God knows how long, I didn't have any trouble falling asleep.

That might have been because the next day was the one I'd been dreading though.

"Rachel…" I could hear Theo's whisper and feel his hand shaking my shoulder what felt like only a second later. "Rachel, come on. Time to wake up love." I drowsily moaned and opened my eyes. "Sch, Carole's sleeping." Suddenly, what had happened last night came back to me and I opened my eyes a little more turning towards the opposite corner from me. Where Carole must not have left the room when I fell asleep and had fallen asleep herself in the chair. "Come on. It's half past five and we need to get a move on." I moaned again, and tried to sit up but only fell back towards the sheets. "Okay, day like that." Without any further notice Theo lifted me up bridal style. And while he carried me into the bathroom I just rested my head against his shoulder and almost fell right back asleep.

I was too tired and weak to even stand or undress for myself. But without a word Theo did it for me and put the shower on. There was some special antibacterial soap that I had to use for the surgery. But noticing my hands were also too weak and shivering for me to be able to do it myself. And he didn't mind ask before he started rubbing it in himself.

I tried not to think about it. But the thought of that the next time I would shower- or even get my shirt off like Theo currently had too. My breasts would be all gone and my chest flat was… well, weird. Weirder than I could have ever imagined before even when I knew this was going to happen. And I couldn't believe I couldn't do anything myself the last time this was happening before my whole body would change- or so it felt like at least!

"It's okay." Until the part with the showering was done and he wrapped a big and soft towel around me. Then I finally shook my head slightly and seemed to wake up. "I can do it myself." I got onto shaky legs and reached for the underwear I had put in a drawer already last night. "It feels weird." My hands were too weak and shaky to do any hooks, so I had chosen a sports bra that could simply be pulled over the head. "I spent half my time from when I was I don't know- twelve about how incredibly uncomfortable bras can be to wear. And now I won't ever have to do it again…. It's just a very strange feeling."

"I can understand that." Theo's voice sounded strange too. And there was something strange about my every sense. It was like the surgery had finally made me realize how serious this was. And it didn't feel like this could be happening. Like all of this was just some bad dream that would go away if I closed my eyes and counted to three. This stuff happened to others- not to me. I was thirty five years old and had three children depending on me. With a life threatening disease in my body… everything felt wrong.

But it was happening to me, it was happening here and now… And it wouldn't go away just like that. And that feeling now scared me more than ever. And if I wouldn't have had Theo, now literally supporting me while I pulled on the softest pair of sweatpants the human kind would have ever experienced along with a big flannel shirt that belonged to Theo.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

Carole had gotten out of that chair while we were in the bathroom. Theo had borrowed her key to the door so he had been able to get in, but left it in the hallway so while Carole would drowsily go to bed after we had left. We heard the door click when she locked it behind us and we were both silent while we turned to the hospital.

It was unreal how much time had passed in silence only since I found out I had cancer. There didn't seem to be any words to express what we were feeling. And we were both silent for a long while. Actually, we didn't say anything to each other when we came up to the oncology ward, I was given a room and Theo crawled up on the bunk first so I could get up and lean against him.

"So." The first one to speak was a nurse who came in with a notepad with a paper and a pencil. "Fill this up please." Theo reached to take it. "It's very important that you tell us the truth about everything otherwise this could go… well… not good." She stayed in the room and Theo started mumbling the questions as they came.

"Have you been put to sleep with narcosis before?" I shook my head towards his arm. "Do you take any other medicines…? Well… I think I know all of these." Theo quickly scrabbled down the names of all chemo tablets and God knows what else I was on. Do you have any other illnesses than the one you're getting surgery for… No?" I shook my head. "You haven't been eating or drinking. You're not allergic to anything… Do you easily get nauseas, car sick or heartburn?" Yet another time I shook my head. Theo continued with the questions, statements and crossed yet one thing after the other on the paper. "And that's it." He handed the paper over to the nurse who was still standing there. Then laid his arm back around my shoulders and his chin back towards my head.

The day for surgery was more waiting than I would have imagined, then a nurse came in and Theo had to help me holding a cup of water while I took some anti- nausea meds, painkillers and sedatives. Then that nurse disappeared again. And then, no matter how much I protested they forced Theo out of the bed when they were finally pushing me towards the ER.

"It's okay love. I'm right here." Theo walked right by holding my hand as hard as ever. I could see him grimacing when I dug my nails into his hand. "It's okay." He told me when I loosened my grip. "Hold as hard as you need." He sighed when I was getting pushed into the room but could follow me and stopped by my side still holding onto my hand as steadily as ever.

"No." When the nurse came with a mask to put me to sleep I gripped hard in Theo's hand and tried to pull myself up. Too scared to know what I was even doing or what would be the consequences of it. "No, I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do this… How are you going to love me Theo? Are you going to love me at all?" My voice got weaker and shakier by every word. While I used more and more of my concentration and strength to pull myself up against Theo's shirt before he kneeled by me and looked me right in the eyes on my height.

"Rachel, my love." I could tell he was trying to hide it. But there was a shakiness in his voice that I'd only heard very few times. "I love you. And I will love you, until the day I die. This doesn't matter. I don't care about your breasts or whatever body part just as long as you are you." He gripped harder around my hand and gestured to the nurse but I panicked again. "Okay, okay. Not yet, not yet." He gripped even harder and looked straight into my eyes. "Rachel. I love you. That's never going to change."

"Theo… If I die…"

"You won't."

"If I die… Then I want you to be happy and… If you'd find someone new that's okay and…. And it's okay as long as she'd know how lucky she is to have you and treats both you and the children right and…"

"You won't die love. Not here, not today."

"I love you…" Theo gestured to the nurse again and I didn't protest. "And Finn, and Trevor and Livie. More than I ever could I love all of you." While the nurse put the mask over my nose and mouth I just continued talking. "I love you, now and for… eve… r." The last thing I could hear was Theo sobbing- I had never heard or seen him cry before. And it was nothing I'd ever want to see or hear ever again. It just hurt too much… And so, everything was dark…

"Love…" The first thing I heard when I was drifting back was Theo's voice. Calling me love as so many times before. I was very lucky to have a British husband didn't I? "My love… Can you open your eyes for me?" And there I felt everything else. And God that hurt. "Oh, lord here we go." I felt someone's arm pushing and pulling me up into sitting position and knew I was throwing up (again!) "That's okay love." Finally, I could open my eyes and saw that Theo was the one that had pulled me up (Who else?) I wanted to tell him to stop, that it hurt. But didn't get the time before I gagged again and threw up all over that hospital gown and a blanket draped over me. "That's okay love." Oh- and over Theo's hand. "NURSE."

"Ow." I whimpered just as the nurse came running over and as soon as the gagging was finished they started getting me out of the soaked gown and blanket. "Ow, no stop. No stop it." Theo was holding me and I knew they would have to do what they did but that didn't keep me from screaming in pain. "OW, STOP IT. NO AAAAH. Theo make them stop."

"BE QUIET." Someone shouted from on the other side of a curtain and I understood he was shouting at me. "BE QUIET, IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD." I buried my face in Theo's shirt, and hoped that it would muffle my screaming enough for that old man to be quiet. "BE QUIET."

"SHU' UP"

Theo had lived in America for so long his cockney accent very seldom shined through. Only for a few words, and only when he was angry. And since he never was angry anyway we didn't worry much about it. But Theo's shout made me flinch- partly because I knew how angry he must be for that T to 'disappear'

"I'm sorry." He whispered into my ear. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you like that. Okay." He reached for the vomit bag in my lap when I gagged again and held it in front of me. But there was no use. After all of those hours of fasting there was nothing left in my stomach to throw up. And soon I just leaned my head back against my husband's shoulder and whimpered slightly- I really wasn't feeling well!

"BE QUIET"

Theo was so angry at that man he seemed to be boiling I could tell. But still, and probably for my sake he kept silent this time and didn't make a single move so drowsily after the narcosis, I could lean myself deeper into his arms and fall back asleep.

"So, how are things going in here?" Back at the ward instead of the recovery I was lying with my head turned so I couldn't see the door. But I could still recognize Dr. James's voice- heck! If I had started recognizing his voice I think that would be a sign that I had spent way too much time at the hospital lately. And I didn't even mind turn my head and look at him when Theo stood up and I heard Dr. James's footsteps coming closer until he stood right by the bed and I finally turned my head. And this time I didn't even mind greeting him or acting polite.

"What do you want?"

"I just thought I'd come by." He sat down on one of the rolling chairs by the bed. "When you care for the patients for as long as I do you sometimes like to keep an eye on them… And…" He grabbed the charts hanging on the side of the bed. "They asked me to give you an update on what's going on. So, first. I heard you got sick in the recovery. Are you feeling alright? Because you know, if you've got any side effects from the narcosis we want to do something about them. So it's very important that you don't try to act strong and just tell us okay?"

I made a failed attempt to smile, it probably ended up more of a half-hearted grimace. Theo came over to the other side of the bed from the one Dr. James sat by, I could see them both frowning. Probably over the fact that I hadn't answered if I was okay just yet. And before I could stop it from happening. I grimaced even worse and made a failed attempt not to sob when I pulled myself up towards my husband's embrace and hid my face in his shirt.

"My love," Theo sounded even more worried and troubled and I could hear Dr. James moving behind me. "What is it?" His voice sounded more and more worried for every word while I sobbed too much to answer at first. "Where does it hurt?"

"My head." I managed to whimper at last. "And it's getting worse. And I feel really dizzy." I turned my head with struggle and looked towards the doctors. "Can you do something about that?" He nodded, and smiled slightly.

"We most certainly can." He hung the charts back on the side of the bed. "I'll just go have a talk with the nurse. Be right back." He disappeared out the door and out of our sight and I leaned my head back towards Theo's chest while he just stood there and stroke my head. He was humming, but while it was making my head pound I first couldn't really tell him. Then woke up slightly when I heard the door open and close again.

"Theo please. You know I love your humming but it's making it worse." I sniveled and looked desperately towards Dr. James that had some sort of medicine bottle in one hand that he stood with a syringe and pulled the fluid from it up into. "Will that make it better?" He continued looking down at the syringe, but nodded at my question. Finished, and put the bottle away while he came and sat down again and held up the syringe. And even before he had asked for it I pulled down the gown so he could put the needle into the port.

"So…" When he'd emptied the syringe he pulled the needle out from the port again and I pulled the gown up. "…That should be enough but if it hasn't worked in a little while just tell me and I'll try with more okay?" I nodded weakly, still towards Theo's chest. Dr. James smiled slightly, but it seemed forced and it didn't hide the frown in between his eyes. "This has a way with sounding creepy every single time it's done but. It has to be done." He had pulled up a notebook and a pencil from his bag and was drawing lines so quickly it was making me even dizzier.

"So… this is…" Dr. James let the pencil run over the paper to point out. "It's about what women's… hrm… breasts looks like." He scratched the back of his head and I could tell this wasn't exactly his favorite part. "And you- had a tumor about here." He started drawing. "And they thought they'd have to… well, make their cuts about here." He drew quickly and clumsily over the paper. "But… as they got in they had to remove a bit more than we thought would have to be at first and they made their cuts about here which means… well… to speak it clear… it's all gone." I could almost hear the way Theo glared at the doctor. "Sorry but… there's not an easy way to say that…" He sighed slightly. "I think you should be able to be out of here some time tomorrow." He put the notebook down into his bag again and put the pencil into his pocket. "But they caught it just in time so… fingers crossed. Oh, you don't…" He didn't finish the sentence but leaned over the bed reaching over to me and felt my forehead- first with his palm and then with the back of his hand. "Nah, you don't feel warm. But if something gets worse, you should press that alarm button." He cleared his throat. "See you." With that, he left the room and I moaned.

"I wish I didn't have to see him ever again."

"I know love." Theo almost whispered in a weirdly hoarse tone. "I know."

The first time for chemo after the surgery felt worse than ever. The scars were burning, I was already nauseas from painkillers. My body felt weird from I don't know how much had been taken off just like that. And just the painkillers had made me go quite loopy. It was a good thing I still couldn't drive. I'd probably have crashed backing out from the driveway already.

Coming to the ward Sarah was holding a photo I had seen her have a few times but never gotten a look at. And while the nurse put the needle in my port Sarah carefully walked over supporting on her IV pole and showed it to me. It was framed in a blue frame with stickers of Olaf and Sven from frozen. And had a picture of a family that I guessed was Sarah's with an adult couple, four boys and then Sarah in the middle of it.

"That's my dad Patrick, that's my mum Lucy." She pointed to the one she told me who she or he was. "That's my oldest older brother Thomas. And my youngest older brother John. And there's me and those are the twins Andrew and Edward. Andrew's older than Edward. One day, they were born just before midnight and just after. But wait, no Ed's got a shirt just like that so that's Edward and that's Andrew." I smiled- I probably could have never told them apart! "Do you have a photo of your family?" I nodded and pulled up the two small photos I had in in my wallet.

"You see," I showed her the first one of Finn Hudson and me. "That's me in high school with Carole's son." Carole smiled sadly at the photo and I switched it to a photo of me and Theo and the children. "And that's my Finn, Trevor and Olivia. Olivia doesn't really look like us. She's adopted from when Theo's brother and sister in law died. But we love her just as much. So that doesn't really matter."

"He's cute." Sarah said and pointed to the photo. I smiled when I saw she was pointing to Trevor. "How old is he?" I smiled again and answered her nine. "I'm nine too. It's my birthday today." I looked back towards Sarah's nurse. Some children sometimes lied about their birthdays to get something, but the nurse nodded- Sarah was telling the truth.

"It is?" Carole had spoken before I had the time. "Oh, happy birthday honey. Why didn't you tell us right away?" Sarah just shrugged. "So tell me, had any nice presents yet?" Carole looked to the young girl, who just shrugged and sadly looked away from the both of us. "Sarah? What's wrong?" Sarah just shrugged and didn't look at us but Carole leaned forward and rubbed her back. "Come on sweetheart. Talk to me." Sarah sniveled. "What's wrong?"

"My dad will just give me some boring old book. He always does. But my brothers gave me their presents before we left and I got some Frozen things- you know, Disney Frozen. But they have to give them to me before dad wakes up. My dad's really nice, he would never hurt us or anything. But he wants me to grow up to be an accountant or a politician or something else that you need to study a lot for. But it doesn't matter anyway. This is my last birthday, I'm going to die."

"Don't say that honey."

"But Carole, it's true. I'm going to die. The doctors are only giving me more meds because they're hoping for a miracle. Which will never happen since there are no miracles anyway."

Carole didn't answer to that, she just continued stroking Sarah's hand with her thumb and didn't seem sure about what to say. I didn't either. So I just leaned my head back towards the chair and forced the lump in my throat down.

"So if you could wish for whatever you want for your birthday. And not care about that you're ill or anything. What would you wish for?" Sarah pushed herself up and sat up with a wondering look on her face while she reached for a bottle of juice on her table and drank a few sips still with the same thoughtful look on her face.

"I'd like to stay at somebody else's house so I don't have dad in my heels destroying everything. And… frozen things, or some schleich plastic horses. Or some caps or something." With that, Sarah curled up in the chair again and laid her head back towards the arm support. Soon, it was clear that she had fallen asleep who was biting her lip with a look on her face that there was no way I could have missed what it meant.

"You're gonna make all of her wishes come true aren't you?"

"Oh yes!" Carole pulled up her phone from her pocket. "I just need to make a few phone calls first."

"And here we live." For Carole, it wasn't any trouble carrying Sarah. Which she was when we came to Burt and Carole's house. "And if I'm not mistaken… there should be a load of presents for someone very special about, in here." She opened the door to the living room. "Wow, it's a miracle." She blinked to Burt who had fixed the presents and cake while we were in the hospital. "And, birthday girl. She does need a crown doesn't she?" Burt held up a golden colored baseball cap- not too different from the ones he was wearing at all times. We all knew perfectly well that gold was the color for children cancer's awareness. And Sarah's favorite color- or one of them at least! (Along with pink and blue and red and….)

"Awesome." Sarah sounded more excited than what I had ever heard her before while Carole put her down to sit in the sofa. "Are those for me." She nodded to two presents that lied on the table next to a cake and Carole nodded- there wasn't another birthday girl in the room she told her. And while Burt put that cap back and forth on Sarah's head. She reached for the small one and fumbled with the paper- but had already decided she was getting it off by herself and Carole didn't protest.

"Whoa." Sarah beamed over a plastic horse. "The mustang stallion. I've wanted this my whole life Thank you Carole." I knew these kind of horses weren't exactly cheap. And with a nurse's paychecks and being away from work as long as she had… Well… Carole would always have to think about her budget. But when it was making the day for a single person, especially a child- Carole wouldn't set any boundaries. And with the look in her eyes I knew that she knew that she had made every right decision that she could have.

Like a child would, Sarah went right over to the second and bigger present. This time around it seemed even harder but she still refused to let us help her. And after good ten minutes she unwrapped a white hoodie with a picture of Olaf the snowman and the words 'always up for adventure'

"Awesome!" Her voice sounded weak- but still there was no denying her excitement. "Oh my God. It's what I wished for my whole life." She hugged it close with her arm and didn't seem way too interested when she was given a small plate with a piece of cake- that was understandable, she probably wasn't feeling too great after that chemo. Actually- I wasn't feeling too great neither, but only in that annoying way when you felt nauseas but still couldn't throw up. And I sunk further back into the sofa's cushions and shook my head so Burt just went with eating the piece of cake he was giving to me.

"Oh, I think we forgot about one present." Carole reached under the table for a present they had hid. "Here it is." She pulled it up and Sarah's eyes grew wide. And actually stayed that way while she pulled the paper off- before they grew even wider looking on some frozen sheets. Sarah never failed to fascinate me- in today's world, some sheets, a cap, a plastic horse and a hoodie along with a sleepover wouldn't mean much- but the way she reacted like we had just given her the world. "So do you like it?"

"Cool!" Was the only word she had to say while she seemed almost hypnotized by the covers with her favorite ever characters on- Olaf and Sven. "I've wanted this my whole life." She hugged it close to her chest with one hand still holding onto the plate with her piece of cake and Carole quickly took it before it fell to the floor and put it on the table. "I'm really tired." As on a given signal, Sarah put the pack with sheets away, and still in that Olaf hoodie she laid down and seemed to fall asleep right away. Burt raised an eyebrow at the both of us others, and then we both answered the same thing at once.

"Chemo!"

"Oh yeah. What kind of cancer is it that Sarah has?" Burt looked more and more frowning on Sarah sleeping in the couch. "I was only wondering…"

"Leukemia."

"How come you met her when Rachel is an adult… shouldn't they be at different wards?"

"Here in Lima they put everyone together. So if there is a child that doesn't have her or his family the elder ones there can act like a parent or a grandparent. It was only a try at first. But it turned out to work. I think it's time to take her to bed now." Carole handed the pack with Sarah's new sheets to Burt giving him a meaning look. "And I don't want her to be alone, just in case."

"Hm…" Burt frowned a bit but I could see a glimmer in his eyes- he wasn't acting grumpy for real. "You're going to make me sleep on the couch aren't you?" Carole nodded. "Well, yeah. I was going to suggest that if you didn't. I'll go get my own covers and put these on some spare ones and put these on." Burt reached for the frozen covers. Carole smiled at me and gestured to me how she could wrap Burt around her little finger. I tried to smile, but it probably ended up more of a halfhearted grimace. Carole frowned, but turned to Sarah and got a grip before she could lift the young child up. And while she carried her over the living room and into the stairs I could hear Carole whisper another few words to the young girl.

"Happy birthday sweetie. I hope your next birthday will turn out even better than this one." With that, I sighed and Carole continued up the stairs and out of my sight.

"Aren't you going to bed too?" Burt frowned while he was putting the spare sheets in the other sofa. "Rachel, aren't you going to bed too? It's late and you must be exhausted." I hung my head, Burt had been acting so weird towards me since I had lived here so I wasn't sure if I should answer him or wait until maybe Carole would come back, but she didn't.

"I…" I spoke weakly through the nausea. That was still creeping up my throat even though something was still making it impossible for me to throw up in a very annoying way. Burt had stopped in the middle of a movement and came over to me. He laid a hand towards my shoulder. "Please don't touch. You're making it worse." It was barely more than a whisper, but Burt heard and moved his hand. "I… I can't get up." I looked down on my legs, I could feel and move them. But I felt that they weren't going to carry me. "P- please help me."

"Okay." Burt took a grip of me around my back and shoulders and supported me to stand up. "It's okay. One step at the time." When only the touch of Burt's arm caused the nausea to get worse I tried to say something. But that only made it worse and while the rest of my body went more and more numb. My throat certainly didn't. "Okay, here we go." Burt moved his grip and I sunk to my knees on the floor when I started heaving. "It's okay, it's okay."

"I'm sorry." I said as soon as it seemed to be finished for this time. And while Burt as usual still felt weird and awkward. Even more so without Carole around I was just embarrassed. "I'll… I'll clean it as soon as…" Breathing short and shallowly I leaned my head against the sofa. Knowing way too well that that was definitely not happening.

"We both know I'm going to clean it up." Burt sounded a bit grumpy. "But don't worry about it Rach. You can't help it. Come on. Let's get you to bed." While Burt laid an arm around my shoulders again I slowly got onto my feet and leaned against him while we, very slowly made our way upstairs and I fell into bed. I had tried to keep awake. I never really could remember why afterwards. But it didn't matter anyway since I just fell asleep anyway.

Like I usually would after having chemo during the day I woke up during the night. But this time it wasn't for me but for the noise that came from the room across the hall. And quickly, I got onto my feet and hurried across the hallway. And after getting a bad feeling when I saw the light was on I pushed the door opened and found Sarah standing on all four in Burt's bed hunching over a bucket put in front of her. Carole sat right by, and tried to comfort Sarah but still… Carole's usually so calm expression had disappeared. And now seemed panicked and desperate for something that she could do.

"Go back to bed Rachel." Carole told me when Sarah stopped heaving for a few seconds. "There's nothing you can do and we do not need an audience right now." I hesitated. "Okay, here we go again. It's okay honey, it's alright." Sarah had started heaving again, and I backed out of the room, closed the door and went to sit down on my bed.

I could still hear Sarah choke and dry heave. But the sounds were too muffled by the walls for me to hear Carole. I lied down, but couldn't fall asleep as it continued. And for a long while I just laid there trying not to listen to it. But somewhere in the middle of it all, I must have been just too tired to keep awake and dozed off.

It felt like I hadn't slept at all. But I must have had to since when I opened my eyes the next time it was all silent and the late autumn air was shining through the window. I breathed out when I remembered that it was two weeks until the day I had to go to another chemo. And tried not to mind about my stomach being in knots and the dizziness that made the bed under me rock.

This time around when I got up on shaky legs and slowly could make my way out of the room and when I saw the door to Carole and Burt's bedroom was just a bit open I, as quietly as I could looked into the room. But it was empty. I frowned, where could they have gone? And then heard a sound from downstairs and worriedly and as quickly as I could, continued down the stairs and into the kitchen where Burt sat with his coffee.

"Morning Rachel."

"Where are the others?" Burt sighed. "Where are they? What happened?"

"Rachel, sit down." Burt signed to one of the chairs. I sighed, but did as I was told. If that was what I had to do to find out! "Carole took Sarah back to the hospital tonight. She told me but we didn't want to wake you up. Sarah wouldn't stop throwing up and had been heaving over and over for more than an hour. I haven't heard anything else but…" Burt interrupted himself when his cellphone rang. "When you talk about the trolls. Yes honey." He put the phone to his ear. "Okay… okay, good… Yeah, see you. I'll tell her, bye. Sarah's better." I breathed out while Burt hung up. "They want to keep her today for observation. But she's sleeping now and her parents and brothers are there. However, before she fell asleep she wanted us there too so… You feeling alright?" I nodded. "Do you want to go?" Another nod. "Let's go then." He stood up and put his cup in the dishes while I stood up, got some crackers and then headed for the shower.

When we got to the hospital both Sarah and Carole were sleeping. So as silently as we could we backed out of the room. And heading for the oncology for one of these other long hours of that IV dripping its poison into my arm. It felt weird going there with someone who seemed to barely even dare to look at me.

I woke up again that night and felt so nauseas and dizzy I couldn't tell up from down. I was breathing heavily, I just couldn't stop that. But despite that I tried to get out of bed. But as soon as I tried to support on my own feet I fell to the floor and started heaving.

"It's okay. It's okay." In the dark I could barely see that someone had put a bucket there just in time. And I could barely recognize Burt's voice from my spinning and pounding head. "Just let it out Rach." I didn't have any time to hear what he was saying before I heaved again and I felt his hand on my back. But still, it was somewhat hard. And not that he was doing anything wrong. It was just that he wasn't Carole. And his touch wasn't the one of a mother's- It was just wrong!

And as soon as I could stop heaving for long enough to crawl up and sit on the bed I was also back to my senses enough to remember exactly how Burt had been acting lately. But I still wasn't clear enough to know what questions I should or should not ask. And maybe for just this time, it might have been good.

"Where's Carole?"

"Sleeping."

"Your voice sounds so dry and callous whenever you talk to me… Burt?" He raised his head, but didn't look at me. "You're never even looking at me. Why are you avoiding me?" Burt let hear a deep sigh and run a palm over his face. "Was there something I did wrong?" I would ask more questions but heaved again. And while I hadn't got the chance to look up I felt Burt's hand on my back.

"It's okay. You're okay." Burt's voice sounded broken, and that's when it hit me. I couldn't believe why I hadn't remembered it before but the Hummel's so rarely spoke about Elizabeth, Kurt's mum that it just must have slipped my mind.

"Elizabeth died of breast cancer!" This time it wasn't a question. "That's why."

Burt didn't answer my question right away. When I laid down again he spread the covers over me and went to clean out the bucket. Then when he came back he was probably hoping that I had fallen asleep but I looked sternly right into his eyes and as good as demanded an explanation without saying a single word. He let hear a long sigh and slumped onto the edge of the bed.

"Yes, Liz died of breast cancer. And yes, that is why. But it wasn't because of you. It was for you." He sighed and put his head in his hands for a second. "I was afraid that if… If you were reminded about exactly how much what you're suffering from just… break people. Would make you stop fighting." He sighed again. "But of course yes. It was selfish as well because… I couldn't stand anyone go through it. Not again" I waited for a few seconds before I answered him, but with another question.

"Do you think I'm going to die of this too?"

"….No"

In between two long rounds of chemo, the third and fourth of five after surgery I was somehow lucky and managed to come home over Trevor's tenth birthday. Of course, there wasn't a chance in hell we could have a big celebration. But Trevor was happy with inviting Kurt and Blaine's children, and smiled and nodded when I, just passing by questioned if we maybe should invite Sarah as well.

Sarah was too tired to do mostly anything during the celebration. She sat in the living room sofa leaned back, and on Trevor's advice. He, September and Shawn stayed just there. While everybody else had to leave the room not to make too much noise and worry around Sarah. And I couldn't help but smile. Trevor really was the kindest child anyone would ever meet. And I proudly smiled even bigger when Trevor cut up a piece of cake, and stepped over to Sarah with both that one and another paper plate and plastic spoon and sat down next to Sarah to eat.

Actually, Sarah was too tired to do mostly anything and she took two bites and then couldn't eat anymore. But Trevor didn't seem to mind- and with a child's innocence he was just sitting there babbling about yet one thing yet the other. She didn't seem to listen much, but when Trevor reached up and slightly kissed her cheek I could see a sparkle in her eye that there was no denying- damn it! They both were having their lives first crushes. My little boy was growing up! But still… I couldn't help that distressed feeling and a thought that I didn't want to think but that I couldn't stop. That while Trevor was her first crush- it could also turn out to be her last.

It did feel wrong when I had to go back to Burt and Carole's only on Trevor's birthday's night. But I knew I didn't have a choice. And seeing that Sarah had fallen asleep in our sofa and would probably keep on doing so until her parents came. It felt even more wrong to leave. But Theo forced me!

Two days after Trevor's birthday I woke up shivering cold. And no matter what I tried with pulling the blanket around me and really pulling every little piece of my body except for my head in under it would help. And the answer of to why that was when Carole came in, sat down and put a hand towards my forehead- and this was bad! Really bad!

I wasn't so sure what happened, I just knew that I'd never been so warm, but at the same time so cold, or shivered like that in my whole life. Burt seemed nervous and not sure about what to do- Carole seemed nervous and not sure about what to do. Then Theo came along and seemed nervous and not sure about what to do. And at last while I was zoning in and out of consciousness I was taken to the ER and to doctors who all seemed nervous and not sure about what to do. And I was sure that I was going to die… I just knew… I just needed to have something said first, and I forced them to let Theo into the room and he took my limp hand in his while I pulled the oxygen mask down to be able to speak.

"I love you Theo. I've always loved you. And always let the children know that I love them too." It was getting hard to speak. "Finn and Trevor and Olivia. Let them know that they did nothing wrong and that I would fight for their sake when they're old enough." My voice got weaker and weaker by every second and it was getting hard to breathe. Theo tried to put the oxygen mask back over my nose and mouth but with struggle I pulled it back. "Let them know… I love them more than… more than anything… And you"

"NO" I couldn't fight anymore and while Theo shouted I sunk back towards the sheets while my eyes were closing- Theo shook me. "NO, NO RACHEL DON'T DIE. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE DO YOU HEAR ME? DOCTOR. DOCTOR." His voice sounded more and more distance and so felt his touch when he shook me again until I couldn't feel it again. Not at all. But there was something else.

The bright light surrounding me seem to get closer and bigger, and it seemed so welcoming I started walking towards it. Then jogging, then running and this felt like the first time since I got ill I could literally run with all that I had. There was no pain, and no struggle with moving and my long, dark hair was flying after me. But still, as the light had almost gotten me too have to close my eyes because it was so bright, I could see someone standing there. So far I could only see the silhouette of the person- but it was someone tall and fit. And even though I couldn't see his face. There was no doubt who it was.

"Finn?!"

My own voice sounded weird and melodic. And while I this time slowly came closer I could see him more and more detailed. He was smiling, and his chocolate brown eyes glittered in that very special way that still, after all of these years made me feel weak in the knees.

"You're here at the wrong time Rachel." Just a few meters from him something held me back. "This isn't your time yet… And that means… The show's gotta go all over the place… or something."

Just as he had finished that sentence I felt something pulling me backwards. Not a person, more like a power that was pulling me backwards and no matter how much I just wanted to get to Finn I couldn't stop it. It never really hit me that if I would be with Finn, I would also leave my Finn, my Trevor and my Livie, as well as Theo behind and if I had thought of that. I might not have fought against the power so hard. But there was no fighting it and so I was back. And with something in my throat I couldn't even breathe.

Beep…. Beep…. Beep…

The second thing I noticed was a very annoying beeping noise. And it sounded weirdly familiar. But so, I tried to take a breath and became even more aware that I had something in my throat that kept me from it. And while I tried to open my eyes the eyelids felt so heavy. I was left blinking at the bright light and all white over me. And tried to get away from what I had in my throat.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey." Before I'd seen much except for all the white and hadn't quite figured where I was I could hear the voice I quickly recognized as Theo's. "It's okay love. It's okay. Open your eyes, relax and open your eyes." He held my arms but I felt his shaking and heard the trembling in his voice when he shouted. "DR. JAMES"

I could slowly open my eyes again, how long had it been since I closed them? To me it only felt like a second or two, but it had to be longer since when I did Dr. James hadn't even been here- this wasn't his ward! But I was still in the hospital. I had been taken into the ER but where on earth was this? I would still be in the ER? They couldn't have moved me right? I would have noticed that… right?

Everything was still blurry, but as I blinked again and again it all got clearer and clearer for each time. And even before it was all clear I could hear Theo sobbing as he must have sat down next to me because I felt the heaviness move the mattress while he shouted for the doctor once again. I didn't think he would have had to though, in the same second as the shout left his lips the door was pushed open and Dr. James appeared, smiling slightly at mind.

"Hello Rachel." He came over to my bunk and I tried to ask him what had happened and what that thing in my throat was. But whatever it was- it kept me from talking as well. "Don't try and speak yet. You have a tube in your throat to help you breathe. I will take it out in a minute." He looked up at the monitor that was beeping with my every heartbeat and had a number of lines, numbers and letters on it. Dr. James studied it for a few seconds and then turned back to me.

"Everything is looking good." He said, but the tone in his voice just shouted at me that he wasn't quite sure about this. "It's amazing!" He fixed something with the tube in my throat and unhooked it from the machine it went into so I could finally breathe on my own. "So, now. Pull a deep breath in, and then on three blow out as hard as you can… okay. And breathe in and one, two, three."

While Dr. James pulled that Goddamn thing out I was certain I'd throw up. And afterwards while I coughed until I almost choke I almost did. But somehow I didn't, and I was left with my throat feeling really, really dry and slumped back towards the bed while Theo fingered with the bandana that Finn had given me what felt like decades ago.

"What happened?"

Theo hesitated "You've been in a coma for two days, we thought we'd lost you. But I… No one knows how but… Suddenly it got better and you made it through." I felt Theo's hand take mine and with the other he wiped tears from his eyes. "My love…" He squeezed my hand. "I love you so much." It was still hard to speak through my throat, dry from that tube. But whatever would be the first thing I said after all of that- well except for questioning what happened, it would mean a lot- more than what anything else could.

"I love you too."

There had passed three rounds of chemo between the surgery and when I was taken in. And I knew there would be two left, one long and one short. Although, after the coma I just wanted to go home. They wanted to keep me for observation and for every doctor and nurse that came into the room, riffled in their charts and shook their heads impressed- I started to realize exactly how much worse this had been than what I had known. And I couldn't wait to get out of there. Which I finally did only the day before I had an appointment…

"You know, after the surgery we have had a bit of long runs in between the rounds of chemo." Dr. James cleared his throat and riffled in his papers. "So, we've got two rounds left, one a bit longer at four days. And then one- hopefully for the last time on two days and yeah… We hope that that will be it." He smiled at me. "And we've kept a close eye on everything but… it doesn't seem like there are no new tumors and… honestly… the way your body must have beaten that infection- that cold in English it was… wow! It can't have been nothing else than a miracle. Never seen anything like it before."

"…Finn.."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

Dr. James for once seemed to be done riffling in his papers. "So, we'll go pretty aggressively this time around and then you'll have ten days off. And then we'll go pretty light- well, as light as chemo ever gets for two days and then we'll take some new x-rays and tests and hopefully get you in remission." He held up his hand and crossed fingers. "I've noticed you made pretty good friends with Sarah Wurrington." I nodded. "Yeah, beautiful little girl that is. Inside out." He suddenly sounded very serious, sad actually. "We all like her very much. I'll do my best to schedule you two together. And, see you afterwards. No flyers this time. And Rachel…" He leaned his elbows towards the desk and smiled at me. "This is looking really good."

I smiled at him, and honestly. I think that smile, and Dr. James's words and the thought that hopefully we were getting close to the end was what got me through that long, aggressive round of chemo. And somehow I and Sarah always ended up on the same schedule. I sat in one chair either throwing up or drowsy like never before. And Sarah laid in the other, either throwing up or drowsy like never before.

When it was over and only first day after that round of chemo and I was still spending most of my time either throwing up or fast asleep. I was feeling sorry for Carole who didn't get a moment to calm down and towards the end of the day her hands were the ones shaking holding up that plastic sick bag. While Burt- who was finally not seeming awkward and quiet in my presence more or less forced her off to bed while he kept an eye on me himself. And I was finally starting to accept that someone had to.

I still hated the fact that someone needed to keep an eye on me at all times. But as we were finally close to the end, and I had a good feeling that this would actually be the end of all of this. Or it was just wish thinking because it really felt like it. And the sunny day when I went to my first day of my last round of chemo. I had a sense of hope that hadn't been there before. And it didn't feel as hard as before when I sat down in that goddamn arm chair on the oncology. Sarah already laid with her head against the arm support in the other, and Carole had as usual come with me and sat in the middle on a black, rolling chair.

"You know Sarah." Sarah looked up at me, still with her head towards the arm support. "This is my last round of chemo." Sarah smiled. "At least it seems like that." She smiled bigger. But didn't seem to have any energy left to hold her head up and she laid it back towards the arm support. And watching her lie in that arm chair like that. It really hit me how incredibly small that girl was. She must have lost weight since I met her the first time and there didn't seem to be anything left but skin, bones and eyes- tired eyes.

It scared me a bit that Sarah hadn't even asked me to play with her plastic horses. That was the one thing she had asked me for every single time we were in that room together. And that wasn't the only thing. She seemed to be drifting in and of consciousness and I didn't get that it wasn't just sleeping until she threw up lying on her back. And Carole had to half pull, half push her onto her side so she wouldn't get choked. And it scared me the second, and very last day of my chemo. While the doctors and nurses were cheering. Sarah just laid there, and didn't have the energy to even smile for more than a few seconds.

To me it felt wrong when I came out of that hospital. It felt wrong when they took new x-rays and I knew it was very possible these were the last ones. It felt wrong when I could be there for my children's first day of school and I knew Sarah wouldn't be there when they came to school. And it felt wrong when I was smiling and laughing. And knowing that in so little time it was more possible not than at all that Sarah might not have the chance to ever do so again. And that it would be way too early for her. And every single time my phone called I expected it to be someone calling about her, that something had gotten worse… maybe in the worst possible way. And it felt like the days were just dragging on. And so finally the last day was there. All sunny and bright and for the first time since all of this had started I felt confident enough to just pull that beanie off and stare my bald self in the mirror.

It was the morning before going to see Dr. James for hopefully the last time and I stood in front of the full- body mirror in the hallway. I had decided that today was going to be the day when for the first time in God knows how long that I wasn't wearing too big sweatpants and one of Theo's T- shirts, without underwear and some whatever bandana or cap on. And honestly, if I would have known before how many times I'd switch clothes today. Before, I could probably not have told that I would have the energy to do even that.

"Are you okay?" Theo came along and laid his chin towards the side of my head. I couldn't do else but nod. "Any certain cap or bandana I should get?" I sighed, but didn't let myself hesitate before I shook my head and Theo stepped around me and stroke my cheek. "I'm so proud of you Rachel." I smiled and felt tears welling up in my eyes. "No, no that's enough of that. No more tears okay." I felt a single tear running down my cheek but nodded and smiled again. "And just for your information. You look just as beautiful as the first time I saw you. And every time I've been looking at you ever since."

It was when Theo would say something like this that I could feel my heart beating harder than ever. When I thought it couldn't beat any harder but was once again proved wrong when Theo hugged me from behind and I nervously pushed my hand over my bald head.

"Don't worry love. You look beautiful."

There was just something in Theo's voice when he'd give compliments or tell me that he loved me that had a way with telling me how true it was. And when he started humming on when you say nothing at all by Ronan Keating. I knew that I was ready to go. Finn had taken with him Trevor and Livie and went by bus to school. So we didn't have to worry about them until after coming home from the hospital. And with one last touch towards the charm of the necklace they had given me at New Year's. I turned around, took Theo by the hand and took the first few steps into a so far unknown future.

"Sarah was getting some sort of bone marrow transplant soon was she?" Theo asked while we were in the car. "You know… I was thinking about her when the schools started again. First day of school and no matter what they think about it everybody's there… everybody… except for Sarah." Theo sighed. "I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean to be that negative…" It sounded like he wanted to say more, but I interrupted.

"I know. I was thinking of it too." I sighed. "You know, if this happened to old people. Or if it happened to me I mean- I've lived a life. I've worked, had children. Lived my dreams. But children like Sarah… I can't even find the right words. I just really hope that transplant works because Sarah's great and she if anyone deserves to live and to have all of her dreams to come true and… Just live. A really long life, maybe a hundred… But however, I don't think she has the time to say everything she needs to but… she needs to get as much time as she can and… that goddamn disease is threatening to take it away from her. It sucks!"

Silently, I and Theo sat out the rest of the way to the hospital and while he stepped out and got around the car I, as steadily as I could got onto my feet and towards the entrance at the ER. And there wasn't hard for Theo to catch up with me without running. Despite that I had gotten stronger and stronger for each day.

I had never went out after Theo shaved all my hair off- well, obviously I had been out. Only always wearing a cap, or a bandana or anything. From today on I had decided that I wouldn't. To show the world the fight I had fought, and hopefully. Also won. But still, as we came inside in the crowded waiting room. It felt like everybody were staring at me. And it didn't feel good.

"Hi guys." Moving towards the oncology through the ER where Carole worked, she spotted us and greeted us happily. Looking to her I noticed something that I hadn't seen during those long months when I had lived at hers. It was like… she was almost glowing of happiness. "Rachel" She came over and hugged me. "You've got this." She smiled in that way only she could. "And… Rach." She lowered her voice and looked around as if she was doing something she wasn't allowed to. "I'm actually not allowed to tell you this but Sarah's here." I felt my stomach clench while Carole made a gesture towards the other end of the big hallway. "I think she needs some company aside from her brothers and parents." I nodded, and with Theo in my heels I rushed over to room two- eight to get as much time to talk with her as possible.

"Hi Sarah." I greeted and smiled at her. Sarah sat tiredly leaned back in the hospital bed. But still smiled back and told the two brothers in the room and her dad to leave. The brothers right there for the moment were Thomas and either Edward or Andrew. As well as Mr. Wurrington who as usual was wearing a tux and seemed tense and uncomfortable in the hospital environment. And they left, while I sunk down to sit on the edge of Sarah's bed. Knowing for well we only had a few seconds before I and Theo had to leave.

"Hey Rachel, guess what?" I shook my head slightly. "I'm getting a little sister. And I got to choose her name. Do you know what I chose?" I shook my head again. "Rachel." I didn't even know what to say. I felt tears of, well I'm not so sure what rise in my eyes while I put my hand over my heart. "I wanted to name her after the two people who really helped me and decided on Rachel Carole Wurrington. It does sound good doesn't it?" I nodded.

"Have you told Nurse Carole about it yet?"

"No, I wanted to tell you first."

"Well, Sarah. I have to go upstairs and meet my doctor now. Afterwards I'm going to come right back, so while I go there. Why don't I ask Carole to come here so you can tell her?" She nodded smiling. "Okay, let's shout for her. Together. NURSE CAROLE." I could see Carole by the reception desk and she looked up and came over when we shouted. "Sarah wants to tell you something, but I need to go now. Wish me luck."

"I bet you're in remission." Sarah said hoarsely, before she weakly coughed. And before she had the time to tell Carole what she wanted the person in name took an oxygen mask from a hanger on the wall and put it over Sarah's nose and mouth to make it easier for her to breathe. But Sarah still smiled below it and continued doing so and waved back to me when I waved and then left the ER for the oncology.

In the waiting room I couldn't keep still. I switched between walking back and forth and sitting next to Theo, his hand in mine and my leg bobbing up and down and up and down and up and down. But whatever I did I looked towards the door and waited for Dr. James to come and call my name.

"Rachel Bailey."

When my names after what felt like ages was called I almost didn't hear it as I was busy with imagining one way this could end after the other and after a long while I had lost my concentration. I looked up to see Dr. James and walked after him through the hallway to his office. But was jumping from one foot to another while walking as according to me we weren't waking fast enough.

"So… Rachel. How are you doing?"

"Well…" I fingered with the charm with the children's names. "I'm doing okay. Better and better." I saw him glancing to what I was fingering with. "I'm just…. It's a necklace with my children's names- Finn, Trevor and Olivia." He nodded and smiled. "But… what do you see? What does the tests say? Am I… Has it grown?" He held his hands up for me to be quiet. "Oh, sorry."

"That's okay. And no, it hasn't grown. On the other hand. Wow- I've really got to start looking through this papers better before the patients actually arrive." As usual, he riffled in his papers. "Or just keep it in the computer like everybody else." He found the right paper and followed the lines with his thumb. "Okay. Rachel…. On the new x-ray pictures and tests and…. The progress is actually all what we would have hoped for. We shrunk the tumors and the metastasis with chemo. And got out all that was left with surgery and as you know, to be safe made a few more rounds of chemo so… it seems like you are what we call NED." He clasped his hands and put his elbows on the desk. I just raised an eyebrow at him. Feeling the fear creeping up my chest- what was that? What would it mean? Now and for the future?

"What is that?"

"No evidence of disease."

For a moment it felt like I just went numb, I couldn't hear anything. Neither could I feel the floor below my feet or Theo's hand on my back. I could see though. And kept on staring right into Dr. James's eyes. Once again a hundred percent sure that he would jump up and tell me it was all a joke. That I was still ill and I would die before I could get better.

"S-s-so I-I'm cured?"

"No. You're in remission. You haven't got any cancer cells in your body now. But we'll keep a close eye on you for a number of years just in case it would come back." The doctor smiled. "But until then, if it would ever happen. Try to not think about it too much. It might not ever happen so just live your life. We all know that it could be a year, or ten, or a hundred. However, in a hundred years we're all going to be gone anyway." Dr. James laughed at his own bad joke.

"So, I'm cured?" Dr. James weighed his head back and forth. "Kind of?" He stopped moving his head to side to side, and instead went for up and down. I couldn't help but smile, squeeze Theo's hand. But in my mind was only one person. "Can I go off and tell someone. Someone really important?" Dr. James just gestured that I was free to go. And as fast as I still could I moved out the door, but stopped and turned. "Thank you."

"I was only doing my job."

"Dr. James?"

"Mhm"

"The J in J James? What does it stand for?"

"Justin. But if you make any references to that Bieber guy I will never talk to any of you again. But of course, then you might think that you really want to make those references."

Dr. James smirked to let me know he was only joking. And with that, I fought to start running. For what felt like a decade I hadn't even had close to enough of energy to even walk fast. But all of that was done and over now and as fast as I could I ran to the elevators and pressed the buttons. But it didn't come soon enough so I turned again and headed to the stairs, sprinted down the stairs and towards the ER.

"Sarah." I ran through the ER towards the room I had seen Sarah in just half an hour ago, even though the difference in between now and then felt like night and day. "Sarah. I'm in remi…" I came to an abrupt halt after as good as flying over the threshold.

"Time of death, thirteen thirty two."

"NO." I shouted at the doctor who reached up to turn the monitor that was still attached to Sarah's body. But it wasn't moving anymore. "NO. IT'S WRONG. IT'S WRONG. IT HAS TO BE WRONG. SHE'S NINE. SHE'S NINE. IT HAS TO BE WRONG. I JUST SPOKE TO HER A LITTLE WHILE AGO. IT'S WRONG. IT'S WRONG!" The doctor tiredly looked to me, but didn't seem to take much notice and I stepped forward and carefully pushed the young girl's eyes closed for them never to be opened again.

"Love." I hadn't heard Theo following me but suddenly he was right behind me, speaking in his most comforting. Yet broken voice. "It's over. And her family's right outside we need to go." What Theo said set me right back on. And I couldn't see anything clear for what it really was. Sarah was dead- but it was wrong, it had to be wrong.

"NO." I shouted, without even being too aware of it myself. "NO. I SPENT A LOT MORE TIME WITH HER THAN WHAT THOSE PEOPLE EVER DID AFTER SHE GOT ILL. I WANT TO STAY. I WANT TO STAY. SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT. SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME." My voice was probably echoing through all of the hospital's thirteen floors, and when I started fighting, because I had to. Not because I wanted to and Theo grabbed me around my waste and pulled me backwards towards the car I continued. "IT'S WRONG. IT'S WRONG. She was only nine years old." It was quieter and weaker for every word, but it didn't go into a whisper until I came to the last sentence.

"It was wrong of me to never play with her and her horses."

And with that, I blacked out.

I love Dr. James. I love that he's portrayed by a Swede and I love how he cares for Rachel… I love Sarah… I love Theo, I love Theo more than Dr. James and Sarah together and I love him and I'm so, so sorry for doing that to Sarah. And doing it for you. Please don't hate me.

I don't know all of the details about how you treat cancer. So I guess I got loads of things wrong. But hey, I did my best and honestly I don't think it turned out that bad. And it's fanfiction, nobody really cares if I didn't get it all right. And I'm not going back for fixing anything that will take another month. So, does everybody get that? Thank you. You're awesome!

Yeah, I always imagined that Rachel and Carole would stay in a pretty close relationship after Finn died. Sorry not sorry.

Random fact

So, this chapter is partly alike with the chapter E for Elizabeth. Parts are based briefly on songs (This one I'm going to love you through it by Martina McBride. And Elizabeth by Don't take the girl by Tim McGraw) A woman getting breast cancer and the love of her life being there for her. Treatments are partly the same and such. And that is a part of why I wanted to write this. And show my writing have gotten better since I wrote that. As well, I thought it would be a bigger challenge to write from the ill person's point of view instead of the husband's.