A/N: 51 reviews?! That's incredible! I want to thank all of you so much! I honestly didn't expect to get much feedback when I started writing this so all of these reviews have made me extremely happy :) Also, updates will probably be every Saturday from here on out, unless I get free time during the school week.
The sun breaks through the overcast sky just as the new tributes head to the Justice Building to say their goodbyes. It seems almost inappropriate considering the situation. Sunlight overpowering gloomy clouds is usually considered inspirational or even triumphant. A dark, foreboding sky would make more sense today.
I have an hour of free time before I have to be at the train station. It passes very quickly. There's just enough time to say goodbye to my family and throw together a small suitcase of clothes I would rather wear than the outfits the Capitol provides. Just like this morning, I can't help but think back to how I felt at this moment last year. Terrified and empty. I didn't even feel strong enough to hold a conversation with anyone until I was able to let my emotions out in private.
Alec is already on the train when I get there because I told him I would meet him here. He's sitting in one of the now-familiar plush red chairs across from Michael. Cyana is near them, yet she seems distant. Her gray eyes are focused on the ground and her curly hair hides most of her face. I leave my suitcase near the door and go to greet them.
"Hey, how's everyone holding up?" I ask cautiously.
"Good," Michael answers automatically. "I think my favorite part so far are these chairs," he adds.
I have to smile at that. "They are nice chairs," I agree.
I immediately feel guilty about deciding that I'm going to help my tribute win no matter what. I've never even talked to Michael before, but he is a part of my past, no matter how small that connection may be. He's going to be one of the oldest tributes, and is also very strong, so maybe he actually stands a chance. Maybe. It's not likely that Four will win again so soon. Nevertheless, it would be good for our District if he survives, so I will try to help him out too, though my main priority is to help the girl.
"What about you, Cyana?" I ask, turning towards her.
She looks up and meets my eyes for a few seconds before shifting her gaze back to the ground. "Not great…I'm trying," she says in a voice so small it's barely audible. Her lip quivers a bit, and I think she's going to cry. She then takes a deep breath and pulls herself back together.
I rest a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I know, it's okay. There are rooms down the hallway that you can use if you need a personal moment." That's what I needed last year. I wonder if it will help her the same way.
She looks back up at me and tries to give me a small smile. "Thank you. I think I'm okay for now, but I might do that a little later."
Before I can reply to that, Isidora bursts through the door. Alec raises an eyebrow at her. "Isidora Satin, late? That's a first."
"It's not my fault!" she answers defensively. "I had to arrange for Kallan to be picked up by another train since he's not going to the training center. He gets to stay in a five-star hotel for the duration of the Hunger Games. Speaking of the Hunger Games, aren't you tributes just so excited?! The best part is that it's the thirteenth Games. Thirteen is a lucky number, you know!" she squeals.
I look at her in confusion. "Wait, I thought thirteen was an unlucky number. You know, like Friday the Thirteenth?"
Isidora stares at me blankly for a second. Then her expression changes to one of disapproval. "I don't know what you're talking about, Mags, but I'm sure these kids don't appreciate your pessimism," she says flatly.
"Friday the Thirteenth is a district thing," Alec explains for me. "You're supposed to be careful because it's considered bad luck."
Isidora just shakes her head. "While we're here, thirteen is a lucky number, and I don't want to hear otherwise." Just when I think she's done talking, she sees my suitcase lying in the middle of the floor. "Mags, you know better than to leave luggage laying around like this! You should have gotten an avox to take care of it."
"I'll get it," I say, once again feeling like Isidora has turned into a more colorful and bubbly version of my mother. I see Cyana giggle a bit at our exchange. Maybe it isn't such a bad thing, as long as it makes my tribute feel more comfortable here.
After I've brought my stuff to one of the rooms, I sit down in one of the chairs Michael was so impressed with. Alec speaks up first.
"Mike says he just graduated. Did you two know each other at school?" Alec asks me.
"Yeah, I didn't really know him, but I knew of him. I think we had a class together when we were around twelve."
"We did?' Michael asks, clearly surprised. "Which one?"
"Umm, I think it was Mrs. Netty's class? I remember the teacher was really OCD and you used to rearrange all the things on her desk."
"Oh, yeah," he says in recognition. "She deserved it. I didn't realize you were in that class. You must have been really quiet."
I shrug. "I guess. I didn't have any close friends in that class." It doesn't really surprise me that he doesn't know me. I was always the type of person who surrounded herself with a few friends. He was a lot more popular.
"I knew your cousin," Cyana speaks up shyly. "He was in the grade above me. My best friend had the biggest crush on him."
It's gotten much easier for me to talk about Kai, but all the memories swirling around in my head today makes her words puncture me a little harder than usual.
Cyana sees my expression. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
"No, it's fine," I tell her. "You didn't do anything wrong. A lot of girls liked Kai, didn't they?"
She relaxes visibly. "Yeah," she answers.
After a few more minutes of talking, everyone retreats to their rooms until dinner and the televised reapings recap. I go with Alec because I don't feel like being alone right now.
Sometimes when a day has been particularly draining, it's nice to just lay in silence, knowing the person next to you has your back but won't pressure you to talk. We lay on top the covers, half-propped up against a pillow. With my head rested against Alec's shoulder, I can faintly hear the beating on his heart. It's such a nice sound that I reposition myself to where my ear is against his chest.
Right now, I can't think of any sound better than a beating heart. It's so strong and vital, the definition of life itself. Both of us were thrown into an arena where twenty-three hearts were silenced, yet ours still beat just as they have since the day we came into this world. It's the only thing that has remained steady amidst all the change.
"Comfortable?" Alec asks as he draws his arm around me.
"Mhmm." I allow myself to close my eyes and focus on the beat.
A while passes before thoughts of the Hunger Games overpower the calm. "Can you believe it's been a year since we met? It seems like forever ago and only yesterday all at the same time. Does that make any sense?" I ask, opening my eyes and turning to look at his face.
"It does. So much has happened, but it's always the best and worst times that stick out in your memory."
"That's true. I wish I could get rid of the bad memories and save more good ones." I tense up when I realize that these next few weeks could only add to the bad memories. If they keep building up every year, how much room will be left for happiness? "I'm a little nervous about mentoring," I admit. I hope he doesn't mind the sudden jump in our conversation.
"It's better than being in the arena," he responds. That's really not saying much…
"Can you give me any tips?" I ask eagerly.
"You want me to mentor you on mentoring?" We both laugh at that.
"Yes," I answer, pulling myself closer to his face. "Sorry, but you can't escape being my mentor."
He smiles, and I love the way it lights up his face. "There's only so much you can do. Figure out what your tributes strengths are and help guide them into alliances. Come up with an interview angle. Get sponsors." His expression changes slightly at the last part and his green eyes flick away from mine.
"What about sponsors? I need to know, even if it's bad," I respond in a concerned tone.
"Nothing," he answers with a quick shake of the head. "Some people are just really hard to deal with. I'll help you with it. Anyway, once the Games start, you spend most of your time in the Mentor Room. There are a bunch of screens and maps and buttons. That's where you send parachutes to your tribute."
An idea pops into my head. "Do you think we can get our tributes to ally with each other? It would be a lot easier to help them if they stick together."
"Maybe. I haven't talked to Mike about that yet. You're right though, it would be better that way."
I nod and glance at the clock. "Any last words of advice before we go back out there?"
Alec think about that for a moment. "Don't get too attached," he says finally. "I made that mistake my first year…and last year. Definitely last year."
I blush when I realize what he means. "Then we both lucked out, didn't we?"
"You could say that." He erases the tiny distance between our faces by kissing me, and even now, my heart rate still goes crazy. After he pulls away, I think of something else to ask.
"What about your second year?"
"We didn't exactly get along at all. It's not like I was happy to see her die, but I didn't feel as guilty. I knew there was nothing I could do for her if she wouldn't accept any help."
"Oh. At least this year's tributes don't seem as stubborn," I comment.
"We should go see them now," he reminds me.
When we make it back to the living room, dinner is being served. Mike is circling the table in amazement. "Are other people coming eat with us?" he asks when he sees us.
"No, this is all for our little group," Isidora chimes in, and it's clear she's explained this a hundred times. I asked her the same thing last year.
"I'll go get Cyana," I say. I walk down the hallway, uncertain which door she's behind. A passing avox helpfully points it out to me. I knock on the door and wait for about a minute before the fifteen-year-old girl comes to the door. Her eyes are red, a dead giveaway that she was crying. Her hair's a little disheveled, too. Other than that, she looks fine.
"It's time for dinner. I know our escort over-exaggerates how exciting everything is, but I have a feeling you'll enjoy this," I say with a smile.
"Okay," she says in slight confusion. When she sees the table piled high with delicacies, her jaw literally drops. "All of this…this is…wow, just wow."
"Wait until you taste it," I say.
The five of us sit around the table. Mike and Cy dig into the food like they have never seen any in their lives, causing Isidora to reprimand them. Every few minutes, she pleads them to use their utensils and set their napkins on their laps. I'm sure I was the same way last year. By now, I'm used to it.
The reapings come on a little later, and I know it's just as crucial for me to get a good look at the competition this time around, even if I'm not competing.
The reapings in One and Two are a little different than last year. This time, there are two volunteers from One and only one from Two. It goes by too fast for me to remember much more about them, except that the girl who volunteered from Two looks a little like Cyana. She has the same curvy body and curly dark hair, but her face is shaped different and she looks more threatening than my tribute.
I try to compile a list in my head of anyone who stands out. As usual, it's just a handful of people. One thing that surprises me is that there is a volunteer from Nine. I'm not sure if the boy was just volunteering to save someone or really wants to play. He doesn't seem too excited, so I don't know whether I should respect him or label him as a threat. Another thing I notice is that the boy from Twelve looks strong, at least compared to that district's usual crop. I would probably root for the underdog districts if I didn't have my own to care for.
I wonder how others are analyzing District Four. It's definitely obvious that Michael is a physical threat, which is both good and bad. It will make a world of a difference when it comes to getting sponsors, but at the same time, it puts a huge target on his back.
Cyana isn't young enough to elicit sympathy or old enough to appear as a front-runner. She doesn't look brutal enough to come off as a threat. Then again, I don't consider myself brutal, either. I just barely held it together at my own reaping, yet it was me who came home alive. Not any of the volunteers.
Our group mulls over the competition for a while before we fall into more casual conversation. The train ride to the Capitol isn't all that long. We pull in front of the training center just before eleven. I think of Kallan and how he gets to stay in a nice hotel without the pressure of mentoring, and I have to admit that I'm a little jealous.
The rest of the night is uneventful. Within twenty minutes of our arrival, everyone goes to turn in for the night. I unpack my suitcase and brace myself for the onslaught of nightmares. They are brutal, just as they are every time I sleep in the Capitol. Awful memories cross my thoughts far too often to be ignored by my subconscious. But, just like always, I survive. In the morning, I take deep breaths as I look out the window and see the last trains arriving.
There's not much for me to do today, though the tributes will have to spend hours going through prep for tonight's opening ceremonies. I walk quietly through the halls and sit idly on the sofa while I wait for someone to wake up. After a while, Alec walks into the living area.
"Where's everyone at?" he asks loudly.
"Shh, the kids are still sleeping." After I've said it, I realize how it sounded. "I mean the tributes. That sounded really weird."
Alec laughs. "You would be the one to say something like that. We are kind of responsible for them in a way."
"Yeah, once you get past the fact that one of them is the same age as me," I add.
Maybe that sentence will be something I say a lot in the future. I can picture it now: peeking through bedroom doors to see little sleeping children and trying to be quiet enough not to wake them from their peaceful dreams. I want it to happen. I'm just not as sure now that having kids when I'm older is a good idea. Their lives would always be at risk…
Once I've started thinking about it, it's hard to stop. I weigh out the pros and cons as I pick at my breakfast an hour later. I'm only eighteen, so it isn't something I should have to put much thought into right now. I have all the time in the world. What's bothering me is that I always saw a big family as part of my future, even after I came home from the Games. It was part of the reason I fought so hard to survive. The difference is now I know more about how the Capitol arranges "accidents." It drives me crazy that the Capitol has this much influence over what I want in life.
"Mags, why don't you go bring Cyana to prep?" Isidora asks, effectively bringing me back to the present conversation.
"Okay. Are you ready?" I ask my tribute.
She suddenly looks really nervous. "How bad is it going to be? I don't feel comfortable with them …you know…seeing me naked." She blushes out of embarrassment.
"The prep team is really nice. I promise they won't make you feel uncomfortable. They're going to explain everything to you and, once you get past the waxing, the rest isn't bad at all."
She relaxes just a tad. "What about the stylist?"
"Lilith is a little rough around the edges, but it's something you get used to," I answer.
"Ugh, I can't stand Lilith. I'm sorry you have to deal with that disgusting human being," Isidora huffs. Someone can sure hold a grudge. Something tells me the short but heated argument they had six months ago wasn't the first. I shoot her a look that says 'Not Helping'.
"Forget about what Isidora said," I explain to Cyana as I guide her through the remake center. "They just don't care for each other. I'm sure Lilith will make you look beautiful."
"I just hope I don't look ridiculous. I'm crossing my fingers for a mermaid costume. I hate when they dress people as fish," she responds, and I nod in agreement.
"She dressed me as a sea goddess because scales weren't in fashion last year. I already saw some people wearing them when we got off the train, so it's pretty safe to say it's between a mermaid and a fish."
We reach the door then. "See you later," I tell her. She walks in and I am left without much to do. I know most of my free time in the next week will be spent getting sponsors, but there's no point in starting now. Panem hasn't even really seen the tributes yet. Besides, I'm not even sure how to go about getting sponsors.
Alec leaves about midday to make some television appearance, and I tell him I will go pick up Michael for him. When he comes out of prep a little while later, I see the stylists have decided on fish.
Mike is dressed in a scaly teal jumpsuit that stretches from his neck to his wrists and ankles. At least it is form-fitting enough to show he is muscular. Still, that doesn't make up for the ridiculous fish hat sitting on his head. The way it's lips are positioned makes it look like it is going to swallow Mike's head. The only other noticeable additions to the costume are triangular fins that jut out of his back and elbows.
"Don't you dare laugh," Mike warns me. "My stylist is an idiot. I wanted to punch her when she showed me the hat."
"Could've been worse," is all I say.
It takes a lot longer for Cyana to come out because girls have to go through more prep than boys. Hair, nails, and makeup are very time consuming. When she finally exits the door, I see she is in a similar outfit as Michael, only hers is much skimpier. My first thought is that the outfit is too revealing. How did Lilith even manage to make a fish costume revealing?
Cyana's outfit is made of the same scale-patterned jumpsuit material. Instead of covering her whole body, the fabric is fashioned into an extremely short skirt and is in patches over her chest. Her stomach and legs are painted in a scale pattern, but it is a much lighter teal than the color of the fabric. Under her matching creepy fish head, her hair has been straightened and now contains a streak of blue. Her makeup is also done in a light blue and her eyeliner makes her eyes look even bigger. She looks like an adult in this clothing (or lack thereof), except for her eyes, which are still childlike and innocent. In my opinion, fifteen is too young to be dressed like this.
I see Mike's eyes widen for a split second. "Wow, you look really good, minus the hat," he says.
"How do you feel?" I ask her.
"Exposed," she replies in her quiet voice.
"Do you want me to talk to Lilith for you?" I ask. "I could probably persuade her to give you a cover-up or something."
"You don't have to if you don't want to. I mean, it would be really nice and I'd appreciate it, but you don't have to," she answers.
"I'll be just a second, guys," I tell the tributes as I walk in the door Cyana just came out of.
The prep team is cleaning up various bottles, and they smile widely when they see me. Lilith isn't as enthusiastic. "What do you want?' she asks flatly.
"Do you think you could make Cyana's costume a little less…skimpy? She's kind of shy, and I want her to feel comfortable and not exposed."
Lilith groans. "Look, child, let me explain this to you. One: there isn't time. Two: Even if there was time, there would be no reason to change anything. The point of all the pre-Games events is to attract attention. We both know there's only one way that girl's going to get sponsors. I would have done the same for you if it was even an option. Trust me, it's a blessing they altered you."
Ouch. That personal dig at the end was a little unnecessary. I cross my arms over myself self-consciously. What really bothers me about her statement, though, is that I can't say she's wrong. There are a bunch of disgusting old men out there who will sponsor Cyana for the wrong reason. I don't think making her more comfortable now wins out against the opportunity to help her in the arena later. "Do you really think so?" I ask Lilith, unsurely now.
"I know so. I've been in this business for years," she says more calmly. "Now out, out! I have work to do!"
"Sorry for interrupting," I say, feeling defeated. I feel like going with this angle for sponsors makes me no better than the perverts who judge teenage girls on their bodies. But what else can I do?
"Sorry, Cy, they can't change it," I tell her once I'm back in the hallway.
"It's okay," she answers. Her voice sounds disappointed.
Later that night, I learn that Cyana's costume isn't the most revealing of the bunch. District Twelve's children are normally dressed as coal miners. This year, they are completely naked. The only thing that makes it a "costume" is the fact that they are covered in black coal dust, not that it hides anything. Their expressions are somewhere in between humiliated and furious.
"I take it back. I actually feel pretty covered now," Cyana says.
"If you feel nervous, just be thankful you aren't naked. That goes for you too, Mike." I tell them before I leave them by the chariot. When I get back to Isidora, I see Alec has returned.
"Did I miss anything today?" he asks.
I decide to play off the whole "kids" thing we talked about this morning. "Oh, you wouldn't believe how long it took to get the kids dressed and ready while you were at work."
Alec catches on immediately. "I heard there was a problem with the way our daughter was dressed. I can see why you wouldn't want her leaving the house like that," he says, but he starts laughing halfway through and it's impossible to take him seriously. Of course, that makes me laugh, too.
Isidora looks puzzled again. "I am so done with trying to understand you two," she says dramatically.
"Inside joke," I explain.
The three of us watch as the horses take off and the tribute parade begins. It looks like all fun and games now, but that can't hide the fact that these smiling and waving teens will be killing each other a week from now. Each of them will undergo the journey I did last year; the journey I wish I never would have been forced to take.
In the meantime, I will be undergoing a different journey. I will find out what it's like to get sponsors and watch over tributes in a control room. After I've learned, I will come back and repeat the process every year.
Michael and Cyana wave to us as they pass. I smile and wave back, and in that second, I remember Alec's warning earlier: Don't get too attached. The reality is that I can't protect them. Will I be able to get up and move on, unscarred, if they die?
I get the feeling that I'm already tottering dangerously close to the "attached" status, and it's only been a day and a half. This can't continue on for the next week. I've always known mentoring would be a challenge, but I'm just realizing how hard it is to get to know someone you will have to watch die.
Chapter 19 guest review replies:
Bigdreams: Thank you for the review! I hope you like this chapter : )
Dusty714: Thank you so much! I'm going to try to keep my chapters long, especially since I can't update as frequently now. I'm glad you're excited and I hope you enjoy Mags mentoring : )