Day 5
"Really…?" Bella smirked. "We'll see if you guys are up for the next game…"
Rachel didn't like the look shared between Bella and Alice.
"Well, since Christmas is just around the corner, what about some Christmas love?" Alice grinned and Rachel didn't like that grin either. From the corner of her eyes, Rachel saw Jacob throwing Edward a look with a small frown on his face which Edward, in turn, chuckled and patted his boyfriend sympathetically.
"Game: Song Scramble- Since it's the Christmas season, let's have a Christmas theme. Rules: Dude will be coming up with random Christmas songs written on a paper. Letters of the song will be jumbled up so that you won't easily know what the song is. Each team needs to then unscramble the name of the Christmas Song and then begin singing it before any of the other teams. The first team to do this gets 1 point, if they sing the wrong song they get 0 "zero" points and other teams can still earn a point. "
Jacob groaned softly. "I knew it!" Rachel felt herself getting excited at the thought of finally able to finish her rendition of Holy Night.
"And to make it even more exciting, Alice and I," They shared another look. "...think that we should throw in a grand prize for the winner- what about $200?"
Since when was there a discussion? Rachel perked her eyebrows in amusement and wondered if that eye looking thing was a couple thing, like a couple facebook chat or something. She had seen it between Brittany and Santana, Alice and Bella, Edward and Jacob, hell, sometimes even her Dads do that. She tilted her head and saw a small frown playing on Quinn's face. When they locked eyes, the small frown turned into a pout before emerging into a confident grin. Rachel nodded her head and mirrored her grin. Yeah, whatever it is, they're so gonna win.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Halfway through the game, Rachel finally understood the slight reluctant vibes from Jacob. Alice and Bella (they called themselves Belice) were good. In fact, they were so good that they just took two points in a roll. Rachel and Quinn were equally good and were on par with Belice. Edward and Jacob had long lost the game. The competitiveness amongst them had heightened but remained friendly as they had reached the last and critical question.
Rachel pouted, deep in thoughts as her eyes were fixated on the words. Quinn was scribbling the word "Walking" and then suddenly she could see it.
"Walking in the winterwonder land!"She exclaimed when she had finally connected the dots and clapped excitedly. "Way to go Rachel! This is a historical moment where Team Belice is going to lose their first Song Scramble game in Twilight history. I'm so honoured to be able to witness this." Jacob commented mockingly and ended up with a cushion smacked right on his face.
Quinn gave her a high five and they intertwined their fingers. Quinn was looking at her with this shine in her eyes that for a moment she already felt like the winner. Hell, she could lose now and still feel like a winner with Quinn looking at her that way. Strangely, it made her shy, if the blush on her face was any indication.
"Alright lovebirds, enough with the celebratory eyes sexting. No points if the lyrics are wrong you know." Alice teased.
Rachel beamed. Like she would ever forget the lyrics to a song. She was extremely professional and was well-prepared for situations which she may need to pull a random song just because. For the record, she even gave herself mock song test and graded anything below 100 a fail. She was that professional.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
There's something about Rachel unadulterated voice that sent shivers down Quinn's spine. The way her voice echoed inside her, spreading warmth to every single part of her body. She loved listening to Rachel sing...even though she would never admit it...before. But things had changed between them and the dynamics of their relationship was making her confused but mostly scared.
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
Their eyes met and Quinn wondered when did Rachel start looking at her with this pure...affection? And why was it causing this funny sensation in her stomach. She popped right next to Quinn as her voice trailed off to the last note with perfect pitch and snuggled close to her. Quinn felt herself leaning toward her just to get a little more warmth and wondered when had that become a habit.
The sound of vibration interrupted them. Rachel felt Quinn's body tensed and resisted a frown. She pushed away the annoyance building up inside her. She could only think of one person who would be calling her right now and she wasn't too sure if it was okay to feel dreaded about it. Leaning towards Quinn, she took her hand and gave it a light squeeze but excusing herself.
As she exited the room, she threw an apologetic smile to Quinn, trying hard to contain her annoyance toward her boyfriend because…she shouldn't feel annoyed about it. With a soft sigh, she fished out her phone and paused. A small frown flashed across her face as the name of the caller blinked like a warning bell. The knot in her stomach twisted and a cube of ice slipped down and hit squarely in her stomach. She felt her breathing laboured and was suddenly attacked by a series of mixed feelings so tangled that she couldn't decipher.
She took in a sharp breath as her finger pressed reluctantly on the 'Accept' button.
"Hi Sam."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Quinn had gone for almost 30 minutes and she hated the awful punch in her stomach whenever her thoughts drifted to them (which was all the damn time since Quinn left her sight). She found herself tumbling the downward spiral, picturing them whispering sweet words and… Her breath hitched and she willed herself not to go that far. She couldn't go that far.
She let out a deep sigh. She sat on the side of Quinn's bed, her hands stroking the sheets which Quinn had slept on the day before. A small smile crept up her face at how serene Quinn must have looked when she was asleep. The slowing of her heartbeat and breathing into a steady pace sounds like a lullaby to her ears.
Quinn has the most amazing heartbeats in the world.
Her hand continued to stroke against the sheets, the tug in her heart turned full force. The memory of Quinn and herself flooded her like open gates and she lost herself in the bittersweet memory.
=Flashback=
She grinned to the receptionist. "We are…" She started and pointed awkwardly to Quinn and back to herself. She paused, searching for a more appropriate word.
"...together." Quinn breathed out. She still could not believe that she had agreed to this. This whole situation was getting absurd.
"As in…I'm her lady." Rachel emphasized and Quinn resisted the strong urge to stick her eyes at the back of eyelid. The fire burning her skin. The receptionist raised his eyebrow in cautious. His eyes were prying. Rachel swallowed her saliva in despair, feeling like his stares was going to penetrate their lies.
She laughed nervously and turned to Quinn, doing the only thing she knew how to do.
She sang.
"Cause I am your lady...And you are my man." She paused, realizing how wrong it sounded. "Cause I am your lady...And you are my woma-." Quinn nudged her painfully at her ribs and she shut her mouth instantly.
=Flashback=
She practically jumped from the bed when she heard the door opening. She found herself staring into a pair of hazel eyes which she had grown to love…except, they didn't look familiar at all. Yet her heart still race against her will at this girl infront of her who didn't feel like her Quinn.
Quinn turned around to close the door, breaking the eye contact. The atmosphere in the air turned stiffed and Rachel could sense something was very off. With eyes on Quinn's back, Rachel cleared her throat.
"So…how did it go?"
Quinn tensed for a moment before taking in a deep breath. She didn't respond and for a moment, Rachel thought she wasn't about to answer before her answer came out quiet, hard and bitter.
"Why..." She paused. Then she shook her head and averted her gaze to the floor. "Nothing important."
Quinn turned around and she watched as she shut down in seconds until a mask which completely looks like her but definitely wasn't her was put on. She thrust her chest out, trying to appear more confident than she actually was.
That's the Quinn from McKinley high. Not her Quinn.
"Quinn…?" She hated that her voice sounded small and weak. But mostly, she hated that she couldn't across the ocean between them when Quinn was upset about something but didn't know what exactly she was upset at.
"Damn it. I said it's nothing important Rachel, let it go."
Rachel was taken aback at the bitterness in her voice and punch in her stomach was unexpected. Rachel had been through worst from Quinn and this should seem like a piece of cake. But it wasn't. It felt equally painful and hurting. Rachel stood there as she bored into Quinn's eyes, pain and hurt swelling inside her like a balloon. Her chest constricted against the pressure and the need to breathe was overwhelming. She opened her mouth but there was no relieve.
She looked away as she rubbed her hands against her jeans (damn, why wouldn't her hands stop trembling). "It seems like you are upset right now, but I would appreciate if you would stop venting on me."
"Maybe you should just leave me alone." Her voice was so quiet and husky with emotion Rachel could barely recognized it as hers.
"Quinn, talk to me." She pleaded. But Quinn looked away and puffed out a bitter laugh.
The silence dragged and the atmosphere was thickened with mist of confusion and pain.
Then Rachel broke the silence.
"You know I've tried. God, how hard I've tried…but I couldn't." Rachel whispered. Her wide, brown eyes shimmered with hurt.
The tears overwhelmed Quinn and she crossed her arms over her stomach, exactly at the spot where it felt like she was punched. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, not now.
"God Quinn, you're so confusing. Everything about you is confusing. Everytime I thought we're a step forward, we always ended up two steps backwards. It's frustrating. Don't shut me out, please." She pleaded, almost begging.
The intense moment dragged on longer.
"You know what, you want me to leave you alone? Fine. I don't care what happened between you and Sam. I don't fucking care why were you suddenly back to….to this Quinn. I don't care why you're hurting infront of me and I should fucking leave you alone. I don't care why I feel like we are miles apart when you're just across the room. You want me to leave you alone? Fine, I will." Rachel yelled in frustration, her shirt crumbled into a wrinkled mess in her fists. Whatever that Quinn was playing, she was so sick of it, so tired of it.
She watched as Quinn pressed her lips together.
"Don't act like you fucking care about me when all these were just pretence."
Rachel's entire body began to coil with tension. She bit her lips, feeling the weight of Quinn's accusation weighing her down. If Rachel could look like she was in more pain, she would be dying, literally. Quinn could almost feel the pain radiating from the small girl and her body tensed. But since she had started, she couldn't stop.
"You will be back to your little fairy tale with Frankenteen in just 3 days..."
"Don't call him that." She chided and wiped her tears hastily. Quinn ignored the way her heart winced.
"...and all these will just be forgotten. We weren't the best of friends, so don't start acting like you care."
Quinn's words stung so badly that she felt it imprinted on her skin. Her hand cupped over her heart, trying to gather it together. "You know that I care about you! With or without this!" Tears were now streaming down her face. She had no idea what triggered this conversation but it hurts, regardless. She didn't know how could Quinn lift her up to cloud nine and then drop her to reality just like that. She didn't even know she had that kind of effect on her that until now.
"I don't." Rachel didn't think that the honestly in Quinn's voice would hurt far worse than all her other accusations.
Rachel didn't know how long they stood there motionless, dwelling in their own pain. She didn't know when Quinn left the room. She didn't know how long she had been crying or when it had started raining.
She only knew that night, they couldn't be more apart than ever.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
When Quinn returned back the room, Rachel was already asleep. The soft snoring finally filled the silence had a calming effect on her and Quinn allowed herself to let go a breath which she was holding. She stood there awkwardly, dripping wet with rain, before heading into the toilet for a warm shower.
She liked the way the warm water hit her back and rolled down her skin. She liked the way hot mist filled the air around her, taking her mind off things. She liked how the warmth was able to push away the coldness inside her, the coldness that seemed to suck her into a tunnel of no-return. The coldness, that felt alot like helplessness. Yet, the moment the shower was off, the same coldness was back, attacking her harder than before, squeezing her into the tunnel and shut the door.
Alone, as always. That how she always feel. And she had absolutely no control over it. Helplessness, should be a sinful word.
When she was back to the room, she contemplated if she should sleep next to Rachel or just rest on a chair. But she was tired, and the whole emotion roller-coaster ride was draining whatever energy that she had left. Thus, as softly as possible, she lie next to Rachel and turned away from her.
There's something about Rachel's quiet snoring that seemed to push away the coldness. Yet, another feeling was consuming her stronger than that – Guilt. She hated feeling guilty and yet she always ended up in the position of feeling damn fucking guilty.
She turned around to face Rachel and felt an invisible hand squeezing her heart tighter until she thought it might stop beating altogether. The guilt manifested itself and her stomach twisted multiple times in a sadistic knot. She lifted her hand and caught a fallen tear before it rolled off Rachel's cheeks.
When did everything spiral so completely out of control?
"Did I always, hurt you so badly?" She whispered, guilt swirling inside her like a hurricane. She didn't need an answer for that because the evidence was smacked to her face. The paths of the fallen tears were evident on her face.
"Does it help if I were to apologise over and over again?" Her hand pushed the fallen hair away from Rachel's face lightly, careful not to wake up her. Rachel's eyes were puffy from all the crying and even so, Quinn felt like she was the most amazing thing ever.
She watched as Rachel's body rose subtly as she breathed, like a baby, oblivious to the chaos in the world. From afar, a car honk filled the silence. Quinn stalled until the silence was hovering them like a blanket again.
"Sam broke up with me…for Mercedes." Her voice was barely a whisper. "He said he didn't feel that he was important to me. You know what's the most ridiculous thing?" She smirked softly. "He was apologising over and over again. I wasn't angry at all… Hurt, maybe. But I was scared… so so fucking scared…"
Her eyes roamed around Rachel's face, trying to remember every single detail of this gorgeous girl infront of her.
"Why do people always leave me?" Her voice came out smaller and weaker than intended. She felt a burning sensation at the back of her eyelid and for the first time after so long, allowed the tears to fall off to her cheeks without protest. Maybe she had exhausted all her will-power. Maybe, for a moment, Quinn just wanna stop being strong.
"My Dad, the guy who I've used to admire. My Mother, the woman who used to cradle me when I was young. Beth, my baby girl..." Her voice wavered. "The captain status of the Cheerios...and now Sam." A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "Why do people leave when I don't measure up to their standards? Why can't they love me for who I am? " Her breathe hitched and she felt her chest constricting.
"And now Rachel, you're gonna leave too." As the words tumbled out, Quinn felt the sadistic knot in her stomach twisted further. The nauseates at the pit of her stomach swirling.
"So Rachel, if you're gonna leave, don't start to care." Her breathing laboured as she said. "I may get used to it, I may feel like I need more of these. I will start to demand Rachel."
The silence fell over them like a blanket as she watched the face of the girl infront of her.
"I'm so sorry." Quinn whispered under her breath, her hand brushing against Rachel's cheeks.
As the night dreaded on, Quinn felt her eyelids grew heavier and heavier. She may have imagined it, or she may have not. But she was sure she heard somebody telling her that she would never leave her before she drifted off to sleep.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
All mistakes are mine.
I'm so sorry for the long wait! Please pardon any mistakes.
Reviews greatly appreciated. Counting down 3 more days!