Location: Quidditch Pitch and Gryffindor Common Room

WEEK SEVEN of 7th YEAR

I had gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

After the escapade of James coming into my room after Quidditch, helping me with my essay, and talking with me for a good three straight hours, I came to a conclusion.

I hated Haley. Not just sort of hated her, but fiery, passion-filled loathing consumed my soul for the far-too-pretty-to-be-natural brunette. This wasn't an altogether shocking discovery. I knew I didn't like her for the way she treated James. But this was new. I hated her, loathed her, despised her, deplored her, just for the fact that she was with James. Now that-that was unsettling. It was fine to hate her for being a ruddy human being. Anyone could, and would. But the problem was that I didn't just hate her for treating him like rubbish. I hated her for having the chance. I hated her for being his special someone. I hated her for being the girl he kissed every night. I hated her for being the one he put his arm around and ate meals with. So, my hatred was fueled by jealousy.

That was not a helpful, welcome, or surprising discovery.

My relationship with James had always been extremely complicated. Throughout the first three years of our relationship, there was a mutual dislike between us. He was a bit of an idiot, and I was pompous. I thought him entitled, and he thought me stuck up. We ignored each other for the most part. Things got more complicated fourth and fifth year. See, I never truly hated James. He was an arrogant berk, and this only increased come these two years. But, what also came these two years was the highlighting of all his remarkable traits. Because for every prank he pulled, there was some ingenious, highly complicated, extremely advanced magic behind it. I couldn't help but be impressed. With every bullying of a Slytherin came the fact of how much he truly despised the Dark Arts and fought for what he cared for, which I admired. For every reckless stunt came a bravery I couldn't help envy. With every insult he and Sirius threw came the illumination of just how close they were, and how far they would go to protect each other, which never failed to make my heart flutter. So, for how much they annoyed and frustrated me, I didn't hate either of them. I was conflicted about their character. They were people, and complicated ones at that. I just hated how they acted like pricks.

Then came sixth year. To sum it up, James stopped being a prick (Sirius was still a work in progress). He let his head deflate, and stopped showing off every thirty seconds. Suddenly, everything that was so unbelievably admirable about him was on exhibition, and everything deplorable about his personality was gone. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to see this transformation. But I was also slightly worried. I knew that I always had been impressed with James in a very personal, inward, hidden level. I also knew that I would have to be extremely careful around him if I wanted this to stay hidden. Now that everything that kept my emotions at bay was gone, I would have to keep a tight rein on my thoughts and feelings concerning him. He was the type I always fell for. This was never a problem before, as I would never agree to date someone who had all of his less than desirable traits. But now that he had changed, I would have to watch myself. I would have to remind myself that this was James.

But that was the problem now. He was James. I admired him when he was hexing everyone, acting like an ass, and being a complete and utter idiot. Now that he actually was an admirable, regular human being, and friend, I had no chance.

I was going to fall.

If I'm going to be honest, I already had.

It was not a crush. I have always hated that term anyway. It seems to imply that it is a short lived interest. This wasn't like that. I loved James, and had for a while. I deeply, truly cared about him. I respected him and wanted the absolute best for him. There was no real problem with this in and of itself. I loved Mary. I loved my parents. I loved Petunia. At one time, I had loved Snape. I eventually came to love Sirius. Loving James really shouldn't have been a problem. But it was, because it didn't stop there. This love that I had felt for a while had blossomed into butterflies and sweaty hands. And because this liking of him stemmed from a deep and true loving of him, I knew I was a goner. There was no getting over it, because I had loved him first. I never would stop caring for him. So, how on earth could I separate being in love and just love?

If there's a way, I still don't know it.

So this realization of jealousy (and thus the being in part of loving) was quite scary. I knew I had no shot, because he had a girlfriend, but I also knew the feeling wasn't going to go away. The only thing I could do is continue to be his best friend, and hope that he might come to the same realization as I. Until then, I would just have to support him in all his endeavors, even if that included tolerating his girlfriend.

I decided to put these thoughts into action by going to the first Gryffindor match of the season. It was against Slytherin, and James had been talking about it nonstop to me. I wanted to show that I actually cared about his interests (unlike some people), so I decided to go all out with my clothes. I wore a Gryffindor shirt, scarf, hat, and face paint. It was a little overboard, but I was sure he'd appreciate it, and that was all that truly mattered to me anyway. So, feeling slightly ridiculous, I left to meet up with Sirius. He always insisted on getting to matches an hour early so he could get the best seat. When I went by myself, I never left so early. But, with Sirius, I didn't really mind. It was always nice to sit up there and talk with him for a while. As I headed over to the common room to find him, I ran into James.

"Hey James! You ready to win?" I asked, smiling as we fell into step, walking side by side.

"Hi Lily. Yes, of course. I always am. Why are you headed this way?"

"To see if Sirius has left for the pitch yet. He usually hangs around the common room before games, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he should be there."

"Why are you going this way? Shouldn't you be headed down to the pitch, oh captain, my captain?" He smiled slightly.

"I was going to meet up with Haley first."

"Oh." was all I could manage. We walked in compatible silence for a few moments.

"I like your house pride." James finally said. I looked up from the ground to see his amused smile.

"I'm not entirely sure if you're making fun of me or not. I'll take it as a compliment."

"As it was meant!" James said earnestly.

"Well, thank you, then." We arrived at the Fat Lady's portrait, gave the password, and stepped in.

"Honestly, Lily, it's awesome." I heart pounded a little too hard for my comfort. It took me a second gather myself. Finally, when I turned to reply, I saw that his attention had been taken from me. Confused, I looked forward to see what had diverted his attention. Immediately, my self confidence plummeted and my self consciousness skyrocketed. Because, waiting for James, was Haley. She looked good enough to divert any guy's attention. While my hair looked perpetually unbrushed, hers looked silky and clean. While I had on face paint, she had on meticulously and perfectly applied makeup. And while I had on a baggy T-Shirt and jeans, she was wearing a short skirt and a top low enough to make anyone's eyes wander.

James walked on to her while I stayed behind in the entrance. I felt absolutely no need to hear him talk to her, and really only wished to leave the premises and never see either of them ever again.

As I stood there contemplating the best way to inconspicuously make my escape, Sirius walked up to me.

"Hey, Lil." He greeted me.

"Sirius." I said, attempting to sound normal. I turned to him with my best attempt at a smile. I apparently did not succeed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'd just like to get down to the pitch. Don't you always want to get down to the pitch early? Isn't that your thing? Maybe it can be my thing now. Or our thing. Whatever works for you. Do you want to go? I want to go." I rambled.

"Um, sure?" He said. I grabbed his arm and physically forced him out the portrait hole. He stumbled, but I continued to pull him. "Lily! Relax! Slow down! We have like an hour."

"Right. I just want to get a good seat."

"Look, I hate her too, but that's no reason to rush me away." He surprised me, but I kept my face in check and stared resolutely down the hallway.

"Like hell it isn't." I muttered.

Because of our early departure, Sirius and I got the best seats in the house to watch the massacring of Slytherin. We over tripled their points, due to a timely catching of the Snitch and Slytherin's keeper's inability to do his job correctly. James scored 40% of the goals, which I knew he would gloat about (with good reason).

Sirius and I were heading down to the field to congratulate him, but Haley beat us there. We both rolled our eyes at her. She had been about three rows in front of Sirius and I, and had barely paid any attention to the game. She talked through the majority of it, and was inspecting her clothing for the rest. I doubt she even knew what position James played. But that didn't stop her from screaming "You're so amazing!", jumping onto James, and kissing him in front of a good three hundred spectators. Sirius and I decided to wait until she was through to talk to him, but she seemed glued to his side for the rest of the night. As she hung off of him during the after party, I couldn't help but to feel envious. I tried to bite it down and just be happy for James, but I couldn't quite manage it. I avoided him for the majority of the night, because the sight of them made me feel like smashing something (preferably Haley's face). As these were not healthy, nor particularly easy to ignore, thoughts, I kept waiting for her to go to bed (she always left the parties early. She needed her beauty sleep, apparently) to talk with him. Unfortunately for me, she stayed with him until around 2AM, at which point I gave up went to bed. As I walked to the head's dorm alone, a sudden realization hit me.

When Ravenclaw lost the game against Gryffindor last season, she had left the game without speaking to her then-boyfriend. When they won against Hufflepuff, I remembered her running onto the field, screaming his name, and jumping into his arms. Apparently, she liked a winner, and not much more. Come to think of it, her last three boyfriends had been Quidditich captains. I was suddenly getting the suspicion that her romantic involvement had less to do with James himself, and more to do with Gryffindor's win/loss record.

If I didn't hate her before, the feeling strongly arose in me. I angrily marched into the head's dorm, stripped off my ugly clothes, and flopped myself onto my bed. I barely had the energy to cry, but I somehow managed it.