"What-were-you-thinking!?" I hadn't thought Remus would be waiting for me in the dorm when I woke up. I also didn't expect him to be so angry. I also didn't think that my bed sheets would be bloodstained- I wasn't even bleeding very much. Nonetheless, it was enough to ignite Remus's anger. "You could have been hurt! What if your transformation hadn't lasted? What if Moony saw you as prey? What if-"

"You'd quit worrying and let yourself enjoy life a little," I suggested dryly, effectively shutting him up. "Relax, Moony. I'm fine- see, I'm not even bleeding anymore. Anyways, Moony recognized me."

"And if he hadn't?" Remus retorted. "And I want another explanation- why are you so depressed lately?"

"I'm not-"

"Don't lie to me, James Potter!" Remus exclaimed. "I want to know what's going on- and I know it has something to do with Sirius! Did you two have a row, or did Lily say something, or what?"

"Nothing's the matter," I insisted. "No, I didn't have a fight with Sirius- he's practically my brother! And Lily sees him as a brother as well, she wouldn't speak a word against him without reason."

"Sirius told me what happened this morning," Remus said, narrowing his eyes. "About how you blanked out, and then looked at him weird. What is going on?"

"Remus, I- I can't really tell you," I said helplessly. "I- Lily said- you know, ask Lily. If she tells you, you're good. If not, sorry, you'll have to wait. I can't tell you."

Remus sighed, and sent me a pleading look. I just shook my head.

"At least- tell Sirius," Remus suggested. Startled, I shook my head wildly. I couldn't tell Sirius! Heck, I could barely face him without the horrible memories. Speaking them aloud might make me lose it. "James, he's worried about you. And I think he's scared of the way you look at him nowadays."

"What?" I asked. "Why?"

"I think he thinks you don't want to be friends anymore. I mean, if you look at him, it's always with this sad look, almost mourning," Remus replied. "He needs your friendship, you know."

"I know!" I frowned. How could Sirius think I didn't want to be his friend. "I'm just trying to protect him!"

"Protect him?" Remus repeated sharply. "From what?"

I cursed my slip of tongue.

"Never- never mind, okay? Just… it's complicated, Moony," I sighed. "I can't explain it, it's too…" I trailed off. It was too painful. "I don't want to talk about it, okay. Ask Lily. If she tells you-"

"I know," Remus muttered, defeated. "If she tells me, I'm good. If she doesn't, I'll have to wait."

With that, Remus walked regretfully out of the room. I wiped my eyes, which were feeling moist. Sirius thought I didn't want to be his friend, all because I could hardly bear to look at him. I wished I could explain it, tell him, get the memories out of my mind. I wanted to see Sirius as he was now, not as he was when he was dying in my arms…

"James?" I looked up, thoroughly surprised. Sirius was standing unsurely in the doorway. I managed a shaky smile, that probably looked more like a grimace. "Can I- can I come in?"

"Course you can Padfoot," I said, my voice rather shaky. "Remus tells me you think- you think I don't want to be your friend?"

Sirius flinched horribly. "I just thought- you didn't want to look at me, and you were so upset around me, and you always falter when talking to me and… I thought you hated me. I mean, my parents hate me, and they can hardly stand to look at me either and they don't like it when I'm around either and I guess there must be something about me that just isn't likeable, huh? Cause first it was my family and-"

"Whoa, Padfoot, calm down," I exclaimed, motioning for him to sit beside me on the bed. "Look, that isn't your fault, and I definitely don't hate you!" I put a comforting arm around his shoulder, and he looked at me hopefully, sadly. I winced, horribly reminded of that night. "I just… I can't explain, and that's probably not going to help, but I don't hate you. You're my brother in all but blood, Pads. I could never hate you."

"But you don't like having me around," Sirius said miserably, and I flinched again. I did like having him around, but the memories were so painful…

"No, no, it isn't that," I replied sadly. "I do, I just… oh, I wish I could explain. Tell you what, Padfoot, I'll ask Lily is I can explain. Marauders aren't supposed to keep secrets from each other… no matter how painful the secret."

Sirius looked slightly confused at this. "Something happened," he noted, "something bad. I guess it involves me, huh?"

"You're smarter than you look," I quipped. "I don't want to lose you, Padfoot."

"Don't worry," Sirius replied, sounding a bit more like his normal self. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You're stuck with me 'till you're old and grey!"

I smiled, genuinely this time. Yes. This time around, Sirius would live. I'd make sure of that- there was no way I was going to let him go through all that again.

"So… let me get this straight… you want to tell all of the Marauders?" Lily asked. I nodded eagerly. "I dunno, James. We really shouldn't be telling anyone."

"But Sirius thought I hated him," I said miserably. "I have to explain it to him, and Moony's already suspicious, and it'd be unfair if I left Peter out!"

"James, just… not yet, alright," Lily sighed. "Wait a bit. Sirius knows you don't hate him, and Remus can just wait. Besides, would you really like to traumatize them?"

"Well… no…" I admitted. "Sirius shouldn't see or hear about his… about what happened."

"No, at least, not yet," Lily looked at me sadly. "You shouldn't have had to see that, either."

"But I did," I replied pointedly. "I just… how can I forget? I want to so badly, but I can't, and seeing him- I don't know what's wrong with me! I should be happy, and I am, but then why am I so- so- so upset!? Why does seeing him alive remind me of his death? Why can't I just be glad that I can save him? Why do I have to remember?"

"You're only human, James," Lily smiled reassuringly, putting a hand on my shoulder. "The fact that his death shook you so much is proof that you love him."

"Yeah, okay," I sighed. "Look, here's DADA. Wonder what Williams has planned for today?"

"With our luck? We'll still be on grindylows," Lily laughed. We walked in the classroom, only to find all the desks gone, and a large, shaking trunk in the front of the room. I cursed under my breath. "Boggart. Oh."

"Oh," I repeated. "Oh, crud, more like it. I can't go up there."

"Try to blend in so Professor Williams doesn't see you," Lily suggested. I nodded, and raced over to stand by Sirius, who was laughing with Remus about something.

"Hey, you lot," I grinned, hoping my mask was good enough. Sirius beamed. "What's so funny over here?"

"We're doing boggarts today," Sirius declared. "And Remus is scared of the moon! The moon, Prongs!"

"I'm not scared of the moon," Remus replied indignantly. "Just of what the full moon represents."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, and mock-howled at the ceiling. I laughed as well, and Remus scowled half-heartedly. Suddenly, Professor Williams burst in the door.

"Good morning, Gryffindors!" He exclaimed cheerfully. "As you can see, I've managed to find a boggart for you! Who knows what a boggart does- Miss Evans?"

"A boggart shows you your greatest fear," Lily declared. "And can only be stopped by laughter."

"Correct!" Williams beamed. "Five points to Gryffindor- now, who knows the spell used to turn a boggart into something funny- Mr. Lupin?"

"Riddiculus," Remus replied. "That's the spell."

"Perfect! Take five points!" Williams whipped out his wand. "Now, practice for a minute, discuss your worst fears with your friends, while I work on getting this darn trunk open- I dare say Peeves sealed it shut!"

I didn't bother practicing- I'd learned this already. Instead, I stood there freaking out- what if I had to go up there? I knew what my worst fear was- it was the same as my worst memory.

"James, what about you?" Sirius asked me. "Moony's scared of the moon, Wormtail's scared of- did you say cats?"

"Yes!" Peter squeaked. "My sister had a cat, and it was evil!"

"That's your Animagus form talking, Wormy," I chuckled, and Peter flushed red. "Er… me… uh… I dunno."

"Well, I guess we'll see!" Sirius said cheerfully. "I don't wanna go though, I'd rather not have my worst fear broadcasted in front of the class, if you know what I mean?"

I nodded, preoccupied, trying to think of a way to make my worst fear funny. I was drawing a blank there…

"Got it!" Williams exclaimed, as the trunk burst open. "Ah… Miss McKinnon, you first!"

Marlene McKinnon walked to the front of the class, and immediately, a little green… thing… popped out, sporting antennae and a spacesuit.

"Riddikulus," Marlene exclaimed, and the green thing turned into a green dog, that started chasing its tail. Williams nodded approvingly, and beckoned Lily forward. The dog turned into- me? I was sitting at the front of the classroom, on my knees, my robes tattered and covered in blood from a nonexistent wound. My eyes were blank, and my face tearstained. I automatically realized- that was probably how I looked right after Sirius's death,.

"Riddikulus!" Lily declared, and the boggart-me stood up, brushed his robes off, and grinned cheekily. Lily giggled, and rushed back to stand by me.

"You're scared of me?" I teased. She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Mr. Lupin," Remus walked up to the front of the room, while Sirius smirked cheekily at him. Boggart-me, who was waving arrogantly, immediately turned into the moon.

"Riddikulus," Remus said calmly, and the moon turned into a cartoon-y sun, complete with a smiley face. Remus walked back to us, smiling serenely.

"Mr. Potter," I groaned, and looked towards Sirius for help. Sirius just smiled, and gestured to the boggart. I gave him a faux glare, and walked forward nervously. The boggart changed. Several girls screamed, and I heard Peter squeak. I froze. I'd been expecting it, but it still shook me. Laying on the ground was Sirius. He was covered in blood, and very, very still. And his eyes… his eyes were staring up at me, blank, lifeless. I started shaking, my mind flooded by memories.

"Hold on, Sirius!"

Blood pooling around my legs, grey eyes looking at me painfully.

"S'cold… it hurts, Jamie…"

"No, hold on, hold on!"

Grey eyes staring into the storm, their light gone. Cold. Gone. Dead.

"Oh no… is he…?

Gone forever… all my fault…

"Where were you!?"

Dead, he was dead.

"No! Siri, wake up, you've got to! Wake up, Siri, wake up!"

Dead, gone, never coming back. Dead.

"James! James, come on, it's okay!" I gasped, and looked up. The boggart was gone, and I was surrounded by Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter. The rest of the class was gone. Professor Williams was standing in the doorway with Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore, the latter of whom seemed to be explaining something.

"That was so scary!" Peter exclaimed. "You started shaking, and you sorta knelt to the ground and went into some sort of trance!"

"It's alright, Prongs," Sirius said soothingly. "What happened?"

"You- you were-" I shook my head, wiping my moist cheeks, before pulling Sirius into a tight hug. "Don't ever leave me! Don't you dare!"

"What- Prongs, I told you I wouldn't," Sirius assured me. "Remember? You're stuck with me, James."

"Promise me. Promise me no matter what, you won't risk your life for me," I ordered. Sirius tensed.

"I can't promise that," he replied, as I slowly pulled away. "If it came down to my me living or you living, I think I'd rather you live."

"Bloody noble git," I muttered.

"I shouldn't have let you go up there!" Lily fretted. "I should have known that would happen!"

"Relax, Lils," I smiled shakily at her. "It isn't your fault."

"I think you traumatized the entire class," Remus chuckled unsteadily. "Several people ran as soon as your boggart appeared."

"Remus nearly threw up," Sirius quipped, grinning. "And Peter, I think, fainted."

"I did not!" Peter exclaimed indignantly. "I fell down in surprise! I didn't faint! Anyways, how come you were so calm, huh?"

"I have a good mask," Sirius replied nonchalantly. "Oi! James, last one to the kitchens is a Slytherin!"

"Ha! You're on!" I exclaimed, clambering up and laughing. Sirius raced right past the teachers, nearly knocking Madam Pomfrey over. I followed him, not even stopping to wonder why Professor Dumbledore was there.

A/N: Okay. I hope this wasn't overly emotional. I hate writing Siri sad… Er… I was told last chapter that all-caps yelling is irritating, but, really, that's what I think portrays it best. Just my opinion. Thanks to potterhead934, Theta-McBride, krikanalo, and peevesisawesome for your reviews! Free virtual Sirius plushies! Hope you all enjoyed!

I don't own Harry Potter, or else OoTP would have ended differently.