Chapter 4

Sure, it wasn't the main bridge of a starship, but hell, it was a real bridge, and Jim was pretty sure he'd never been in a place that felt more... right. His cadet squad had spent the entire morning becoming familiar with the basic station functions on the secondary bridge, a fully-equipped command center located two floors up from main engineering within the secondary hull. It wasn't as large as the main bridge, but it would work if the main bridge was compromised. None of their access codes had given them actual control of the ship, but had allowed them to learn all the systems fairly well. Sure, they'd practiced in simulator facilities meant to mimic the functions of a ship, but a simulation wasn't the same. A simulator could never feel like this.

Jim couldn't get enough of the command chair.

Even though the main tactics station and pilot's controls had been interesting enough, he kept looking back over at the chair. The last time he'd felt that depth of want-need-longing had been almost two years ago, in the gray light of pre-dawn on a clear Iowa morning, looking up at the shining hull of the half-completed USS Enterprise.

Someday. Maybe.

At the moment, he was finishing up his turn at the environmental controls. He'd never quite thought about how complicated it was just to maintain basic life support - temperature, atmospheric mix, gravity, humidity, radiation shielding. It was really complex, and the weight of responsibility for keeping all hands on-board alive prickled heavily against the back of his neck. Still... the chair.

"Okay, everyone finish up and sign out of your stations." Lieutenant Finney leaned against the wall by the viewscreen, watching the cadets as they finished their assigned tasks and gathered at the front of the bridge. "Good work. You're all got one hour for chow. I want everyone back here at 1300, and you'll meet the officers you'll be shadowing for the next three days. Any questions?"

Six heads swung side to side, almost in unison.

Finney smirked. "You're all full of it, but that's okay. We'll tackle questions after lunch. Okay then, dismissed."

Jim was turning away to head out with his squadmates when the sound of his name stopped him short.

"Cadet Kirk, stand fast."

Turning back, he found himself confused and just a bit worried. "Sir?"

Finney offered a reassuring smile. "I just wanted a minute of your time, nothing serious."

Jim glanced back at the turbolift doors sliding shut behind the rest of his squad. "Okay, sir."

"Relax. I actually had this chat with all the other cadets before the internships started. I couldn't do this with you until now because you were only officially enrolled in the internship at the very last possible minute."

"Okay," Jim said as neutrally as possible. Probably just a simple review of expectations and such.

"So, I saw the results from your Survival and Tactics course."

Something in the Lieutenant's tone made Jim feel suddenly uneasy. He'd passed, of course. As far as he'd been aware, his assessment had been very positive, but there was some element of critique underlying Finney's statement. "What do you mean, sir?"

Finney twisted his mouth as though pondering Jim as an object. "Well, you passed with flying colors, so congratulations there."

Jim forced a smile. "And I only broke two bones in the process."

"Four," Finney said with no shortage of amusement. "I read the report on your duty restriction yesterday. At any rate, your natural aptitude for tactics and solo survival are beyond reproach, but Kirk... you're still playing the lone wolf."

Jim tried to push down the flush of heat that started creeping up his neck. When he'd taken Basic Tactics, Finney had talked to him about that. He'd made so much progress, though. And he wasn't trying to play the lone wolf. He had just made the best decisions he could, and some of them happened to involve him going solo. Mendoza had lectured him about this, and the last thing he needed was another re-hash with Finney. But he held back his irritation and gave a respectful nod. "I know. I'm working on it."

"I have no doubt of that, but..." He hesitated, and by the pathetic look of apology on his face, Jim knew what he was going to say before he even said it. "Commander Mendoza put a comment in your file. He was concerned that you were trying to emulate your father on some level."

The air in the room suddenly seemed too thick to breathe. Jim cleared his throat, trying to ignore the way his heart was suddenly beating a bit too loudly. "Believe me, sir, that's the last thing I want to do."

"Easy there, Kirk," Finney said, holding his hands up innocently. "That's not what I'm saying. That's just what the report said. I know that you're not trying to put yourself in your father's shoes. But you stand out in your own way. While you're here, I really need you to focus on blending in."

Jim forced himself to unclench his fists. "I thought Starfleet wanted people to stand out."

Finney gave him a look of utter sincerity. "Kirk, you could stand out anytime, anywhere, just by showing up. It's going to get you noticed, and you're going to go far. And don't pretend you don't know that. But here on this internship? This isn't the Academy. It's not a competition out here – it's a team, and we need everyone to play their part."

"I know that, sir."

"I know you know that... in your head. But this is your chance to internalize it." He offered an encouraging smile. "That's what an internship is for. We're going to work on everyone's strengths and weaknesses for the next two months. There's not a single one of us who has everything right, including me. Like I said, I had a talk with everyone else on this internship squad, and everyone has things they need to work on. We've got a good training team, and I've got all of you shadowing great officers for the next couple of weeks."

Jim felt himself relaxing a bit as he remembered he wasn't being singled out any more than anyone else. Finney wouldn't do that to him. "I'm looking forward to it," he said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as he should be.

"Good. And what I want you to do, besides following orders and learning every technical skill you can, is to really watch how people around here demonstrate their trust in each other. Learn the fine line of obeying your superiors and giving them every reason to trust you as a subordinate, while also watching how the superiors earn the trust of their subordinates. You need to learn how that trust works, both up and down the chain of command, in a practical setting." He offered an encouraging smile. "You've learned to trust your peers, Kirk, and I can see that they trust you. It's a huge jump from where you used to be. Now, build on it."

Jim licked his lips, which had become dry. Suddenly, the simple act of shadowing officers around the ship seemed like a much bigger challenge. So much to observe, not just basic technical skills. This is what he was really here for: to learn how to command. "I can do that, sir."

"I know you can." Finney nodded at him, then gave a thoughtful look. "There will come a time when someone will need to play the lone wolf. Be the hero and all that. Eventually, you'll find yourself in a situation where someone needs to stick their neck out, put themselves on the line, dig their heels in, and go down fighting. One man by himself. And I know you've got it in you to be that person if you have to be, and it's got nothing to do with your father. But Kirk, you're still a cadet. An officer intern, actually. It's not an easy role to play, but that's what we need you to do. The crewmen are expecting you to act as an officer, even though you'll be learning technical skills from them. The officers will expect you to act like crewmen, even though you were trained to be a leader. It's a fine line to walk. Support the mission. Trust your orders, and learn how to make that trust work. And then, when you've seen more, and done more... you'll be ready to step up, take command, and do it right."

"When I become a Lieutenant like you, sir?" Jim asked, trying to look casual and just a bit ironic despite the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat threatening to make his voice crack.

Finney shook his head, and gave him a sincere look with no trace of irony. "No, Kirk. There's a reason they're called Captains."

Lacking the ability to respond verbally, Jim nodded, and was grateful when Finney gave him an easy grin.

"Go get some lunch. I'll see you back here at 1300 hours. Oh, and to let you know, the training rotations for the first few weeks will take you through every major department on the ship. You're assigned to one of the engineering teams for the next few days, and I think you'll have a good time with that. Lieutenant Kim runs the primary power grid for the whole ship, so you'll get to see everything. It's a great way to get ground-up experience with ship operations."

Jim nodded again and found his voice. "I do like tinkering with machinery," he said, even though his thoughts flashed to his ex-roommate, the sociopath whose engineering experiment had almost killed him. All things considered, he'd done pretty well getting past that. "I'm sure it's a great way to learn the ship."

"And a great way to get used to working with the team that keeps all the machinery running."

"Yes, sir."

Finney gave him another grin. "Great. Now, go on. Lunchtime. Dismissed."

*.&.*

Finney had been right. Despite his previous misgivings about engineers, the engineering team was a lot of fun to work with. They were a bit eccentric, highly competitive, and liked to play as hard as they worked... even during duty hours. That was how Jim found himself paired with Petty Officer First Class Timothy Johan in a breakneck race to finish a recalibration of the primary power conduits on deck four before the other half of the team recalibrated the conduits on deck five.

"How's it coming in here?" Lieutenant Kim's voice had a note of laughter. She was a slender woman with a prim outward demeanor and a tight bun of black hair. She had reminded him more of officers he knew who worked in admin or tactics, rather than the rough-and-tumble work of Engineering. Jim was more than aware that looks were deceiving. Beyond first impressions, there was nothing prim about her. She was a brilliant engineer who loved digging her hands into the gritty aspects of the job, and she was damned good at it. From what little Jim had experienced in two days, she was also an excellent leader.

"Two minutes, sir," Johan replied without looking up from his tricorder's readout, his low voice as steady as his hands.

Jim kept his mouth shut and continued to hold the magnetic field as still as possible over the conduit.

"That's what Goldberg said two minutes ago, one deck down. Come on, guys... who's going to get the water shower rations today?"

Johan didn't reply to the Lieutenant, but glanced up at Kirk. "Adjust the polarity of the field by negative zero-point-three-seven degrees."

"Adjusting," Jim said, carefully, holding the device steady.

"Looks good. Hold it." Johan put down the tricorder and tapped a few commands into the control panel, adjusting the power matrix in the conduit junction. "Okay, turn off the field... now."

Jim only noticed after he stepped away that Johan had been holding his breath, and it was only when Lieutenant Kim started clapping that the breath was released.

"Nice job, Johan. I didn't expect that technique to work. Goldberg and Hodges tried something similar... and Hodges is in sickbay right now, getting a second-degree burn fixed. Small burn, and she'll be fine, but she won't try that again soon." She grinned deviously. "And she won't forget to do a safety check on the tolerance margin of her EM caliper next time, either."

Jim turned to the Lieutenant in surprise. "Sir, you said they were expecting to be done in two minutes, too."

Johan elbowed Jim as Kim gave them a wink. "Come on, Kirk... that's her favorite way to keep us on our toes."

Lieutenant Kim nodded. "How are you guys going to be able to perform under stress if we don't work like that regularly? Do you think the Klingons would sit back and wait for us to fix the power grid at our leisure after they fry it? Not that we're expecting Klingons anytime soon, but who knows what we're going to find on any given day, right?"

Jim began nodding in admiration of the approach. "Always a new adventure, sir."

"You bet it is." She leaned against the wall casually. "You two get the water shower rations. Nice work. Kirk, are you sure you don't want to become an engineer officer? I can already see you've got a good aptitude for puzzles and hands-on work, and that's exactly what you'd get to do in an engineering position."

Jim forced himself to suppress a flush of pride. "I did a bit of extra work studying ships' systems because any decent command officer has to know their ship inside and out, but... I really do love tactics and command."

She nodded slowly. "Well then, I think you have a fair shot at becoming a decent command officer. Captain Porter is an excellent commander, and I'm proud to serve with him, but he's better at breaking the power grid than fixing it. So... anytime I get a chance to cross-train one of you future gold-shirts into a decent engineering proficiency, I'll take it. You might even manage to do more good than harm around the engineering department."

Jim nodded, not quite sure if it was a sideways compliment or an insult.

Kim gave him an easy smile. "Relax, cadet. You've got plenty of time before they put you in the hot seat." She tilted her head towards the turbolift. "And speaking of the hot seat, I'm going to run and check on Hodges. You two go find Goldberg and help him finish deck five, then we'll reconvene in main engineering at 1700 for the daily review." She turned smartly and strode off to the turbolift.

Johan elbowed Jim again. "If you're not careful, Blues, she's going to suck you into the Engineering track." He grinned and made for the access ladder that went between decks.

Jim shook his head and hurried to follow. "If I was an engineer, I wouldn't get to join the landing party on Araxis. And why do you keep calling me Blues?"

Johan stepped onto down the ladder. "With peepers like those, isn't it obvious? Hodges has been staring at your pretty little saucers since you joined us yesterday." He laughed again, then winked before climbing down, still talking. "Had to remind her that you're officer material, and there's no fraternizing between enlisted folks and the brass... even brass-in-training... sir."

Jim felt his ears burn, but it reminded him of what Finney had told him – he was supposed to act like an officer. Even though he'd trained for this, it still felt a bit awkward now that he was starting to understand that people he'd be expected to lead might have years of practical experience over him. Johan was still chuckling from below the deck as Jim stepped onto the ladder and began climbing down. "Come on, do we have to do the sir thing? "

"Why do you think we're going with Blues, Blues?" Johan grinned in amusement. "Besides, everyone ends up with a nickname around here."

"Oh yeah?" Jim said, dropping the last step onto the floor of deck five. "What's yours? Stretch? Arms? How tall are you?"

"202 centimeters, and not so fast, Blues. You've gotta earn that." He turned and began walking down the corridor, leading Jim. "Engineering is quirky like that. So... you sure you don't want to give it a try as a career?"

Jim shook his head definitively. "No way. I mean, sure, Engineering is great work, but I want to see what's out there. Be the first to step on a new planet."

"I've only been out here for two years, and trust me, landing parties aren't always what they're cracked up to be. I'll trade some of the excitement for a better chance of coming back in one piece. Where do you think the redshirt joke really came from? Here's a hint - it's not from engineering."

Jim cringed slightly. "It's a lousy joke."

"But it's true." His expression suddenly became serious. "And you watch yourself if you get to go on the landing party to Araxis. It's a new planet. You never know what you're getting. I haven't been on many landing parties myself – I'm a tech, and I like it that way, but we still pay attention when we send folks down."

"I don't think they'd send us down there if they didn't think the situation was stable. They wouldn't want a bunch of cadets messing up the mission."

"Keep telling yourself that, Blues. It's impossible to really know what you're getting out here until you've got your feet on the ground and phasers firing." He tilted his head up as they rounded a corner in the corridor. "Ensign Goldberg, are you lightly toasted or well-done?"

"Ha ha, very funny," Goldberg replied, his head still inside the access hatch. "You try a magnetic recalibration on an unstable junction and tell me just how toasty you are."

"We did try it," Johan said, picking up an EM caliper and smugly adjusting the settings. "It worked just great, didn't it, Kirk?"

"You bet," Jim said lightly, admiring how easily the team members could razz each other, while simultaneously backing each other up.

"Yeah, well, we'll chalk it up to beginner's luck for the cadet," Goldberg said flatly, his voice tinny inside the hatch before he ducked his head out and looked at Johan. "And I was always better at the theoretical stuff at the Academy anyway."

Johan leaned on the bulkhead and grinned. "That's why they put you on your rookie assignment with us, sir."

Goldberg gave Jim a look of surrender. "The Academy teaches us all the leadership stuff, but I swear, the tech schools for crewmen do a better job with the nuts and bolts."

Johan grinned at both of them, whistled softly, and lightly tossed his magnetic spanner into the air and caught it again.

Goldberg blew out an exasperated breath, but he seemed amused enough. "Yeah, yeah... so are you gonna show me your fancy calibration skills or not?"

Johan laughed and made short work of helping to finish the calibration as Jim watched. It was interesting learning the real way the enlisted crew members interacted with the officers. The Academy was so focused on officer training, with cadets playing the roles of enlisted crewmen as well as officers in training scenarios, that he'd never really seen how the dynamic would work in a real setting. He was beginning to understand now. Johan and Hodges were highly skilled techs who had attended a Starfleet technical school, and they had a lot of specialized, hands-on experience. But they hadn't gone to the Academy, and didn't have the same broad-based leadership training Jim was receiving as a cadet. Officers respected the crewmen's skills and asked for their input, but at the end of the day, the officers called the shots. Jim had known these things in theory, but it wasn't something he could have understood just from his classes the Academy. Once again, he was grateful he'd managed to get the internship.

In no time, Johan and Goldberg had sealed up the junction, packed up their equipment, and were on their way back to main engineering.

"So... Blues," Johan said hesitantly, "is it true... Captain Kirk was your father?"

Jim's stride faltered slightly. That had come out of nowhere, but it didn't seem like there was any reason not to answer. "Yeah," he said flatly. "You've been wanting to ask that since yesterday, haven't you?"

Johan shrugged. "Between the name and... well, you look like him."

Trying to keep his shoulders from tightening with nerves, Jim nodded. Everyone learned about the Kelvin at the Academy, so it wasn't surprising that people had seen his father's picture. People around the Academy campus had stopped constantly associating him with his father's name, but he was in a fresh environment now. He should have expected at least a couple of people to ask. Until he made a proper name for himself, he knew he'd have to deal with the association everywhere he went. He was George Kirk's son. That was his identity until he earned a new one. He just hoped that day would come sooner rather than later. "I know, but... hey, it's not like I remember him. I'm just trying to work on this from the ground up, right? Just like anyone else."

"Fair enough," Johan said. Goldberg nodded.

"Besides," Jim said, giving an ironic smile, "you two made it longer than most people before asking that. I figure that's got to be a good sign."

"So," Goldberg said slowly, "is that why you want to go command track? Not engineering?"

Jim shook his head. "It's not like I want to do what he did just because he did it. Maybe I'm just hard-wired that way. It's what I want to do."

"No hero complex?" Johan asked as he led them to the turbolift. "Main engineering."

It would have felt like a dig, and Jim was still a bit raw from having the topic broached by Commander Mendoza and again by Finney, but here, he figured it was just the same sort of ribbing the whole team gave each other. He got the sense he could just answer honestly. "No," he said simply. "I mean, that's not the intent. I guess... I want to do big things." He liked these people, but he wasn't about to air his dirty laundry and issues with them.

It seemed to be a sufficient enough answer, as Johan grinned at him and clapped him lightly on the shoulder. "That's why we all join Starfleet, Blues. And then we learn that it's not hero stuff, but the small stuff, every day, that makes us part of the bigger picture."

"How philosophical, Plato," Goldberg smirked at him.

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Plato?"

Johan rolled his eyes as Goldberg snorted. "He thinks too much. By day, mild-mannered engineer. By night, classical philosopher."

"Better than wasting my time on those old comic books you like so much, Parker," Johan said evenly as the turbolift stopped and they stepped out into main engineering.

Jim gave Goldberg a sideways glance. "Parker?"

Goldberg folded his arms huffily across his chest. "Spiderman. It's a classic. Earliest days of comics."

Jim nodded, and decided he was satisfied with Blues.

"Besides," Johan continued smoothly, "philosophy is important. You need some perspective out here. Skills are half of it, but you've got to be able to internalize a balanced view of the universe so that when you come up against a wall, you're ready to make the right decision. See things for what they really are. Understand your role in a much bigger picture."

They turned the corner into one of the equipment bays off main engineering, and Johan and Goldberg immediately began pulling their equipment out of their packs to run the regular diagnostics before putting each piece back in their storage slots. Johan's motions were confident and practiced, and Goldberg wasn't far behind.

Jim, however, stopped at the door and watched them. "Funny you should say that," he said dryly. "I keep coming up against my role in the bigger picture more often than I care to. But I... I want to be in the middle of big things. I don't necessarily need to stand out, but... I want to see everything. I can't wait until we get to Araxis. To be one of the first humans to set foot on a planet – who wouldn't want to do it?"

"Sounds exciting," Johan said sagely, "and dangerous. I'm telling ya, just because you're a cadet doesn't mean they can keep you safe. Don't let yourself believe that they know as much as they say they know."

"I know nothing's safe," Jim said, feeling a twist in his gut. "Hell, I almost died in a shuttle accident last year at the Academy."

Goldberg looked up, startled. "Whoa, shit, that was you?"

Jim frowned. "I figured you would have known. It was all over campus."

"I... uh... didn't make the connection," he said, sounding embarrassed. "Sorry."

Most engineers, especially theoretical ones, seemed to ignore everything except their tinkering. Yet another reason why Jim was sure it wasn't the career for him. "It's okay. But yeah, that was me.

Johan turned away and placed his tool kit in its slot on the wall, and spoke without looking at either of them. "Then maybe you understand better than most cadets. I respect that. It'll make you a better officer. Just don't forget how fast it can all change. And know what you'd be willing to sacrifice when the shit hits the fan." With that, he walked out of the equipment bay, walking past Jim without even glancing at him.

Jim blinked, then looked at Goldberg. "What was that all about?"

Goldberg gave Jim a resigned look. "Eight-hundred people made it off the Kelvin. One-hundred seventy three didn't, Blues. Not just your dad."

Feeling like his stomach had just acquired a lead brick, Jim looked from Goldberg to the door and back, overwhelmed by the sense that the universe was both so much bigger and simultaneously smaller than he'd thought. At a loss of what to say, he finally breathed the single word. "Fuck."

"You said it."

*.&.*