Far Cry Three ((AU Version!))
AU: Character roles are switched from my Far Cry three RP! Carlos plays the role of the gamer behind the controls, Gwen is the character he plays as, and the pirates are the Pirates and the Rakyats are the Rakyats. Vaas, is just Vaas. Let's begin.
Carlos flops down contentedly on the couch, grabbing a blanket and throwing it over his lean form. He grabs the remote and flips on the TV, and boots up the PS3, starting up Far Cry 3. After logging on and loading his save profile, he grins and flips through his loot rucksack, and looks through his weapons. After deeming himself sufficiently armed, he goes back to the main playing of the game.
Here's what happens:
"No, no, no. Wrong way. Infested with Pirates." Irritated chip crunching.
"Holy Shit, that's a tiger! Run the fuck away! Shoot it!" frantic button pushing, stamping of feet, and more button clicking.
"DAMN IT." He died. More irritated chip crunching.
"NOOOOOOO…PIRATE CAMP. RUN. NOW. MOVE FASTER GWEN." RAPID FIRE IRRITATED CHIP CRUNCHING. MOW DEM CHIPS DOWN.
"Fucking hell!" Aaaaaand the chip bag goes flying somewhere over the rainbow.
"Oooh, hey. Vehicle." He's laughing like a maniac as he drives around and runs over pirates.
"No. I don't want to talk to you. Go the fuck away. Now." Carlos. Whining at the TV screen gets you nowhere.
"Well fuck you too, Pirates." So he says as he mows them down with a Machine gun.
"Why are there fucking pirates everywhere… oh never mind." Carlos. You are right next to a camp, you idiot.
"NOOOOOOOOOO…!" What are you, a wolf?
"Sharks!" Yeah, that's what happens when you swim in the ocean, dipwad.
"Why are Green Leaves so hard to freakin' find!?" As he searches the entire island and finds like two plants. "Helpful. Very helpful jungle." He swigs down some Mountain Dew.
More focused animal hunting.
"Why can't I fin-…. DEER DON'T FUCKING FLY!" Throws controller aside in complete exasperation whilst laughing.
Period of deciding what to do and browsing the various menus of stuff to look at.
"I wonder what Gwen looks like?" Flip, flip, flip through menus.
"Ah. Characters…. HOLY SHIT SHE'S HOT…." Jaw drop and drooling.
"Carlos!" Ooops. That was his mom.
"SORRY MOM!" Well… that was embarrassing. Let's go back to staring at hot chick Gwen.
After twenty minutes of imagining of what would happen if Gwen were real…
"Damn, I'm good." Thinking he successfully took out a base. Starts wandering around, and gets mauled by a pirate. "SHIT!"
"I wonder what people would say if I said I wanted to date a video game character…"
More playing through actual missions, and invades the Sunset Cove, or Pirate's cove. ((Aka the Prison from HELL))
"Oh. Yeah. There's a pirate. And another. And another." … More focused camera tagging. "Okay, really. That's like… eighty." There's about nine, Carlos. Nine.
"Heh heh. Dead pirate." Stealthily sneaks forward. "What the fuck snake!?"
Pausing in the lookout to go through the skills, he just gained another skill point.
"Where the hell are the violent rushes? The kill-em-dead takedowns!? It's all sneak attacks, sniping, and sneaking. What's this? Is this? …No. That does not work." He clicks on the skill. It literally is, Distraction.
"Distract an enemy by presenting yourself as a whore, then kill him with his own weapon."
After a moment of drooling at the thought of a Sexy Gwen.
"Am I sure I want to learn this skill!? Fuck yes!" Subtle Carlos. Real Subtle.
He continues flipping through the spider, heron, and shark menus.
"I should've gotten sharp shooter…. Shit." Yeah, too distracted by the boobs. Smart boy.
He plays through the mission a bit more.
"Why the fuck are you throwing Grenades at me!? No. Bad Pirate!" Determined button clicking and chip crunching. The blanket has been tossed aside, totally forgotten. Big, bad Carlos is now in his pajama pants. Sexy there, man.
He continues playing for a while, killing off a few pirates.
"Gehehe… The Chicken of Prophecy." He does a few elaborate hand gestures, imitating the frantic chickens running around. "UMMMM GUYS DID YOU NOTICE YOU'RE ALL DYING!? YOU SHOULD NOTICE!" More maniacal laughter.
"Press X to use Distraction." Don't mind if I do, he breathes, and presses it while drinking some Mountain Dew. He promptly spews it everywhere, when it switches to an action scene, and Gwen unbuttons her shirt, going coy and beckoning a pirate to her, shimmying all the while.
He wipes his mouth, still watching. The pirate grins, "Sexy bitch." He comes over, she presses a knee to his groin, and promptly stabs him violently with his machete.
Her voice comes. "Damn gross." She buttons her shirt back up.
He stares, and says, "Remind me not to get on her bad side."
More focused sniping of pirates-
"WHY YOOOOOOUUUUUU…." He growls, as he presses a button with finality. "HAVE FUN IN HELL MOTHERFUCKER."
He then promptly proceeds to heal his almost nonexistent health bars, only to find that he has no syringes left. Just first aid.
"Well. That's just dandy."
Some more sneaking, sniping, and pickpocketing ensues.
"Hehehehe… Ooooh. Explosive barrel. YEaaaaaaHHHH!" He practically sings as he blows the thing up, killing off another pirate and sending the camp into panic.
"Oh Shit! RUN LIKE HELL GWEN!" He starts to sprint for the ocean. He'd gladly take on the sharks now.
After finding safety in another hideout, he heals himself again and reloads his sniper rifle. He goes off to take out the last pirate.
After getting the key to the prison-
"Lalala let's go skip merrily to the pri- SHIT RUN LIKE HELL THAT'S A PIRATE WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD NO." He presses random buttons and ends up accidentally killing the pirate with his machete. Ooops.
"WHYYYYY ARE THEY HIDING BEHIND THE FENCES AND THE OTHER HIDEY THINGS!?"
And so ensues rants in Spanish, as he slowly creeps forward.
"I WAS CROUCHED DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN TIME. WHAT ARE YOU!? PSYCHIC!? "
He frantically runs away, and hides.
"Don't you throw grenades at me." Don't make me snap my fingers boy.
After some more frantic playing.
"DUDE NO YOU DON'T SLAM YOUR FUCKING ELBOW INTO HER PERFECT FACE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? HAVE YOU NO APPRECIATION FOR BEAUTY!?" When he gets knocked out by a hidden pirate.
Then proceeds the amazing cut scene where Vaas proceeds to try and light you on fire.
"Fabulous." Direct Carlos is direct.
"Why must it be fire though? Why not water!? I like water." So he says as he has to try five times to get through the fire maze of, "OW! CATCHING ON FIRE HURTS A LOT PUT IT OUT GWEN!"
After pausing and flipping through menus. "This gigantic quiver…" some more reading. "MANEATER SHARK SKIN!? I WANNA DO THAT QUEST!"
Carlos… pausing doesn't make the fire go away. Go finish the mission.
After some grumbling, acquisition of a new bag of chips and Mountain Dew, he begrudgingly finishes the fire maze of Doooom. And rescues another chick, though significantly less hot than Gwen.
"AWWWW YEAH. COME GET SOME."
No thanks. I'll pass on getting blown up by a grenade launcher.
After doing some majestic blowing up of bad guys, and some more majestic shooting of bad guys with a teeny tiny pistol, he proceeds to play the game some more, getting up for a piss break after about two minutes.
"Why do I have to find your stupid boat part!? I don't wanna." Carlos. Pout all you want, but you ain't leavin' until you find that motor piece.
After some whining and swimming later, he takes off outta that cave.
"FREEDOM!" He runs around and then flies away on a hang glider.
"NOOOO! HOW DO YOU LAND THESE THINGS!?"
After regenerating at the nearest radio tower, our lovely man goes off to find a boat.
"Oooooh Hey. That's a big boat. This is when you play bumper boats." He drives off.
"Heyyy guyssss… Notice the huge ass boat driving around!" No Carlos.
"IT'S EVEN GOT A MACHINE GUN! YAAAS! AWWWW YEAH COME GET SOMMA DIS INFINITE AMMO BOYS!" As there are no pirates around. Genius there, guys.
"CARLOS!" And that's his mom again.
"Sorry Mom!" I need an apartment." Oops.
A/N: To be continued….