A/N: Here's most of the Victory Tour. I'm really eager to start writing Mags' first year as mentor. I know I have a good bit of new people on alerts, which is awesome, but it would really make my day to hear from all of you through reviews! I consider the chapter a success if I get just one review :)
It turns out I was right about enduring questions. The second I walk into the door and feel the chill of the air conditioning, my entire family starts with the inquiries. Where were you? A television crew was supposed to film you earlier today. Why are your clothes wet? You went swimming in this weather? What are you smiling about?
"Yeah, I went swimming," is my simple answer to all the questions.
Marilla shoots me a look from across the kitchen. "Sounds like important victor business to me," she says sarcastically. Apparently she's still mad about me leaving earlier.
"Victor business?" my mother asks in confusion.
The smile finally fades from my face. I look into Marilla's blue eyes and try to make her understand in a way that won't give too much away. "I promise I wasn't lying to you. We really did have victor's stuff to discuss."
"Okay. Whatever," she replies, hardly mollified.
I feel guilty now. It really didn't seem like such a big deal to leave her earlier, but there must be something going on for her to react like this.
"Hey, can you come help me with something upstairs?" I ask her. She grudgingly agrees after my aunt tells her to listen to me. When we are finally in my room, I lock the door behind me and face her. "I know something's wrong. You can tell me."
She crosses her arms over her chest defiantly. "So now you act like you care," she says coldly.
"When did I ever not care? I'm freezing in these wet clothes and there's nothing I want to do more right now than take a hot shower, but I'm staying here because I want to help you through whatever's bothering you." My tone comes off as more annoyed than I intended.
Marilla focuses her gaze on the wood floor and her next words are spoken softly. "You walk around like everything is okay. I don't get it. You told me pretending gets you nowhere, but that's all you've done since you've been home."
That wasn't what I was expecting. I'm still not used to seeing my tough little cousin look vulnerable. "Marilla…I don't think that everything's okay. I know I act like it sometimes, but that's just because it's less painful that way. I try to be brave for you and Hallie, and I've been thinking this whole time that you don't want to be reminded of what happened. You told me you didn't like the sympathy."
"From other people," she says as she sits down on the floor. Her eyes are still avoiding mine. "You're family. You loved Kai, too. Aren't you supposed to care a little more?"
I join her on the floor and rest my chin on my knees. "Believe me, I do care. I see him every day and night. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt this way. We can talk now if you want to."
"I don't know what I want," she says, sounding defeated. "All I know is that this sucks. Even my parents act like they're okay, but they aren't fooling anyone. I hear my mom cry every night. I just want to be strong. It's a lot harder now than it used to be."
"I know, I know," I coo as I rest a hand on her shoulder. "You are strong; always have been. A lot stronger than me, actually. Never forget that." We listen to the sound of crickets outside my window for a few moments before I think of something else to say. "Since I won, I've been wishing that there were instructions to tell me exactly how I should feel. Whether I should put the Games behind me or remember and accept them. There's so many feelings I don't know how to deal with. All I can do is keep moving and redefine who I am. Find a way to live again. That's what you should do, too."
She ponders that for a moment. "I'll try. I promise not to get in any more fights at school."
"What?! You got in a fight?!" I ask, my voice high-pitched with alarm.
Marilla finally meets my eyes. "I knew you weren't listening this morning!" At least she doesn't sound mad about it.
"Oh." I sigh heavily. "Sorry. That was really rude of me. I guess I was just a little distracted."
A small smile comes to her face. "Distracted because you wanted to go swimming with Alec Calder?"
"Something like that," I answer. I think back to us on the beach, and that threatens to take over my mind completely. The wide smile returns to my face.
I'm brought back by my cousin's laugh. "I can tell just from your face right now. Let me guess, kissing at sunset on the beach? I know you're into sappy stuff like that."
My face flushes red immediately. That only makes Marilla laugh harder. "I knew it!" she says between laughs. I'm a little embarrassed, but it doesn't outweigh my relief at seeing her laughing when she looked so depressed minutes ago.
I grab the nearest pillow and toss it at her playfully to silence her. "Alright, that's enough. Nice chat, kid. I need to go take a shower and change now."
"Kid? I think you're forgetting I'm almost thirteen. Besides, I was practically babysitting my older brother by the time I was ten."
I smile at that. "I hope you realize you're still going to be my baby cousin no matter how old you get."
Marilla rolls her eyes. "Like I said, you're into sappy stuff," she comments as she exits my room.
The next few months roll by quickly as all of us discover what it means to learn to live again. It's not easy, but things get better with each passing week and it gets easier to focus on the now. My live divides itself into different facets. Mornings are spent with my parents and sometimes out on my dad's boat. I usually go over to Alec's during the day and hang out with friends from school in the evening. The days conclude with a family dinner. It isn't until night that my subconscious takes free reign and subjects me to all the memories I would rather forget. More often than not, I wake up screaming, images of Blade's detached arm and Kai and Osten's lifeless bodies fresh in my mind.
Alec and I start off by taking things slowly and we get closer and closer as time goes on. Close enough to where when I wake up on what would have been Kai's sixteenth birthday and have a full blown panic attack at three in the morning, I feel comfortable going to his house so I can cry into his shoulder and know I have his support. I remember Alec and Kallan saying that victors are stuck with each other. They are, but the real truth is that victor's need each other. We have scars that go far deeper than the average person's. We've seen too much. There are some things that I could never discuss with my family simply because they wouldn't understand. The foundation of the relationship between Alec and I is the mutual understanding. We can comfort each other when things get rough, and it doesn't stop us from having carefree fun other days. I've always felt bad for the districts that have no victors to mentor tributes in the Games. Now I think that it's much worse to have only one victor. That person would surely be very lonely.
If I were never reaped, I would be living a normal life in my last year of school. It's hard to think how different everything would be. Alec and I would never have met. It's not impossible for a victor to connect with someone who has never been in the arena, but it is infinitely more difficult. There was a time when I thought I would lose all of my friends from the past because I am a changed person. It turns out that was a pointless worry, too. I can still reconnect with the old me when I hang out with Coral and Kate. I listen to hours of what's going on at school despite the fact that I don't go anymore. We still go down to the pier and have sleep at each other's houses, even though it's safe to say my house is the favorite destination now. However, things will never be exactly the same as they used to be. I've learned to accept that.
One thing victors are required to do is find a talent to practice in their spare time. Alec's is art. I spend hours watching him draw in his sketchbook and have tried to replicate his careful strokes without any success. My mother is the one who suggests I try knitting. At first, I'm resistant because I have always thought of it as a hobby for little old ladies. I'm genuinely surprised when I find that I love it. It has the same therapeutic effect as knot tying does. Rhythmic, soothing, and, ultimately, distracting. Within a few months, I create tons of pastel-colored blankets, tote bags, swim suit cover-ups, and socks. My mother takes to it as well. She enjoys spending time with me as we help each other morph thread and yarn into something useful.
Overall, life is good. Tiny bits of happiness are what keep me thriving, whether it be vibrant flowers in bloom or the gleam in little children's' eyes as they grab food on parcel days. My cousins' laughter or the little lines that form on the edges of Alec's mouth when he smiles. There's a reason I fought to survive in the arena, and this is it.
Things fall into a state of relative normalcy after a while, so I am taken by surprise when Isidora Satin appears at my front door early one winter morning. I had all but forgotten about the upcoming Victory Tour. It had seemed too far into the future to give any thought over. Now that it's here, I'm perplexed as to where the last six months went.
"Ah! Mags! Tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how excited are you for this trip?" Isidora chimes. She pauses for about half a second and then continues before I have time to respond. "Don't tell me! I bet it's a ten. It's a ten for me, too! Oh, do you remember those shoes I bought you to match mine? It started a trend in the Capitol! Me, a trend setter!"
"That's great, Isidora," I say, still shocked to find her at my front door. She looks pretty similar to how I remember her. Gaudy clothes with bright patterns, purple lipstick, and massive pink curls. The only differences are a few streaks of lime green in her hair and a yellow tattoo that spirals around her left cheek. I can't help but wonder why so many people in the Capitol get permanent tattoos when the popular fashions are constantly changing.
She looks so excited that I would feel bad telling her I completely forgot about the Victory Tour. I settle for asking what time we will be leaving.
"We start interviewing you on your talent at noon. The train leaves at precisely one o'clock," she answers automatically. "Now go to your bathroom and get undressed. The prep team will meet you in a moment." She gives me a little shove and I'm off.
It's been a while since I've been through prep work, so it will take some adjustment to be comfortable with being naked in front of the team again. I pull off my pajamas and undergarments before covering myself with a fluffy white towel.
I smile when the trio walks in. They were all very kind to me in the Capitol. The twins look the same. They are dressed identically, but, as usual, all of Faria's clothes are soft lavender while Zia's are a butterscotch yellow. Soma looks a bit different because he has changed his hairstyle to spiky.
"Nice to see you again, dear. How have you been?" Faria asks in her motherly tone.
"Not bad. I've managed," I answer truthfully.
"I'm glad to hear that," she responds as she begins inspecting my nails.
The prep work takes about an hour. Even though some aspects of it are unpleasant, I don't mind because the team makes me feel very comfortable. They squeeze my hands in support as we wait for Lilith to walk in. As far as I know, there will be no complicated costumes for this tour. Probably just a bunch of nice clothes and evening gowns.
Lilith is characteristically angry when she walks in. I only hear bits and pieces of what she is angry about through comments like: "And then I told her that she's the worst employee I've ever had! I mean, really, how could she forget to ship the pearl buttons?! She disgusts me!"
"Is it the same lady who forgot the octopus arms?" I ask after five minutes of her angry speech. It sounded eerily similar to the rant she was in the middle of the time I first met her. That time, she was angry because someone forgot to ship part of the costume I was supposed to wear to the opening ceremonies. To this day, I'm still thankful I was saved from being dressed as an octopus.
"No," she says, staring at me intently as if impressed I remembered. "That was Gretchen. This time it was her neice, Sylvia, who inconvenienced me with her carelessness. To think I tried to help out that family!" she finishes, exasperated. She sighs then. "That's not something you need to worry about. Let's get you dressed."
Since we aren't due to arrive in District Twelve until tomorrow, my outfit today doesn't have to be quite as formal. Lilith presents me with a pair of black pants that are so tight fitting that they squeeze my legs. It is beyond me why anyone would want to wear something so uncomfortable. Apparently, comfort has no place in fashion. A pair of black boots that lace up to my knees fits right over the pants. I am given a short-sleeved ruffled white shirt and a thin-yet-fleecy grey sweater to put over it. It's all thrown together by an expensive looking scarf that wraps around my neck.
Honestly, it isn't cold enough outside to be dressed like this. District Four winters are mild and slightly bipolar. The temperature will dip low enough to walk outside with a jacket and sweatpants, only to rise to the point where you wear shorts and sweat the next day. At least today is more of a sweatpants day.
When I come downstairs, I notice that all the things I have knitted have been arranged nicely in the living room. The interview is short and painless. I simply show off my favorites and talk about how it's a nice hobby to pass the time. I add that it helps me to keep my hands busy when I'm anxious.
Before long, it's time to go. I hug my mother goodbye and tell her to pass the message onto my father and the rest of the family. I wish I would have known I was leaving today so I could tell them bye. My father is out on the boat with his brother and the girls are at school.
Isidora escorts me to the train station and I am glad to see Alec is already there. Since he was my mentor, he gets to come with me to each district. I make my way over to him and stand on my tiptoes to give him a quick kiss. Isidora eyes us peculiarly.
"I can't believe you still think I'm going to fall for that," she says disapprovingly. I giggle when I realize what she's talking about.
Alec laughs, too. "Actually, it isn't a prank anymore," he tells her.
Isidora just frowns and shakes her head. "I know you two think I'm dense. I'll show you. I'm not falling for it this time!"
"Suit yourself," Alec says with a shrug.
"Is Kallan coming with us?" I ask Alec.
"We're going to meet him in the Capitol. All the victors will be there."
I hadn't really thought about meeting the other victors. Well, we've all been through the same thing, so maybe I can make a few friends and pick up some tips for mentoring. Then again, I won when the tributes they were responsible for died…I'm not sure I want to meet Osten and Kim's mentors.
Alec must see my expression because his next words are exactly what I need to hear. "Don't over think it, Mags. It'll be fine."
"You're right," I say confidently.
The rest of the night is spent listening to Isidora and Lilith go on and on about who wore what and who cheated on who in the Capitol. It's a little funny because it's clear the two can't stand each other. Isidora's too happy and chirpy, while Lilith is hostile and pessimistic. It only takes thirty minutes for Lilith to make a rude comment that offends Isidora and start a heated argument. Psshh, they call the Hunger Games entertainment. They should just make a show about angry Capitol women fighting. That's entertaining.
Almost all of the tension dissipates the second dinner is served. There's really nothing that can compare to the delicacies of the Capitol. I eat until I'm full, and then a little more. My stomach feels so heavy that all I want to do is curl up on the sofa next to Alec and watch him sketch. I lean against the fabric of his maroon shirt and do just that for the next hour. After a while, we start playing a game where one of us draws something and the other has to guess what it is. Of course, my drawings are pathetic in comparison, but it's still possible to guess what they are. Usually.
Alec subtly taps me on the shoulder and directs my attention to Isidora, who is still watching us curiously. I look back at Alec and we share a communicative glance. Our situation is different now than it was the last time around, but why not take the chance to mess with Isidora for old time's sake? We can lay it on extra thick just to confuse her and watch her reaction. I have to suppress my laughter as I pull myself even closer to Alec to where I am practically on top of him and throw my arms around him. I rest my head on his shoulder and smile as I press kiss after kiss up his neck.
Alec kisses my cheek and takes the opportunity to whisper in my ear. "Just look at her," he says. I allow myself a quick peek and have to turn back immediately so I won't ruin it with laughter. She has the same gaping mouth and bewildered eyes as last time.
"Ugh, just get a room," Lilith sneers before getting up and walking down the hallway.
We keep it up for maybe twenty minutes before I start getting tired and announce that I'm going to bed. The room looks a lot like the one on the train last summer. I have to wonder if it is the same train since I'm sure most look identical. Could this be the room I cried in right after saying goodbye to my family? I try to banish those thoughts from my brain as I change into a nightgown and settle down between the heavy white sheets.
With all the reminders of my experience in the Capitol that today has brought, it is no surprise that my sleep is filled with nightmares. I find myself in the final seven in the arena, only my fellow tributes are Alec, Isidora, Lilith, and the prep team. We are all gathered in the grass clearing surrounding the cornucopia. It is clear that this is the final fight. What I can't understand is how anyone could expect me to kill these people. I sit down and feel the high grass brush against me. The sky is already turning dark and foreboding just as it does before the downpour as I make a speech on how we have to all stick together.
Soon, I find out that there are more tributes left than I thought. Kim and the girl from Seven jump out from the trees and start slicing into and chopping away at the others. I am glued to my spot in the grass, and all I can do is scream and beg them to stop, to kill me instead. I have already watched Kai, Blade, and Crystal die when I tried to protect them. I can't take any more of this. But they don't stop. When the others are dead, Kim kills Seven and finally makes her way to me. Then she jumps on top of me and grips my neck to strangle me.
I wake up screaming and shaking. I tell myself to calm down because none of it was real, but then I become aware of something laying on top my neck and face. Kim! Survival instincts take over, and I claw away at the weight on top of me while screaming and thrashing. It takes a full minute for me to realize that it was just a pillow. One of the expensive kinds that are filled with foam instead of feathers. Now it is laying ripped apart across the bed, little pieces of foam lying here and there. This is embarrassing. I try to quickly scoop up all of the foam and hide it in the pillow so an avox can pick it up later.
Thankfully, the rest of the morning is an improvement. I am kept busy by prep work and breakfast. We arrive in Twelve right on time. As soon as I step out the train, I become aware of why Lilith dressed me in so many layers. The cold air pierces me through my thick coat, and there is even a thin layer of snow on the ground. The next thing I notice is my surroundings, and it's not pretty.
My school teachers have not exaggerated the poverty in Twelve. The whole place seems drained of color and hope. Coal dust mixes in with the little bit of snow to make it sickly grey. The houses are tiny and have holes in the foundation. There is a crowd of people here to watch my arrival, but none of them look happy to be here. Come to think of it, I can't come up with one reason why they should be. It only takes one look for me to tell that this district really could have used the perks of winning. Everyone has hollow cheeks and grim expressions. Their thick clothes can't hide how skinny and malnourished they are.
It would be inappropriate to pretend to be happy here. I know it's completely out of my control, but I feel like I need to do something to help these people because this isn't right.
I am escorted to Twelve's town square, where I am given a plaque and a half-hearted speech from the mayor congratulating me on my win. Then I am handed a pre-prepared speech to read. I set it on the podium and try to alternate between reading the words and looking out into the crowd. In a way, it's a good thing that someone made the speech for me because I would start nervously talking in circles if I had to make it up on my own. What I don't like is how fake and selfish it sounds. I'm almost to the bottom of the page when I look up and catch sight of the fallen tributes' families. They look even more broken than the rest of the crowd. I think back to the little girl from Twelve. She was tiny, scared, and sensitive, and everyone knew she didn't stand a chance. I don't think the boy survived the bloodbath, either.
My pause has grown too long, so I look back at the paper and desperately try to find where it was I left off. I know I was somewhere near the bottom. The passing seconds start making me nervous. With a deep breath, I push away the paper and decide to finish this on my own.
"I'm really sorry for everything that's happened," I say sympathetically. "There's only one thing I have to ask of you, and that's to not give up hope. Life can be painful, but there are always bits of happiness to even it out. Please, just don't give up. Best of luck to you, District Twelve."
Thousands of eyes are staring up at me, interested for the first time. They look like they expect to hear more, but I can't think of anything to say that wouldn't be repetitive. "That's all," I add quietly and awkwardly before stepping away from the podium. Some people clap for me. It isn't an overwhelming response. Still, it's nice to hear because it sounds genuine this time.
That night, we have dinner with the mayor. He's a pretty decent guy, and the food isn't bad, even if it's nothing spectacular. I get the feeling Twelve isn't too big on parties. On the way back to the train, Isidora shares her thoughts on the experience.
"It will be a relief to get out of this place. Everything is so dull! And that dinner, oh, you would think they weren't even trying!"
"I think it's the best they can do. No one could ask them for anything more," I say, taking up for the poor district.
This silences her for a few minutes. Then, when we are stepping onto the platform, Isidora gets some coal dust on her pants, and you would think it was the end of the world. She makes a comment about how she doesn't understand why her life has to be so hard, causing Alec to shoot her a death glare. He's about to say something, but I'm really not in the mood to see them fight.
I grab Alec's hand and shake my head to say "Let it go. It's not worth your time."
"Are all districts like that?" I ask him later that night.
"Most aren't that bad," he answers as he absentmindedly twirls a piece of my hair. "Four, One, and Two are the nicest by far."
I want to talk about how disgusted I am that there are kids with their ribs showing in Twelve while we gorge ourselves with food, but it's clear that this isn't the time or place. The train is most likely bugged.
Over the next two weeks, my life falls into a certain pattern: Breakfast, prep, ceremony, speech, change into evening clothes, dinner, party, sleep, nightmares, wake up screaming, then breakfast all over again. I've had nightmares for the last six months, but being on a Capitol train and reliving the Games each day makes them ten times worse. They are so awful and vivid that I eventually take to not sleeping at all. Instead, I lean against the bed frame and stare emptily up at the ceiling as I tie knot after knot into a rope the twins managed to get me. Every now and then, I slip away, only to jolt awake when the beginnings of a dream form before my eyes. Each morning, the prep team smears concealer over my dark circles and pleads me to get more sleep.
I learn certain things about each district. Eleven has endless miles of sugarcane on one side of the railroad and towering orchards on the other. At first, it seems more lively than the color-drained Twelve, but it soon becomes apparent that it's equally bad. The houses are tiny shacks, Peacekeepers are brutal, and the people seem even more overworked and drained than I thought possible.
Ten and Nine are fairly similar. Both have huge, open fields, though the former contains livestock while the later focuses on food production. The people don't look much happier than they did in Eleven and Twelve.
Eight is filled to the brim with huge factories and an unpleasant smell hangs in the air. I'm horrified to see that several people in the crowd have amputated limbs from what must have been factory mishaps. Seven doesn't seem as bad as the others. Pine trees dominate the landscape and the people at least look strong and fiery. The sole victor from that district exchanges a few words with me at dinner, mostly about the twelve year old boy I killed in order to spare him from a slow and painful death.
Six and Five blur together in my mind. We skip right over Four and head straight to Three. The inhabitants there are predominantly dark-haired with ashen skin. I've always thought it was odd that Three isn't as wealthy as the others located close to the Capitol. My only guess is that the President thinks it's too risky to give them any power when they have technology equal to that of the Capitol.
Two and One are better in some ways and worse in others. It's better because the surroundings are more similar to that of my own district and people don't look beaten down and depressed. What makes it worse is that I had connections to the tributes of these districts. I never did anything to upset Blade's family, but I get too nervous to read my speech when I see Kim's relatives frowning at me. If it weren't for me, she would have returned home to them. In One, Crystal's family thanks me for helping her. Ten minutes later, I get cursed out and nearly attacked by Osten's older brother.
By the time we reach the Capitol, I feel drained. However, that doesn't keep me from putting on a brave face and brushing off everyone's concerns. I know from Alec that rule number one of being a victor is to be excited about the Capitol and the Games. I'm miserably sleep deprived and this trip has made me hate the Capitol more than ever, but I can manage the enthusiastic winner for at least one night, if that's what it takes to keep those I love safe. It's easy to be strong when there are others counting on you.