...
I don't know if I can, I don't know if I should
I don't know what is right, and what's to come if you would
..

Ben Speaks

Previous Day

'Dad?'
I was met with silence on the other end and I could feel my blood run cold. That voice was so familiar, I couldn't be mistaken, plus if it was anyone else they would have responded quicker than this guy. I wanted to ask again, wanted desperately for him to say something but for a moment I was afraid that he had hung up.
''Ben? Is that you?''
Now he had responded, it was my turn to be silent. Glancing over my shoulder, Adam and Claire were talking softly and I moved into the study. I didn't really care if anyone else heard what we spoke about, maybe a little but I think it was more so they didn't see me hesitate talking to Dean Winchester.
'Yeah, it's me.'

Again the conversation dropped to nothing and I bit my lip, feeling like a ten year old again, too afraid to speak to his father about how he broke the vase.
''I thought your mother said-''
'She lied.'
I could almost hear the sting of that from across the phone but I didn't regret it. I didn't know one hundred per cent that he was my father, but all the time my mother would never tell me my real fathers name and the way she spoke of Dean and often commenting on the way we had so much in common, it was more like confirming with me rather than telling me.
''It's good to hear from you kid, I never thought that I'd…''
He didn't finish his sentence, but in knew what he meant because I had thought the same. I rubbed my eyes as I thought of my mother, poor Lisa who couldn't be with the one she loved or live the way she wanted to.

''How are you?''
Here we were, the world was close to ending and we were trying to make some awkward chit chat. All I wanted to do was hang up, but at the same time I wanted to see him, wanted to hear him speak, about anything. Where had he been? How had he been all these years? Why make us forget? Why abandon us like we were something that obviously never meant anything to him more than an escape for a year, a vacation?
'Great, all in one piece…you?'
''Still breathing; and Lisa?''

It had been a while since I heard my mothers name spoken from someone else's lips and I closed my eyes, sighing slowly and heavily. If I avoided the question, would that be making it clear for him?

'Hey where about are you, we need your help.'
I heard a sharp intake off breath, hopefully understanding the meaning of a dodge question and gratefully he didn't push for any more answers. Clearing his throat, I heard Dean shuffle about, probably getting out of bed judging by how early it was.
''What's up Ben? Who's we?''
I bit my lower lip; he didn't know that I was following in the family business?

'I'm with Adam and a couple of other hunters and we have this case-'
''Whoa, hunters? Ben please tell me I heard that wrong.''
I rubbed the back of my head; did I have time to explain the last twenty years of my life to someone who clearly didn't give a dam?
'Dean we need all the skill we can get. I've only taught myself and we're all rookies in this sort of thing.'
''You're a hunter? For how long? How? I thought I told you to keep away from the things I do!'
Now it was my time to get angry and I held the phone just that little bit tighter.
'I guess it it's in the blood hey? And I would have remembered if you hadn't have cleared both me and mums memory!'

There was a tense silent and I really battled with the need to hang up, whatever personal issues we had, the rest of the human race more than likely came first.
''I didn't have a choice. I couldn't have you remembering what happened, remembering me, it wasn't what I wanted for you.''
'Well it doesn't matter now. You did have a choice, a choice to help us through it rather than forget about us!'
''I never forgot about you, not once.''
That could be a lie, but part of me hoped that it was meant sincerely. Trying not to sound soft, I kept my mouth shut.

''Does your mother remember?''
I bit my tongue, wanting to bite it off; I didn't want to make him feel guilty, but I didn't want him to think I wasn't angry for what he did.
'She's dead, has been for a while. I've been hunting longer but I guess you were right, we were better off without you. I have lived this long hunting, I don't see why we need an old man weighing us down.'
''Ben I have only ever chosen the best for you and your mother.''
'No, the best for only you and whatever suited you. You chose the easiest, cowardly way out of a situation where we both needed you the most!'
Dean was silent and I growled low in my throat, knowing he was too gutless to explain.

With a light scoff I hung up, feeling the button almost stick as I forced it down. Rolling my eyes, I twirled the mobile in my hand, thinking of what I had just done. He was my father and all the things I had wanted to say to him, they all evaporated from my mind, all I could feel was anger and… sadness?

Moving around to the kitchen, I saw Adam sitting there with a cup of coffee, smiling up at me as I handed the phone back to him. He opened his mouth and I sighed, hoping he wouldn't give me a lecture but he sighed himself.
'You know, I doubted him once.'
I tried to ignore him, but after everything they had been through, he was family. Considering having a coffee, I decided to grab a bottle of water, pausing a moment as Adam gave me a weak grin.
'He only has pure intentions.'
'Pure? How can a life like this be pure?' I frowned, lifting my arms and gesturing to the filthy kitchen. 'Especially a man like him, there wouldn't be a pure cell left in his body.'

Dropping my arms, Adam dropped his head and I groaned, heading upstairs. I wasn't tired, not really and I slowed my pace as I reached the top of the stairs, not sure if Claire was asleep or not. Leaning gently on her door, I went to knock but thought otherwise; why was I going to knock, I had nothing to say to her.

Shutting the door quietly behind me, I gulped down the last of the water and tossed the bottle to the other side of the room, frustrated. My mind was racing and stomach heavy with guilt; my blood racing with a mix of rage and sorrow. I should have apologised to him, I should have said I was grateful for everything he did for us, I mean at the end of the day, I'm still alive right?

Groaning I collapsed onto the mattress, not wanting to think about Dean or my mother or Adam or Zeno or Claire. Covering my eyes with my palm, I tried to clear my mind, tried to relax before I either went utterly mad or fell into sorrow; I wasn't pretty when I cried. With a heavy sigh, I felt my muscle relax themselves and even though I didn't feel tired, my eyes refused to open and before I knew it, I was spinning in darkness.

Current

I hated seeing that look on Claires face.
I couldn't help but hesitate before driving away as she stared at me from the front door. All I wanted was to run up to her, explain everything, hug her and make her come with me.

My day was quiet and filled with me thinking, which I remember my mother always jokingly say was dangerous. Why was I here? Out of chance Claire and I had formed a friendship but the longer I stayed with her… I don't know. I cannot lose another person who is close to me. My mother was hard enough and I shuddered at the thought of her as I drove along the quiet road.

I remember returning from the war, remember being told of her passing and yet my first thoughts when I was capable of doing so was when I cremated her, what would I do with the ashes? There would be no way I would carry around a jar of ashes on a job like this, and there were no other family member I could entrust them to, well none that I knew at the time. So when they were ready, I drove for hours with the plain box sitting on the seat beside me, not knowing what to do. She had never spoken to me about what she wanted done, and no will has been done up. All I was left to inherit were the clothes on my back, the thirty bucks I had in my wallet and her remains, the state took the rest.

It was nearly dark when I got to a sleepy looking town. Only a few houses on the main street, the signs old and people just as frail but everything around them was beautiful. The fields were continuously rolling and surprisingly green. I got a chill and pulled over, I can remember this as clear as day. I walked only a short distance up a hill overlooking the town and the farming fields around it. If ever there was going to be a spot, this should be it. I contemplated burying them, but if I did that there would be a chance my mother wouldn't be happy so when the wind was right and the sun was setting, I opened the container, sighing as I tipped them out slowly.

The wind caught most of them, carrying them far out of sight and I felt a weight off my shoulders, in a good way. I could breathe easier as the last of them fell away and the sun disappeared behind the horizon. All that turmoil in my stomach and heart melted away, leaving me with a hole. Of course there were times when we didn't see eye to eye, and sometimes it was over stupid little things but at the end of the day she was my mother. She could have been cruel to me, she could have treated me worse than a stray dog but she didn't. She loved me even though I would be a bastard a lot of the time, she encouraged me when I was struggling and she supported me when I enrolled to join the war.

A tear slipped from my eye just thinking about it and I hissed at myself for doing what I was doing. I was terrified of losing Claire; I didn't want another hole in me. What we were doing, this hunt that was going on, there was no way we would survive and I wasn't planning on dying. I was a man, I wannabe hunter, not a cambion or whatever, I didn't have any special powers, what the hell were my chances of walking away from this with all my body and mind? More than likely none and I was scared. The war had opened my eyes to the horror of genocide and I had no intentions of ever being involved in such a thing ever again.

I could feel old wounds opening up, causing a headache that forced me to pull over. Sighing I sat back and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see Dean, even though that was all I ever starved for, I didn't want to watch any more people I cared about die. I hit the steering wheel hard; torn in two. Go back, at least that way there was another person to help them, not that they stood any better a chance but at least I was there to support them or continue driving away and live with the guilt that I wasn't there but at least I was alive.

I started the car and continued driving. Yes I am a selfish person, but those that are scared have survival instincts take control and there wasn't a lot I could do about them. I was a horrible person and the further I got away from them, the more my gut seemed to churn. I just couldn't face losing any of them.
Why did I have to fall so deeply in love with Claire?

..
Here I stand in rain, here in stand in the cold
I'm reluctant to get, another shot in my soul
I'm afraid of that harm
…

So Ben has admitted something i'm sure he has tried to deny for a while. With Ben out of the picture, will Jesse and Claire be able to carry on? Or is Claire next to walk out with Lances life on the line...?
Please review.

Just a reminder that I do not own Supernatural or any of the song lyrics used.

Silver-Kirin
xXx