Location: Gryffindor Common Room and Hogsmeade
WEEK ELEVEN of 7th YEAR
A week later, I found myself somehow still dating Haley. I wasn't actually with her much at all; head duties and homework actually kept my occupied for most of the week. For the first couple of days, Haley skipped our classes. I heard that she was sick, but I wasn't sure if it was true or not. That Thursday and Friday Dumbledore took both Lily and I out of class to plan for the weekend. When you're an underclassman, you never really think that those weekends take any planning. But there was so much to do—get the carriages ready, set people to patrol, etc...I supposed I sort of forgot about Haley with all I had to do. It wasn't like she was really trying to be with me, either. I wasn't even sure if we were technically still dating. I figured she still was planning on going to Hogsmeade with me, but I wasn't. Lily asked had seemed to notice that Haley and I weren't hanging out as much, because she asked if everything was alright between us. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just shrugged. Speaking of Lily, things didn't change between us. The air between us was different. We both knew that that night was significant. But neither of us actually acknowledged it, and we fell into our old patterns quickly. I didn't really mediate on it, though. I mean, how much could really change? She was still my best girl friend. We just now knew a lot more about each other. Knowledge doesn't make you date, especially when one person has a significant other and the other isn't interested.
Whether she was interested or not became irrelevant in regards to Haley. With further scrutiny, Sirius's words kept proving more and more accurate. No matter what would happen (or more likely, not happen) between Lily and I, I couldn't stay with Haley. It had to end.
These thoughts were on my mind as I headed up to the Gryffindor common room on the day of the Hogsmeade trip. Haley was already waiting for me, sitting silently across from an oblivious, reading Frank and an awkward looking Remus. When I walked up, both looked relieved.
"Prongs." Remus greeted me. I was about to respond, but Haley cut me off.
"You're late. I wanted to get a head start today, since it's Hogsmeade." She still seemed irritated from the other day, though we seemed to have come to a silent agreement never to mention it again. As she stood up, I knew I couldn't delay it any longer. There was no reason to put us both through more pain and torture.
"I'm breaking up with you." In retrospect, it wasn't the best timing, and it was probably the worst wording imaginable. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes, shock evident in them.
"What?" She said, her voice an octave higher than usual.
"Uh. Yeah. I just..." I looked past her to Remus, who was looking more amused than, as one of my best mates, he rightly should have.
"You're WHAT?" She screeched, now fully comprehending the situation. I cringed outwardly and inwardly, for now everyone was staring. "You can't break up with ME. YOU CAN'T."
"I'm sorry, Haley. Let's go talk about this." I tried to urge her way. Me and my big mouth. I should have known she'd make a spectacle.
"NO, WE'RE NOT LEAVING. EXPLAIN YOURSELF." She yelled, tears now brimming in her eyes.
"Look, Haley, we haven't been getting along for ages. This can't be a surprise. We're hardly soul mates. I'm sorry but...It was inevitable."
"Breaking up with me was INEVITABLE?" She said, yelling. She hit my chest with her arms, which made me take a step back. Frank had put down his book to watch with the rest of the common room. Remus was still smiling. "Well, FINE! YOU BETTER HOPE I FIND SOMEONE NEW BEFORE THE NEXT QUIDDITCH MATCH!" With that immensely confusing statement, she stalked off. I stood in heavy silence for a moment, her departure still affecting my brain. Eventually, I sat down in an arm chair a little ways from Remus, who was still looking amused. After a few tense moments, the silence was broken, and people stopped paying me attention. Frank went back to concentrated reading, conversations picked up again, and I was left alone in my embarrassment and confusion. While I knew I should be feeling upset, loss, or some emotion from the sadness spectrum (a few month relationship had just ended, after all), all I really felt was relief (and a twinge of embarrassment).
I had been trying to decipher Haley's last comment when I heard a younger, girly voice speak to me.
"Hey James." I looked up to see a fifth year Gryffindor sit down in the chair next to me. She looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place her name. Lissy, maybe?
"What do you need?" I said, confused, but trying to be friendly.
"So...I couldn't help but overhear that." She sounded guilty.
"Um. Yeah. I think most people did." I said, confused by her contrite tone.
"Right. Right. Well, now that you're all, single and all..." I couldn't believe this. I hadn't been single for three minutes and I was being asked out? Seriously? When did I get all desirable?
"Sorry, but no thanks." I said shortly. I was not looking for another girlfriend.
"No, no! That's not what I was going to ask! I mean, it kind of was. But not really." I looked at her embarrassment, once again confused. "You know, forget it. I'll ask Remus."
"Hold it! Hold it!" I said, grabbing her arm to prevent her from standing. She sat back down, face red. "What were you going to ask?"
"Just...I was going to ask..." I waited patiently for any coherent question to emerge. "It's just...It's...You're friends with Sirius." She stated. I waited for her to expand, but she just sat looking at her folded hands.
"That's a true statement." I said. The corners of her mouth turned up, but she still did not look at ease.
"I like him." She said, very quietly.
"A lot of people do. He's a fun guy." I said. I knew where this was headed, but I wanted her to say it.
"I mean, like, I like him. Like, I want a date. But you know how he is. He doesn't say yes to like...anyone."
"He says yes to girls he likes." I meant this to be encouraging, but by the look on her face, that's not how she interpreted it. "Well, I meant...Uhm. He sometimes says yes."
"He wouldn't say yes to me." She said, with a slight edge of self-pitying.
"You never know."
"You might know."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, if you asked him-" I cut her off.
"No. No. I am not asking out my best friend for you. There's a line, and that crosses it."
"Please, James." She pleaded.
"No." I said, firm. "You should ask him yourself."
"I can't." She said quickly, sounding slightly panicked at the thought.
"You really should. This whole 'not-being-direct' thing never helped anyone."
"I can't. He'd reject me."
"You should try. Rejection never stopped me." I said, internally wincing at the memories.
"I can't."
"Okay, alright." I said. We sat in silence for a minute, watching people trickle down the stairs for breakfast. She opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment, Remus called to me from 3 chairs away, effectively silencing whatever she was about to say.
"Hey Prongs." Remus said. "Frank and I were about to go to breakfast. Are you coming?"
"In a minute." I replied. Frank was standing and heading over, having finally finished his reading. I stood, but was stopped by the girl's voice.
"James, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" I looked back around, surprised.
"What?"
"With me. Will you go with me?" She said. I smiled. That was a solution. I wouldn't ask out my best friend, even if it was for someone else. She obviously wouldn't ask Sirius, on account of being too shy/fearing rejection. She had threatened to ask Remus, but I knew that was an empty statement. She would get nowhere fast with that. He'd probably just stare at her in surprise until she walked away. This way, she could still be close to Sirius, but it wouldn't have any pressure.
"You know what...I think I will." I didn't have to agree, but she seemed nice, and Sirius could use someone plain nice in his life. Merlin knows he didn't get enough of it at home. "And, uh...What's your name?" She looked slightly offended, but eventually brushed it off with a laugh.
"Lindsey." She stood from her chair, and was now displaying a genuine, easy smile.
"Right. Sorry. I'll meet you here at, say, noon?"
"Sounds good." Lindsey smiled at me, and turned to exit.
"And Lindsey?" I said, preventing her from leaving. She turned back around, and looked at me expectantly. I leaned in, and whispered into her ear.
"He likes confident girls. Give flirting a try." She colored slightly, but nodded. She then proceeded out of the common room. I sat for a minute, a little bemused at how odd the last ten minutes had been.
"James?" Frank said. He had apparently walked over with Remus during the end of Lindsey and I's conversation. I shook my head, breaking my thoughts. "Ready?"
"Yeah. Let's go." We all walked out of the portrait hole together, but before we could go another step towards the Great Hall, Remus stopped us.
"You know what, James, we were supposed to wake Sirius. We should go do that. It may be a while, Frank. You know how heavy of a sleeper he is." I stared at Remus, but he wouldn't look at me.
"Okay. I'll go down to breakfast. Meet you there?"
"Sure. Bye." Remus grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the common room. I stumbled, and was about to complain when he pulled me up the stairs and into my old, and his current, room. Sirius was lying on his bed, fast asleep.
"Moony?" I said, once he finally let me stand on my own. "We never wake Padfoot up. What's with the lie? And the bodily forcing?"
"Shut it, James." Remus said, taking me by surprise again. He looked angry. Well, he looked Remus's version of angry, which was an extremely mild expression with a slight tap to his foot.
"Alright, then. What'd I do?"
"Did I hear you agree to go to Hogsmeade with Lindsey?" He said evenly. I nodded, which caused him to hit me on the right side of my head.
"Hey! What the hell, Moony?"
"Why did you do that?"
"I know I just broke up with Haley, and that might seem weird-"
"Not that." Remus interrupted. I cocked my head. What was he so annoyed at? "I don't care how long it takes you to get over Haley. Ten minutes will do nicely."
"I think it was actually about two weeks ago." Remus smiled lightly, but he still had the same annoyed expression.
"Be that as it may, why did you ask Lindsey out?"
"Is there something wrong with her?"
"No, there's nothing wrong with—"
"Then why should you care if I said I'd go with her?" I asked.
"Because, you idiot!" I saw he was about to continue, but I cut him off.
"I didn't say yes for me." I said, hoping to pacify him. He looked at me, obviously confused.
"I figured? Wait. What? Explain."
"Look, Moony. She likes Padfoot. She was too shy to ask him out, so she asked if she could come with me to get close with him. That's all, nothing more. There's nothing between us." He looked torn between annoyance and slight amusement. He finally settled on the latter.
"Padfoot is going to love that." He said, snickering.
"What?"
"Oh, he's just going to love this whole situation." Remus said, not clarifying further.
"What? Moony, what's going on? I mean sure, he may be a little annoyed, but..."
"No, no. It's not her. Well, it is a little. Do you know Lindsey?" I shook my head. "She's a little on the...bookish side, so to speak. She's also only a fifth year. I think she's extremely fascinated by his bad boy persona, but they're going to have nothing to talk about. It's going to be wonderfully awkward." I smiled.
"Well, I think that's just what Sirius needs. A calm girl. It'll be a good contrast to him. You know he won't marry some rouge. He'll find a nice girl." I said.
"Yeah, if he ever marries." Remus said.
"He'll marry. Probably."
"When he's fifty." I laughed lightly. There was a lot of truth to that statement.
"Maybe Lindsey will be a little bit of push in the right direction." I suggested.
"You know as well as I that it won't." I was about to reply, but Remus kept on. "He's going to have an awful day, and you know it."
"Yeah, probably." I conceded.
"And you asking her out will be icing on the cake. He's going to be so mad at you." Remus said.
"What does that mean?" I asked, confused by this comment.
"Come on, James. Don't be daft."
"What's with the insults today from you? I just got my heart broken, remember?"
"You dumped her." Remus reminded me.
"Oh. Nevermind...But what did you mean?"
"Come on, Prongs. Why would Sirius be mad if you asked out Lindsey? Why was I annoyed that you asked out Lindsey? Actually, why am I annoyed that you asked out Lindsey?"
"You can't still be mad. I explained-" Remus cut me off.
"Prongs. What has Padfoot been saying to you? There is one girl you should have asked out, and Lindsey wasn't her." There wasn't any room for misinterpreting that statement.
"She's not interested."
"Prongs." Remus said patiently.
"No, she's not. Look, I know Padfoot keeps trying to push me with her, and keeps saying that her feelings have changed, but he hated Haley. He was just trying to get me away from her by distracting me. He wasn't being serious."
"James." Remus said, reverting to my given name. "We have been hanging out with Lily more than anyone else lately. Don't you think we probably know her true feelings? And, we know how much it killed you to get over her. Do you really think your best friends would try to put you through more pain? I am suggesting it because I know what the outcome would be. Ask her out."
"No. You're just using your whole Moony logic. It's not going to work."
"Moony logic?" Remus repeated dryly.
"Where you make mental stuff sound right due to clever wording. It's not going to work."
"I don't do that, and if I did, I wouldn't be doing it now. I am being up front with you about this. If I was Padfoot, maybe I'd understand your hesitation, even though I think you're doing him a disservice by assuming he'd care more about his own comfort than your emotional well being. He loves you too, you must remember. But anyway, this is me. Would I lie to you? Would I purposefully put you in a place where you could embarrass yourself? Would I bring up old pain if it wasn't for a good reason? Would I make a situation where you could lose one of our mutual friends? Be reasonable, James." No matter how I turned it around in my head, he sounded right. But it couldn't be. I wasn't going to let irrational hope destroy me again. No matter how much I wanted it, it just wasn't that way.
"Remus. People don't just change their minds like that."
"They do when they're given a reason to. And you have given her a reason." That Remus. He always knew what to say.
"But..." I said, trailing off.
"But?" Remus prompted.
"I'm terrified." I admitted. Two years ago, I would have rather be killed on the spot than to admit that. But now, under the safety of Remus's solitary presence, I let him in on this tidbit. "She is a great friend, and if you're mistaken, I lose her. And I just got her, Remus, even if it's not how I want. I just got her, and I don't want to lose her. And I don't want to hear "no" from her. I just can't hear it."
"I understand completely. But isn't your drive to hear a "yes" stronger than your fear to hear a "no"?" I continued to look at my feet.
"It was. But...I can't lose her friendship. And if she says no..."
"And if she says yes?" Remus said. I finally looked up at his ever patient face.
"I..." I refused to let myself imagine it.
"You won't have to imagine, if you just ask." He said, guessing my thoughts. "Today's Hogsmeade, Prongs. I know you are already...taken, but I think we can get her over to you. She'll say yes. I promise you. Think about it."
I nodded, then turned to leave. Sirius's voice stopped me.
"If you don't ask her out, I bloody will for you. And that's a threat I will keep." I didn't doubt him.
"How long have you been awake?" Remus asked him, obviously surprised.
"Since somewhere along "icing on the cake." Do you have cake?" I laughed, the tension finally leaving the room. With Remus's promise and Sirius's threat, it looked like I had a date with destiny tonight. Time would only tell if that destiny was the one I had been yearning for for three years.
"Are you going to do it?" Sirius asked, sitting up in bed.
"You're not really giving me a choice." I replied.
"You won't let me give you a choice! I tried to yesterday, and you just yelled at us and stalked off. Like a third year, I may add. We were trying to help."
"I may have been a smidgen drunk. I stopped of in The Three Broomsticks after getting thrown out of the restaurant. I was in a bad mood."
"Drinking has never helped you get out of a bad mood, Prongs." Remus said, always the voice of reason. "It just makes you irritable, emotional, and sleepy."
"I know. Look, I'm sorry guys. For everything."
"Define 'everything.'" Sirius said, smirking
"Fine. I'm sorry for pushing you to the side for a girl. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys. I'm sorry for being irritable with you guys. I'm sorry for letting myself be taken away from you guys."
"Alright, we get it. Knock it off." Sirius said, never one for any type of emotional display. He jumped out bed. "It's just good to have you back." He slapped me on the back, and then headed to the closet. "Ready for breakfast, mates? I'm thinking pancakes. Nothing too big—we still have Hogsmeade!"
"James has a date." Remus said, totally selling me out. Sirius spun to face me.
"What? What are you talking about? You just said five minutes ago that you refused to ask out Lily."
"I didn't ask Lily."
"You asked someone else?" His voice lowered. I could tell his temper was rising. "Of all the imbecilic, stupid, boneheaded—"
"Dude, I know." I said, interrupting him. "I already got the speech from Moony. Look, I'll talk to her there. This isn't like, a real date or anything."
"Why not? What makes it unreal?" Remus, ever so slightly, snorted. Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"You'll see. It's just not. Look, I already promised you and Moony that I'd talk to her today. I won't back out. Not that you'll let me..."
"Damn straight." Sirius said.
We had been at the The Hog's Head for about forty minutes when Lily walked in, alone. I pretended not to see her, and prayed that my two friends would be blinder than I. No matter what they said, I still did not want to talk to her about anything resembling romance.
My 'date' was having a rough time. Sirius had caught on quite quickly to the fact that she was interested in him, not me. This relieved his annoyance with me (mostly), but he was getting exasperated by Lindsey. I couldn't really blame him. It was quick to see that they had almost nothing in common. Even with that, she was making it way worse than it had to be. She kept trying to flirt (as I suggested), but it always came off as juvenile and awkward. To Remus and I, it was quite funny. For Sirius, it made him feel extremely uncomfortable and fairly creeped out. I, occasionally, took pity on him and redirected the conversation. I mostly talked about Lily, because she was all that was on my mind. All this got me was several pointed looks from Remus, an exasperated glance from Sirius, and Lindsey's complete ignorance at my attempts to stop her flirting. So, all and all, I was having a good time. I never let awkward situations destroy my mood. Especially in this case, where it truly was Sirius who was the one who felt uncomfortable. I was also feeling buoyant and relaxed since my breakup. Perspective is a beautiful thing.
I kept trying to ignore Lily, but it wasn't working well. I kept stealing glances, waiting to see if she had a date that hadn't shown up yet. Eventually, Alice and Frank turned up and sat with her. I supposed this made sense, as Lily was good friends with Alice, though it seemed like she might be third wheeling a date. It was her business. I was just, pathetically, relieved that she was out with friends.
I thought my glances were discreet, but apparently, they were not. Sirius had noticed my diverted attention and had found it's source. He looked at me, narrowed his eyes, and whispered behind Lindsey's head,
"Payback for this." He said, jerking his head toward Lindsey.
My eyes went wide when I realized what he meant, but it was already too late to stop him.
"Lily!" he called loudly, waving his arms. I exhaled loudly; he was basically forcing me to ask her out. I would not be able to get out of this situation without a private talk. Remus would kill me, and Sirius would intervene and just spill out my feelings. Destiny was a-calling, and it was in the form of Sirius's obnoxious voice.
Lily seemed a little reluctant to leave her friends, and I hopefully thought for a moment that she might decline to come over. But, after a second, she whispered something to Alice and walked on over.
"Sirius, Remus." She spared me a quick glance and no greeting, which was unlike her. Had I done something wrong?
"Hey, Lily. Do you want to join us?" Remus asked.
"Oh no," she said quickly, relieving me. "I'm with Alice and Frank." I loved being with her, but I was all about procrastination today.
"I think they can part ways with you for few minutes." Sirius said. He glanced at me with a smirk.
"No, I agreed to spend the day with them. They'd be upset if I didn't." She turned to point at them, but to my disappointment, they were in the middle of a heavy snogging session. She looked disappointed as well, which was odd. She had no reason to want to avoid us. HAD I done something wrong?
"Yeah. Right. They look devastated." Sirius said, snickering. She rolled her eyes and pushed herself next to him.
"Move over, airhead." She was now sitting directly across from me. She seemed, for the first time, to acknowledge my presence. "James. How are you today?"
"I'm actually doing really well." I replied. It was true. I was nervous and on edge about my inevitable doomed talk with Lily, but I hadn't felt so free in months.
"I'm glad to hear it." She said sincerely. I was about to reply, but she turned to Lindsey. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I know your name?" So I wasn't the only one who didn't know her off the get go. That made me feel slightly better.
"I'm Lindsey. Pleasure to meet you, Lily. I've heard a lot about you." Lindsey replied nicely.
"If your information is from Sirius, don't believe it. Remus and James are more reliable sources, though James has been known to embellish stories a bit." I was officially more reliable than Sirius. That was good to know.
"Not fair!" Sirius exclaimed. I laughed. It was completely fair, and he knew it. "Why am I an untrustworthy source?"
"You told Melissa McConnor that I hexed you into a goat for pulling my hair, you prat! She wouldn't come near me for months!" I broke out into my first true smile in several minutes. That was a good memory. Melissa had practically ran from the hall every time Lily was coming the other way. She was an extremely nervous muggleborn, and the thought of accidently doing something and being turned into a goat apparently frightened her to a larger extent that Sirius had realized. It was an awesome joke.
"You sure are funny, Sirius." Lindsey said, laughing. I bit back a grin, which I shared with Remus. We both were at least getting some enjoyment out of this. Sirius looked increasingly uncomfortable. Sirius, for all the girls he attracted, never quite knew what to do with them on a one on one basis. He sometimes brought girls along to Hogsmeade, but it was usually ones he already knew well.
"Thanks." He said, extremely awkwardly. I was biting back a laugh now, and I turned to Remus to share a grin. But he was staring at me, and I knew why. I shook my head almost imperceptibly. Not now, I was trying to say. He gave me a look of this second, James. I swallowed heavily, and turned to Lily.
"Hey Lily, could I talk to you for a minute?" I sounded more confident than I felt.
"Of course." Sirius, unamused at being left alone next to Lindsey, gave me an annoyed look as we left the table. He also, probably, wanted to be there to hear what I said. It would give him great material to make fun of me with. I slid out of the booth, and Lily followed me as we walked outside, into the snowy air.
"What's up, James? Did you just want a change of scenery?" Lily asked, slightly shivering, but looking pleased with the snow.
"That, and I wanted to give Lindsey a chance to pester Sirius. And I wanted to talk to you." Without me, that situation would just get worse and worse. After all Sirius put me through this year, it was some great payback.
"Why would you want your date to bother Sirius?" She asked, baffling me.
"She's not my date." I said with conviction. After a second, I realized that that wasn't 100% accurate. "Okay, well, I guess she sort of is." She looked confused, so I hurried to explain. "She asked if she could come with me so she could try to get with Sirius. Who was I to deny her? It's not like Remus would have agreed if I hadn't. She was too shy to directly ask Sirius, which is what I advised her to do. I felt like it was my duty as a best friend to give every possible future marriage partner a chance." She laughed at this, smiling in a way that set my nerves on edge.
"Well, I'm glad to hear it." I wasn't sure what she meant by this, but I felt the need to get the conversation over with.
"Anyway Lily. I also wanted to talk to you. You know, in the quiet."
"In the cold?" She joked.
"In the private." I said, finally turning the tone appropriate for the subject matter I wanted to discuss. She stiffened, which made me nervous and had me rethinking this entire thing. I could just tell Sirius and Remus that I had talked to her, and she rejected me. I didn't actually have to go through the torture. But, they would know if I lied. I would never be able to make that one work. Plus, maybe it was better just to get it out on the open.
"Haley and I broke up." That seemed like a good enough place to start. She looked up at me, slightly apologetic.
"I know. Frank told me. I'm sorry." She seemed appropriately upset on my behalf, which didn't give me much confidence.
"Don't be." I said, looking straight at her. She wouldn't meet my eyes, so I wasn't quite sure about what she truly thought about all of this.
"Why not?" She asked. I decided then that it was time to tell her. I wasn't sure why; maybe it was the snow on her hair, or the look on her face. Just, at that moment, I couldn't stand not being with her. I couldn't just be friends. It wouldn't work. Not for me.
"Lily. I have something to ask you, and I want you to be honest." I said seriously, knowing my nerves were affecting my voice. I was just going to do it. No more of this bullshitting, and wondering, and mystery. I had made a promise to my friends and myself, and I was going to get this out in the open, no matter her reaction. I had to know what she thought of me.
"Okay." She said, sounding slightly concerned.
"Have your feelings changed towards me since last year?" She looked at me with wide eyes, like she was completely thrown by my question. "Damn it." I said, cursing, running a hand through my hair. "Okay, bad question to start with." Of course I chose the most loaded wording and indirect question of all time.
"Of course my feelings have changed." She said, surprising me with the quickness of her response. "We were barely friends last year. We're much closer now." While she technically answered my question, it didn't answer what I really wanted to know.
"Right, stupid question." No shit. I was completely ruining this. I should have started elsewhere. "Okay, maybe I should start by apologizing for Haley." That was what I should have said to start with, instead of a stupid, easily evaded question all on her.
"What do you mean by that?" She said, surprise evident in her voice. Her surprise astonished me. What was there not to apologize for?
"She was a bitch all the time. You had to put up with her, as did Sirius and Remus. And you never complained, at least not to me. Even Remus had a couple of comments lately. But you were always there, supporting me, even when it was obvious that we were the worst matched pair in Hogwart's history." She smiled up at me, which I felt undeserving of.
"I never thought it my place to lecture you about your love life." She said.
"Do you want it to be your place?" I said, hoping she'd understand my meaning. By her silence, I figured she didn't. "What I mean is...Well. I meant...It's..." I stuttered. "God damn it!" I exclaimed, angry at myself. "When did this get so hard?" I asked her out how many times back in fifth year, and yet now, I couldn't even tell her I liked her? What was wrong with me?
"Just say what you want to say, James." She said, ever the sense of reason. I, of course, responded to her reason with babbling nonsense.
"I can't. I can't say what I want to, because if you don't like what I have to say, then I have to live with what I said and I can't take it back. You know? Lily, have you..." I stopped myself, disgusted with my inability to say anything coherent. I started to pace back and forth a couple of steps.
"Look, James, just say it. Please. The anticipation is killing me."
"Killing you?" I muttered. I was about to knowingly destroy our friendship or make a relationship. I think I had a bit more pressure.
"Look, James, if I don't give you the response you want or whatever, or if you regret what say whatever, or you know...whatever, I give you permission to obliviate my memory." I stopped pacing to stare at her. "I trust you to do it correctly."
"I'm not going to do that, Lily." Why in the hell would I alter her memory? Who did she think I was?
"Then please get out with it. You're giving me too much hope, and I'm dizzy, and I am not sure I can stand this feeling in my stomach, so just say it." The meaning of her words hit me like a cinderblock. That was hope she gave me. Pure, unadulterated hope. I became confident once more. She gave me something to work off of, which was more than she had ever given me in the past.
"Lily, is it possible that you may return, or could possibly someday return, my non platonic feelings towards you?" I stared at her for several seconds, in which time she stayed silent and her face went bright red. My confidence started to waver in her silence, but before I could become panicked, she took a step closer to me, and grabbed my hand. I looked into her eyes, barely daring to hope.
"Entirely, completely, totally possible." She said. Relief flooded through my veins. I broke out into a massive grin, and kissed her before she could take back her words. Seven years of passion, two years of pining, and one year of friendship made it into that kiss. I knew that we still had a lot to work out. There was no doubt that I would have to convince her of my affections (after all, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship). There would be questions and awkwardness and rough patches, but that was completely fine. None of that mattered. All there was to think about in that moment was the one truly happy and content thought that I was finally where I belonged: with her.
And that's all, folks. Thank you to everyone who stayed with this story. I realize that the style of it is very uneven. For Lily's section, they are short chapters that get the point across quickly, and not much else. They are a direct rewrite of the original. With James's chapters, the successively got longer and more complex. I went into motivations and thoughts, and more long and complex story lines. As a story as a whole, I realize that it is not the greatest. It varies so much within the chapters. But I like it nevertheless, and I thank you all so much for liking it too.