A/N: I found some time to write this weekend! Thanks again for all the reviews and suggestions. We're starting to get close to 100 reviews! Oh, the first small time skip is near the end of this chapter. I might could've put it in a separate chapter, but there are going to be a lot of time skips anyway, so they may as well start now.
This year, our return is no big, celebratory homecoming. Town Square is pretty much empty when Alec and I step off the train. The only ones at the station are my two little cousins, who are sitting on top of a post, waiting expectantly.
They both jump down and run our way when they see us. I drop Alec's hand to embrace them when they reach me. I can't even explain how relieved I am to see they are okay. It's been three weeks since I left the thick, humid air and salty scent of District Four. Part of me was terrified something would happen while I was gone.
"Marilla, can you do me a favor and stop growing?" I say. I'm still not used to looking up to her. She's thirteen now, otherwise known as the age where girls can change overnight.
She sticks her tongue out at me. "You're just jealous that the tallness gene skipped you."
"Fine, you got me," I say with a roll of my eyes. "At least Hallie is still smaller than me." I ruffle the hair on top my littlest family member's head.
"Mags! You're messing up my flowers!" she pouts, readjusting the crown on her head. Then her blue eyes focus on something far away as if she is trying to remember something. "Oh, how was your trip?" she asks.
My smile almost falters, but I manage to keep it. I know Hallie has been through a lot since she lost her brother. She's just so young, and I'll always see her as the baby of the family. I instinctively want to protect whatever thin shred of innocence she has left.
"It was okay. I'm glad to be home," I say. A lie followed by a truth. "Where's everyone else?"
"They're all at your house cooking. They were going to come later, but me and Hallie came in case the train got here early, which it did," Marilla says nonchalantly.
"Your mom's gonna be happy to see you," Hallie chirps.
"Yeah, that would be for the best," Marilla adds. Then the two young girls exchange a knowing look.
"What's going on?" I ask worriedly.
"Nothing. You don't need to worry," Marilla says to calm me, as if I'm the child here and not her.
"Okay, let's go," I say, though I'm not one hundred percent mollified. "You coming, Alec?"
"Do you want me to?" he asks uncertainly.
"Of course! What kind of question was that?" I laugh and take his hand again.
"Aww," Hallie says, and Marilla snickers.
For the rest of the way home, Marilla makes comments like, "We'll see how long the family get-together lasts before you two end up running away to a room" and "I bet mentoring wasn't the only thing going on in the Capitol." I pretend not to hear her, but it's really hard to play it off like it's not affecting me when my face is turning red. Ugh, Marilla fills in the annoyingly embarrassing little sister role perfectly.
"And this is why we usually hang out at your house," I tell Alec.
He just laughs. "You're actually embarrassed," he says, like it's the funniest thing in the world.
"No," I protest, wishing my blush didn't give me away.
Once we reach the crashing waves of the beach, Victor's Village is only steps away. I'm smiling enough to make the edges of my face hurt as I walk up the stone steps. The response from my family is immediate as soon as I enter the house. They are all talking to me and hugging me at once, and it's hard to focus on all of them at the same time. My eyes drift from my uncle to my aunt, then to my father. I freeze when they reach my mother.
She's much skinnier than she was when I left a few weeks ago, and that's saying something because she was tiny before. Now she's way too thin; the unhealthy kind of skinny.
She's saying something as she hugs me, but I step back. "You lost weight. Mom, have you eaten anything since I left?" I ask, my voice getting higher with every word.
"Mags, baby, it's okay. I'm just happy to have you back," she says gently. I can see in her eyes that she was expecting this reaction from me.
"No, it's not okay! How could you do this to yourself? None of you made her eat?" I ask, looking around at the other adults.
"I tried…" my father says sadly.
My uncle looks around uncomfortably. "Hey, I just got a new piece for my boat. Maybe we should all go see it?" he announces. My aunt puts her arms around the kids and guides them out the door.
"I need to talk to Mom," I say as calmly as I can manage.
My father nods slowly and walks out the door, motioning for Alec to follow him.
"Listen baby, I can explain," my mother starts, but I shake my head in silence and walk across the kitchen, straight to the pot sitting on the stove. I grab a bowl and scoop out some creamy crawfish corn soup, deliberately filling it to the very top. After that, I walk back over to the table and set the steaming bowl down.
"Eat," I say, pointing at the soup.
"I'm really not hungry. Things will get back to normal. Just give me a chance to be happy you're back."
"You can be happy and eat at the same time. Please, eat. I won't be able to sleep until I know you won't starve to death," I say shakily.
My desperation must have the same effect as a small child begging in a pitiful voice because she listens. She sits in the chair and slowly sips the hot soup by the spoonful. I can't help but notice how bony her arm is as she reaches for the spoon.
"Why would you do this to yourself? It's not healthy," I say sadly.
My mother looks up, and I see she is crying. "I get so worried when they take you away. I knew you were coming back, but it reminded me so much of last year. I can't protect you when you're gone. I didn't dream the Hunger Games would even exist when you were born. Then the war broke out and everything happened. We worked twice as hard to make sure you and your cousins would stay safe. I was pregnant for a second child when they announced the Games. I miscarried, and I'm glad I did because I couldn't even protect one child, much less two."
"What?" I ask. "Mom, why am I just hearing all this now?" I ask sympathetically. I sit down next to her and put my hand over her smaller one.
"I didn't want to even think about it after it happened," she says miserably. "The point is I haven't done my job as a mother. All I wanted was for you to be safe and happy. It makes me sick that they can just take you away. Now you're having to take care of me when it's my job to take care of you."
I feel the my eyes getting watery yet again as I look at my mother. She's in her mid-forties, but she looks so much older from her gray-streaked hair and worry lines. The product of a life of stress. I'm sure I won't age too gracefully either after all the stress I've been through, but I have a long time before I have to worry about that. Right now all that matters is helping my mother realize none of this is her fault.
"Mama, there's nothing you could've done. It is what it is. You've protected me the best you could, and it's my job to protect you, too. I'm not a little girl anymore. I grew up, and I want you to be safe just as much as you want it for me." I feel a tear slide down my face, and I wipe if off immediately. "I thought I was done crying for a while," I say softly.
"You really are grown up," she says, putting a hand over her heart. "You'll understand what I mean one day, when you have kids of your own. It hurts so much to watch and not be able to help or protect you. It's the worst feeling."
"I know exactly how it feels," I admit, thinking back to watching the spear go through Cyana's frame.
"I'm sorry," my mother says. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about? You look sad."
"Thanks, but no thanks," I tell her. "We'll have to get back to knitting together later. I kind of ruined the whole get-together tonight."
"The whole point was to have you back, and now you're here. Nothing ruined," my mom says, and I decide to believe her.
There's other things I wish I could discuss with her, but I really can't. They fall under a category labeled "victor things." Besides, I can't see any benefit in telling my mom that while I was gone, I was sexually harassed and realized I hate my life. If me just being gone made her nearly starve herself, that would definitely send her over the edge.
For now, I'll just bury those experiences and try to enjoy my night. We let everyone know it's okay to come back in and, though it starts out a little awkward, things go well.
As the night comes to a close, I get really tired. I don't exactly like sleeping by myself anymore, but I get the feeling asking Alec to spend the night in front of my family wouldn't go over so well. Marilla would never let me hear the end of it.
That night, I go to sleep feeling strangely cold without a body pressed against mine. A few hours later, I am awoken not by my own screaming, but a different kind of screech. The sound works it's way into my dream before I jolt awake, panting hard. It sounds electronic, if that makes any sense. A few seconds later, an announcer's voice takes over and I realize it's the television.
The only time the TV's come on by themselves is when there is an emergency broadcast. This can't be good. I follow the booming sound downstairs and into the living room, beating my parents there.
The headline "Thirteen Victors Becomes Twelve" stretches across the screen, followed by the name "Bovina Herd." I know I recognize the name from a previous Games, but I can't place it with a face.
Then the picture comes up and I recognize her immediately. It's the mentor from Ten who kicked her chair after her tributes died. I look at her black hair in the picture and remember how she used it as a sheet to hide her face as she walked out.
My parents make it to the living room a moment later, and I am still staring at the screen, dumbfounded. A Capitol reporter appears on screen and starts talking as words flash underneath him.
"The body of District Ten victor Bovina Herd was found at 1:30 A.M. inside her house in Victor's village. Peacekeepers have not determined the cause of death, but it appears to be a horrible accident. More details to follow."
It switches to President Burns, who looks even older than usual. I guess he wasn't expecting to make a television appearance tonight…or was he? That girl looked desperate after her tributes died. She might've done something out of anger that made her a threat to the Capitol… I didn't think they could ever actually kill a victor. Their families, yes. Make the rest of their already sad lives as miserable as possible. This must have been something different altogether. I struggle to listen to Burns' gravelly, aged voice to make sense of what happened.
"I can assure everyone that this was only an accident. The idea of a suicide is preposterous. Victors are provided with everything they could ever want. They are at the top of society in this country. What reason would Bovina have had to be unhappy? We do our best to take care of the victors we all hold dear to our hearts, so it's devastating that something like this happened. Her body will be shipped to the Capitol immediately, and we will have a memorial service in City Square preceding the burial."
After that, the scene switches to other reporters debating the circumstances surrounding her death. They seem to have completely taken the President's word that it wasn't a suicide.
Now that I think of it, suicide is just as likely an option as a Capitol-planned "accident." There is no way that young woman was happy. It disgusts me that Burns said we have no reason to be depressed. In reality, we have every reason in the world. If I was the only victor and didn't have Alec or even Kallan to help me, would I be contemplating suicide, too? Maybe, maybe not. Probably not because of my family, but who knows what kind of situation Bovina was in. Her family might have already been killed. She might have had a personal connection to one of the kids she mentored and had to watch them die.
There's no way of knowing what happened. Both possible explanations are horrible. I may not have known this victor personally, but it still hits me hard. It could have been any of us.
The victor from Ten's death weighs on my mind for several days. I keep thinking how easy it would be for me to disappear, and how many loose ends would be left if I did. In my room in the Capitol, it was so easy for me to decide I hate my life. I realized their were still things to live for, but it is finally dawning on me how grateful I am to be alive. I want to be there to see Marilla and Hallie graduate. Even though I'm uncertain whether it would be the safest idea to start a family, I still see marriage in my future.
If I perished tomorrow, whether it be my own decision or the Capitol's, promises would go unkept. One promise in particular stands out in my mind. I need to deliver Cyana's letter to her friend. I avoid doing so for the first week I'm back. Every time I think about it, I make up an excuse for myself. It will be hard to find her considering the only thing I know is that her name is Cerulean and she goes by "Lea."
I can make up any excuse I want. The truth is I'm hesitant to talk about Cyana because it will only make me depressed again. Eventually, I must remind myself that it's the only thing Cyana asked for me. I have to do it for her.
The summer heat is brutal as I finally approach the high school. I wipe a bead of sweat from my forehead and grip the letter tightly before walking in. The last time I was in this building was the day before my reaping. The last day of my old life. I kept in touch with friends from school for a while after I returned, but that communication has been steadily slipping away. I would've graduated by now, so I guess it would have happened anyway.
My eyes scan over the wooden tiles and glossy coral-colored mural that lead up to the office. So familiar, yet so distant.
No one's there when I look into the office window. "Hello?" I ask.
A tired looking secretary comes over to the window, and her eyes widen in shock when she sees me.
"Mags Brine? Are you here to pick up your younger sisters? She asks in confusion.
"Cousins," I correct her. "And no ma'am. They go to the lower school. I was actually looking for a girl named Cerulean."
She stares at me blankly. "Do you know the girl's last name?" she asks.
"Umm…no. Sorry, I don't."
"Oh, okay. Well, anything for a victor," she says. She walks across the room and opens a dusty file cabinet which must be filled with records of all the students. It takes a while before she pulls out a folder.
"Ah, you must be looking for Cerulean Dropel. She should be in room 18 right now. Does that help?" she questions, looking up from under her glasses.
"Yes ma'am. Thank you," I say and walk down the hallway. It won't be too hard to locate the room she's in considering I used to go to this school and probably took classes in that same room. When I find it, I open the squeaky door as inconspicuously as possible and awkwardly peek in.
The entire class of fifteen year olds looks my way. "Hey, it's that Hunger Games girl!" a loud kid calls from the back, causing the teacher to snap at them about staying on task.
"Do you need something?" the teacher asks. Welcoming isn't the word I would use to describe her tone.
"Can I see Cerulean Dropel for a few minutes?" I ask politely.
I can tell who Lea is because the whole class turns towards her. I recognize her from the reaping. She was the one hanging onto Cyana and begging her not to go. She looks at the teacher and receives a nod of approval.
I can get a better look at her now. She's a little taller than me and a little shorter than Cyana. Her brown hair is shoulder-length and straight. Her dark blue eyes watch me curiously.
"Cy told you to talk to me, didn't she?" Lea asks. It's barely a question. I'm sure she already knows the answer.
"Yeah. She wanted me to give you this," I say, straightening out the folded piece of paper and handing it to her. "I didn't read it," I tell her. Curiosity almost won over and convinced me to take a look at it, but it felt wrong. It wasn't addressed to me, so it wasn't meant for my eyes.
I watch Lea as she read's her best friend's final goodbye. Her lip starts quivering almost immediately, and she is in tears by the end.
"Th-thank you for g-giving me this," she gets out between whimpers. She takes a long, deep breath. "Gosh, I miss her so much already."
"I miss her too, and I didn't even know her that long. I'm so sorry. I tried my best to help her," I say.
"I know," she says softly.
"How are you handling things?" I ask.
"I don't even know what to do. She was practically my sister and now she's gone. It's like half my life just disappeared, you know?" Her eyes glisten with tears.
"The Hunger Games have messed up a lot of people's lives," I sigh. I see Lea glance back at the classroom and I realize I can't keep her out here too long. "Look, keep your head up. That's what Cyana would want. I'm here if you ever need to talk about her or anything else. You can find me at the third house in Victor's Village."
"Really?" She looks hopeful. "That's really nice of you. Thank you."
"No problem. Oh, one more thing!" I dig in my pocket and pull out the third folded sheet of paper. "Can you give this to Cy's parents?"
"Sure. I stop by there every day after school," she says, examining the paper.
"Thanks. You should probably get back to class now. Wouldn't want to miss anything important."
"Hah. Right, important," she says unenthusiastically. "I guess I'll see you later."
"Bye." I smile as she goes back to her class. In a way, I feel like I accomplished more for Cyana just now than I did the whole time in the Capitol. I just wish it didn't have to come to this.
The funny thing about growing up is you never feel it as it happens. If someone had asked me ten years ago how I would feel at age twenty, the answer would have been "like an adult." Now that I'm there, I can't say I feel any more like an adult than I did in my teens. The only huge life change came after I won the Hunger Games three years ago. I didn't notice much change between then and now, but when I compare myself today to when I was seventeen, I find that I have changed.
Appearance wise, I look the same. It's the mental aspect that is different. Now I know what stress feels like and how to deal with it. When I got back from the Games, I was no longer innocent, yet I was still naïve. A few years of being around corruption in the Capitol has changed that.
Now that I think about it, there is no certain age where you "grow up." Growing up is all about maturing, and that only comes through life experience. It is all comparative. A forty year old is still a child when compared to an eighty year old. There is so much to learn, whether it be conscious or not.
The past two years of mentoring have been just as bad as the first. All three girls' names will be forever in my mind, haunting my thoughts. I almost convinced myself the second time around that my tribute had a chance. She was a fiery one, but the arena made her vulnerable. The third was terrified and a little ditzy. All three are gone now, and I'm still here. Existing. It's what we do.
I still keep myself busy with different tasks, because an idle mind is the devil's plaything. It's a saying that seems as old as time itself. I never understood it before I became a victor.
Otherwise, I've been well. Honestly, I get along much better than the other victors. Three have joined the victor's circle since me, including Nasser. For some reason, I talk to them more than the older victors. When I was the newest, the others were a little intimidating. Now I have experience, and I feel like I'm responsible for helping the younger ones transition.
Nasser hasn't done so well. I know something happened over his victory tour, because he suddenly switched personalities overnight, just like Alec and a handful of other victors. The difference is I can see a glint of defiance in his eyes, no matter what positive thing he's saying about the Games. During the most recent Games, he got a hold of some liquor and was a drunk mess for most of the time. It makes me sad to see him like that, but in the end, it's his decision, not mine.
The only lifestyle change that's occurred over the past two years is me practically moving into Alec's house. Technically, my house is still under my name so my parents are allowed to stay there, but I spend most nights at Alec's. My parents weren't thrilled about it at first, since we aren't married. They came around eventually, but I really wish we were married.
I might still be young, but I feel ready for it. I don't want to pressure him into proposing, though. There's been one or two times in the last few months where I thought he was about to, and I was really disappointed afterwards.
I let my mind drift to that now as I sit alone on the beach. Usually, I try to avoid any down-time just because I don't like being able to think about all the bad things that have happened. This isn't so bad, though. It's nice to daydream sometimes. I lazily pull my fingers through the sand, drawing lines and shapes that have no meaning. Every few seconds, the tide pushes in some tiny clams, and I watch absentmindedly as they burrow themselves back underground.
"There she is!" I hear a voice behind me, causing me to jump before I realize it's only Kallan. I turn around just in time to have Alec's dog run up to me and lick my face.
"Get down!," I say as I gently push the slobbering dog off of me. Then I look up to see Kallan and Alec. "You guys are back already? It's not even dark yet." They had been out on their boat, and they said this morning they would be gone all day.
"We saw something out there. I thought you might want to see," Alec says. He reaches his arm out, and I let him pull me up.
"What was it?" I ask.
"It's impossible to describe. Just wait until you see it," he answers.
"Yeah, you don't want to miss this," Kallan says, smiling. He takes the dog and goes back toward the mansions, while Alec and I head for the pier.
It takes a while for us to get on the fishing boat and head out to sea. The shoreline gets thinner and thinner the further we go out, and the sky begins to darken.
Alec stops the boat a good ways out and walks up behind me. "Look out there," he says, pointing into the distance. I squint and follow the direction of his hand, but I don't see anything.
"What exactly am I looking for?"
"No, you're looking the wrong way. It's further to your left. You can't miss it," he insists.
I look further out to the left, only the see more dark water. "There's nothing there," I say with certainty.
"Mags, how can you not see the only red thing in all the water?"
Red? I squint out into the distance again. Nope, nothing red. Either my eyes got bad within the past hour, or this is some kind of trick.
"I don't know what you're trying to do, but…" I start, but then I freeze. I've turned away from the ocean to find Alec…on one knee.
How does this breathing thing work again? I gasp loudly and cup my hands over my mouth. It's a miracle I keep my balance.
"We've come such a long way since we first met. Magnolia Anne Brine, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"
I'm overcome with happiness. Once again, I can't speak. I nod over and over again until I recover from the shock enough to form words. "Yes!," I finally get out. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" After that, I break out into a giddy laughter.
Alec laughs at my response, and gently takes my arm to slide on a shiny pearl ring. I remember Isidora telling me they use diamonds in the Capitol. Pearls are the custom here. It's only natural to use something that comes from the sea. Speaking of Isidora, I'm pretty sure I'm as bubbly as her right now.
"It's beautiful," I say shakily. The ring can't hold my attention for long. Soon I am pressing my lips to his, barely noticing the rocking of the boat or the wind blowing wavy strands of my hair into both our faces.
It's moments like these that make this life worth living.
Chapter 25 Guest Review Replies:
Dusty714: Thank you so much! And yeah, I completely understand what you mean about being too lazy to log in haha.