107. Empty
599 Words
Satsuki was troubled and deep in thought for the whole cab ride home. When the car finally pulled over at her apartment building, she paid the driver and walked in. She was still occupied when she reached her apartment, and thus went on full autopilot as she changed into her pajamas and readied herself to bed. As she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, mechanically brushing her teeth, a frown settled onto her brow. She did not notice it though, she was too distracted. She had spent a lovely evening at Ken's place, she had thoroughly enjoyed herself, the dinner had been delicious, the mood had been laid-back and casual but still nice and intimate, and she could honestly say it had been one of the happiest nights in her life so far. And yet something did not sit right at her, something was nagging at the back of her mind, something she could not really identify felt wrong. Though her mind was on it, pondering, struggling to grasp just what that something was, she kept coming up empty. She thought back to the evening, remembered their discussion, the taste of the food, the warmth of his body, the weight of his hand on her thigh.
She washed her face, left the bathroom, walked into the bedroom and flopped onto the bed, internally still going through the memories.
She did not know how long she lay there, staring at the ceiling, her mind whirling, unable to fall asleep even though it was very late. Finally it came to her in the darkness, suddenly, unexpectedly, tearing a sharp gasp from her lips.
She felt cheated. Although Kouji's and Himeko's speculation had left her a nervous wreck nearing a panic attack, on some level their words had stuck at the back of her mind. Unconsciously, she had expected something to happen tonight. That's why she had agonised over what to wear, that's why she had wanted to look pretty for Ken, that's why she had chosen a nice pair of underwear before leaving. The evening had been great, and she had loved it – but in the end she was left disappointed. She had only got a quick goodnight kiss, and that had been very innocent on Ken's standards; no tongue had been involved whatsoever. Satsuki remembered the earlier kisses and she wanted to experience them again now they were together.
Ken was obviously taking things slow with her. He was being the perfect gentleman. And while that was sweet and considerate and made her heart flutter, it was the predatory Ken that had first caught her eye – it was his crooked smirk, those dark eyes and confident manner that made warmth pool in the pit of her stomach. Was it too greedy for her to want both? Was it wrong? Was it too much?
She had already learnt much from Ken, she had gained more confidence through their dates, she had become used to Ken and his presence, she had fallen for him more as she had come to know him better. She was ready to learn even more now. She had not thought she was, she had been so nervous, but the emptiness she felt now, the disappointment mingling with impatience was clear enough indication to her that there was at least a part of her that was curious and willing to take that step forward. She wanted to learn, she wanted the new experiences and above everything, the confidence she would gain from them.
But as long as Ken was dragging her down, she could not move forward.