Cas does not whine when Dean packs him a bag, stocked with socks and old t-shirts. He does not complain when his bag is tossed into the trunk of the impala. He sits in the front seat and buckles his seat belt. He sits wriggling his toes in his new (shoelace free) sneakers and waits for Dean to drive him down to the rehabilitation center.
A few days before Dean propositioned him with the flyer for Hope Springs Rehabilitation Center. They look through it together, a month long program, recreation center, garden for Cas to walk barefoot in. Dean will cover the cost, whatever he can't foot he will pay Bobby back for. Cas makes a loose promise to pay him back that Dean shoots down. Moments pass where they are quiet, Dean waiting for Cas's decision.
Cas knows it will help to be in a controlled environment, learn better ways to cope. He feels a little betrayed by Dean, but knows he is only trying to help. He thinks about Anna, Gabriel, his dad. If anything he needs to do this for them, show them he can get better. His skin itches and he wants to get high again, decides then he needs to go through with this. All at once he wants to cling to Dean's side and beg him not to make him go alone.
The water is warm when he climbs into the tub. Today is not a day for standing in showers, he decides. He reclines his head against the wall and lets his limbs sink into the water. He shuts his eyes and feels like he's in an ocean, drowning deeper in his own sickness. He slides against the wall until his face his submerged and holds his breath. He doesn't see Dean enter, rather feels the cold air from the door opening. He blinks his eyes and comes up for air again.
He watches Dean shed his clothes and slides his knees to his chest so Dean can fit in the tub with him. Once he's situated he motions for Cas to come closer, so he turns and scoots until his back is pressed against Dean's chest. He shivers when Dean runs a hand through his hair and presses a kiss there. He hears a shampoo bottle open and feels the coolness on his scalp, then Dean's fingers massaging the soap into his hair. He tilts his head back and lets him rinse the mixture out of his hair.
When he is finished, Dean slings an arm around his waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. Stubble prickles his cheek and warm breaths puff against his ear. He listens to the sound of water dripping as he rests his palm on Dean's own. Feels like he has found solid ground for the first time in a long time. He furrows his brow and wonders how he got so lucky that he was able to meet Dean Winchester, savior extraordinaire. When Dean speaks, his voice vibrates against Cas's back.
"You gonna be okay?"
"I'm scared," he feels like a child again.
"I know, I know but it's gonna be okay. You know, they will take care of you."
I want you to, Cas thinks. He waits a beat before responding.
"I know." He pauses and watches Dean's toes wriggle in the water. "I've been running from this for so long, it just feels strange. I know I need to give it up but there's this piece of me, this anchor just wanting to stay like this."
Dean strokes his stomach with his thumb. "You can't let it get you. You're strong, you can beat it, really."
Cas nods numbly to his words, knows he is trying, words don't come easy to Dean. His mind has become a storm cloud though, filled with all the reasons this will not work. His subconscious makes up lies that no matter of force can vanquish. But Dean is still here, still rooting for him and trying. So Cas has to try, has to commit to this and just let it all go from here on out. Inhale, exhale. He sags his body against Deans and rests there until their fingers are pruned.
The next night is tougher with the thought of leaving in the morning looming over him. He feels like he has so much to do, so much to say and all at once he is paralyzed. He just sits on the couch with Dean's phone in his hand. Anna's number is punched in but his finger will not move to hit call. He was doing so much better when she visited and now it feels like a set-back. He feels like he has failed her again but she deserves to know where to send him letters for the next five weeks. He squeezes his eyes shut and hits call then presses the phone to his ear.
There are three rings, he counts, before she answers.
"Hello?" His throat clenches because there is a smile in her voice and he doesn't want to ruin that.
"Anna, it's Cas," he chokes out.
"Cas, hey. Is everything okay, you don't sound so good."
"No, I'm fine. I mean, it will be fine." He exhales and pushes through his reason for calling. "Dean's taking me to a treatment center tomorrow; I'll be there for a month. It will help me get better."
"Oh," there is a pause. "That's good though Cas. It takes courage, really."
Anger courses through Cas because he's sick of people telling him he is courageous and strong and it will 'get better'. He does not feel strong, he feels like a sailboat fighting against a current that is threatening to slam him into an iceberg if he does not take down his sails. He feels helpless. He swallows it down and refocuses on what Anna is saying on the other end.
"Yeah, it's good. Listen, I won't be able to receive phone calls but you can send letters."
After he ends the phone call, Anna promises to send the message along to Gabriel when he gets back from his business trip. He is in another state working on some lawsuit with his partners. He feels lighter with the hope of Anna keeping in touch with him. He looks around the apartment and decides to spend the day cleaning. It is something, a distraction from the lingering thoughts.
About noon, the place is spotless and Cas still has a day to kill and fears to escape. He spends an hour on the couch with Grace as Dean sits beside him watching something about cars. Grace is playing with a mouse toy Dean bought her when Cas first came to stay. He smiles when it squeaks and scares her. Yesterday he made Dean promise to keep her until he gets back. Dean just laughed and agreed. It took a while, but Dean was finally warming up to her, enough to sit next to her on the couch without flinching when she bats a paw at him.
Cas decides he doesn't want to spend the day inside, if he is going to be locked away for a month he wants to take advantage of the sunshine while he can. He is dismayed when he finds his wings falling apart but leaves without them anyways. He still refuses to put on shoes, which makes Dean smirk.
The sun is bright and the grass and is soft beneath his feet when they get to the park. Along one side is a string of trees they lay under. A breeze blows, makes Cas's hair stand in different directions but it feels nice so Cas doesn't care. He watches Dean point out clouds and compare them to various animals. Their fingers entwine and Cas can't help but smile and bite back tears because Dean is still here, wants to be here, and will be there when he gets released.
Before returning home, Cas makes Dean stop at the grocery store to pick something up, hides the bag from Dean when he tries to peek inside. Dean has called off work, but says he has to run to the store so Cas decides then to make him his pie. What he lacks in money he can make up in food he thinks. Dean comes home before he is finished so he makes him stay in the living room so he can work uninterrupted. Dean has never been a good listener so he runs into the kitchen as soon as cherry pie wafts into the living room. He is seated with a shit-eating grin when Cas finally pulls it out of the oven. He cuts two slices, slides his own of Dean's plate when he decides he is not hungry. Dean doesn't mind, just eats them both making sounds that Cas thinks should be illegal. Cas sips a coffee instead.
Dean pulls a bag from beside the couch and slides into Cas when he's finished eating. Inside are two, small, notebooks and felt tip pens.
"So you can write when you're there." He says, settling an arm around Cas's waist.
"Thank you, Dean." He hates himself when he starts crying, but Dean just curls him into his lap. It feels real now, in less than twenty four hours he will be in a room with people he has never met before and have to talk about things he doesn't even want to think about. When the lights go out he will have to lay in a less then comfortable cot and there will be no Dean to wake him when he screams. No Dean to whisper song lyrics when he can't sleep. No Dean to make him coffee in the morning. No Dean.
"It's okay, I've got you," Dean whispers against his hair, presses a kiss there.
"I just don't want to be alone," he manages between sobs. Dean strokes his back and holds him closer.
"You won't be, alright. I'll write okay, and I'll be here when you're out. Five weeks Cas, just five weeks and then you're back." Cas just nods because his voice isn't working.
"There will be good people there Cas, real good people. You need something and you can go to them, write to me, and write in your journals. It'll be okay." Dean rambles on.
The drive to Hope Springs is long. Cas nearly had a panic attack when the car started so Dean continues talking to him the whole ride. He rambles on about things he and Sam did as kids. The time they went to the Grand Canyon and he rode a farty donkey. Cas laughs at that so Dean counts it as a win. As he gets closer to his destination he starts getting nervous, loses track of his words and starts belting song lyrics.
Dean feels guilty leaving Cas on his own. Since he met the guy he has been there, wants to be there. It's for the better, he keeps telling himself. When they drive to the entrance he thinks of Bobby dropping Sam off, pictures Sam fighting him the whole way. He rubs Cas's knee and gives him a half-hearted smile. Cas tries to reciprocate but it falters when he locks eyes on the building. It's small, quaint, looks more like a nursing home.
Dean cuts the engine and unbuckles his belt but doesn't move to get out of the car. Instead he grips Cas by the shoulder and pulls him in until their lips are pressed together, whimpers when Cas deepens the kiss. Cas pulls back, breathless, and cups Dean's cheek in his palm. His breath is hot against Dean's face when he speaks.
"Dean, if you turn me on and make me wait a month I will come back and kill you."
Dean chuckles and presses another kiss to his lips. "Think anyone will notice us in the parking lot?" He waggles his eyebrows.
"Dean," Cas whines so Dean throws his hands up in defense. He still counts a win because he managed to make Cas smile.
The walk to the building is agonizingly slow, same with the sign in process. Dean pays with a credit card and makes a mental note to thank Bobby. He sticks with Cas when they give him a tour of the facility. When he finally has to leave, he gives Cas a hug that knocks the wind out of him and a quick kiss. He feels guilty, again, when Cas hangs his head and walks to his room alone.
The sun rises and Dean doesn't sleep. His dreams are full of a lonely, lost Cas and a broken Sam. He swallows his guilt, builds up his courage and dials Sam's number. Dean is almost speechless when a tired Sam answers the phone, he chokes on his words and tries to rearrange them into something coherent.
"Sammy, it's Dean. I know it's been a while and I'm sorry and-" Sam cuts him off.
"Dean?" his voice so hopeful it makes Dean's stomach churn. "God, Dean, I miss you, we need to talk, in person. When are you free?" Dean mentally kicks himself when he feel a tear roll down his cheek.