Note: I just wanted to say that I have started another story featuring Athriel. It is called 'Raising Athriel' and explores Athriel's childhood with Erestor and Glorfindel. I wanted to get a little deeper into Erestor and Glorfindel's relationship as well as Athriel as a child. Please read it and let me know what you think.
Athrana (Wandering Shadow)
Chapter 48- Fair trade?
TA3019, March 4th
Athriel sat up watching the fire long after everyone had turned in. She had volunteered for the first watch so that she would have time to think. She didn't know what to make of the day's events. Yes she had lost control, but somehow the men trusted her now. Was that a good thing or not. She hated what she had done today, and suddenly these men respected her. Men saw the world differently to the elves. They liked her now because she had the ability to protect them. She could kill quicker than any of them could. But that wasn't a fair trade. No amount of respect was worth what she became. It was not worth losing herself to the darkness.
But there was one thing that was worth it. She turned to look at the two figures curled up not far from where she sat. She would do anything to protect them, no matter what it did to her, and that scared her. How could someone else's life mean more to her than her own. Again she thought about her conversation with Elrohir in the library. "We thought we would fade over you Athriel." He said finally as she sat next to him. They didn't look at each other; they just sat side by side. "You didn't though" she said "Isn't that a good thing." Now he knew how she felt. If either of them had been injured today she didn't know what she would do. And if either had died, she surely would have faded along with the other. And if she hadn't she would have hated herself forever. Was that how they felt? They had expected to fade over her. When they hadn't how had they felt? How would she have coped had their positions been exchanged? Not very well she realised. Life wouldn't be worth living without them.
For all of her thinking Athriel still didn't know what she was going to do. How was she going to get through this war? She couldn't let herself lose control again, that much she knew. She had managed for a while hadn't she, until they had needed her. That's when she had lost it, that moment when nothing else mattered. That single second when their safety outweighed everything else. So all she needed to do was stay out of situations where they needed her help. Well that was going to be real easy, seen as they were on their way to the war that would hopefully end all wars.
"My Lady?" She looked up to see the man who would relieve her. Well thinking time is over, and you still don't have a plan, she thought. Thanking the man she moved over to where her blanket lay next to the twins. Caring very little for what the mortals would think she pried the two bodies apart and snuggled between them. If she was going to get through this, she was going to enjoy every moment that she could. And right now she needed to feel safe and secure with her friends.
Just before dawn Elladan and Elrohir awoke and shared a confused look. They hadn't woken up like this in a long time. Aside from their childhood, the only times they had woken like this had been when the three of them had drank far too much and passed out together. She really must have been feeling vulnerable when she came to bed the night before. Shrugging the snuggled back down under the blankets. Just a couple more minutes, then they would get up.