impossible dream

It was cold. So unspeakably, unbearably cold.

His very bones ached at the sensation, and he wished he could find a way to regain his heat. He could bury himself under a mound of blankets, clutch a hot water bottle to his chest, do anything to rid himself of the pain. It burned at his skin like an open flame, so white hot it seared him.

Dimly, he could hear the din around him, the voices clear without the frantic beating of his heart. There was those doctors again- he could recognise some calm, controlled voices, the usual tone they would adopt for their work. Amidst the high pitched whine of the machine and the doctors he could hear a familiar voice, and found himself taken aback at the desperate pleas he could hear. They were for him. They wanted him to get better.

Charging, came a cool voice. Clear.

There was a thumping sort of noise through the static, and he frowned in distaste. The pleading voice was gasping for breath now, a soft reassurance coming from whoever was with them, and a quiet mutter broke through his subconscious.

Nothing. Again. Clear-

Thump.

"Please, please, let him live, let him live-"

Again. Clear.

Thump.

"You have to save him, you have to- give him my heart, take mine, do anything to me-"

This isn't working came a soft voice, one of quiet insistence. It's cruel. He's not going to respond. It was a detached feeling, but he felt panic begin to well up inside of him. Look at the boy- look at his weight. Even if we bring him back, it doesn't seem as if he'll survive if this happens again. His heart's giving out.

We'll take it to five. If he hasn't responded by then, we'll stop. The doctor's voice was a mutter but was clearly overheard by the others, and he could almost feel the desperate anger in the air.

"You can't stop!" the voice shrieked, fury lacing every syllable. "You have to bring him back! You have to save him!"

"Mathias, please-" Another voice interjected now, tone distressed as they tried to calm him. "You need to calm down, they're trying to save him-"

Thump.

"They're not! They're going to give up on him! You can't, you can't- Lukas, wake up! Wake up! Please, wake up- you have to- you can't leave! Lukas, wake up!"

Last time, came the grim tone, and Mathias' voice siphoned off into a cry of despair. After this, we're agreed. Charging- clear-

There was a deathly silence after the final shock of the defibrillator, only broken by Mathias' sobs. The head doctor turned away from the wide-eyed onlookers- the horrified blonds, weeping patient and white-haired boy with the tears silently running down his face, expression a mask of grief- to shake his head at the team. As he pulled back his sleeve, ready to announce the time of death, the heart monitor began beeping again with a bright, erratic rhythm.

All those present turned to stare at it, stunned, and Mathias lifted his head from Tino's arms, looking too afraid to hope. The doctor slowly lowered his arm, turning to face his colleagues with his voice betraying no emotion as he clasped Lukas' wrist.

"There's a pulse. We've got him back."

Mathias pulled himself from Tino's grasp with determination written over his features, but Berwald yanked him backwards and held him tight, ignoring his furious curses and pleas to be released. His hands were vainly clasping at the air at the retreating backs of the doctors, still reaching for Lukas even as he was taken out, now visibly breathing again as Mathias strained to reach him.

"Please, Berwald." His cousin glanced down at his words, Mathias' voice weak from his previous screaming. "Let me go. I need to see him. I need to be there for him!"

"You can't do anythin' for him." Berwald's voice held its usual sombre tone but was dusted with pity, making the Dane grit his teeth with anger. "Doctors'll bring him back. Just got t'check his cond'tion." Slowly, Mathias relaxed his body in Berwald's arms, and his arms fell limply to his sides. Tino watched the two, biting his lip anxiously, before turning to face Emil. The boy had been silent the whole time, and now the Finn looked, could see him standing with his head lowered and face stained with tears.

"Emil?" At his soft voice the Icelandic boy glanced up, eyes wary. Without another word, Tino held his arms out to him, but Emil hesitated. He'd picked up on the boy's behaviour, his attachment to Lukas; he wasn't one who would easily accept affection, and he regarded Tino with eyes as tense as any animal's.

With a sinking feeling, Tino realised that he was unused to such actions from anyone other than his older brother. Perhaps it was the scene that had just happened before him, or of the sixteen-year-old fully realising how young he was- the Finnish man couldn't be sure, but whatever it was, Emil stepped forwards and let the shorter man embrace him. He stood stiff and unresponsive in his arms, making no attempt to hug him back, until Tino felt the tears dripping onto his shirt and the sobs shaking Emil's thin shoulders.

"What did they mean," Emil whispered, voice thick with grief, "when that doctor said his heart was giving out? Did they-" He swallowed, and pulled back to look Tino in the eye with a desperate gaze. "Did they mean that he's going to die?"

Tino caught his breath, and wondered just how to answer him. They'd all heard the information- Mathias' shrieking had only increased after it- but none of them had breathed a word of its sinister undertones. He would have liked to lie, to pretend that the doctors had been speaking about the current situation, but felt his heart sink at Emil's wide, fearful eyes. He couldn't lie to the boy. He couldn't give him false hope.

"I don't know, Emil." He spoke tentatively, eager to keep the Icelander calm. "I'm not sure what they were talking about. But- but you have to prepare yourself." His violet eyes met Emil's own, and he could see the boy swallow heavily. "Lukas... might not get better. He's very ill. You know that, don't you?"

Emil nodded slowly, and Tino's pity was roused. He knew well enough that Lukas was Emil's only real family. Without thinking he pulled the Icelandic boy back into a hug, trying to offer him some comfort, and this time, felt Emil's arms slowly wrap around his torso.

Silently, Tino was filled with relief at Peter not being present to see what had happened.

A meter away from them, the Dane and Swede were sitting in silence. Mathias was still clutching one of Berwald's arms, holding it like a lifeline, and his cousin was reluctant to pull away from him. Glancing down, he could see Lukas' blood dried into his shirt, the red-brown stains at contrast with the pure white of the hospital gown. Mathias was staring sightlessly at the sheets, his previous hysteria reduced to empty white noise.

"Mathias-"

"I know it's selfish." The Dane cut over him, and his voice was small. "I'm thinking of myself. You know what I like- sometimes, I can be the most self-centred person in the world. But I want him to live. Not just for my sake, either: there's Emil. He needs Lukas too. I know I've only known him a short time, but I love him, Ber." He glanced up at his cousin, eyes shining with tears and his mouth in a wide, humourless smile, meeting Berwald's steady silence. "You know what love is like. You couldn't live without Tino, could you?"

"No," the Swede said quietly, and Mathias closed his eyes briefly. "No, couldn't live without him."

"It's the same for Lukas," he whispered, his free hand tightening into the sheets. "I would live without him, but it wouldn't be living. I'd have to go through each day knowing that the boy I loved died in front of me, and I couldn't do anything for him. It would be hell. I suppose it was stupid of me, wasn't it? Falling in love with someone who was so ill." Mathias tipped his head back, smile empty. "But he's not going to die. I'm not going to let him die. You saw him there- his heart stopped, and he came back. I'm going to do anything I can to make sure he's better. He's not going to die while I'm here."

Berwald's eyes met Tino's, and he could almost feel his partner's distress. One one hand, Emil was in tears, accepting the worst possible outcome, while Mathias was in his own pleasurable delusion. Berwald knew that the Dane refused to believe that Lukas was dying, instead preferring to ignore it and keep his own sanity.

We have to do something. The Swede read Tino's lips, the Finnish man too afraid to speak with Emil in his arms, and Berwald nodded. Tino's mouth twitched in a weak smile, and he gently stroked back Emil's hair with a gesture Berwald had seem him perform hundreds of times on Peter.

"I'm going to make him better, Berwald," Mathias repeated, eyes still closed. "Even if it means giving him my heart. Just you wait and see."

Neither Berwald nor Tino gave him a reply.

Lukas awoke to a dark ward, a new tube feeding into his nose, and his heart more panicked than ever.

For a moment he tried to assess his bearings, breathing quick and harried. His surroundings were dimly lit, and the fog in his mind told him that it had to be late at night, or very early morning. As his fingers flexed- their mobility stiff, muscles aching- he raised a shaking hand to his face, fingers dancing along the new tube as he tried to stay calm. His mind conjured up a black blur for the past few hours, and he started when he saw a figure kneeling by his bedside, head resting on his leg.

Who knows how long Mathias had been beside him, let alone asleep. The Danish boy's hair was flat, as if he had been running his fingers through it repeatedly, and his eyebrows were pulled together in a frown. It couldn't have been the most comfortable position to sleep it, especially given the bed beside him. With a jolt, Lukas realised that Mathias had disregarded these in favour of being by his side.

It was a fit of coughing that dragged him from his thoughts, and the Norwegian doubled over as he gasped for breath. His chest felt as though it was on fire but he froze, horrified, at the sight of the blood spattering onto the bedsheets as he retched-

"Lukas!" Mathias had awoken from his slumber, eyes wide, and he scrambled to his feet. The blond gripped his shoulders as he continued hacking and choking, pressing him forwards to prevent the blood from going back down his throat. Lukas clung to him, eyes filling with tears that were a mixture of both humiliation and pain, and Mathias whispered soothing words in his ear until the desperate fit was over.

"It's okay, Lukas. I'm here. Just take deep breaths, okay?" Blood was still trickling down his chin, and the Danish boy wiped it away with his fingers as he held a glass to Lukas' lips. He accepted it, but almost immediately spat out his mouthful of water. "Hey, what the hell-?"

"Tasted like blood," Lukas muttered, throat aching and voice raspy. "Couldn't swallow it." He wasn't quite able to meet Mathias' eyes. He knew that, if he glanced up, he would see the fear hidden behind his false hope. If Mathias wanted to convince anyone, he'd have to work on his prosthetic smile.

The Dane took a seat beside him on the bed, reaching over to take his hand. It was just about the only thing he could reach, Lukas noted dully- there was the tube kept taped to his face, various IV lines and wires to the heart monitor all obstructing his way, and there was a new wariness about Mathias. Gone was clambering into his bed and enveloping him in a tight hug. As well as the physical barrier, the other blond seemed hesitant to even handle him, as if Lukas was a china doll that could break at any moment.

"It stopped, didn't it?" Mathias glanced up at Lukas' bleak tone, at his lowered head and frightened eyes. "My heart stopped. I'm right, aren't I?" he added, picking up on the Dane's uncomfortable demeanour. "It stopped. It stopped again."

Mathias looked as though he wouldn't answer, but was alarmed at the sudden fear in Lukas' voice. There was no real way he would lie to him- sadly, he couldn't go against his love for the Norwegian, or the resulting fury that would come of Lukas discovering his deception. He was slow to respond, rubbing the back of one hand with the other and focusing his eyes on the back wall.

"...Yeah. It stopped."

Lukas let out a shrill gasp of a laugh. Mathias glanced up, alarmed, to see Lukas doubled over and shaking with mirth. The Norwegian spoke before he could, head bent and tears rolling down his cheeks. "Three times. Three times my heart's stopped. And I'm still here, still kicking around and unable to actually fucking die."

"Lukas-"

"The first time was my exam." Lukas spoke in a breathy rush, as if desperate to recount the facts to himself. "That was when I was admitted to hospital. That was when I found out I had arrhythmia. The second time- that was when you were pissing me off, right after we first met, when we were in the hospital. And it's happened again." He raised his head, the fear in his eyes contrasting with his wide, unsteady smile. "When's going to be the last time? When are they going to stop bringing me back?"

"Never," Mathias snapped, unsurprising to them both. "They're not going to stop until you're healthy again." His hand tightened, and the blond winced at his fingers crushing his bony hand. When Mathias spoke again, he tried to keep his voice steadier than before. "You just have to stay calm, Luke."

"My name is Lukas!" Sudden fury had overtaken the Norwegian, triggered by his panic and grief. "How the hell am I supposed to stay calm? I'm going to die!" Mathias looked taken aback, and Lukas scowled at him. "You know it's true, don't you? I'm going to die. I'm going to die." His voice broke off in a gasp, and he pressed a hand to his chest.

"You don't know that." Of the two, the Dane was attempting to be the one grasping at the straws for a calm atmosphere. "You're going to get better-"

"How? The surgery didn't work the first time round. I doubt it'll work a second. These damn drugs are doing nothing for me, and my heart- this thing that's trying to kill me- it's faster every day, and it keeps getting faster. I'm going to die, and no pretty words are going to hide it." His eyes filled with tears again, and he rubbed a sleeve impatiently across his face. "What's going to happen to Emil? He can't look after himself- I'm his only real family! I can't just leave him!" His voice broke, and Lukas' next words came out in a sob. "I can't leave you."

"You're not going to leave me." Voice still eerily calm, Mathias struggled to keep his composure as his hands tightened into fists. "If you did, you'd be the third person in my life to leave me. It's happened twice before, and I'm never going to let it happen again. There's a difference between something stupid like a break up and one of us dying. I love you more than anyone, Lukas, but I'd rather you lived. You're not going to die as long as I live. As long as I'm here, you're going to get better. And I've got a good fifty, sixty years ahead of me, and I intend to spend them with you."

"Mathias, you don't know that. I could be dead in a week. How many times did they have to shock me?" The Dane didn't reply, and Lukas' misery only grew further. "Tell me. How many-"

"Five," Mathias spat, tangling his hands in his hair as he tried to control his breathing. "It took five times to bring you back. They did it here, right in front of us. Oh God, Lukas, Emil was crying, he was crying his eyes out, and Tino was trying to comfort him. It was hell. Right in front of me, seeing you clinically dead, I knew what hell was. It was horrendous, and then they took you, and when you got back- I knew couldn't be away from you again. You've made me fall in love with you, Lukas, and it was both the best and worst decision of my life."

"You idiot. You insufferable, absolute idiot." Lukas' eyes slid closed, one hand rubbing his forehead as exhaled deeply. "You go and fall in love with someone seriously ill in hospital. Too right it was the worst decision of your life."

"It was the worst decision," Mathias said quietly, new calm gained, "because I'd have a fear in the back of my mind that you'd get worse, and one day, I might have to face up to a possibility of you getting really sick. But it was the best because I met you. I fell in love with an intriguing, beautiful creature, who convinced me that life didn't really suck after all. And someone I'd be able to help get better." He raised his head, and Lukas could now see his usual arrogant, proud smile. "I'll tell you again- as long as I'm here, you're going to be okay."

"You're a bastard," Lukas whispered, eyes slits of pain. With difficulty, mindful of his wires, he reached forwards and buried his face into Mathias' chest. "You deserve better than me. You deserve much better."

"I don't want better," he said simply, and leaned down to press a kiss to the Norwegian's lips.

Of course, things were never going to be able to stay so peaceful.

Mathias was abruptly woken the next day by the arrival of their doctor, who requested to speak to Lukas alone. It wasn't a request in practice- Lukas, now reliant on a wheelchair, was taken from the room before he could argue, the fear visible in his eyes. The Dane was left to sulk and worry in their ward for half an hour, and eventually fell asleep. He wasn't quite sure how he was able to, given the concern for Lukas wired into his brain, but thankfully avoided any nightmares of the Norwegian dying.

When he woke up, it was to the tears dripping on his face, smooth fingers running robotically through his hair. Frozen in his position, head on Lukas' lap, he glanced up to see the Norwegian staring down at him. His mouth was set in a tight line, a gesture that didn't reassure him in the slightest.

"You've been asleep for ages." His voice was an undertone, and Mathias swallowed. Something was wrong, very wrong, for Lukas to be acting in this way. He reached up and tentatively wiped away a tear with his thumb, the other blond minimally leaning into his touch.

"I was worried. Just fell asleep, I guess." Lukas gave a tiny snort, and Mathias pressed on. "What's wrong? Tell me." At Lukas' silence, he reached up and pulled him down, brushing his lips across his forehead. "Please, Lukas. I'm here. You can talk to me."

"I know." More tears were running down Lukas' face, yet he still wore his frozen mask. "I'm just sad."

"About what?"

"About dying."

His words hung in the air, as heavy as lead. The atmosphere couldn't have been tenser, Lukas' tears falling thick and fast, but Mathias was still trying to decipher his words. There must be a mistake. He'd taken any of the doctors words too true to heart, surely. The boy above him was breaking down, yet Mathias remained silent. He was exaggerating. The Norwegian seemed prone to it, whenever anything went slightly wrong.

"You're not dying."

"Yes, Mathias, I am." Lukas took in a shuddering breath, thin form shaking. "I'm going to die. I don't know when, but it's pretty much decided. And now I'm trying to work out what's going to happen when I'm gone. Who will look after the house. Who will keep an eye on Emil. Who will remember to pay the electricity bill every month."

"Stop being melodramatic, Luke." The weak humour in his voice faded at one look at Lukas. His deadened, defeated eyes gave way to something more serious than a dramatic joke.

"My ventricles are breaking down. The ablation surgery didn't work- if anything, it made my heart decline even further . My heart beats, at worst, nearly a hundred times a minute. You know what the doctor said?" Lukas leaned back, staring skywards, the tears drying as a smile played around the corners of his mouth. "He said it sounded as if my heart was humming. So fast it's humming- you know what he called me? He called me a hummingbird. Those little birds live for a few years, then die when they're still young- like me. My heart's going to kill me. It's shutting down, Mathias- they're looking into other treatment options. There could be a miracle. They could find a pacemaker somewhere and see if I would survive surgery for it. It's all the same bullshit. I'm going to die anyway." Lukas broke off in a gasping laugh, eyes watering. "It feels strangely pleasing to say it and know it's true."

"No. No. It isn't going to happen." Mathias pulled away from him, shaking his head resolutely Lukas watched him, chest aching with something other than his disease, as the Dane clutched at his hair with both hands. "You're not going to die."

"Mathias-"

"You're not," Mathias choked, burying his face in his hands. As Lukas remained in his position, eyes focused on the ground, Mathias took deep, steadying breaths in an attempt to stay calm. "Lukas, please don't. You're not going to die."

As if in response, Lukas slowly took a tissue from the pocket of his hospital gown and held it up to show Mathias the blood spatters covering it.

"I am going to die," he said calmly, emphasizing his words with a steady gaze only blighted by the tears he tried to hold back. "My heart's going to fail, and I'm going to die in this hospital. I- I'm sorry, Mathias. You really should have fallen in love with someone that had a healthy heart, because mine is going to give up on me, unless there is some ridiculous miracle like they suggested." His voice shook, but he pressed ahead again. "I'm sorry. If there's one thing I didn't want to do, it was to hurt you."

"I would have thought your first priority was to not die." Mathias seemed close to tears, alarming the Norwegian, but the Danish boy raised his head with a strangely blank look present. "I'm not going to let it happen. I've said it over and over again, but it's true. You'll live, Lukas. You're going to live."

Lukas stared at him for one long moment, gaze pitying. Then he rolled over in bed, his back facing the Dane, and trailed fingers along the line in his nose.

"I'm going to try and sleep. My head hurts."

He made no complaint when Mathias, after several minutes hesitation, pressed his body against his own thin one and hooked an arm around his waist. The Dane silently offered both heat and support while he took some comfort in the Norwegian actually being in his arms.

On the first day after that, he began coughing up copious amounts of blood again. It wasn't explained very well, probably to keep them calm- the vague reasoning was that blood was somehow ending up in a position that it could drip from his mouth- and Mathias offered to do the nurses' job himself. Two o'clock found him dutifully wiping the blood from around Lukas' mouth and chest and holding him while he shook from the cold his body produced.

On the second day, Lukas continually vomited and was physically unable to keep any food down for the entirety of the day. His weight marked at ninety-six pounds, the doctors could think of nothing to do but water down the liquid in his feeding tube, and Mathias held him through the pain of it being reinserted.

On the third day, Berwald had to leave the ward after Emil broke down, the Icelandic boy sobbing onto his brother's shoulder and telling him that he loved him. Tino averted his eyes, irrational shame present on his features as Lukas stroked Emil's back in smooth, comforting movements, pressing a kiss to Emil's forehead and telling him that he loved him, too.

On the fourth day, the doctors came with the news that a pacemaker may become available, but they would have to wait until they were certain Lukas would survive the surgery. Tino had become furious and insisted that Lukas needed it as soon as possible, and had to be escorted from the hospital premises because of his refusal to sit back and be quiet.

On the fifth day, after watching Lukas staring at the ceiling, tears running down the pale face, Mathias had had enough.

"Lukas, wake up." Someone was shaking him, trying to be gentle yet failing with their urgency, and Lukas cracked one eye open with a disgruntled frown. Through the gloom he could see Mathias, the boy frantically trying to waken him and seemingly fully dressed already.

"What do you want?" The Norwegian couldn't hide his irritated tone, voice weak. It was- what, three in the morning? What the hell did that idiot want? Mathias only grimaced, giving his arm another tug. His regulation hospital gown had been discarded in favour of actual jeans and a shirt, and Lukas' confusion only grew at the sight of him.

"You need to get up. Come on, you need to hurry- don't make a fuss, otherwise the nurses will come running. Believe me, that's the worst thing that could happen." Obediently, Lukas sat up in bed, tiredness resounding through his bones as he watched Mathias bustle about. Even as he watched, the Dane was packing a bag, hunting through his bedside cabinet for things to throw in. Sliding his fairy tale book into the bag, he noticed Lukas was awake and tossed him a pair of trousers and jumper.

"Change into those. Wait a second- no, let me help you." Dropping the bag, Mathias instead reached over to the monitors by Lukas' bedside. The Norwegian watched, amazed, as he first unplugged the switches and then pulled the lines from his body with deliberate care. "If you pull them out before switching them off, the nurses will hear. We're got to be quiet, Lukas. Can you get the rest of the tubes and wires out yourself?"

"Probably- but why?" Lukas whined, reluctant to get up at such a time. "How early is it?"

"Five in the morning," Mathias replied tersely, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Come on- the next shift starts at half five, and we need to be out of here before then. You can walk, right? A wheelchair will just slow us down-" He thought for a moment, then sighed heavily. "I'll carry you if I have to. Get changed."

"You-" Lukas glanced down at the clothes in his hands, frowning. These were his clothes, ones he'd left behind when he was admitted into hospital- he looked up at Mathias, stunned. "You're planning on leaving here, aren't you? You're- we're- going to leave the hospital?"

"That's the general idea." Under normal circumstances the Dane would have looked smug, yet the tired frown etched into his face showed no signs of humour. That was when Lukas realised that he was serious, and that they were actually leaving. "Don't look so worried. I have your medication, phone, the hospital on speed dial; we just have to get out to begin with, and time isn't our friend."

"You're an idiot." Under Mathias' glare, the Norwegian quickly dressed, movements unsteady with his lack of exercise. His companion winced at the sight of his protruding ribcage and narrow waist, and Lukas hastily pulled his jumper over to cover them. "Why on earth are you doing this? It's so risky, not to mention ridiculous-"

"It's for you." Mathias' quiet, honest voice had him suddenly humbled, humiliated even, and Lukas fixed a wary gaze on him. "Things have been shit for you recently. I thought that if I could get you out of here that you'd be happier, even just for a little while. I can't risk more than a day, but it's all I'm gonna need. Do you want to?"

"Have you even planned this?" Lukas tried to keep the misery from his tone, and Mathias smiled slightly.

"Tino and Berwald are waiting outside. Emil should be with them- he's the one that got me the clothes for you. We need to go past the nurses office- the ones who work night shift usually watch reruns of Jerry Springer right around now. There's a fire exit we can leave by, since security would jump on us if we used the reception. You're coming to my house for the day. Berwald's been practising his poker face for if the hospital come round calling: not that he needs to, but just in case." Mathias bit his lip, looking hopeful. "Are you up for it?"

Lukas was silent for a moment, contemplating. Even he knew that it wasn't a good idea to up and leave when he was in such a condition. Yet the blank, sparse walls around him were making him no better, and even he had gone through the dream of escaping once or twice. His gaze drifted to Mathias, the Dane's arm extended out towards him in an inviting gesture.

After a brief hesitation, the Norwegian reached out and took his hand.

It took them a good fifteen minutes to take a five minute walk, Lukas being almost dragged along by Mathias as the Dane urged him to keep going. He seemed eager to leave as soon as possible, while Lukas stopped for breath every few minutes, leaning against a wall while Mathias' nerves were reduced to shreds. They were nearly caught once, and Lukas covered Mathias' mouth with a hand until the nurse passed by in the next corridor. It would be clear to anyone, medically trained or not, that the two weren't supposed to be out bed, let alone leaving at such a time. Despite their clothes, Lukas' hung from his thin frame, and his skin had a deathly pale pallor.

They both breathed a sigh of relief when they finally reached the fire exit, stumbling into the freezing morning air. Their breath frosted before them, and Mathias tugged the Norwegian towards the waiting car, the headlights illuminating the darkness as Emil got out. Worry was written across his face as he approached them, and after giving Lukas a brief, surprising hug, helped him into the back seat. Tino turned from the front seat, his violet eyes wide as he spoke.

"Are you okay? No one noticed you leaving, did they?"

"No," Mathias replied, hooking an arm around Lukas and pulling him close, to his protests, "but we'd better leave already. They're going to notice we're missing before long and raise the alarm, and I'd really rather spend the day at home than getting yelled at. I guess Berwald's at home?"

"Well, we'd hardly leave Peter by himself. Anyway, I'm the faster driver. Just hang in there!" Tino grinned, turning around again and starting the car. Lukas was sandwiched between his brother and Mathias, head resting on the Dane's chest while a hand soothingly ran the length of his back, tracing the curve of his spine. Emil reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, his lips twitching into a smile.

"I knew Tino was coming to pick me up, but I didn't realise that it was going to be so early."

"So you all knew about this, and I was the last to find out?" Lukas' tone was irritated, but Mathias seemed unfazed. "And what would have happened if I decided not to leave?"

"We knew you'd want to." Now that they were out of the hospital, Mathias appeared to be more cheerful with the Norwegian securely in his arms. "Would you have wanted to stay in hospital? Come on, Luke, I know you. Wait until you see my room!"

Lukas' only response was a snort and weak punch at the broad chest, and his eyes slid closed to the sound of the blond's soft laugh.

It soon became clear that he'd have to cling to Mathias, as Tino drove like a maniac. He may have been the faster driver, yet Lukas couldn't help but wish Berwald- who seemed calmer in practice than his partner- had been the one to pick them up. The Swede was waiting for them when they arrived, fully dressed yet exhausted. This might have been because of Peter bouncing on his lap, talking at a mile a minute despite it being nearly six in the morning. Mathias had been helping Lukas into the house, but yelped and nearly dropped him at the child running into him and wrapping his arms around his knees. Tino laughed, bypassing them to kiss Berwald, and Emil disappeared in the direction of the kitchen without another word.

"You're home!" Peter craned his neck to look up at Mathias, face full of excitement. "You've been away forever!" As Mathias leaned down to ruffle his hair, grinning broadly, Peter seemed to notice Lukas for the first time. "Why's your friend with you? Did you both leave the hospital? Did you run away? Are the police looking for you?"

"Nothing like that, kiddo. I'm only here for today. But you're going to have to let go; I've got to help Lukas, okay? He's still sick, so I have to look after him." Despite his whine, Peter reluctantly let go of Mathias, and the Dane readjusted his grip on the Norwegian. "Come on, come upstairs- you can get a sit down while you're there."

"I'm not completely dependent on you, you know. I can walk myself." Lukas' voice was stern, but his knees almost buckled on the stairs. He scowled at Mathias' unamused expression, but let the other blond take his arm again. "I don't get it. How come my heart means I can't walk?"

"Basic high school biology class, Lukas. Your bad heart has been affecting other parts of your body, your low weight has been making your bones and muscles weak... hey, I had to pass the subject somehow." Mathias flashed him an arrogant smile as they reached the top of the stairs, and pushed open the first door on the left. "My humble abode- hey, Hamlet! I've missed you, boy!"

As Mathias was distracted by the large cat meowing for attention, Lukas took the opportunity to glance around the room. He'd expected the Dane to have a messy bedroom, yet the room seemed fairly neat- either Mathias had another hidden trait, or one of his guardians had tidied in his absence. The Norwegian stepped over to the bed and sat down heavily, fingers running over the red stitching, and Mathias soon sat by his side, leaning back and sighing heavily.

"It's good to be out of there, right? I swear, I could die happy right here, back in my own bed..." He reached over to tug at Lukas' arm, and he slid down in bed until he was pressed against Mathias' side, head tucked under his chin. Fingers running through the pale hair, the Dane spoke up again. "I love you, Lukas."

"You might have mentioned that once or twice." Lukas wrapped an arm around the Dane's waist, eyes closing against his will. "It's too early. Be my pillow while I sleep, all right?"

"Lu-kas, no fair!" Mathias whined, sounding like a petulant child as he shifted on the bed. "You were supposed to spend the day with me, not sleep! You sleep for like twelve hours at the hospital anyway!" He fell silent at Lukas' lack of reply, his chest rising and falling with rhythmic breaths. The blond sighed again, reaching over to grab a blanket and wrapped it around them. He might have been annoyed, but he wasn't prepared to wake the Norwegian up, both due to sympathy and the fear of Lukas attacking him. Mathias settled back the headboard, humming to himself as he let Lukas sleep against him.

If it made the Norwegian happy, who was he to stop him?

It became clear several hours later, to no real surprise from Lukas, that Mathias hadn't exactly planned anything to do for the day. "Hey, the whole thing was sneaking you out of the hospital, not writing a damn list," he said, rolling his eyes and pushing Lukas' hair out of his eyes. "What do you want to do? And don't you dare say sleep, because I'm not going to let you do that, unless it involves having sex."

The Norwegian simply blinked at him, taken aback. "That escalated quickly. You know that people's heart rate usually increases while they're having sex?" He continued at Mathias' nod, rolling onto his back with a smirk tugging at his thin lips. "My heart's beating too fast as it is. Chances are, you'd kill me if we had sex. Do you really want that on your conscious?" He didn't expect Mathias to actually pause and think for a moment, before shooting him a sly grin.

"Just another thing to look forward to for when you get better, then." He leaned over and kissed his cheek, fingers brushing along his cheek. Lukas wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down to his level, deepening their kiss as a hand trailed along his abdomen. To the Dane's disappointment, any more developments were cut off by Emil walking in unannounced, trying his hardest to avoid looking at the two as he spoke.

"The hospital called. They noticed you were missing." His voice was casual, but Lukas pulled away from Mathias with a wary expression. "It's okay, though- Tino took the phone and pretended to cry and panic that you were gone, so they just apologised for losing you and promised to keep an eye out for if either of you returned. They think you left voluntarily, and it looks like they're blaming Mathias... I guess they won't show up here, then."

Mathias decided that the best response to this news was to grab Lukas and begin kissing him again, and Emil quickly left with his cheeks flaming. After a moment, Lukas pulled back with a scowl. "Can we do something more than kissing? No, not that- I don't know you all that well. You could be a serial killer for all I know, especially since you've lured me to your house. Tell me a little more about yourself, Mathias."

"Oh. Well, okay." Seemingly surprised, Mathias sat back with Lukas' head once again resting on his shoulder. "What do you want to know?" From his words, Lukas could get that he wasn't into the whole talking-about-his-feelings crap.

"Your favourite colour. Favourite food. Things about yourself. Best memory. Interests. All that emotional crap people usually come out with."

"I wouldn't expect you to be interested in those type of things," the Dane replied, grinning and pressing a brief kiss to his cheek. "My favourite colour's red, obviously. I like just about any type of meat. I'm failing Chemistry, my best subject is History, I'm on the school football team- well, occasionally, depending on how my heart is. I'm tone deaf, according to the school music teacher and Berwald. I like reading in my spare time, but I usually don't tell the guys in school, because... well, they all think it's kind of stupid. I have a reputation to keep, y'know? I'm pretty sure some of the nerds at school have noticed me sitting in the library, but they probably think I'm looking at picture books and can't actually read." Lukas laughed suddenly, surprising himself, and Mathias appeared to be pleased. "Oh, and my best memory's the time Berwald first brought Peter home."

"Really?" Lukas glanced up at him, finding himself smiling. "Tell me about it." Mathias complied, arms tightening around him as he thought aloud.

"Well... it was, what, like five years ago? Berwald got his high school girlfriend pregnant- yes, Berwald- and convinced her to keep the kid if he could look after it. He got a job in his dad's company and didn't sleep for about a month making a baby crib, and all I remember is that he worked constantly to make enough money to look after a kid. It was the second of September, and he phoned my mother to tell her that he had a son, and he'd bring him round that week. This was before he met Tino- he'd saved up to get a house by himself, and before you ask, I've no idea how he did it. But, seriously, he turned up with this little baby a few days later, and it was so goddamn sweet, Lukas. Yeah, I'll say it," he added, nudging him playfully at the Norwegian's snort, "it was sweet. Wouldn't let any of us hold him, and wouldn't put him down. Seems like he didn't trust me with his son. It wasn't the best circumstances, but he really loves him. It helped that Tino was Peter's babysitter, too."

"It's a nice story," Lukas commented, nestling closer to him. "I didn't expect you to say something like that. You've got a hidden side, Mathias."

"Please, I'm always nice. Now it's your turn. I've shown you my heart, now show me yours."

"Really?" The Norwegian grimaced as Mathias laughed, then gave a heavy sigh. "Fine. My favourite colour is blue. I like fish. I'm not failing any of my subjects. I'm not tone deaf. I play the violin. I'm in the school orchestra. My best memory is the time Emil threw a temper tantrum when our mother wouldn't let him take Mr Puffin out with us. She decided to take us shopping- I've no idea why she brought us along- Emil was about six, and he'd just gotten the puffin. I don't particularly like the bird, but he started crying when she tried to make him leave it in the house, so I joined in until she gave up and let him bring it. Believe me, seeing him freak out was hilarious in hindsight."

"You, crying so Emil would get his way? God, you love that kid." Mathias' soft breaths were tickling his neck, and he tightened his arms around him. "Cute, though. I wouldn't expect to see Emil throw a tantrum. Was it funny?"

"Very. Anything else you want to interrogate me with?"

"Uh..." The Dane thought for a moment, brow furrowed. "Are you opposed to the thought of having any children?"

Lukas blinked slowly, taking in his words and then frowning. "Is this a serious suggestion that you want children with me? No wonder you're failing science- I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but men can't have children together, and I've only known you-"

"Yeah, yeah, we've been through this before," the Dane interrupted, waving his words off indifferently. "And duh, I'm not that much of an idiot. I meant adopting in the future. We could raise a little Mathias Junior, and he'd be the greatest kid with the best parents... wait, are there any names for girls you like? 'Cause a girl would be good too- I could build her a Lego princess castle, and have tea parties with her, and buy her all the nicest dresses... whatever, I want a few. Sounds good, right?"

"You've put way too much thought into this," Lukas deadpanned, shaking his head in wonderment. He'd only met him weeks ago, and here he was, planning future children. "I think one of you is quite enough to handle. No, thank you."

"But you obviously liked Emil when he was a kid." Mathias was pouting, a sure sign he was irritated with the Norwegian for not getting his way. "If you loved your little brother, why not your own child?"

"Because Emil is quiet and well behaved. I'm not prepared to look after a version of you that cries more and causes even more trouble. At least you can take care of yourself, though that can be debated."

"Fine then. I'll just look for a kid that's a little version of Emil. You can't complain then!" Mathias appeared to ignore most of his words, and Lukas sighed heavily. "I'll persuade you some other time. There's something else, too. Do you love me?"

Lukas rolled his eyes at Mathias' soft, earnest words. "We've been through this a few times too, Mathias."

"Yeah, but I want to you say something about it." It should have been illegal for the Dane to be pressing kisses along his neck while he spoke, because he was clearly trying to change Lukas' judgement while he was distracted. It was working, too.

"I love you. I'm not in love with you, but I love you as more than a friend. Are you happy now?" Lukas' voice was faintly irritated, but he made no move to pull away from his caresses.

Mathias was silent for a long moment, then moved to cup Lukas' face in his hands as he drew him into a kiss. "Very."

Barely an hour later, Mathias had to hold Lukas over the sink after he began coughing again, and it was obvious to both of them that he was getting worse. The blood splatters covering the white enamel after twenty minutes straight of gasping for breath were proof of that. The Norwegian shrugged off the concerns of the others and insisted that he only needed to lie down for a while, and Mathias dutifully obeyed his wishes, just relieved that Lukas had accepted taking his medication.

As morning stretched into afternoon, the rest of the day mainly consisted of Mathias reading to him, and Lukas trying to decipher the Dane's mood decreasing from his previous delight to a more melancholy, depressed state. Everything culminated later that afternoon, with Lukas motionless and curled into Mathias' figure while he read in a slow, hesitant tone.

"Then it joined in the song of the angels, who surrounded the throne- some near, and others in a distant circle, but all equally happy..." Mathias had been struggling to make his way through The Angel, occasionally stopping to swallow and take a deep breath before continuing. His calloused fingers brushed through Lukas' hair and despite his overwhelming exhaustion, the Norwegian fought to stay awake. He couldn't sleep again. Not today. Not here with Mathias, with the Dane trying so hard to make him happy. It was clear to see Mathias' efforts to give him a peaceful day, his fight to make his way through the book, while his composure was so plainly breaking down.

"They all joined in the chorus of praise, both great and small- the good, happy child, and the poor field-flower, that once lay withered and cast away on a heap of rubbish in a narrow, dark street-" Lukas flinched as a droplet of water hit his face and glanced up at Mathias in alarm. His eyes widened to see the tears running silently down the Dane's face, and the soundless sobs racking his frame.

It was the first time Lukas had seen him cry, and the first time he had seen Mathias look so vulnerable.

"Mathias, what is it? What's wrong?" At his concerned tone the Dane dragged a hand carelessly under his eyes, shaking his head.

"You pick all the sad ones. Kids dying- really, Lukas?" Mathias attempted a smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. It was all too easy to see the misery hiding behind it. "You could have picked something- I don't know, happier?"

"Most everything Hans Christian Andersen writes is sad." Lukas rolled his eyes in exasperation at Mathias' words, but he felt his stomach twist painfully. "And what's the point in reading something happy? It's not- well. It's not really reflecting how things are at the moment." The shake in his voice was clear to both of them, and Lukas swallowed heavily before continuing. "We both keep talking about when I get better, but we don't talk about me not getting better.

"It could happen. I've been getting worse, and we both know it, even if you don't want to talk about it. It's basically inevitable now. Mathias, I could, and am probably going to die." His breathing quickened, and Lukas pressed a hand to his chest as he felt his heart pound. He was interrupted by Mathias placing a hand to the side of his face, fingertips digging into his cheek.

"For all you've said about it, you still don't seem to realise that Emil isn't the only one you'd leave behind, Lukas." Sky-blue eyes roved over the Norwegian's face as Mathias gripped his face in both, forcing Lukas to meet his gaze. His eyes still red, Lukas caught his breath at the determination written into the Dane's expression. "If you died, you'd leave Tino, Berwald- and me. I'd lose you too. I don't want to lose you. I'm going to help you get better, I swear. I'll do anything I can to make you well again."

"You can't work miracles, Mathias," Lukas whispered, gripping the Danish man's wrists and looking him in the eye. "You can't make me better just by wishing it to happen. I know you want to, but you can't do anything to make me better."

His words finally seemed to have their effect on Mathias, and the blond's face crumpled as the full magnitude of the situation hit him. Lukas reached up just as Mathias drew him into a bone-crushing hug, arms locked around him and sobbing onto the Norse man's shoulder. Lukas felt his composure slip as he grasped Mathias' shirt, burying his face into his neck.

For several minutes the two remained in their position; Mathias' grief pouring from him in gasps and sobs while Lukas remained silent, letting his tears run quiet oil slicks down his cheeks. The Norwegian held so close to the Dane that their chests were pressed together- one improving heart beating alongside a failing one, the most unfair of occurrences. They should both be healthy, both full of health and vitality and life-

"I'll make you better," Mathias whispered, the words ghosting over his skin. "I promise you, I'll make you better. You're going to get better, Lukas, you're going to get better, I promise- you're not going to die, I won't let you die-"

"I'll try." Exhaling heavily, Lukas pressed his face into the soft flesh of Mathias' neck. "I'll try, for you. For Emil, for Tino, for Berwald- I'll try and get better. I'll do it for you."

"Good." Drawing back, the Norwegian could see Mathias' mouth shaking. "You do that. I wasn't planning on letting you do anything other than that." Pulling him close again the two remained clinging to each other, Lukas' frail arms around Mathias' neck as silent tears slid down the Dane's face. They remained that way, Mathias pressing kisses to Lukas' forehead and wiping away his tears, until the Norwegian spoke again.

"The Ugly Duckling."

"What?" Lukas raised his gaze to meet Mathias' confused expression, tears swimming behind the blue eyes as he whispered his next words.

"Everything turns out okay in that one. He lives happily ever after."

Mathias stared down at him for a few moments, speechless. Then he gave a stiff nod, opening the book and flicking to the chapter with his mouth a firm line of determined composure. Lukas remained clinging to him, drawn close to the broad chest with one of the Dane's arms tight around him and his still hooked around Mathias' neck. He settled his head back, ear pressed to Mathias' chest as the blond began reading again; listening to his heart, and pleading his own better.

"He doesn't look well, Mathias." Tino peered anxiously at Lukas, clearly fretting over his appearance. The Norwegian was leaning into Mathias' side at the dinner table, the Dane's arm wrapped around him as he struggled to keep upright. His concentration was dwindling as his breathing grew steadily more raspy- he didn't need to look through Tino's eyes to know how ill he must have appeared, and even more so than usual. He pitied Tino having gone to the effort to make them dinner because, right now, it seemed as if he'd have to leave before it was even served. It was obvious to them all that he was going to have to back before long.

"I know," Mathias hissed to the Finn, tightening his arm around Lukas protectively. "He's been out for twelve hours. I've given him his medication, it should keep him going for a while longer-"

"How are you feeling?" Tino cut over Mathias, his tone full of concern as he eyed the blond sceptically "You're going to have to go back soon, both of you. You insist that you're fine but you're ill too, Mathias." The Dane scoffed at his words, while Emil leaned over to brushed back Lukas' hair in a worried fashion. Tino added, "You're both unwell, and we all know today was risky- we should get Lukas back before he gets any worse-"

"God, just shut up about it!" His bark made them all jump, Lukas' eyes cracking open to see Mathias scowling at Tino. "I know I was taking a risk taking him out, but he's really sick, Tino, and I wanted to make him happy. You know how depressing it is stuck in that hospital, with the whole place stinking like bleach when they try to cover the smell of decay? He's been miserable, and I couldn't stand seeing him so upset. I wanted to give Lukas one good day, while-" Breaking off, it was apparent that Mathias couldn't form the words, and trailed off in a pathetic whisper instead. "Before he gets better properly." The Dane lowered his head, eyes screwing shut as Berwald shrugged away from the counter, moving to pat Tino's shoulder in a comforting manner.

"Ah'll take 'em back. Better get back b'fore they get worse." The Finn nodded absently at his words, reaching up to stroke Berwald's cheek robotically. The Swede extended a hand to Mathias and after a moment of glaring at him, Mathias took his hand reluctantly, pulling Lukas along with him. Lukas remained clinging to him for support, his legs feeling as heavy and unresponsive as lead. Beside him, Emil grasped his free arm, offering help to Lukas if needed. Sandwiched between the two Lukas was able to make it out to Berwald's car, and Tino came out to say goodbye as he nestled in the back seat, back pressed to Mathias' chest with the Dane's arms wrapped around his abdomen.

"I'm glad you made it out today, Lukas." Tino swallowed, apparently considering what to say next. "Just... just try and get better, all right? We're all waiting on you. When you leave hospital- and hopefully well next time- I'll have some salted liquorice for you!" Attempting a smile, Tino leant forwards and kissed Lukas' cheek lightly, making the corners of his lips twist up. "Please get better, Lukas. For us."

"I'll try," Lukas whispered, summoning up the strength to give Tino a small smile. "I'll see you soon, Tino. Thank you for today."

"Think nothing of it. It's all we could do for you." Voice warm, Tino stepped back and shut the car door, evidently trying to keep himself cheerful.

"We'll be there soon," Mathias whispered, one hand moving to grasp hold of Lukas' as he pressed a kiss to the other boy's head. "I know you don't want to go back, but I don't want you to get any worse. I can't let you get any worse."

"I know," Lukas said tiredly, tightening his hand around the blond's, "you've said so several times. But Mathias... thank you for today. I-" He took a steadying breath, then continued in a trembling voice. "I didn't think anyone would ever care about me so much."

"Why would you think that?" Mathias' tone was lightly teasing, his grip on the Norwegian tight and secure. "You're perfect, Lukas."

"I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect."

"Maybe not. But in my eyes you are, and that's the most important part to me."

Lukas' response was letting his head fall back onto Mathias' shoulder and pressing a kiss to his collarbone, before twisting and pushing himself securely against the other boy's body. Mathias' eyes met Emil's over his head, and the Icelandic boy bit his lip as he turned to stare out of the window.

Berwald dropped them off just outside the hospital entrance, so that it wouldn't be obvious where they had been. Emil seemed reluctant to leave them behind, yet merely told his brother that he'd see him tomorrow. This was acceptable enough- Lukas had barely seen him that day, but guessed that Emil was struggling with the new breakdown in his condition. Helped along by Mathias, they made it into the reception, and were nearly deafened by the nurses when their arrival was noticed.

As Mathias had previously predicted, they were given the dull talk of how-could-you-leave-especially-in-your-condition, and both promised to remain in the hospital under released by a medical team. The Dane's mood seemed to have decreased again, and later that night, an irate nurse sitting outside their ward after reattaching their wires and monitors, spoke into the darkness.

"They're probably going to move us." Mathias' voice was a pained whisper, his eyes tightly closed and figure still on the bed. "The nurses. They won't want it happening again, so they'll move one of us. It's going to be me- I was the one who instigated it, and they won't want-"

"-my heart to get worse," Lukas finished, voice low. He'd been given the expression, too- the staff had all watched them warily, clearly noticing that they didn't have the usual relationship between patients. "I could always threaten to take out out my lines. They'll want to hold off me dying, and they'd only get upset if I bled to death." Mathias gave a strange noise, somewhere between a snort of laughter and a sob, and Lukas tried to pull himself into a sitting position at the sound. "I'll come over-"

"Don't," Mathias said immediately, cutting the Norwegian off from his attempts, "I'll come to you. You can't take them out, Lukas, not for me. I've done enough harm to you today." It wasn't with his usual precision that Mathias pulled his IV out, giving a harsh sound of pain as he did so, but in seconds he was by Lukas' side. He shifted over as the other blond clambered into bed, and the Dane seemed almost too afraid to touch him, too afraid to shatter his fragile form.

"You can touch me, you know." Mathias meet his eyes at his quiet voice, Lukas' dark blue eyes focused on him. "I'm not going to break if you touch me."

"Really?" he said hollowly, one hand reaching out to tentatively stroke his face. "You were small when I met you- I mean, you have to be a good head shorter than me- but you've gotten so thin. I'm worried that I'll accidentally hurt you, and Lukas, I never want to do that to you. You're everything to me, you hear?"

"Dramatic as always, Mathias." Lukas took the first move, wrapping his arms around Mathias and burying his face into his chest as the other blond snaked his own arms through the tangle of wires. "I know. You won't hurt me. And today- Mathias, it was wonderful of you. You didn't have to do it, especially not for me. When I first met you, I thought that you were just your regular annoying asshole, but you're a good person. Maybe, if you gave me half the opportunity, I really would fall in love with you." Lukas could feel Mathias' lips curve into a smile under his fingers, and the Dane leaned down to press a kiss to his head.

"I didn't get through half the stuff I wanted to do with you today. I'm sorry- it was kind of a wasted journey. But I promise you, the minute you get better, I'm going to take you out and just have a day to us. Sounds good, right?" Anyone could have picked up on the hopeful tone in his voice, and Lukas found himself smiling sadly.

"Of course. Today was good, though. I enjoyed it. After all, I did find out about your plans for your children, even if they are half-assed and impractical."

"Hey, they're better than anything you could come up with." Yet again, Mathias appeared to be ignoring the possibility of Lukas not living long enough to raise children, but the Norwegian pushed these thoughts from his head and settled against his chest, listening to the Dane's humming.

"I thought you said you were tone deaf?"

"I am. Humming doesn't require any particular skills."

"I like it, though. It's calming."

In that moment, Lukas was able to forget his failing health and dying heart in favour of falling asleep in the arms of the boy he loved, his last waking memory being that of Mathias pressing another slow, gentle kiss to his face.