Garrus sat up with a start; he looked around the small room, Jane's room. The smell he realized was what had awoken him. The smell was so foreign, yet as familiar as the scent of his freshly oiled gun. It smelled like Jane, like the Normandy used to smell. The smell was coffee.
Leaving the room, Garrus stood at the entrance to the kitchen, and watched as Ganis fiddled with a cup. He wasn't drinking it, just staring down into it.
Garrus understood what must be going through his mind, and not wishing to interrupt, he quietly turned to go back to Jane's room. Just as his back was to the kitchen, he heard Ganis speak.
"It reminds me of her, and those last days I got to spend with her. The smell is so rich; I can imagine her walking through the door, and pouring a cup. She'd lean against the counter, watching everyone else eat. I would chide her for not eating, and she would laugh at me, smile and pat me on the shoulder. I can hear her voice, telling me not to worry daddy."
Garrus turned back to the kitchen, and watched as Ganis's head fell. Sobs of pain and sorrow filled the small space.
Garrus had no words, he stood silent by his side, letting the anguish wash over him. As the sobs subsided, he laid a hand on Ganis's shoulder.
"It's her birthday today. I used to take her out to the range; she never wanted the things most children do. She wanted a new rifle, and for me to teach her how to sight it properly."
Garrus couldn't help but smile.
"Yeah, that sounds like Jane Sir. I can't see her playing with dolls like my sisters used to, but that, you and her out at the range, that I can see."
Ganis nodded, staring off at the wall in thought.
"She's my entire life; I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's been almost a month, and I still can't get up in the morning without thinking that I should hear from her today. I try to tell myself she's just gone on a mission, so she can't write me now. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't let her go, not yet."
"Jane isn't really gone Sir. She touched our lives, in ways we'll never forget. Her journal you gave me, it helped me understand so much, yet at the same time, I wonder if any of us really knew or understood what she had gone through. I've even come to understand Kaidan a little, from what happened at Jump Zero. In a way Sir, I'm happy for Jane. She doesn't have to deal with any of this anymore." Garrus paused, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"She's with Nihlus again. She loved him so much; it almost hurt to read about her separation from him the first time."
Ganis frowned. "I know she loved Nihlus, they were thrown together as kids, and she looked to him for so much. But, Garrus don't think she didn't care for you."
Garrus chuckled softly.
"I don't think that Sir, I'll never forget the short time I had with her, nor the impact she had on me. There will always be a place for her, in my heart."
Ganis shoved the cup of coffee away, stepping back from the counter.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do Garrus? I know your father has been after you for some time."
Garrus rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, and shrugged.
"Headed back to C-Sec, I suppose. My father, in all of his fatherly wisdom, has told me to stop wasting my life. I need to make something of myself. I think he must have missed the news feeds, of us destroying Sovereign, killing Saren and saving the Council."
Chuckling, Ganis grabbed a small data pad from the counter.
"He wants what any father wants, for their child. They want to see them succeed, and to be happy. He wants to see you settled, start a life. He's just a little more Turian about it than some of us."
Garrus sighed deep in his chest. "I know what he wants, he wants me to go back to C-Sec, mate with the daughter of a very well-respected military family, and make him proud. Problem is I'm just not the Turian he wants me to be. I don't have that kind of room in my heart. I don't know if I ever will."
"You may, one day. Until then, from one bad Turian to another, somewhere to get away, when nothing makes sense, is one of the best things anyone can have."
He handed Garrus the data pad. Garrus lifted confused eyes to his.
"What's this Sir?"
"Security codes and the deed to a house, just up the hill there. Nihlus bought it, he wrote me about it, wanted me to hold on to these, until Jane and he could come home. I think it's only right you have it; if you don't want it you can sell it. I have no use for it."
Closing his eyes, Garrus nodded, accepting the data pad.
"No Sir, I won't sell it. Jane told me how much she loved it here. To be able to come back to somewhere, that feels so much like her. Well I can't think of a better way to remember her. Thank you, I know you and I haven't known each other long, but Sir I want you to know, I think Jane was very lucky to have you. I wish I would have had more time."
Inhaling deeply, Ganis's mandibles fluttered in a slight smile.
"Then live Garrus, Jane wouldn't want us to wallow, though as I told her, you need time to be angry, sad and then you pick yourself up and do something about it. We can't change it, but we can honour her memory in our lives." He smiled and nodded towards the back room.
"Grab that rifle Garrus, we need to shoot something."
~~00o00~~
John walked into what he could only describe, as the seediest hotel you could find on the Citadel. Who knew such a thing even existed?
Kaidan could afford better.
He was hiding.
After speaking with the attendant about the situation, he was escorted to a room on the top floor and allowed entry. The room was a mess, empty bottles, and clothes littered the floor.
John threw open the curtains, causing the lump on the bed to groan and roll over.
John woke the Asari on the other side of the bed, paid her; removed Jane's dog tags from around her neck, and pointed towards the door. He then turned and gave the bed a swift kick.
"Sit up Lieutenant, you were expected back at the Normandy over six hours ago."
Kaidan sat up slowly, narrowing his eyes at John. He grabbed a bottle next to the bed and took a swig, finding it empty he tossed it away.
John made a quick assessment of Kaidan's appearance, his face was unshaven, naked and either the room or he smelled awful. Or maybe it was both.
"Kaidan, we need to talk, this isn't helping anything. It's been months, you're late returning from leave, you don't show up for drills, and I can't trust you on missions. Drinking and fucking your way through the galaxy isn't going to bring her back. Honestly even if it did, do you think she'd want to come back to this?" He motioned around the room, and then folded his arms over his chest.
Kaidan still didn't look up at him.
"Damn it Kaidan. I've covered for you as long as I can. We're headed out again and I need you, all of you, ready and able. If I have to report this, you'll be transferred. Do you understand that? You'll be off the Normandy. Do you think that is what Jane would want?"
Kaidan's eyes snapped to his, the glare was one of loathing and disgust.
"She didn't care what I did or wanted. So why should I care, what she would think about me? She's gone John, and I'm stuck here with someone who, every time I look at him, reminds me of the one thing I'll never have. The only thing I want. Just leave it, leave me alone."
"I can't Kaidan, if I leave here, the MP's will come and you'll be Court Marshalled. I need you to pull yourself together. You're one of the finest biotics in the Systems Alliance. Don't waste it like this. I didn't know Jane well, but what I did know of her, and what everyone always says, is that nothing stopped her from doing her Job."
"Right and look where that got her. She's dead, and no one believes us about how and why that happened. Tell me John, what is the point? Does any of this crap actually matter?"
"That's it; I've had it with you disrespecting her memory. She died because she believed it mattered. She gave her life so we could fight to make sure everyone else has a chance. Damn it Kaidan get your ass off that bed and get in the shower. So help me I'll put you there, and wash you myself if you don't move it, now."
As Kaidan stood and moved towards the washroom, John cleared his throat.
"Oh and you might want to be more careful about who you just give these to. They may not mean anything to you anymore, but to someone out there they mean everything."
As Kaidan turned slightly towards him, John threw the dog tags at him, they hit him in the chest, Kaidan caught them before they hit the ground, and to his credit he looked ashamed as he pulled them over his head.
~~00o00~~
John watched in horror, as Kaidan charged headlong into the mercs in front of them. He was so stunned that before he could fire a shot, they all lay at Kaidan's feet, dead.
"I did not give that order Lieutenant. Are you trying to get yourself killed? When I called you one of the best biotics in the Alliance, I didn't mean for you to go out here and show me just how badass you are."
John shook his head in disbelief, as Kaidan brushed past them and towards the evac zone.
Something had to be done about Kaidan, he was going to snap, and it wasn't only his own life he was risking in that process.
John turned, walking past Liara as he followed Kaidan back to the evac zone.
"You know John, you should talk to him." Liara stood next to him, the back of her hand brushed against his, and he smiled. He didn't know how to tell her, but he had been thrilled that she had decided to stay. The nights they stayed up talking had been some of the best in his memory, and he valued her opinion more than he thought possible.
"I've tried, he won't listen. He's so bottled up in his own head he can't think. He's angry, but he's not dealing with it. I think the biggest problem, is that he and Jane had so many unresolved issues. He never got to say his peace. They never made things right, and its killing him. I don't know how to help him."
Liara smiled and nudged him forward.
"You need to talk to him like you would a friend, not as a commanding officer. He doesn't need ordered around. By what Joker says, Jane did that enough, in the end Jane had been so angry with him that she could barely look at him. Oh, and remember, that you look so much like her doesn't help the situation any, so go easy on him. You're a good man John Hackett, you'll figure it out."
He smiled, and felt a blush rise to his cheeks.
"Well I'll try but if he kicks the shit out of me with those biotics of his, you have to take care of me, soup in bed, and you have to do that thing with your biotics on my shoulder again." His eyebrow shot up as he thought.
"You know this whole talk to the pissed off biotic thing, it's sounding better all the time."
~~00o00~~
John stopped outside Kaidan's door, cups in hand and hit the buzzer.
"What?"
John stuck his head in. Kaidan was sitting on his bed, back against the wall. He quickly placed the picture frame he held upside down on the bed.
"Did you need something Major? I'm a little busy, at the moment."
"I just wanted to talk Kaidan, I brought coffee." Entering the room he placed the cup next to the bed, taking a seat in a chair by the opposite wall. Motioning towards the picture frame, he asked softly.
"What are the pictures of?"
Kaidan washed a hand over his face, before meeting John's eyes.
"Just old photos, earth mostly, some from N7 training and just, things from a better time." Kaidan's tone and eyes looked very far away, and John waited in silence until he came back with a shake of his head.
"I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about pictures Major."
"Actually, Kaidan I did. I want to talk to you about Jane. Not in the way you think, I want you to tell me about her, not the stories people tell. I want to know from someone who was there, tell me about your time with her, and help me understand her."
Kaidan's eyes got that far away look again.
"When I first met Jane I didn't think much about her, we had all heard rumors about how she'd been raised by Turians during the First Contact war. We all expected a stuck up military brat. At first she didn't let us down in that estimation, but on her first day there, she proved to be so much more. She sacrificed herself even then, for people she barely knew. She went through things too horrible to mention, and came out on the other side better than any of us. She was strong, stronger than she should have had to be. You know the stories from Jump Zero; that she says I saved her. She was wrong, she saved me and I wanted nothing more than to spend every day of my life with her, to prove that she was everything perfect and right in the world."
John listened in silence and as Kaidan paused, he nodded encouraging him on.
"We could have been happy, I know it, but it seemed that your father had these plans from the beginning. I had been chosen, and put in her way, in the hopes that we would get together. It ruined everything and we never recovered. She could barely speak to me in the end. The last thing I said to her before we went to Ilos, was that I wish she would have left me to die."
The tears started then, great deep sobs that racked his chest. "She only saved me because she thought she owed me, she didn't care for me and it kills me. I love her so much, I miss her, and I even miss her yelling at me."
John moved to the bed and laid a hand on Kaidans shoulder, letting him cry, it was cleansing, as this kind of pain is poison when locked inside.
"It sounds like Jane had been through a lot Kaidan. You can't blame yourself, you need to be able to let it go, and you need to mourn her, love her and never forget her, but you have to let her go; along with all the guilt or you'll destroy yourself."
Kaidan nodded and turned the picture frame over.
"Do you want to see the pictures? I think you'd like these, there are some great stories."
John nodded and smiled.
"Yeah, I'd love to see those, and don't hold anything back I want to know all the weird quirks. Like did she snore? Liara says I snore."
Kaidan quirked a brow at him and smiled. "So, you and Liara huh, how's that? She seems, interesting."
John laughed, waving the question away with his hand.
"Your stories first, I want to know if she snores. I want to know how much we were alike beyond this." John motioned to his face and Kaidan laughed.
"You two are so different it's like night and day. She didn't snore, but she did talk in her sleep sometimes. She had bad dreams but never talked about them. She also had this horrid habit of licking the edge of her coffee cup when she was thinking. When we were together I swore she did it to drive me crazy, turns out it was just some weird quirk."
Kaidan sighed and bit his lip thinking "She used to do this thing, after she would get ready in the morning, she would stop by the mirror and nod, like she was telling herself she was okay. It was adorable."
"It's those things you need to remember Kaidan. Those are the good things, the important things."
They spoke late into the night; Kaidan seemed to release a lot of the pain that he had held inside, since even before Janes' death. As they flipped to the last picture, the one of them at N7 when they were engaged, John stood moving towards the door, he paused and looked back towards Kaidan.
"Thanks for telling me Kaidan, it means a lot to me, to be able to get to know her."
"No, thank you John; I needed that, thank you for understanding."
"Sure, no problem any time, my door is always open."
Kaidan chuckled low in his chest, and lifted knowing eyes.
"I hope it's not always open Major that could prove embarrassing for the entire crew."
John felt the blush at his throat and stuttered slightly when he answered. "Well, just make sure you buzz first. Or, message." He trailed off and left the room as Kaidan laughed.
"There is another thing you and Jane have in common; you both turn that colour when you get caught."
John pretended not to hear him, as the door closed behind him.
~~00o00~~
Darkness, pain and emptiness; a feeling of floating and then of being smashed back against something hard, as she felt the first rush of air into her lungs. The pain was unbearable, she couldn't see, and the following breaths were labored, shallow. She couldn't hear anything but the pounding of her own heart and the rush of blood in her ears; and then there was nothing.
"Commander, can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes."
She opened her eyes, the light above her was blinding and she squinted against the glare, as a young woman's faced appeared above her.
"There you are, no, don't try to sit up yet, you've been wounded. Can you tell me your name, rank and serial number?"
What the hell was she talking about? She shook her head, and the woman disappeared. Her eyelids were heavy, and she was having trouble not just letting herself slip away to the darkness.
"She has no memory of who she is Doctor, just as you thought."
The Doctor nodded not looking up from the console.
"Right well we need to get started then put her in rehab, and start the training. Including the memory modifications; that will be all Miss Lawson."
Lawson walked back into the room watching the Commander struggle to stay awake.
"Oh no you don't, it's time to wake up Commander."
She tried to speak, but nothing came out but a harsh rasp.
"Easy there, don't go too fast, your speech should come back shortly, for now just nod yes or no, understood?"
She nodded, as the woman lifted the head of her bed so she was almost sitting up; it felt as though her back was breaking as the muscles pulled. Her face screwed up into a look of pain and the woman nodded.
"Well at least you have your feeling back. That's a good sign Commander."
"Why do you keep calling me that?"
Her voice was barely a whisper, rough and ragged from lack of use and numerous tubes thought Lawson.
"Right well you're a stubborn one, I'm calling you Commander because that's what you are. You're Commander Jane Shepard of the Systems Alliance. As I said you've been wounded in battle. Don't worry; your memory should come back in time."
Jane, the name meant nothing to her so she shrugged.
"Your recovery is going to be long, and very difficult Jane, I'm going to need you to do as I say. Tomorrow we'll get you up and try to get you walking. For now let's start with solid food."
A plate and fork was set before her and the woman taught her how to hold the fork, how to drink from the glass. She choked on the first bite and inhaled the liquid in the glass. Jane coughed and sputtered and the woman laughed.
"You'll get it, just go slowly."
Jane picked at the food, and tried her voice again.
"Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Miranda Lawson and I'll be helping you through this."
~~00o00~~
"Okay, Jane one foot in front of the other."
Jane was wobbly on her feet, and as lifted her foot she fell forward landing hard on her knees and hands.
"That's alright Jane, just get up and try again, keep going don't give up."
Biting her lip Jane climbed to her feet and began again.
As walking became easier, Miranda had her start light workouts, arm and leg strengthening. Along with the training and exercises came pills and injections, lots of them. As the weeks wore on this became commonplace and pieces of her life began to come back to her as memories. At least what she thought were memories, came back to her.
"Today, we start rifle training as well as harnessing those biotics. Your implant has been upgraded. Your record says you were quite the shot, let's work on that, but I want you to use your biotics as well. In all things; when you want to move something do it with your biotics okay. Don't look at me like that, I'll show you and you'll pick it up in no time."
The next few weeks were spent mostly on biotics training. Jane was put through the paces and by the time they got back to rifle training she laughed at Lawson.
"What's the point of rifle training with biotics? Seems to me I don't need both."
Miranda shook her head. "You need both, you were quite the sniper. Go ahead."
Jane missed the first four shots and shook her head. "Maybe this is one of those things that won't come back. Like I said I don't think it really matters. I have my side arm and I'm proficient at that. Let's just move on."
Miranda shrugged, she was supposed to just get her into fighting shape, with an emphasis on her biotics.
"Alright then, let's move on to military strategy, and then it will be time for your injections and life history lessons."
"How long do I have to do those? We can only go over my entire life so many times. I get it already; I'd say I'll be ready to get back out there soon. How much longer will I be here?"
"You'll be here as long as the doctors say you will be."
Jane sighed and tossed the rifle to the side. "Fine, after you; let's get this over with."
~~00o00~~
Admiral Hackett was asleep in his quarters when his Comm sounded. Rolling over he answered, sounding more than a little annoyed.
"Hackett here."
"Admiral." The inhale, exhale of smoke caused Hackett to sit up.
"Yes, it's about time you got back to me. It's been almost eight months, report."
"Jane's progress has been excellent. The fact that she already had the technology in her was a major asset. I'd like to show you, rather than explaining this way Admiral. Going to live holo feed. This is one of her training sessions, we used the serum that I told you about, and the modifications are taking."
Hackett watched as Jane sat perfectly still, her hands on her lap, she was unblinking, unmoving.
The voice addressed the doctor with Jane.
"Ask her."
The doctor nodded and Lawson stepped forward.
"What is your name, rank and serial number soldier?"
Still unmoving, Jane gave one nod before stating in a clear voice.
"Jane Anne Shepard, Commander, 61382."
Lawson nodded, continuing the line of questioning.
"Family?"
"Father, Admiral Steven Hackett. Mother, Anne Shepard, deceased. Brother, John Hackett." Jane blinked once as she finished. Miranda thanked her and continued.
"Marital status?"
"Engaged, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."
Miranda lifted her eyes to the doctor and he nodded.
"Thank you Miss Lawson."
Nodding, Miranda stepped back and the voice came back.
"Satisfied, Admiral?"
"I am."
"Now Admiral, I can make Shepard whatever you want her, there is still work to do with her though; we need her to take these memories as her own without the serum. There is one thing though Admiral. Introducing Jane back isn't going to be easy, so far you've kept up your end of the bargain, and I've read Alenko's profile. I'm not worried about him; I'm worried about your son. You said both, and it will take at least a year for."
Hackett narrowed his eyes at the comm, cutting the voice off, he stated in a very matter of fact tone.
"I'll take care of it. Hackett out."
~~00o00~~
Boom.
^.^