Athrana (Wandering Shadow)

Chapter 28- Guilt

TA3019, February

Glorfindel sat in a chair, wine glass in one hand watching the fire. He couldn't quite believe what was happening. Instead of being curled up in bed with his husband, he was sitting here in one of the guest rooms moping. Elrond sat across from him, silent, absorbing all the great slayer had said to him. "What should I do Elrond?" the blonde asked. He was at a loss. He had always strived to do the right thing, but somehow he had lost everything. He had always tried to do what was right for his family, for Erestor and for Athriel.

"You have to speak to him Glorfindel. You have been married for a long time and close friends for much longer before that. You need to explain it to him." Glorfindel shook his head. He couldn't, Erestor had been so angry.

Elrond sighed seeing the defeat in his friend's eyes. There was more to this than the warrior was telling him. It was as if he didn't want to be forgiven, as if he believed he deserved all of Erestor's anger. "Normally you wouldn't leave it this long. Normally you wouldn't let him kick you out. The Glorfindel I know would have stayed where he was until it was all sorted out. There is something you aren't telling me. Something's on your mind."

Glorfindel looked down at his hands, trying to evade his lord's questions. "It's nothing" he said dismissively. He looked back at the fire. He couldn't look at his hand, not with his wedding ring glaring at him, reminding him of exactly what he had lost. "No it's not" Elrond demanded. Glorfindel stood and refilled his wine glass, if only for something to do with his hands. He didn't know where to start. "I was just wondering..." When he stopped Elrond urged him to go on. "What?" Glorfindel threw himself back into the chair. "Nothing" He couldn't do it. He couldn't even verbalise his thoughts, he couldn't. "Go on" Elrond encouraged. "It's just... I've been thinking these last couple of days and..." The lord of the valley set his own glass aside and leant forward. "You can tell me" Glorfindel shook himself. "No I can't it's too horrible" He couldn't believe he had nearly said it, he shouldn't even be thinking it. "What is it?"

Elrond had used that voice. The voice that reminded everyone exactly who the half-elf was. He was Lord of Rivendell and he would not give up. Glorfindel put his own glass aside. He would actually have to do this; he would have to give voice to his thoughts. "It's just, sometimes I wish she'd never come home." That sounded just as terrible as it had done in his mind. How could he think like that, especially about Athriel, the child he helped raise, the child he loved like his own. As awful as it sounded he continued. "She stayed away because she thought it was better for us to believe her dead. And sometimes I think she was right." Now that he had started he couldn't stop. The words flowed unbidden from his mouth. "I mean every time I look at her I can't help but think about what they did to her and... if they had killed her she would be in the halls by now. They're a place of healing Elrond, a place of peace and contemplation. But instead she had to live out there on her own because she was afraid to come home, because she was too strong to die."

Elrond closed his eyes. He couldn't condemn his friend for his thoughts; he too had felt that way not too long ago. All he could do was console him. "Glorfindel we all wish things could have been different. I have known she was alive for a long time my friend, and although I have hated myself for it my thoughts have been frighteningly similar to your own. I have wished that her suffering could be over as I have wished that she could have come back to us sooner. But neither of the things we can change. She is Athriel; she wouldn't be our Athriel if she didn't fight. I kept her secret for a long time because I believed that it was better for us to move on. But we can't think about what is best for us anymore. We have to think about what is best for her. She needs our help and support no matter what. You aren't the only one who sees those marks. I see them and I wish it hadn't happened to her. But I still think it's better for here to be here with us all. This is a place of healing Glorfindel, here in this valley surrounded by those who love her. She will heal; we will make sure of it. But still you aren't telling me everything. What is this all about?"

Glorfindel took a deep breath. These were the things he couldn't tell Erestor. And maybe his love was angry at him not just for the things he had kept from him over the last couple of months, but because he was still keeping some things back. "I failed" he said finally. "I failed Athriel, I failed Erestor, I failed the twins and I failed you. I... I was sent back to protect you and your family and everyone here in the valley. I couldn't kill the witch-king, I couldn't save Celebrian and I couldn't save Athriel." Elrond's brow furrowed in confusion. Why hadn't he seen that Glorfindel carried all of this guilt around with him? How could he think so little of himself and what he had achieved here? "Glorfindel, none of that was your fault. No one blames you for any of it. You are not responsible for what happened to Athriel.

Glorfindel looked at his lord incredulously. "Not responsible? Elrond I'm the one who convinced Erestor to let her become a warrior, I'm the one who trained her. When I brought her here all those centuries ago I told her she would be safe. I promised her father, Erestor's father, that I'd protect her and then..." Elrond could see where this was going and he didn't like it. "Glorfindel look at me. Athriel is fine. She is here with us and she will heal. She's here because f you, she's strong because of you. She never would have been happy as anything other than a warrior. You know that and Erestor knows that. Because of what you taught her Estel and my sons are alive. If she hadn't accompanied them I do not know what would have happened. Because of you she became one of the best warriors in this realm. You have nothing to regret. Do you have any idea how many years I blamed myself for what happened to Celebrian? You can't blame yourself for this"

Glorfindel nodded but continued to look into the fire. It would take more than Elrond's words to cleanse him of his guilt.

She never would have been happy as anything else. You made him see that. You have nothing to regret. Do you have any idea how many years I blamed myself for what happened to Celebrian You can't blame yourself for this"