What Goes on Tour Stays on Tour!

Shaman Council

Taboo

Comedy / Friendship

It's the head shaman's stag party, and everyone's having a blast! Until Tony has to stay up with Saboo to take the second shift driving the carpet. Can Saboo handle an entire shift without pushing the ball-bag off the carpet?

"Liquid breakfast! I've had champaign on my Golden Grams, I am steaming!"

Saboo rolled his eyes at the entertainment manager. He just hoped this stag weekend wouldn't turn out like the rodeo party.

"Pace yourself Harrison, this is my stag. Let's go." Harrison cheered as the carpet took off.

They annoyed Dennis with a song Tony pulled out of his ass, but soon they all chanted "We are super magic men, we stay out till five AM, although we're bound by Shaman law, what goes on tour stays on tour!"

"Would you be quiet, please? I can't hear my internal TomTom! We appear to be lost."

"Oh, you are useless!"

"Well, I'm more than happy to let someone else drive."

"I can't drive! I'm shitfaced!"

"Yeah, like if you were sober, you could drive anyway. You can't even reach the pedals, you cleft."

"How dare you? I've got a heavy goods license. There's no one here who's got more miles under their belt than me!"

"Look, save it, you pinky wafer. Let Kirk drive." Saboo pointed to Kirk.

"Kirk can't drive. He's a renowned ram-raider."

"Kirk? Is it true that you've become a vehicular menace; mowing down all in your path?"

"Yes."

The shaman that looked like Boy George smirked; he absolutely adored Kirk's lifestyle.

"Can we stop? I need a wee-wee."

"We were only just in the service station."

"I know, but I didn't need to go then! I'm not a machine, I've got a weak bladder!"

"You are a bladder."

"Anyway, it's not my fault. I couldn't reach the pee-trough! I asked you to pick me up but you just shunned me!"

"I'm sorry, but I do not stoop to pick up men in the urinals."

"That's not what I've heard."

"Oohh!" Saboo pretended like he shot Dennis with an arrow.

"You walked right into it!"

"We are super magic men, we stay out till five AM, although we're bound by Shaman law, what goes on tour stays on tour!"

"This is an outrage!"

"Oh come on Harrison, what are you so outraged about?" He thought.

"I'm not sure. Gimme a while, I'll think about it."

"You berk! How are you outraged if you don't know what about?" Tony laughed.

The head Shaman cleared his throat."Alright, who takes the second shift?" No one volunteered. "Saboo."

"Yes sire."

"And . . ."

"And," he asked, rather surprised.

"Harrison." Saboo groaned and the pink thing laughed.

"Please, not him!"

"Saboo, you know I do not like to sleep when he is around. I trust you will make him behave."

"Yes sire." The shamans all settled around the carpet, and were very soon lulled to sleep. Tony moved up next to Saboo.

"Why doesn't he trust me?"

"Shall I make a list?" Tony nodded. "Alright. You've almost over dosed him several times while he slept, somehow you've drawn on his face, even with the lack of a thumb, you've almost drowned him when you stuck that beer bong down his throat, you've-"

"I get it." Tony cleared his throat. "So you don't love me?"

"Oh my God Tony, don't think I'm afraid to push you off this carpet."

"Fine." He cleared his throat again. "So here's the story from A to Z you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully, we got Em in the place who likes it in your face we got G like MC who likes it on an easy V, doesn't come for free-"

"Tony, I swear."

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never e-hends."

"Tony."

"I'll shut up now." He started humming.

"Tony."

"Sorry." They sat in silence. "Do you want to play the licence plate game?"

"We're a flying carpet."

"You want to play it with birds?"

"No, Harrison, I don't."

The pink thing nodded. "What do you want to do?"

"Be as far away from you as possible." Tony nodded, thinking. "I have a question, Tony. How exactly do you do poppers?"

"Well you just pop the lid off and-"

"No, how do you do poppers?"

"I have a guy who opens it for me. Pedro, the same guy who writes my emails." Saboo nodded. "I've got a question for you."

"Shoot."

"Why don't you love me?"

"Tony, I don't love you, and I never will, I never did."

"What about girls? They say they love each other to their friends. Why don't guys do that?"

"No offence Harrison, but I'm not your friend."

"Aww, come on! You're my friend!"

"Why? I threw you off a carpet!"

"Naboo, the ape, and Kirk are too weird, Dennis has a low tolerance, and that one looks like Boy George! You're the only normal one."

"That being said, I do suppose you're one of my closer acquaintances. One of the most normal ones, even though you're just a head."

"So, go on then, say it. Say I'm a friend."

"You're my-"

"Say my name."

"This isn't getting sexual, right?"

"Say it!"

"Tony Harrison, you are a friend of mine."

"I love you." Tony waited. "There are two proper answers to that question, neither of which you have said."

"I know."

"Is that a response to my declaration of love or your acknowledgement that you hadn't said the correct answer?"

"Both. And neither. Like Schrodinger's cat."

"I'm going to keep on annoying you until we're finished, so you better get on with it."

"Fine," Saboo sighed. "I love you too." Tony grinned. "If you mention this to anyone-"

"What goes on tour stays on tour." Saboo nodded, relived. "But you just said you loved me, how gay is that?" Saboo hit the creature in the middle of its head. "OWW!" Saboo smirked, slightly speeding up.