i'll keep you safe and sound

With his new feeding tube, Lukas' first trip out of his bed looked as if it would be his last. This left Mathias being the one to leave his own bed- to his irritation, and Lukas' amusement, his IV was now one that he could pull along, meaning that he had no excuse to take it out. As per usual he was perched on the edge of the Norwegian's bed, dutifully handing him liquorice after Lukas refused to take it from his mouth with his own.

"You know, I'm kind of glad I have heart problems," he said suddenly, pushing his hair back from his eyes. It was loose today, surprisingly long when it wasn't tousled. "Yeah, it sucks. It's kind of ruined my life in some ways. But I could have it worse- I mean, there's people who will die unless they get a transplant, and mine isn't so bad. And it meant that I met you. You don't happen to believe in fate, do you, Lukas?"

"No," the Norwegian said brusquely, eyebrows pulled together in a frown. "It's a load of rubbish." His voice was dismissive, but inwardly, he felt softened at Mathias' words.

It was nice, to feel wanted.

"Too bad." The Dane grinned, balling up the now empty bag of sweets and aiming it at a nearby bin. "I don't either, usually, but it's nice to think about it. Not that I want you to be sick- it's something I really don't want- but I'm glad I met you, Luke. Under all that iciness, you can be a real sweetheart."

"Shut it, Køhler. You're an ass." Lukas huffed, folding his arms as Mathias let out a bark of laughter. "Flattery won't get you anywhere." He ran an eye over the other blond's body for a moment, taking note of his wide smile and bright eyes, and leant over to press a kiss to his cheek.

If anything, Mathias' grin grew, and he raised his head so their lips could connected. For a moment, all was quiet, save for the occasional soft sigh, and Lukas teased the Dane's mouth open with the tip of his tongue as the other blond smirked. It was Mathias who pulled back this time and when he did, Lukas saw that he was still wearing his usual smug look and hooded eyes combination.

"Sometimes you act as if your heart is an iceberg, and then you go and do things like that... I like this side of you, Nilsen."

"Gloating isn't an admirable trait- no, not even if you are right." Flustered and his cheeks dusted pink, Lukas tugged at Mathias' arm, and the Dane shifted until they were side by side, his head lightly pressed to the Norwegian's chest. Out of his vision, a soft smile tugged at Lukas' thin lips as he ran his fingers through Mathias' light hair, the other boy shivering at the sensation.

"Well? Aren't you going to express all your feelings for me?"

"Careful, Mathias, you narcissism is showing." Lukas' voice was chastising, but one hand slid down to cup Mathias' face. "I like you."

"You do? How sweet, Lukas."

"It's more like toleration than anything else, really." There was something of a denial, one he doubted Mathias would pick up on- or maybe he would, with that overconfident attitude of his. He did like Mathias; as a friend, or even in a romantic sense, rather than simple speaking to him out of loneliness or boredom. If that was the case, his fingers wouldn't be ghosting over the Dane's skin, moving in soothing circles and tracing the contours of his face. Mathias smiled at his actions, nestling his face into Lukas' thin chest and sighing in content.

"Well, I really like you. It helps that your hands are soft."

"I know. It's my best quality." The Dane wasn't as stupid as he'd immediately assumed him to be, and Mathias grinned at his sarcasm. The teachers at school always remarked on his try humour, when he actually spoke at all. It was hard to hold himself back sometimes, what with the idiots in some of his classes.

Mathias was different. He actually liked his company, for one.

"I don't know why the nurses haven't moved one of us yet. I keep getting out of bed; usually they go nuts when I wander about." His voice was muffled, eyes half-closed against Lukas' chest, and the Norwegian arched his eyebrows in surprise.

"Why do you think you got the new IV line? There's not many more places they can move us and besides, they probably feel sorry for poor dying Lukas Nilsen." His words had been light but Mathias scrambled to a sitting position, staring at him with eyes widened in shock. Lukas simply blinked, waiting patiently for Mathias to find his voice. When he did, his tone was shaking.

"Don't say things like that, Lukas."

"Why not? It could happen." Mathias scowled at Lukas' cool tone, at the steely voice that didn't take attention from the Norwegian biting at his lip. Instead of starting another argument the Dane simply sighed through his nose, an expression of irritation at Lukas' pessimism.

"Don't want to hear it. You're going to get better."

"Your optimism is overwhelming." All of a sudden, the Norwegian felt inexplicably tired. Tired of sitting in a hospital bed, unable to have any freedom, and unsure of whether or not he would get better. He watched his bed mate through weary eyes, his guilt and common sense locked in conflict.

His words seemed to have put Mathias in a bad mood, and at first, the Dane remained stiff and unmoving when Lukas pressed his forehead to his shoulder. Then, without a word to him, he slipped an arm around his shoulders and drew the thinner boy to his chest in an almost protective gesture, burying his face in Lukas' pale hair.

"You're going to be the death of me, you know."

"Probably. Better me than a heart condition."

After that, the topic was dropped.

Tino and Peter came to visit later that afternoon- Berwald was apparently working overtime, but the Finnish man and his stepson's spirits didn't seem dampened. Tino brought his usual delivery of sweets, while Mathias tried to convince Lukas to show his new feeding tube to Peter. Predictably, he refused, to the disappointment of both Peter and Tino.

Emil didn't arrive, for the second day in a row.

Mathias seemed to notice this, but didn't question it until his own visitors had left. When the doors had swung shut behind them, Tino carrying a frantically waving Peter, he turned to Lukas with raised eyebrows. The Norwegian had been polite, and had spoken to Tino, yet his behaviour seemed oddly forced.

"So. Emil's been absent for the past few days." His voice was light, words easy, yet Lukas stiffened at his words. Under Mathias' gaze he turned his back on the Dane, burrowing down in bed with the sheets covering him. He had been around the other boy long enough to know that it was Lukas' standard reaction when he didn't want to face something. Mathias pressed ahead regardless. "Any reason why?"

"He doesn't want to see me." The Norwegian's voice was muffled, and Mathias strained to hear him properly. "He's angry at me."

"Because...?"

"Because he's an ungrateful brat, that's why."

"Aww, come on. He's not that bad." Privately, the Dane was stunned at him saying such a thing. Lukas practically worshipped the ground Emil walked on- there was no doubt that he adored his younger brother. Yet here he was, nearly shaking with rage. "What did he do?"

"Don't want to talk about it."

"Lukas-"

"I don't want to to talk about it," Lukas snapped, making Mathias jump. He looked furious, and covered his face with his hands. "Please, Mathias. Not now." The Dane could only blink at him, nod, and let Lukas wallow in his feelings.

Lukas didn't speak again until that night, wrapped in Mathias' arms with their legs tangled together. Mathias had been stroking his hair, occasionally bending his head to press kisses to his face in an attempt to cheer him up, all while ignoring Lukas' irritated looks and smirking at every sigh. Unable to sleep, Lukas spoke up suddenly.

"Remember the day Berwald and Tino took you out?" Mathias glanced down at him, nodding, and Lukas took a deep breath. "Emil came to visit. I upset him."

"Right. Okay." Mathias spoke slowly, waiting for Lukas to continue. When no reply came, he pressed ahead. "What happened?"

"We argued." The Norwegian's voice was small, cheek pressed to Mathias' chest and fingers trailing over his arm. "He... he has a boyfriend. He's been seeing his friend, and he's lied to me about it. He slept with him, Mathias, and he didn't tell me. And we argued. He left. I haven't seen him since."

"Why are you so protective over Emil?" Abruptly, he switched topic. Lukas glanced up at him, eyebrows furrowed in thought, then set his head back against the Dane's chest with a sigh.

"Because I'm all he has," Lukas said, his voice lacking any tone. He shifted restlessly against Mathias' side, and the Dane pushed the hair back from his forehead. "His father left before he was born. Our mother hired a babysitter nearly as soon as she brought him home from the hospital. I loved him from the first moment I saw him- I was barely two at the time, but I remember it so clearly. He was tiny, but he already had all this white hair. Got it from his father- I can't remember him, but there used to be a photograph of him in Emil's room."

Lukas let out a shaky breath, then added, "It was someone that was mine. Like our mother was going to care- I knew I had to look after him. The first night he got home, I climbed out of bed and slept on the floor beside his crib with a blanket and pillow. Put my hand through the bars so I could hold his hand- I used to do that a lot."

"You looked after him because no one looked after you," Mathias said softly, now stroking a thumb along Lukas' cheekbone. "You didn't want him to be like you. You wanted someone to notice him." His words weren't a question, merely a statement. Lukas let his eyes slide closed, and nodded.

"Yeah. That's about it." The words were bitter on his mouth, yet every syllable was true. "It's just hard, thinking that someone cares about him nearly as much as I do. This guy, Leon, he has five brothers and sisters. His eldest brother is in some of my classes, and they're a genuinely happy family. They have each other. I only have Emil- our mother didn't care about me, you've seen it yourself. I couldn't let Emil grow up thinking that he wasn't loved, when I loved him more than anything. I still do, come to think of it."

"Looks like I was a few years too late." Mathias' tone held false cheer, yet he sighed and pulled Lukas closer to him. "I'm sorry, Luke. Family sucks. Believe me, I know it."

Lukas moved back, frowning up at Mathias. "You always want to talk about my family; you've never told me about your family. I know about Berwald, and Tino, and Peter- but that's your cousin and his family." He reached up, placing a hand against Mathias' face, the Dane's expression stiff. "What about your parents? Tell me about them."

"There's a reason I don't talk about my parents." Mathias' eyes slid to the floor, voice guarded. "It's not exactly a happy story. You won't want to hear about it."

"I do." Lukas' fingers were trailing along the Dane's cheekbones, tone monotonous but firm. "Tell me. Please." When Mathias remained silent, he sighed heavily. "Why-"

"When I was two or three, I had trouble breathing at preschool, so I was sent to hospital." His words came in a sudden rush, alarming Lukas with the frantic pace. "My parents were told that I had an enlarged heart. By the end of the week, my dad had packed his things and left. We never heard from him again. I was just a kid, but my mother was never the same afterwards. When she smiled, it didn't reach her eyes." Mathias' voice was brittle as he tried to keep his anger contained, smiling bitterly himself.

"She was a good mother, don't get me wrong. She took me to all of my hospital appointments, set out all my medicine in the mornings... she used to have to bribe me, when I was a kid. Gave me a piece of chocolate for every one of the pills I took." Lukas' mouth curved into a ghost of a smile, and Mathias pressed on, eyes still focused on the opposite wall. "I didn't know it back then, but she was depressed. It wasn't vitamins she took every morning. Berwald said it was stress; it's what they like to say, the doctors and my family, 'she was stressed'. They don't mention that it was from dealing with a sick child on her own. I guessed, though. There wasn't much else it could have been."

"So she was depressed," the Norwegian whispered, fingers tightening their grip on Mathias' shirt. "What happened afterwards?" Mathias glanced down; he had been so caught up in his story that he now looked vaguely surprised at seeing Lukas there. He attempted to smile naturally, yet couldn't quite manage it.

"Two or three months before I turned seventeen, my breathing started getting worse, and I had to go into hospital again. Two days before I was admitted, my mother went out to get groceries. I was playing video games in my room, and... she was acting weird. Stood at my door for ages and when I asked her what she wanted, gave me a hug and a kiss. Then she left, but- I should have guessed. I let her get up and leave, Lukas. I didn't try to stop her. I should have stopped her, but I was too busy with video games."

Lukas felt his heart sink at the bitterness and pain in Mathias' voice, and swallowed audibly as the Dane blinked hastily. His fears seemed confirmed, and he knew what was coming, yet he pressed ahead in a carefully controlled tone. "What happened, Mathias?"

"She killed herself. Drove her car over a bridge, and drowned before anyone could reach her." It was a good thing that Mathias was steadfastly refusing to meet his eyes; who knows how he would have reacted to Lukas' horror. "In her mind, it was better to be dead than have a sick child. Remember what I said, about my heart problems not being bad? They're still bad enough for my own parents don't want me."

"Don't say that," Lukas said quietly, gripping Mathias' face in both hands. The Dane was forced to meet his gaze, Lukas' eyes calm and focused on his features. "You don't know that."

"What else would it have been, Lukas?" Mathias whispered, gripping the Norwegian man's wrists and stroking his thumbs along the soft skin. "My parents find out I'm sick, and my father leaves in the same week. I have to go into hospital, and my mother kills herself. Why else would they have done it?"

Lukas didn't even consider his words, thumbs tracing smooth strokes over Mathias' jaw. "Maybe they were afraid that you'd die before them. Maybe they didn't want to see their son die in front of them. I can't be sure about your father, but your mother probably loved you too much to watch that happen. Have you ever considered that? Family never makes sense, Mathias. I know that better than anyone."

There was silence between them, and Lukas had the impression that Mathias was fighting to hide his inner feelings. Somehow, he doubted that the Dane had ever even considered that his mother had cared for him in the end.

After a few moments, Mathias slowly nodded. He took a deep breath, eyes sliding closed, then pulled Lukas into a tight embrace. "Please don't leave me. I can't lose you too." Lukas shifted against him, lifting a hand to stroke Mathias' face as the Dane buried his face in the smooth junction between his shoulder and neck. "I don't want to lose you. Please, Lukas-"

"You won't." His voice was firm, even if he doubted it himself. "You won't lose me, Mathias. It'll be okay." He pressed a kiss to the Dane's cheek, running his hand through Mathias' hair until the other boy relaxed against him.

He wasn't sure if Mathias believed him. He wasn't sure if he believed it himself. But seeing his face relax, and feeling his arms tighten around him, Lukas was content to keep up the fantasy.