A/N: This chapter was originally going to include the post-Games interview, but, for length reasons, I decided to move it to the next chapter. Thanks again for the continued support! Starting with this chapter, I'm going to reply to guest reviews on my profile.
I'm not sure what I expected to feel in my first seconds as victor. Triumph, maybe? Happiness that I can finally return to my family? Victors have always seemed strong and powerful, more celebrity than actual human being. I don't feel strong or powerful or triumphant. The only way I could describe myself in this moment is broken. Broken and on the verge of death.
A ladder drops down in front of me. How do they expect me to grab it? It's like I've forgotten how to move my arms. Kim's body is lying across my chest, weighing me down, and I'm still struggling to see and breathe. Someone must help me up because the next thing I know, I'm in the hovercraft. Blackness pulls me under every few seconds, making it impossible to tell what's going on. I hear urgent voices and beeping machines. Someone jabs me with a needle and I'm out again, this time for much longer.
The next time my eyes open, I'm in a white hospital room. The stiffness in my joints suggests I've been unconscious for a while. I can't remember why I'm here. Then it dawns on me. I was in the Hunger Games with Kai. I survived and he didn't. My heart rate picks up and I feel a breakdown coming. It never comes, though, because I'm immediately knocked out again.
This pattern continues for a while. I'm never exactly sure how much time has passed between each awakening, but I start feeling stronger and more lucid each time. There are other changes, too. All the scars on my body are slowly but surely disappearing. By the sixth time I wake up, they are gone without a trace.
Usually there's a doctor or nurse with me when I regain consciousness, but I'm all alone this time. All the tubes are gone from my body and a note lies on the little table next to me. It says that my stylist will be with me by noon and that the Games Highlights will be held tonight. It's nine o'clock right now.
I'm suddenly extremely eager to get out of bed and walk around. I pull myself out of the sheets and realize I'm naked. Luckily, there is a thin white robe hanging on the opposite side of the room. My legs are surprisingly strong as I walk to it. I'm just about to grab the robe when I catch sight of myself in a mirror.
Apart from the fact that I look polished, the most shocking difference is my chest. Even before the Hunger Games, I had a pretty childish shape because I'm so small and skinny. Marilla had practically the same chest size as me. I guess the Capitol considered that an imperfection because they fixed it, along with the rest of my body's flaws. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like this body isn't really mine. I turn away from the mirror and pull the robe tightly around me.
Unsure of what to do with myself, I pace around the small room for about twenty minutes. I refuse to get back in bed. Eventually, I decide it won't hurt to walk around outside my room for a while, as long as I'm back before noon. I open the door tentatively and proceed to wander aimlessly through the barren halls.
I've just rounded the third corner when I hear a voice coming from somewhere not far away. I freeze instantly and listen.
"I just can't wait for tonight! I bought the perfect dress and the heels were buy one get one half-off! That way Mags can wear one pair and we'll match!"
I'd know that gushy voice anywhere! Isidora! I never thought I would be so happy to see her. My feet plop against the cool tile as I run down the hall and around the corner to meet her. When she comes into my line of vision, I see Alec is with her. I surprise myself by letting out a squeal and running even faster. Seconds later, I have my arms wrapped tightly around him, squeezing as hard as I can. I didn't realize how much I missed him until just now.
"Whoa, Mags, I need to breathe," he says, but he's smiling.
"Sorry!" I say, stepping back from him. It's the first thing I've said since the arena, and my voice is hoarse from misuse.
"Don't worry about it," Alec says. "I'm glad to see your doing better."
I open my mouth to ask him how long it's been since I left the arena, but Isidora interrupts me with a question. "What are you doing out of your room?"
"I…needed to exercise my legs." Hopefully that's an acceptable excuse.
She shakes her head vehemently. "No, we can't have that. Come on, let's get you back in your room before Lilith sees you're missing." She puts her hands around my shoulders and begins directing me back down the hall.
Alec walks alongside us. "Isidora, she's been in that bed for over three days. You can't blame her for wanting to walk around," he tells her.
I nod in agreement. "Can you two at least stay with me until she gets there?"
"I guess so," Isidora says pensively.
I smile widely and thank her before she can change her mind. It's nice to have the two of them in the room with me. We exchange small talk, and I'm grateful neither of them bring up my experience in the arena. I know I have to face it tonight, but I would rather just not think about it. It's silly, but I can't help but think ignoring it will make the bad memories go away.
Lilith walks in just after noon, holding a large bag. She waves her hand as a signal for Isidora and Alec to leave. Without acknowledging me, she pulls a floor-length white ball gown out of the bag. White isn't exactly the color you would pair with someone who just won the Hunger Games, but it's better than blood red.
"Take off the robe," she instructs.
I slide it off and she helps me into the dress. It's strapless and silky against my skin. I look in the mirror and inspect it. The dress is low cut enough to show off my new cleavage and is skin-tight down to the waist. From there, it falls to the floor in rounded layers. Lilith hands me white gloves with yellow accents. They reach my elbows.
"It's nice," I say in approval.
"You haven't seen the full effect yet," she tells me. "I've been envisioning this dress since I heard your name called at the reaping. I'm glad I'm getting the chance to see it on you." That might just be her twisted way of saying she's happy I survived.
The prep team enters, bursting with excitement. I'm excited to see them, too.
"I was so scared for you in that final fight!" Faria tells me. "I'm so glad you made it out over that District Two girl. I was rooting for you the entire time. So was my daughter."
"I'll have to meet her one day," I say as she styles my hair into a curly side ponytail. I'm amazed that they were able to save my hair from the matted mess it had become.
Zia and Soma set golden jewelry around my neck and put a round, yellow clip into my hair. I don't understand why they are accenting the white with yellow until I look in the mirror again.
"I'm a magnolia," I say softly. Now I can see how the rounded layers of the dress are meant to look like petals.
"True to your name," Lilith says with a nod. "Now stand up straighter and smile. You're a victor now. Show some pride!"
I promise I'll try. Faking it for one night can't be too hard.
After I'm declared ready to go, I'm escorted into the backstage area. Alec and Kallan are there, and they both look handsome in black dress shirts and pants. They each wear a shiny white tie and belt.
Kallan sees me and immediately walks over to me. "Well if it isn't our newest victor! Welcome to the family!" he says, putting an arm around my shoulder.
"Family?" I ask.
He grins. "Yeah, pretty much. I think you surprised us all. I know I was in shock when you killed that boy from One!"
I know he means well, but that last comment just made this a little awkward. Alec shoots Kallan a warning glance.
Alec clears his throat and says, "I think Kallan was trying to say that victors stick together. You're stuck with us whether you like it or not."
My expression lightens. "I might just be able to deal with that."
"Well I have to go. You two have a nice mentor-tribute moment, if that's what you want to call it," Kallan says, his dark eyes shining as he laughs and walks off.
"What was that about?" I ask in confusion. Alec just shrugs his shoulders.
Some Capitol woman I've never seen before walks up to me with a red envelope in her hand. "Oh, look at you! That full body polish worked wonders. You're on in five minutes, hon. I was told to give this to you," she says, handing me the envelope.
She's gone before I can thank her. I try to slide my finger under the seal gently because the material of the envelope looks expensive, but I eventually give up and just tear it open.
"Is that from President Burns?" Alec asks.
I look at the name on the bottom of the letter. "Yeah. Do you know what this is for?"
"He sends them every victor," he answers nonchalantly.
That makes me feel better. I unfold the letter and hold the edges between my gloved fingers before reading the typed passage.
Dear Miss Brine:
I would like to extend my sincere congratulations to you on winning this year's Hunger Games. Victors are the most respected celebrities in all of Panem, and I am confident you will represent District Four tastefully and with honor.
Yours Truly, President Maximus Burns
Underneath the type is another line written in elegant script.
It would be a pleasure to meet with you tonight in my mansion. We have a few matters to discuss.
What does he mean by "a few matters to discuss"? If that's normal, why didn't he just include it in the rest of the typed passage?
"Two minutes!" a voice calls from across the room. Wonderful. I'm already nervous about the Games highlights. Now I have to face it with one more thing to worry about. I'm thankful that I'm wearing a floor length dress because my legs are shaking. Actually, my whole body's shaking. I don't want to have to relive my time in the arena. I can't.
"Are you okay?" Alec asks in concern.
"No. I can't do this, Alec! Why do they even need me there to watch a recap?"
Alec sets a hand on my bare shoulder, and my skin feels warm where he touches it. My heart stutters, though I'm not sure whether it's from that or the stress of this situation. "Calm down and look at me," he instructs. I comply, letting my blue eyes drift to his green ones. "I'm not going to help you through this," he begins.
"Isn't that your job?" I snap, feeling betrayed. Realistically, I know he can't help anyway, but it would be nice to hear some encouragement.
"You don't need my help," he continues. "You're stronger than you think. Weak people don't win the Hunger Games. Understand?"
"Okay," I say weakly. I don't feel strong, but it's nice to know he believes in me. Immediately after, I'm ushered onto the stage. Upbeat music is playing and the lights are even brighter than I remember. I instinctively shield my eyes until I remember the whole country is watching. With a gulp, I drop my hands and attempt to glide over to Nathaniel.
When I'm safely seated in the ornate chair, I pull my best fake smile and wave to the audience like Isidora instructed me before the Games.
"I'm delighted to see you tonight, Mags." Nathaniel says. "How are you feeling?"
As far as I know, there's no angle I have to play tonight. "Nervous," I answer honestly.
Nathaniel's dark eyebrows furrow over his red skin. "Nervous? Why there's no need to be! Tonight belongs to you! Everyone's delighted to have you here. Aren't you?" he asks, directing the question to the audience. They cheer in response. "See? Nothing to worry about."
He asks me a few more questions, but it's nothing major because he's saving most of it for tomorrow's interview. My prep team is introduced and receive a huge round of applause from the audience. I clap for them, too. Lilith comes on stage, and I see she's adorned with a new pair of diamond-encrusted glasses for the event. Isidora is beside herself with joy when she gets her moment in the spotlight. It's Alec's appearance that gets the most reaction. He knows how to play the audience just right. I try not to frown where I hear women screaming in admiration.
The three hour recap starts with the reapings and continues onto training and scores. These parts aren't the hardest to watch because nothing awful is happening, but there's still the sadness of knowing all these people are dead. It's especially hard to see Kai. He gets a lot of screen time because of his relation to me.
The real horror starts when the Games begin. I watch myself emerge from the tube and take off running when the gong sounds. It's not long before I notice Kai isn't following me and freeze until the girl from Six forces me to move. After my alliance with the careers is settled, there's a disproportionate amount of screen time given to us. Little snippets show what the other tributes were up to, but it's never long before it goes back to us.
I notice they don't play the part where I comfort the little boy from Seven or when he begs me to kill him; it's just me stabbing him. However, they do show the whole scene of me helping Crystal escape, as well as the swollen cheek I received from Osten immediately after.
The closer it gets to Kai's death, the more nervous I become. It's only a matter of time after the boy from Five dies. I want to turn away after because I don't want to watch my cousin die, but my eyes stay glued to the screen. Part of me has to know how it happened. Osten bursts through the foliage and calls Kai a betrayer as he trusts the spear into his body. I gasp as I hear his scream and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. It's cruel that they're making me watch this. I bet none of them have never had to watch someone they love be murdered.
My eyes are filling with tears and I try with all my power to make them disappear. I don't need to see what happens next on the recap. Instead, I squeeze my eyes shut and look away. It doesn't matter; I see myself killing Osten even with my eyes shut. My hands start fiddling with my dress and my necklace as the sound of my sobs fills the stage. If only I had some rope to tie knots with. I don't care if Isidora said it's proper to keep my hands on my lap. It's calming to distract myself.
When I finally open my eyes, I see her glaring at me from the audience. I try my best to act publicly acceptable for the last forty minutes of the highlights. That's not too hard because my whole body feels numb. The only thing that threatens to destroy my calm is the final fight, which is played out in full chaos. The tape shuts off right after I'm announced as victor.
The last event planned for tonight's broadcast is the presentation of the crown. President Burns walks on stage and places it on top my head. His wrinkled skin and piercing yellow eyes are just inches from me, and I desperately want to ask him what it is we need to discuss. I'll just have to wait until later tonight.
Immediately after the show ends, I'm taken to a private car that will serve as my transportation to the victor's banquet. When I get there, I'm not sure whether I should go find the President now or wait for him to retrieve me later. It immediately becomes clear that the answer to that question is later. So many people are crowding around me and asking for pictures that I couldn't escape if I tried. I do my best to be polite and accommodate everyone, but it gets annoying after a while.
The crowds slack off eventually, and I find myself walking around like a lost puppy, looking for anyone who looks remotely familiar. I catch the scent of delicious food and am drawn to the table. My food portions have been kept small since I won. This might be my only chance to have a decent meal before I return home.
Zia bumps into me as I'm sampling a soup. I smile and ask if the rest of my prep team is here.
"They're somewhere around here, but I'm sure you don't want to hang out with us! Go on, have fun and meet new people. Just stay away from the alcohol. You're still young," she says as she refills her wine glass.
I wasn't planning on getting drunk, anyway. My eyes scan the crowded ballroom until I catch sight of Alec. I push my way through the crowd over to him.
"I'm glad I found you," I tell him. "I was starting to feel like a loner standing by myself."
He laughs, and I notice how it forms little creases around his mouth. "You can stay with me. Care for a dance?"
"That might be a little dangerous considering I'm in heels," I joke. I still haven't mastered walking steadily, much less dancing.
"I won't let you fall."
We join hands and Alec wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me close. Dancing is rhythmic and soothing. We don't say much, but I'm grateful for it. It's nice to just stay silent and feel his warmth. This is probably the safest I've felt since my name was drawn at the reaping.
Two songs later, a Capitol woman with lilac hair taps me on the shoulder. "Mind if I take a turn?" she asks.
"Sure, no problem," I answer reluctantly. "I have someone to find."
Alec looks at me uncertainly, but I assure him it's fine. Now's the time to meet with Burns. I see him standing at the top of an extravagant staircase. I make my way over to him nervously.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," he says in a gravelly tone. His voice doesn't sound as powerful as it used to. I'm sure that has to do with his age. "Come on, let's go back down and get a drink."
I don't refuse the drink when he hands it to me. It's strong and bitter, but it gets a little better with each sip.
"You said we had some matters to discuss?" I ask timidly.
"I like to meet with all of my victors to make sure they understand their new responsibilities. You're a role model now, Miss Mags. Nevertheless, there was something that bothered me about your performance at the end of the Games." He's staring at me, and I find myself looking at the unnatural brightness of his eyes.
His words finally set in. I feel dread creeping up. "What was that?"
"You purposely injured yourself right before the final fight. I was perplexed at first, but it became clear you were trying to cheat your way to the end. Care to explain yourself?"
I was aware that the Capitol wouldn't appreciate it as I made the plan, but I honestly didn't think it would be this big of a deal. "I…I didn't realize there were rules. I thought that was my only shot at winning." A moment passes before I think of something else to add. "I didn't follow through with the plan, anyway. I won because I killed Kim."
He nods slowly, but his eyes are still accusing. "It's true that you came through at the end. Still, anyone watching could see the District Two girl should have won. You're the reason she was too weak to defeat you."
"I'm sorry," I say, not exactly sure why I'm apologizing for not letting Kim kill me. My hands have started to shake slightly. The sloshing of my amber drink makes it obvious. "I don't know what I was thinking. What are you going to do?" I ask. My voice cracks on the last word.
"Nothing as of now," he responds. "Just know that you're treading on thin ice. What you did was an embarrassment to your family, District Four, and the Capitol. I expect full loyalty from you in the future, young lady."
I'm more relieved than frightened by his words. "I understand," I say.
It takes a while for me to fully realize the threat behind his instructions. I'd never understood how the Capitol could have so much influence over a person's life, but now it's as clear as day. Any misstep by me means punishment. After tomorrow's interview, I get to head back home to my family. That doesn't mean I'm safe.
It doesn't matter if I'm a victor; the Capitol's Games never really end.