This is dedicated to all my reviewers. In particular, peacock33, for taking this story seriously, and being willing to think of it complexly and thoughtfully. It is appreciated, and I hope this (long) chapter is up to snuff.
I know this chapter is long. It sort of started to write itself, and it ran away from me. Just stay with it. I promise that it goes somewhere.
And, an average .16% of my viewers have reviewed (I did the math!) I won't beg anyone to, and don't feel obliged, but they really are nice.
Location: Dorm Room and Lily's Room
3AM
I was in well earned foul mood. I was in no temper to go and see Lily, so I headed up to talk to the Marauders. If anyone would listen to me, it would be them. I stormed up to our room, where Remus and Sirius were sitting on the floor playing Chess. They tried to greet me, and I responded by kicking over their game board. They immediately went silent, and let me vent without interruption.
I relayed to them the entire evening. After I finished, I found both of them staring at me.
"What?" I asked, emotionally tired. Physically too, actually, from all of my storming around.
"Mate, you know what we're going to say." Sirius said, sounding faintly condescending.
"I know." I said.
"You have got to break up with her. I never really understood why you stayed with her in the first place, but now, you have got to put a stop to this." Sirius said.
"No. She's good for me." I heard a collective exhale. I wasn't sure why I was putting up this charade. I guess some part of me wanted to be talked into dumping her. I wanted to be assured that she was deserving of being broken up with, and I wasn't being too eager about it. I couldn't define my motivation, but I went with it nevertheless.
"Prongs, why do you think she's good for you? I really want to know." Sirius said, sounding tired.
"Well, she's changing me for the better. Because I'm with her, my temper has become way more controlled." Until tonight, so it would seem. It was true statement, though. Before, I would fly off the handle at a moment's notice. "I now think before I speak, and consider if others will be offended. I have become less controlling and demanding. I listen better. I understand what is proper boyfriend behavior. She doesn't let me get away with being a jackass just because I'm popular. She's holding me to normal standards. She's making me a more mature, controlled, understanding person." All true, still. My anger was fading, and I started to remember why I was with her in the first place.
"James," Remus said. "is that really how you see it?"
"Obviously." I said.
"That's not how we see it. We see those changes you speak of as you maturing. You're older, James. You're going to act older. People mature as they live more life. I think, with or without her, you'd be right where you are with all of those traits. All I think she has done is try to change your character." Remus said.
"I'm afraid that I don't really see the difference." I said honestly.
"Prongs, before this year, you had your character problems. We all did. But you changed those yourself over the summer and through the year of sixth year. You fixed yourself. With Haley, you're changing your personality to fit her own enjoyment just because she asks. You're becoming a whipped dog. She's stepping on you, and changing who you are." Sirius said.
"So changing who I am is a bad thing. And I thought you just said that I changed myself?" I said, feeling a little petulant.
"That's completely different. You changed what was bad about yourself. You matured. Everyone must do that. It's a natural part of being human. No, what Sirius is trying to say, is that she is trying to change your personality."
"Right!" Sirius exclaimed. "Your sense of humor, your wit, your quickness of speech, your jokes, your leisure activities. She didn't like any of that. She didn't really like you. I'm sure she liked the external you just fine—your looks, your money, your status. But you—nah, she didn't care about that."
"Don't hold back for my feelings, mate. Say what you really mean." I deadpanned.
"It's true. You need to hear it. She's molded you into her perfect little boyfriend. You were so willing to believe that her motives were pure—that she really wanted to help you become a better person, and not just the perfect little servant boyfriend. I've actually thought a lot about this, Prongs." His speech started to quicken as he became excited. "See, she's not as stupid as I thought she was. She saw an opportunity with you, and she took it. She was able to get a trophy boyfriend, someone all the girls had wanted just a year or two before. She could parade you around superficially, and everyone on the outside would think highly of her. And then her plan really takes off." Sirius said, sounding even more excited. I was feeling a sort of numbness, myself. "See, on the inside, she has this perfect opportunity. You are vulnerable and naïve. You are completely susceptible to anything she says. You will fully, and completely, believe that whatever she tells you is the norm. She could have you come check on her in the night, and you'd think it was normal, because she said it was. She could force you to compliment her at least seven times a day, and you'd think it was normal. She could make you cook every meal for her, and spoon feed her, and you'd think it was normal. You somewhat idolized her, or something, in your head, and let yourself completely trust her. She had this golden little chance to have the absolute perfect boyfriend. One who would do anything she said, and do anything for her, and not say a word edgewise. You'd be none the wiser. It's truly diabolical."
"Dramatic, much?" I said, for I couldn't really think of anything else to say. My brain wasn't rejecting the information, per say, it was more just putting it on hold until I was stable enough to process what he just threw at me.
"Maybe a little! I LOVE DRAMATICS!" He said, flailing. Remus flinched.
"Alright, enough. That won't help convince him. Look, James," Remus said, concentrating on me. "Do you see what we mean? This is how we perceive your relationship."
"I was with her for a reason, Moony." I said, trying to defend myself. "I wanted to be a better guy. A decent one."
"Which is fine, James, it truly is. But you chose the wrong girl to trust. Changing to please someone is a terrible idea."
"I was changing to please Lily back in the summer."
"That's not true, and you know it. You were changing because you saw that you had to. You, for once, saw what you were actually like. It was because of Lily, not for Lily." True.
"Well...I don't know...I don't feel like Haley has really changed my personality that much, guys."
"Maybe we're exaggerating slightly. I mean, when you hang out with us, you're the same. But when you're with her, you became this little beat puppy. Since when have you let yourself be bullied around? She tells you to do something, you do it. She yells at you, you take it. You aren't that type of person. You don't let yourself get pushed around. You don't let yourself get talked down to. You stick up for yourself. Plus, you're so quiet when you're with her. You just watch her, and listen to her. Relationships are about communication, and it seems totally one way with you two. I mean, normally, you're a chatterbox. Not that you can't sit and listen, or anything. But you talk, and you have opinions. You play jokes and you laugh. You debate and you infuriate people. You always do something, Prongs. When you're with her, you're just silent. She's changing you, because she doesn't want to hear about you or your problems. She just wants someone who will listen, and she won't have to put in any effort."
"I don't know. Maybe you guys are right." Of course they were. I was finally coming to understand and process Sirius's rant about Haley, and I was starting to feel pissed off again.
"We are. Go break up with her, now." I looked down at my feet, trying to calm myself. I was becoming irrationally mad at Sirius (a shoot-the-messenger type of situation, I believe), and I wanted to relax a little. "And then, right after you're done, ask out Lily." My head snapped up, just in time to see Remus punch Sirius in the shoulder. "What, Moony? He should. You know he should."
"One step at a time, mate."
"What did you mean by that? Why in the hell would I do that?" Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Because it so obvious you two want to be together. She's too nice to try to break up a relationship, and you're too stupid to break up your own. But once that's out of the way, there should be nothing stopping either one of you."
"Oh yeah, because she's come on to me so many times this year. She has made it abundantly clear hundreds of times that she is not interested, and I'm finally listening. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself again."
"Have you asked her lately?" Remus said.
"No, of course not. There's no reason to."
"You are a daft idiot, do you realize that?" Sirius said.
"Thanks a lot, mate." I said stiffly.
"Well, you are. Ask her out. You may like her response."
"I will do nothing of the kind. I am still technically with Haley, for Merlin's sake!"
"Eh, now that that boat is on it's way out, thank Merlin, there's nothing stopping you!"
"There are plenty of things stopping me."
"Like what? Do you not feel that way anymore, or something?" Sirius said in a sarcastic voice. I looked down at the bed spread, feeling angry, but this time, more at myself. Sirius looked at me closer. "I mean, you have gotten to really know her a lot better over the past year and a half. I just assumed..." Interpreting my silence incorrectly, he dropped all hints of sarcasm. "Mate, wait. Do you seriously not like her like that anymore? Oh come, after all this sodding time—"
"No, that isn't the problem. I doubt that will ever be the problem." Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief. "Of course I still feel the same way. But she doesn't, nor will she ever. She's told me that before, and I believe her. I will not bother her again about it."
"Don't be stupid, Prongs." I turned away from them.
"I'm leaving. I will not sit here while you try to dictate how I live my life. I've had enough."
"James," Remus started.
"Shut it. I am not asking her out. You may have had a point about Haley, but I don't know. I just want to think about it. But I am sick of you pushing me towards her when we're both resisting. Grow up and leave my problems to me."
"You came to us!" Sirius yelled as I walked out the door. That wasn't, strictly speaking, true. I had gone there to talk, not to receive advice.
I started to stalk around the castle, feeling annoyed and angry.
I was a little riled at Remus, because he could be so calm while destroying my relationship. I was frustrated that he thought he had the right to analyze my life, and come up with his own conclusions about the way it should be lived. I was also annoyed because he did have the right to do it, and he could obviously come up with more sensible explanations than I.
I was mad at Sirius, because he was so meddling and never trusted me to handle issues on my own. He stuck his nose in everywhere. He talked without knowing all the details, and apparently didn't care much about my emotional stability. He always told me what to do, and never listened when I gave my side. I was also mad at him for understanding me so perfectly, because it allowed him to push exactly the right buttons, and get the desired response. I was angry that he knew me better than I knew myself, and would never let me settle for less than I deserved. More than anything, I was angry at him for giving such a convincing argument against Haley. How did he understand so much when he was so far from our relationship? We never hung out together. Ever. How did he realize her motives, and pinpoint them to such a T? The man who refuses to get emotionally attached understood female emotions and motives better than I did. And, if he was right (which I was pretty sure he was), that would mean that I wasted two months of my life. I would never get those months back. If I died young (which, with the threat of the war, was seeming more and more possible) they would be even more wasted. If she truly had been using me, then I still didn't know how to be a proper boyfriend. Only now, I would just let myself get pushed over. Lovely.
So, I was also furious at Haley. I had Merlin knows how long left to live, and she thought that she could take months of my life away for her own purposes? Bloody hell, all I had wanted from her was to become a better person. She had used that against me, and actually set me back in my relationship maturity. I thought we had an understanding. Why did she think she had the right?
I was angry at all three of them for their insinuations about Lily. First, Haley's direction accusations were infuriating. I was not a cheater, never had been, and never will be. I hated having my integrity unjustly questioned, especially about that. Apparently, Haley saw Lily as a threat. This meant that we seemed close enough to be dating. The realization of just how close I was, but how forever far, was unbearable to me. And Remus and Sirius's direct match making was frustrating beyond words. Their off the hand comments about her changed feelings just about killed me to hear. It raised my hope, which couldn't raise again. They were so cavalier about my heart, and it was unfair to me. I knew her better than both of them, and I was positive that her feelings had not, and would never, change.
I felt drained, and so very tired. I spent so much emotion that night, that I felt like I was going to drop. The only person I really wanted to be with was more than likely asleep. But, suddenly, that wasn't going to detour me. I turned on my heel, and tiredly marched to our room. I felt this inexplicable need to see her—to be with her. After all that had happened, I needed to be reminded that there were decent, normal people (specifically girls) in the world who were actually caring. It was completely unfair of me to wake her up, but I couldn't stop myself.
I knocked on her door several times, each moment feelinging more and more like a complete arse. I was spent, acting like a jerk, and not thinking before I acted. Every sign pointed to this being a horrendous idea. But something was driving me to her room, and, for whatever reason, I couldn't say no.
I rose my fist to knock again, but she opened the door. She was wearing pajamas and looked a little groggy, but more awake than I had anticipated. She had a mild expression on, but I could tell some emotion was brewing at the surface.
"Hi Lily. I'm so sorry to bother you. But I just..." Just what, James? Wanted to snog? Shag? Cry? Stare at each other? What did I want from her? Why was I there? "Could we talk?" I settled on. There wasn't any other ending to that sentence that I could come up with.
"Of course we can. Don't apologize. That's what I'm here for." Always so kind and giving. She made me feel even worse about barging in. I shuffled over to her bed, and ungracefully planted myself upon it. I hit my head a little to hard against her bed board as she sat across from me. She looked expectant, like it was my responsibility to come up with a conversation topic.
Well, duh. I was a complete idiot. It was I who barged into her room at 3AM, waking her up. It was I her asked her to talk. Of course she would think I actually had a topic in mind.
I quickly scanned my brain for a conversation topic that was appropriate and urgent enough to have woken her up in the middle of the night to talk about. Homework and head duties were definitely out. What was important enough to bother her about? Why was I here? What did I want to talk about?
I wanted to know if Sirius was right. I wanted to understand Haley, and know her motivations. I wanted to understand my emotions. I felt like a big mud puddle of conflicted, and confusing, feelings, and I couldn't separate them from each other to make sense of them. I wanted advice from someone who knew what he/she was talking about. I wanted to know the norm, since apparently Haley hadn't given it to me, and I couldn't trust my relationship-phobic best friends for squat.
"You've had boyfriends before." Three semi serious ones, if my memory served me correctly (which, I knew it did).
"Yes, a couple." Three, Lily. There was Truman, for three months in fourth year. There was Carl for one month in fourth year, and then Eric for five months in fifth year.
"Did you guys ever fight?" I asked. Maybe the last few weeks of our relationship was normal. Maybe people fought, and maybe expecting us to get along all the time was naïve.
"Not a lot. I sort of did with Eric, but we broke up after our first real fight. None of my boyfriends and I really...fought when we were together, I guess."
"Oh." I went silent. So Sirius was right. If I was using Lily as a normal meter (I was starting to think that I should stop using singular people as measures of normalcy, though. I should take like, an average or something), then we weren't a normal couple. I turned to face her. "That doesn't make me feel much better." If she was able to keep three relationships without ever fighting or getting her heart broken, then I was pretty sure she was doing something right. Come to think of it, Haley had said she and her previous boyfriends never really fought, either. Maybe the problem really was just with me. Maybe I couldn't hold a relationship. Maybe I was destined to be alone.
"I'm sorry, James." She said, so quietly that I almost didn't hear her. Why in the hell was she apologizing?
"No need to apologize. It's not your fault, Lily. It's hers. Or mine. I don't know anymore." She looked sympathetic, and entwined our hands for comfort. I smiled at our interwoven hands. So much had changed in two years. She apparently felt comfortable enough with me that she thought we could make physical contact (instigated by her, nonetheless), and I wouldn't think she was making a move or something stupid. But, within the comfort of a room and closed doors, I could pretend that she was. I wanted to keep this level of intimacy going, and raise it. Since I knew I couldn't do that physically, I opted for doing it emotionally.
"She was not very into the date tonight, so to speak." She looked up at me, obviously surprised. I had purposely avoided talking about Haley to her. I felt like that was such a private, close friends topic, and I never felt like we were to that level yet. I was still uncomfortable around her (left over feelings), and I felt like she was uncomfortable around me as well (left over feelings, but of a very different sort). But tonight, I just wanted to open up to her. I wanted to be as close as I often dreamed us to be. For whatever reason, I needed there to be some sort of us that she wouldn't want to lose. I needed us to be close. I needed her to need me. And the only way to do that was to open up to her, and act like we were as close as I desperately wished we were. So, I relayed the entire evening to her, only leaving out some of the minor details and Haley's more colorful words.
I watched her during my entire story. She seemed like she was masking some sort of emotion that she didn't want me to see. I guessed it was exasperation with me for waking her up just to whine. I didn't know what to do. The more I told her, the more upset I started to feel. Aside from some of the Marauder's secrets, there wasn't a whole lot more to share about myself (at least, nothing interesting to other people). I was letting her into the one part of me I had refused to share with her. I held no more cards (not that the deck was stacked favorably towards me anyway). But she still didn't seem to care. She wasn't telling me to go to bed, and that we would talk about it in the morning. She was being overwhelming nice to me, but I could see something boiling in her eyes. She had to be annoyed with me. There was nothing left that I could do that would make us close. To clarify, we were actually already pretty close, in the normal sense. We knew a lot about each other's lives and personalities, but that just comes from living together. What I wanted was something more. That indescribable it that you had with only a few people in a lifetime. A true understanding and caring about the other. An intimacy that had to built, and kept together and whole by both sides. And she was, unknowingly, rejecting it. I felt so powerless where she was concerned. She was close, but there was nothing I could do to force us our friendship to go to a deeper level. I felt like an impuissant child.
She made some offhand comment thanking me for my defending her. What else would I have done? I shrugged off the false compliment, and waited for Lily to get fed up and tell me to go to bed. She, being Lily, shocked me.
"Do you want me to talk to her? You know, to explain that there is nothing between us?" No. I really didn't want her to do that at all. I didn't want to save my relationship with Haley, and I didn't want Lily to audibly deny any possibility between us. My head had already been telling me that for years, but I didn't need the validation from her lips. It would just make it so much worse. Why was she even offering? She couldn't actually want to go and talk to Haley. That would be awkward even if they were friends.
"No, no. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything." I said. She was already being nicer than I deserved. Much nicer than my other friends, at very least. "I just felt like talking to someone who wasn't full of advice." I felt like I was whining or complaining a lot tonight. But I just couldn't bring myself to care. I was having one of those break down nights—the strong ones, that you only get one every few years. The ones that reveal your true friends. Remus's one and only breakdown was what started the Marauders.
"I take it that you went and saw the other Marauders, then?" She asked.
"Yes, that's where I was before coming here. They all tried to convince me to dump her. I didn't want their advice, I just wanted them to listen." I loved them, but sometimes, damn them.
"I understand." She said. She evidently did, because she wasn't giving me any advice. Oddly enough, I rather wanted it from her. She was the only one in the group who had had a stable relationship. But she didn't look like she was going to start giving advice. I suddenly realized that her two word answer was probably a hint: leave idiot, I'm tired and want to go back to sleep. I don't want to talk about your relationship!
"Oh well. I'm sorry for waking you up." I felt like a moron. Even with saying it, though, I didn't get up off her bed. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Don't apologize, James. I'm always here to talk." That wasn't much encouragement, but I just couldn't leave. I wanted to be around her. I wanted to be with her. And, apparently, tonight was my night to give into emotions. First with Haley, then with the boys, and now with Lily. I was apparently throwing all maturity aside, and I was going to act like a selfish little boy. Oh well. I could regret it in the morning. I turned to her and smiled, about ready to ask her how her night had been. The look on her face stopped me. She looked sad, and I didn't have any idea why. Maybe it was on my behalf, or maybe she had a bad day. All I really knew was that I wanted, desperately, to make her feel better. But what was I to do? What could I say? I didn't have permission to touch her, hug her, or kiss her and comfort her. I could ask her to talk about it, but knowing her, she would completely brush that aside and refuse to open up. Whenever I caught her looking at me with a sad, helpless expression, she never explained herself. I couldn't understand what had her down, and she wouldn't open up. She wouldn't let me in. That's all I wanted from her, but she kept herself private, and there was nothing to do about it.
"Do you ever feel powerless when all you want is to feel powerful?" I asked, unsure of what made me voice this thought. My voice was a little shaky from my emotion. I felt so unstable, and vulnerable. She could just tell me to go away. She could brush me off. But this was Lily, the kindest soul on the planet.
"All the time." She said. And then we started to talk like we never had before. She told me of her family and home life, and I told her about mine. In one hour, we knew all of those extremely uninteresting and dull, yet very intimate details about each other. She told me of her sister, and what her bullying made her feel. I tried to explain why people bully (having been one myself), and I talked of how ashamed I felt of understanding why people can be evil. We just kept going. We talked about graduation and future plans. We told each other our aspirations and dreams. She was letting me in, and I couldn't stop my mouth or excitement. I had no idea her motivation, but she was letting me see a closed part of her. We talked about death, and coming to terms with the finality of it, and the inescapability of it. These weren't light topics. Now, I not only knew the trivial facts that every roommate would know (like her families name, and if she is a morning or night person, her favorite tea, etc...), but also what was hidden. I couldn't understand why she was humoring me, and finally letting me in. This went beyond kindness. She didn't do this with everyone (or, really, anyone). Why me? Why?
I didn't understand, but I didn't need to. I just needed it to keep going. She was filling my emptiness and loneliness. I had thought that just enjoying being around Haley had been enough for a relationship. I had thought that it being pleasant was enough reason to be with her. But now I understood that that would never be enough. I would always crave more—this. The building of something. The knowing more about the other person than anyone else. Truly being intimate, and not in the physical sense. Trusting someone else with the boring, often terrible, details of yourself, and trusting them to care. This was what relationships were supposed to be. This was true companionship, and this was what I had been missing my entire life. I had always felt content with my friends because I had this with them. I knew everything about them. I never felt uncomfortable or bored with them, and this was why. My romantic relationships were obviously a different story. I never had come close to letting girls know my middle name, let alone these details. But this is what I needed, and I was desperate to keep it going. Dawn was starting to rise, and I felt completely exhausted. I couldn't even move my limbs, though my mouth and vocal chords were still in action. There was no energy in me left, but I didn't want this to stop. I was afraid it would never start again. Finally, Lily said what I had been expecting hours ago.
"James, maybe you should go and try to get some sleep."
"It's a Sunday. No classes, so no need. We can keep talking." I slurred my words, decreasing their effect. She made some reply that I couldn't really hear. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. It had been a long day. I mumbled something in reply. I think I was agreeing to go to bed.
"James? You're not moving." She said. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I still didn't feel like moving.
"Can I just stay here? I don't want to move. So tired." I said as loudly as I could manage. My eyes were shut, and I was completely beat, but I still needed her permission. This was her bed, after all. She didn't answer me, though. I thought I may have missed her response, so asked if she heard me.
"Yeah James." She said. After a slight hesitation, she told me to go back to my room. I didn't want to, mainly because it meant moving. It made sense, though. This was her bed, and I was completely taking it over. It was unfair to make her take a couch or something. And it wasn't like she would sleep in the same bed as me. She had her morals and standards.
I tiredly walked back into my room, and flopped down on my bed. I was unconscious almost immediately. I would wake up to humiliation and shame over my petulant and childish behavior, to Lily and the Marauders. I would have a killer headache, and I would over analyze the entire evening. I would second guess the importance of the night, and wonder if it meant as much as I felt like it did. I would promise to keep a better reign on my emotions, and not let myself become such a slobbering mess of a person in the future.
But right then, all I did was slip into a beautiful dreamless sleep.