silent lullaby

Limbs stiff and mind still foggy with sleep, Lukas was momentarily thrown when he awoke to find himself in someone else's arms, pressed against a broad chest with soft breaths tickling the back of his neck. Blinking the sleep from his eyes and lifting a hand to his head, he glanced up and was met with Mathias' still slumbering face.

He couldn't say it was the nicest sight to be presented with first thing in the morning- the Dane slept with his mouth hanging open and let out the occasional soft snore- but the platinum blond was more interested in the heat radiating from his bed mate. It still had to be early, judging from the dim light, and how else would no one have noticed two people in one bed? He pushed these thoughts from his mind as he curled closer to Mathias, slipping his arms around the Dane's middle again. Mathias sighed in his sleep, tightening his arms around Lukas unconsciously, and the Norwegian rolled his eyes. He should have guessed that Mathias would be clingy- but there was always later to push the other man away. Right now, he'd grudgingly admit that being held in the blond's arms and sharing his warmth was fairly pleasant.

Three hours later, the two were awoken by the shriek of one of the morning nurse, causing Mathias to jump and bang his head on the bed post. As his language slipped into Danish in frustration, his curses almost drowned out the nurse.

"What on earth are you doing, Mathias? Don't tell me you two slept together- your IV! You need to keep it in, how many times have I told you?" She seemed more concerned with Mathias' missing IV than the two sharing a bed, and Lukas blinked blearily in the sudden light. The Danish man sighed heavily, still beside Lukas and trying to look as innocent as possible.

"Sorry, Valerie. We were just having a little insomnia and what do you know, I get into Lukas' bed and we both sleep! I don't need that thing anyway. Can I have breakfast now?" Both Lukas and the nurse blinked at Mathias' abrupt change of topic, and the Norwegian elbowed him half-heartedly in the ribs.

"You can go back to your own bed, idiot. This hardly supports two people, and it's a miracle you haven't pulled my IV out already. Go on, go." Mathias pouted at his abruptness but, to Lukas' horror, reached over to run a calloused hand down his face with a wide smile. Before the Norwegian could lash out Mathias had tumbled out of his bed, righting himself almost immediately and sauntering over to his own with an obvious swagger.

"Aw, come on, Lukas. That was the best night's sleep you've had in ages, right? You don't have to deny it!" Mathias crowed, obediently extending an arm and let the nurse reattach his IV, his attention still focused on Lukas with his usual wide grin. "I know it's just hard admitting it to someone this handsome-"

"Thank you."

"Huh?" The Dane was taken aback at Lukas' mutter, mouth almost comically slack. "Thanks for what?"

"Thank you for helping me get to sleep," Lukas repeated, cheeks flushing against his will. He didn't want to give Mathias the satisfaction of having helped him out. "I appreciate it. It was nice of you. It was a good night's sleep. You're very handsome. Anything else you want to hear?"

"You think I'm handsome?!" Mathias bounced in his bed, tone radiant. "Aww Luke, you're so kind! And I knew you couldn't resist my looks for long! Wait till you see my abs, man, then you'll know what's handsome-"

"There's a little thing called lying, Mathias," Lukas deadpanned, shaking his head in despair. "You should really learn that."

"Yes, but you weren't lying, were you? You're attracted to me, right? I can't blame you!" Mathias' smile threatened to split his face with delight. Lukas didn't bother to respond, instead reaching out for the book of fairy tales and occupying himself with it.

"Leave him alone now, Mathias." The nurse was bustling around, now checking Lukas' various wires and monitors. "It's a big day for Lukas. You're going to have to stay calm for the operation later, dear."

At her words, both boys froze in their separate beds. Jerked back to reality, Mathias swallowed heavily and glanced over at Lukas. The Norwegian boy was quite still, fingers gripping the book in an iron hold. Slowly, with an air of deliberate care, he replaced the book on the bedside cabinet and slid down, pulling the covers over his head and burying his face in the pillows. The Dane watched him, unsure of what exactly to do. He opted with dropping his voice, almost whispering to the Norseman. "Lukas-"

"Leave me alone, Mathias." Anyone could have picked up on the ice in Lukas' voice, figure still hidden under his sheets. It was clear that he didn't want disturbed, and the previous closeness shared with Mathias had vanished. "Just leave me alone. I don't want to entertain you, all right?"

Mathias stared at him for a fraction of a second, eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Finally he sat back with a sigh, not bothering to respond to the Norwegian's terse words. They could simply be reflecting his fear at the upcoming operation, and not an abrupt aversion to him. At least, that's what he told himself.

Silence stretched out between the two as the nurse quietly left, leaving them quite alone in the ward. The Dane glanced at the large clock on the back wall, running a hand through his tousled hair. 8:17. Around an hour and a half before Lukas' surgery. The surgery that, just last night, he had been breaking down over.

The one that he could die from.

Despite the protests from his subconscious, Mathias didn't attempt to speak to him again. Lukas remained huddled under the blankets- not, as the Dane suspected, sulking or crying. He was speaking quietly to the voice mail on the other end of the phone, words muffled as he left a message for Emil. His brother would have left for school already, and now was the opportune moment, when he could speak without interruption and let out exactly what he had to say.

Hey, Emil. It's me. I know you won't get this until you're home, but... well. I just wanted you to have a message from me. I'm going to have surgery later- you'll have heard how it went by the time you got home, so don't worry about it. It's supposed to go well, the doctor says. If it does, I can come home again. But if it doesn't... that's why I'm phoning.

I... I just want you to know that I love you, all right? I know I don't say it a lot. But I do. Just... take care of yourself. Sadık is an asshole, but make sure he looks after you. He won't mind. Make sure Norge and Icey are fed. Make sure Mom comes home once in a while. I know, I sound like I'm expecting to die or something. But I couldn't go into a surgery without letting you know. Take care, little bro. I love you.

Lukas grimaced as he ended the call, drawing his hands to his chest with the phone clutched between them. In a few hours he could phone again and leave a new message telling Emil that everything was fine. The message was melodramatic, and probably unnecessary. It would only make Emil worry if he heard it later, or was still in the house for whatever reason.

But he had to leave it. Just in case.

The next time that Mathias and Lukas spoke was when the latter was in wheelchair, hands gripping the armrests as the nurse worked at his IV.

"Hej. Lukas." The Norwegian glanced up as he was addressed, meeting Mathias' gaze. The other man looked uncharacteristically serious, one hand playing with the hem of his sleeve. Mathias took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "You're going to be all right, ya hear? This is going to go by just fine. You don't need to worry."

Lukas watched him for a few moments, forehead creased. Was he irritated? Confused? Mathias never found out, for the Norwegian smoothed his features a moment later into his usual blank expression, giving him a terse nod. "Thank you. I hope so."

"You should trust me. I know these things." Mathias grinned, and was delighted when Lukas replied with his own, smaller smile. "You'll be back here in a few hours and insulting me like nothing's happened. Except you'll be better, so you go into this surgery and make sure you make it your bitch, hear me?"

"Loud and clear," Lukas said dryly, but seemed to accept his words. "I'll try. Don't..." He broke off, seemingly struggling for something to say. "You're not that bad, Mathias. Not in small doses. Thanks for- well. Thanks." The other man's expression softened at his words, and he nodded slowly.

"You're welcome. I'll see you later Lukas, yeah?" His reply was a faint smile and a weak hand raised in farewell as Lukas was wheeled away. Mathias scrambled to the edge of his bed, watching him until he was out of sight- the small, thin figure in the wheelchair, shoulders squared in a determined effort to appear in control. The doors swung shut behind him and slowly, Mathias sat back in bed, exhaling deeply. He had to keep himself calm, whatever he had said to Lukas before. The other man would be fine. He had to be.

Lukas' first thought was that the operating theatre was cold. It probably had to be, given the impending operation, but his mind was choosing to focus on trivial facts instead of giving in to his fear. As he lay back on the table, hands clenching and unclenching out of fists, doctors and nurses alike bustled around him, getting everything ready for his surgery. He was the lone, still figure in a crowd, quietly observing their goings on as they prepared to cut him open.

A few moments later the business had ebbed away and the main doctor loomed over him, face covered and voice muffled with his facial mask. "Ready, Lukas?" He barely waited for the Norwegian's slight nod before continuing. "This is a fairly complex surgery, but it's really nothing that hasn't been performed a hundred or so times. This'll last a few hours, but you'll be under anaesthesia throughout. Just try to keep calm."

A gas mask was looped over his head, and Lukas raised his chin to allow it to fit over his mouth. He felt the sweet gas enter his lungs as he inhaled, slowly seeping into his bloodstream. His head swam as he blinked sleepily, feelings his eyelids getting heavier with every passing moment.

Lukas' last waking sight was seeing the doctor picking up a scalpel from the tray offered by the nurse and leaning over him, pressing the point into his chest and slowly drawing a large, crimson gash through the flesh.

"Is he all right?" The voice was hushed, one of clear concern, and one also filled with morbid curiosity. "I don't think he's breathing. Is he breathing? He's very pale. Peter, honey, get off the bed."

"Why does Uncle Mathias get to sit on the bed?" an unfamiliar voice whined, that of a young child. "I'm smaller than he is, and he's sitting on the bed!" Someone else laughed uproariously at his words, and the first voice sighed sadly.

"Because Uncle Mathias is sick, and he doesn't pay attention to rules. Come on, off you get."

"Stop it, both of you. You're practically drooling on him," came another, more familiar voice, the edge razor sharp. "Give him some space. He's not going to look his best after a four-hour operation, is he? He just needs peace and quiet."

"Kid's right." The third voice was gruff, a deep baritone from an undoubtedly huge man. "Let 'im breathe, T'no, Peter. Step b'ck, Mathias." There came a grumbling, and the sound of someone wrenching their arm from another's grip. The bed creaked as someone shifted on it, readjusting their weight on the thin frame.

"I'm not hurting him. Calm the hell down, Berwald, I'm just looking at him."

"And sitting on his bed. And petting his face," came the third, quieter voice- Emil. "If he was awake, he'd kill you with his bare hands. Then he'd feed your remains to our cats."

"You're a cheerful little guy, aren't you?" Mathias mocked, rolling his eyes and huffing. "I'm just concerned, all right? I thought he was going to die. He acted like he was. Is he usually this dramatic?"

"It's not dramatic to worry about dying during an operation. It's quite normal, actually," Tino reasoned, tone thoughtful. "But at least it went well. That's good, right? He'll be able to go home soon?"

"The doctor said he'd be kept in for observation." Emil swallowed suddenly, reaching up to tug at a strand of hair worriedly. "They don't know if they sorted out all the bad tissue in his heart. But he's okay now. That's what matters. I came home from school for lunch, and he left me a voice mail just in case he died. He's going to go nuts if he wakes up and finds me here."

"He won't, if you've come to see how he is." The Finnish man patted Emil's shoulder comfortingly, several centimetres shorter than the teenager. "It's just looking out for him. It was very sweet of you; Peter wanted to see Mathias, so we got here and found him sitting by his bedside, so we just stayed for the party!"

"What were you doing, Mathias?" Emil's voice was suspicious, and Mathias laughed at his expression, riling the Icelandic boy.

"Reading my book, actually. I lent it to him he better be enjoying it, it's great! And looking at him, occasionally. It would suck if he died suddenly, so I guessed that he needed someone to check on him. And now we're all here! Hey, Peter, do you want to see the scar on my chest again?"

"Oh yeah! Lemme see, Uncle Mathias!" Peter sounded delighted, until the shake of Berwald's head had him whining. "Aww, Papa! No fair, it's so cool!"

"It's h'rrible. Yer too young."

"Too young? He's five now, Ber," Mathias scoffed, clearly unimpressed with his cousin. "By the time I was his age, I was a bona fide drinker-"

"Somehow, I didn't expect anything less. Come here, Peter." The boy obediently let himself be picked up by the Finnish man, snuggling into his chest as Tino patted his hair. "We've got to be quiet, all right? Lukas is very sick, so we have to let him rest."

"Who is he, anyway?" Peter chirped, staring at the prone figure curiously. "I thought we were here to see Uncle Mathias. Is he your friend, Uncle Mathias?"

"Well, I guess you could say that, but I-" Mathias' smug voice was cut off by a groan, and they all jumped at the sound. Under the hesitant gaze of the five figures Lukas blinked slowly, struggling to sit up once aware of his surroundings. Emil's hands were on him almost immediately, helping to shift him into a comfortable position in the bed while mindful of the various tubes and wires. Lukas raised his eyebrows at the party sitting around him, still groggy from sleep.

"What are you all doing here?" His voice was slurred, and he frowned in distaste at his speech. Emil patted his arm awkwardly, ignoring their usual no-touching mantra.

"Coming to see if you were all right." Emil's voice was quiet, the relief easy to distinguish. "You were in surgery for four hours. Everything seems to have gone okay." Lukas didn't question his words, instead nodding slowly. He seemed half-unaware of what was going on- Emil quickly put it down to the drugs still in his system, otherwise his brother would have probably ordered them all to leave. "How are you feeling?"

"...Sore. My chest hurts." The Norwegian gingerly reached a hand to his chest, feeling along the line of bandages with his fingers trailing over the newest wires. "My heart still feels fast."

At his words, an uneasy look passed between the others. Emil slid his hand down his brother's arm, briefly clasping his wrist and placing two fingers over the pulse. As Mathias leaned forwards to ruffle Lukas' hair, the other boy weakly trying to fight him off, Emil could feel the blood drain from his face as he felt his pulse.

It was as frantic as it had been before.

"Hey, Mister! Are you Uncle Mathias' friend?" Peter waved to Lukas from Tino's arms, catching the patient's attention. "He didn't really explain it well, but I've never met you before, but Mama and Papa stopped here when we went to see Uncle Mathias and I guess they know you, so who are you?"

Lukas stared at the boy, utterly confused. "I'm Lukas Nilsen. I tolerate your uncle. Who are you?"

"My son," Berwald cut over them, holding his arms out for Tino to pass the child to him. "Gonna take him out. C'mon, Pet'r, Ah'll take you to the park." The Swedish man took his hand and led him out, as Mathias turned to face Lukas with a grin again.

"You gave me a scare, princess. Four hours I was waiting! But you'll be getting better after this, right? The doctor told me you'll be kept in for observation well, I kind of listened in, he didn't tell me directly, but whatever. You're gonna be okay!" The Dane practically bounced on the bed, until Emil leaned over and pushed him off. "Hey, ouch! That hurt!"

"Leave my brother alone," was all Emil said, frowning down at Mathias. "Don't crush his legs right after he's had surgery."

Mathias climbed to his feet, eyebrows raised at Emil's tone. The Icelandic boy's hand was still wrapped around his brother's wrist, tone guarded and wary. He sounded almost... afraid. The Dane shrugged it off, trying to ignore his own worried thoughts as he climbed back on to Lukas' bed. "Do you want me to sleep with you again? Can I sleep with you? It was pretty damn fun-"

"Leave me alone." Lukas cut Mathias off mid-tirade, eyes slipping shut again. "I'm tired. Let me sleep."

"Dude, you've been sleeping long enough." Mathias sighed, reaching over to stroke Lukas' hair. At the blue eyes cracking open to glare at him, Mathias slowly retracted his hand and held it to his chest. "Sorry. I'll try it again when you're in a better mood." Emil rolled his eyes at the Dane, standing up on Lukas' other side.

"I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?" Lukas shook his head and Emil smiled vacantly, wandering off in the direction of a vending machine. Tino soon followed, a guilty smile present. "I'll be right back- I'm just going to see where Berwald and Peter got to. See you later Mathias, Lukas." With the four visitors gone the ward was quiet again, and Mathias turned to Lukas again.

"You really alright, Luke?" The blond's voice was hushed, and Lukas gave a small snort of dismissal.

"I've just gotten out of heart surgery where my chest was cut open. I'm hurting, thanks." A moment later, his voice softened and he shook his head slightly. "Sorry. It's just sore. Thank you for asking though. At least I survived." His corners of his lips quirked up in a half-smile, and Mathias laughed softly beside him.

"It's fine; I know you can be moody sometimes. I'm just glad you're okay." Face still holding its strange, faint smile, Mathias moved closer to Lukas and slowly lent over him. Lukas froze, hands curling into fists in his bed sheets and eyes filled with alarm roving over Mathias' face. Lips an inch away from Lukas' forehead, the Dane hesitated suddenly, biting his lip and moving back with a sigh. Lukas' eyes were tightly closed, breathing shallow as Mathias sat back, hands clasped and hanging loosely between his legs with his gaze focused on the ground.

"You should try and get some sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Yeah. Maybe." Lukas' voice was a whisper, and to Mathias' amazement, the other boy reached out with a shaking hand to take a loose hold on his arm. "Stay here. Until Emil gets back. Stay beside me."

A harsh voice in Mathias' mind told him that it was simply Lukas' fear that was talking, his reluctance to be left alone in the absence of his brother. His head was probably still addled by drugs, or he was really unaware of what he was saying. The Dane ignored it as he placed his hand over the Norwegian's, gripping it as tightly as he dared with a sad, tense smile.

"Course I will. Sleep well, Lukas. I'll be here when you wake up." Lukas sighed, hand slipping down from his arm to the bed sheets as his mind succumbed to sleep. Mathias reached down to take his hand again, fingertips running gently over his palm.

He had meant it. He had meant every word he said to Lukas.

All he knew was that he couldn't lose him.