A/N: The last chapter got way more hits and reviews/alerts than usual, and that made me so excited! Y'all are the best! The next update probably won't be until next week because I'm leaving for vacation today. Anyway, my birthday is in two days, so a review would be an awesome present :D… I mean…if you want to. There's no obligation haha
That night, my father makes a pot of shrimp stew. Even after all the delicacies I have tasted in the Capitol, it is still my favorite because it tastes like home. There's still a sense of incompleteness without Kai there, but, overall, it's nice to have the family together. My new house is extravagant and truthfully too big for a family of three. I tell my aunt that her family can move in if they want. She declines, but I still insist on giving the girls their own rooms in this house. That way, they can come and go as they please.
It's still pretty early when I start nodding off. The combination of excitement for today and my usual nightmares kept me from getting any sleep last night.
"Mom, can we sleep over?" Hallie asks, tugging at my aunt's shirt.
"Not tonight. Mags has had a long day," she answers.
"No, they can stay!," I interject. By now, I'm a little scared of what nightmares will meet me as I fall asleep. As pathetic as it sounds, I would feel safer sleeping with them here. I can be brave for them.
After a bit of discussion, it's settled that they will spend the night. I remind my mother that everything's okay now because she looks unhealthy and thin from stress. Then I walk upstairs with Marilla and Hallie and they show me my room. My family must have moved all my clothes over from the old house after I won. I go back down and make some tea to help me stay awake.
For the next several hours, we act as if the Hunger Games never happened. I sit on the floor and braid back Hallie's hair. Marilla lays on my bed and we recount funny stories of the past. All signs of weakness that inhabited her earlier today have been erased.
Eventually, Hallie falls asleep on the ground and I lift her up into my bed. Marilla and I keep talking late into the night. The later it gets, the more funny her stories seem. I find myself laughing like crazy before she even gets to the humorous part.
"Wow, someone's delirious," she says with a giggle. I don't argue because I know it's true. It gets difficult to hold my eyes open, and I start slipping into unconsciousness. I'm still half-awake when I hear Marilla begin to speak.
"I wish you could have been there when we buried Kai," she whispers sadly. "I miss him so much, more than I ever thought I would. People have been looking at me and Hallie like they feel sorry for us. I don't want anymore pity and I don't want to be treated like a little kid…"
I force my eyes to open. "I know how you feel," I say groggily. "We'll get through this together. You should go to sleep now."
She climbs into bed with me and Hallie, and I don't really care that there are several extra bedrooms they could use. I need to have someone close, at least for tonight. Maybe they feel the same way.
Amazingly, I don't wake up screaming. Morning light is shining through the window the next time I become lucid. My father peeks through the door, already in his fisherman gear, to remind the younger girls that it's time for school. I'm not required to go to school anymore because I won't need to work for the rest of my life. I pull on a T-shirt and shorts and walk them to school after breakfast. I'm not sure what to do with myself after that.
Every time my mother sees me, her blue eyes grow wide and she embraces me like she is certain I will disappear at any second. I guess I can see where she's coming from. Just the idea of the Hunger Games was enough to keep her from having any more kids, not that being an only child put the odds any more in my favor. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have her with me, but the touchy-feely stuff makes me uncomfortable after a while. I tell her I'm going over to Alec's house and she looks at me questioningly.
"Alec's house? Is there something you need to tell me, Mags?"
"No," I answer. "I promised him I would feed him if I won. I kind of owe him for helping me survive." I scoop some of the leftover shrimp stew into a plastic container because it's too good not to share. This should be good for lunch. I'll help him make dinner.
I'm about to walk out the door when the casual clothes I'm wearing suddenly seem inadequate. I run back upstairs and change into a nicer blouse and skirt and inspect my hair to make sure it's presentable. My mother smiles knowingly as I walk back downstairs, but I ignore it.
It only takes a minute to walk next door to his house. I knock on the door with my free hand and listen to the footsteps approaching. Alec opens the door a minute later, and the first thing I notice is that he looks like he just recently woke up. It's almost cute how messy he looks.
"I brought lunch! My dad cooked this, but I'll help with dinner," I announce, holding up the container of stew.
"Sounds good to me," he says as he lets me in. His house looks very simply like there's a nineteen year old guy who lives there: messy and unkempt.
A large, wiry haired dog runs up to me and tries to jump on me. Startled, I move back a bit. The dog is almost as tall as me when he stands on his hind legs.
"Russ! Get down now!" Alec instructs, and the dog obeys immediately. Russ lays on his back on the floor with his paws still moving. I set the food down on the table and bend down to pet him. I've always had a soft spot for animals. My family never owned one because, even though we were well off, we didn't have enough money to afford the expenses of a pet.
"Aw, he just wants attention," I say as I rub his russet belly. "Is he a fishing dog?" I ask.
"Yeah, he keeps me company. How long should I warm up the stew for?" he responds.
I walk over to the stove and pour it in a pot. "It should only take a few minutes." Then his last words register in my head. "You live here alone?" I ask.
He leans against the counter. "You're surprised? I am an adult, you know."
"I never said you weren't. It's just I live with my family so I assumed you did, too," I say with a shrug. I keep stirring the stew until it's warm enough. "It's done," I tell him.
I pour it into a bowl and set it on the table. "Try not to burn yourself," I say with a smile.
"Alright, Mom," he jokes. "This is really good," he says after a few bites.
"I had a feeling you'd like it. Now lets see what you have in your pantry." I've started to inspect the shelves with a picture sitting on the counter a few feet away catches my eye. I move over to it and pick it up, rubbing my thumb along the texture of the frame. In the picture, I see a younger Alec next to a woman who must be his mother. She is holding a rosy-cheeked little boy who looks to be about two or three years old. That must be Alec's baby brother.
Judging by Alec's age in the photo, I would guess it was taken maybe a year before he went to the Hunger Games at sixteen. I can't help but wonder where this family is now. I know Alec's old enough to live on his own, but wouldn't he rather his family live comfortably in a mansion instead of the little wooden houses spread around the District?
"You're little brother is really adorable," I say quietly. Alec's expression suddenly looks alarmed, but he pulls it into a poker face a moment later. He walks over and gently removes the frame from my hand before he places it back on the counter, facing away from me.
"Yep, that's little Tommy," he says too casually.
A realization hits me. "Wait, I thought you told me you didn't have any siblings?" I say in confusion. I search his eyes for answers.
"Don't worry about it, okay? It's complicated," he answers quickly. Then he walks into the pantry and starts naming foods that we could possibly make.
I'm not letting it drop that easily. "Alec…" I begin nervously. "Did…did something happen to them?"
He turns around and speaks in a surprisingly harsh tone. "Drop it, Mags. I don't want to talk about that right now." I flinch a bit because he is usually so patient and kind.
I almost give up then, but I feel like I've ventured past the point of no return. Now I have to know, especially if it's something serious. I muster up a calm voice and speak. "You can tell me, Alec. We're both victors. We're in this together. I promise not to tell anyone. Please, you can trust me."
That just seems to make him angrier. It's clear I have struck a nerve. "I think you should go," he snaps at me.
I stare at him, dumbfounded. "You're kicking me out?" I ask. "What about dinner and.."
"I said you should go," he repeats.
I'm not sure why I feel so hurt right now. I don't look his way as I turn around and walk out the front door. I make sure to slam it on the way out. It doesn't seem like a good idea to go home, either, because my mother can read me like an open book, and I will no doubt have to endure her questions. I walk down the hill and past the sand dunes to reach the beach.
I can't decide if I'm mad at Alec or not. I'm upset that he treated me this way when I was clearly just trying to help. Does he have any idea how much I care about him? Clearly there's a lot I don't know about his past.
The only person who might know is Kallan. I consider going to his house, but quickly decide against it. I'm not really that close to him. Instead, I walk along the beach where the water hits the sand. The cool waves break near the shore and extend over my feet, only to withdraw seconds later. My footsteps leave indentations in the ground that are quickly filled by the roll of the tide. Every now and then, I pass a pier and watch as the fisherman climb onto their boats and sail out into the distance.
I pause when I recognize a rock that signifies this spot of the beach as the place my father would bring me when I was small and innocent. It makes me think of the little toddler in the picture at Alec's house. So tiny, cute, and pure. How could the Capitol do something to hurt him? I know they aren't above killing children, but how could any human being hurt a baby? Alec must have made a really big mistake. I could understand him getting angry at me for bringing up something he holds himself responsible for. That doesn't mean I like it. I decide that I'll give Alec space for now, but mark my words, I will find out what's going on here. My own family needs protection.
I keep walking until it's almost time to pick up my cousins from school. They're old enough now to walk home on their own, but I really have nothing better to do at the moment. I'm a little early when I reach the school. The upper grades are the only ones that have already been released. I settle on going wait at a little coffee shop that a bunch of the high schoolers hang out at, even if they don't buy anything. I recognize a bunch of kids from my classes, and even those who I never talked to much approach me to say congratulations. It's strange that I'm getting more attention than usual because I feel completely detached from this whole aspect of my life.
I wish they wouldn't see me as a celebrity. I just want my life to return to normal. Hoping for that is a bit of a lost cause, though.
A smile spreads across my face when I see two close friends of mine walk in. Their names are Coral and Kate, and the three of us always ate lunch together and sometimes hung out after school. Neither of them came see me after the reaping, but I can't really blame them for that. I feel a little guilty myself for not thinking about them much during the Games. Coral sees me and jumps up in excitement before directing Kate over to my table.
"It's so good to see you!" I say happily. They both talk about how much they missed me eating with them and fill me in on everything I missed while I was gone. Coral is as jumpy and spastic as always. Kate is much more reserved, yet still nice and happy to see me. I nod as I listen to their stories, even though most don't really matter much to me anymore since I'm never going back to school.
"Oh, I'm really sorry about Kai," Kate adds after. "We went to his funeral."
"I wish I could've been there," I respond sadly.
"No, it's better you stayed in the Game and survived. We wouldn't have wanted a double funeral," she says confidently.
"Yeah, you're like famous now!" Coral squeals, leaning over the table.
I have always been somewhat of a third wheel in our little group since Coral and Kate have known each other for longer, but I'm glad they didn't forget about me in my absence. Maybe, just maybe, my life can return back to normal if I stick with them. That hope dims the longer our conversation goes, because I tense up several times as they mention the Games and my mind keeps drifting back to worrying about Alec.
"Is something wrong?" Coral asks after my expression has turned to a frown. "You seem different."
"I feel different," I admit.
They look at me sympathetically. Coral grabs my hand and Kate tires to encourage me. "We're sorry, Mags, but look at the bright side. You can get whatever you want now. Don't you still like that senior…um…what's his name…Doc? He can't turn you down now!"
I pull my mouth into a straight line. "I haven't even thought about him in forever. Besides, then he would just like me because I'm a victor. That doesn't seem right." I really couldn't care less about how rich or famous I am now, anyway. None of it can make up for what the Hunger Games took from me. No one could really understand that without experiencing the arena themselves.
Coral's eyes light up. "Are you saying there's someone else you're interested in?"
I laugh uncomfortably and glance at the clock. "Guys, I have to go pick up my cousins," I say, dodging the question. They remind me to keep in touch, and then I'm gone.
The girls are standing among the other younger kids. "How was school?" I ask.
Neither of them seem to think the academics are worth talking about. Hallie launches into a story of how a mean teacher fell out of her chair. Marilla mentions that she still can't walk down the halls without getting sympathetic stares or being called "poor Marilla."
"They'll find something else to talk about soon," I assure her. People have a way of reacting to something all at once and forgetting what they cared about the second something new comes along. Soon enough, this year's Games will be old news.
For the next few days, I do whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Working at least makes me feel like I have a purpose. I can sit around all day if I like, but that would be submitting to my thoughts and memories. I'm quickly learning that my mind is my own worst enemy. I put my all into everything I do, whether it be scrubbing the tiles of the kitchen until they gleam or watering the garden. Going to the market to buy groceries or examining a list of possible talents to master. Collecting seashells with my cousins or making lemonade for the grass cutting crew. Fishing at the pier or crafting rope nets. It helps me feel accomplished, but my thoughts always, always go in the direction I don't want them to. Lately that has been thinking too much about Alec in a mixture of frustration and worry.
On the fourth day, I catch sight of Alec and Kallan as I am taking the garbage out. Luckily, they don't see me. I half-watch as they tell each other goodbye and Alec walks closer to his house. I'm almost positive I'm going to make it back to my own house without him noticing me when he sees me and calls my name. Maybe I have been planning out talking to him for days, but in the moment, I decide I would rather ignore him and walk away. I'm not sure what kind of game we're playing. All I know is I'm not letting him win this easily.
"Mags! Come on, can't you at least listen?" he calls out to me. I make a beeline for my door, but he meets me there first, jumping in front of me so fast that I bump into him. The first thing I notice is that his shirt is half-unbuttoned and I can see his chest underneath. Great. Another thing to distract me when I'm supposed to be mad.
"What?" I ask expectantly.
"I'm sorry, okay? I know I overreacted and it wasn't your fault. It's just that there are some things from my past that I don't like to remember. You know as well as I do that it's easier to forget things than to relive them over and over again," he says breathlessly.
I really wish I could deny that. Haven't I been doing the same thing by pushing all thoughts of the Games out of my mind and avoiding memories attached to Kai? My resolve falters for a second.
I swallow a breath and begin. "I understand that. You could have explained that and I would have given you space. I still can. But you still owe me answers, Alec, even if I don't get them this second. I have my own family to protect, so you can't keep secrets from me about how all this victor stuff works. Any mistake I make puts them in danger. I need to know what to avoid doing." I pause for another breath and Alec cuts in.
"I know, I know…" he begins, but I cut him off because I still have words to get off my chest.
"You're not the only one with scars. I think what really hurt was knowing that you don't trust me, even though we're victors and you said we're in this together. Do you realize how hard it is for me to connect with other people now? Who else am I supposed to turn to for victor advice? I've been worried sick about you for the last four days! I care about you a lot, Alec, okay?" After the words are out of me, I feel almost deflated. Now I'm back to the real me, a smallish vulnerable girl who's worried about what Alec might reply.
He looks a little surprised now. "I never said I didn't care about you," he says. "I've been worried that you hate me now. I know I owe you answers. Just give me a little time. I'll tell you everything you need to know this Saturday. After that, maybe we could just hang out for fun, you know, like normal people. How does that sound?"
All the anger is gone, and I can feel warmth creeping up into my cheeks. "I…I would like that a lot," I answer.
Alec smiles and says, "Then it's a date." I watch him as he makes his way back to his own house.