That night after Kaidan had made love to her, Jane lay unmoving with his arm over her chest staring at the ceiling. The hours drifted by and she couldn't sleep. She wanted to answer Nihlus, wanted to ask what he meant and who had told him those things but she couldn't bring herself to message him back. She glanced once at Kaidan's face, peaceful in sleep and felt a guilty pang in her chest. How after everything they had been through could she tell him? Tell him that with just one message from Nihlus that she knew she would always be in love with him.

It wasn't fair to Kaidan he was good to her. But as she rolled to her side facing away from him trying to make her heart agree with her mind that she could love Kaidan that they could have a life together, her thoughts even in her dreams were with Nihlus and she awoke the next morning no closer to an answer than she had gone to sleep with.

Jane sat on the edge of the bed as Kaidan dressed. She was quiet, unmoving and Kaidan watched her trying to ignore the fact that she couldn't seem to make eye contact with him. She just sat on the bed staring at her hands twirling the ring he had given her soon after proposing. It was a striking green emerald same colour of her eyes that he loved so much.

"So Jane, I got a message from Commander Davis this morning. We've been invited to the christening of one of the newest ships to the fleet. It was designed by both Alliance and Turian tech. This is a big step for us since the First Contact War ended. I've accepted for us, it should be something to see. Everyone is going to be there. I know you hate these things but I didn't think we could really say no. Not with our active duty assignments coming up and.." He trailed off as she still hadn't looked up at him.

"Jane, baby. Are you feeling alright? I'm worried about you." He kneeled in front of her and lifted her face to his and kissed her gently.

"If something is wrong you need to tell me, I'm going to be your husband soon and I need to be able to help you." He tried to ignore the fact that she visibly flinched when he mentioned their pending wedding.

Shaking her head Jane dropped her hand from where it was spinning the ring on her finger and stood to get dressed.

"It's nothing, I'm fine. I need coffee that's all."

But coffee was far from the only thing she needed.

~~00o00~~

Powell downed his drink and took Lambert by the hand as they stood around a table in the reception area.

"So Shep where you think they're going to assign us? I have it on good authority they want to keep us together as a team. Bloody good thing too, not sure anyone else could stand you for any amount of time. Well that is except for Alenko here, but he seems to like punishment."

Kaidan and Lambert chuckled but Jane barely looked up from her drink.

"What sorry Powell what was that?"

"You know he's screwing with you, you're a million miles away Shep and he was trying to get a rise out of you. What's going on?"

Jane waved her hands pushing the question away. "Nothing, everything is fine, I just hate these things you know that."

Lambert nodded but the look she gave her was one of knowing and it made that guilty feeling flood through her stomach again causing her to feel like she was going to be ill.

"Excuse me guys I've got to find a washroom."

Kaidan squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek before she could pull back.

"I know, not here. You'll let me know if you need to leave Jane. Your colour is off, even more than normal for an event like this." She nodded and she pulled her hand out of his. "I love you baby." He whispered and she nodded once more before making her way to the hall.

Jane rubbed her temples as she made her way through the hall towards the washrooms. The last thing she needed now was a migraine. As she made to turn the corner Jane froze. There was someone down the dark hallway on her right.

"Jane."

She would have known that voice anywhere.

"Nihlus?" Before his name was even completely out of her mouth he had her in his arms pressed against the wall and she instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist her hands going to the base of his fringe as he laid his head against hers.

"Jane." He whispered her name and her body responded instantly to him.

He pressed himself firmly against her as he nuzzled down her neck nipping as he went.

"Spirits Jane I forgot how soft you are." As he came to the base of her neck and shoulder he stopped.

"Damn it Jane you smell like him." It took every ounce of restraint he had to not bite down on her in his need to have her as his again.

The mention of Kaidan snapped her back to reality but she couldn't bring herself to try to push away from him. Her hands moved to his mandibles and she stroked gently smiling at the rumble that started deep in his chest.

"What are you doing here?"

He groaned pulling back from where he was nipping along her neck.

"I'm here for the Council they have quite a stake in that new ship everyone is celebrating. I was hoping you'd come love. I saw you leave the room I had to come find you. When you didn't answer my message I thought." Jane nuzzled into his neck and he growled low in his throat.

"Don't love; I don't think I can take that now without being able to have you."

She blinked a few times trying to pull herself back together and laid a hand on his chest and removed her legs from around his waist.

"Put me down." He growled again but complied reluctantly.

"I wanted to answer you, but I.." Jane's eyes darted towards the hall and the reception room.

Nihlus's eyes followed hers down the hall and he snorted.

"Kaidan. I know I can smell him on you, you have no idea what that does to me Jane."

Jane narrowed her eyes and for the first time felt angry.

"You left me Nihlus." She punctuated this with a poke to his chest.

"So don't be angry because I smell like another male."

He growled and made to pull her back against him but she stepped away from him and he washed a hand over his face and sighed.

"Jane I was wrong I shouldn't have listened.." She silenced him with a raised finger.

"Maybe you can explain that now. What the hell did that mean?"

"Saren, the one from the ball I was with. He told me that your commanding officers told him they had picked your mate Jane that Kaidan was always to be your mate and that you had agreed to it and that I was not to write you anymore. I had no choice at the time but to agree. Love I'm so sorry." He pulled her flush against him and nuzzled down into her neck.

"I'm too late aren't I? Was it true then Jane? Had you taken him to be your mate and you were just afraid of telling me?"

Jane shoved back from him again.

"No Nihlus, Kaidan and I were never together before you wrote me that damn note. I don't know why Saren would have told you that. I don't know why my officers would have told him that. It wasn't true. But what is true is that you believed him and you left me."

"No love I didn't, I had to.

"I thought I could forget you and let you go. But you were always in my thoughts. After you messaged me I haven't been able to think straight."

"Then why do you smell like him Jane?"

"Because I'm with him now Nihlus. We're supposed to be married and then you're here and now I know someone tried to keep us apart and I don't know what to think anymore."

"Married?"

"It's like the human form of mating."

"Then you haven't yet?"

"No."

"Don't Jane, wait, think of our house on Randiv, your dad the things we always wanted. There may be a way that we could still have all of it."

"How? My life is here, with the Alliance. Yours is hell Nihlus I don't even know what you're doing anymore."

"I said I would explain in time Jane and I will."

She was staring at her hands and he lifted her chin with a talon.

"Tell me you love him, tell me you want to be his and I will leave Jane. Just tell me you don't love me anymore."

"Spirits you know I love you."

"Do you love him?"

Jane paused and bit her lip.

"It's different. He's always been there for me, he would never hurt me."

"Damn it Jane, I will spend the rest of my life making that up to you. Just give me that chance."

She shook her head.

"I don't know what to think about any of this, I need time Nihlus..." She spun into the hall and ran headlong into Kaidan who caught her in his arms.

"Hey, sweetie you okay?" His voice trailed off as he looked up at the very large red Turian behind her. He recognised him instantly.

"Jane, what's going on?"

Nihlus growled as Kaidan's arms went around her.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at Nihlus and gave him the same look that he had been on the receiving end of so many years ago. Don't touch what isn't yours. Kaidan pulled Jane away and back towards the reception room.

As they entered the room again Jane was so torn she didn't know which direction to run. But as Kaidan turned her towards him they were interrupted by Commander Davis.

"Shepard, your team's weekend pass is cancelled. Grab your gear; you'll be briefed upon arrival."

As he walked away Kaidan began to speak and Jane walked away from him.

"Not now, you heard Davis we need to get Lambert and Powell and move out."

He sighed but fell in line.

They were in full gear and in a shuttle by the time Davis finally addressed them. They had already been traveling by ship for hours and now on the shuttle the air was tense as Davis stood on vid before them.

"We just got intel that classified documents have been stolen. These documents in the wrong hands could prove catastrophic not only for the Alliance but her newly found allies as well. The group we believe stole them are N7. This team dropped of radar a month ago. They had been on a black-ops mission and we believed them lost. This team is composed of seasoned vets. Do not take them lightly, the team isn't important, dead or alive you get us those documents back is that understood?"

"Yes Sir."

"Get this done Shepard. Davis out."

Jane looked at the faces of her squad, Powell and Lambert seemed calm relaxed even. But when her eyes met Kaidan's she knew he was anything but calm.

"Jane."

"No Kaidan, this isn't the time. Keep your mind on the mission we drop in five."

The drop was easy but as Jane opened her omni-tool looking for the last known position of the rogue team she would have sworn she saw the sand move.

"This doesn't feel right."

"Oi what Shepard? I don't see anything but sand." Powell kicked his boot into the sand as if to emphasize the point.

"Right but I.." Before she could finish her thought the sand shifted and four armed men stood up sand pouring off their obviously marked N7 armour effectively surrounding them.

"Fuck me." Powell sighed as the men motioned for them to lower their weapons.

"Anyone else get the feeling we just got set the fuck up?"

"Quiet Powell." Jane took stock of the men surrounding her, they had the advantage.

"Drop your weapons." Jane lowered her riffle and her team followed.

They were instantly moved upon and black bagged with their hands bound behind them.

They walked for what Jane guessed must have been close to two hours before she felt the ground beneath them change and the heat left. They must be inside and judging by the temperature and slope of the ground they were headed underground.

They were seated on chairs and Jane's bag was removed.

The men that surrounded their four chairs were unmoving except for one. She didn't recognise him as he pulled up a chair in front of her.

"Jane Shepard. We've read a lot about you. Your file is extremely interesting; the classified bits make for very good reading."

Jane sat unmoving staring at him in silence.

"I bet you have no idea what it says in here."

Jane spoke.

"I have an idea and I don't really care. I don't even know why it's classified everyone knows."

The man quirked an eyebrow at her and chuckled.

"No, I don't think they do." He shook his head at her and leaned forward.

"First off now that you're talking I'm Taylor, the rest of my team as you've been told is N7 like yourself. You've been sent to recover data that we stole am I right? But how did we know where you were going to be dropped you're asking yourself. Tell me Jane, if we didn't want to be found would we have been? So we let them or rather you, find us. That's right because we needed something; you."

"Why could you possibly need me? I don't even know what you stole. Besides the fact you've pissed off the entire Alliance so I assume it's big."

Taylor chuckled and leaned back in the chair crossing his arms.

"I don't need information from you. I need Hackett. He's the only one with access to the other files I need. I'm going to trade you, for them."

Jane snorted a laugh.

"I think you overestimate how much I'm worth to the Alliance let alone Hackett. We're just one team. They'll send another, besides you know how it works. The Alliance will never work with you for a trade. Its policy, you damn well know that. They won't even take a call from you at this point. My team was to kill you and recover. You know the drill so why would you even think this would work?"

Taylor's lips curved in a sly smirk that Jane wished she could wipe off his face.

"You remember how I said the classified bits of your file are the best part? You thought I was talking about your Turian daddy right? Or maybe your time and torture on Jump Zero? No Jane there is far more interesting things. Let's start at the beginning." Her dossier flipped before him.

"Placed into genetic and biotic doctors care from the age of two, showed signs of responding to all treatments well; one of three to survive initial genetic modifications. Rapid healing and agility noted."

Jane's face was blank as he paused to watch her reaction.

"Then it goes into how the base was raided by your Turian father. You know he and his team killed everyone there in the bombing right? Child Jane Shepard considered killed in raid. Then of course your file was closed until years later."

He paused again watching her before turning his eyes back down.

"Let's see blah blah blah raised by Turian military personnel Ganis Vandrel which of course everyone knows. Ahh your stent at Jump Zero. This is good. Placed in care of Kaidan Alenko, family had been pre selected for military lineage as well as superior biotic quality in Kaidan. Underwent heavy mental and physical torture on Jump Zero; joined service with Kaidan at our urging, must be separated from Turian influence, allowed contact with Turian father."

He laughed and motioned towards Kaidan.

"You feel like a rat in a maze yet Jane? They've directed you pretty much from birth. Hell you're not even really fully human."

Jane's mouth was drawn into a firm line, her eyes didn't move from his.

"So you think they're going to trade whatever you want for a genetically modified soldier? I doubt it."

"No Jane I'm not done yet." He stood pacing before her.

"The most interesting part about this is you'd think you would have been maybe a test tube baby. Right? No you'd be wrong. But who would offer up their own child for genetic modification? Let's see, birth date. You were born in April did you know that? I doubt it as it says here you've always celebrated it in October. Name, Jane Ann Shepard. Mother, Ann Shepard/deceased."

He stared at her licked his lips and cleared his throat.

"Father, Steven Hackett."

He smiled and pulled the chair closer to her and sat leaning forward his hands clasped before him.

"So you see Jane, he may not trade for a simple soldier no matter how much you cost them, but what about his daughter? You're going to make the call Jane, since you're correct that they won't take one from me. You'll make the call and you'll ask dear ol' dad to save your life. Because I can promise you, if you don't, I'll kill each and every one of your team and then you if you don't."

Jane's mind was racing it wasn't possible.

"Bullshit I don't believe you, I won't make that call."

Taylor nodded, "Yes I thought you might say that. I told you Jane, I've read your file front to back. I know how well you handle torture so I'll start with this."

He stood and walked behind where Lambert sat pulled his pistol and leveled it at the back of her head.

"I gave you one warning Jane." He pulled the trigger and the shot reverberated off the walls as Lamberts head jerked and slumped forward.

Jane heard herself scream. "How the fuck can you shoot your own N7? Why are you doing this?"

She could hear the muffled sobs from the struggling Powell.

"I know you Jane because I am you, but I didn't get out. I was put back into training and more testing. Never met my father or mother; dead by what my files say. Killed during the First Contact War; so I was put into the genetics program one of the three that lived; I'm sick of being controlled by the Alliance and I'm going to stop it, I'm going to destroy the Alliance."

He stepped behind Powell.

"Make the call Jane."

Every ounce of training she'd ever received told her not to agree. Don't give in, the few for the many. If this could end the Alliance how many lives were at stake? She couldn't. So she fumbled for anything to say anything to buy her time to think.

"I get it; you don't think I'm pissed? Of course I am. They ruined our lives Taylor, but what did you do about it? You can't just kill innocent people because of what one group did to us. Listen, my dad always said, sometimes we go through things to make sure that no one else has to. Don't you think we could do some good where we are? Make sure this doesn't happen again?"

Taylor shook his head.

"Wrong Jane, it's too late." He pulled the trigger and she screamed as Powell slumped forward in the chair.

He moved again this time behind Kaidan.

"I know they tricked you Jane, I know they forced you away from everything you ever loved. But you can't tell me you don't feel something for him."

He pulled the bag off of Kaidan's head and his eyes instantly found hers. The gag was still firmly in his mouth.

"Do you think he knew? Do you think he's been in on it this whole time? That's the thing Jane, when you find out like I did, you don't know who to trust anymore. Do you trust him? Do you love him? Make the call Jane. Or you'll never find out."

Jane stared into Kaidan's eyes, they were filled with tears but he shook his head, she knew he was telling her not to do it.

Her heart ached and as she went to nod the door behind them crashed open and the room was flooded with a flash of light. Flash bomb she thought as she and Kaidan were pushed to the ground. The rifle fire above them was brief as those coming in the door had the drop. She looked up to see Taylor back against a wall his pistol still in his hand. His eyes found hers as he lifted it to his own head. He smiled sadly at her and she looked away as she heard the pistol fire.

Jane was numb as she was pulled to her feet. Kaidan was being untied and she couldn't bear to look towards where they were checking Powell and Lambert. She already knew. There was no possible way.

No one spoke to them as they were escorted out of the bunker and to the evac zone. It was protocol she knew. They were to be debriefed and in a situation like this no one was to say anything.

As they sat on the shuttle Jane knew Kaidan was watching her but she couldn't look at him. Had he known? Was the only thought in her head as they were brought to Vila Militar as that was where Davis and Anderson were for debriefing.

They sat alone in the room, neither of them tried to talk as Davis and Anderson entered.

They each gave their report of what happened after they were dropped on the planet. Anderson stood his back to them. Davis nodded as Jane finished. Her report was cold angry and she could feel her outer calm failing.

"Commander Davis." He nodded to her.

"Did you know?"

"Know what Shepard?"

"Everything? Besides what the Alliance has kept from me. Did you know they would be waiting for us?"

"You did your job Shepard. We knew what they might be planning. We needed a team on the ground to pinpoint them so we could eliminate that threat."

"Half my fucking team was just killed Sir. And you fucking knew?"

His eyes didn't leave her accusing gaze.

"You know better than anyone Jane, the few for the many. We knew you would obey that rule. We know how you were raised there was no other choice."

"You needed me there because you knew what he wanted. You knew he wanted to use me to get to Admiral Hackett." She practically spit his name.

"You've used me. You've used me since the beginning."

"That's enough Shepard. You're dismissed."

"How many of you knew?"

Anderson turned to Jane, his look was soft, sad.

"Shepard, you saw what this did to Taylor. We couldn't risk."

"Don't bother sir. I understand perfectly what you've all done." She stood to leave turning away from all of them towards the door.

"What are you going to do Shepard?"

She paused on her approach to the door and swallowed but didn't turn back.

"My Job Sir. What else can I do? I'll be arrested if I try and leave." She set her jaw.

"I was raised by my father to do my duty. I will. But I want you to know, you won't be controlling me anymore."

With that she left the room and Anderson's eyes dropped to Kaidan.

He couldn't move he could barely blink.

"I'm sorry Alenko, it wasn't supposed to work out like this."

"Really? How did you think it would work out? Did you really think she would never find out? I love her Anderson and now she thinks I did this with you. She'll never trust me again."

Kaidan stood.

"Sir." He didn't salute just walked out of the room and Anderson turned to the screen where Hackett had listened in to the debriefing.

"What now Sir?"

"You keep her and Alenko together Captain."

"You heard him Sir, she'll never trust him again. Besides sending them off to God knows where together could end up very badly if she doesn't trust him as part of her new squad."

"You're right Captain, that's why I'm placing them directly under your charge on the Normandy. Keep an eye on them. She's a soldier, one of our best she'll recover."

"Like you did Sir?"

"Thank you Captain that will be all."

"Sir, she knows about you, how are you going to handle it?"

"I'm not Captain. I doubt she will want it recognised. Carry on."

"God damn it sir. She's your daughter you should be taking care of this. You just had Davis send her in to a situation where you knew she could be killed where her team would most likely be killed and you're just going to let her, recover?"

"I said carry on Captain."

And with that the comm went dead and Anderson sat in the chair at his desk head in his hands. He heard Davis leave the room.

If something wasn't done his ship would become a war zone; an XO that won't trust him and her complicated relationship with his Staff Lieutenant. Fucking perfect...

~~00o00~~

Kaidan found Jane a few hours later alone bottle in hand at their old bunk.

"Jane.."

She wobbled as she turned towards him taking a long drag out of the bottle she held.

"Alenko." He flinched at the cold tone in her voice. He watched her waiting for her to fall but she didn't just turned back to the bunk staring at it.

"Jane maybe we should get you back inside."

"Shut it Alenko, maybe you should have told me? Maybe if I would have known what I was getting into Powell and Lambert wouldn't be dead because of me." She rounded on him.

"How could you Alenko? How could you fucking stand there and tell me you loved me when they had this planned from the start. How could you lie to me?"

"Jane no, I swear I didn't know. I would never lie to you."

"Right, and I'm supposed to trust you? Like I trusted them? No, I won't ever make that mistake again."

Kaidan reached out for her arm and she ripped it away from him.

"Don't touch me Alenko."

"I'm the one that lied Jane? You think so? I had no idea about any of this. But you, you lied to me. You've been in love with Nihlus even though you're with me. And you know what I'm okay with that because I understand. Don't you tell me I've lied to you. I love you Jane and that's not going to just stop."

Jane's face went blank and she narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't you dare bring Nihlus into this when it was their fault he left.. When it was your fault... And don't fucking tell me if I loved you or not."

"Jane don't do this. I'll never give up on you I'll never stop loving you."He stepped closer and tried to pull her into his arms.

"Jane, it's me Kaidain you know me and how much I love you."

She pulled away and lowered a glare at him before turning and walking away.

"Yeah, I thought I did."