Hello followers I am soo sorry it took me so long to update, but here is a new chapter. Since I guess you're just as sick humored as I am I made this one extra vulgar. If you don't have a vulgar sense of humor I suggest you read other fanfiction. :)
Wandering, wandering, wandering. That's just what I did I wandered around in the cold night aimlessly with no purpose, no destination. My mind was spinning though. I couldn't comprehend everything that just happened. Was Yamamoto speaking the truth? Was Yoruichi really in love with me? I couldn't understand it all, in my mind I had just met Yoruichi. But what was it like before everything went blank? Did I love Yoruichi to? Were we in some sort of relationship? I have no idea. I couldn't make sense of all this, all these feelings I have inside me.
I stopped suddenly when I came to a building that was flying a rainbow flag. I could hear loud music pumping from the inside and lots of people chattering. The sign on the front said "The Range."
Hmm gay bar? That's it I'll get trashed and forget about everything.
I walked into the patio area. There were several fire pits to keep warm and plenty of tables and lush couches.
The bar was very long and there were several people around it. I found an open spot and sat down. A very buffed out bearded gay man approached me.
"What are you drinking sweetie?"
That's not at all what I thought he'd sound like. He had the voice of a 30 year old jersey house wife.
"Red bull and vodka, and be generous with the vodka."
He packed a large glass full of ice and popped open a can of red bull. He tipped over the vodka and the red bull pouring both into the glass. He only poured the red bull for a few seconds before he took it away. He kept pouring the vodka in filling it to the brim.
Damn that's a lot of vodka I thought.
He pushed the drink in front of me. I held out a few yen. He pushed it away and winked.
"Don't worry about it honey."
I made a face. "Do I really seem that pathetic or do I just look like a hot mess?"
He smiled. "Both."
I hung my head.
"Don't worry it's semi fabulous, kind of like a Lindsy Lohan meets Kesha, shitting glitter kind of hot mess."
I looked up. "That's a really fucking hot mess."
"Yeah but it's the best kind."
"Whatever you say." I grumbled.
He looked past me. "Looks like you have some friends."
"What?"
I turned my seat around. Through the crowd I could see Toshiro and his royal highness Byakuya looking around and weaving through people. Suddenly Toshiro looked my way and connected eyes with me.
"Found her!" He yelled.
They pushed through some people and made their way over to me. Toshiro looked genuinely happy to see me.
"We've been looking everywhere for you Soi Fon we were worried after what happened."
I leaned over and took a big sip of my drink. Shit it was strong. I bit my tongue and squeezed my eyes shut.
I looked back at Byakuya and Toshiro. "Correction you were worried Toshiro and Byakuya doesn't give a damn because he's a royal dick."
Byakuya snorted at me. "Head Captain Yamamoto assigned me to watch over you all I need you to come back to the house immediately."
"Fuck you Byakuya I'm not going back to that place, I don't care if you suck my vagina I'm still not going."
"Are you challenging me?" Byakuya glared.
"I don't know do you want to fuck around on my shit your highness?" I sneered.
Toshiro stepped in between us. "Hey you know we don't have to get hostile, maybe we can just hang out here a little while?"
Byakuya stepped back analyzing us with his black eyes. "I suppose we could stay for a little while."
"Do they have food here?" Toshiro asked.
I reached behind the bar and grabbed a menu. "They sure do, let's check this out."
We found a table and ordered food. When we were done Byakuya took his card out of his wallet.
"I suppose I'll pay for it."
Quick as lightning I snatched the card out of his hand.
"What the hell are you doing Soi Fon?" He yelled.
"Look squirrel we're gonna get drunk and you're gonna pay for it because you're an asshole and you deserve it."
"Soi Fon give it back now!"
He tried to snatch it back but I was too quick for him.
Toshiro butt in. "Just grab her genitals, then she'll definitely give it back."
"I am not doing that!"
"Your such a pussy, watch this."
Toshiro reached down and grabbed my crotch hard.
I yelled and jumped out of my seat.
"What the fuck man? That was my clit!"
"Well at least you don't have a penis."
"Doesn't matter its sensitive."
Byakuya held out his hand. "Ok he grabbed your vagina now give it back."
I put his card in my pocket. Then I grabbed his collar and pulled his chest to mine. I put my lips to his left ear.
"Listen to me good pussy bitch. I know your wife died a long time ago and I haven't seen you with anyone since. I know you have needs and I have a proposition for you. If you do this for me I will literally suck your dick. I will cup the balls, stroke the shaft, and drink the gravy. I seriously don't give a fuck."
He pulled his head back and looked at me.
"Fine a few drinks, that's it."
I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "Good choice fag boy."
I turned away and approached the same bartender. I gave him Byakuya's card.
I need a red bull vodka, vodka coke stolle, and a strawberry mojito. And I'd like more alcohol and less mixer."
The bartender smiled and took the card. "Open or closed?"
"Leave it open." I smiled.
I brought the drinks back to the table. "Byakuya the stolle is for you, and Toshiro the mojito is for you because you're a little bitch."
Toshiro sipped his drink. "Suck my little boy nuts."
We all began to drink. But because the drinks were so strong we lost control fast. I kept feeding Byakuya stollies. Everytime he would finish, another, another, another!
Toshiro was such a light weight he was getting shwasted off of bitch drinks.
"Why am I doing this?" Byakuya slurred.
"I don't know you're so fucked." I giggled.
Toshiro leaned over and gave me a little kiss. "You're so fucking hot." He laughed.
I began to run my hands through his hair. "You look like a cute butch lesbian, I want to take you home and do nasty things to you."
He laughed. "Like what?"
"I would scissor you so hard."
He giggled hard.
"Look they're doing karaoke in there." Byakuya pointed.
"Oh my god, do it Byakuya!"
He frowned. "I'm not that drunk."
"I got up and went to the bar."
"I need 5 shots of fireball." I slurred.
"Are you sure?" The bartender asked. "That's like a death sentence."
"At this point in my life I really don't care."
"All right 5 shots of fireball."
He lined up 5 very big shot glasses and filled them up in a row. He put them on a little trey for me. I thanked him and brought it back to our table.
I put my arm around Byakuya. "You're going to drink these in under 90 seconds."
He stared at the small glasses. "Hell fucking no!"
I aggressively pulled back his head and put my mouth on his, biting his lower lip and shoving my tongue in his mouth. I pulled back after a brief moment.
"Now drink the fucking shots, you little bitch."
Byakuya picked up a shot and started drinking fast. By the fourth shot he was shaking.
I pumped my fist in the air. "Drink, drink, drink!"
He finished the last shot and bent over trying to catch his breath.
"You want to go sing now?"
Byakuya sat up and licked the bottom of the shot glass and then smashed it on the floor. "Fuck it."
We walked over to where they were doing karaoke. Toshiro and I went first singing girls just wanna have fun. We hand our arms around each other and we danced around like fools. Byakuya was so drunk he actually volunteered
He got up on stage and pulled off the microphone. The music started and he got really into it.
(Turn around) every now and then
I get a little bit lonely and you're never
Coming round
(Turn around) every now and then
I get a little bit tired of listening to the
Sound of my tears
(Turn around) every now and then
I get a little bit nervous that the best of
All the years have gone by
(Turn around) every now and then
I get a little bit terrified and then I see the
Look in your eyes
(We sang back at him): Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around) Every now and then
I get a little bit restless and I dream of
Something wild
(Turn around) Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like
a child in your arms
(Turn around) Every now and then
I get a little bit angry and I know I've got
To get out and cry
(Turn around) Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified but then I see the
Look in your eyes.
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Byakuya took off his shirt and started to wave it around. Everyone went wild.
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
He got down on his knees and sang his heart out.
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
He finished and everyone went crazy. Who knew a drunk Byakuya was a performer? We went back to our table singing and laughing.
I sighed. "Ok guys probably time to close out."
They both agreed, I went up to the bar to close out and get Byakuya's card back. I got the card back and got the receipt to sign. I looked at the final bill and said 64,615 mother fucking yen. He's gonna kill me when he gets his statement.
I came back to the table and gave Byakuya his card. We were on our way out when a bar back came up to us with a bucket.
"Free condoms guys?"
I stuck my hand in and grabbed a few. I threw them at Toshiro.
"Since you fuck girls now you don't want to plant your seed with your little pee pee, use those please."
Byakuya nudged me. "You should take one since you're a slut."
I glared at him. "I'm a gay female, what the hell am I gonna do with a condom for dicks?"
"Here." The bar back handed me two little packages.
"What's this?"
"Those are female condoms, take them."
I took them and looked them over, then I smiled back at Toshiro and Byakuya.
"We're gonna have some fun boys!"
We stumbled into Urahara's trying to make as little noise as possible, but ultimately failing. It must have been early in the morning because no one was around. We walked in the living room and dumped the condoms on the table.
Toshiro picked one up. "Ok so how do you do this?"
I went and got a cucumber out of the fridge. I opened a condom and I started to put it over the vegetable.
"So just pretend this is your dick and pull it over like this."
"Ok I got it."
Toshiro stripped to his underwear and opened a condom, he put his hands inside his boxers and started to feel around. He fell back on the couch.
"I can't get it on."
"Are you hard?" I asked.
"No, I need someone to jack me off."
"Byakuya will do it."
Byakuya made a face at me. "You do it, I'm not the one whose a fag."
"Oh so because I'm gay I have to suck him off?" I retorted.
"It makes sense." Byakuya sneered.
I grabbed Toshiro by the waist, I grabbed the condom and tried to pull it over him."
"Hey watch it that's the emperor!"
"You call your dick the emperor?"
"Yes I do." Toshiro snorted.
Byakuya threw a female condom at me. "Try on that."
"Fine." I tore the package open.
When I took it out I was stunned. I was a huge latex cylinder with a ring around the top.
"Holy shit that's way bigger than a guy's condom." Toshiro laughed.
"Oh fuck this."
"Well go put it on." Byakuya pointed to the bathroom.
I stripped to my underwear to, and took the huge condom to the bathroom. Byakuya and Toshiro followed me I turned my back towards them and put my hands in my shorts. I was struggling trying to get it up there but it was just too big.
"What's wrong?" Byakuya asked.
"What's wrong? I have the pussy of a 9 year old that's whats wrong. I can't get it up it's too tight."
"Well use something to shove it up."
"Does anyone have a spatula or a long fork?"
Toshiro shook his head. "I don't think we do."
"Shit I need help."
"Count me out." Byakuya said putting up his hands.
Toshiro walked over and knelt down in front of me.
"I think I can get it up I have small hands."
"Toshiro that's like hand sex, that's like lesbian sex."
"Don't think of it as sex, think of it as a hand shake between me and your vagina."
I looked at him for a moment. "I guess that'll be fine."
Toshiro put his hand inside my shorts.
"Stop looking at it!"
"I'm not looking!"
"Yes you are I can see your pervy eyes!"
"You grabbed my dick!"
"Touché."
Then I felt it and I started screaming. " Oh my God he's fucking me!"
Byakuya covered his eyes. "This isn't my life!"
Toshiro grabbed my hip. "Stop moving I almost have it."
"Your hands are not as small as they look asshole!" I screamed.
Then we heard a loud thump and then fast footsteps down the stairs. Suddenly the bathroom door burst open. IT WAS FUCKING YORUICHI!
"I heard screaming is everything-"
She stopped when she saw Toshiro kneeling in front of me with his hand in my shorts.
Byakuya stepped around Yoruichi and left the bathroom. "Mmmm k bye."
"Oh my…wha..what-what is..I-"
"There is a good explanation for this." Toshiro pleaded.
I gulped. "I have no words."