A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! We passed the forty mark! This chapter was kind of a struggle to write because I've been cramming a summer's worth of homework and it's left me feeling really uncreative. I hope y'all enjoy it regardless and don't find it too choppy. Oh, and I replied to my two guest reviewers at the bottom :)
In a way, the crowd of bustling Capitol citizens almost looks like the tropical fish that swim around District Four's coral reefs. They share the same bright colors and quick-paced movement that is both chaotic and harmonious. It's interesting just to sit back and observe them. They look harmless, but, just like in every coral reef, there is an array of dangerous predators lurking in disguise.
I watch them now and think of home as dinner is served on the table directly in front of me. All of them look thrilled to be able to attend one of the most prestigious parties of the year. I was shipped here directly after my interview with Nathaniel Flickerman. It was pretty easy, actually. All I had to do was gush. Did I have fun on my tour of the districts? Of course I did! How does it feel to be back in the Capitol? Oh, it's the most exciting thing I can imagine and it's such an honor to be here! I managed to answer everything in that manner without letting any sarcasm seep into my voice, which is quite an accomplishment.
Now I'm seated with the other eleven victors at the end of a long table for twelve. Next to me is a young boy from Three who won the year before me. No one expected much of him, but the arena was mostly water that year, and he knew a few things about electronics. The end result wasn't pretty.
I make a few attempts to start a conversation with him, but we only exchange a few words before an awkward silence falls upon us. Neither of us know what to talk about, so I take to studying the rest of the victors at the table. Including me, three are from District Four. One and Two each have a duo of victors. I make a mental note to watch out for them next year because I'm sure Four's recent success will immediately put a target on my tribute's back.
The other five victors hail from Districts Three, Five, Seven, Eight, and Ten. Once again, I think about how hard it must be to be the only victor in a district. There would be no one to turn to when flashbacks and regrets claw at your mind. Despite this, most of them seem to be in good spirits tonight. I don't know if it's the atmosphere or just the fact that they get to socialize with other victors for a change. Over time, I'm sure I'll make friends with some of these people, too.
After dinner, I make my way over to Alec just in time for some Capitol woman to barge in between and ask for a dance. He looks over her shoulder to me in concern, but I just give a little nod to let him know I'm okay with it. I understand that it's his job to keep the people in the Capitol happy. As they glide onto the dance floor, I see a few other victors are there as well. It's those select few that I see on T.V. and advertisements a lot more; the most popular of the popular. I used to dislike them for that. Now I know it means they probably made a mistake in the past and got roped into being figureheads. How many of them have had a loved one die in an "accident"?
Still, I can't say for sure that all of them are enthusiastic about the Games for that reason. Kallan is always energized and pumped for the Games, but over the past few months, I've learned that it's more of a coping strategy for him. It's ironic that he buries his bad experiences in what caused them in the first place, though apparently very effective. Different things work for different people. It fits with his personality, anyway. He is the constantly-smiling life of the party. Even though I know him better now, I still find it hard to tell how much his time as tribute affected him because he just seems like an all-around happy person.
I'm hovering around the desserts table and tugging at my skin-tight silver evening gown when a voice from behind makes me jump. I spin around to see the victors from Five and Seven standing beside me.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I was just going to say that socializing with people here will help you get sponsors in the summer. Everyone here is rich," says Timber, the victor from Seven. I talked to him for a while I was in his district. He is in his mid-twenties and has closely cropped brown hair and matching brown eyes.
"Oh, thank you. That's a really good point," I reply. I look out into the crowd and consider moving, but quickly decide that I'm not really in the mood for socializing. The effects of sleep deprivation are starting to catch up with me, and I just feel tired and weak.
"Well are you going to go?" Timber asks in confusion.
"All I really feel like doing right now is taking a nap," I answer honestly.
Both him and the young woman from Five laugh good-naturedly at that. "Ah, yes. Victory Tour insomnia," the girl says. She looks much different from her male counterpart. Her hair is styled into a honey blonde bob and her eyes are blue on the edges with a rim of gold in the center. I recognize her, but it's clear she's flown under the radar since she won. "I'm Sola, by the way. It's nice to meet you, Magnolia," she adds.
"Nice to meet you, too, Sola. Please, call me Mags," I say with a smile.
"I like Magnolia. It's elegant," she says. "Is it okay if I call you that?"
"Sure," I say with a shrug. Most people, including me, just think it's a mouthful. I'm sure my parents would enjoy hearing someone actually use the name they picked out.
"You looked really lonely here by yourself. Where are the others from Four?" Timber asks.
"I think Kallan's having a drinking contest with District One, and Alec…well, he's busy," I answer, my mouth falling into a frown at the last part. I glance across the ballroom and see that he's surrounded by a group of women now. I'm not jealous. I completely understand. I'm not jealous, I repeat to myself. It's true that I understand, but I can't even convince myself that I'm not a tiny bit jealous.
Timber and Sola follow the direction of my eyes and look at each other in understanding. "Why don't you come sit with us?" Sola offers.
I accept. We go back to the long table and talk about our lives for a while. I learn that Timber became a lumberjack at age fifteen and still chops down trees even now that he's rich because there it's better than sitting home all day. Before she was reaped, Sola made extra money for her family by helping pave a few roads in Five. Now she spends her time focusing on gymnastics, which is her passion.
Both of them are drinking, so I pick up a wine glass and drink with them. No one seems to care that I'm underage. If anything, they encourage that sort of thing in the Capitol. I'm not even sure if Sola is old enough to legally drink. I figure she's about borderline. I drink about two glasses, not enough to get drunk, but I start feeling a little different. It's like the edge has been taken off and I'm much more at ease. My thought process works a little slower than my words.
It seems like I'm a little braver, too, because I don't hesitate when I say, "Don't you two ever get mad that things are the way they are? I didn't realize my respect for the Capitol could be any lower until I saw how they treat the other districts."
Both of them glance around nervously. Finally, Timber speaks up. "You shouldn't say things like that. You're new so you probably don't understand, but it's not safe."
I shake my head. "No, I know all about what they do. I know that I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I doubt they're listening right now. It's too loud," I remind him.
"Just lay low and be happy with what you have," Sola adds. "Believe me, you're actually one of the lucky ones, so I don't see why you're worried about the other districts."
"Because it's not right! It doesn't matter if it has no impact on my life. There are still thousands of people starving to death and that has to change," I say, my voice rising enough for the other two to shush me before someone can hear.
"It's sweet that your selfless and all, but that's the kind of talk that will get your whole family killed," Sola counters, and I know she's right.
"I know," I say, softly now. "It's just frustrating."
Frustrating. I think that's a good word to describe this whole experience. The old Mags probably wouldn't have been one to fight for change. I'm pretty easy-going, but I've always hated to see other people hurting. Now that I've been exposed to widespread pain and suffering, I feel like I need to do something to help, but I can't gamble with my family's lives. The country is still broken from the Dark Days, anyway. There's nothing I can do. Suddenly I feel really small and weak. The only hope I can hold onto is that we will get a more fair president in the near future. Burns is already really old.
I grab for another drink because I liked the confident feeling the last two gave me. I've only taken a few sips when Timber takes it away. "Slow down," he says, his brown eyes cautious. "Something tells me this isn't the best time for you to have impaired judgment."
I'm not sure what to say to that, but I don't fight him on it. Just then, I see Alec walking over to join us, and I let a smile take over my face.
"You survived," I say as I exhale in relief.
"Just barely," he comments as he pulls a chair next to us. "One woman who took a picture with me looked really ridiculous. I thought I was going to break down and laugh. Look, there she is."
He points across the room and I immediately know who he's talking about. The first thing I notice is that her hair is molded into a rainbow heart. She has three eye tattoos on her face: one between her actual eyes and the others on her cheeks. Every other inch of visible skin is covered tattoos of mini rainbows.
Either I really am a little tipsy, or the delirium is setting in, because I find it ridiculously hilarious. I have to pause to laugh several times while I say that I'm nicknaming her rainbow fish. The second it's out, I realize it doesn't make sense to the others, so I explain to them how I was thinking all the bright colors and movement makes the scene look like a coral reef. This prompts Timber and Sola to ask what a coral reef is, and that drives our conversation for a while.
People start leaving around one in the morning. Isidora materializes in front of us to ask for help with getting Kallan to the train. I say goodbye to my new friends from Five and Seven.
Sola hugs me. "Good luck, Magnolia. Just…be careful about what you say," she reminds me very deliberately.
When she's gone, I notice Alec looks confused. Oh, right, he wasn't there for that conversation. "Mags, what was that about?" he asks.
"I don't know," I lie, and my eyes drift towards the ground, where the edges of my glittery dress touch the floor. I know he knows I'm lying. It's just that this isn't a conversation I want to have right now. After what happened to his mom, all of this has become a touchy subject for him.
I'm saved from further explanation by Isidora and Kallan. The latter really is a mess. He's saying things that don't make sense, and it's obvious he can walk steadily on his own. I support one of his burly arms as we make our way back to the train.
"We're going to have to take care of him tomorrow, aren't we?" I ask Alec when we've made it back. We've yet to step on the train and the cold wind swirls around us.
"Yep," he answers simply. Then he has another question. "Now that we're outside, what was Sola talking about?"
"I might have starting saying a few things about the Capitol," I admit. I say the words softly and quickly in hope that he won't fully hear them.
He does. "You said things about the Capitol at a party in the president's mansion?" he asks flatly.
"Sure, when you say it like that, it sounds kind of bad. It was loud in there! I swear no one heard me except for them."
"When are you going to drop all of this equality stuff? We agreed the most important thing is to lay low so no one gets hurt and you're doing the opposite. You can't change anything, Mags!" Great, he's annoyed with me now.
"This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it," I counter. "I know what I'm doing. I wouldn't have been so happy at the interview if I didn't. I get it, okay? Don't I still have a right to be mad at the Capitol, though? You do, too! If it weren't for them, your parents would still be alive!"
"Of course I'm mad! That doesn't mean I talk about it in public! You say you get it, but I don't think you do."
I run my hand over my face, probably messing up my makeup in the process. "I don't want to fight," I say calmly. "I'm not going to do anything to get my family killed. I know I'm not strong enough to fix Panem. I've been reminded of that enough tonight. Let's just pretend this never happened. I'm going catch up on sleep."
"I know you're just trying to do what's right, but you're playing with fire. Trust me, you'll never forgive yourself if something happens because of that. It would be so easy for the Capitol to get their hands on your little cousins," Alec says with a sigh. "Goodnight, Mags."
"Goodnight," I say weakly as I board the train.
Before the tour, I was just focused on my life and how I could learn to live again. Now it seems impossible that I could go back to that and forget everything I've seen. It takes a while of constant self-distraction, but after a few months, the fire really does fade. I still want life to be fair. The difference now is that I have my priorities in order, and number one on the list is to make sure no one gets hurt. I fall back into the pattern of relative normalcy that has driven my life since I've won.
Being away for the Capitol makes it much easier to sleep at night and I learn to appreciate the little things in life again. My eighteenth birthday falls in the spring. I pictured it to be bittersweet because so much has changed in the past year, so I am pleasantly surprised when I enjoy my day. When I watch my class graduate in May, I don't feel sad that I'm not with them. I've accepted my life, and that's all there really is to healing.
The tension starts to build back up steadily as the reaping approaches. I don't know how I'm going to stand getting to know a kid just to watch her murdered before my eyes. Mostly, I worry about Marilla's name being called at the reaping. I know the odds are completely against it, but then I think of Crystal, who was the second child in her family to die in the Games. All I can do is pray that the system isn't rigged. I'm thankful that Hallie is still safe for one more year.
A few days before the reaping, I walk out onto the beach to see two boys who look to be about nine or ten laughing and fighting each other with tridents. I feel my face grow pale as I hear them argue about which one of them will win the Hunger Games in the future.
I've given some thought to how I feel about training. Now that I've actually been through the Games, I can see where it would be useful just to be prepared for if your name was called. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. What I don't like about training is that it twists people's minds and tricks them into believing they have a better chance at winning than everyone else. If they knew what the arena was really like, they would never want to go in, no matter how much honor it would bring to the district.
As I watch the boys now, I know it's only a matter of time before Four goes down the same path as One and Two and opens a Career training school.
That night, Marilla and Hallie sleep over because no matter how much is different now, we are still keeping our reaping day tradition. When I wake up, I take a moment to close my eyes and remember this day last year. I woke up at my aunt and uncle's house. Marilla was squished against my back and I had to pull the thin mattress out from her and Hallie to wake them up. Kai was sleeping on his own bed on the other side of the room. I had no idea that he would volunteer or that my name would be called.
Somewhere out there, two teenagers are waking up right now, completely unaware that they will be on a Capitol train in mere hours. Completely unaware that no matter what happens in that arena, their lives change today, and there is no going back.
I gulp as I shift through my closet and see the green button-down dress I wore last year. Even though I don't really believe in bad luck, my experience with that dress is enough for me to never want to touch it again. I pull on another dress that is simple by Capitol standards and head to the guest bedroom to wake up my cousins.
They are already awake when I walk in. Marilla is pacing around the room and Hallie looks close to tears. I sit next to Hallie and wrap my arms around her. "Are you nervous?" I ask Marilla. I think I said something similar last year, but it seems ridiculous this time around, considering she's pacing.
"The odds are against me being picked," she answers to avoid saying "yes".
I wish I could comfort her.
After she has changed into a sky blue blouse and skirt, I reach up and help her with her hair. I still can't believe she's taller than me now. When did she grow up? I don't know how I missed that.
I want to walk them to the reaping, but I'm required to get there earlier so I can sit on stage with the other victors. I try to be calm as I walk to Town Square with Alec and Kallan. It doesn't work too well. By the time we get there, my breaths are shallow and my heart is racing.
Alec grips my hand in support. "It's going to be okay. I know you'll be great as a mentor."
"Thanks. I hope so," I say. I really want to curl up against him right now, but I don't think that would be acceptable at the moment. I have to look dignified as a victor.
The Square fills up with kids pretty quickly. Just like every other year, their faces look scared and sad. Just like people on a normal day in some of the poorer districts… I chase that thought away before it can grow.
My heart rate feels off as Isidora climbs onto the stage and does her long-winded introduction. As always, I block most of it out. Finally, she reaches into the reaping ball and pulls out the boy's name. In my nervousness, I don't quite catch it, but I see a smallish kid mope up to the stage. It's not long before he is replaced with a volunteer. A boy volunteer two years in a row. Yeah, we're definitely headed towards career status.
"Michael Harbor," the volunteer announces when Isidora asks for his name, and it's then I recognize him. He was in my grade back in school. I never really talked to him, though I think we might have had a class or two together a few years back. He looks like he's been working out for this moment because he's more muscular than I remember. His signature spiky blond hair remains unchanged.
All I can do is wonder why he would want to do this. District Four won only last year, so it's not like there's even a good chance of us winning again for a while. He just graduated. Why throw his life away now?
I forget all about Michael Harbor as Isidora reaches into the girl's ball. I feel the now familiar knots tearing away at my stomach as I remember how I felt at this moment last year. Please don't be Marilla. Please, please, pleaseee.
It's not. "Cyana Wilson!" Isidora calls.
A scream comes from the crowd, and my eyes flicker to the fifteen-year-old section. A young girl has her arms around who must be Cyana. "No, Cy! No, you can't go!" she cries, making a scene.
Peacekeepers approach to separate the friends and send Cyana on her way to the stage. When she climbs up the steps, I am able to get a better look at the girl I will be mentoring. She does not cry, but her big grey eyes are wide and terrified. Her dress is not long enough to hide the knocking in her knees. She has shoulder length curly brown hair and looks closer to my age than fifteen because she is shaped more like a woman than a girl.
I feel sad when I think that this girl will probably be dead in two weeks. If she dies a painful death, I will live knowing that she was my responsibility and I failed.
As the two tributes shake hands, I decide that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure Cyana Wilson gets home safely. What I can't help is that "everything in my power" may not be enough.
Flora: Aw, thank you so much! Your review made me smile :)
Dusty714: Thank you for reviewing again! :) I'm really, really glad that you're still enjoying the story. I'll be honest, I got a little lazy when I got to the districts part of the victory tour, so hopefully I can make up for that. Thanks again, and I hope this update doesn't disappoint!