the purpose of morality
"What's your favourite movie?"
"The Wildest Dream."
"The one where the guy tries to climb Everest and dies on the way? That's your favourite?"
"Don't be disrespectful; it's a true story." Lukas scowled, Mathias' clueless nature irritating him. "He might actually have reached the top, and only died in an accident on the way down. We'll never know. That's the point of the film."
"Still, he did die." Mathias reclined back against the headboard, arms crossed behind him. "Kind of a pointless plot if you think about it. I prefer action movies, or ones that make sense in the end."
"Transformers made absolutely no sense, Mathias."
A week had passed, and Lukas had- at first, regrettably- gotten to know Mathias better. The Dane seemed almost too enthusiastic to talk to him, and was taken aback when Lukas asked him why. His only excuse seemed to be that he was happy to have another teenager on the ward to talk to, and he thankfully didn't mention his initial calling Lukas cute. From what Mathias had gathered, neither of his parents were around, and he instead lived with Berwald- his cousin- and Tino- who Berwald appeared to be in some sort of relationship with- twenty minutes away from his own home.
"I can't believe we've never met each other before!" Mathias had been swinging his legs from the end of his bed, attitude carefree as always. "We live so close, and I'd definitely never forget your face!" He continued, ignoring Lukas's frown with his own wolfish grin. "You can ice skate, right? When we get out of here we should go down to the rink together, and I could buy you dinner after-"
Needless to say, Mathias' bizarre half-friendly, half-flirting attempts were often ignored. However, the Dane seemed to determined to gain information in return from Lukas and had been asking him about his favourite televisions shows, films, bands- and, of course, finding faults in each one. He may have been irritating, but there was something about the blond that kept Lukas from pushing him away entirely; his strange, honest desire to actually become friends with the Norwegian.
"So, what I was saying is, that we should go see a movie or something when we get out of here." Mathias stretched lazily, cat-like in his motions as he yawned. "Berwald and Tino could come, but they'd be all sickening sweethearts- you could ask your little bro to come, if you wanted." The blond had become particularly fond of Emil after the boy offered him liquorice, much to Lukas' annoyance. "Unless he's dating someone. Is he?"
"I don't know. He's been spending a lot of time with that Leon boy- or Li Xiao, whatever Chinese name he has- and I can't supervise him from in here." Lukas' grimace made his displeasure clear, and it only deepened when Mathias let out a guffaw. His chest tightened uncomfortably, the beats of his heart seemingly speeding up as he pressed a hand to his chest. "What's so funny about that?" He settled back against his pillows as he spoke, trying to control his breathing.
"You're so overprotective of him! The little guy's sixteen; you can't look after him forever. Let him have fun with his boyfriend, or whatever the guy is." The Dane's arms were languidly crossed behind his head. "Don't scare him into staying with you forever. Hey, you should try and get a boyfriend, to take your mind off of things." Mathias looked over, beaming at Lukas. "How does that sound, huh? Good idea or what?"
Lukas didn't reply.
Mathias frowned, shifting into a sitting position. "Yo, Lukas. Sorry if I pissed you off- you know I was only joking, right?" Even as he spoke his eyes were roving over the platinum blond's prone figure. His movements seemed to have ground to a halt, and his eyes were closed- Lukas was pale, but surely not that pale, right?
As the realisation hit him, the Danish boy scrambled out of his bed and to Lukas' side. He shook the Norwegian's shoulder roughly, his tone dropped to a serious one. "Lukas, are you all right? Come on man, don't fall asleep on me-" The joke died in his throat as the hazy eyes remained closed, Lukas' lips tinged with blue. Before his words could catch up Mathias's hand was already slamming repeatedly on the button for a nurse. The heart monitor gave a wail, the green line now fully horizontal, even as Mathias' voice rose in pitch. "Lukas, wake up. Wake up- come on, look at me, look at me-" He raised his head at the appearance of a harried looking nurse, blue eyes wide with fear. "Help him- he isn't breathing, or waking up, his heart monitor's gone- help him, please!"
Later, Mathias would shrug off the comments about being a hero, seemingly humbled by Lukas flatlining on the monitor before his eyes. After being shoved out of the way by multiple doctors and forced to return to his own bed, he didn't see the Norwegian until later that night when the Norseman was returned to their ward half-asleep in a wheelchair, having been resuscitated by defibrillator elsewhere. There was silence between the two- Mathias waiting to see if Lukas was actually awake, or in the mood to speak- until Lukas broke it, his voice low and unsteady.
"Thank you."
"For saving your life?" Glancing over at him, Mathias' grin lacked his usual gusto. "Any time, my friend." His cheerful tone masked his eyes running over Lukas' frame- he was sure that the other boy had lost weight in the short time that they'd known each other, and he looked positively gaunt with his protruding cheekbones and rimmed eyes. He also appeared to be shivering, even under the layers of coverings, and Mathias' sympathy was triggered. "What exactly happened? You've been gone for hours."
"They were doing some check-ups." Lukas shrugged, coughing slightly with the effort. "The doctors were worried, because my heart just stopped again. I'm going to have new medication, or something done- I'll find out tomorrow, maybe. It probably means that I'm going to be in here for longer." The bitterness was clear in his tone as he avoided Mathias' concerned gaze. "But it's obvious I'm not getting any better."
"That sucks. Really, I know how you feel- really, I do!" he added earnestly at Lukas' narrowed eyes. "I've been in here a lot. I haven't flatlined, but it's been bad anyway." At his words the Norwegian lowered his gaze, fingers of one hand digging into the risk of the other.
"I'm sorry. I'm just... angry. I'm really angry, and I'm tired, and... I want to go home." Lukas' voice had dropped to a pained whisper, more like a child than a young adult. "I just want to go home. I want to see Emil. I want to be better."
"Lukas..."
"I'm sorry," Lukas repeated, giving another cough. "You should get to sleep. It's getting late. Goodnight, Mathias." The platinum blond rolled over in his bed, curling into himself and sighing. Mathias watched him for a moment longer, wanting to speak yet holding himself back. Then he mirrored Lukas' sigh, pulling the covers over his own head.
"Night, Lukas. Sleep well." There was silence, broken only by Lukas giving a quiet, almost missable nod.
The next morning, Mathias was shamelessly listening in on Lukas' conversation with the doctor. If the Norwegian had realised, he was ignoring him; his attention was focused on his doctor, without a glance sent in the Dane's way. From what Mathias could pick up, things weren't looking good. It was just a pity that he had been asleep when the conversation had started, and had only grasped a half-idea of what was happening.
"We're confident that this will go well, and that it should work. In some cases the procedure doesn't, but I'm quite sure that everything will go smoothly for you, Mr. Nilsen." God, the doctor's voice was so boring. While there was something strangely appealing about Lukas' almost-constant monotone, all the medical jargon that the doctor had come out with had passed cleanly over his blond head.
"You're quite sure?" Lukas sounded unimpressed and Mathias grinned to himself. He couldn't have sounded less amused with the situation, and he could hardly blame him. "Let's just live in hope that I won't die in surgery." Mathias' smile widened as the doctor grew flustered, clearly unused to dealing with such a patient.
"Of course. We've scheduled it for tomorrow- the sooner, the better, considering your condition. Tomorrow morning, ten sharp. It'd be best if you rested for today." At Lukas' weak nod the doctor nodded himself, turning on his heel. "All the best, Mr. Nilsen."
"Thank you." Lukas spoke even as the door to their ward slammed shut, head lowered and eyes pressed shut. Mathas wasted no time in reaching, yet again, to take out his IV, but froze when Lukas spoke up in a dry voice. "You're not planning on yanking that out again, are you? I don't think you really want to leave here, with all the times you're not hooked up to that."
"I've told you, you don't yank it out! It's more of a smooth wiggle." Regardless of Lukas' words, the Dane's IV was soon out of his arm with him sitting cross-legged on the Norwegian's bed. Lukas raised his eyebrows, knees drawn up to his chest to allow Mathias space on the end of his bed. Mathias simply shrugged, full of innocence. "You should try it. I actually feel awake with it out!"
"Yes, well, you're probably going to have to stay in longer, because of all the times you've had it out." Mathias blinked, taken aback at the small smile on the Norse man's face. "I want to leave as soon as I can, so I'm going to keep mine in, thanks."
"And this surgery tomorrow will help you leave sooner, right?" Mathias said softly, watching Lukas' face. The other boy's cheeks flushed and his gaze slid away, but he gave a short, terse nod. The Dane sat back, chewing on his lip. "What exactly is going to happen?"
"A procedure called ablation therapy. They're going to put a few catheters through my blood vessels to my heart, and they're cooled to freeze the damaged tissues. It works only part of the time, apparently, but if it does, I'll be able to get out of here." Lukas glanced up at the ceiling, hands clasped on his lap. "I'll be able to go home."
"That's good, right?" Mathias said eagerly, hands resting on his knees. "You've kept talking about how you want to go home! You're lucky; I have no idea when I'll be able to go home, and the food in here is terrible. Look at me, I'm wasting away- there's almost nothing left of me, when I get out of here I'm seriously going to have to hit the gym-"
"You always seem to prioritise the most important things. Have you heard anything about your treatment?" Lukas' monotonous voice held a tone of interest as he leaned forwards- abet subconciously- towards Mathias. The Dane could only shrug helplessly and grin.
"Nothing much. They're more worried about you, Arthurmy Boy!"
"It's called Arrhythmia, Mathias."
"That's what I said." Mathias pushed a hand through his hair, pulling a face. "I should ask Berwald to bring me in some hair gel. My supply is running low, and how am I supposed to look gorgeous without my hair styled?"
"You look fine. Stop being so vain." Lukas shook his head in mock despair as Mathias beamed.
"So you're saying I look gorgeous whatever my hair is like? Oh Lukas, you're so kind- but you're not so bad yourself-"
"Shut up, Køhler. Is there anything you particularly want?"
"As usual, I wanna talk." Mathias sat back with a grin, eyes still locked on Lukas' face. "Ever had a significant other? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? One night stand? I bet you have a hidden wild side, Nilsen!"
"I don't think so. Definitely not. Make your next question something decent, because I'm starting to think you're clinically insane. Are you?"
"I'll keep you posted with regular updates. When's your birthday? When is Emil's? How old is he? Are you really brothers? The kid's hair is so damn white, and yours is more silvery-blond, I guess."
"My birthday is May seventeenth. His is June eighth. He's sixteen. We're half brothers; same mother, different father. Mine is Norwegian, his is Icelandic. They both aren't around, and our mother works a lot, so it's just us." Lukas' eyebrows pulled together in a frown at his words. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I usually don't tell anyone, let alone idiots like you."
"Hey, I'm a smart, intelligent individual!" Mathias stuck his tongue out at the blond, but smirked all the same. "You can't resist my charming personality, that's all. Well, my parents aren't around either. My dad never was, but- well, anyway, at least you've got a little brother. I'd love one. I'd be an awesome big brother! You two are lucky to have each other." Lukas smiled slightly at his words, and at the Dane's honest tone.
"Yeah. We are. What happened to-?" He was cut off at the swinging of the ward doors, and a gasp from the arrived nurse. Mathias glanced up, grinning sheepishly as if he knew what was coming.
"Mr. Køhler, what are you doing? Where's your IV? You can't keep taking it out yourself!" She seemed horrified at his behaviour, and at his nonchalant shrug.
"Talking to Lukas; he livens things up in here. I don't want to stay hooked up to that thing twenty-four seven, but whatever." Giving a dramatic sigh, he clambered off of the bed in the direction of his own, saluting to Lukas. "Talk to you later, bro. Keep doing what you're doing."
"I'm not doing anything, Mathias," the Norwegian deadpanned, one pale eyebrow arched in confusion.
"Exactly. Just you keep that heart beating!"
Later that night, Lukas was curled into himself under his duvet, trying to keep his breathing even and steady. Part of his aching chest had to do with his illness, and the other part pure nerves. He'd be having surgery tomorrow. Heart surgery. It was going to be dangerous, whatever the doctor said. What if he didn't improve, or he died during the operation? He could actually die tomorrow. What would happen then? And Emil- he couldn't just leave Emil. He was all that his brother had.
It wasn't like the Norwegian boy to have such nerves. He scrunched his eyes more tightly together, trying to will himself to sleep. His shaking wasn't helping; his body just felt so much colder since he became unwell, the layers of shirts and sheets not helping his case. At this rate, he wouldn't sleep the whole night. Surprisingly, Mathias wasn't snoring, which was the usual cause for Lukas being kept awake. Lukas crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself in an effort to warm up. Had someone turned down the heating? It couldn't be so cold-
"Hey, Lukas. You awake?" The hiss had Lukas sitting up, alert and blinking blearily at the patient beside him. So this was the cause of Mathias' strange silence. The Dane was propped up on his elbow, watching him with a concerned gaze. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No," Lukas said quietly, pulling the duvet around himself, "I was already awake. It's fine. What do you want?" His tone was notably softer than how he usually spoke to the blond, in contrast to his sharper tone. Maybe it was the simple care present on Mathias' sharp features.
"I wanted to see if you were all right. What with tomorrow and all. How are you holding up?" The Dane's tone was sympathetic, and Lukas gave a helpless shrug. The pang in his chest wasn't just from the arrhythmia.
"I'm nervous, I guess. I can't sleep at all. I'm going to have surgery, and- and-"
"And what?" Mathias' voice was almost a whisper now.
"It could go wrong," Lukas muttered, biting his lip and staring Mathias in the eye. "I could die. I'm not worried about me- more about Emil. I could leave him behind, and I'm the only one looking out for him. I'm supposed to be there for him, and I just keep thinking it over, and- God, if I could just sleep it might actually put my mind at rest!" Burying his hands in his hair he exhaled deeply, caught up in his own misery. It wasn't until a creak came from beside him, and a hand curved around his arm that he started, staring up at Mathias' figure in the gloom. "What are you doing?"
"Move over." The Dane's tone was commanding, and Lukas felt confused at what on earth he wanted. "Just do it, Lukas." After debating for a moment, the Norwegian slowly shifted over, and the mattress dipped down as Mathias slipped in beside him.
"What are you doing?"
"Sleeping with you. If you can't get to sleep- and Lukas, you're freezing- then I'm going to help you," Mathias said firmly, readjusting the pillows. "Look at me- I'm burning up. It'll help, I promise, someone being beside you."
"You're just going to keep me awake, you idiot. Do you have any idea of personal space?"
"Lukas. Just trust me on this one, all right?" Lukas was tempted to strangle the blond, but something held him back. Maybe it was the Dane's act of care, or the hands gripping his arms securely. He seemed to genuinely want to help him, despite the odd gesture. "Let me help you get to sleep."
There was silence, and then the Norwegian gave the briefest of nods. Mathias gave a sigh of relief, pulling the duvet tighter around them with an arm wrapped around him. Lukas found his face pressed into the junction between the Dane's neck and shoulder and, hesitantly, hooked an arm around his waist with the other pressed between their chests. The blond had both arms wrapped around Lukas, face buried in his pale hair. Lukas disliked physical contact- even with Emil- and under normal circumstances would have fought Mathias off. But the Dane's touch was chaste, despite their strange embrace, and the heat radiating from Mathias was comforting. Lukas sighed heavily, eyes slipping shut with his cheek against the Dane's neck.
It took a surprisingly short time for Lukas to fall into a peaceful sleep, lulled by Mathias' breathing and soft, supportive hold.