the price of freedom
"I haven't done this on someone else's line before." Mathias bit his lip, eyebrows pulled together in a frown as he took hold of the drip. "I don't want anything to go wrong..."
"Just do it quickly, it's starting to hurt." Lukas rubbed his arm, glaring at the Dane as his patience dwindled by the second. "You seem to have no trouble doing it to yourself. Just yank it out already."
"I've told you before, you can't do that," Mathias said reprimandingly, frowning briefly at the Norwegian. "It's dangerous. I don't want you to bleed all over the floor; that would suck. You didn't want to take your IV out before, so don't blame me for going slow now. Easy does it..." With deliberate care, the blond slid the line out in one final movement, grinning as he held up the tube now detached from Lukas' arm. "There. Wasn't so bad, was it? I get quicker every time!"
"It still seemed like an age to me, idiot. And I actually wanted to move for once, I'm bored stuck in my own bed." Despite his whines, Lukas slid his legs from beneath the duvet and planted the soles of his feet on the ground. He hadn't stood up in God knows how long and even when he rose, the shaking in his legs made him question his decision to actually stand. Mathias held his arm out, and after a moment's reluctance, Lukas let him guide him towards the Dane's own bed. The Norwegian threw himself down when he reached it, burying his face into a pillow, and Mathias grinned as he sat beside him.
"You've been in a better mood recently. Those drugs working at last?"
"Dunno. The doctor's coming to see me later. Talk about my medication or condition or something." Lukas' voice was muffled and he rolled onto his back to face Mathias, the pillow still enveloped in his arms. "It's probably not going to be good news. Maybe. I don't know."
"How's your heart been feeling? That'll be some indication." Mathias slid down in bed until he was laying alongside Lukas, twisting their fingers together before the other boy could argue. Lukas simply blinked impassively and gave a shrug.
"The same. No better and no worse, really. It's still fast." His voice was its usual monotonous tone, and Mathias rolled his eyes with a sigh. "He's probably going to tell me that the surgery didn't work and that I'm going to die a miserable shadow of my former self."
"Always a ray of sunshine, aren't you? Stop worrying, it'll be fine. You sound like Tino- he worries like that, but he'd cry. You're more calm," Mathias said, voice matter-of-fact. "I bet you'll be released before I am. Looks like I'm just going to get medication this time around."
"Does that happen a lot?" Lukas' voice held a tone of interest, and Mathias shrugged, pulling the Norwegian's arm and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.
"Depends. When I was eight, I had to have three separate surgeries on my valves in the space of two weeks. The time after that, I was in for three days on a few different medications. I had a feeding drip that time around; I don't know what happened, but according to Berwald, I threw a kiddy tantrum over the hospital food. They decided to stick a tube into me instead of trying to get me to eat." The Dane's grin was wide and lacking in any guilt- in fact, he seemed almost proud of the story. "They probably knew the food tasted like crap."
"It isn't hard to believe that. You seem like you'd be an obstinate child." The Norwegian sounded reprimanding, but he smiled slightly at the image. "When he comes around, it's probably to tell me that I'm getting put on one. It seems that I haven't been able to keep my food down recently."
The Dane had, in fact, almost fallen out of bed at one of Lukas' vomiting fits at night. His behaviour was overwhemingly friendly to him during the day, but the sight of the Norwegian with bile dripping down his face had caused him to silently hit the button alerting the nurses and have them clean him up instead. Somehow, Lukas couldn't bring himself to hold a grudge against him for this.
"It's kind of gross, but..." Mathias paused for a moment, seemingly considering his words before he spoke. "Maybe it's for the best. You've been looking thinner recently." As if proving his point, he reached under the Norwegian's shirt and ran a hand along his prominent rib cage, before Lukas aimed a kick at his hand.
"Yes, I know. Don't point it out to me." He sounded irritated, but tightened his grip around Mathias' hand. "I'm naturally thin. I haven't lost as much as you think I have."
"Suuure, Nilsen. Next time Tino brings liquorice, I'll make him bring a bag for you too."
They'd began an odd sort of relationship, after the disastrous, and only, visit of Lukas' mother. The Norwegian questioned how successful something like this would be- how were they supposed to have something with any sort of normality trapped in hospital?- but resolved to question the logic at some other point. It was somewhat irritating to have Mathias around twenty-four seven, especially as the Dane rarely stopped talking, but the other boy was a good kisser. In Lukas' mind, that mostly made up for his motormouth.
"Hey. Want me to read something?" Lukas thought for a moment, then nodded in agreement. Mathias grinned, releasing his hand so he could reach out and take hold of his fairy tale book as they moved into their usual position. Mathias' back was against the headboard with Lukas' back pressed to his chest; the Dane drawing his knees up and holding the book in front of them while Lukas let his head fall back onto his shoulder, his lips skimming the blond's neck. There was something oddly soothing about Mathias reading- his baritone was perfect for speaking the Danish fairy tales, and he even put on voices for each of the different characters.
"There were once five and twenty tin soldiers; they were all brothers, for they all had been born of one old tin spoon..." Lukas shifted against the Dane, one hand moving to encircle his wrist and move his thumb over the steady pulse. Mathias smiled at the action, chin resting on Lukas' head as he continued regardless. "They shouldered their muskets, and looked straight before them: their uniform was red and blue, and very splendid..."
Lukas fell asleep sometime before the end of the story, lack of solid food and decent sleep exhausting him. Mathias had put him back into bed- cringing at the effortless ease it took to lift him- and reattached his IV before any of the nurses came back. He then retreated back to his own bed after a kiss to the blond's forehead, and spent the rest of the afternoon quietly reading.
The Norwegian would never have expected it but sometimes, Mathias liked a peaceful silence.
"There. You should be able to have some decent nutrition now. Your BMI is much lower than we'd like it to be, Mr. Nilsen, so you'll have to stay on the line until your weight increases..."
Through the doctor's stern words, Lukas could only wonder if he could liquidise the bag of liquorice Tino had hidden under his pillow. The Finnish man and Mathias were grinning at him and giving him thumbs up from behind the doctor's back, and Lukas tried to keep a straight face as Berwald watched the two with a tired sort of resignation. Clearly, Tino and Mathias had tried this cheerful routine multiple times before. "All right. What about the surgery? Was it sucessful?"
"We'll have to wait a little while longer to see just how well the ablation therapy worked- the results won't be clear for a few more days yet. For the meantime, there's been a few more medications added to your daily rota. Nothing major: just give your heart some time, and you'll be out of here as quick as possible, Mr. Nilsen." Flashing him a quick smile the doctor turned to Mathias, who immediately adopted a somber expression. "I believe you're leaving us for a few hours, Mr. Køhler. Your guardian has filed a request for a family event, is that right?"
"We're just taking him out for three hours," Tino said quickly, smiling nervously at the doctor. "Mathias visits his mother on the seventeenth of every month, and he's usually allowed out if he's in hospital at the time. Is it all right? We'll have him back on time, I swear-"
"It's fine." The doctor cut over Tino, probably aware that the Finn was going to go off on a tangent. "You just have to sign some paperwork at the front desk and have him back before the night shifts. Mathias, you know the drill- stay in your wheelchair, avoid sports, junk food, any tiring activities, that sort of thing."
"Sure thing." Mathias grinned, pushing his hair back with a hand. Lukas had seen it unstyled- and it was longer than he'd expected- but the Dane insisted on wearing it as gravity-defying as possible. The blond was sitting in one of the hospital's wheelchairs, looking the picture of ease. "We're only going to be at two-twenty Victoria Street, and forty-six Summer Way- that's Ber's address. I'll be back before you know it!" While the doctor nodded, checking the clipboard hanging at the end of the Dane's bed, Mathias turned to face Lukas with a beseeching expression. "Luke, you should come with us. It'll be better if you did!"
"Don't call me Luke," was all that the Norwegian said, before the doctor cut over him smoothly. "I'm afraid not. Only immediate family has the privilege to do that."
Without missing a beat, Tino spoke up. "Would I be able to do it? I'm his uncle." Mathias blinked, and even Berwald looked taken aback with Tino's smooth excuse. "He's my sister's kid. Svanna's unable to be here because of work, but I know she'd appreciate it if I was looking after him. Can I sign him out alongside Mathias?"
Lukas questioned just how Tino knew his mother's name, but the doctor looked sceptical despite Tino's innocent expression. "You aren't listed as his guardian. Family or not, without produced permission from his mother, you can't take him out. It's not recommended to begin with- Mr. Nilsen may be eighteen, but his arrhythmia is a serious case. He's unable to take a day's jaunt like Mr. Køhler." The doctor bowed his head apologetically and moved away to the store cupboard at the back of the room, Tino frowning after him while Mathias groaned.
"You were so close. What's this- you're his uncle? I've been living with someone I don't even know!" Mathias reached back to punch his arm, adding, "I was pretty sure it would work, though."
Tino sighed sadly, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. "I did, too. Sorry, Lukas- I did try. It looks like you're going to do without Mathias for a few hours." He smiled apologetically, and was met with the Norwegian's raised eyebrows and slight smirk.
"Who said that was a bad thing?"
"He doesn't mean that," Mathias assured his family, though Berwald looked unconvinced and Tino amused. "He loves me really. I guess you're just hiding your feelings, Lukas, 'cause you're upset that we're going to be apart..."
"Keep telling yourself that. Have fun." There was something odd about Mathias' words to the doctor, but Lukas pushed it aside in favour of offering the Dane a small smile. Mathias' response was frantically waving and blowing him kisses, while Berwald settled for a nod and Tino a friendly, if apologetic, smile. The door swung shut behind them, and the Norwegian was left behind in the ward with the doctor. The smile dropped from his face, and he turned to look over at the other man, fingers absently running along the feeding tube slid through his skin.
"Isn't twenty-two Victoria Street the local cemetery?" At his words the doctor glanced up, and hesitated before answering.
"I'm not quite sure. You'll have to ask him when he returns." The man quickly excused himself and followed the family out, seemingly wanting to avoid Lukas' questions. The platinum blond sat back, frowning, and tried to make sense of what Mathias has said. Something hadn't quite added up in the Dane's words, but he was unable to think it over- the doors to his ward had swung open yet again, revealing Emil standing in the doorway.
"Emil!" His brother looked taken aback at the cheer in his voice, and even Lukas was surprised. He could hardly blame himself, though; he was always glad to see his younger brother, and he needed something to distract himself from his growing suspicion of the fate of Mathias' mother. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"I didn't have anything to do, Lukas. School's out for the summer, and I feel bad for you stuck in here." Emil took a seat by his bedside, before quickly adding, "not that I don't want to come-"
"I know. I'm just glad you're here now." The Norwegian settled back against the pillows, running an eye over his brother's form. Unlike himself, Emil looked healthy and well dressed- that, at least, was a relief. The polo shirt he was wearing had its collar folded over his neck, and Lukas frowned slightly at the sight. Perhaps he'd just forgotten to push it down. "How have things been? Have you-"
"Been getting decent sleep, a good diet, enough time spent outside?" Emil interrupted dryly. "Yes. I do listen to you when you're here, you know. How are you? Is that a new tube?" He looked Lukas up and down, swallowing slightly. "What's this one for?"
"Nutrition. I haven't been able to keep my food down." Lukas' voice was deliberately light, yet his brother still looked ill at the thought. "Don't worry about it. The doctors have me on a new medication- I'll be home before you know it. It's been long enough."
"Oh. That's good." Emil smiled, but there was something strange hidden in his eyes. "You say that nearly every time you're here."
"I'm actually confident that I'm right this time." The Norwegian attempted to mirror his brother's smile, but his expression froze before he could try. Emil had made as if to rub his neck, but had pushed the collar of his shirt aside in the process, revealing the purplish-red bruises peppered along his neck. At Lukas' intake of breath his brother glanced up, eyes widened and hand tugging at his collar again as he realised Lukas had caught a glimpse. Despite his attempts to hide it, the Norwegian still stared in shock at his younger brother.
"Emil, what happened to you?" He couldn't hide the amazement in his voice, and a blush spread across Emil's face as he failed to meet Lukas' eyes.
"Nothing! It's nothing, Lukas. Don't worry about it." There was a pleading undertone to his voice, as if imploring Lukas to stop with the questions, and the determination to find out the truth set in to the Norwegian.
"That's not nothing. Someone's hurt you, Emil. Who was it?" His brother seemed reluctant to answer, and Lukas pressed ahead. "Tell me. Are you being bullied?"
"No- nothing like that!" The Icelandic boy took a shaky breath, biting at his lip. Lukas watched him, utterly confused with his reaction. Emil usually told him everything, yet here he seemed desperate to avoid the conversation. "Lukas, please. You don't need to worry."
"I am going to worry," Lukas said through gritted teeth, "because you're my younger brother, and something's happened to you. Tell me what happened."
For a moment, he was sure that Emil wasn't going to answer. His brother visibly struggled for words before him, teeth clamped down on his lip as he considered how to answer. Then he took a shaky breath, face flushed and embarrassed, and avoiding his brother's eyes as he spoke.
"No one's hurt me." His voice was soft, the undertone of shame tangible. "They're lovebites."
Lukas simply blinked at him. He couldn't register sense of the words for a moment, simply staring at his brother. Emil was resolutely ignoring his gaze, sniffing and wiping a hand across his face. Then Lukas found his voice, eyebrows pulled together in a puzzled frown.
"Lovebites? Why do you have lovebites? Who gave them to you?" His voice was still an undertone, but there was an unexpected feeling welling up inside of him. Anger. Anger that someone, whoever they were, had done this to his little brother- his brother Emil.
The Icelandic boy tugged at his hair again, voice even softer when he spoke this time. "...Leon." His cheeks darkened, and he looked back, almost longingly, to the doors of the ward. "Leon did. I..." Emil let out another breath, blinking hastily. "I'm dating Leon."
Silence stretched out between them, and Emil took the oppourtunity to hastily wipe his eyes as Lukas stared at him, unable to quite believe his words.
"You're dating Leon?" he said bleakly, voice heavy. Emil nodded, tears now gathering in the corners of his eyes. "For how long?"
"F-Five months." At this, Lukas was taken aback. Five months? He hadn't noticed Emil had been dating someone for so long- for months? Despite his confusion another, darker thought entered his mind, and he tried to keep his voice calm and controlled as he addressed his brother.
"Have you slept with him?" Emil's head shot up, his violet eyes wide with shock and his mouth hanging open as he stared at the Norwegian. "Answer the question, Emil." Lukas' voice was firm, and his temper only grew at the sight of the boy floundering for an answer. Against his will, the Icelandic boy's cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were darting around the room; looking for an escape route, both from Lukas and answering the question.
"It's none of your business!" His brother's voice was indignant, and Lukas' eyes narrowed at the tone. He knew Lukas better than he knew himself and this voice, the one with the shaking undertone and strained words, was the one he used when he was as guilty as hell.
"Emil Stielsson. Have you slept with him? Answer me." Emil's expression was indignant, mouth set in a tight line, and Lukas prayed that he hadn't heard his stumble over the words. Not his little brother- not Emil- he was too young, he couldn't have done such a thing- he would have known- his eyes snapped up to Emil as the boy answered, voice strained in an effort to hold back his anger with his cheeks still flushed.
"Yes. I have. And it's got nothing to do with you." At his confession, Lukas could feel the bile rising in his throat, and struggled to keep it down. His little brother had gone behind his back, slept with- with that boy. He hadn't liked Leon from the moment he'd met him- his cool indifference to Lukas; his growing presence in their home; the fact he was one of seven children with seven different fathers; his stealing of Emil's attention- and now his brother was telling him that they were in some sort of twisted relationship? Almost subconsciously, Lukas' hands twisted into his bed sheets as every syllable in his words shook with fury.
"It's got everything to do with me. I'm your brother. You can't see him any more." Lukas' voice rang with authority, his searing gaze focused on Emil's face. His brother was taken aback at the sudden demand, but shook his head furiously once he gathered his thoughts.
"You can't do that!" All of Emil's previous tears were forgotten, such was the sudden rage directed towards his brother. "You can't control me any more, Lukas! I'm sixteen, and I can see him- date him- hell, I can have sex with him if I want! I love him!"
"You're just a kid. You don't know what love is," Lukas said coldly, indifferent to Emil's words. All that mattered was his little brother, his little brother had been seduced by the Chinese bastard. Despite the control in his words, Lukas felt as if he was going to be sick. The thought of Emil with that boy was almost too much to bear. "Did he force you? Because if he did Emil, I swear-"
"He didn't force me! You know what, Lukas? I was the one who asked him to have sex with me! Don't look at me like that; it's my life, Lukas. I'm not a little kid any more! I don't need you breathing down my neck every time I try to do something, every time I try and make friends- you know, since you've been in here, I've never had more freedom in my life!" Emil's voice was shrill, and Lukas' eyes narrowed. "I love Leon, and you can't stop me from seeing him. You're not my father, however much you act like it."
"Who else is going to protect you? You're a child, Emil. This- this relationship with Leon- you're only sixteen. You shouldn't be involved with anyone."
"Anyone that isn't you?" Emil's tone was biting, fingers gripping the edge of his shirt and twisting it. "You know why I never made friends before? Because you would scare them all off. All the kids in my class, they were freaked out about how protective you were. None of them wanted to be my friend- half of them were to terrified to attempt it. It made me absolutely miserable, but you were too pleased to have my company that you didn't notice. You never notice the little details, Lukas. Everything has to be your way, all the damn time. You know, I told Sadık about Leon, right after we first got together. And do you know what he did?"
"Enlighten me." Lukas' voice was icy, his anger freezing in contrast to Emil's fire. "What was so important that you had to tell Sadık? What did your Pops say?" Inwardly, his heart was pounding at the thought of Emil confiding in their neighbour, rather than him, but his feelings were pushed aside to make way for his cold contemption of Leon.
"He told me that he was happy for me, because I finally had a friend my age. I finally had someone who cared about me, despite the fact you're freaking obsessed with me. He was happy for me. Why can't you be?" Emil's tone was wheedling now, and he tried to recover his breath lost. How ironic, Lukas thought; the first lengthy conversation they'd had in months, and it was a near screaming match.
"Because I don't approve. I don't approve of Leon, I don't approve of this relationship, I don't approve of you sleeping with him." The Norwegian's voice was quiet now, filled with disapproval. "I'm your brother. I know what's best for you."
For a moment, Emil remained silent, contemplating his words. Then he gave a short, harsh laugh, causing Lukas to look up with eyebrows arched in question. "You're deluded, Lukas. I'm not four any more. I don't need you to hold my hand, or try and do the right thing for me. I'm together with Leon; I'm not going to break up with him just because you don't like him. I love him, and he loves me, whatever you tell yourself."
"Whatever you tell yourself-"
"This is why I didn't tell you!" Emil snapped, visibly shaking in rage as he spoke, "I knew you'd act like this. I knew you'd hate me dating anyone, and I was right. I don't know if you're jealous, or you're just too overprotective, but you can't control me any more. You're messed up, Lukas. I don't know what Mathias sees in you, because he's far too good for you. You're twisted."
"Emil. Don't be like this." Lukas bit his lip, stunned at his brother's sudden emission "We can talk about this." He had no intention of doing so, of course- he'd do anything he could to keep Leon from his brother- but he was gripped with the sudden fear of Emil getting up and leaving, even as his brother rose to his feet and glared at him.
"I'm done talking to you. You're not going to listen to anything I say anyway. Why can't you just be happy for me?" The Icelandic's voice was suddenly pleading, eyes filled with hurt as he stared at his older brother. "Please, Lukas. Please just accept that there's someone other than you in my life."
The Norwegian's silence was enough of an answer for Emil and with a strangled sob, he turned on his heel and stormed from the hospital room. Lukas' hand reached out as the door slammed behind his brother, ineffectually grasping at the air.
He'd messed up. This time, he'd really messed up, and as he settled back into bed, trembling, the pangs of his heart taunted him.
When Mathias returned a few hours later, mysteriously subdued, he found Lukas with his pillow over his head, skinny form visibly shaking and refusing to tell him what had happened. The Dane was concerned, not to mention worried, but could only follow through on the Norwegian's request to stay in his bed that night.
With the silent tears soaking through his shirt and his hand soothingly running the length of Lukas' back, his own mind ill at ease over the day's events, neither of them slept that night.