It's hard, not getting what you set your eyes on. Elena Gilbert is used to not getting what she wants, though.
That was never the hard part.
The hard part was admitting to herself there's something she wants.
Especially when that something is Stefan Salvatore.
She went back to the time when she had lost him for the first time. She missed him so much back them. She was such a scared little girl. She still is. She's not that little anymore, but she's equally scared. Scared of what she wants, of what she always wanted.
She kept preaching to Stefan how love is nothing to be afraid of, and it's not. But everything love brings with itself is something to be afraid of. The chance of getting disappointed, abandoned, having something so wonderful and then it being taken away from you.
She also remembered how fast missing him turned into hating him. How fast she started resenting him and rolling her eyes whenever she had seen him. And it made her so bitter.
It made her so close minded to everything else around her.
She spent a lot of time convincing herself she hates him. She spent a lot of time under the belief she hates him.
And now, she's surprised by how little she actually hates him. Or how little it took for her to warm up to him again.
How fast she started feeling for him again. All it took was few days, few nice words, looks and awkward moments, and she was looking at him the same way she was looking at him six years ago. Like he's the only person on this planet she actually needs.
And then, she started falling for him, which she only realized when he kissed her. When she found herself stunned that she had allowed him to kiss her.
And that she wants him to continue kissing her.
In that moment she remembered all the hate she thought she feels for him, she remembered every ounce of pain he had caused her, and she disregarded it.
Because she remembered all of the good moments as well, and they overshadowed the bad ones.
It also took her by surprise how fast she decided that she could handle all of the bad moments if that means she's going to get all of the good ones back.
Which is when she kissed him back. When she realized she wants him as well.
When she realized how much she enjoys being in his embrace, and how soft his skin feels on his, and how much pleasure his lips on hers allow her.
She realized Stefan Salvatore is the one thing that's been missing, and she found herself doing something she never thought she would do.
She was ready to be his in every way possible. And how much she wanted it scared her a bit.
Allowing herself to want it one day, and then losing it even before she got it the other day, made her face major disappointment.
She decided not to let it show. She was successfully pretending all these years, so who is to say she can't keep on doing so.
Once you taste a little piece of Heaven, it's hard to go back, though.
So she packed her things and before she went down to the hotel lobby to meet her friends, she tried to paralyze a smile on her face. Which she succeeded to do.
She was successful in keeping it for quite some time. All the way until bus started moving towards the airport, and the realization she's really leaving Rome and everything it gave her behind, had hit her.
There was no rain, but the city seemed grey. Like the storm is heading its way. She was sad she has to say goodbye to the city in such matter, because the weather has been lovely all the way through their stay.
She pressed her head on the bus window and silently said her goodbyes to the city and the people in it, strangers she did not even know and who did not care for her.
"Elena?" Caroline says her name gently, too gently in Elena's opinion, as they made themselves comfortable in their airplane seats. As much as one can get comfortable in the airplane. "Is there something wrong?" Caroline touches her friends hand, "You've been sulky all the way to the airport," Elena pulls her hand instantly and Caroline eyes her wearily.
The airplane sets off the ground. In a little more than ten hours they will be home.
Where everything is the same. Like nothing happened. Like they were never gone.
Elena looked at her friends as she wiggled her lips. Caroline and Bonnie shot her a curious look, waiting for an answer.
She pondered on should she or shouldn't she tell them what happened.
As she saw it, she had two choices.
She could lie to them and tell them everything is okay, that she's only sad because they're leaving. Should could keep on pretending like nothing has happened, and that's something she did not want to do.
She was tired of pretending.
The plane could go down any minute now and no one would ever know.
She jumped on her seat a little. What a horrible thought, she thought to herself, to think about the plane going down. She gripped the edges of her seat.
"There is something," she said, determined to say the truth.
Caroline and Bonnie leaned closer to her.
"There's something I haven't told you guys," she bit on her bottom lip.
Caroline's eyes popped out and Bonnie frowned. Caroline was too curious to let her mind think rationally, so she had let it wander, but Bonnie knew whenever there was something Elena didn't tell them, it ended badly.
"I did something socially acceptable," Elena says silently.
Caroline cocks an eyebrow in her direction. "You went out and had fun?" she mocks her.
"Actually, yes," Elena furrows her brows, not finding Caroline's joke amusing at all.
Bonnie gasps. "When?"
"Two days ago," Elena sighs, slightly pulling her look away from her friends, out of some reason unable to look at them, "Rebekah and Stefan were getting ready in our room, preparing to sneak out to this club. Rebekah invited me, and of course, I declined. But then Stefan," Elena can see Bonnie's surprised expression when she doesn't call him Salvatore, but she continues nevertheless, "Kept saying how I would never do anything to break the rules."
"So of course, you had to go out," Caroline said happily, like she's finally proving her point, "Just to prove him wrong," she said smugly.
Elena nodded in her direction with a smirk on her face. Caroline was enjoying this a little bit too much.
"I had few drinks," Elena said, smiling at the memory, "More than few, actually," she starts playing with her fingers nerously. "I was dancing, talking to some Italian guys who kept buying us drinks," Elena's smile becomes wider and she goes deeper in the memory.
"And you hooked up with Stefan," Caroline makes a lucky guess, silently, for which Elena is thankful, but at the same time surprised because it's not one of Caroline's virtues.
"Caroline!" Bonnie smacks her friends arm as she exclaims her name, "Stop interrupting her. She would never do such a thing!" Bonnie says, thinking she's doing Elena favor.
Caroline starts caressing her arm on the spot where Bonnie had smacked her while glaring curiously at Elena.
Elena's cheeks start burning with blush as she turns her head away from her friends.
Bonnie gasps loudly. "Elena?" she says her friends name like she's asking her to tell her it's not true.
"You did it, didn't you?" Caroline says victoriously, "You made out with him?" a wide smile appears on her face.
Elena turns her head rapidly, her cheeks still red, fire present in her eyes. "I did more than make out with him," she snaps through her teeth.
A smile disappears from Caroline's face, and Bonnie's eyes pop out of her sockets more than Elena thought is humanly possible.
"You didn't!" Bonnie says horrified.
"What if I did? What if I slept with him? Would I be that much of a different person? Would I be someone else than I was five minutes before we fell into bed together?" she points that question more to herself than to her friends, trying to figure out what opinion would she have of herself if she indeed ended up sleeping with him.
There's an awkward silence between them. Silence that makes her wish she's in Stefan's company again, because silence with him is always pleasant.
"Well, did you?" Caroline asks curiously.
Elena shoots a sharp look to her while wiggling her lips. "Almost," she admits through an exhale, "I wanted to."
"What stopped you?" Caroline asks curiously, getting into the subject again.
"Nothing," Elena swallows, "Something stopped him," she lowers her look, embarrassed in a way, even though she did not know why.
Caroline and Bonnie share a confused look.
Bonnie clears her throat with a cough, "So, you're trying to tell us you offered him sex and he declined?"
Elena huffs. "Well, not right away. We were making out for a long time and when we arrived to the hotel room he even - " Elena stops herself when she realizes her friends really don't need to know everything Stefan did to her.
Her look locks with the looks of her friends before she shakes her head and continues, "Anyway, when he reached the bed - "
"Reached the bed?" Caroline interrupts her, emphasizing the word reached, "Where were you before?" she furrows her brows.
Elena's cheeks flush again. "On the dresser," she says silently, tilting her head a little as a light smile appears on her face.
"You little vixen," Caroline says, rather loudly, putting her hand over her mouth once she realizes how loud she was.
She motions Elena to continue.
"Well, he pulled away," she says, "I tried to convince him it's okay, but he said how drunk I am and how I don't want him, how I'm simply horny," she says the last word in a sentence as some more blush attacks her cheeks.
Neither Caroline or Bonnie say a thing, and the only thing Elena feels is a tugging feeling on her chest.
"So I guess you were right Caroline," Elena says, happy she got that off her chest, "I'm among 90% of the girls in Mystic Falls who pine over Stefan Salvatore," so why does she still feels this empty?
Why does she still feel like something has been taken away from her?
Something more than her pride.
"So, what now?" Bonnie asks, judgment gone from her voice.
Elena looks at her, trying to seem warm, "Nothing," she says with a harpy voice, "He has made that perfectly clear."
"Stefan," Rebekah whines his name, pulling onto his shirt, "Stop being such a mood dropper," she says silently, even though Elena is sitting nowhere near them, "People do stupid things when they're drunk," she tries to cheer him up.
"I wasn't drunk," he murmurs.
She furrows her brows. "What?" she asks, even though she had heard him perfectly clear the first time around, "But I thought you said - "
"I know what I said," he removes his hand from his mouth and looks at his best friend, "Now I'm telling you the truth. I had only few drinks. I was perfectly sober," he looks at her, guilt written all over his face.
He never lied to Rebekah. She's the one person he was always able to be honest with.
He thought he will never have to lie to her.
"Why did you - "
"Lie?" he interrupts her again, "Because admitting it to someone else means it actually happened."
Rebekah looks at him gently. She never asked questions before. He never gave her a reason to.
"Stefan," she says his name through a whisper, "It happened whether you admit it to someone or not."
He looks at her, afraid she will be angry at him for lying to her. She's not, though. At least she doesn't seem to be.
So he asks himself what did he do to deserve her.
"It's funny, you know, how things can change in a second?" a faint smile appears on his face, "She has these annoying little habits like leaving her curling iron on the floor. Looking herself in the mirror while she's brushing her teeth. Wiggling her lips when there's something she doesn't want to say. Rolling her eyes at every damn thing I say, like she expects me to say something annoying," he shakes his head, and Rebekah wonders when did he have time to pick up on all these things, "There's a bunch of things like that, things she did not possess when she was younger," his smile becomes wider as he speaks, "And it's funny how fast I grew accustomed to them. Or to having her in my life," he huffs like he's surprised with his own realization.
Rebekah smiles as well. "Maybe you don't hate her as much as you think you do."
Stefan locks his look on Rebekah's before he says, "I don't think I hate her at all."
A smile disappears from her face as surprise washes over it.
"So, why don't you tell her then?" she encourages him.
"There's no point," he shakes his head.
"Why are you so scared?"
"Why do everyone think I'm scared?" he frowns, "Maybe I simply don't want to be with her."
"Because there's no way you can feel like this for someone without wanting to be with them if it's possible," Rebekah makes him shoot her a look.
"Well, I already told her off," he says smugly.
"Why?"
Stefan furrows his brows. Good question.
"Because there's nothing in this world that makes me more happy and more sad than her."
AN: There wasn't much development in this chapter, but their friends are a big part of their lives, so I think this was necessary.
Also, I did not do a time skip. I simply did not write their thoughts when they woke up, but later that day.