-CHAPTER THREE-
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He landed outside the Powell Estate, only a short jump this time, a few months ahead. The TARDIS doors creaked as he shut them behind him. He knows what it is this time, he knows what he's meant to do, what he's here for. So he goes up that familiar flight of stairs, and he wanders the hall, and he accidentally-on-purpose runs into a very irate Jackie Tyler.
She doesn't know him (how could she?) but she points a finger at him all the same, and he can see the face coming on, the what-have-you-done-to-my-daughter-this-time face, and she goes off on a rant about Rose and interfering boys and failing grades and hopeless futures because Rose was never going to graduate at this rate (if only Jackie knew that only by not graduating would their futures hold something wonderful), and you! You go talk to her because she never listens to her mother!
The Doctor almost laughs, because if Jackie ever knew who he was...
Jackie brushes past him irately, and (he really can't help himself), he pushes down on the door handle of that old flat.
The memories hit him, and he's decked out in leather, arms folded crossly, as Rose pulls him inside this flat for the first time. He's wearing a long coat and pinstripes and Jackie is over exuberant in greeting him. He's opening this door in his new clothes at Christmas, and Rose looks up at his new face and smiles.
And now, here he is in tweed, braces, and a bowtie, and Rose looks up at him as he enters and smiles the exact same way she did, will do. And he smiles back softly.
"Hello," he says softly.
"It's you," she whispers. She stands, eyes full of questions he cannot answer. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh I was just popping in to say hello, and I ran into your mother, who seems very concerned about your grades."
This is the best deflection he thinks he's ever used, because then Rose fusses and moans (typical, he thinks with a smile), becomes irritated.
"Typical of her, complainin' to a complete stranger. And she sends you in to talk to me?"
"Well…" he doesn't need to say. His face says it all. She huffs.
"She is so gonna get it when she gets back."
The Doctor smiles. "Of that I have no doubt."
"Ya' want a cup o' tea?" she asks him, remembering her manners.
"Perfect for heating the synapses," he tells her. And she smiles awkwardly, because she really has no idea what he's talking about. He clarifies. "Yes, I'd like that."
He follows her into the kitchen and stands in the doorway as he watches her talk and make tea, and it's so achingly familiar that his hearts could not possibly be any fuller. Oh, how he's missed her.
"So what is it that's giving you trouble with school?" he asks her. She frowns, and hands him a mug of tea.
"It's nothing, really, mum's just overreacting."
He can spot this lie a mile away. As soon as she glances up at him she can tell she's been caught.
"It's not…it's not that I don't…I'm just…" she sighs, and runs a hand through her blonde hair. She sits at the table, and gestures for him to do the same. He sits at the oh so familiar table, and watches her, waiting for her to speak. "I'm not cut out for this school stuff."
"Nobody is," he tells her with a smirk, like he's told her a great secret. She smiles back at him, her tongue catching her teeth. His hearts skip a beat. "I was never cut out for school. Ugh, all stuffy and boring, who wants all that? There's adventures to be had while they're sitting in their stuffy, boring lecture halls!"
She laughs then, a real, honest to goodness laugh. And he chuckles right along with her, because when Rose smiles, she lights up his whole world. Then she takes a sip of her tea, and her laughs fades, and she looks at him.
"I never got to thank you for saving me," she says.
"Anytime," he answers. Then he laughs. "Literally."
Rose bites her lip. "Are you ever going to tell me who you are?"
He sighs, looks down at his tea, takes a sip before he looks back at her. "Someday, Rose Tyler. Someday, I might tell you everything. I really hope I do. Someday, you will know me better than you know anyone, and I you. Someday, we'll save each other and have lots of wonderful adventures."
Her eyes light up at this, because she trusts him, oddly. She shouldn't, because he's screwed up her life so badly, but she still trusts him, even though she doesn't know him yet. Even though he will probably never see her again.
"And someday, I'll leave you, and we'll both be heartbroken, but you'll have a wonderful, fantastic life, and you'll be happy. And that's all that matters."
"But what about you?"
"I'll be alright. I'm always alright."
Rose shakes her head. She stands, and turns her back. He blinks and wipes away a tear before she notices.
"And you'll forget about this, Rose, for a while. But then, maybe, someday, you'll remember, and you'll understand. And I really just want you to know…that I miss you. And that I—" he pauses. He still can't say it. "That I'm sorry."
Rose doesn't turn back to him, but he hears her take a deep breath.
"Can I help you with your homework?" he asks her. She turns around to look at him. He smiles earnestly at her, and she frowns.
"What d'you wanna do that for?" she asks.
"Because I care about you," he tells her softly. "And I want to help you."
He knows it's a lost cause, that she's doomed to never pass her A-levels, (at least in this universe), but he can't bear to leave her just yet.
"Why should you?" she asks him. Uh-oh. She's getting angry now, and now he's got to head her off. "Why should you care about me? I don't even know who you are."
"Does that matter?" he asks.
"Yes, it matters! Of course it matters! You're a complete stranger! And you waltz in here like—and you save me from my boyfriend and—"
"He's not still your boyfriend?" growls the Doctor dangerously. Rose sighs.
"That's none of your business."
The Doctor purses his lips.
"I think it is!" he tells her. "He's abusing you, Rose! He doesn't appreciate you! He's a little slimeball who doesn't know what he has! If he did—"
"What?" she dared him.
The Doctor hesitated.
"If he did he'd never lay a finger on you."
"And why's that?" she egged him on.
"Because you are too precious to hurt!" he explodes, finally, and they glare at each other, daring each other to continue, and the Doctor lowers his eyes first, because he knows if he goes on he'll give away information he shouldn't. "I've told you too much already," he mutters allowed. "Foreknowledge…dangerous thing."
"What are you on about?" she says. "Are you just a complete nutter?"
"Yup, that's me, a complete nutter," he says. Suddenly, he's very tired. He's the old man again, weary, whose seen too much and lost too much. He slumps back in his chair, and drinks his tea in silence. Neither of them say anything. A few minutes pass before Rose gets up, leaves, and comes back with a stackload of papers and textbooks.
"Fine," she tells him. He smiles once again, and so does she.
They sit there for hours, and the Doctor cherishes every extra second he gets with her as he steadily helps her get through her homework. Correcting her math, giving her extra history lessons, commenting on everything wrong in the science textbook, and, had it been anyone but the Doctor and Rose, he probably would've been intolerable, but it was Rose, and she could listen to him talk for hours, even though she didn't even know him yet. They go through several cups of tea and several packages of Jammy Dodgers, and, while Rose can't wait to get it all over with, the Doctor dreads the moment they close the last textbook.
"It doesn't even matter, really," says Rose, caught up on a math problem. He looks up at her, and wonders if she knows. "I'm never gonna pass my A-levels. I'm not smart enough or clever enough."
He's horrified at the way she puts herself down. That, that, is something he will never let come to pass. Doesn't she know how wonderful she really is?
He puts down her calculator (he doesn't really need it, he's just pretending for her sake), and takes her hands in his, taking her somewhat by surprise. His hand slips onto her cheek and cradles her head. She looks somewhat uncomfortable with these familiar touches from a stranger, but she doesn't pull away, and for that he is grateful.
"Don't ever talk about yourself like that, Rose Tyler. You…you have no idea," he says, eyes passionate. She's held by his fierce gaze, and she listens. "You are…you are beautiful, and brilliant, and clever and…and fantastic. Don't ever think you're anything less."
He wants to kiss her, to show her just how fantastic she is. He wants to run away with her and take her away in the blue box, timelines be damned. He could have her, he could have her right now. All he had to do was ask her if she wanted to see the stars. Forget paradoxes, forget the laws of Time. He needed her. He needed her so badly.
But he could never have her. Not really. Because he knew, the paradox would be too much, and he might blow a hole in the universe just for Rose Tyler. It was his pain which brought him here, and it was the memory of her, and if he took that away from his past self he might just blink out of existence. He needs her now, but he needed her back then so much more. He can't change his own history and he knows that, but the temptation to…
He lets go of her.
He shows her how to do the math problem and they get through her homework. That last textbook closes, and his time with her is over. Jackie walks in just as Rose is putting her homework away, and she looks absolutely flabbergasted.
"What?"
"Just as you say, Jackie," says the Doctor to Jackie, jumping up. He pats her cheek. "Helped her with her homework. Talked to her. All that jazz. Now, I really must be off. I've got an appointment with some snowmen, you see. Can't be late."
"Hold on! How d'you know my name? Did you say snowmen?"
He rushes to the door, but spins to look at her one last time. "See ya around, Jackie Tyler," he says cheekily. Then he winks at Rose, and she grins.
He rushes out of there, runs, really, can't bear to look back. But she follows him, as he should've known she would. He stops just outside the doors to their building, knowing he can't let her see the TARDIS, that the timelines would fracture because of it, and because the temptation for him would be much, much too strong.
"Where are you going?" she asks him.
"1892," he tells her.
She shakes her head, shaking off her confusion.
"Is that, like, an address, or what?"
The Doctor smiles sadly, (oh, his Rose. He loves the way she thinks). He sighs. "No," he tells her. He takes her hand, and she bites her lip.
She looks him in the eyes, and seems to realize she's not going to get a clearer answer on his destination.
"Am I ever gonna see you again?" she asks quietly. And he's transported to a beach in Norway briefly before closing his eyes, and focusing on the present. He cradles her cheek in his palm once again, hunches down to look her in the eye, and smiles at her wonderingly.
"Yes," he whispers in an enchanted voice. Because he's so happy to answer this question in the affirmative this time. "Yes, you will."
She smiles at him beautifully, happily. And he smiles back, his eyes lit up like the stars, hiding the pain in his hearts that he will never see her again. He had to be brave for her, though, he had to keep smiling. Because she had so many wonderful things to come.
He pulls her to him, and kisses her gently on the temple. She gives him that look, when he pulls back, and suddenly, quite suddenly, he finds his lapels trapped in her grasp and her lips on his.
He doesn't quite know what to do, never does quite know what to do when he's kissed in this body, but with her it's doubly so, because his hearts are so full of pain and, and, wait a moment Rose Tyler is kissing him… screw the pain and screw what comes after. Rose Tyler is kissing him.
His arms stop flailing about like a drowning fish, and one hand rests on her shoulder while the other tucks itself around her waist, pulling her closer to him, because this is the first time she'll ever kiss him, and the last time he'll ever kiss her, and he's determined to make it count. He burns the feel of her lips on these lips in his memory, adding it to the too-scant pile of Rose-kisses, the smell of her, the feel of her beneath his hands, the swelling and frantic beating of his hearts. His hands come to her face, unwilling to let her get away as he deepens the kiss, tasting her, loving her.
And then, too soon, (too soon, always too soon), she pulls away, and he's in a dazed shock. She smiles at him cheekily (the minx), and oh how he wants to pull her back to him, doesn't know how he resists sweeping her off her feet and bringing her back to the TARDIS to show her the stars.
"See ya around, then," she says, and, before he can say another word, she flounces away, all bubbly spirit and carefree happiness and silky blonde hair, and he watches her go, watches her walk away from him for the last time.
He can feel it approaching, the darkness, the loneliness, the pain, and oh he knew this was a bad idea. He walks away, his hearts heavy, and goes back to his TARDIS to fly away.
This time, there is no going back. This time, he sets the coordinates for Victorian London and his cloud, and he pulls the wibbly lever. He can't go back. He can never go back.
But when the floor stops shaking and he opens the blue doors, he finds himself not on his cloud, but in a hospital.
-?-
A/N: Almost done! The next chapter is the last! Be prepared for feels! :D
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