I rolled over in my warm sheets still slightly asleep. I opened my eyes a little bit and my vision blurred. That's when I noticed the pain surging through my skull. I grabbed my head and moaned a little. I seriously needed aspirin. I sat up on my arms. The sun looked high through the shades on the window. I read the clock and it said 1:22 pm. Had I really slept that late? I looked around. How did I get in Yoruichi's bed? Where was she anyway? I closed my eyes searching for memories of last night. I went to a club with Ichigo and Toshiro. I recall drinking and doing blow with Aizen and Ichimaru. That was stupid. We should have placed them under arrest. Then we came back here and did that ghetto slip n slide. Then black, I blacked out. I can't remember how I got here. Did I share a bed with Yoruichi last night? Most likely.
I got out of bed and noticed I was only in a bra and underwear. I exited Yoruichi's room and went to my own. I pulled on a pair of washed out jeans and a black button up. When I was dressed I decided to go downstairs.
I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. I saw Ichigo and Toshiro both shirtless at the table holding their heads. Yoruichi seemed to be cooking something and Kisuke looked like he was helping. I entered the kitchen and Kisuke looked up at me and clapped his hands.
"Oh how wonderful! All of the alcoholics are awake."
I gave him a dirty look. "I am not an alcoholic I prefer the term experienced drinker."
"I feel like my brain was fucked by a huge black cock." Ichigo moaned.
Toshiro said nothing. He just lay his head face down on the table a whimpered.
"Were did you guys go last night?" Kisuke asked.
"A club in Tokyo." Ichigo answered.
Yoruichi flipped around suddenly. "How the hell did you end up in Tokyo?"
"Car." I answered.
"Where the hell did you guys get a car?"
Ichigo looked at me.
I made a grabbing motion with my hands. "I take it, mother fucker."
"You stole a fucking car?"
"No stealing, it's called borrow."
Yoruichi turned back to what she was cooking.
"I'm in love with a five year old." She muttered.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Nothing."
The conversation was broken by a loud buzzing coming from Toshiro's phone, which was on the table. He lifted his head and flipped the phone open.
"FUCK!" He yelled.
"What?" Ichigo asked.
Toshiro looked up from his phone.
"Yamamoto is coming here, to the living world."
"So what's the big deal?" I asked.
"I don't think you understand. Yamamoto hasn't been to this world in centuries. I don't know why he's coming, but it must be really bad."
I smacked my face. "Shit I bet he knows Aizen licked my tits last night."
This caused Yoruichi to flip around again.
"You let Aizen lick your boobs last night?" She exclaimed.
"It wasn't really long, only like four minutes."
"That's a really long time!" She yelled.
"No it isn't I've had way longer."
"You're disgusting Soi Fon." Toshiro glared.
I glared back. "Look who's talking butt pirate, you made a stripper toss your salad last night. You're the one who's disgusting."
"Stop!" Yoruichi yelled. "I don't want to hear anymore about what you guys did to each others' bodies last night."
Ichigo raised his hand.
"Yes Ichigo."
Ichigo put down his hand and spoke. "I just want to say for the record nothing was done to my penis or my asshole last night."
Yoruichi smacked her face in frustration.
"Ok well whatever Yamamoto wants I think we can handle it, let's just eat."
Everyone agreed and we spent the day anxiously waiting.
Yamamoto finally arrived at five, accompanied by his royal highness Byakuya Kuchiki.
He requested we all meet in the living room.
We all filed in and took seats on the couch. Yamamoto had Byakuya take out a device that looked like a laptop and plugged it into the T.V.
"I have gathered you all here this afternoon because we have received important information that public enemy number one Sosuke Aizen and some of his associates have surfaced near this area." Yamamoto began.
Byakuya stood silently by his side.
Yamamoto turned on the screen and an internet site appeared on the screen. It had a picture of Aizen in the top left corner.
Yamamoto pointed to the screen. "This is Sosuke Aizen's blog. Did you know that Sosuke Aizen has A FUCKING BLOG?"
Yamamoto seemed like he had lost a few marbles and frankly he was scaring me.
"Oh my god he knows." I hissed in Ichigo's ear.
"SHUT UP!" He whispered harshly.
"Now let's just scroll down the page here. Oooo look Aizen has videos! They were taken last night in downtown Tokyo." Yamamoto said maniacally.
My heart sank. He knew.
He scrolled down the page a clicked on a video. The video started playing and it showed myself, Ichigo, Toshiro, Aizen, and Ichimaru drinking and jumping on couches with strippers.
"Now in this next video we have Ichigo doing blow with Ichimaru and a few hookers."
The next video played, and there was ichigo and Ichimaru snorting cocaine off of girl's asses.
"And this next video is my favorite. This is Aizen licking Soi Fon tits and if you look closely in the background you can see Toshiro having sex with a whore."
The last video played and we could see Aizen with his face in my tits and sure enough Toshiro fucking a stripper to the right.
Yamamoto turned of the screen and silently looked at us all for a moment.
"So you're telling me that instead of arresting the two most wanted men in the soul society you decided to DRNK AND DO BLOW AND LET THEM LICK YOUR TITS!" Yamamoto screamed.
"For the record no one licked my tits." Ichigo chimed in.
"I would just like to point out the fact that Toshiro is clearly a butt pirate." I added.
"Well at least I didn't do blow asshole." Toshiro yelled at me.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP, all of you." Yamamoto yelled. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to run the soul society when I have 12 captains running around like a group of little ASSHOLES! And now I have two of my most decorated captains kicking it with the enemy like CHEECH AND FUCKING CHONG!"
"Cheech and Chong smoke weed, we were doing blow so it would be more like Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown." Ichigo corrected.
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! You are a stupid substitute soul reaper and you're good for nothing!"
I raised my hand. "Sir I would just like to point out that I'm not an asshole."
Yamamoto glared at me. "Soi Fon you are the biggest asshole I have ever met. Yoruichi has been in love with you for over 100 years and you don't even give a shit. YOU ARE A HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
My eyes went wide and I sat frozen in my seat. Everyone else went completely quite to. I could feel everyone's eyes upon me. I felt incredibly tense. I knew Yoruichi was looking at me to and I was doing everything not to meet her gaze. Yamamoto continued to speak which relieved me from having to deal with the awkward situation that just happened.
"I should punish all of you." Yamamoto continued. "But instead I'm going to leave Captain Kuchiki here to keep an eye on all of you."
Yamamoto dismissed us and I was glad to go. I needed to get as far away from here as possible. I pretty much ran past Yoruichi to grab my coat. I needed to get outside. I had a hand on my jacket when I felt someone grab my shoulder. I turned my head and I saw that it was Yoruichi.
"Soi fon we should talk." She pleaded.
I shook my head. "Nope we don't need to do that everything is fine."
She pulled me closer. "Soi Fon I'm not stupid, I know what happened in there I really think we need to discuss it."
I ripped my shoulder from her grasp. "We need to discuss nothing, now let me go."
I could see the hurt glistening inher eyes. I glared at her and turned around and ran out the door. I left her there standing heartbroken in my wake. Later, I would realize this would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
What am I doing?