…
Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
..

Ben Speaks

As the door clicked shut behind me, I noticed that even the air seemed different; it was heavier with responsibility. I hesitated heading down the stairs, not really embarrassed to face my uncle and father but that heavy feeling sank into my blood and coursed through my body, almost crippling me.

Rinsing my face off in the bathroom, I neatened my hair and stared at my reflection. Last night was incredible, and one of the best night sleep I had for months so why was I feeling the way I did; it was just sex. I quickly moved to my room, changing my clothes and rubbing my stomach as it rumbled hungrily. As I was leaving, something dropped from my bag suddenly and I paused, my "spidey senses tingling". I must have just been too alert, a bit too jumpy because it was only my silver cross that fell to the floor.
The silver cross sat there, screaming at me to pick it up and I slowly scooped it up, wrapping the chain around my wrist and held it tight.

Finally I headed down the stairs, going straight for the kitchen in the hope of getting some quick breakfast but was only met with staring eyes. Dean had a large grin on his face, trying to hide it with a cup of coffee but Adam was watching me with eyes that were more father like.
'Good morning Ben.' Adam said deeply, watching me intently as he dropped some bread into a toaster.
'Morning.'
'Sleep well?' Dean chuckled and I held the urge to pull the finger at him. Adam cleared his throat, almost slamming a cup onto the table for me.
'Something wrong Adam?'
'What did you do to Claire last night?'
I didn't take the seat at the table, instead glanced between the two of them.
'I don't know if you'll be comfortable with the detaisl...' the look did not lessen and I held my hands up slightly in my innocence. 'Don't worry, it was consensual.'
'Didn't you think how it would affect others around you?'

I put my hand on my hip, bitting my lips together as I thought about Jesse. He was a big boy, he would come and speak to me about it wouldn't he rather than running away like a toddler that had his stuffed toy taken. Claire wasn't a stuffed toy and I didn't steal her from anyone but that wasn't the point… I had to shut up.
'Jesse wouldn't have gone too far. We did drink you out last night, he probably went to refill your cabinet.'
Adam pointed a finger, for a moment I thought it was at me but I glanced to the study. An open bottle sat on the desk; two glasses empty.
'He left last night, early this morning. He wouldn't be gone this long unless there was a good reason.'
'And you think Ben and Claire were that good reason?' Dean asked, taking some of the pressure from Adams eyes off me. Adam turned on Dean, leaning on the table as though he was about to be sick and I reached across to steady him.
'He can't be gone, he wouldn't leave me…'
'I'm sure he is alright Adam, come on, let's get you lying down.'

I guided Adam to the lounge, fluffing the pillow so Adam could catch his breath. He was mumbling about Jesse being like his son, that he wouldn't know what to do if he was gone. I sighed as he relaxed, calming down and he looked at me with haunted eyes and I recognised that fear. Adam didn't see Jesse just as a son, it was the reassurance that with Jesse around or at least knowing that he was going to come back that kept at bay all those memories of hell, that he wasn't going to go back.
Dean nudged his head in the direction of the study and I followed.
'He has been through a lot; Hell is an experience that doesn't leave you ever.' He looked at me sideways and I was going to ask a question but he shrugged, pulling out a book and taking a seat. 'What I've heard. Your uncle Sammy was down there with him for a while.'

I also grabbed a book, more to keep myself distracted. Something caught Deans eye and I lifted my hand, the silver cross dangling.
'Religious?'
'It's got me through some tough times.' I sighed, grateful that Dean didn't question. Perhaps he already knew everything about me there already was; I could just imagine the gossip that he and Adam got up to.
The stairs creaked and we both snapped out heads up to see Claire, who gave me a tiny grin. Maybe she did feel the same way about me but the smile vanished as she looked between the two of us.
'Stop staring, you're going to make this awkward.'
Flicking blonde hair from her face, she marched into the kitchen, Dean chuckling.
'Careful with that one, seems like a real pistol.'

Trying to laugh, I shut the book and went to the kitchen.
Claire was fixing a pot of coffee, leaning on the bench once it was boiling. If only my father knew how dangerous this pistol was going to be for me. She spun around and gasped, walking straight into my chest. I laughed, steadying her on her feet and she slammed her hand to her forehead, startled.
'Don't sneak up on me!'
I couldn't help but laugh again, 'I thought you were a hunter.'
She glared up at me and I widened my eyes and she laughed, pointing at her eyes.
'You're doing that crazy eye thing again.'
I repeatedly did it until Claire placed her hand over my eyes.
'Stop.'
Lifting her hand off my face, I kissed it and held it open; placing the silver cross into her palm.

She lifted it up, staring at it before she looked at me. I could almost read her thoughts; she had enough trouble with God and Angels, why would she want my old scummy cross? I wanted her to have it, I don't know why, it had only ever carried dreaded memories for me and perhaps, now that it had something good linked with it, it wouldn't bother me as much. Claire pushed it around in her palm, sucking on her lip. I didn't know what she was thinking now but slowly she slipped it over her head, not making eye contact with me.
'Thank you.'
I gently cupped the nape of her neck, pulling her towards me and kissed her forehead. There was a bit of resistance, and I battled with myself to not ruin the moment by telling her how I felt; it could wait.

'Jesse back yet?'
I shook my head, stepping away from her and getting a cup for her.
'I'm sure he'll turn up, we could use a search spell-'
Claire frowned, pouring the black coffee into the cup and adding numerous table spoons of sugar while I reached for the now cold toast.
'I think he needs some privacy, I mean it could be because of…' she waved a hand between us before smiling stupidly. I nodded, wondering if she was trying to make me feel guilty. Women, they taunt and tease you, then surrender to you only to play you again the next day. I didn't care though, and I hope Claire didn't either and as I left the room, I noticed her pulling at the cross, staring down at it with mixed confusion.
I don't know why, it wasn't like I proposed to her and demanded an answer straight away. It was just a gift, wasn't it?

..
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I'm terrified but I'm not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger
…