Dear Santa,
Oh my gods, I can't even freaking BELIEVE that I'm writing a letter to someone who ISN'T me. I'm SO selfless, I can't even. Let's just get on with this, because Christmas is my favorite holiday, besides my birthday, OBVIOUSLY, because we all know that in the next election, everyone wants to put my birthday on the federal calendar. It's THAT important. Because, moi. And, for Christmas, all of my adoring fans sing carols to me, and they replace whenever it says Santa with Narcissus! Isn't that wonderful? They love me SO much! And then Echo repeats everything, so it's like, TWO TIMES NARCISSUS! Wow, I literally am dying right now. So, here's what I want you to get me for Christmas. It's the unabridged version.
-A hand held mirror
-Tanning oil
Just get me, like, 1,000 times that. So 1,000 hand held mirrors, and 1,000 bottles of tanning oil. I'm saving up so I don't have to get up and go to the store for new things every time I want it. I could just ask one of my fans to retrieve it for me! I'm not even going to sign this. My hand is cramping and it is going to be REALLY sore in the morning. This is the most I've ever written in a day before in my entire eternal existence. ALOHA, AMIGO!
(Young Narcissus)