A/N: I just got back from vacation yesterday so I'm really sorry about the wait. I made this chapter a lot longer than usual so hopefully that will make up for it. I'm going to try my best to get the next few chapters out quickly. As always, thanks for reading!
Parcel Days are one of the best things that come from winning the Hunger Games. It's still early in the morning, but practically the entire district is out and about, waiting for the arrival of the Capitol train. It might not seem like it would be such a big deal since not many people go hungry in Four. The sea provides everything we need. The catch is that there are set quotas for the amount of seafood that must be transported to the Capitol every week. Families are allowed to keep anything that exceeds the quota, so, sure, we have enough, but we never really have a lot.
When a tribute from Four wins the Games, food is delivered to the district every month for the next year. Everyone is off of work for the holiday. Town Square transforms into a place of festivities and people are just happy to be alive. I've learned from experience that nothing brings people together like food. Luxuries such as candy only add to the excitement.
A cheer erupts through the crowd as the train pulls into the station. People grab for cans of food and bottles of wine, and it makes me glad to see the smiles on their faces. For the first time, I can actually understand why people would want to go into the Games and win for their district. Bringing pride to your home is an incredible feeling.
My father echoes my thoughts. He slides a hand over my shoulder. "All of these people are celebrating because of you, Mags. I wish I could tell you how proud I am to have you as my daughter."
"Aw, thanks Dad, but I really didn't do much," I reply softly.
"It looks like you did a whole lot. More importantly, you stayed yourself, and that's what really counts. I know you don't like talking about what happened, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you need to get something off your chest."
I'm not sure why his words make me want to tear up. I look into his familiar face, the face of a man who has overworked himself for years just to protect his daughter. The only thing that has changed over the years is the amount of gray in his hair and goatee. I've changed much more, and now it's my turn to protect him. I don't know if I believe his comment that I managed to stay myself. On some days, I can pick out pieces of myself that haven't disappeared and convince myself that I'm still the same girl with the same interests after all. There are other days where I feel like I've been broken to the point where everything I do is an effort to rebuild myself into something new.
"I know you're there for me if I need something," I say, a little delayed.
My father's face pulls into a smile. "Of course I am. Well I need to go find your mother, so why don't you go take the girls around the Square?" He motions to Marilla and Hallie behind him.
I nod in agreement and join my little cousins. We've only walked for maybe five minutes when Hallie catches sight of a dance contest some people had set up and tells me she wants to go there. I laugh as I watch her swing hips that she doesn't have yet as she tries to imitate the people dancing around a pile of food packages.
"Marilla, why don't you go dance with your sister?" I ask.
"Because I have some dignity," she answers seriously.
"If you say so," I say with a shrug and lean against a wall to get a better view when something catches my eye. I turn to see two little kids struggling to grab a bag of candy off a platform. They look like brother and sister, and I would guess the girl is about five or six and the boy is around two. Both of them have reddish curls and big blue eyes.
"Here you go," I say as I grab the candy and kneel to their level to hand it to them.
"Fank you!" the toddler boy exclaims.
The little girl is jumping up and down in excitement. "Ooh, I saw you on the T.V.!" she informs me. That's strange. Usually kids aren't required to watch the Games until they are old enough to handle it. I think I was at least eight or nine when I started watching, and it was still more than I was ready for. Hopefully she didn't see too much of the Games this year. I'm about to ask her what she saw me do when she answers for me.
"You were fishing in a lake! I wanted to watch more but Mommy said I wasn't allowed. But then I saw you again next to the red man and Mommy said you were going to bring us lots of food and now it's here!" She stops her rapid speaking to catch her breath. I figure the "red man" was Nathaniel Flickerman during the post-Games interview.
Her little brother's eyes widen and his mouth falls open in shock. "You made all dis food?" he asks incredulously. It's definitely the cutest thing I have seen in a while.
"Not exactly," I say with a smile. "Here, take some more." The little girl opens her backpack and I help them load food and desserts into it.
Marilla taps me on the back. "I think that's their mom looking for them," she tells me. Sure enough, there is a woman with the same hair color as the kids frantically calling for them. I stand up and wave her over, and I see every muscle in her face relax in relief.
"You two had me worried sick," she says as lifts up the little boy and grips the girl's hand.
The little ones seem oblivious to her worry. "Look Mama, I gots food from big choo-choo!" the boy tells her and presents her with a can of soup.
She can't help but smile at that. "Tell Miss Mags thank you for keeping you company," she tells them. They respond by thanking me and wave to me as they start walking off. Another little boy with ashy brown hair runs up to the girl before they get very far and pulls her off in another direction. He has a childish round face and eyes that are the same aqua green tone as the sea. They are gone in a second and the mother is chasing after her daughter again, but I can't help but think something looked familiar about the brown-haired boy. I must have seen him around the market before the reaping.
"Weren't they the most adorable things ever?" I ask Marilla. I've always had a soft spot for kids.
"I guess they were kind of cute," she allows. "But I'm never having kids."
"I thought the same way as you when I was twelve. Now I really want to have a family of my own in the future," I reply. "I think I'll have two, maybe three."
Marilla smiles smugly. "I bet you'll regret that."
"Where's Hallie?" I ask, suddenly remembering. After a moment of panic, I turn around and see she is still at the dance competition, though she isn't dancing. Most of the attention over there is focused on Kallan, who is doing some ridiculous dance that involves flailing limbs.
"Come on," I tell Marilla and practically drag her over. Hallie runs up to me as I approach Kallan.
"Did you come to join me?" he asks and pulls me to the center of the crowd. "Today is all about you, so come on, get in the spotlight!"
"No thanks", I say as I slide out of his grasp. "I was actually wondering if you had seen Alec. I'm supposed to meet him today at his house, but I figured he would be here."
"He was. You just missed him. I think he was going home," Kallan answers in the middle of his dance.
"Oh, I guess I should go meet him now then," I say unsurely.
"You two have fun, but not too much fun!" Kallan says with a laugh. Even though Kallan is about seven years older than me, sometimes I swear I am more mature than him. I just shake my head in reply.
"Wait!" Marilla says, grabbing my arm. "You can't just leave now!"
"Yeah, what are you going do anyway? Can I come?" Hallie asks.
"No, I'm sorry, but I have to go. You wouldn't want to come anyway. It's just victor's stuff." At least that is half the truth. Alec promised to tell me what happened to his family and that is something that I don't want the girls to ever have to know. We're just going to hang out after, but I would really prefer to be alone then.
Hallie looks disappointed, yet she accepts what I've said. Marilla isn't convinced. "Just pretend you don't have to go," she pushes.
"I said I have to. And what if I want to go?" I ask.
"Well just pretend you don't want to."
I know she got the whole "just pretend" thing from Kai. He made it up about a year ago and used it as a response to pretty much anything he didn't want to hear. It hurts to think about that right now.
"Pretending doesn't change anything," I say. If there's anything I've learned in the past few weeks, it's that. I try to come up with something to occupy my cousins. "You two don't have to go home if I leave. Why don't you go hang out with some friends from school?"
Marilla launches into a discussion of why she doesn't want to do that. I try to listen, I really do, but she keeps using all these names that I'm unfamiliar with and my mind drifts pretty quickly.
"Look, I'm sorry," I say when she's done. "I need to go. People are probably going to start heading home soon anyway." I apologize again before leaving. When I turn around, I see my cousins' golden-toned hair blowing in the wind as Marilla shoots me an accusing glare. I feel bad, but I'm sure they will get over it.
I catch sight of Alec just as he is about to walk into his house. I'm out of breath by the time I reach him.
"Are you sure you're ready to talk about this today?" I ask between breaths. At first, I was just eager to get answers, but the more I thought about it, the more willing I became to give him time. That's what I would want if I were in his position.
"About as ready as I will ever be," he says as he pulls the door open. "I didn't see you at Town Square."
"I was there with my cousins. It was really crowded. I forgot how big a deal Parcel Days are here."
He nods in agreement. "I can't even imagine how big they must be in the poor districts. Most of their tributes look like they've never had a full meal in their life."
"Yeah," I reply sadly. The poor districts go into the Hunger Games with a disadvantage because their children are malnourished. Winning would mean food for the district, but that's difficult when the tributes are already skinny and weak. In the end, it just turns into a vicious cycle. Even after all the bad luck we've had, Alec and I are still pretty lucky to have been born in Four instead of Eleven or Twelve.
When we're inside, I volunteer to go make some tea. After it has come to a boil, I pour the water into the cups and plop several sugar cubes into mine. I realize how unhealthy it is when I can't taste the flavor of the tea over the sugary sweetness, but I really don't care. I make sure to put a more reasonable amount of sugar in Alec's cup. I've just made it to the table when Alec calls me over to the sofa.
"Make yourself comfortable," he says. I pull me feet up onto the couch and curl up near the arm, my cup of tea steady in my hands.
An awkward moment of silence passes because both of us know that we have to get through this conversation before we can put all of this behind us, at least temporarily. "Sooo…" I begin.
"I can start from the beginning, if that's okay with you," he replies. I nod in approval. His green eyes focus on a far corner of the room and I can tell that his mind is someplace far away, reliving the past. "When I was young, it was just me and my parents. We lived in a small house about forty minutes north of here, so my mother and I spent a lot of time at home alone while my dad was out at sea." He pauses for a few seconds and turns towards me. "Do you remember that hurricane that hit really late in September about thirteen years ago?" he inquires.
I have to think about that for a minute because a lot of storms have hit in my lifetime. Then I am able to remember just a small snippet of that hurricane. I was four and Kai was two. We were both huddled under a table and my aunt was saying that hurricanes usually struck earlier in the summer. After it passed, we ran through the flooded streets without a care in the world. Peacekeepers were there, I think. That makes sense because it would have been during the Dark Days.
"Yeah. The memory's not too clear, though. I was really young," I tell him.
"Well, my father was out on a boat during that hurricane and he never came back. I thought for a long time that he would show up at the front door and everything would go back to normal. It wasn't until I was older that I accepted he was dead. But then I started thinking some other things. With all the technology the Capitol has, there has to be a way to know when a storm is coming. I didn't understand why they couldn't at least warn us, what with everything we do to make sure they have their seafood…"
"Wait," I interrupt. "How would the Capitol know if a hurricane was coming? I don't think that's possible, Alec," I say skeptically. Sure, you could tell a hurricane or tropical storm is on it's way when the waves start getting choppy and the sky gains a yellow tint, but by then, it's only a matter of time. Sailors and fisherman have a few hours tops to get out of the water and head home. Predicting storms would be incredibly helpful, but it just isn't logical. At least to my knowledge.
Alec just shakes his head. "Believe it or not, it is. I always suspected it was, but I didn't know for sure until I asked around in the Capitol. It turns out that it's an ancient technology. People have been tracking storms for centuries, before Panem even existed."
My mouth falls open in surprise. "And they don't tell us?!" I ask incredulously. Do they have any idea how many people have died from being caught in a storm? It's not fair. It just isn't fair.
"Exactly," Alec says, gritting his teeth in anger. I'm feeling pretty angry myself, and I'm not the one who lost a father in a situation that should have been prevented.
"He was in the rebellion," Alec continues. "I feel like that's part of the reason, too. The Peacekeepers were regulating all fishing at the time. They probably purposely sent them in the storm's path."
"Sounds like something they would do," I add.
Alec decides to continue the story. "So anyway, time passed. I started saying things about the Capitol and my mom always had to shut me up before someone heard. It was hard for her to lose her husband, but she moved on and got remarried. Then she had my brother, Thomas. We called him Tommy. I never cared for my stepfather because I didn't consider him my dad and he didn't consider me his son, but he loved my mother and Tommy, so that was enough for me. I was sixteen and my brother was three when I was reaped. I don't think I need to explain to you what it was like to be in the Games. You saw that on T.V. and experienced it yourself…" he trails off.
I cringe a little when I remember watching Alec thrust spears into the hearts of those caught in his nets, but I don't hold him accountable for that anymore. I've been in the same situation as him. In the arena, it's so easy to lose sight of who you are. Fear and hope and desperation transform you into a puppet in the Capitol's Games. Attack first and regret later. We've all done things we aren't proud of. I know Alec now, and I know that he isn't a heartless killer. I can only hope that isn't how he still sees himself.
"And after the Games…?" I ask timidly because I know something bad is coming.
"I was mad. Mad at myself for killing but more mad at the Capitol for making me. I said some things I shouldn't have during the victor's interview. It was the heat of the moment kind of thing. I wasn't thinking about the consequences when I told Nathaniel that I could never forgive the Capitol and that the Games were cruel. I started to bring up the hurricane thing, too. The camera people were able to edit most of it out, but the broadcast went off air for a while. They told me I had to meet with President Burns before I could leave."
He isn't even trying to hide the sadness on his face. I rest my hand on his arm in a sympathetic gesture. "Alec, you don't have to finish this," I tell him.
"No, I do," he says. His voice sounds weak and broken when he continues. "Burns was the one who told me about my mother's 'accident'. He made it more than clear that it was my fault and my brother was next on the list. So then, I did what everyone backed into a corner has to do: I made a deal. He told me the Games weren't getting enough support in the districts, so he needed someone to help promote them. I agreed to do whatever he asked in return for Tommy's safety.
"Most of it is just acting really enthusiastic for the Hunger Games and taking part in Capitol promos, but it can extend to almost anything. Anyone could see that some victors are more involved than others. The ones who are most involved are really the ones who have screwed up the most. We're on a tight chain. The past few years, Burns has been sending out letters like the one you got to warn new victors to behave, but he's really just waiting for you to make a mistake so he can take advantage of it."
It's a lot of information to take in. One thought breaks through all the others because it's a tiny glimmer of hope in a dark place. "Your little brother is still alive? Where is he?" I ask. I had just assumed he was dead.
"He lives with his dad," Alec answers glumly. "My stepfather knew I was the reason his wife died, so he pretty much hates me. We both agreed it would be better for Tommy to not be a part of my life. The Capitol still controls him, but he doesn't have to grow up in fear knowing that. I send them money sometimes, and that's the only connection we have. It's better this way."
I understand now why Alec didn't want to talk about this. My family has always been whole. I never experienced true pain and loss until this year. Alec, on the other hand, has to carry all this guilt around with him. His only surviving relative is growing up without knowing him. Would I do the same thing to protect my family, even if it means I have to face all of this mess alone? I guess I would, but I'm not sure if I would be brave enough.
What hurts the most is seeing the pain on Alec's face. Instinctively, I pull so close to him that I am nearly on his lap and grip his shoulders. Our faces are level now. He needs to hear what I have to say. "Alec, please believe me when I say that this isn't your fault. None of it is your fault. You never asked for any of this! It's the Capitol who did this, and feeling defeated just means that they're winning. You've done all you can, and no one could expect any more of you. No one would judge you for what happened." I try to stress every syllable so he will know how much I mean what I'm saying. After the words are out, the close proximity registers in my mind and I can feel butterflies in my stomach. I know what I want to do, but I'm not sure how he feels, so I pull away and blush.
"None of this is fair," I say softly.
He sighs heavily. "It would be nice if life was fair."
The gears in my mind are spinning. "I know equality can't exist. Still, there is no reason that it should be how it is. It could at least be a little fair if the Capitol wasn't so corrupt. I'm sure, if all the districts stood together, we could change how life works."
"Mags, thousands of people tried that twelve years ago, and just look where it got us. Nothing can change."
I don't have anything to say to that. All the last rebellion achieved was obliterating all life in Thirteen and establishing the Hunger Games. Alec and I would be much better off if it had never happened.
I'm still deep in thought when Alec speaks next. "I see her all the time. My mother, I mean. It's little things, like the color of the ocean. Her eyes were the same green. So are my brother's. Mine are darker green like my father's were."
Something clicks in my mind and I jump up and dash into the kitchen. "Mags?" Alec asks in confusion, but I have already found the answer I was looking for. I peer into the little boy's face in the family portrait. Sea green eyes and ash brown hair.
"I saw your brother this morning," I announce. I knew that kid looked familiar, but I never would have dreamed he was the toddler in the picture. Mostly because I thought he was dead…
Alec doesn't seem as surprised as I would have thought. "I've seen him around a few times."
I want to hear more about little Tommy, but Alec has other plans. "I think we've had enough emotional talk for one day. Do you want to go for a swim?" he asks.
"That sounds good," I reply. I've taken a lot of long walks down the beach since I returned home, but I haven't gone swimming. Technically, the last time I swam was in the lake in the arena.
As we walk barefoot down to the beach, I can't help but wonder what exactly this is. When Alec left my house a few days ago, he said "it's a date." I know that's just an expression, but that didn't keep me from constantly thinking about what he meant. All I know is I'm not going to ask for clarification and risk messing this up.
The closer we get to the ocean, the bigger the waves look. It's definitely choppy, but not as bad as it gets just before a big storm. I can tell already by the way the waves are going in separate directions that there is an undertow.
"Are you sure you can swim in this?" Alec questions.
"What do you mean?" I counter. The way he phrased the question was a little strange.
"I don't know," he says. "It's just that you're not that big. It looks like the waves would push you around."
I smile at him. "I survived the Hunger Games. I think I can handle a few waves."
He laughs in response. "Alright. Let's go then."
I wade into the water in my T-shirt and shorts, being careful to not let the crashing tide push me down. Eventually, I get deep enough to where the water reaches my hair and makes it about ten shades darker brown. I turn back to Alec triumphantly to make some comment about my success thus far when I am once again distracted by watching him take off his shirt. My lapse in attention immediately results in me getting knocked backwards by a wave. Dang it.
"Sure you're okay?" Alec asks too innocently.
"Don't act so smug," I joke. "I clearly meant to do that just to throw you off."
For the next hour, we swim in the ocean, although swim might not be the right description. It's more like getting repeatedly pushed and pulled by the white-capped waves. It doesn't matter how many times I get knocked down, though, because it's actually really fun. The hardest part is making it back to the shore because the waves are the most powerful where they break over shallow water. We've just about made it back when a wave catches Alec by surprise and knocks him hard onto the sand. I can't help but laugh as the waves withdraw around him.
"I thought you were supposed to be the strong one," I say as I pick a piece of seaweed off his shoulders. Seconds later, the next wave crashes in and I end up lying across Alec's back. I push my ponytail out of my face and attempt to spit all traces of salt water out of my mouth. The sound of Alec's laughter greets me.
"You were asking for that one," he laughs.
It takes a few tries to pull ourselves out of the waves' reach because a new one slams into us every few seconds and leaves us tangled together.
I sigh dramatically when I am finally in the safe zone. Alec pulls himself right beside me. Several yards away, a family walks by and stares at us. It makes me feel vulnerable for some reason, kind of like how I feel when Lilith inspects me.
"I wonder what they think," I whisper to Alec. I know I look like a disaster right now, but I'm sure that's not the reason they're staring.
"Does it matter?" he asks. "You seem like you care a lot about what people think of you." He doesn't say it harshly or condescendingly. It is just an observation.
"No I don't," I say automatically, but it takes no time at all for me to realize he's right. I was even scared to come home because I was concerned my own aunt and uncle would be upset that I won. "Okay, fine, I do. I don't know why. Don't you ever feel that way?"
"I guess I used to. It doesn't seem too important anymore. I have enough to deal with and people are better off making their own assumptions anyway."
He's right. What other people think isn't going to change my life or what I've been through. I put way too much thought into worrying over nothing, and that usually ends up holding me back. I might not be able to change the way I think too much, but I can start being myself without worrying how people view my actions. My attention automatically drifts to the one person who I have spent countless nights thinking about and wondering what he thinks about me. Now is as good a time as ever to let go of my worries.
I lean forward and press a kiss to Alec's lips. It's short and sweet, and for a second, I forget all of my insecurity. I pull back slowly and search his expression for a reaction. It seems like time passes incredibly slowly in this moment, giving me time to take everything in. The taste of the ocean lingers on my lips. Alec's dark hair is still dripping water and there are specks of sand on his left cheek. He seems a tiny bit surprised at first, but then the edges of his mouth form into a grin.
There's so much going on inside of me right now. I've suddenly forgotten how to speak and I don't know what to say, anyway, so I just smile back because I'm relieved and happy that he's happy. Somehow, my mouth finds words and I'm talking while only being half aware of it. "I've been wanting to do that for a while," I say.
"I'm glad you did," he replies, and that only makes me more happy.
It's starting to get dark, so we walk back home a few minutes later. I know I'm going to have to endure questions about my whereabouts when I get back, but it really doesn't matter. I'm floating in the clouds right now, and I want to savor every second of that before I'm pulled back down. I still haven't figured out if I'm the same person or someone new. Maybe I'm both. There's always room for people to grow, and I think I like the direction I'm headed.