When Commander Vimes was about eight months along [1], Carrot looked at Angua when they were getting ready for work and exclaimed, "I've organized a baby shower for the Commander!"

Angua looked at his guileless face and wondered where on the Disc he had heard about that tradition. Or if he genuinely thought that Samantha Vimes would want one. But she knew from long experience that Carrot had already gotten a date and place picked out, and invited the entire Watch.

And sure enough, he continued with "It's going to be next week and I made sure to have everyone she's known for a long time there and there will be cake and games and-"

Angua raised her hand. "No games."

Carrot looked wounded. "But I found some great baby related games we could play and everyone likes games!"

Angua thought about Vimes' reaction to something like "Pin the Sonky on the Right Father!"[2]

"Trust me on this Carrot. Just…no"

He still looked perturbed but nodded.

-
Sam Vimes was sick and tired of being pregnant.

She didn't have a quarrel with the end results-she longed, with an intensity that surprised her, to hold her son or daughter in her arms.

But the actual process of having the baby? She hated it.

She had been remaindered by godsdamned Vetinari to ride a desk until she had the baby [3]. She was never one to really care about her looks, but she was getting really tired of wearing her maternity armor [4]. And her feet, her lifelong allies, had suddenly betrayed her by swelling up.

Not to mention the future apple of her eye liked to kick her in her bladder.

She had never thrown up so much in her life, even when she drank. She couldn't even have a smoke.

And it was all anyone, everyone, wanted to talk to her about. She was heartily sick of being asked the same three questions over and over again, and how she was expected to turn into a gooey, trite, sentimental mushbag [5] once she squeezed a sack of potatoes out of a hole the size of a cup opening.

She wanted as little fuss about the whole thing as possible, which is why Saul didn't ask her to go to the baby shower his girlfriends threw for him [6]. None of that for her thank you very much.

Walking into the mess, and seeing almost the entire Watch arrayed there [7], with a banner and cake and presents-but, thank the gods, no games-and Carrot beaming, Vimes knew there was no way she was going to have this baby without some fuss [8].

So she let Carrot steer her to a chair, and put a piece of cake in her hands, and proceeded to talk and open presents and have a surprisingly good time.

Another reason she didn't see the need to have a baby shower was that Saul's family, in addition to being richer than Creosote, never threw anything away. Saul and her had spent a surprisingly enjoyable day two weeks ago going though the attic and bringing down things for the nursery.[9] They even had clothes that Saul and his parents and grandparents wore as infants.[10]

So she felt a wee bit guilty seeing a small pile of presents emerge after cake.

She was about to say something, but she looked at everyone's faces, and how…happy they were. Happy for her, their cranky old lush of a commander. They didnt have to do any of this, even with Carrot's prodding, they just wanted to.

Her traitorous eyes began to tear up, but luckily she reeled those suckers in just as Colon put his gift on her lap.

It was a surprisingly practical pack of diapers. "I know when we had ours that was one thing we always needed," he said. She looked at at Fred and realized, gods, he had grandchildren. And he was only ten years older than her and she was going to stop this line of thought before she was thoroughly weirded out and needed a lie down.
-

She held up the onesie[11] that Igor had made.

"Er…why are there four pants legs?" she asked.

Igor grinned. "There is alwayth room for improthment!"

Vimes' stomach flip-flopped but she managed a "Thank you"[12]

-
"I'm sure when she [13] learns to read will treasure this," Vimes managed to say with a straight face to Constable Visit, putting the Book of Om he had given her on her pile of gifts.

Nobby got the baby a spoon.

It wasn't until a month later that she realized the significance of that.

Carrot's gift surprised her. He, Angua, Cheery, and a few others teamed up to make

"Carrot and I noticed they have things like "My Little Barbarian" and "My Little Trespasser"[14]," Angua explained as Carrot plopped a box in front of Vimes, "and Carrot thought of doing this instead."

Vimes opened the box to find a little wooden sword, a little shield made out of pot metal, a crocheted truncheon, a small shield, and a smaller version of her own badge.

She stared at it for a full minute, until Cheery asked, "er, is it okay?"

Vimes looked up, a single tear [15] tracking down her face. "It's perfect. Thank you."[16]

Saul laughed when Sam came home with presents in arm and leftover cake in a box.

"I thought you didn't want a shower?" he asked, a big grin on his face.

Sam scowled half-heartedly. "Oh shush."

[1] and very adamantly Not Enjoying It

[2] Morporkians were rather more forthright in telling their children the facts of life. And if a stork landed in the city, it would more likely than not appear on someone's plate soon after.

[3] And if he thought he could pull that trick on her after she had the baby, he was sorely mistaken.

[4] She loved that she had it, that her husband was thoughtful enough to have it made for her, but it did not change the fact that she felt like a giant walking tent with it on.

[5] Luckily, not by her Watchmen, who at any case had seen far too many Vimes blow ups to ever think of her as sweet or brainless.

[6] "What on the disc could they get us that you don't already have in the attic?" Sam had asked. Saul just smiled and went on about more recent baby clothes, and how it was really an excuse to have tea and cake, and so on.

[7] and then hearing "SURPRISE" said not entirely in unison.

[8] And, though she would never admit it, she was a little touched.

[9] he didn't say anything about heavy lifting or try to stop her and in turn she didnt raise a fuss about Saul asking Willikins to help with the crib and other furniture instead of her.

[10] "What we have we keep," Saul said wryly, seeing the look on his wife's face. Sam, in turn, decided to not mention the times she and Dorfl had to dig some poor nutter out of their apartment.

[11] Sam rather liked these, as opposed the all the little gowns and dresses Saul brought down from the attic that just begged to be tripped over or catch on things.

[12] not wanting to be rude, they did put Little Sam in it a few times, the extra legs looking like gigantic inside out pockets.

[13] Vimes didn't know of course what the baby would be but she had a feeling it was going to be a girl.

[14] sanctioned by the guild because exploring….no, damn it, 'trespassing' wasn't bringing in the money it used to.

[15] stupid, traitorous eyes

[16] not only did it turn out to be one of Little Sam's favorite toys, but thanks to the Ramkin hoarding gene, it was also the favorite of Samantha's four children, and all of their children as well.