Location: Gryffindor Common Room
WEEK NINE of 7th YEAR
Haley and I had been sitting in the common room for a good two hours, discussing homework and other various topics. It was a pleasant evening; the air was full of a promise of cold times, yet it lacked the spark of chill that winter brings. She and I had been having some good conversations. I explained to her that Sirius was bored with her conversation topics, and she explained at how nervous she had been to talk to him. She really wanted to change his perception of her, for my sake, because she knew that he was my best friend. She also knew that they had almost nothing in common, and no matter what she talked about, he would have been prejudiced against her opinion.
The thing about Sirius, is that whatever he does, he doesn't do halfway. If he hates someone, he hates them with a passion. His hatred of Haley stemmed back to second year, when she accidently exploded her potion on him in Slughorn's class. He was young and immature back then, and carried a grudge. I doubt he even remembered that specific event—all he remembered was that she had done something in the past to piss him off, and he clung to that. I, who had nothing against Haley, was completely fine when we started dating. I had no past prejudices to get over. Sirius, on the other hand, wasn't thrilled with me. His reasoning was incredibly stupid, and half the reason I said yes to her was so he would see that. For about a year I had been trying to grow him up, and stop his unfair judgement on people. I thought that by showing that I didn't keep grudges, he didn't have to either. I should have known how stubborn he could be. After we all started hanging out together, he tried his best to be obnoxious to her. He gave no effort on giving her the benefit of the doubt. Haley, being a stronger personality, refused to take his comments lying down. They hurt, as she told me later, but she didn't act like it. She bit back, and Sirius could not take someone sticking up for themselves. So, his hatred became fueled even more. She really was undeserving of all his contempt. Sirius, with his influence over susceptible Remus, even managed to convince him that she was way meaner than she actually was. Apparently, he forgot that he instigated every fight they ever had.
So, you can see why she was nervous to go and talk to him. She wanted to get along with him, but she would have to be very careful about what she talked about. She purposefully picked a topic that he couldn't be opinionated about, and picked something that he couldn't really comment on. She, rather brilliantly, made a conversation where he would really have to work to start a fight, which I told him to avoid. By that topic, she was basically forcing them to be civil (Because, seriously, how worked up can someone get about hair?) And it worked—they had an entire, rather one sided, conversation. I was proud of both of them, to be honest. I had been hoping for a while that staying with Haley would force Sirius to become more open to others. He felt he had a monopoly on my company, which wasn't fair to me at all. He had gone so far as to break up some of my other relationships, and I was determined to show him that he wasn't go to do that to this one. He didn't have all the power. We were all about to graduate into a war, and I would be damned if I let him go out there with the superiority complex he clung to. He thought he could just pick how other people acted (like me, and who I dated). He thought that by sheer willpower and charm people would bend to his will. That type of mindset could get him killed out there. By staying with Haley, it would show him that he couldn't will things to be his way. Though this very unfortunately cut down the amount of time we spent together, it was for his betterment.
And I enjoyed being with her as well. I enjoyed her a lot more when she was concious that our relationship wasn't serious. I told her off the bat that I doubted this would be long term. I wanted something from her (the help in reforming my personality, and the added bonus of changing a stubborn Sirius's), and she wanted something from me (a boyfriend she could show off, I assumed). While her wants changed slightly, mine stayed the same. You could say that I was using her, and I hope that you wouldn't be right. I was being selfish, and I knew it. It was just that, at the beginning, she was selfish too. Just, somewhere along the way, she started thinking long term. I was clear with her many times that this would not be long term. She seemed to think I would change my mind. I knew I should have broken up with her once I realized that I was (extremely unintentionally) leading her on, but that would be giving into Sirius, and I would be losing her company (which I really did enjoy). So I stayed with her. Selfish? Oh, yes. I hated myself for it, but I pacified my guilt with the thought that I was always frank with her. I never told her this would amount to anything. It wouldn't come as a surprise if I said it again.
I hadn't said it for about a week. We had been sitting in the Gryffindor common room for hours just talking, but it hadn't come up. We mostly were talking about homework and classmates. Haley was, aside from being academically and physically gifted, very funny. Her sense of humor was dry, and it took some getting used to. Once you understood her, she really could be a riot. I fear that I have made her come off as unhinged and angry all the time. It wasn't that way at all. The majority of the time, she was pleasant and fun. There was a reason I had said yes to her, after all. She was funny, smart, and pretty. We couldn't talk for overly long, or about anything serious. She wasn't interested in Quidditch, and I wasn't interested in fashion, so we didn't actually talk about our interests all that much. We could more just be together. It was comfortable. I could sit next to her while she just lived, and it was fun. Like at breakfast, when she battled with her waffles. It was just nice, most of the time. She was often collected and quick on her feet, and she was wicked good at dueling.
Her only real downfalls built on each other—her clingy personality, and Merlin, did that girl have a temper.
She was, plainly, clingy. She was very needy and high maintenance. To be honest, it was rather annoying from the get-go. But you can't have perfection in a girl, and I knew that. I would take neediness over cheating any day. Jealously inevitably rose from this trait, which I had often tried to talk her down from. She had been cheated on before, so I understood her wariness. But it often felt like she was untrusting. I knew it where it stemmed from, but it exasperated me still the same. And then, Merlin, her temper. She flew off the handle quickly, and with pizzaz. When she lost it, boy did she ever lose it. She yelled, screamed, made accusations, threw things, the whole chibang.
I couldn't very well completely condemn her completely for this, either. It was a trait my two best mates had in them as well. Sirius's anger was something to behold. When Haley got angry, it seemed petulant and childlike, almost like a temper tantrum. When Sirius got angry, he went into a fury. His 'let's torture people for fun' upbringing came out, and Merlin, did he get scary. He wasn't an very controlled person to start with, but when he got mad, it was a sight. Remus, on the other hand, had a different type of livid. He was normally very controlled and put together. His full on fury I had seen only once, and it had been directed at himself. I don't think he can get truly mad at others—but his self loathing knows no bounds.
Anyway, I was about to be the recipient of Haley's infamous, increasingly frequent temper once again. And this time, it was a bit deserved.
"James, I want to talk to you." Haley said, effectively ending our conversation about Filch.
"Aren't we talking now?" I replied, feeling apprehensive. We had been getting along the entire day, and this felt like an invitation for a fight.
"About something serious." She said, sounding annoyed at my rather immature response.
"Alright, lay it on me." I said, trying to sound at ease.
"It's about Lily."
"What about her?" I said uneasily.
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't like how much you two hang out. It bothers me."
"I'm sorry about that, Haley, but it really can't be helped. We live in the same room, and have the same classes. We have head duties. I couldn't avoid her even if I wanted to."
"So you don't want to?" She said, like she caught me in wrong doing.
"No. I don't want to. She's a good friend." I said, emphasizing the last word.
"Rubbish, James. I know you two talk all the time in that room of yours. I feel like whenever I'm not around, you're talking with her."
"That's not remotely true, and what would be wrong with that if it was? It's not cheating, Haley."
"Not, it's not physical cheating. But it's emotional cheating, and I won't stand for it."
"Can you just explain to me, very clearly, what you're mad at me for, and what you want me to do about it? I can't really figure it out."
"God damn Merlin, James, it doesn't take a genius. Alright, let me spell it out for you. I don't want you being alone with Lily anymore. I know you aren't physically doing anything with her, but with how much you two talk and spend time together, you're emotionally cheating. You're giving her a part of yourself: your secrets, your aspirations, your dreams, your loves, and those should be mine alone. You are around her so much, and with the way you two talk sometimes...I know you obviously like me more since you're with me, but with the way you guys get along and talk...you make me nervous. But you're with me, James, and I want you to be 100% with me or not with me at all. I will not talk this 'halvsies' stuff. You're my boyfriend, or you're hers. There is no inbetween."
"Did you say halvsies?"
"JAMES POTTER." I winced from the increased volume of her voice. "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" That girl did like to yell.
"Obviously, honey, or I wouldn't have been able to quote you. Now sit down, and let's talk-"
"YES, LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I OPENED UP MY HEART TO YOU AND YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO ME, YOU LITTLE-"
"Haley, PLEASE BE QUIET. Everyone is looking. Please, just sit down."
"You never even DENIED it, you BASTARD." She said, almost screeching the last word.
"Denied WHAT?" I said, my voice rising despite my attempts at staying calm.
"DENIED EMOTIONAL CHEATING!" She said with a cry. Before I could come up with a coherent reply, she was chocking back a sob and running up the stairs. In reality, I wouldn't know what to say even if she had stayed in the room. Her accusations hit strikingly close to home; she wasn't far off with her assumptions. What would I say to her? I could deny it. I could apologize. Neither would appease her. She was up the stairs, now, though, so there was nothing to be done. It was one place I could not follow. I felt annoyed with her, but more guilty and disgusted at myself. I was completely destroying our relationship. Not singlehandedly, but I wasn't helping matters much at all. I was selfishly staying with her, and she could obviously tell my lack of interest. She deserved more.
Not wanting to bathe in self pity for the entire night, I decided to go and talk to Remus and Lily, who were sitting whispering to each other at a nearby table.
Hi, guys." I said as I walked up. I stopped by Remus's side.
"Hi James!" Remus and Lily said in unison.
"What are you two up to?" I asked. It looked as if they were best friends, thick as thieves. I wondered, not for the first nor for the last, when that had exactly happened.
"Remus was discussing what would happen if a centaur had a child with an horse animagus." Lily said, taking me highly off guard. I couldn't help but laugh. Remus was one who, though intelligent, liked to steer clear from controversial or embarrassing topics. This was highly out of character. By the redness that ensued on his face, I knew that he either: 1. Was talking of nothing of the sort, or 2. Hadn't realized the topic was so awkward, and was caught up in the academics of it.
"I never thought that'd be your choice of conversation, Moony." I said, unable to resist the urge of teasing him. I had the ulterior motive of trying to pinpoint the validity of her statement.
"Neither did I." By Remus's flushed face, it was easy to summarize that he probably hadn't been talking about anything of the sort. I wanted to rib him about the whole 'animagus' thing, and ask if the horse was an extension of myself, and if he had any centaurs we had met several times picked out for me. But Lily was sitting next to him, so I kept my mouth shut.
"Well, I'll leave you two to your conversation about horses' mating habits." I smiled, and sat down at a table near theirs. Though Lily had improved my mood exponentially with a single sentence, I wasn't really in the mood to talk. I felt drained, and still in the mood to bathe in pity. I wasn't even sure why I went over there in the first place, but I was glad I did. From my seat, I had the added bonus of being able to hear the rest of their conversation. I was rather curious if it would pick up where it left off (presumably about horses?)
"...sense to me, Remus." I heard Lily whisper after a minute or so of silence. I couldn't quite hear her.
"I don't really understand it either." I heard Remus's slightly louder voice. I had the distinct impression that he wanted me to hear his words.
"Please, try to explain it to me. You're one of his best friends. Why is he with her?" Remus sighed, shook his head, and didn't answer. I, for one, was a little ashamed and embarrassed.
"It just doesn't make sense. He's too good for her." Lily said, groaning. Remus laughed softly at her. She hid her head in her arms, so I couldn't meet her eyes. Did she really believe that? When did her opinion of me change so drastically? I knew we had been getting on a lot better, but I never thought that she actually really valued me as a human. I figured she would now put up with me, because I was tolerable now. But that's all I ever expected to be: tolerable. When did she come to see me as someone who deserves a good girlfriend? Last year, she probably would have said I deserved the giant squid. And, on that note, when did she come to see Haley negatively? She never made any comments about it. What about Haley had made her say that? Did she even really know Haley? One thing was for sure: I would never know what was going on in her mind. But, I could make a shrewd guess that, no matter her apparently changed opinion of me, she still wasn't interested on a romantic level. There were somethings that would never completely change.